Original subtitles

Okay, and our last presenter to share their reflections of their summer plans

is Jacob Udamp.

You know how there are those places where everything just makes sense and

all your problems melt away?

For me, that place is camp.

And I'm not talking about some two-bit, week-long, bullshit day camp.

I am talking about sleepaway camp.

And tomorrow, my ten-month wait will be over, and the two best months of the

year are about to begin.

Do you believe in miracles?

Dude, I was so wrong not to invite you to Dave & Buster's three weeks ago.

I'll regret that decision for the rest of my life.

Jacob, when I told your parents you were a handful, I was actually talking about

another kid. I know I can be a bit too much sometimes.

Oh, no, you're perfect.

Fuck school.

Let's go to camp. I want to get a suntan on these titties.

to present oh yeah you

know

how there are those places

That bullshit made us five minutes late.

Stop fucking trying so hard.

I mean, I guess it sort of looks like camp.

Like that thing in the middle is Lake Babusik at night.

Yeah, actually, it's kind of an identical outline.

Okay, Max, that's really great.

And, uh, over by the dock, there's two counselors, like, making out.

Oh, sick, and it's two girls.

Oh. Wait, it's dark, but, uh, that's my boy, Jacob.

He's walking in the woods with Tali.

Come on, man, come on.

Ah, shit, he chickened out.

You got the looks, Jakey. All you need is the confidence.

Man, I hate to see him with that sad face.

You got all that from this?

What do you think that means?

How should I know? Aren't you the nurse?

No, I'm the school-mandated behavioral therapist.

Narc.

Look, Mr. Song, have you ever been to camp?

No. Max, as I've told you before, they did not have Jewish summer camp in

Korea. Well, then the fuck do you know?

Us camp people are just different. We snuggle, we cry with pride, we shit with

the doors open.

Okay, let's not get into that. Look, I'm a totally different person at camp.

They don't even call me Max. I just go by Charnas. Okay, well, why can't you be

that person here, too?

Wow, fucking great suggestion.

You don't think I've tried that?

Mr. Song, they locked me to the bike rack.

Okay, what those kids did was not okay.

Fucking assholes.

I don't even look like a curly-haired soup dumpling. I mean, seriously, look

at some of the shit they've been circling around school.

Fucking dipshits.

Look, do I look anything like that?

Mm... Max, I want... Fuck those kids and fuck Chat GBT.

Max, we're talking about you having lasting friendships.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Song. I know this is bad timing, but it's Jacob.

Sup, bitch?

Hey, man. Dude, have you ever tried therapy? It's, like, really weird.

Look, Mr. Song, I think we've made about as much progress as we're gonna make

this year, so I say we call it. Have a great summer!

You could be like best friends me and you We just look good so it's you and me

I'm a house and you're the fire And I can't

tell you why But it feels like I've known

you all my life

I got it.

Okay. Notice how I'm walking different?

Okay. It's cause my penis got like a full inch longer.

And a little rounder too.

Every night, we put our heads to our pillows, dreaming of the first night of

camp.

Gents, it's finally here.

Take it in, boys.

For these two months, we are going to have the highest percentage of

successful ask-outs to the social.

We're gonna drive.

And what are we gonna wear?

Men's shorts.

We're going to explore each other's bodies!

Ten months of winter!

Ten months of math! Fuck fractions!

Ten months of your dad coming home smelling like perfume, but your mom

doesn't wear perfume!

Boo!

This is why we live ten for two.

Too excited. Can't sleep.

I'm so glad we made it.

Same.

I know every year my parents say they need a break from me, but this year it

wasn't in a funny way.

I think they're, like, starting to actually hate me.

Dude, they're idiots. Don't listen to them.

If you ever wonder why something so epic at camp can be, like, so lame back at

home...

You mean like arts and crafts?

Friendship bracelets?

Club toilets?

Rap battles?

But in a made-up language nobody understands?

No, I mean like me.

Nobody likes me at home.

I'm sorry, man.

This is where we're gonna be forever, man.

We need four more...

glorious summers as campers and then and then when we're 16 we're apprentices and

we'll be inducted into the plunger hall of fame hell yeah and maybe by then

tolly and i would have been dating for like four years because this summer i'm

gonna ask her out and when we're 40 we'll use our fortunes from the private

sector to buy camp leaving us with a combined net worth of 19 billion which

doesn't even include my eraser collection and we'll become the longest

running fine men in camp history And you and me are gonna crush rap every single

day until we're 99 years old.

Am I a bullfrog or is it hotter than July?

Oh, and maybe I can do the solo part sometimes.

Sure. Yeah, you know, it's just, I sort of feel like I need it, so... Well,

maybe we could do it together?

But then I wouldn't be a solo.

Uh, yeah, I... I guess I didn't think of that.

Well, the point is, we're gonna spend the rest of our lives at camp.

Until we retire and spend our final days where it all started.

At Old Camp. The original paradise. I like it. And we'll drink the Old Camp

leg water, which is sweeter than Sprite. And we'll sleep in the original punks.

Where over-the-pants handjobs were literally invented.

O-T-P-H-Js. Yeah.

And where they played Fuck, Marry, Kill. But it wasn't a game. They did it for

real.

and then we'll decompose into the soil and become trees.

12 for 12.

The best place on Earth.

Chipwitches in the headtonk!

Sydney Sweeney, what are you doing in here?

Nobody come in!

Hey, Leon, have you, uh, checked the headtonk? They early posted the second

month play.

Please tell me it's Music Man!

like the color captains on the head tongue yeah come check it out no no no

char and it's just tolly relax if we plunge three more people we'll break the

first month record okay well i just wanted to say good luck today parents

wise you feeling okay yeah i mean dad's last letter said we're coming at 11

so it sounds like they're still in one car at least all right well crossing my

fingers

Jacob, your micro boner's showing.

What? No, it's not micro. I mean, it's like in the 55th percentile.

Okay. Well, you guys know Sophie Friedman? She's in Haven 1. She lives in

Manhattan. Her mom was in a Doritos commercial.

I should go.

Yeah, me too.

Bye, Tali.

Dude, I do not get what you see in that girl right there.

Tali's a liar. She tells these random-ass stories to the girls in her

cabin that make no sense at all. Tali is the most underrated girl at camp.

If you like her, why have you asked her out yet? It's never really been the

right moment. Oh, shut up.

I watch you choke it at both socials, and you do not get a third social.

I'm gonna do it.

Skin's the best part.

Why are you guys eating two totally different meals?

Well, there was a bit of a food miscommunication.

I got on the road later than your mother this morning. You guys didn't take the

same car? No, no. Honey, we talked about this. Your father and I were separated.

You said you were going to use this summer to...

Go over all the logistics.

Yes, the logistics of our divorce.

Oh.

Okay. Jacob, I started seeing someone else. Mark. And we're engaged.

What?

I am seeing someone else now, and we are... You don't have to repeat

yourself. Mark, Mark, he heard you, okay? He's just in shock,

understandably. Okay, can you please not do this? Don't antagonize me. There's

literally no reason.

I can hear everything you're saying.

Why don't I grab some ice creams, okay? Yeah, good idea.

If they have cookies and cream, just get me a cup.

Or a cone, whatever they have.

Who even is this woman?

Tell me about it. Can you imagine what I've been living with?

Oh, right.

Dana.

Her name is Dana. Dana. Yeah, her name is Dana.

She's an event coordinator.

And she's working on a novel.

Uh-huh.

Actually, I think you know her son.

Uh, Gordon Fisher.

That guy?

Yeah. He's a freak, Dad.

Well, I know he's a bit of a character, but... He stands outside of carpool, and

he practices magic with a wand.

Vanilla!

Okay.

Let's just please go to the registration tent. I want my shirt.

Oh, oh.

Your mother and I need to figure out exactly what next year... Yes. Step

is... Okay, stop.

You guys aren't actually about to say I'm not coming back next summer. It's a

possibility.

They are bringing back tubing next year. These are my only friends.

You're telling me you can't find any way to drum up eight grand?

I mean, that personal trainer.

is very expensive are you sure that's necessary you gave five thousand dollars

to elizabeth warren for president does that feel like money well spent i'm

going to the time hey hey hey first of all come here come here come here we all

have to make sacrifices yeah all right all right enough mark just not me please

not this one we'll call the camp office when we get home you don't have to worry

about any of this yeah you'll be okay kidlin i promise you it'll all work

out okay

Okay. Okay?

I'm not stepping foot in that fucking woman's house with her freak of nature

son who's going to burn me unpopular.

Fuck!

Nothing fucking works! Charn, what happened with your parents today?

You know how I catfished my principal on Match.com?

You just said your principal didn't like you. Yeah, because I catfished him on

Match.com and got him to send a picture of him licking a lollipop. I told you

guys this.

No, you did not.

Well, the school tracked my IP address, and now I'm kicked out.

Damn, that really sucks.

And my parents are sending me to this boarding school for diverse learners.

Fuck that.

You know a kid out on Barbossa who's, like, obsessed with me?

Well, he gave my parents another letter for me. It's like, Tali, I love you.

Why can't we just be together?

Let me see the letter. Because I'm telling you, I'm going to write him back

and annihilate him. I threw it out.

Can we just try to find smaller sticks? No, we can break this one.

I'm not going to that fucking boarding school. Everyone knows I would look

shitty with a buzz cut. Out of my face. This is total crap, but what other

option do we have?

What if we never went home?

Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting? Enough with 10 for 2.

We need to go 12 for 12 all year camp.

You're talking dirty, little man, and I like it. Let's make a baby! For real,

for real.

What if at the end of the summer, when the buses leave, we don't get on?

We hide.

And when the coast is clear, we run, and we just keep doing camp.

Well, we can't just run.

That would be dumb. We need a destination.

Like somewhere off the grid, but with shelter.

Wait, where did Bin Laden hide? What about old camp?

I don't think he had an old camp. I think it was like Asia or something. No,

no, you mean like the original site of Feynman.

Old camp.

It's perfect.

I heard that when they moved, they just left everything behind, untouched. It's

like a Jewish museum, but without all the sad parts.

We'd have bunks.

Kitchen. PB&J for days.

It's perfect.

If we pull this off, all of it goes away.

And the only thing left is camp.

Twelve for twelve.

Twelve for twelve.

Twelve for twelve.

On the last day of camp, the only staff on site will be Bob.

That guy?

Pure misery.

I heard his wife left him at the altar.

For his own brother.

Now?

He's a cuck.

Bob's wife called it off because he wasn't Jewish.

So he tried to circumcise himself, but he accidentally cut off too much.

And now?

She's a eunuch.

You're both wrong.

He's ex-military. He was dishonorably discharged from Guantanamo for being too

rough on the Taliban. He's legally prohibited from using a knife. And he

cut off the heads of like 50 beanie babies. That's why he only eats soup.

She broke it off because he jerked off so much. Only air comes out. It's just

some scammer sending him pictures of Dua Lipa. That's why he can spend his whole

life at camp and still be miserable.

There's nothing that guy won't do.

We're going to have to neutralize him.

What do we do about our parents?

By the time they figure it out, it'll be too late.

Dear Dad, camp's going great.

Oh, Charnix!

Am I a bullfrog or is it hotter than...

Actually, it's going epic.

Everything is just clicking into place.

Even our crush rap is reaching

new heights.

Honestly, I think it's because everyone is just so... unified.

And just, like, really growing up.

Now, my bunk is the family I... Trust!

To catch me when I... I'm on top of the world here. And

not just because I'm king of the freaking zipline.

Dad, don't worry about me.

And I won't worry about you.

Time truly does fly at camp.

I almost wish it wouldn't end.

If you're in this room, you know just as well as I do that there is nothing

waiting for us back home.

Here's the plan.

Tomorrow morning, we grab the last of the supplies and then set off to old

camp. And once we land, we're doing summer forever.

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

It's gonna be epic. We've been stocking up on food, and the fridge at Old Camp's

gonna be filled with shit, too. And, guys, I'm thinking the first night at

Old Camp, we should have a social.

Yeah.

Okay, a third social. Is that even allowed?

Don't you get it?

Everything's allowed.

I heard at Old Camp, they had queen-size beds made for fucking. Like, they were

encouraging. Oh, yeah.

We're going to create a new society.

New art, new recipes, new languages.

You'll soon know what that means.

That translates to Feynman forever.

And you'll know what that means soon enough.

The only staff left on site tomorrow will be Bob.

Fuck Bob.

He's a million years old, he prints out his emails and he pays for AOL. We'll

take care of Bob.

How are we actually supposed to leave the camp tomorrow without anyone

noticing? Won't they make us, like, get on a bus?

We all know the rules.

Anyone with pink eye quarantines for 48 hours.

So, if we wake up tomorrow with pink eye, we can't leave camp.

That's when we execute our escape.

Problem is, we don't have pink eye.

This is your last chance.

There's no turning back. You take the blue pill...

A melatonin that I stole from the camp nurse's office.

You go to sleep, and you wake up tomorrow morning, you forget all about

this. Or, you take the red pill.

And you stay in Wonderland.

And I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

So let me get this straight. You expect us to intentionally put poop particles

in our face so that we end up purposely getting pink eye?

That is step one.

Pretty good. Step two, the virus incubates for 12 hours. When we wake up

in the morning, a lucky few of us will find freedom.

Why not have an adventure?

If you don't get pink eye, you shut your fucking mouth and take this conversation

with you to the grave.

Long distance?

No way. We're, like, so in love.

Step three, parents.

The pink eye will give us a 48-hour head start before our families get

suspicious.

After that, I'll be faking our deaths and planting your DNA in a bag of bones

in Bob's fire pit.

Fuck you, mom and...

James, I wish you weren't my brother. Eat shellfish and die.

Fuck, tense, too.

Step four, under no circumstances does this information leave this room. This

camp is filled with snitches, especially that little rat fuckweed. Well, well,

well.

Just as I suspected, a merry band of thugs and thieves here to raid our

dining hall.

My parents paid good money for this food. Shut the fu-

Well, aren't you a sight for pink eyes? Goddamn, you're sexy! Oh, thank my God!

Who needs this shit?

Holy shit, Leon! You look like a ginormous sunset. Took a shit in your

eyes. Excuse me?

Leon, we also don't want you to come with us on this escape.

But you know too much.

Yeah, conjunctivitis. Can't put you on the bus today.

You're looking a little off, Udell.

Bob, may we speak in private?

Leon, I don't have time today. Danny, what's your 20?

We got a situation.

Forget it. I'll find you. And I hear you, but after today, that's Miss

Rockhour's problem, okay? Oh, sure. Hey, Danny boy, tried to reach you on Walkie.

I think you're offline.

I'm on Channel 4. Stop. That's a direct line.

Anyway, this pink-eye situation is really out of control, way worse than...

Okay, look, I have to go wave some kids goodbye.

If you could just give me the headline.

Well, we're on a 48-hour lockdown, so coverage-wise, we're working with me,

you, sort of thinking it was a boy's night out, and thoughts on Peter from

music? Okay, Bob, stop.

Summer's over, all right? The counselors are clocked out.

Fine, you're the director, you choose the third.

No, it's just you, okay?

You think you can handle that?

Of course.

Right. Do not fuck this up.

This is a stage five quarantine.

You will be sheltering in place for the next 48 hours.

There's three meals, two snacks, and one rule.

Do not leave the rooms.

You've got mail.

Play cows.

Oh, you did it, Bobby.

Deer ball.

I'm writing to invite you to my lake house to come accept a new position that

shall be named Director of New Camper Development.

In this capacity, you will be expected to manage and supervise multiple

projects. I'm momentarily stepping out. Including teaching proper trust fall

etiquette. As well as basic self-defense against swirlies, titty twisters, and

other nefarious acts.

Move people, move!

Don't forget to grab the oral swab!

Go, go, go, go.

Director of new camper development.

Um, yeah, man. I don't know. I think this is some sort of prank or something

because, uh, yeah, I don't know. It says my...

My email is DannyCampReal?

You thought my email was DannyCampReal?

Danny, you know how much I care about this place, right?

Sure. No one cares about Feynman more than me.

I... Guess what I'm saying is I do have more to offer.

Yeah, and I mean, we... I mean, we love having you on the staff.

And you've been here for, what, eight, nine summers?

26 years.

It's an incredible legacy.

We're really lucky.

And as much as I'd love to keep having this combo, I mean, shit, you should

probably go check on those kids, right? Here's your email, okay?

Thanks again.

Well, not thanks, but you know how thankful I am.

Well,

I guess this wasn't here in the 20s

That's the longest fence I've ever seen.

All right.

We'll just, uh... We'll just hop the fence.

Um... I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Leon, relax.

It's an old sign.

I'm sure it's fine, okay?

So, who wants to go first?

Thank you.

You saved me.

Somewhat.

You're the bird, I'm guessing.

You saved her. It was nothing.

No problem.

There's gotta be another place to pull off.

Bob knows where we are.

What? Oh, thank God!

Come here, Bob! Save me! Save me!

Relax.

There's no way he can see us.

God damn it! He just eye-fucked me through the binoculars.

Why is he looking at me that way? I'm a child, Bob!

Holy shit, he's still there.

Leon, enough!

I was just stretching my arm. I'll stretch it for you if you don't stop it!

Chill. I drained all the gas from the boats. Yes, you're a genius.

Mother... Fuck, we need a plan right now. What about a hole? We can dig a

hole. We don't even have a shovel. And then crawl through.

Guys, I got it.

All the electric's coming from up there. I'm gonna climb up and I'm gonna cut the

power. Once I do, be ready to scale.

Jacob, are you insane?

He is...

There's no other way. And we are not turning back.

Sophie, you go first. No, I'm waiting for Jackson. He'll need our help.

Sophie, Jackson isn't coming. He promised. He's a fuckboy.

He cheated on you all summer.

There are delinquents across the lake. I repeat, delinquents across the lake.

Rachel Bernstein jacked him off during Finding Nemo. That's a frickin' lie.

Leon, he brought a blanket, and it was 90 degrees.

Marlon!

You slow bop.

the squishy ball, marry the concept of science, and kill Toy Story 2.

I'm still on duty at work, and if I don't get back, it's going to... Slow

down. Just slow down. And Danny, the kids have been having an absolute blast.

Bob, Sophie Friedman's mom is calling me saying no one's answering the infirmary

phone. What's going on?

Charnas, what do you mean three-state solution?

Hey, hey, gotta go. Charnus, sit.

Miss Ephraim, 48 hours, I'll have Leon packed in pink ivory, and that's a Bob

guarantee. Would you rather be made of carbon or all hydrogens? What the hell

does that even mean?

There is a right answer, though.

I felt it on the moment that I met you.

And I felt like a place that I should stay.

So let's just clear the air.

I am over here. I'm over there.

You know,

I'm sorry about Jackson.

I know it feels like everyone but you in on a secret.

Tarnus once farted into my Nalgene and said I ate his ass by the transit

property.

As if that's how the transit property even works.

Fucking moron.

Men are pigs.

Men are the whole damn barn.

And you know what?

I'll fucking drink to that.

Not from your Nalgene, I hope.

The final descent is a potter.

What a run-down piece of shit.

I know.

It's perfect.

Let's go!

It's locked.

Come on!

God damn it.

I got a plan.

Everybody take cover!

This place is about to smell like a frat house.

Holy shit.

Guys, we hit the mother load.

Who's getting married?

Well, I actually come to think of it, I... Leon?

Well, you can't marry me.

Well, I haven't met your parents yet, but...

From instructional swim to free swim.

From old camp to new.

Till death do you part.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

I know how hard a wedding can be for you, considering that your parents' love

was fake.

Those vows meant nothing.

How do you know when a guy likes you? Anyone in particular you're thinking of?

I've been waiting for him to, like, make a move, but nothing's happening.

Dude, let's crush rap.

Hell yeah, let's do it!

Wait, can I do the remix part?

Totally. How about next time? That's what you said last time.

This place is amazing!

Let's never leave! Am I a bullfrog? Cause it's hotter than July! Did it make

you feel any better?

It's usually not the kid's fault.

I don't think it was my fault yet.

It's not because you did anything.

It's because you exist.

Do you think he's, like, embarrassed?

Like I'm following him around and he doesn't even care about me?

So, uh, what you thinking about?

I don't know. What are you thinking about?

You know, at camp, I always tell everyone that you're

the most underrated.

Underrated at what?

Just in the rankings.

Thank you so much for seeing my potential.

What? It's really great. No, no, no, no, Tali.

It wasn't meant like that. It was meant as a compliment.

I'm sorry.

Wait, I don't understand. Are you mad?

I'm fine.

I should get some sleep.

Hello, my husband.

Hello, my wife.

Have you ever danced with someone before?

No.

I'll teach you.

Come.

Put your hands on my waist.

Just like that. There you go. Now just sway side to side.

There you go.

Yeah, you got it.

So, you gonna miss home?

My whole family thinks they're so smart and I'm the fuck-up.

I guess they decided they were done with me.

But hey, looks like I'm done with them too.

Well, I think you're smart.

Like, that one time when you forgot your line in the play and did the Star Wars

impression instead?

Like, you're really inventive.

Thank you. I must.

So, do you miss New York?

I bet you have all sorts of cool things waiting for you.

Is it true that your best friends are all older DJs?

No.

My home friends are all kind of the same.

It's nice to feel special at camp.

You know, I also invented the...

Remix part?

Like, of the crush rap?

Yeah. That's the best part.

I know.

But Jacob's whole point is, like, he said it's better if he does it, because

it's more of a surprise.

But what's the surprise?

Doesn't he do it every time?

Thank you again for marrying me.

It multiplies my cool factor by, like, 1,000.

Don't listen to what the guys say.

Trust me, when you're older, they'll be cooler than all of them.

Hope you're right.

But for now, the only thing that'll make you cool to them is if you have your

penis manipulated by a girl's hand.

You mean a hand job?

Mm-hmm.

The devil's handshake.

If you want.

You can tell the guys you got one.

From me.

But why would I say that?

Sometimes, you just gotta fake it till you make it.

Okay. Swear you won't tell anyone.

I won't. Like, at all.

I won't. Please.

What did you do?

I just, I did this dumb thing at school where I told everyone I had this

boyfriend in camp.

And that he was this hot French boy who, like, serenade me and was just, like,

obsessed with me.

Named Jacques.

Wait, you mean Jacques Ub?

Then the girls were suspicious and thought I was lying and asked to meet

him. So I said that we broke up and he went crazy from the heartbreak and was

sent away to a mental institution.

Well played.

Not really.

I figured it out.

And then everyone treated me like shit.

Is that when you started talking to Alan the stalker?

Yeah. There's also no Alan.

Sorry about...

lying about that too.

Sorry.

I don't give a shit.

I'm the same guy that catfished his principal pretending to be a 42-year-old

hooker named Kathy.

She's like, I told everyone from home that I had this guy from camp that was

obsessed with me and everyone from camp that I had this guy from home that was

obsessed with me.

That...

Really, no one's thinking about me.

I mean, I think about you.

Kissed you, I have.

Lord Anakin!

Don't slaughter the children.

0600.

Base.

Secured.

Udell, where are you?

Pick up. Coming to get you.

That won't be necessary.

Well, enjoy tonight, truly.

No, no, no.

Not for them. For you.

Yeah, I heard your parents don't want you coming back next summer.

They're still deciding.

No, it's decided. They emailed the camp office to withdraw you and everything.

Got your attention, huh?

Good.

Because I'm about to make you an offer one time and one time only.

I'm currently in Danny's office holding a ring of keys.

And one of these little buggers opens Danny's lockbox full of petty cash.

Add it all up and I would say it's quite a haul.

To the tune of eight,

nine grand.

That kind of coin would get you maybe one more summer camp.

No deal, Bob.

I'm not taking your fucking bribe.

I'd never sell out my dildos.

You know, Udell, you and I aren't that different.

I bet in another life we could have been friends.

Yeah, and in another life, maybe my parents would like each other and I

would have a four-inch dick.

I've been doing this a long time.

woods and i've got my dillos keeping me alive and strong you want to know how

this ends you know i win you lose you're never gonna find us bob

not today not tomorrow we're gonna make it

because we've got everything we need to survive

You okay, big man?

Okay, so, ideally, we wouldn't have gone through all our snacks in one night. But

now, we get to see what old camp pantry really has to offer.

Exhibit A.

Italian.

Peanut butter jelly time.

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, God, Jesus. Looks a little darker than usual. Is all the food expired?

No, this is just how they used to make peanut butter before it got all woke.

Jacob, it smells like my dog's asshole.

Aw, I miss my dog. It smells like my nana when they found her body all mushy.

She would have been proud of the woman you became.

What the fuck?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I like it.

What else do we have?

Maybe like the beginning of a salad.

Cook this guy up. What the hell is that?

Jesus.

No. Relax.

I'd remove the eyes.

I have found a can of tomato.

Are you sure this water's okay to fish in? It looks like it's full of shit.

I feel like the rat was a good idea. You didn't really give it a chance.

Sharnus, just fish, please.

Hey, did, uh, Tali say anything to you last night? Like, about me?

Nothing I can remember.

Did something happen?

Which one's second base?

You went to second base?

No, I wouldn't kiss and tell. I'm just wondering generally.

First base, kissing with tongue and moaning. Second base, tits out, no

bulge, kissing and moaning.

Third base, you lick her butthole and then you have dinner with her parents.

Did you do that?

Well, actually, I was going to say...

Billy's actually gotten a lot cooler and funnier than I remembered.

Odillos!

Morning,

gents.

I'd say I told you so, but I think it's pretty damn clear.

How did you find us?

You stole the map to old camp.

Oh, let's do camp forever.

What a sustainable long-term plan. You know there's a rat carcass on the

barbecue. Those things carry Ebola, right?

Leon, what the hell happened to you?

Sophie strove my penis.

Okay.

You know this plan was doomed, didn't you, Udell?

Okay, fine.

Take the deal.

Kid,

it's way too late for that. But if it makes you feel any better, I was never

going to give you that cash in the first place.

Jacob, what's he talking about?

Your fearless leader didn't tell you?

Jacob's not coming back next year. His parents won't shell out the dough.

Is that true?

Yeah, he knew that.

And now, no one's coming back next summer.

Unless, starting right now, you obey my every word.

I am bringing you back to camp.

where you will sit in the infirmary like God's perfect angels until your parents

arrive.

And then, write this off as our little secret.

Sounds like a bribe so you don't get fired.

Astute.

Udell, I think I speak for everyone when I say we're going to miss that keen

intuition when you're gone next year.

All right, let's go.

Hey, Jake, hey, just don't move!

Nobody move! Jacob!

Come on, Jacob!

Now, be reasonable.

Nobody move.

Oh, fuck, he's alive.

Everybody run!

I'll protect you.

For my wife!

Leon!

Leon. Leon.

Leon.

Alright, thank you.

Pretty badass, right?

Leon... The last 24 hours has been so, so

great. Agreed.

But... I have to go back to the city.

And... Leon, you're 10.

And you live in Georgia.

Wait.

We're breaking up?

I'm in so deep right now.

I screwed up at work big time.

And if I can't find a way to fix this, and I lose my job, then...

There's truly nothing left for me.

I don't want to go home.

Leon.

we can still be friends sophie you're making the biggest mistake

i have 150 kids who just

absolutely hate me all it really takes is just love them feed them and put

a band-aid on their knee it's really not so complicated oh put

a band-aid on their knee You forgot about the part where they defraud you

and run you over with your own truck.

Life's a bitch, Bob.

Get in line.

I'm locking you in. Good day, good night.

The key.

Where's my key?

So you're going to steal $8,000 to pay for camp next summer and your parents

aren't going to ask where you got it? Of course they will.

That's why I'm gonna break it up into a bunch of $18 checks. Save us from our

misforgifts. It's called money laundering. This mission has now gone

from a runaway to a robbery.

No one is getting kicked out of camp today.

Bob needs this to go away as much as we do.

So all you guys have to do is get back to camp tomorrow morning before parents

arrive, and then I'll steal the cash box and be able to pay for my own camp.

Look, you're a total bitch for not telling us about next summer. Agreed.

Same page.

I'm a bitch.

But you did throw Bob through a wall, which was on the list of things I need

to see before I die.

I think we need to keep pushing forward.

Yes.

Thank you, Charm.

Look, good things have been happening to all of us. Not just you.

Right, Tali?

I guess that's true.

Okay.

Great.

So, I was thinking we head west towards Hamlin's Peak.

Dude, Hamlin's Peak is like cliffs. Give me that.

Cone's Bay is way flatter and... That is way too long, Charm.

It's really not.

Come on.

Let's go.

You're not touching that cache, you miserable turd.

Oh, God damn it. Marcy, back early.

Hey, Danny-o!

Thought I wasn't seeing you till morning.

Miss me too much? No, I just thought it'd be less of a hassle if I sleep here

tonight, you know, in case the parents come over early. Oh, speaking of heading

in, I'd love to come inside and see how the big man gets comfy.

I'm gonna go in here. I can light you up a fire, come inside, and leave right

after I light the fire. It's good, okay?

You should go to the infirmary.

Okay.

Night-night.

Yes, not come in here. At all. Ever.

Thank you.

Bob? Ah, so, I think the problem is that the

M.I. stands for miles and not minutes.

My mistake, sorry.

So we're lost.

Cool. What?

No, we're fine.

We're fine, okay? Well, I guess the map didn't mention the giant fucking cliff.

Or did it?

Did it?

No. No, it didn't.

Yeah, this is a dead end.

Look, I have a plan. If we go down slowly, and we go to that ridge...

Great, why don't you do your plan, and Tal and I will just meet you back at

the... Okay, stop.

When did you start calling her Tal?

Well, I mean, that's what you call her.

What are you going to do next?

Hook up?

What if we did?

Well, just... I can't believe you chose him.

Okay.

Do you want to write home? Guys, stop it!

Should we get out the typewriter?

He won't eat anything spicier than a green pepper. And he once jerked off to

a picture of his aunt. I told you that in private. I don't care.

She wasn't blood related.

Dear mom and dad, Jarnus is a jealous dick who faked his nut allergy for

attention. And he only likes Tali because he wants to be me.

Well, at least my parents don't hate me. Why are you always in charge?

You think I'm the one who follows you? I came up with the fucking crush rap. Your

remix ideas are aggressively unfunny. I literally have a notebook full of ideas

that are way better. Number one, Obama and Shabbat. Number two, Danny Views

Jamaica. Do you have any?

Come on. Give us an idea. Give us an original idea.

No? I'll go.

Yoda is Kim Jong-un.

Minion porn.

swift trying to juggle fine take the remix i don't care oh my god you are

such a no i'm not dude you ruin any good relationship in your life

dude what the keep those

back what are you doing no

now you and all

your friends can go find it

Tal, let's go.

Wait.

Please, wait. Tal, please help me.

That's all I ever do.

Are you ever once gonna think about me?

I wanted to be with you so bad, I literally started pretending we were

together. Yeah, except she had to make you seem way cooler than you actually

are. She made up this entire backstory about how you were a hot French psycho.

Shut up!

Why did you not tell me about that?

Because it's humiliating.

Almost as humiliating as you looking up with my best friend.

Come on. We only did that because we were mad at you.

Oh.

I mean... You know what I mean.

Yeah.

I want to go home.

Where's Udell?

Your guess is as good as ours.

For real.

Udell, can you hear me?

Whatever you're running away from, staying back here ain't gonna fix it.

You can still turn this around.

It's not too late.

You know, I built my whole life around staying at camp.

Sounds dreamy until you wake up and realize you got nothing left to live

for.

Bob, you don't think that I have a plan?

I am getting that cash. And tomorrow morning, before parents arrive, I will

be at the infirmary with the money in my hand.

Because next summer, I am going back to camp.

It's a lose-lose for you, Bob.

Either you lose $8,000, or you admit to losing five kids.

Either way, you are done.

Okay.

Looks like we're going to do this the hard way.

One of us is leaving camp tomorrow for good.

And news flash, it's not going to be me.

You got that, Udell?

You ready to pack that duffel one last time? Ready to take that last walk

across Foster Field?

Udell.

Gingo.

Danny's cabin.

All the way to the infirmary.

I got your nose, weasel.

Excuse me.

Oh, you must be Leon's parents. What a pleasure. Look, I'm sorry. I have to

step out, so I... We just want to do a quick comparison of your camp's pink eye

protocols with those of the CDC.

Okay.

Ooh, toot toot toot.

Don't you forget where the infirmary was?

You're the harnesses. No.

You down.

Just get down.

I'll guess you can't.

You can keep the money.

You down, please.

Bobby's coming.

Whoa!

Bob, slow down there, buddy.

I got a kid to save you, Rick.

So, would you like to head to the infirmary? Yeah, sounds good. Yeah, come

on.

irresponsible are you fucking insane you could have been killed like what why are

you like this holy okay sorry i shouldn't have said that sorry actually

no i'm not sorry you should be sorry now go sit down there now sit down there

don't move

Hey, get your leg up.

It's probably stinging a little.

I'm sorry about your car.

Thanks, two of us.

And I'm sorry your wife left you at the altar, because you circumcised too much

of your... Appreciate it.

You know, Udell, you stay at camp long enough, you start to realize

part of what...

makes it all magic is that it ends.

Jacob.

Let's go to the car.

Hi, guys.

Jacob, I'm so glad to finally meet you.

Yeah.

Jacob, you remember Gordon?

Hey, Jacob.

Hello.

Okay. Let's get this good and tight. Let's do it. Yeah.

Either of you want a snack?

Pasta?

Yeah.

Thank you. I made it myself.

Wow. Thank you. Yeah.

I just wanted to really formally apologize for everything.

And I'm gonna make it up.

I promise.

I'll mow lawns. I'll become a house cleaner. Jalen's really good with

crypto, so maybe I... Okay, hey, Jacob, relax.

It's okay.

I know I screwed up with, like, everyone.

The greatest thing that has ever happened to both of us. That's right.

Yeah, things are different, but that doesn't mean they have to be worse.

But you have to give it a real try. Yeah.

Hey.

Mind if I join?

Magic Club's open to all.

Today may just be lower attendance.

Probably a busy week for people.

What's in this one?

Give it a shake.

You're a natural.

I guess it runs in the family.

Oh, hey, Seamus.

Great to see you. This is Jacob. He got exploding dice on the first try. Nice to

meet you. So, are you more of a mind freak or a card shark?

Oh, no, I think he's just an observer.

No, I did actually have one question.

Do either of you have a trick where you, like, break out of chains?

Like a mental patient.

I can teach you that one, no problem.

But, you know, hang on a sec.

I'm actually feeling a little nauseous. Are you okay? Do you need water?

Wait, could you say that again? I couldn't hear you. Oh, don't worry. You

weren't there.

There was this piñata and these clowns. Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour, bonjour,

Hallmark Middle School. I am looking for a madam by the name of Talia Simani.

Sweet Talia.

Jacob, what are you doing? Baby, please.

Don't be a stranger.

It's sure.

I've broken out of the asylum for you.

Oh, my God.

Wait, Talia, is this your crazy ex?

Oh,

my God.

I... I... Jock, I thought I told you. We broke up!

I... I just really... Dude!

Get the hell out of my girl's face!

Talia is ours.

It's okay, Courtney. I've got this. Sit down. You're scaring people.

Also... The driver's gonna be back in a minute, and she's, like, really

protective about strangers coming on the bus.

He's totally real.

For the record, I always believed her.

Thank you for that.

Yeah.

Of course.

What the hell is going on here? I leave for five minutes, and they tell me some

French mother... Hey, uh, buddy, I hope you don't

mind. I thought you might like to have some friends here with you.

Hey!

Hi. Hi.

Udell. Well, well, well.

Hi, Bob.

Bob? Wow, you look slicker than a greased watermelon.

Thank you, Bob.

Kind of surprised to see you here.

Well, I'll be honest. I was kind of surprised to get the invite. I'm

thinking your dad thought I was a child.

Speaking of overgrown children, where is the little fungal stump?

Have you guys heard from Charm?

Dana, from the moment we first met, I knew the next chapter of my life

had begun.

You fill me up with more joy than I could possibly imagine.

And I vow to fill you up even more. In bed.

What?

Okay. All of my life has been prologue leading up to this moment.

As we embark upon this adventure... What is marriage?

If you asked a dictionary, it would say when two people get married.

But love... That's a little bit more complicated.

Not that you guys need a reminder. I mean, you're both on marriage number

two.

You do crazy things to hold on to what you love.

And you do hold on tight.

Because you're terrified of what it would be like if you lost it.

And sometimes you do lose it, but maybe it's not fully gone.

I hope.

Here's to finding the one.

Am I a bullfrog or is it hotter than July?

July!

Oh my god.

Sorry.

This is, uh, usually a wedding. Jakey, baby, tell it to me fresh.

Wedding!

Let's go!

My name's Jacob. And my name's Sean. And there's a funny little rumor going round

the barn. A couple of lovers, we don't know who. The chickens won't eat.

The cows won't pet.

We asked the...

The llama said, I don't give a... You got this.

Go. Oh, Jesus, there's more.

Remake!

Remake!

Hello, my name's Barack Obama.

Wow,

she's finally doing it. Amen, y'all!

Woo! Yeah, Charnas! I think he's doing something racist.

It's just minions. What do you do for work?

I really feel like people didn't get the Minions thing.

It was perfect.

I totally got it. That's how a Minion would act at Starbucks.

Thank you.

Seriously, you have to do that next summer.

Yeah, well, about that.

I'm not coming back next summer.

What? My new school does this mandatory summer session.

I'm sorry.

Honestly, I hate to admit it, but my new school is kind of bomb. My parents

said... I can't focus, so now I get all these accommodations.

Like, I can take tests for as long as I want. They're such dumbasses.

Oh, you two whispering is never good.

Don't worry, Bob.

Next summer, Fineman will finally be free of us.

Well, that makes three of us.

Danny gave me the boot.

Udell, don't you go worried about old Bobby.

I can't believe we're never gonna be back at Foster Field.

Well, after spending many an off-season at camp, I can tell you boys, it's not

the place that makes it feel like Vineman.

It's you dillos running on the wood chip path when I tell you to walk.

Come dance!

Hey, Bob, do you want to join us?

Oh, no, you go ahead. I should play with the grown-ups.

Are you sure?

You don't know anybody.

Go!

scram youtube

I pictured a rainbow You held it in

your hands I had flashes

But you saw the plan I

wandered out in the world for years While you

just stayed in your room I saw the crescent

turnstiles with the wind at your heels you stretched for the stars and you know

how it feels to reach too high too far too

soon you saw the whole of the moon i was grounded

You cut through lies I saw the rain dirty valley

You saw Brigadoon I

saw the crescent You

saw the

I spoke about wings.

You just flew.

I wondered, I guessed and I tried.

You just knew.

I sighed.

in your pocket and the wind at your heels you climbed on the ladder and you

know how it feels to get too high too far

too soon you saw the

Trumpets, towers and tenements, wide oceans full of tears.

Flags, rags, ferry boats, scimitars and scars.

Every precious dream and vision underneath the stars.

Yes, you climbed on the ladder.

With the wind in your sails, you came like a comet.

Blazing your trail too high, too far.

You saw the

I am the youngest of a family of spiders.

I've got a web of my very own weaving.

I know where I belong and nothing's gonna beat it. So I ain't going

home just because I'm leaving.