Original subtitles

Morning, Mike.

How's it hanging?

Oh, fine, Dave. Just fine.

Now, put your mail on your desk, and you have an appointment later with the

director of point calculations.

Let's reschedule that. Those things last like a thousand years.

Listen, we got the files for the new crop of incoming, and the big guy thinks

it's time for you to fly solo.

I get to design it myself?

You've been an apprentice long enough.

You're ready.

Please. Oh.

Oh, Dave.

I'm going to work so hard, my design is going to be absolutely perfect.

Okay. Easy there, rookie. Starting immediately, you'll be out of my

department. You'll be reporting directly to the front office.

This is your shot.

Good luck.

The Bad Place is owed to people.

You have all done bad things since you arrived here. I don't care which two of

you go.

You can decide. You have 30 minutes.

All I ever wanted was for this neighborhood, my first neighborhood, to

be perfect.

Somehow I blew it.

You're all suffering.

And for that, I'm deeply sorry.

This is... Truly the saddest day of my life.

Okay, I guess I'll speak first.

Jason and I are the mistakes.

We're the ones who misled everybody and dragged you all into this mess, so we

should go to the bad place. Agreed.

Okay, I thought you were going to at least pretend to fight me on that, but

whatever. Hang on. That judge guy just said everyone here has done bad things.

Let's look at this ethnically. For what I hope is the last time, it is

ethically. You guys helped me and Eleanor, right?

But we're bad.

So you helping us was bad.

It's basic consequentialism. The morality of an action is solely judged

on its consequences.

Great.

the one time you actually remember something from class. Maybe I was

brought here by mistake, but since we've been here, I just tried to stay out of

everyone's way.

Chidi's done worse stuff than me. He murdered Janet. He killed my wife. I was

trying to stop you from doing it. Yeah, but you did it. He who smelled it

murdered Janet.

Okay, well, it's settled then.

Editor and Janu are leaving.

For the last time, my name is Jason. Not Janu, the amazing, incredible monk.

Which is why you belong in the bad place.

And by the way, Janet is not your wife.

Or your soulmate. There's a Janet in every neighborhood.

Well, I'm in love with this Janet. We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff

which almost turned out to be sex.

And we were married in a legal ceremony. It was not legal. Okay, J-Bones, you and

me, outside.

What?

I'm not going. I don't want to. I know you don't want to, goofball. I don't

want to either.

But let's face it.

Chidi and Tahani are better people than we are. We tried to improve ourselves,

and you know what?

We did a good job.

Well, I did a good job. You mostly fell asleep in class or made fart noises with

your hands.

I could never do that on Earth.

This place truly is paradise.

Look at them.

Whispering away like two beef eaters on a tea break.

I bet they're plotting against us. No way.

Eleanor wouldn't do that.

You do have feelings for her, don't you? I don't know.

Yes, but no.

Please don't make me think about this again. My brain will break. I'm sorry.

It's just that I have certain feelings for you.

You must see this.

The universe keeps intertwining our fates. First, we both get fraudulent

soulmates, and now we may be going to the bad place together.

It's meaningful, don't you think?

This whole romantic situation is such a mess. I am vexed to honey.

Vexed. I'm sorry. I don't mean to contribute to your misery. It's just

that I'm frightened.

I don't have an actual soulmate.

What's gonna happen to me when Jason and fake Eleanor go and you're off with real

Eleanor?

With a Tahani.

Okay, team meeting.

Jason has agreed that the two of us should go.

Bye, Tahani.

Sorry for everything.

After I'm gone, you can go ahead and clean out my butthole.

Thank you.

I love you so much, baby.

Promise me you'll visit.

I will not.

It is literally impossible for me to do that.

Well, it's been real, dog.

Sorry, that's how I ended most of my serious relationships.

Yeah, that checks out.

I feel like I failed you.

No.

Don't ever think that.

I was dropped into a cave and you were my flashlight.

Oh, goodbye forever.

I will miss you so much. I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.

Okay, ready, bud?

It's gonna get freaky down there.

Nice. Not in a good way, dummy.

Whatever happens, if we possibly can, we gotta stick together, okay?

Let's grab Michael.

Come in.

Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

Um, I'm going to the bad place.

I'm taking one of the slots.

What? Awesome.

I've been there. I know I can hack it.

Actually, I have kind of a rapport with some of the fire monsters.

Also, if I can prevent someone else from being tortured, I should. It just seems

right. Eleanor, that's crazy.

You belong here.

There's another reason.

Everyone here is supposed to have a soulmate, and my soulmate doesn't love

me.

I don't know if you love the other Eleanor or Tahani or someone else, but

you don't love me, which means that this will never really be my

good place.

I'm going, so you only have to choose one more person.

Okay, that means... That means that... What does that mean?

It means... I get to stay here with my wife forever!

We did it, Eleanor!

USA! USA!

USA!

USA! USA!

This is so dope! I get to stay!

You realize if you stay, I still have to go, right?

Yes, but...

I get to stay.

Good point, bud.

Well reasoned.

Wow, Chidi is a terrible writer.

This is a real mess, huh?

No matter what they decide, I bet you're gonna be in pretty hot water with your

boss. Wouldn't be surprised if retirement were on the table.

Retirement? Of course, what do I know?

I'm just the all-knowing judge of all matters in the afterlife.

But face it, this is your mistake.

Good morning, Mike.

Good morning, Val.

Which one's which? I always forget.

Black is regular.

Orange is antimatter.

Working on your first solo design, right?

How's it coming?

Fine.

I guess.

Do you ever get the feeling we could be doing it all...

It's always the same. We get the names, come up with the design, they arrive, we

move on to the next one.

We never even get to be there to see how fun it is.

Yeah, that is a bummer. But it's a good system. I mean, it works, right?

But don't rock the boat here, pal.

Just try to do a good job.

French vanilla?

Regular antimatter's fine. Why flavor it?

A good job.

Okay, all things being equal, and please check my ethical math here, the right

move for me is to go, right?

Jason does seem to love Janet.

And he's not taking anyone's place because the real Jian Yu isn't even dead

yet.

So I should go.

Wow.

You're making decisions based on what's best for other people. Yeah, dude.

I'm not a monster anymore.

All right, nerds. It's settled.

I'll go to the bad place with real Eleanor and you three can stay. Yes! We

get to stay, baby! We did it!

Wait. No.

You're not going.

I am.

What? Why?

Real Eleanor is my soulmate, or was my soulmate, and she's only going down

there because she thinks that I don't love her. Do you?

I don't know. Please don't ask me that. My stomach hurts. The point is, if she's

going down there because of me, I'll never be at peace.

Plus, Jason is right. I've done plenty of terrible things since I've gotten

here. I deserve to go. Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it! No, dude, this is

bonkers. I am going. End of story. No, I'm going with Real Eleanor.

End of discussion.

No, I'm going.

End of everything.

What? Now you're trying to replace Chidi? No.

I'm going to replace real Eleanor. Chidi and I are going to go together, which

means that you and real Eleanor Jason can stay. Yes! We get to stay, baby! We

did it!

Look, I love you, and I think you love me.

We can be together, away from everyone else.

Obviously, we'll be miserable, but I truly believe our love...

will make us happy okay you realize the bad place is not some sort of couples

retreat right if it is janet and i would like to go i am going and real eleanor

is going no i'm going with real eleanor no i'm going with kitty me and jen are

staying just fyi oh that's enough out of you robot lover hey that's racist not a

robot oh you have some nerve guys

Holy mother-forking shirt balls.

What?

Oh, man.

Wow.

Okay. Okay.

Woo!

Yo, Mikey, Sean.

Come on out.

Is everything okay?

Right as rain, Mikey, my boy.

So... Chidi and I are going to go to the bad place.

What? Trust me. I've got this.

That's our decision.

Let's hit it. What about real Ellen? No, it's me and Chidi.

Call the train.

Point of order. I don't accept this offer.

The real mistakes were Jason and Ellen. Gah, gah, gah, gah. You said any two of

us. It's me and Chidi.

Let's do it to it.

Michael, I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just

save everyone. Buzz off, Bomba John.

Don't need it.

Oh, okay.

Ready when you are, boss.

Eleanor, what's going on?

It took me a while to figure it out.

But just now, as we were all fighting and yelling at each other and each one

of us demanding we should go to the bad place, I thought to myself, man, this is

torture. And then it hit me.

They're never gonna call a train to take us to the bad place.

They can't.

Because we're already here.

This is the bad place.

Oh, man.

I can't believe you figured it out.

Oh, God!

You ruined everything, you know that?

Oh, man.

Eleanor, you really suck.

I was so close to pulling it off.

Sorry.

So she's right.

Yeah, she figured it out. No, this doesn't make...

This is paradise.

Oh, it looks like paradise, but it's actually a filthy dumpster full of our

worst anxieties. I'm surrounded by people who are literally better than me.

Just me being here forced Chidi into an ethical clusterfork.

Tahani tortured Jason by constantly trying to get him to talk. Jason

tortured me because I was sure he would blow our cover. Which was torture for

Chidi because he was responsible for me. Which made Chidi seem like the perfect

soulmate. And that tortured Tahani because he didn't love her.

You don't love me? Please don't ask me that right now. See?

We've been torturing each other since the moment we arrived.

And everything Michael has done has made at least one of us miserable.

I had to be his assistant and try and find myself.

He convinced me to throw my life's work in the garbage.

He made sure I'd see those bogus neighborhood rankings because he knew

I'd hate being second to last.

And I had the perfect butthole and no dudes to share it with.

He played us like a fiddle.

You gotta give it up. Oh, dear.

Eleanor, I told you that first night that we were in a prank show.

Oh, yeah.

You did.

Great job, man.

Chidi, don't go.

I don't care if you don't love me. I love you.

It's the only thing that makes any sense to me in this crazy world.

And I think we should stay here and try... No, stop, Vicki. They figured it

out.

They... They know this is a bad place. Eleanor figured it out.

Oh, man!

This was supposed to be my big moment. I just rehearsed that speech for, like,

three hours.

Damn it, Eleanor. You are the worst.

And you can all suck it.

Do you remember what I told you when you predicted you could do this for a

thousand years?

The time has come to innovate.

The human afterlife can be more fun.

For us, obviously.

Not for the people we're torturing. Who cares about those dummies?

I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment.

Four people perfectly suited to make each other miserable.

I am going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.

We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even

getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is

like... I can't think of the right analogy.

What makes you think that you can get them to do this? Because they won't even

know that they are doing it.

I'm going to make them think that they are in the good place. And to make sure

that they drive each other insane, I will be there posing as a good place

architect. I even stole a good place Janet we can use.

It can work.

Look. We can just send them all to the hot spike pits with the lava and the

bees and the lightning that tears off their flesh. Let's try something new.

The thrill of watching them torture each other with personal deception and

jealousy will be so much more fulfilling than, I don't know, pouring spiders into

people's eyes for like the zillionth time. Hey, the spiders work great.

Val, no one's criticizing the spiders. No, you've done amazing work with the

spiders.

Too many variables. Too many moving parts.

That's what will make it fun. I cannot predict everything that's going to

happen, but we'll improvise. We'll be on our toes.

It'll be exciting.

I think that we can get them to torture each other for a thousand years.

I think you'd be lucky to get six months out of this insane gambit.

But take me through it.

How would this work exactly?

Oh, yes. All right. So, this is a 14 million point plan.

Um, oh, sorry.

I thought we reserved the conference room. No, Todd, we have it until 3.

Sorry. Sorry, everyone.

So, Bomba John and Pavita and Gunner and Sean,

everyone else in this neighborhood? Except for you four, everyone in this

neighborhood.

is one of us.

After I came up with everyone's characters, we'd just create fun

scenarios designed to torture you.

How can I be over it? We haven't discussed it or even spoken for days.

Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice vacation from your full-time job.

Get your stories right.

Okay.

They're at each other's throats already.

This should put them over the top. Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye. Oh,

maybe my specialty was identity theft cases.

Love it! Love!

Tracy, you're his soulmate. Nina, a marriage counselor.

Maybe we can get them to swing with us.

Perfect, perfect.

Hey,

guys, it's Michael.

That was really a fun time.

Then it all started to go off the rails.

When I confessed, you had no idea I was gonna do that.

Because... Honestly, I had no idea I was going to do that. Yeah, that came out of

nowhere. I mean, after that, it was just a crazy scramble for all of us. You

know, I definitely underestimated how effective Chidi was going to be teaching

you to be good. And obviously, we didn't anticipate that Janet would fall in love

with Jason.

Hang on.

That part is real?

Oh, yeah.

Janet isn't one of us. No, she's sort of a foundational mainframe for all of the

neighborhoods, good and bad.

And apparently this Janet is in love with Jason.

I mean, what a world, huh? I knew it.

I love you so much, baby.

And I, in an indefinable way that is not communicable through language, love you.

Wait, I don't get something.

I know why Jason and I were sent here, but why Tahani?

Oh, yeah.

Didn't you raise, like, $1,000 for charity or whatever? Uh, $60 billion,

actually, so...

But it didn't matter.

Because my motivations were corrupt.

I didn't care about helping the people I raised the money for.

I just wanted to prove my parents wrong and stick it to my sister.

Get fame and attention.

My only real goal was to snog Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball.

Which I did.

A couple of times, actually.

Well, well, looks like Duchess Perfecto wasn't so perfect after all. I don't

really think now is the time to gloat. I don't care.

I'm going to gloat a little.

But wait, why is Chidi here? Well, there's something you don't know about

me. I read an article saying that growing almonds was bad for the

environment and yet I continued to use almond milk in my coffee. No, dingus.

You hurt everyone in your life with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.

Oh, Fork.

You're right.

Every friend, every girlfriend was dripping nuts because I couldn't do

anything. I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my

landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone.

I made everyone miserable.

Well, if it'd make you feel any better, you were the closest to actually getting

in up there.

You weren't that close.

You were just the closest.

That makes me feel worse, somehow.

Good. Thank you, Sheedy. I really needed to hear that right now.

I mean, all this hard work, all the planning, all for nothing.

It really sucks.

No, it doesn't.

This is wonderful.

You saw us all unearth a selfish ass and...

Idiot DJ and tortured academic.

A hot, rich fraud with legs for days.

Side note, I might legit be into Tawny, but that's for another time.

You thought we would torture each other.

And we did, for a little. But we also took care of each other.

We improved each other.

And the four of us became a team.

So, the only thing you succeeded in doing?

was bringing us all together.

Oh, Eleanor.

That's it.

My big mistake was bringing you all together, having you be soulmates,

living next to each other.

Next time, I'll spread you out so it's more of a slow burn.

Uh, next time? Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna erase your memories, you know, make a

few changes and start over again. Hopefully.

Just gotta get the boss man to sign off.

Wish me luck.

Guys, we need a plan. Quick.

Tahani, anything?

GD, I need you. You're the smart one. I can't. I can't. Jason?

What? What's up?

What do you say? Take two, huh?

I don't know.

I mean, what is this? All this work for four people, and me, I'm wearing a

judge's robe?

I feel like a real weenie. Look, for a first attempt, it was actually very

promising. Let me just...

Tinker a little. Try again.

Okay.

But you're way out on a limb here, Mike.

If this thing goes sideways again, you are done.

Guys, he is going to erase our memories at any second, and all of this will have

been for nothing.

Ooh, you're useless!

What do I write? What do I write?

Ooh, come on, brain.

Janet?

You can't eat anything, right? Correct.

Open up.

All right.

Let's try again.

Shall we? You know what, bro?

Do your worst.

We figured it out once. We can do it again. Because you know what, Michael?

You're basic.

You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

Your life on Earth has ended, and you're now in the next phase of your existence

in the universe.

Cool.

You know the way you feel when you see a chimpanzee and a baby tiger who've

become friends?

That's how you're going to feel every day.

Your medical relief mission to Kazan stand.

That really puts you over the top. You got a ton of points for that.

Eleanor, I'm Chris Baker.

I'm your soulmate.

Cool. Bring it in, man.

So where are you from, Chris?

I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey, and I was a mailman.

Really?

Chris, you'll stand by me no matter what, right? I want that thought.

Is it okay if I go work out?

I love working out. I gotta stay jacked. It's who I am.

Yeah, you gotta.

Once I'm back, we'll get to know each other.

Great.

See you soon.

Hi there.

Who are you? I'm Janet.

I think this is yours.

After I was rebooted, I found it in my mail.

What?

The fork is a cheaty.

Why can't I say fork?