Original subtitles

And now the end is near And so I

face the final curtain Wow, what the

hell? Walk it off, Lululemon. I'll say it clear I'll state my case

Of which I'm certain I've lived

A life that's full.

I traveled each can.

Live every day like it's your last.

Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.

Ma'am, it's 1-32-21.

So, big plans this weekend?

Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house, watching wedding fails on YouTube,

drinking margaritas through a Twizzler straw until I pass out on top of my

vibrator.

You have a second to talk about the environment?

No. Buzz off, whale humper.

You know, I see you here all the time, and you're always mean to me, and it

really hurts my feelings.

It does? Because the minute you're out of my line of sight, I literally forget

you exist.

Watch. You exist.

You don't exist.

You're bothering me.

Don't care if you die.

See?

Why are you like this?

Excuse me. Why am I like this? You don't know me, dude. You don't know what I'm

like. Look what you made me do, Jagoff.

Uh-oh.

Oh,

good. You're awake. Can I ask you a question about where we're going?

Sure.

Where are we going? I forgot.

We're going somewhere that's not the good place and it's not the bad place.

We're going to a medium place.

Is there a 7-Eleven on the way? Because Janet's powers aren't working, and I

want some gum and some football cards and some scratchy tickets.

Go away from me.

Okay.

Can this train go any faster, Janet?

No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of

eternity if we get caught. Don't worry. There's no way to tell we're going to

Mindy St. Clair's house.

It'll be our sexy little secret.

Jason, tell me about sexy things.

Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?

Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram,

girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr.

ads, and sex.

Hmm? Some of those are right.

I'm here to preside over case number 00003 regarding the soul of Eleanor

Shelstrop. The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.

What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um, the fake Eleanor's a dirtbag, and

these jabonis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirtbag now, but she

just stole your train, and she still sucks bad, and she belongs with us.

Oh, also, check this out.

Nailed it.

I have ruled the fart inadmissible.

as evidence.

What I will consider is the recent development of Eleanor stealing my

train. Now, hold on a second. She stole your train to voluntarily go down to the

bad place.

She was sacrificing herself because she is a wonderful, selfless... No, don't...

What's happening? I should have warned you. Sean only cares about cold, hard

facts. If he detects any feelings in your voice, he retreats into a cocoon.

So what we need to do now is just be very still and very quiet.

Finally.

What did he just say? Oh, because you're all so perfect.

Wow.

This is truly nothing.

So where does this Mindy St. Clair live?

I don't know. I'm out of range of our neighborhood. I don't have any of my

normal abilities here.

Perfect. Well, let's try this way.

Oh, I've never had to walk before. This is fun.

Now I'm bored.

Walking is dumb.

Well, given that she's the only person in the neighborhood, I'm guessing this

is the cli- Oh, she's naked!

Oh, sorry!

Who are you?

I'm Janet.

Hello, Mindy. My name is Beatty. I'm from The Good Place, and welcome to your

first day in the afterlife.

What's up, idiot? Sorry I'm late, babe. Hey, are you pregnant?

That's not possible. Congrats.

Yeah, so, Mindy, look, you mostly sucked, but then you did this one good

thing. I mean, I still think we should get you. They didn't, but neither did

we. A compromise was made.

The neighborhood you were in now, by yourself.

You submitted a list of things you wanted.

The good place provided those things.

Yeah, and the bad place made some modifications.

We got you your favorite beer. Yeah, but it's always warm.

On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung. Yeah, by the Eagles, and it's

only the live versions. Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William

Shatner.

It's deeply terrible.

You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity. Welcome to the medium place.

So what's up? What's your deal? Are you single? What's going on?

Sorry about before.

One of the perks of living alone is that I get to just walk around naked.

My kind of gal. And I gotta say, you keep it tight.

Oh, that is the nicest and only thing anyone has said to me in 30 years.

So tell us everything.

I mean, what did you do to end up here?

That's kind of a long story.

Gonna need a drink or three.

Definitely my kind of gal. You guys have fun. This is me and Janet's honeymoon,

so we're gonna go try and figure out how to have sex.

So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s. I only cared about making

money and doing cocaine.

And I was pretty crappy to my family as well. But one night, I had an epiphany,

right? I needed to do something good with my life. So I drew up plans for

this foundation that would help kids all over the world, would advance human

rights, revolutionize agriculture, and just improve every nation and every

society in every possible way.

You were pretty coked up, huh? Oh, yeah, man. I was flying high.

It was awesome.

But, you're not going to believe this, I followed through.

Yeah. I woke up the next morning, I went straight to the bank, I withdrew my life

savings, and I was going to start that charity.

Good for you.

And then I immediately fell into subway tracks and was electrocuted by the third

rail. Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was going to kill me.

Because I love cocaine.

Do you have any?

I'm just, I shouldn't. Do you?

No, no.

Yeah, I mean I was just I was just kidding. It was just a joke.

I mean who would want to do cocaine right now?

Are you okay? Anyway, so after I died my sister found my plan and she used my

money to start the Mindy St. Clair Rescue Alliance.

Yeah. It's actually the largest relief aid charity in the world.

Oh, so the question was, did you get credit for all those good person points

or not?

Exactly. I don't know how long my case was pending or whatever, but when I woke

up, the two sides had been fighting about me for a long time.

Like a stripper over that last bump of coke at the party, if you know what I

mean.

But anyway, they finally came to this compromise, you know?

Well, it beats being tortured.

I was about to turn myself in.

No. Yeah.

There's no time for that morality nonsense, sweetheart.

This is about survival.

You gotta look out for number one.

Right. Well, we don't have proof that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's. Eleanor, we've

got a surprise for you.

Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake. Oh, I know you've only worked here a few

weeks, but we have this little office tradition where we all pitch in and then

we... Yeah, no, I get it. It's just, I know what kind of cake I like. Plus,

it's Lisa's birthday next week, and if I let you give me a cake, that means I

gotta pitch in to get Lisa a cake and sing to her and wear one of those dumb

hats you all are wearing right now. No thanks.

This way, I don't owe you anything, you don't owe me anything.

Later.

What were we talking about?

What is her deal? Why is she like this?

I don't know, but the meaner she is, the more it turns me on. Is that weird?

You're my boss.

Oh, say that to me again, but more disgusted with me, like I'm a worm.

Eleanor was supposed to be in the bad place, arrived here by accident, assumed

another person's identity, and has now escaped. Is that the whole story?

Well, no.

Someone else was sent here by mistake.

His name is Jason Mendoza, and I believe he's on the train with Eleanor. You knew

about Jason? Yes.

I know that he's a fake, and that he's married to Janet, and that this entire

neighborhood is... What's the human expression?

Ah, yes. A smokin' hot turd.

I will deal with Jason Mendoza later.

For now, I will hear your arguments for why fake Eleanor Shellstrop should stay

in the good place.

We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking Kristen Stewart

on a red carpet level of emotionless here, all right?

Begin.

Eleanor dedicated herself to the study of ethics.

I was blown away by her capacity for self-improvement. Eleanor is a

magnificent person who has grown tremendously in her time here. Please,

I'm begging you, please.

Voluntarily heading to the bad place proves that she is a selfless person.

Sorry. I'm getting choked up.

Yes.

Voluntarily sacrificing herself and heading to the Bad Place would be a

point in her favor. However, I've just received word that Eleanor is not

currently in the Bad Place. We have no idea where she is.

What? I will now review Eleanor's

memories. Her memories? As in all the things she's done on Earth?

Perhaps we could take a little break first. You know, we've been at it for a

while, and you must be tired.

I've been asleep in goo for the last 29 years, so I'm good. Call up the screen

for fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please.

Where should we begin?

Waiters screamed at?

Or cyberbullying of pregnant woman from spin class?

Hey, you want to grab a drink or something?

Uh, no, I kind of have my own private time routine.

I thought you'd want company after being here alone for so long.

No. Okay, I get it.

Hey, um, where did you get that? That's not one of my books. I only have Anne

Rice vampire novels with water stains, and I've cut words out of most of them

to make pornography.

My friend in the good place gave it to me when he was teaching me ethics.

It reminds me of him. Look, if you want to survive, you have to forget what you

left behind. Take that whole experience, crumple it up, throw it in the garbage

can.

Instead of reading, I will watch this VHS copy of Cannonball Run 2.

Or, maybe, the making of Cannonball Run 2.

Wow. Very medium. Yeah.

Hey, you two lovebirds figure out how to have sex yet? No. We tried for two

hours, but there was just a lot of, like, bumping into each other. It was

weird.

This ain't your bar mitzvah anymore, bitch. It's my 25th birthday! What?

Hot tiara, girl.

That was the crashing and subsequent destruction of Vanessa Garcia's

quinceañera. Let's move on to another event.

Heckling of mall centers.

Lifetime ban from Build-A-Bear Workshop.

Brief Instagram flirtation with Kid Rock. Oh, no.

This is getting away from us. We need to do something quickly.

Judge,

request permission to speak somewhat emotionally?

Ugh, fine.

Dramamine. Helps with the nausea.

Proceed. Look, I know, obviously, these memories aren't great. I was

particularly disturbed by started fire in mailbox to get mailman to take off

shirt. But that was the old Eleanor.

She changed.

She worked, and she studied, and she got better. And it wasn't just self

-preservation. It was real self-improvement.

I made the decision to help Eleanor that first week, and I'm glad I did.

Because she's worth it.

I, too, helped Anana.

Not as much as Chidi, surely, but my help was more friendship and sorely

needed fashion advice.

Eleanor deserves to stay.

Thank you for these testimonials. A ruling has been reached.

Oh, you want to hear it. I forgot how needy humans are.

Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person.

The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth. She

deserves to be in the bad place.

As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any

evidence to suggest... Oh, he's from Florida?

Yeah, he belongs in the bad place.

No, but how do you intend to enforce this ruling? You have no idea where they

are. Bad Janet?

What's up, Forknuts?

Engage wonky-tonky protocol.

What if you're here and I'm like this?

Yes, that may work.

Whoa, what is happening? Is she having an orgasm? Did I do it somehow?

Attention, Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza. This is the almighty judge on

high of all beings living and dead for all eternity.

My name's Sean.

We do not know where you are, but hope you are receiving this message.

You have been found to be the rightful property of the Bad Place.

Either return to your original neighborhood or your accomplices, Chidi

Anagonye and Tahani Aljamil, will go to the Bad Place in your stead.

What? You have four hours.

Goodbye. Your Honor, please.

Chidi and Tahani are completely innocent.

They are not completely innocent.

They told me so themselves.

They hated and abetted two criminals, one of whom was a DJ.

They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani to the bad place?

We're off the hook! This is amazing!

Babe, we are going to be trying to make love all night long.

We don't have to go back, though. They just said.

We can't let Tahani and Chidi go to the bad place.

They're our friends.

We literally owe it to them. If they're really our friends, then why aren't they

here with us right now?

Because we ran away.

Are you... Did your brain work, actually?

Do you have a functioning head?

I think he has a good point.

I wouldn't go back for those turkeys.

How can you say that?

Think practically here.

Okay, you go back, you turn yourself in, you get sent to the bad place, and you

never see your friends again. Or, you stay here, you're safe from the bad

place, and you never see your friends again.

It's the same results.

Except if you stay here, you don't get tortured.

But they do!

That's their problem.

Your problem is whether you get tortured.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's my masturbating time.

When isn't it? We're going back.

But... Now!

Can we even make it there in time? I believe so, though it'll be close.

Where's Jason? Heads up. Sorry, Eleanor, but I can't let us leave.

Bortles!

No!

What are you doing, you goon? Trying to blow up the train.

Blowing stuff up got me out of so many jams on her. Let me try again.

Do you have another bottle?

Hi there.

Since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.

Kind of like a last meal. Not like a last meal.

Just the final food you might ever eat.

I'm going to miss these little perks when I'm down in the bad place.

Being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.

That's what you think hell is?

Janet, please.

We have to go. I won't start the train until my husband says it's okay.

I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged a ride-or-die protocol, so I'm loyal to

Jason forever.

Buddy?

Come on.

We gotta go.

I don't want to go to the bad place.

It's scary, like the movie Ratatouille.

What? Yo, I ain't trying to have rats living in my hat and pulling my hair to

get me to do stuff.

I'm scared, too.

We can't just abandon our friends and let them take the fall for us. Sure we

can. It would be so easy to do that. We'd just go back to Mindy's house,

chill out. I'd get used to room temperature beer.

Me and Janet keep trying to solve the problem of how to have sex, which could

take years.

Let's just pretend that we didn't hear the Janet walkie-talkie message.

No. It's time to own up, dude. I spent my whole life acting like Mindy. Me

first, no matter what. And it literally took dying.

and being around a bunch of good people to realize that I was kind of a

nightmare. Why would you like that?

Well, let me tell you about Doug and Donna Shellstrop.

Hey, Dad, just a warning. Mom's gonna be here in a second.

Your mother's coming?

Oh, boy. Hide the silverware.

You mean the silverware you stole from Mom? Yeah, she keeps trying to steal it

back. I drove here as fast as I could. You scored free WrestleMania tickets?

There are no tickets, Mom.

I knew that was the only way I could get you here.

Burn.

Eleanor, just because your father and I are divorced does not mean you can

disrespect me like this, okay? We are a family.

Whose birthday is it? Mine. Are you serious? No way.

BS foul on Chapman. And since you both forgot again, which means you definitely

didn't get me a present again, I got myself something. I just need you to

sign it.

Emancipation papers, honey!

What does emancipation mean?

It means I'll be on my own. All my life I've been taking care of myself and you

guys. I worked two after school jobs because you blew half my college fund

bailing your boyfriend out of jail. So irresponsible.

And you blew the other half trying to frame her boyfriend.

He was so stupid.

He was already guilty, dumbass.

I've been on my own for a while now anyway. And after you sign these papers,

it'll be official.

I won't owe you anything. You won't owe me anything.

Well, if you want me to sign.

Oh, that's a joint. Do you have a pen or a lighter?

You're a really interesting person, Eleanor. We should hang out sometime.

Wow.

Your parents sucked.

Yeah, they did.

And I've been using their crappy parenting as an excuse for my selfish

behavior all my life.

No more.

We know what's right here.

We have to go back.

Ride or die.

Time is up. In preparation for your trip to the

Bad Place, please put on these fedoras.

Oh, no.

Well, no use delaying the inevitable.

We surrender.

Together.

Judy! Tahani! We're back to save your souls!

Real weird vibe in here.

I was definitely expecting some applause.

You're too late.

You missed the cutoff.

But we're here. We came here as fast as we could, and we're here, so... Now

what?

What is the most logical decision?

I made my initial ruling. I established a deadline.

The deadline was missed. Now the original perpetrators are here.

This is exhausting.

I just want to go back to my container of goo and go to sleep.

The bad place is owed to people. In my opinion, which is an objective fact in

this case, in all cases, always and forever, you have all done bad things

since you arrived here.

Therefore, I don't care which two of you go.

You can decide.

You have 30 minutes.