Original subtitles

I see trees of green, red roses too.

I see them bloom.

Hey, ding-dongs. We figured out what's happened here.

You two are both named Eleanor Shellstrop. The day you died, you were

both in Phoenix, Arizona, shopping at the same grocery store.

The real Eleanor was attending a conference on the death penalty, and you

stopped by to pick up food for a local homeless shelter.

And fake Eleanor was there buying margarita mix and a magazine called

Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters.

Incredibly, you both died in the same 10,000th of a second in the same traffic

accident because real Eleanor was trying to save fake Eleanor's life by pushing

you out of the way of the truck.

I guess you really botched that one, eh? I did.

And I am so, so sorry.

It's all good. So, how did you not realize you had the wrong Eleanor? Oh,

we don't know what people look like. Only names and profiles.

On Earth, they're just dots on a map.

Yeah, whatever.

We got our wires crossed. We picked up the wrong dot.

Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh.

Point is, there are two Eleanors.

The nice, boring one is yours. The trash bag is ours. So, trash bag, let's go.

Let's hit it. And also...

I'm still waiting on that smile, gorgeous. Trevor. Where's that smile?

Trevor, how about we negotiate?

Maybe give you something else. What in the world could you have that we would

want? All right, how about a unicorn?

Right? I bet you don't have one of those.

No, that is true.

Might be fun to skin it alive, eat its raw flesh.

Maybe break off the horn, grind it up, snort it. Okay, let's keep talking.

Yeah.

Fake Eleanor.

A word? It's just me, man. You can just say Eleanor. Sorry. It just makes things

easier. Look, I'm not even sure how it would work for you to stay here now that

we know there's a real Eleanor, but in the meantime, stay on your toes. Don't

let Trevor get inside your head.

Can I ask you something?

Why are you helping me?

Well, Chidi made a very good argument on your behalf, but it's more than that. I

truly believe that the good place is where you belong.

You're part of our team.

Hi. You must be the new student, Eleanor Shellstrop. I'm Gloria, the senior class

secretary. Cool.

Welcome to Adobe High, home of the Scorpiotes.

Half the school wanted to be the Scorpions, half wanted to be the

Coyotes, so we compromised.

Why don't I give you a tour after lunch?

Yeah, no thanks, mop top.

Sorry?

Don't need your help. Don't want to sign your yearbook in, like, gel pen.

Don't want to bedazzle our college essays or whatever.

I'm here for, like, six months, and I'm gonna fly solo.

Beat it, Gloria.

She is like such a dork. She like loves this school so much. Why don't you come

sit with us? We'll teach you which guys are cute and which teachers are secretly

pervs. Yeah, that's a hard pass as well. I don't want to get chunky highlights,

make fun of nerds, and steal your mom's flavored vodka. I get your whole mean

girl thing, and I'm all set with it. Thanks.

In fact...

And as a blanket statement for everyone, I don't want to be a part of whatever

little group you've formed because they're all equally lame.

Everybody cool?

Great.

Hey, it was really cool the way you told all those posers all over. No.

Tahani, do you have a moment?

Oh, Michael, of course. Come in.

If I'm going to save fake Eleanor, I need some help negotiating.

I don't even know what to offer.

I mean, what do you get somebody who wants to eat a unicorn?

A unicorn bib.

Yes. No.

No. Unicorn holders. You know, like corn holders, but for unicorns. But perhaps

it would be better if we just move away from the unicorn thing altogether.

No, you're right. You're right. And anyway, there's a bigger problem.

The Bad Place crew, they're all terrible bullies. And they outnumber me.

They even have their own Bad Janet.

I'll show you. Bad Janet?

What?

Bad Janet, where is the nearest cafe?

Oh, um, that's a good question.

It's up your mom's butt, you fat dink.

That's you, Michael.

Okay, that's what you sound like. Do you hear yourself? Do you hear him?

It's, like, gross.

What is wrong with you?

What is even the purpose of a Janet who behaves in such a manner?

Unclear. But the point is, I never have to deal with negative emotion of any

sort. I could use some backup, Tahani.

Oh, Michael, of course. Why don't you just bring them all here? Surely this

magnificent house will placate them.

Oh, thank you. I'll be right... Oh, Tahani, you... You eat junk

food? Oh, uh...

It's my cheat day.

Well, you're already dead, so go nuts, right?

Yes. Well, here's your house.

It's beautiful.

I love Icelandic primitive design.

I kind of wish it had a clown nook. Oh, there it is.

Here's the bedroom.

It's kind of hard to get up on this dumb ledge, though. It's like... You

have... Got to be forking kidding me. Hey, fake Eleanor. We used this same

clown painting to decorate the room you were supposed to live in down there. I

swear to Bieber.

Wait, what was your house like?

Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare.

Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn't know.

But also somehow I had to organize it. And if I didn't remember everyone's

name, I got a very strong electric shock. Yeah, that was my pitch.

And then at night, it was pretty classic torture.

Flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv.

And there was always jazz music playing. Oh, I hate jazz.

Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long.

It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet.

Wrap it up, Elton John.

Famously a piano player.

I don't mean to be a bother, but could I possibly get some water and whatever

food doesn't turn to spiders in your mouth?

Oh! Of course. So sorry. Let's get some dinner. Yeah, we'll all go.

Yeah, perfect double date. Two losers, a trash bag, and a demon.

Let's hit it.

All right, Michael, we're going to ply them with delicious food and drink, and

then we're going to subtly segue into negotiation.

They're sure to be in a good mood. Everything is absolutely beautiful.

This sucks, dude.

Yeah, this food, uh, blows.

Yo, good Janet.

Hi there.

Give me some jalapeno poppers. Sure. Quick question. What is a jalapeno?

Also, what is a poppers? Also, what is jalapeno poppers? Oops. Sorry, guys.

See, in the confusion, Janet got rebooted, so she hasn't quite uploaded

all of the info she usually knows.

That's hilarious.

She's almost as stupid as people.

Oh, hey, now. Come on.

Let's not insult people, please.

Oh, you have such a stiffy for human beings.

I'm Michael. I love idiot humans.

I gotta admit, that does sound like me. I gotta admit, that does sound like me.

Nailed it again.

Go get me a drink.

Yes, of course.

Oh, man.

This is gonna make a primo dump later on.

Well, that looks delicious. What is up? Oh, it's Tom Yung Gong soup.

It reminds me of when I was in Thailand rescuing victims of human trafficking.

Oh, that sounds so good.

I mean, the soup, not the human trafficking. Oh, and I think your

grilled eggplant looks so good.

Should we split these?

Yeah.

I can't believe you thought you could pretend to be real, Eleanor. She's like

a perfect ball of light, and you're like a wet pile of mulch.

Someone made a person out of wet mulch and leaves and, like, dead slugs, and

that's you. Whatever.

It's easy when you're just born perfect.

My parents were both dirtbags who split up when I was eight.

I don't mean to eavesdrop, but did you say your parents got a divorce?

Yeah. Then that kind of thing really changes a person.

I mean, that trauma, it can explain away a lot of behavior.

Oh, of course.

Your parents are still together, I guess. Oh, actually, um, I'm not sure.

Oh,

thank God.

That's awful.

Sorry, scratch.

Still a few gaps in my language acquisition.

Anyway, orphanage burned down, yada, yada, yada. Made my way to America,

yada, yada, yada.

Learned English from watching Seinfeld. Put myself through law school, and here

I am.

Huh. And I'm sorry, what is it you said happened to you? The same thing that

happens to half of all kids in America?

And for you to have gone through all that and to end up where you did, it's

just... It's just amazing.

Oh, man, these horndogs are vibing like mofos. Am I right, Fake Eleanor? Please

stop calling me that.

Oh, you got it, third wheel.

Yeah, that wine's no good. I'm sending it back.

Hey, Janet.

You look sad.

People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.

That was my whole life on Earth.

You know, it doesn't matter if you know things.

All that matters is what's in your heart.

Thanks, Jianyu.

I mean, it does matter if I know things because I'm an informational delivery

system, and I don't have a heart. But thanks.

Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question?

Sure. What are jalapeno poppers?

Oh, I know this one. Okay.

They're deep-fried jalapenos filled with cheese.

One time at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville. The nice one, not the one

above the gas station.

I ate 50 of them in two minutes.

Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.

Got it. Thanks, Giannio.

You're welcome.

Why did you do that?

Because you're the only person here that's nice to me.

Okay.

Anyone up for a little icebreaker?

You know, I once did Trust Falls with Barry Diller, and it was the beginning

of a lifelong friendship.

And then once we trust each other, then we can discuss making a deal for fake

Eleanor. This sucks. How do you guys eat without listening to hardcore porn?

Oh, come on. This is the good place. You can do anything you want. What about

throwing a rager and totally trashing this place?

Ooh, yeah, I'd be into that. We could totally go to town. You know, I actually

don't think that's such a good idea.

Let's party!

Who let the dogs out?

Oh, my God. Who let the dogs out?

So,

um, Chidi tells me that he's teaching you about ethics.

Yeah. Actually, we've had some interesting and in-depth classes. He

taught me about Plato and Socrates' manual plot. Yeah, Cole, shut up. Let's

cut to the chase here, you two go to Pound Town.

Pound Town, bro, you two bang it out. She hopped for teach.

She porked the dork. Come on, girl, dish me them dirty deets. I assure you, our

relationship was teacher-student, nothing more.

Chidi, you don't have to explain anything to me.

Whatever happened before I arrived is none of my business.

Hey, I'd love to see the rest of the neighborhood.

Yes, it's incredible.

There's an amazing library.

There's a beautiful piranha-free lake.

Well, please show me everything.

You ready, Eleanor?

I've seen it all already.

You guys go ahead.

You'd rather be alone with him? Fire in the hole. Watch your heads, ladies.

The dudes tend to boomerang around the room.

Yeah. I mean, I don't need to walk around and nerd out about old books.

I'm good.

Okay.

Hey, a bunch of us are going to go see Spider-Man tonight. Do you want to come?

They made a second Spider-Man?

What is there left to say?

Sure, whatever. I'm in. Cool. Okay, well I'll get tickets for the eight of us and

you can just pay me back in cash.

So you can get all the points on your credit card and the rest of us get

screwed? No way. No, it's just so we can all get tickets before they sell out. Do

you want to buy them?

So you guys can never pay me back and I'll be out like 80 bucks?

Nice try.

I'll buy my own ticket.

The rest of the group can do whatever they want.

Where did she end up?

Thought it with points, baby.

My points.

I think I need to find a new place to live.

Here we go.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Wanna bump?

No, thank you. I don't use cocaine.

Oh, it's not cocaine, idiot. We're snorting time.

Sorry, you're snorting the concept of time.

Yeah, I don't fork you up.

Yo, monk dude, you know how to tap a keg?

Karaoke time!

Dana, baby, what do you want to do?

Okay, a Mussolini speech.

Ooh, the Mel Gibson rant, that's a classic. Classic. Ooh! Let's do the

Nixon tapes.

That's my jam!

What you always have to remember with the Irish is they get mean.

Virtually every Irish I've known gets mean when he drinks.

Michael, tell them to stop.

Oh, I think I made it pretty clear that I don't approve.

Hey, idiot!

Dance. You got it.

It's about damn time that the Jew in America realizes he's an American first

and a Jew second.

i left him on fire and he never spoke again you know maybe i'm not as great as

real eleanor but i'm better than i used to be i'm medium good why haven't you

forkers invented a medium place look i know you've been trying to become a

better person i mean you didn't want to get caught i get it but i read your file

you don't belong here I mean, she spent her weekends breaking up dog-fighting

rigs. You once saw a meter maid writing you a ticket, and you barked like a dog

till she ran away.

You burned every bridge. You cheated on tests. You once said that your greatest

accomplishment was inventing a new kind of high school heavy paddock.

Over-the-pants-mouth stuff.

That was a real game-changer.

I am a fan.

I mean, honestly, you'll be happier in the bad place.

I mean, don't get me wrong. You'll be miserable. We will torture you, but

you'll also be happier because you won't have to keep trying to fit in somewhere

you just don't belong.

I... Let's go.

Okay. Hold on. I have to ask.

Is this thing gonna happen?

You and me?

Ew. No.

Gross. Okay. You know I had to ask, babe.

You know it's true.

You know it's true. Oh, I called it. I called it. Did you guys go to pound

town? Did it happen? Did it happen? Oh, no.

No, we just walked through the sculpture garden reciting our favorite Baudelaire

verses to each other. Oh, shut up.

Um, how did you guys spend your night? Oh, you know, just did a bunch of

Goldschlager shots with this demon.

Well, I'm sure everyone's tired.

I'm happy to sleep on the couch, and real Eleanor, you can have the guest

bedroom. Oh, no, no, I am perfectly fine on the floor. I've been sleeping on hot

nails for so long, it'll be a real treat. Here, I'll take the couch.

Real Eleanor can take the master. No, Trevor took the master. Oh, and he's

naked. Cool.

Bit of an awkward sitch here, so you two lovebirds just do whatever and I'm gonna

go sleep in the bathtub. Oh, that sounds very uncomfortable.

It's cool. You should see some of the places I've passed out drunk. My friend

and I once broke into Charles Barkley's house, tried on all his giant shoes,

woke up in the garage, snuck out through the doggy door, and you know what? The

story actually gets worse from there, so I'm gonna turn in.

Good night.

Good night. Good night.

They're at their stairs now.

Forced to have it.

Oh, Tahani, I'm so sorry.

I will obviously clean all of this up.

I don't care about the house, Michael. I'm just upset that you let them walk

all over you. I know.

They're the only thing in the universe that scares me. I know what I have to

do. I just have to be more accommodating. Offer them everything

they want, give in to all of their demands, and then they'll have to

respect me. No.

You need to stand up for yourself.

I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg right before

he ousted Eduardo Saverin. You are smart, you are capable, and the time has

come to hit... unfriend i also told mark to lose the the you know just facebook

that was me

oh

oh my head here drink

this how am i hung over i thought there were no hangovers here Well, the Bad

Place crew requested that the hangover filter be turned off.

They like them. Ugh, they are the worst.

Yes, they are.

So, Michael said we're meeting at Tahani's place in an hour for a

negotiation session.

We'll walk over together?

You don't have to come, man. I'm good. Just hang out with real Eleanor and

name... constellations after each other or whatever it is nerds do. I'm fine on

my own.

Eleanor, just because we have a new guest in the house doesn't mean I'm not

still going to be there for you.

I'm in this.

We're a team.

So you've been temping for us for a year now and we want to bring you aboard

permanently. We think you'd be a great addition to the team.

Yeah, no.

I'm good.

You're turning it down?

I just don't think I'm really...

One of you guys.

You're all obsessed with this place, man.

Love working here and talking about working here, and you all hang out like

some kind of cult.

We hang out after work because we're friends.

I know.

It's weird.

If this is how you really feel, I think I have to fire you.

Severance pay.

Love it.

Good looking out, boss.

Peace.

You need me to lie to old people and scare them into buying fake allergy

medicine. I get it, man. Which one's my desk?

That one, over there. All you gotta do is hit your minimal sales target every

week. Cool.

And you guys don't have any lame, mandatory office hangouts, right?

Hell no.

Some people go out for a drink after work, and I like to run the occasional

group drill to see how fast we can shred evidence, but that's it.

Most days, you'll be able to avoid even talking to another person here. Perfect.

Happy to be a part of the not team.

It'll be a pleasure not hanging out with you.

All right.

Let's begin negotiations.

Now, we would like to discuss various trades that we could make. Oh, yeah,

we're not negotiating.

See, fake Eleanor and I, we bro'd down pretty hard last night.

We hooked up.

No, we didn't. Yeah, but who are they gonna believe, me or a woman?

Point is, she knows that she doesn't belong here, and she's giving up.

Is this true?

Vic Eleanor, are you giving up? Yeah, of course she is. She knows this place

isn't for her.

Let's go, Ding Dong. Come on.

No. I'm not leaving.

Oh, come on, sweetheart. We've been through this. You know you don't belong

here. You're right.

I don't.

But I want to.

I used to never want to be a part of any group.

But I'm a different person now.

Because of the person who helped me.

And I want to be like him.

I want to be like all the people who are here.

You can, Eleanor.

Thanks, real Eleanor.

And I love that you never call me fake, Eleanor.

You really are great.

Ugh, unless you two are going to make out, shut up.

Look, if you don't come with us, we're going to have to turn this matter over

to Sean.

Oh, oh no.

Uh, Sean, really?

Who's Sean?

He's the wise eternal judge who sits on high.

He has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.

And his name is Sean?

Okay, look, I don't want Sean involved either, so how about you blow us away

with an offer so we can end this?

Okay.

Here's my offer.

You get me. Nothing!

We're not letting fake Eleanor go, and we're not giving you anything.

Get her, Michael!

You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal,

every four-headed flying bear.

They had them down there.

But we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in a good place.

If I'm wrong, you can take her to the bad place and punish her all you want.

Just really go to town on her. Easy, buddy. But she's staying here.

Now, all of you,

Get the fork out of my neighborhood.

You're on borrowed time, fake Eleanor. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Let's roll, dummies.

Let's get one drink for the road. Did you guys hear any of that?

Oh, Michael, really?

Hello, Jianyu.

You got sloppy.

I found your junk food all over the house.

And then last night, you knew how to tap a keg.

So I thought I would come in here and investigate your little meditation den.

And what I found was this.

Now, I don't know who you are, but I do know that you're not a Buddhist

monk.

So let's chat, shall we?