Original subtitles

Eleanor, come on in.

Well, not often you get to confront your greatest failure face to face.

Good to see you too, bud. I am just dumbfounded as to how this happened.

Our system has never made a mistake before. It's just not possible.

And yet here we are.

First things first.

Who are you? Well, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop, and some of the info you had

was right. I mean...

Flattened by boner pill truck after dropping margarita mix in grocery store

parking lot. That's a very me way to die. But all the other info was wrong.

In my defense, when I first arrived and you said, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are

dead and you're in the good place, I had no reason to think that was a mistake.

Location and date of birth, please.

Phoenix, Arizona, October 14th, 1986.

So sorry. That's what I used to tell people when I lied about my age.

I was born in 1982.

You lied so much, you forgot your own birth date.

Not a great start.

But it should be enough for Janet to locate your file.

Janet?

Janet? What's that?

What's that?

What's this?

Her memory's still being rebooted because, oh, you know, someone murdered

her. Janet, could you please locate the file for an Eleanor Shellstrop born in

1982? Yes. Phoenix, Arizona, USA.

Sure.

Anything else?

No. Janet, this is actually a cactus.

This might take a while. Whee!

Since Janet can't retrieve your file, I need to find another way to determine

what kind of person you were.

This is a quick litmus test.

A handful of questions designed to tell whether you were fundamentally good or

bad. Question number one. Did you ever wrongfully slaughter your kinsman's yak?

Oh, sorry. This is the nomadic Mongolian edition.

I need to grab the North American... Yep, there.

Question number one. Did you ever commit a serious crime, such as murder, sexual

harassment, arson, or otherwise?

No.

Did you ever have a vanity license plate, like Mama's BMW, Lexus for Liz,

or Boob Guy?

No. Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?

Ew, no.

Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band

the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

No.

Were you ever a waiter, and when seeing a customer who had eaten all his or her

food, you said sarcastically, guess you hated it?

No. Have you ever used the word hubby or referred to the department store target

as tarjay?

No.

Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?

And socks?

Ew, who would do that?

People who go to the bad place, Eleanor. That's the point. The bad place is every

bit as awful as the good place is good.

And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend

eternity with murderers and arsonists and people who take off their shoes and

socks on commercial airlines.

Janet, can I have a glass of water, please?

Here you go.

Oh, gosh.

You said water?

Yeah. I'm so sorry. There you go.

I really do have sympathy for your situation.

I mean, you thought your soulmate was a good person, and then you learned that

she's just an immoral grifter. Honey, please. Am I wrong?

She lied to everyone.

She caused a giant sinkhole into which poor Glenn fell.

She caused a trash storm. She pretended to be my friend when I really needed

one. And Glenn... Lest we forget, she murdered Janet.

As far as I'm concerned, the sooner she's gone, the better off we'll all be.

I understand that Eleanor violated our trust, but please, when you're talking

to Michael, try to think about what she's had to go through.

All right.

I will.

For you.

But we've been through a lot as well.

You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely

upstaged by my other friend Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé.

And finally, a multi-part question.

Did you ever appear on the American television program The Bachelor or its

companion shows The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise?

Or work on them in any capacity?

Or post on any social media site that you were emotionally invested in

any of the relationships the contestants were pursuing?

No. Okay.

You did very well on the questionnaire, Eleanor.

So far, so good.

Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.

Would you like to see it? Yes, Janet, I would.

But first, is it actually a cactus?

I don't understand.

I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do

you have a cactus?

I have the file. You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus? That is

correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.

Excellent. Please, give me the file. Here you go.

Thank you, Janet. You're welcome.

Well, I say we call it a day. I mean, I nailed the questionnaire, and you're

swimming in cacti.

Can't we just chalk this up to a hilarious mistake and move on?

No, we can't, Eleanor. There's no such thing as a mistake in this realm, and

yet you are somehow a mistake.

I mean, you're a giant chunk of spinach in the teeth of the universe.

I need to understand every facet of this disaster.

Tell me a lie about yourself.

Any lie. I love the opera.

And now a truth.

I love women's MMA.

We don't like to use this.

We've never really had a call for it before you, but in the interest of time,

Eleanor, did you murder Janet?

No, I did not.

Do you know who did?

Yes.

Will you tell me who it was?

No.

I assume it was one of your friends, and I admire you for protecting him or her.

But Eleanor, in a good place, there's no room for bad people or bad actions. So

anyone involved in the murder of Janet will be reviewed and judged.

And there will be consequences.

Tahani, come on in.

Chitty.

Imposter who soiled our paradise with her moral turpitude.

What's up?

Thank you for confessing. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm amazing. Bad news.

Michael knows I didn't kill Janet, which means it's only a matter of time before

he finds out that you did. And that you did it because you were trying to stop

Bonehead Jones over here. Hey, homies. Then he'll figure out that Gianni is

also a phony.

And... Here's the real dongbuster.

Michael said anybody who did anything bad might have to go.

Oh. Which means Janu's gone, you might be gone, and all three of us are royally

forking forked. So now I might get sent to the bad place?

This is terrible. What am I supposed to do if he asks me?

I don't know.

Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks

you if you killed Janet, you should say yes.

On the other hand...

Snitches do get stitches.

That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep. You just

casually cited Immanuel Kant. I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this

might be the proudest day of my life.

No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.

Tahani, I'll get right to the crux of the matter.

Did you murder Janet?

Absolutely not.

Now, you spent a lot of time with Eleanor.

Why do you think that is?

People are just drawn to me. You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say

his name to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting that he

asked me to co-host his TV show, Anderson Cooper 360.

Given what you learned about Eleanor, do you think she deserves to be here?

Well, you know, for up to me, I might find a way to look past her, um,

deficiencies. But it's not up to me, is it?

There are some criteria that she unfortunately just didn't meet in her

time on Earth.

So you think that I should send her to the bad place?

Well, I didn't say that.

But is her staying here unfair to those who earned their place?

It sounds like you want her to leave.

Well, is it not she who wants us to leave her?

Thank you, Tahani. You've been a big help.

Listen up, genius.

He's gonna call you in there in a second. Don't worry.

I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul

and hell to ethics.

And he'll be all, dang, Jean, you just freaked my bean for real.

Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that.

Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.

Like the Osbork?

From Transformers. Sure. Just like the Allspark from Transformers. And you'll

know instantly if you're lying about anything.

So, only smiles and nods. Got it?

Johnny, come on in.

Wise. Sage.

Center, Johnny.

I seek your wisdom in this moment of crisis.

What to do with Eleanor?

Should I let her stay?

Should I send her away?

You think I should send her away?

No, I should let her stay?

Or no, I shouldn't let her stay because she doesn't belong here?

Or no, I shouldn't let her stay even though she does belong here?

Janya, I wish I had your wisdom.

Your devotion to the noble truths has given you something that I don't have.

Clarity. It was Buddha who said, if a man lives a pure life, nothing can

destroy him.

I'm not a man, and I've lived no life.

So will this destroy me?

Ouch.

Oh, of course.

A cactus.

on its own intends no harm. It's only when we interfere that it becomes

dangerous. I need to remember my own agency here.

Oh.

Thank you, John. You're free to go.

Oh. Yes, of course. Help yourself.

I've got plenty of those.

Chidi, come on in.

Hi there.

I have Eleanor's file. Janet, if you hand me a cactus, I swear I will lose my

mind.

Oh, yes! All right, here we go. Eleanor, come back in. Chidi, you stay here.

This file contains a list of every good and bad thing you ever did. It's your

entire life told through a compendium of all of your actions.

Nope. It's a picture of a cactus.

Dozens and dozens and dozens of pictures of the same cactus.

Oh, now wait. Here we go.

Well, it's incomplete, but there appear to be some references to the highest

impact events from your life. That's the biggest positive and negative point

swings. So, little Julie.

Now, who's that?

Julie is my cousin's daughter.

Her mom is kind of a mess, so I used to take her to the mall sometimes and

bought her churro dogs.

It's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros.

And it's tied together with a Slim Jim.

It's an Arizona delicacy. Oh, sounds awful.

But it's very nice that you made that girl happy.

So, what's this?

Cool Threads. Glendale, Arizona's premier T-shirt Emporium. Uh, can we

skip around and circle back? How about I tell you more about those churro dogs?

They came with unlimited ranch dressing. Let's hear about the T-shirts, please.

Okay, I'll tell you, and I'm going to be 100% honest, but it doesn't make me look

great, so don't judge me.

That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.

Okay, to understand this, you have to know about my roommate Madison.

She was terrible.

Hey, Mads.

Um, I have to go to this stupid work party tonight.

Can I borrow your peach dress?

Oh, it's a hard no, babe.

That dress is like twice your salary.

All right, I gotta go to the DMV and pick up my vanity plates.

Ciao, bitches.

Well, that's not great.

But I assume you confessed and paid to fix it. Not exact.

Hey, losers, I'm going out. Can you send me?

Dude, that dress is hella ripped.

What?

Oh, that stupid dry cleaner!

Well, that's the risk you take when you keep your clothes clean. My mom's a

lawyer. Those ass wipes are gonna pay.

She sued for $900 for the dress and $80 million in emotional distress.

The legal fees drove the dry cleaner out of business.

Oh, boy.

Wait.

This story's about T-shirts.

There's more, isn't there?

A little.

Check this out. Somebody put the dry cleaner story online and it went viral.

Madison's famous.

The dress bitch?

Yikes. Serves her right. Madison is psycho. She totally overreacted. This is

her fault. Yeah, her fault.

That works.

You guys, what is happening?

Someone egged my Lexus and I have like 40,000 tweets calling me the dress bitch

over a loser dry cleaner man.

Why is everyone so jealous of me?

This is a trash city full of idiots.

The dress bitch is so catchy. Yeah.

I mean, someone could totally make t-shirts.

Oh.

No, no, no, no.

Do not tell me that you made t-shirts that said that and then sold them for a

profit. I wish I could tell you that, bud.

I really do.

Girl, check it out. They're here.

Wait a second.

Is this insane?

I mean, should we be doing this? Dude, Madison brought this on herself, okay?

She's a nightmare of a person to everybody.

Plus, we already have a ton of pre-orders.

Here is your first cut of The Prophets.

Holy mama!

I can't believe you sold the t-shirt. Does it help if they basically sold

themselves? I think you know it does not.

What did you do with the money?

I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that.

Thanks, babe.

Next question.

Eleanor.

Given what you know about the people who've been brought here, the lives

they've led, do you think you belong in the good place?

No, I don't.

What's up, idiot? Hello, this is Michael, the architect from neighborhood

one, two... Psych! We're not here right now, so leave a message after the beep.

I hate calling these guys.

Hello, uh, this is Michael, the architect from neighbor... Double psych!

We are here! Who dis?

This is Michael, the architect from Good Place neighborhood one, two, three,

five, eight, W.

I'm guessing you've been looking for someone...

Called Eleanor Shellstrop?

She's here. Come and get her.

Hello, Trevor.

Hey, there he is. Good to see you again, Mikey.

Hey, think fast. I brought you something.

Oh, nuts.

Thank you. Oh,

flaming snake.

Ate all the nuts you brought me.

Too nice to humiliate.

Oh, hello.

Hi. You look like a piece of crap. Are you Eleanor?

Dude, you're like a legend in the bad place.

Check this out.

Pretty great, right?

Trevor, do you know what caused this mistake? Because I cannot figure it out.

No, we're stumped. But don't sweat it, champ. She's definitely one of ours. So

we'll just roll on out, and you can get back to putting rainbows up your butt or

whatever you do here, okay?

Let's hit it, sweetheart. We got a long ride.

What? Right now?

Trevor, for decency's sake, let her have some goodbyes.

God, good people are the worst. Okay.

30 minutes. We gotta get back for the bachelor.

I'm gonna be pissed if I miss the rose ceremony.

I just want to say once more, for the record, that this whole good-bad system

is bullshit.

There should be a medium place for people like me who kinda sucked, but in,

like, a fun, chill way.

I agree.

I'm sorry there isn't.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this.

And that I never did laundry.

And that I waited until you were about to do yours, then secretly tossed mine

into the basket to trick you into doing it. You didn't trick me. I repeatedly

asked you to stop.

Just know, you did everything you could to help me.

You're a really good fake soulmate.

What are you guys doing here? Well, we...

I thought it was only proper to see you off. It's the neighborly thing to do.

You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.

I lie.

I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you.

Much as one might be fond of a street cat.

Thanks, Tahani.

Sorry about everything.

I'm really glad we're friends.

Oh, goodbye forever.

Jian Yu.

Jian Yu keeps such a stoic face.

I just hope he sends her off with some sustaining wisdom.

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you walk away.

I really needed to hear that.

Thanks.

Oh, hey, dumb-dumb. You ready to go?

Oh, you must be cheating.

Trying to improve her.

Bold plan, bro.

Bold and stupid.

My favorite combo.

Oh, actually, she learned a great deal in a very short amount of time. Oh,

really? Really?

I don't care.

All right, let's hit it. Oh, also, you should smile more. You have such a

pretty smile.

Love you, babe. Can't wait to torture you.

This is the 318 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no

reason. Now, as soon as you take your seats, we will pull away from the

station and immediately be delayed for 49 minutes and not explain why.

You'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time

you think about how hot it is.

Oops.

You just thought about it.

Michael? Oh, hi, Judy.

Want some pizza?

Bad Place crew delivered 100 of these to my office.

All Hawaiian.

The worst pizza. Michael, I murdered Janet.

I knew about Eleanor from the beginning. I've been trying to help her become a

better person, and when she found out that your retirement meant that you

would be tortured, she immediately tried to find a way to prevent it, which is

why I ended up murdering Janet. The point is, Eleanor is learning.

She's just doing it after she died.

And you did bring her here, so in many ways, this is your fault.

Yes.

John, you actually made that same point.

You did?

Look, I know you only deal in black or white, good or bad, but you said it

yourself. This situation is unprecedented.

I did enjoy her company.

But this is not Little League.

There is no award for most improved player, G.

Well, maybe there should be.

One final note. The dining car is at the very back of the train. It serves only

room temperature Manhattan clam chowder, and also, it's closed.

Okay, here we go.

Stop this train!

Dude, what the fork?

You're not leaving. Not with her.

Not yet. Come on.

Wait, you want to keep her?

Bro, that's our girl. We agreed on this. No, what we agreed on was that this was

a mistake.

Trevor, we're an uncharted territory here. Until we can sort this out, she

stays with us.

All right, fine.

But until this is resolved, we're keeping the other Eleanor.

Fine. What? I'm sorry.

The other Eleanor?

Yeah, the real Eleanor, the one that was supposed to be here but got sent down to

us instead. She's on the train.

Eleanor, come on out!

Hi, everyone. I'm Eleanor Shellstrop.