Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Dude, I'm freaked out about my meeting with Michael, and if I spend one more

second staring at Creepo the Clown, I'm gonna lose it. You name the clowns?

Psycho, Creepo, Crazy Head, Stupid Juggling, Weirdo, Freaky Feet, and

Nightmare George Washington.

One of them has to go.

Oh. Sexy Mailman.

Much better. In five minutes, Michael wants my help investigating what's

making the neighborhood go nuts, which is obviously me. I mean, I did promise I

would help.

What do I do here?

Actually, the answer is... Right here in this easily understandable comic strip.

Nope. In this book about the theory of contractualism. What we owe to each

other. I saw this movie.

Laura Linney cries in a lake house because Jude Law left her for his ex

-wife's ghost.

No. Quick summary of contractualism.

Imagine a group of reasonable people are coming up with the rules for a new

society. Like if your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free?

Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair.

So if you said we should be able to break our promises without any

repercussions, someone would veto that rule. Well, my first rule would be that

no one can veto my rules. Well, that's called tyranny.

and it's generally frowned upon.

If you make a promise to someone, you should do it, just like I promised to

help you, and still am, despite your constant mockery.

Whatever, you love it.

So, either I help him find the problem, which is me, and I'm doomed, or

I don't help him, and then I'm behaving unethically, and the whole world goes

crazy, and I'm caught anyway.

I need to figure out a way to both help him and not help him at the same time.

That's literally not possible.

Oh, really? I once posed as a hot prom date for my cousin, both helping him and

later, according to his therapist, not helping him.

Oh, hey, Eleanor. Thanks for coming in.

Sorry about the mess.

Oh, I forgot. You don't see in nine dimensions.

There's just a lot of... There's a lot of tension in the air right now.

Are you okay, buddy?

You seem kind of stressed.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm fine. Top of my game, actually.

Here, let me just... Have a seat, Eleanor.

There you go.

So, to prepare to meet all of you...

I studied the human concept of friends.

I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends.

Boy, those friends really were friends, weren't they?

Although, and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to

the mind of an eternal being, how did they afford that apartment?

A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.

Yeah, we were all confused about that, too.

And... Why would they be jumping around in a fountain if they also had

umbrellas? I mean, was the fountain full because it had been raining, or were

they testing the durability of the umbrellas?

I don't know, man.

Anyway, the reason why you're here is it's been a tough couple of days.

Right now, I could really use a friend by my side.

Well, you know me.

The person who has audibly promised to help you.

Dude, it's a sweet house.

What'd you pay for it?

600K?

You know, it's considered impolite to ask that question.

Well, I was being polite.

I already zillowed it. I know the price.

So, you need me to house-sit the whole week?

Sounds like somebody's gonna have a sweet vacay. As I told you before, my

mom is very sick.

I'm gonna help her move it to assisted living.

Well... I'm here for you. And your Wi-Fi is way better than my neighbor's, so I'm

in. It's gonna mean taking care of Lester, too.

Walk and feed him twice a day, give him his kidney medicine.

Yeah, got it. Feed his kidneys.

Eleanor. Yeah? This is gonna be a very stressful week for me. I need to know

that I can count on you. I'm not gonna let you down.

I promise.

I will faithfully protect this $680,000 house.

Sashvir, Jessica.

Shopping for lunch? Yep.

He loves to cook, and I love to eat. He loves washing the dishes, I love drying

them. He loves putting them back in the cabinets. I love closing cabinet doors.

Yes, no, I see. Or your cellmates.

It's so wonderful.

Later we're going to the new spa for the couple's treatment.

You should come and bring Jian Yu.

Jian Yu, my love.

How are you?

I am decidedly so.

That's very profound.

Um, soulmate, an idea.

Our neighborhood now features a spa and it offers couples packages, and I

thought maybe we could get facials and do yoga and talk in long, discursive

sentences.

What do you say?

Signs point to yes.

Oh, marvelous.

We'll go today.

Dude, you gotta come with us to the spa.

What? No!

No way.

No, that's really weird. You can't make small talk with her for one day without

being caught. No, I can't. She freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The

Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King. You gotta

help me. Well, if I feel sympathy for anyone, it's Tahani. She's going through

the same thing I am, but she doesn't know it.

Which means maybe I'm obligated to tell her?

Although maybe it's better not to know. Is ignorance bliss or will the painful

truth actually be healing?

You ready, Jianyu? I cannot wait to just relax and talk and chat and just, you

know, get to know each other.

Hey, maybe I'll come too.

Oh, Chidi.

I would love your company. It's just that this is really more of a...

couples thing i know but eleanor's off with michael and john you feels

comfortable when i'm around right made in taiwan yes you were you

were made in taiwan so couples day let's go

i never really looked around your office the first day what is all this

junk well technically architects aren't allowed to own any human objects but

I just love them so much. And over here, look at this.

Aren't paperclips the most amazing things in the world? Yeah, sure.

Anyway, my current theory is that some object in the neighborhood has a design

flaw which is causing everything to go haywire. So, we need to find that

object. We're going to start with the rocks. Now, I've investigated all of the

rocks in the neighborhood.

These 78 are the most suspicious.

Maybe to an architect they might look suspicious, but to me they just look

like rocks, so I'm not sure how I can help. Do any of them look defective?

Sinister? You know, like they're taunting you? Always one step ahead?

You devious little monsters, yeah.

Hello, Janet.

John, you and I are here for the couples package, please. And also, I will...

Be joining them. Great. And who is the other half of your couple? Oh, no, no.

It's just me.

Couples are pairs of people.

Yep. And there is a pair of people, Tahani and John Yoo. And then also I am

here. Great. And who will be joining you?

No one.

It's really quite simple, Janet. They are a couple. And I am a third part of

that couple, a helper part, who is here for fun and excitement.

It's a three-person couple.

Does not compute.

Does not compute.

Does not compute.

I'm just kidding.

I mean, it doesn't compute, but I'm not gonna explode or anything. Right.

Well, I'll see you inside, darling.

Okay, you have to step up. Find a way to connect with her without...

You know, being you. Well, what does that even mean? Do I talk or not talk?

Do I be nice to Tahani, or do I throw all her jewelry in the toilet?

That's the opposite of being nice.

So, no toilet?

Okay, so we have two piles, seemingly fine, where we have placed three

of the rocks, and further examination needed, where we've placed the other 75.

Only 90 minutes in and we've eliminated three rocks. We're making progress.

Although I have to say, I'm a little suspicious of the second one right here.

Could we just move that back into the further examination needed? You need to

chill. A little.

Because you have a very psycho, burnout guy muttering to himself at a library

computer type of vibe. I cannot stop until I find the problem.

It's my responsibility to solve the problem. What else can I do?

Except keep working.

You could stop working.

Look, I promised to help you, and honestly, the way I can help you is to

force you to take a break.

And not working will help me work? Yes!

Recharge the old batteries, I promise.

This is gonna help both of us.

Let's go.

Okay.

Let's keep our eyes peeled for twigs that may have...

A nefarious agenda. Okay, crazy. Come on.

What is it with you and frozen yogurt?

Have you not heard of ice cream?

Oh, sure. But I've come to really like frozen yogurt. There's something so

human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more

of it.

That is very human.

Why do you need a human to be your assistant?

I mean, aren't there more of whatever you are?

well since we're becoming friends like ross and phoebe weird combo to pick but

okay i'm going to tell you a secret usually architects don't live in their

neighborhoods usually the people show up we play the movie janet is there to

answer questions and you're on your own but i had this theory i thought

transition would be easier if the architect were on site for at least the

first thousand years or so That's why you've been so freaked out. Because your

butt is on the line.

Do you have a butt?

Well, I thought I did. Ouch.

No, I'm sorry. It's a great butt. I just... This is weird. Anyway, my boss

thought I was nuts.

And if this neighborhood doesn't work, I am in big trouble.

Just like Chandler and Joey when they left Ross' baby on a bus.

But more importantly...

I promised all of you that you would be safe and happy, and you just don't break

a promise.

Unlike Ross when he promised Emily not to talk to Rachel.

You are really into that show.

You know something?

I feel better already.

Should we get back to work?

The whole point is to stop thinking about work and start having fun. Now,

what should we do first?

This is so interesting.

I mean, there's no point to it. The images on the screen relate to nothing.

Some time passed and then it was over.

That's karaoke.

Let's do it again.

Okay. My hands are heated to the ideal 105 degrees.

Who would like to go first?

Oh, well, what if I go first, and then perhaps Johnny could stand near me and

share some intimate aspects of his life?

Or what if, while Janet massages Tahani, I

massage John Yoo?

Johnny, darling, let's discuss the art.

I adore the Impressionists.

Who's your favorite artist?

I mean, Pitbull changed the game.

Sorry,

I was working the oft-neglected mandible area.

I didn't even want that thing. Why am I trying to win it? Because the machine

says it's a prize.

How many tickets do I get? Six.

Is that all?

Well, watch this.

Is that allowed?

Not really, but it is a time-honored tradition.

Say no more. I got it. I got it.

You know something?

As much as I've always wanted to be around humans, I think I've missed a big

part of what makes them wonderful.

Sometimes all you guys think about is how you can have the most fun.

Exactly!

That was practically my mantra.

What's up, dong bait? Drop everything you're doing.

Rihanna is performing in Vegas.

I got tickets.

We are road-tripping. Oh, I can't!

I promised I'd house-sit one more day, and I have to feed this stupid dog.

I'm sorry, does this dog smoke blunts topless on a yacht like a boss?

Because that's how we redo.

That's a very good point. This is floor seats in Vegas.

For Rihanna, the booze is free there. Do I really need to keep going?

Okay, this is dinner tonight, breakfast tomorrow.

I have an idea.

This is in case of emergency.

Do not eat this unless it's an emergency.

Well, I'm ready to be a mom.

I'm having trouble getting this mask to stick.

Yes, it's because my pores are just so small.

There's no way anything can ever adhere to my skin.

It's a curse, really.

Johnny, what are your...

It was like... It seemed like such an easy question to answer.

Janet, can you show me to the sauna, please?

Dude, she's trying so hard and you're giving her nothing.

Just pick a fact that you know about her and just muddle through.

She said she likes impressionist paintings.

Impressionist paintings?

Okay, say no more.

No, no, no. I definitely feel like I need to say more.

So, would you say I helped you today?

Oh, so much.

I had fun, I didn't think about my problems, and I won this ugly yellow

toddler, which is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

Eleanor, thank you for being a friend.

You're a pal and a confidant.

After you watched Friends, did you also watch Golden Girls? Yes, I did.

They love cheesecake, and one of them loves intercourse.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow, friend.

You sure this is where you want to be right now?

At the tea for two couples cafe?

There's no use avoiding it, Chidi.

I'm alone.

John, you and I have nothing in common.

I just want a soulmate. Someone I can share my passions with. Someone who I

can talk to about the ethereal colors of a Degas.

I love Degas.

I took painting lessons as a kid, and Degas was always my inspiration.

What's your favorite work?

Let's say it on three. Okay.

One, two, three.

The Absinthe Trigger.

Well, at least we both still like Degas.

Yes.

And do you like France as much as I do? Well, they enslaved my country for 300

years, so no.

but they have great museums. Yes.

Welcome to my cafe, you two. We have a special on soulmate muffins, two for the

price of zero.

Everything is free.

Oh, uh, we're not soulmates. We're just, uh, soul friends.

Oh.

Hey, buddy. I have all new fun stuff for us to do today.

Also, you think you didn't do any work? Wait till you see how much work the real

housewives don't do. Eleanor, I have huge news.

Not working actually worked.

It did what now? After our day off with a completely clear head, I realized part

of what makes humans so fun is that they're unpredictable.

The chaos we've been experiencing is exactly what would happen if a resident

behaved unpredictably.

The problem in our neighborhood, it's not a rock or an object.

It's one of the people.

Oh! We need to celebrate. I know. Okay.

Paperclip shower!

So do you think we're looking for a man, or do you think we're looking for two

men? Not sure.

We don't know anything about this person. I mean, does he or she even know

that they caused all these problems?

No, that can't be.

I mean, what kind of monster would wreak havoc and then say nothing?

There are nice monsters.

Like Elmo.

Elmo?

I'm not familiar with that.

Let me just quickly... Oh.

Elmo's delightful.

Uh-oh.

They're overusing him.

He's gotten annoying.

Oh, too bad. Anyway, back to the hunt. So, this is the main place where the

garbage fell from the sky.

Janet. Hi there. I need a list of everyone that was here on garbage duty

during orientation.

Oh.

Eleanor, our criminal is on this very short list. People were flying that day,

too. I'll add everybody who flew overhead.

Oh.

Eleanor, our criminal is on this much longer list.

Oh, hey, homie. Thanks for your advice.

I'm about to give Tahani the best gift ever. Check it.

What?

I mean, what?

She likes impressionist paintings, right? I got her a painting of the best

impressionist of all time, Frank Caliendo.

He can do it all. Fat Al Pacino, Fat Jerry Seinfeld, regular John Madden.

Johnny, I need you to take this oil painting of Frank Caliendo and put it in

a very dark room where no one will ever see it. Perfect. It glows in the dark.

Watch.

Huh?

Forget about it.

Forget about it. Huh?

Okay, so the opening night party won't help us narrow our list because, well,

everyone was there. Right. Everyone was there.

Everyone drank the appropriate amount of alcohol, so that seems like a dead end.

But this is where the sinkhole opened up, and the guest list that night

was limited.

There were a total of 30 people here that night.

Only 30, huh?

How do you pump your fist again?

Is this it? But 66 others passed through to take a look before it opened, and

everyone else in the neighborhood was in a close radius.

Oh, boy, that doesn't narrow it down at all.

Feels like the end of the road.

End of the road, boys to men, karaoke.

Let's go. Don't think about it too much.

Janet, my hoodie, please.

What's happening?

I give up.

I can't help the people I promised that I would help.

I feel like Friends in season eight.

Out of ideas and...

forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense.

I hope the sinkhole opens up again and swallows me whole.

Paula! Hey, girl!

How's the dog?

Still fat, Eleanor. Still fat.

The vet says his stomach expanded to the size of a basketball and that it will

never shrink.

Well, that's not my fault. How was I supposed to know he would literally eat

all of the food? It shouldn't have been an issue.

You were supposed to be there, but you broke your promise as soon as it wasn't

convenient for you. And now I have a very bulbous dog.

Well, you know what? You're rude. Because you didn't even ask me how the

Rihanna concert was.

She was very late and a little drunk.

I promise to help you, and I will, however I can.

If you want to look at a million rocks like a psychopath, I'll be there.

If you want to just lay here and cry in your hoodie, I'm cool with that.

Honestly, I don't know how I can help you, because I'm...

Just a person and you're like this super magical Orville Redenbacher type guy

who? Invented this entire universe, but I'll do my best

I'm right here.

Oh my gosh Of course

How did I not see it Janet I?

Found the answer to the problem call a neighborhood meeting Should it be

festive and casual or moribund and devastating?

Moribund and devastating, please.

Great.

Hello, Lianyu. Judy.

What's this?

I made you a art.

It's three of me.

It's ballerinas painted in the style of the Impressionists.

Of course.

You don't say things, but you do things. And you feel things.

Only my true soulmate could ever give me such a perfect gift. Thank you.

Do you need anything else from me?

No, no. I just want you to stand right there.

What's going on?

Well, I did what you said. I honored my agreement to help Michael find the

problem, and he found... the problem.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Maybe I broke my promise, too. I agreed to help you.

Don't worry.

You did.

After I'm gone, take down the rest of those clown paintings.

But leave up the sexy mailman to remember me by.

Thank you all for your patience with the problems in our neighborhood.

I have finally discovered the cause.

There was one common link among every incident.

And when I figured it out, it was a shock. But there's no escaping it.

The problem is me.

And now I have to leave you forever.