Original subtitles

Good afternoon, Eleanor. What can I get you today?

Whoa, a lot of new flavors.

Michael felt bad about the sinkhole, so he wanted to give you all a little

treat. I recommend full cell phone battery.

Whoa.

It somehow tastes how I felt when my cell phone was fully charged.

Oh, I'm so relaxed.

But they all look good. This might take me a while.

You know what, Gunner? Why don't you go ahead?

Thanks so much, Eleanor. Mm-hmm. What can I get you, Gunner?

Hi, Janet.

Can I have some folded laundry?

Coming up.

Chidi!

You'll never believe it. I was at the frozen yogurt place and I didn't know

what I wanted. So I turned to the guy behind me and I was like, why don't you

go ahead?

Just like that!

Why don't you go ahead?

Oh, okay.

Dude, you don't understand.

I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth. But now, thanks to your good

person lessons, I didn't hold up the line. I didn't even try a dozen samples

I didn't want just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line.

You do that?

No, Chidi.

I used to do that.

Now, I do selfless things without even thinking about it.

I'm getting better.

That's great.

I'm proud of you.

So, where's our yogurt?

Oh, I forgot it. Oh.

Can you go?

I don't want to go all the way back. I ran all the way here. It was so hot.

I mean, I will happily get it because I told you I would.

Good person.

So, to sum up, utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that

causes the most good or pleasure and the least pain and suffering. I like this

one. It's simple.

Ugh! Screw all the other complicated theories. Why didn't you start with this

one? Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of

goodness, then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing

one innocent person to save a hundred or a preemptive war.

Oh, dude, I get it.

It's like I knew this girl Sheila. She was a black market alligator dealer with

a pierced jawbone.

Um, okay, what?

Sheila was gonna get married to my boy Donkey Doug and make a move to Sarasota.

It would have broken up my whole breakdancing crew, and Donkey Doug was

our best poppin' locker.

So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops.

I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.

Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the utilitarian dilemma.

Well done.

Thanks.

Um... All right, yes. Johnny, you. Can I be excused? Tahani's doing a brunch

party, and I want to get there before all the mini waffles run out. Oh, well,

it's a good place. You can get all the mini waffles you want at any time.

So, um, not excused?

Go ahead, man. Yes!

So, you want to roll right into another lesson?

I am revved up to learn, man. My brain is horny. Um, can we take a little

break? I've been standing at this chalkboard all day. Oh, yeah, I get it.

Oh, you could, um, grade my paper I wrote on the concept of dharma.

Six pages. And I didn't even do that thing where I try to make it longer by

starting every sentence with, interestingly.

Sure, I'll do that, and, uh, we can start another lesson.

I hope you're both enjoying this brunch. It's a fabulous jacket.

Oh, you're both so attractive.

Hello, Gianni.

Cyril? Oh, right there.

Chatty today, aren't we? Ah, Donny. I've been working on my Western Hemisphere

brunch banter. Tell me what you think.

That New Yorker article was crazy.

You haven't seen Hamilton?

Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?

Very well done, Michael.

Hi there. We have a Category 55 emergency doomsday crisis.

A category 55 emergency doomsday crisis?

Sorry, what is a category 55 emergency doomsday crisis?

It's nothing. It's a tiny little inconvenience.

Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one could see or

hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?

It appears that the sinkhole is not repairing itself.

This is very bad, Janet.

We have to go into the sinkhole and fix it by hand. Get the tools.

Sorry, can I be of any service?

Ah, Tahani.

Didn't see you there.

No, no, we're just having a slight problem with the enormous sinkhole. Yes,

I meant to tell you. I walked past it last night and I actually saw it get a

little bit bigger.

It got bigger? Ah, well, that's so, so normal. This is the reaction I have when

things are incredibly mundane and expected. I'm going to leave now, at my

regular pace, as I do in most scenarios.

Finally!

Let's get back to it.

Whip out that chalkboard, big boy. Show me what you're working with.

Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some... blankets.

Great. I'll grab my sweater.

Plus, I can practice letting people cut in front of me.

Please, you go ahead.

I respect you.

You're not just an obstacle for me getting what I want. You know, I just

realized that I have blankets, so I'm going to take a nap using the several

blankets that I already have. Good night.

What's wrong? Out with it. I'm just tired. Need a break. No big deal. The

way you're talking to me right now, everything's cool. No big deal. I know

that move.

When I told a boyfriend something was no big deal, it meant anything from I just

bought weed from your nephew to I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend

last year. Things got out of hand and now I'm her bridesmaid. Wow.

Okay, well, in this case, it really is no big deal. Dude, you're hiding

something. What's wrong?

Nothing!

What is wrong?

John, you're second.

Oh, well done, my love.

So where am I?

Eleanor's sixth?

Come on.

I barely made it.

Mummy, I made you this.

It's the pretty bird we saw in the garden.

Thank you, Tahani. It's very competent.

I made a bird as well. I worked in reflective alloy, holding up a mirror to

mankind in its mistreatment of these defenceless animals.

Excellent, Camilla.

I sense the influence of Brancusi and Kapoor.

It seems you're moving out of your structural period and more into

conceptual abstraction.

Good eye, Mother.

I get tired of objective representation.

I trust my audience.

My baby has a hat.

Yes. Well done, Tahani.

What's wrong? Nothing. What's wrong? Nothing. What's wrong? Nothing. What's

wrong? Nothing. What's wrong? Nothing's wrong.

Nothing's wrong.

Would you stop doing that? Okay, fine.

You want to know what's wrong?

You are a full-time job.

I wake up, there's Eleanor.

I spend all day teaching.

Eleanor. And then it's good night, Eleanor. Oh, this is a nice dream. My

grandma's here. Wait, she's got Eleanor's face and tentacles for some

reason. Don't blame me for your weird grandma dreams. That's on you, dude.

And I thought you liked teaching me. So now I'm just some huge burden for you?

Yes, of course you are. I am in paradise. I should be doing paradise

things, like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, reading French

poetry. That's your idea of paradise?

You know, and I can't stop helping you because then I am shirking my ethical

duty. It's an impossible position.

Well, excuse me for trying to stay out of the bad place. You know what? If

you're so stressed from writing on a chalkboard, why don't you just leave?

We can pretend to be soul mates in public, but other than that, we don't

have to see each other. Fine with me. I'll move out right now. Fine.

Good afternoon.

As you all may remember, a sinkhole recently opened up in the town center.

The situation... Sadly, has worsened. Starting right now, no one may go

outside under any circumstances.

Leaving your homes could result in catastrophic damage to you and to the

very fabric of the universe.

Okay, bye.

Or we could both just stay here.

We hope you enjoy your eternal stay in the good place.

Take advantage of our day spa.

Or Janet.

A magical assistant who can get you whatever you want and explore the

grounds on one of our complimentary Pegasons. You might turn that off. It's

been playing on a loop for two days.

The whole neighborhood is offline.

We only get the welcome channel.

I would love to not watch TV, but you canceled school.

What have you done to me, you monster?

Look at all these dishes piling up.

I used to just throw them in the sink and they'd be magically cleaned by

morning. I did that. I cleaned the dishes.

Oh.

Then what's up with these bad boys?

You are unbelievable.

Are you still upset?

You're not over it yet? How can I be over it? We haven't discussed it or even

spoken for days. Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice vacation from

your full-time job. Get your story straight, bro.

Hey, guys, it's Michael.

Hi, Michael. What a lovely surprise.

Oh, I'd love to make small talk. I've been practicing, too. I'm amazing at it.

But I'm in a bit of a rush here. This is Bart and Nina.

They live right next door to the sinkhole, so they obviously need a place

to stay. I was wondering, as my assistant, maybe you could put them up

for a while?

Oh, of course.

Don't think twice. Okay, shouldn't take long.

Between an hour and 11 months, somewhere in there. Okay, bye.

Don't go outside.

We're doomed.

Dude, you need to chill the fork out.

We are living a lie. We are fighting. And one small mistake could blow our

cover and make the whole world go crazy. All we need to do is...

Make a little small talk.

Just say things that aren't lies.

Like, isn't Eleanor super hot?

Or, I'm cheaty. I lost my virginity to a book.

Tea's ready.

Thank you guys so much.

Sorry for the imposition.

Oh, mom.

Oh, well, if you want to know the truth, we asked Michael if we could stay with

you. We are obsessed with your relationship. Always whispering, locking

yourself in the house all day.

I thought I was an expert in true love because of my old job, but...

I have a lot to learn from you guys. Your job? What was your job? I was a

marriage counselor.

You could say I wrote the book on healthy relationships.

And I did.

It's called How to Spot Problems in a Marriage from 100 Miles Away.

Oh, cool. Yeah, really cool.

Cool. Cool.

And what about you, Bart?

My job wasn't nearly as interesting. I started a company that investigated

identity theft.

Analyzing body language, tracking and catching people pretending to be someone

they're not.

Snooze. Am I right?

You know what? Forget this tea.

Who wants too much wine?

Oh!

Hello, everyone, and welcome to day three of our brunch siege.

I stayed up all night to plan a full day of fun activities. Just check the

schedule I made. Honey, you are truly the best.

Yes, you would think so, wouldn't you, Henriette?

To last.

To honey.

This auction threatens to be an embarrassing failure.

5.2 million isn't bad.

It's very middle thermometer.

Your public failure is our public failure. You know what has to be done.

I'm very pleased to announce that there has been an addition to today's docket.

I'm sure you all know my sister, Camilla.

Yeah, Camilla.

Camilla, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford

University. She's a Eurovision award-winning singer-songwriter, a world

-class painter, social activist, sculptor, Olympic gold medalist for

archery, an iconoclast, the BAFTA award winner for her documentary on her.

Ramy award-winning album, and the person voted most likely to be Banksy. So

without further ado, take it away from me. Sorry, I mean take it away, Camilla.

I am auctioning off a lunch date with me.

The bidding shall commence at three million pounds.

Your bidding.

Of course.

It's an hour with Camilla Aljamil.

Five million?

Wow. You guys must really love clowns, huh?

Would two people who didn't love clowns have this many clowns on their walls?

It must be great to live with such a positive person, huh, Chidi?

Well, it's, um, at times, it's a person.

That's my cheaty one glass of wine is totally useless You know what you need

right now dear to get into something more comfortable like one of your

trademark taupe v-neck sweaters You know how strongly I feel about those

You couldn't think of one thing to say? Get your head in the game, man.

They're gonna catch us. This is an extremely precarious situation.

I am vexed. Eleanor. A marriage counselor and a human lie detector isn't

my first choice for company either, but they have no reason to suspect us.

Plus, I think they may have actually just come here to, you know, swing.

I say we do it.

It'll get them to stop asking questions.

I am not going to have sex with someone to get them to stop.

talking to me. Really?

You and I are very different. Yeah, I noticed.

You know what, man?

I have spent every second in this place worried I was gonna get caught, but if

we go down right now, that's on you, okay?

Oh, you spend all your time teaching a charming, awesome lady. How sad for you.

Face it, dude.

I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. Because guess what, Chidi?

You're basic.

Eleanor? Yeah, I know. You want to do that thing where we're arguing and

fighting, but then suddenly it's like, whoa, this is hot, and we start making

out. Dream on!

Or whatever. Fine, let's just do it. No, Eleanor, look.

So how much of that did you hear?

We couldn't hear you, but I am an expert in nonverbal communication, and it is

clear. You are in conflict.

We're not judging you.

This has been a tough couple of weeks. I'm sure the stress of the sinkhole has

caused lots of soulmate squabbles. Yes, that's what it is.

A squabble. We're squabbling. Squabble, squabble. I can help. I'm going to take

your relationship and put it under a microscope and dig and poke and prod

until you are back to soulmate harmony.

Eleanor, why don't you tell me... She never does the dishes. I have to do them

all the time.

We just have different interests.

I like relaxing. He likes getting on my case about the dishes.

I'm getting a lot of repressed anger. I suspected this when I arrived, but now

I'm sure you are hiding something.

What on earth would I be hiding? No, no, no. Not you.

Him.

Please go back inside.

It isn't safe to be out of your home.

Please go back inside.

Janet, could you see what's wrong?

Everything.

Oh.

Goodness, it's even worse than I thought.

Tahani, what are you doing here? Well, everyone else might be okay staying

inside, but I wanted to help, so I brought some cheer and sustenance to

raise your spirits. Look, I made donut holes.

Do you get it?

Donut holes.

Sinkhole.

Funny, no? No. Too soon. By exactly nine days.

Tahani, this sinkhole is incredibly dangerous. If a human gets too close to

it, there can be disastrous side effects.

What? What's happening to me? Ooh, that's one of the side effects.

Janet, knock her out while we still have time, please. Knock me out?

What is that?

Guys,

really, it's no big deal. It's not a big deal. It's nearly always code for

something is wrong.

Boom! That's what I said. I should have been a marriage counselor.

Let's take the positive aspects of this relationship.

Let's focus on that first.

What do you do to make Eleanor feel valued?

I spend every waking moment thinking about her and supporting her.

Beautifully said.

Eleanor, what do you do to support Chidi?

I taught him how to reheat cold pizza with a curling iron.

But this isn't about me or my awesome life hacks. He's hiding something, and

we need to get to the bottom of it. She's right, Chidi.

Out with it. What is so unsatisfying about your soulmate relationship?

Be honest, Chidi. Be, like, the exact right amount of honest so that

we can both be happy.

I never had a soulmate on Earth.

I never even really had a girlfriend that I loved.

And when I got here and Michael said I would finally meet my...

I was so excited, and it isn't... exactly...

what I thought.

You've never had an intense relationship before.

This is all uncharted territory.

No wonder you're so tense.

You know, Nina and I are skilled in the art of massage.

Uh, not erotic massage.

Although it can be, and it often leads there anyway. Okay, well, you know what?

You guys have given us so much to think about, and I think we should go to bed.

Just the two of us, alone.

Just us.

I know it's not the right time, but I told you. You know, after an emotional

breakthrough like that, you guys aren't going to do much sleeping.

Yeah, I know.

We're going to keep our clothes on. I'll sleep on the floor, and we'll maintain a

chilly silence until morning.

Could you imagine?

Well, that's terrifying.

Tahani, wake up, dear.

Oh, Michael.

Did it work?

Did I fix the sinkhole?

Am I a heroine? No, you did something catastrophically stupid and we had to

knock you unconscious.

Why in the world did you go outside?

Because I saw the rankings.

In the manual.

That manual is only meant to be seen by architects and janets. It's got some

very sensitive material, plus some song lyrics I've been working on, and I'd

rather not let people see those until they're finished.

But anyway, why did seeing the rankings unravel you so?

I was so sorry to hear of your parents passing.

Please bear with me as I share their last will and testament.

To Camilla, we have left £68 million, the home in Kensington, their yacht and

other assorted weekend boats.

Well, what did they leave their second favourite child? There's still quite a

lot of money and property that goes to you. There is one issue, however.

They have spelled your name incorrectly in the will.

You've got to be kidding me. It says we bequeath the rest of our estate to

Tahini.

like the source you know what i don't want the money my sister can have it all

my whole life i have lived in your shadow but now i'm going to step out of

it i am going to reach heights of success and sophistication that you can

only dream of your cardigans on inside out i know

It's a new trend that I'm starting. Just one example of how I'm going to step out

of your shadow.

Please wait.

I'm obligated to say one more thing.

Camilla, I'm taken by you.

Your very presence is magnetic.

I may be married and I've never been interested in any woman before, but my

attraction for you goes beyond sexuality.

Though it certainly is deeply sexual.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Come on!

I'm sorry that I looked at the rankings, Michael.

But I just don't understand how I'm so low.

My entire life, I have tried to be extraordinary, but it just never seemed

to be enough.

Ah. And you thought you could increase your ranking by helping us fix the

sinkhole.

Tahani, the point evaluations stop the moment you die.

But also, out of literally billions, you were one of the most remarkable people

on Earth.

You have nothing left to prove to anyone.

Hi there.

The sinkhole has begun to repair itself.

It has?

Could it be? But how? Did I?

Tahani saves the you... No, no, no, still not you. You had nothing to do

with it. We'd better leave and move.

Oh, morning, Jeannie. Michael just lifted the lockdown.

We can all go outside again. Say goodbye to Eleanor for us. Oh, she left you a

note by the dishes.

And if you ever want to come to our house, break out the massage oils and

see what unfolds. Okay.

Great.

Thank you, Nina.

Morning, Teach.

Morning.

What's this about?

Well, here's what I realized.

It's not just that helping me is a full-time job that you feel you have to

do. The real problem is that the more you help me, the greater the chances

that I can stay here, and me staying here means you'll never get a real

soulmate.

I'm basically a utilitarian nightmare.

Every ounce of my happiness leads to a ton of pain for you, so...

Every time the simple fact of my existence starts to bum you out, I want

you to hold this up.

At which point, I will leave you alone for as long as you need.

I know we'll never be soulmates, but we're friends.

So I'm going to help you have the paradise you always wanted.

Side note, I can't believe this is the paradise you always wanted, but get in

this boat and read some boring French poetry.

I've never actually done this before.

This is a theoretical fantasy.

How do you row a boat?

Tell you, it's good as new. Go ahead if you want. Just here. Woo! See? You can

jump up and down on it. Hey, boss.

So you fixed the sinkhole. Yep. Good as new.

Crisis averted. Everybody have a wonderful day because I fixed the

sinkhole. I didn't fix the sinkhole.

Sorry? I tried and I tried, but nothing worked. And then all of a sudden, this

morning, out of the blue, just whoop, it just...

Closed over.

Huh.

How about that?

Well, as your assistant, I officially declare this good news. No, this is

terrible news. I have no idea what caused it, Eleanor, and no idea what

fixed it.

I want you to come to my office first thing in the morning.

You and I are going to find this problem.