Original subtitles

Is this, um... I'm looking for a Miss Gregory.

Uh-huh. Are you?

Yeah, that's me. Oh, cool.

Uh, I'm done.

That was fast.

No.

I'm kidding. Sorry. I'm just kidding. My name is done. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry.

Oh, that's fine. It happens.

Um... What can I do for you?

Oh, right. Yeah, uh, I'm calling on behalf of Macklin Medical.

Oh. Yeah, looks like you owe $667.

Jesus! I already paid!

I explained this to the last...

It's okay.

No, it's not. No, I get that. I get that. But that's why I'm calling.

This is a mistake. You know?

I'm calling to help you.

Really? Yeah.

That's right.

Thank you. I'm here to help you pay what you owe.

Let's go over some options.

Option... Done?

Yes, ma'am.

Absolutely go fuck yourself.

Okie dokie.

Funny joke.

It's been a really, really messed up week.

Seven days of torture, seven days of bitter, and my girlfriend went and

cheated on me.

She's a California dime, but it's time for me to quit her.

Let's go over your options.

I don't want to go over options.

Option one, pay full amount today.

I'm not paying, dickhead. That's what I thought.

Option two, we can put you on a repayment plan.

Okay, that money is going to come out. How about I put you on a refuckment

plan, asshole?

Hey,

Tim. Hi. How you doing?

Are you going to hurt my dad?

$6,000 for a colonoscopy?

How about I shove a finger up your ass and swirl it around?

out of tonight

Hey. Hey.

Hey, man, what's up?

I think there's a portal to hell in your laundry pad.

I can

see why you thought it might be a portal to hell.

Yeah.

I mean, I hate jumping to assumptions as much as the next guy.

Hey, Pete, what does that look like to you?

A portal to hell. Oh.

Thanks, Pete.

Thanks, Pete.

Pete knows his stuff.

He seems great.

I'm done, by the way.

Ed. You know, this is my favorite laundromat. I'm happy to hear it.

Uh, so, should we call somebody?

Or... I can't get shut down.

Owners would kill me.

Everyone's so sensitive after COVID. You know, everything's gotta be safe, safe,

safe. It's just, you know.

Totally.

Can I help? What?

I don't know. Can I help? What if somebody stumbles into it?

You think the mat could be liable?

Or someone could get hurt. But yeah, probably liable too.

Nice.

Morning, Mr. Bob Shank.

Morning,

Mr. Bob Shank.

How are you?

Hey.

How's it going?

How about this weather, huh?

Oh, look out. Caterpillar.

What?

Jesus Christ.

I almost missed her.

It was just a caterpillar.

Well, if I drown her, she'll never be a butterfly.

Are you okay, son?

Why? What the hell?

What? No, I heard yelling last night.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. That might have been work.

How's that going?

It's great.

Sounds pretty fucking shitter to me.

Seeing people at their worst.

There's some bad people.

In my experience, they're all bad people when they owe money.

Not the good ones.

You really think they're just good people and bad people? Two big buckets?

Yes.

It's none of my business.

Life's too short to be miserable.

Well, that reminds me. How's your, um... How's your cancer going?

Still terminal.

It won't be long.

I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up. That's just... Can I... You

know, can I help with... Can I help with it?

Can you kill cancer?

Oh, I don't.

No.

No.

Then no.

Okay. Right.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

It's fine.

I'm not offended.

And even if I was, I'm going to be dead soon from the goddamn cancer. Because of

the cancer.

I'll text you.

Yeah. Uh, maybe.

Did you say a portal to hell?

David Pepperdine, David Pepperdine, Pepperdine, make your mind, David

Pepperdine, make your mind. Hello?

Hello?

Mr. Pepperdine?

Yeah. Hey, it's Don.

Again? I'm calling on behalf of... Didn't I already tell you to fuck off?

Yes! You sure did. You told me that last week.

And it looks like, uh... Dammit.

Fuck it.

Previous seven weeks, you said the same thing. You said, fuck you! And I was

like, I was like, no, but you owe this money still.

Yeah. Uh-huh. I'm following up on those conversations and just seeing if you

have that money that you owe.

You're calling from an LA area code.

What?

I'm in LA.

How's the weather?

Are you honestly dumb enough to use your personal phone?

What are you, freelance?

I'm an independent contractor, actually.

Legally, I don't know.

I'm a bad guy, you understand?

You live alone?

Do I...

I

don't have roommates.

Good. So here's what's gonna happen, Don.

I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Now, I just googled your number, and here's the first address that came up.

5627 Magnolia Anything

new?

Nah.

Hey, you want my number?

Why?

Oh, uh... In case you need help with the... Oh.

No, I'm not really a big texter.

Right.

Why is this even happening?

Why this laundromat?

Why me?

Should we figure it out?

You want to throw something in?

Yeah. Yeah, I do. Do you have something? Yeah.

Have you opened it yet?

God, no. I don't want to hear it.

What? You'll probably be fine, though.

So I think that like we sort of felt the portal out, you know, it knows where we

stand we know where it stands

Should we close it?

That depends.

Are you fucking crazy?

We can't leave it open. Someone could get hurt.

I'm not going near it. You're scared.

I'm not scared.

Then go close it. Just go out from, like, the side. I don't like from the

side. You're the sidelar. I'm a what? You're a sidelar. You come up on

people's sides. What is that?

Is that a thing?

You're real, so it's real.

I think you should just go close. I think you should just go close. Just go

close. You go close.

I would have done it.

I know you would have.

Sorry, why are we doing this?

Rules.

Figure out the portal rules.

Why do we need to know the rules?

Because then we can figure out why is there a portal to hell, what does it

want, and how to get rid of it.

Oh, you want to get rid of it, right?

I mean, it hasn't done anything to me.

What about the people doing laundry?

The people do... You think I could get fired?

It's a portal to hell.

Allegedly. We don't know that for sure.

I'm glad you brought that up, because we don't know what I'm doing.

It does kind of have an orange glow. I think if it was a portal to heaven, it

would be more like blue, white, happy.

The screens are a big giveaway, too.

Could be screams of joy.

Could be.

But if it is a portal to hell and it does do something, I think we should

figure out these rules.

Backup plan. Yeah.

Okay, here's what we got.

It's an alleged portal to hell.

And it can open on its own.

That's it?

Oh, yeah, for now.

What we don't know, is it a one-way?

You know, are things going in?

There's something coming out.

You have two saved messages.

Message one.

Hey, bro. Okay. Just had an idea for the place. What if we got like neon signs

like everywhere?

Because I've been watching a ton of streamers and they have them all over

their walls. It looks so sick because I've been thinking, I've been thinking

like, what if I started streaming again? You know, because I think it's like, you

know, maybe that would be something.

you know for me to do so um you know what it's probably stupid or whatever

but um anyway i know you're busy so just uh just give me a call back whenever um

i'm around so love you okay

You do a lot of laundry, man.

Thanks. That's not a... Yeah, okay, what?

Something came out.

Okay. What is it?

It's software.

Definitely demonic.

Oh, definitely.

I think it's better if I stay with the laundromat.

Are you sure?

Because I'd feel a lot safer if you came with me right now. Well, just in case it

returns, right? Protect the customers.

Customers? I think I'm the only one here.

I mean, you never know, right? Right.

Yeah, I just... I'd really prefer not to be alone, you know?

Okay.

You'll be all right, though. Just go ahead, okay? Just go.

You know, I just don't think it's in here. I know. I think it's out here.

You know?

I think you're right. Just go for it. You got it. I just... I need your help.

You're gonna...

Oh, sugar fuck.

Are you from the portal to hell?

What gave me away?

I'm done.

No, no, my name... Dunn.

Hi, I'm Chip.

What's all this about, Chip?

What, you mean me?

Or, uh, life in general?

The portal.

Oh, the portal. Well, there's a man who lives up the street, and soon he'll be

dead.

Then you're gonna... Drag him to hell?

Okay. Sure. Right.

Yeah, literally.

It's my job.

Wait. What?

It's not Mr. Bobshank, is it?

It is.

That's who I'm here for. How'd you know?

He's the best guy ever.

I agree.

Why is he going to hell?

Well, he hurt someone.

Bad. And he knows it.

He's a good person.

He smokes outside.

He... Nice.

Has plants.

Names all of them. See, that's lovely. He said hello to me four times,

unprompted.

Well, really three. I think one time he was just saying he was done with

something, but I still count it. You should.

He's full of information and advice. He talks to me, even though... He doesn't

want to. I know he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to.

He's tough to crack, but...

It's not hard. What's the point, you know?

He owes a debt.

Can I help him pay it?

You want to make a deal?

Not really.

But,

you know, I don't want to leave Mr. Bobshank high and dry.

Tell you what, give me three souls.

Three.

Three.

Three salts, or Bob Shank will burn, and the world will end. The world's gonna

end too?

If it makes you feel better, sure.

Why not?

Can they be bad people?

I don't give a shit.

I defer to you.

Actually, you know what?

You know that song that goes... La, la, la. Whatever.

La, la, la.

Doesn't matter.

La, la, la.

Oh, well. La, la, la. We're going at it tonight.

Tonight. Yeah, that one. Who sings that?

Oh, shit.

Who's that?

Hot Shell Ray. Hot Shell Ray.

It's been stuck in my head. It's a fucking earworm.

It's a banger.

You throw any of those guys in the portal...

We're good.

Are they bad people?

They're musicians, so yeah, probably.

Right, okay.

Hey, Chip.

Yeah, Dunn?

Why are you doing this?

Giving Mr. Bobshank a second chance.

Eh, why not?

John. What's up, Mr. Popshank?

You got, uh, something on your mind?

No.

Great.

It's okay to do something bad to help someone

good.

Ah, Jesus.

Depends on how good the person is.

Best.

How bad the bad is. The worst.

Does this have anything to do with that portal to hell?

You want my advice?

More than anything, yes.

Find another laundromat.

I like that laundromat.

Let me tell you something that my dad told me.

Words to live by.

Sounds really deep.

Watch your own dick, son.

Sorry, what?

Watch your own dick.

Don't worry about your neighbor's dick, what the guy over there is doing.

We all got our own dick to worry about.

Ladies got their own dicks to worry about.

You can't go around trying to save everybody else's dick, poking your dick

into other dicks' business.

What if...

What if someone's dick is in trouble?

Did they ask you for help?

No. Then watch your own dick.

What if someone's dick doesn't know it needs help?

Are you talking about me?

What? No.

No.

You sure?

Because I swear to fucking God, it sounds like you're talking about me. I'm

not talking about you. Well, if it is me. It's not you. If it is me. It's not

you. You watch your own dick. Okay, yeah, got it.

It's not you.

Watch your own dick!

God, it's so...

I'm

sorry.

I really am.

I can't kill people.

Not even for Mr. Bob Shay.

I'm just not a bad person.

You know, I work in the debt business.

I would imagine it's similar.

And, uh, I'm my own boss.

Not really.

But, you know, sometimes we get bad information.

And maybe that's what this is. Maybe it's a mistake.

Done? One sec.

Yeah, that's me.

What's up?

David. Hey, David.

David Pepperdine?

David Pepperdine?

What are you doing here?

I came here to fuck you up.

Please don't.

Um, it's not safe for you here.

We should get out of here.

What are you doing?

Nothing, but we should go. We ain't going nowhere, man.

Let's go someplace safe and go over your payment options.

I don't know. I... I just feel better.

Like the cancer's eating away at you less quickly.

Hmm.

Fuck. I... I'm sorry.

I should have brought... Look, it's okay. It's okay. It... It is like the...

Like the cancer's eating away at me less quickly.

That's great.

About your cancer.

Um... Did anything happen to you?

A lot of things happened to me.

I mean, I... Are you all there?

I can put you on this payment plan.

12 months.

No interest.

It's gonna be cheaper in the long run.

Um... I promise you that.

Okay. Yeah.

Let's do it. Yeah?

Yeah. It's gonna save me money.

Okay, great. I'll email you right now.

Okay. Thank you. Yep. You too.

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Oh, there you are. I got you. Can you hear me?

David Pepperdine?

No, it's Chip, man.

We met in the alley the other night. The demon. You want to talk to David? No.

No, I don't want to talk to David.

No, talk to David. Here, I'll put him on. No, please don't put him on.

Make it stop!

He'll be fine. He'll be fine. What do you want?

Well, a long-term two more souls. Is that not clear?

I'm just... Call and say congratulations.

For what?

Killing Davey.

I didn't think you had it in you. I saw you. I said, like, this is a good guy.

Definitely not a murderer. That's a big misread.

I'm not a bad guy.

It's fine, buddy. We're demons.

You don't have to lie. Not to me. I'm proud of you. One down, two to go.

It was an accident.

Accident. Accident. Look, I mean... Once you do one, you know, look, it makes no

difference to us after the first one. It's kind of like losing your virginity.

You might as well go nuts.

Sounds great.

We'll follow up with you next week.

All right.

Oh, my God. What happened?

I don't know. I haven't checked the cameras yet.

This portal was fun at first, but... Sorry.

Cameras. Yeah.

That's amazing.

Because then you'll know exactly what happened.

Yeah.

I'll check the security feed once I'm done and just, depending what's on

there, call the cops.

You haven't called them yet?

I can't get shut down, man.

Are we even sure this is blood? Tough to tell.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Gonna try and push me into the portal.

You just did it again!

Okay.

Um... No, I wouldn't...

What

the fuck, man?

Okay, okay. You're right. You're right. Okay, listen, listen, listen, listen.

No, no, no. Okay.

Can we just please go somewhere to talk? Sure.

Just stop trying to push me into the portal to hell.

How was it?

Three people.

Three.

Or one of the members of the band Hot Shell Ray.

Oh.

Who are you trying to save?

It's my neighbor with cancer and the whole planet.

Mr. Bobshank?

You know Mr. Bobshank?

Yeah, he does laundry on Thursdays.

Thursdays? He was like a big businessman back in the day, and he gave all his

money to charity.

I don't know. He's the best. He is the best.

Well, makes sense.

But, you know, I don't know where I'm gonna find two more bad people to throw

in the portal.

Everyone in Los Angeles has been so nice and genuine.

Why don't you have them come to you?

What do you mean?

Yeah.

Catch a predator.

Post some shit. See what monster turns up.

It's really smart.

Right? Like, really smart. Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey.

Why don't you take a seat right over here?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, oh, hey, how you doing? Uh, why don't you take a seat? Hey, why don't

you take a seat right over here? Got your stool right here.

Take a seat. Take a seat.

Just take a seat.

Take a seat right over here. Take a seat.

Take a seat, take a seat, take a seat.

That's such a good idea.

Why don't you take a seat?

Are you done?

Oh, Starman.

What's up, bud?

You, uh... You wanna buy some coke?

Nope.

You cool?

I think so.

I think you're pretty cool, too.

So, uh... Here's my card.

In case you change your mind.

Hey, tell anyone to have sex. Yeah, that's what we're... Well, that's

what... Watch this.

Yeah.

Bring flowers.

I'm classy.

That was really good, but really gross.

Oh, looks like we got a little nimble.

That fast?

Who is it?

Vag Badger, 69.

Bad Badger.

Gross.

Sending our exact address.

And you ever get, um, lonely?

No.

Yeah.

I don't either.

You, um... You like that girl?

What's the girl?

The girl with the hair.

I think she does laundry on Tuesdays.

She seems sad.

The woman from Doobie?

Morgan.

Morgan.

Why do you think she seems sad?

Oh, shit.

He's here.

Oh, shit.

Woman.

Can confirm.

It's a woman.

Badger makes a lot more sense now. Yeah.

Are we, uh... Think so?

No, I don't think so. I think we have to abort.

Why? Because it's a woman.

We can't kill her.

Honestly, man, I think it's more sexist if we don't shove her into the pool to

help. I don't know.

Would you kill a male pedophile?

Okay, right.

Yeah, quality, right.

She's gonna die.

I'm gonna get into position.

Okay. Don't forget to say it.

Oh, no. I'm not gonna...

How are you? I'm done.

Okay. What are you doing here?

What are you doing here, Badge Badger?

6'9". What the fuck?

What the fuck is going on here? And what is wrong with that dryer?

That's not normal.

Why don't you just take a seat?

What?

Yeah.

Up here.

That's crazy.

I do need to apologize about earlier.

I hesitated, you know? And that's just... Nobody dislikes sexism as much

as I do, okay? I just want you to... You know, I'll help you all make mistakes.

Okay, good.

What do we do now?

And then I said it. I said, you heard me, right? Is that why you went?

I was like, would you take a seat?

And then you were like, woof! And then she was like, boom!

Right in there. That was so crazy. Take it.

Really crazy.

You want to grab a beer?

Oh, no, man.

Because I feel like I should maybe go back in there and...

Just clean up the evidence. I think are you sure cuz that one was really clean.

There's like nothing in there It's pretty clean, but I feel like just

better to be safe and sorry, you know, I mean, yeah, okay.

Okay, sure That's fine

Ed is really cool.

Yeah, she's all right.

Hey, you want to talk to Daphne?

Who's Daphne?

Badge Badger 6'9". Oh, no way, man.

I'm not a big pedophile fan.

No, she's not a pedophile.

What did you say?

I mean, she liked him young for sure, but she never went the distance, you

know? Tonight would have been her first.

But she would have done it.

Well, probably, yeah. Or she would have looked that kid in the eye, got the help

she needed, and turned her life around.

Then helped others to do the same.

Saved countless kids.

Some people need to go right up to the edge before they can change.

Definitely would have done one of the two options.

Telling you, 50-50.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, she probably would have done it, man.

She definitely would have. Don't you worry about it. She's a total pedo.

Yeah. She's gross.

Yeah, she's gross, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, she would have done.

Yeah.

You still there?

Yeah, I'm still here.

Hey, Chip.

What do you want?

I want you to get a third soul.

No, I mean like... I mean, I'm sure you've got portals all over,

right? But... What do you want?

What do you want, Dunn?

To save Mr. Bobshank.

No, no, no. I mean you.

Once Mr.

Bobshank is saved, what do you actually want?

I lost someone.

I know.

Someone close.

Yeah.

I never really... Hey, shut the fuck up!

Sorry, Mr. Bob Shank. Sorry, Mr.

Bob Shank. Tell him I'm sorry.

Yeah, I gotta go.

Yeah, I gotta go too. Yeah, me too. Alright, I'll talk to you. Yeah, later.

Hey. You all right, kid?

Yeah.

Sorry. I was just thinking about my dead brother.

Oh.

Well... No, it's... Fuck.

I shouldn't have brought that up. No, um... He just came out with it, huh?

We don't have to talk about it.

It's... It's just, uh...

I'm sorry. It's 8 a.m. I'm sorry.

You're right. I'm sorry.

He killed himself.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Listen, do you think he's in hell?

I mean, um... good people make bad decisions, you know?

It's... Look, I know what you think, but...

Morality is just a push.

What does that even mean?

It... Look.

You take a farm boy who's never heard of fly.

Put him through basic. Put a rifle in his hand.

Tell him that the Viet Cong will destroy everyone he's ever loved.

He's a killer.

And a good guy.

You put a good person in a bad situation,

all it takes is the slightest push.

Were you in Vietnam?

Is there something you want to ask me, son?

No.

Yes, what did you do that was so bad? What did I tell you?

Remember what I told you.

All farm boys are killers.

Not what I said.

No, not that.

All farm boys are killers.

Ed, he's bad.

He's bad.

Yeah, speaking of bad guys, check it.

I'm a good person, okay?

Yeah, but you're a bad man, you know what I mean?

I don't know what you mean.

Never do. You got, like, a dragon deep down in that weird little dungeon of

yours.

Why don't you play your murder video?

Huh? Boot it up.

Oh.

All right, fine. What'd he do?

He sells cocaine.

It's basically a public service.

He cheats on his girlfriend.

She's amazing.

I mean, who doesn't?

Also, how do you even know they're dating?

He spends the night.

He spends the night a lot. It doesn't mean they're dating.

I spend the night with tons of women.

Really? Yeah.

How many?

Tons. Mm-hmm.

It's a pedophile.

What? Really?

100%. How do you know?

Because.

I saw him cheating on his girlfriend.

With a little boy.

Oh, that's fucking awful.

It's terrible.

Um... Okay, fine, yeah. I'll leave the mat open.

You're not gonna help me?

I'm kind of wiped out on throwing people through the portal.

Okay.

Yep. Yo, it's done.

Yeah, I live up right up there by your girlfriend.

Yeah, I see her every day.

Well, what's up, man?

What's up, Rip?

Am I saying that right? Rip? All right. Why don't you rip over here and sell me

some drugs, motherfucker?

Hell yeah.

Yeah, of course I do drugs. Of course I do drugs. Do drugs.

Do drugs.

Of course I do drugs.

I probably sent more shit up my ass than you've ever seen, man.

Hey, Rip.

Who's this?

Is this Rip?

Who's asking?

Oh, hey.

How you doing? Wow, your voice is really clear.

What up?

What are you using?

Oh, yeah. It's the A1000s. I just, yeah.

Okay, hold on. Let me write that down.

They're the best. Yeah?

Yeah.

Wait, who is this?

Oh, this is Dunn.

Dunn who?

Just Dunn. Uh, I live in your girlfriend's apartment building, you

know? And then, uh, we, we met at the, at the, at the burger spot.

Uh, you gave me your drug dealer card. Oh, I did. Yeah. Yeah. I remember you.

You were kind of, uh.

Yeah, that's me.

A sidler. Um, okay. Yeah, I'd like to buy some drugs.

Yeah, sure.

Just the drugs.

A little bit of everything.

A bit of everything, exactly right. That's what I need from you. Hold on,

let me... Is that okay?

Yeah, of course it's all right. Times are fucking tough. Okay, perfect, yeah.

And then can you meet me at the laundromat down the street from the

apartment building for the drugs?

What's wrong with my place? My place is... You know what, man? There's

cameras. They're fucking everywhere, man. And we wouldn't want that, you

know, if we're doing this kind of stuff.

Oh, that's a good call.

Fuck it. Yeah, I'll be there in like an hour.

Yeah, perfect. Yeah, absolutely.

I'll see you there.

Be careful.

What up, buddy?

Hey.

Oh, would you look at that?

Hey. Drug o'clock.

Perfect.

Not a portal to hell.

I'm so sorry. How did you know I was a Satanist?

Is that why you brought me here?

Huh? Be honest.

My jacket gave me away, huh?

Yep.

My god, this is amazing. It's amazing.

How long has it been here?

I don't I don't know we should We should we should go what no way. Yeah, no, you

could you could get hurt. I'm riding a motorcycle It's so and I don't wear a

helmet. Why do you carry out like that?

So people know I ride a motorcycle even while I'm not on it Okay, I'm not afraid

of a little danger I was gonna push you in

I'm probably here to push you in.

Honey, I'm going in whether you push me in or not.

What do you mean? You have the perfect life.

I hate my life, man.

What do I have to live for?

I'm just a coke dealer.

What about Morgan?

To be?

She's whatever.

I see the way you look at her.

I just feel like she should be involved in that decision.

Oh, I'm such a dick.

No, you're not. No, I am. I am.

It was just a mistake.

Maybe it'll be different there.

That's hell.

So? This.

This is hell.

I'm sorry.

I'm not a good guy.

I haven't been for quite some time.

No, no, no, please.

Oh, please don't.

Take care of him for me, okay?

He's talking about his bike.

You have two saved messages.

Message two.

Hey, man. I think I'm going to book a flight for next week. I checked out, you

know, a couple airlines, but it should be fine. Oh, I also checked out a few of

those neon signs, and they're looking like $100 on Amazon, so we can go

wherever we want. You know, kitchen, beer, Kevin's room, Dunn's room, you

know, whatever.

So, yeah.

I'm sure that the new job has been crazy.

You know, you're doing great.

I'm proud of you.

I can't wait to be there, man.

L.A., it's going to be good to see you.

You know, I love you.

I'll talk to you soon.

Hey, Don.

How's it hanging?

You're looking good. Oh, feel good.

The doctor gave me this new pill.

New pill?

And I feel... Fuck, man, I feel 20 years younger.

That's great.

Look great.

Hey, Mr. Gregory, it's Dunn again. I'm following up on your debt you owe to

Macklin Medical.

For fuck's sake.

I blocked your number.

Yeah, well, blocking my number doesn't change the fact that you still owe $667.

I don't have it.

You know, I had to go to the hospital, and those are bills. Are you a good

person?

Shit, I hope so.

I mean, I definitely try to be, you know?

Right.

Are you still there?

I'll take care of it.

It's $700.

Yeah, I know. Don't worry about it.

Really? Are you sure?

Yeah.

Um... Listen, I really hope you feel better.

I got you.

Mr. G, if this is a joke, it sure as shrimp ain't funny.

Hey, uh, where have you been?

I... Uh,

Mr. Donaldson, if you could pay me back, it wouldn't be here in the first place.

No,

that was funny.

I didn't go on one, though.

I know.

Yeah, I mean, we hadn't had that talk yet, but, um...

He spent the night a lot.

Still here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I said one, right? One.

One.

Yeah, Portal's still here.

Quietly, confidently doing Portal shit.

I got three.

What's that, Hal? I got three.

Sorry.

All right, look, man, why don't you, um... Yeah, why don't you just give me

your number, all right? And then I'll just text you if anything changes.

Lost my phone.

Beer.

Beer. Two beers.

Two beers. Three beers. Three. Three.

Three beers, please.

Thank you, my friend.

Hey, buddy.

How are you?

Good, thanks. Good. Good.

It's me.

You got me.

Listen, man.

The last guy that found me didn't work out for him.

You mean Davey?

Chip? Ta-da!

What are you doing here?

I had to make a possession.

I thought I'd fuck two rats with one stick.

What?

You don't have that expression here?

No.

What's with the suit?

It's funny.

Hey, you want to go in the bathroom and fuck?

What the fuck is the matter with you? No, I don't want to fuck.

Why? Because.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

No.

Yeah, no, absolutely. No!

Fucking guy, are you out of your mind? All right, it was just a test you

passed.

Why

are

you here?

Well, I tried calling you, but it just went straight to voicemail.

Threw my phone in a river.

Well, that's the rational thing to do, I suppose.

Listen, man, you got your three.

And I'm really sorry none of them were in Hot Shell Ray, but... Yeah, well, I

think we're all sorry about that.

It didn't take.

What does that mean, it didn't take?

It wasn't enough, I guess.

You guess?

We had a deal, man.

No, we didn't. Yes, we did.

No, no, no. You said, I don't want to make a deal.

I said I didn't want to make a deal, but I didn't want Mr. Bob Sink to die.

Did you sign anything in blood?

Huh? It was a Faustian bargain.

We didn't even shake hands.

No, I didn't.

No.

You didn't.

Listen, I know how hard you worked.

Killing those three people in cold blood.

Chip, you gotta stop saying that. I didn't kill anyone.

So you say.

Come on, buddy. Can't you do anything?

I don't have that kind of power.

What are you, fucked?

Look, I'm not my own boss like you. I wish.

Can't you go to... Lucy?

Yeah. No.

He doesn't make decisions.

What about God?

God's an asshole.

I don't want to give you too big a peek behind the curtain.

But God and the devil, they don't choose.

Then who does?

You do.

You pick where you go.

Well, yeah, sure.

For good or bad, with our actions, we choose. No, not with your actions. With

how you weigh your actions.

And Bob Shank, well, he weighed his sins pretty heavily.

He just needs to forgive himself.

Pretty much.

I thought he would weigh two souls.

Two souls. Three at the most.

Okay, three and a half.

Three and a ginger.

Three and a twin.

It's like this guy.

How many beers do you think it would take for this guy to get drunk?

Two? Three?

Five? Ten?

There's only one way to find out.

That's to start drinking them.

Two. Takes two.

The point is, there were a lot of pricks up at heaven.

Dicks who never looked at themselves in the mirror.

But hell, there's a lot of good guys in hell.

They made mistakes.

They owned up to them.

Like they say, the road to, you know, is paved with good intentions.

But don't beat yourself up about this.

You tried.

You tried. That's more than most people can say.

So that's it?

Yeah.

Unless you want to kill a fourth.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. That would be bananas.

That would be stupid.

finishing what you started.

Hey, you sure you don't want to fuck this guy in the bathroom?

Sure don't want to fuck him. It'll be fun.

No.

All right.

I'm out of here.

You call me, okay?

Don't be a stranger.

I'm always around.

Christ.

What is it?

Hey, Mr. Opshank.

You're looking really healthy.

You want to come in?

Yeah.

What is it?

What did you do?

What did I do?

Yeah.

You did something.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You hurt someone once.

How do you know about that?

I don't. Not really. I just... I just know it happened.

What do you want?

Money?

No.

I want you to forgive yourself.

You... What a fucking unusual thing to say.

Just... Please, just do it.

I can't.

I used to live with this burden.

Guilt.

I'd think about it all day.

All day I'd think about it.

These past few weeks, not so much.

But it's still there. It's still with me.

In the back of my mind, this... this little voice.

That's great.

You know, just... get rid of it.

No, I won't.

I wouldn't be the same without it.

Without the little... the little voice.

But it's smaller.

Smaller isn't cool.

But it's close, man.

Close to what?

I think one more might help.

What? Nothing.

Um... Uh, the place looks nice.

Uh... What are you doing?

Bye, Mr. Bob Shank.

Thanks. What... What are you gonna do?

I need your help.

I'm leaving.

Bob Shane needs one more.

I just... I live here.

Me too.

No.

Like, in the mat, I live here.

Yeah.

Owners don't know.

It's cool.

Not really.

You know, I'm around this thing all the time.

And I just think... I know the longer we're around it, the more we belong in

it.

I don't understand.

What if the portal didn't come here for Bob Shank?

What if it came here for us?

No, we're good.

We're the good guys. Are we? Yeah.

I pushed that girl in.

For what? Because she said something I didn't like on the internet and now I

just go around pretending like she just doesn't exist.

I can't. I can't. I can't keep pretending, man.

Just keep me until tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will be as far away from that thing as possible.

And you should be too.

I can't let him do it.

I know.

Leave.

Need help with something?

Uh, yeah, uh, do you have, uh, duct tape?

And then, like, uh, zip ties?

You know?

And then, like, a blindfold, um... A burlap sack, actually, is what I need.

Like, uh, just to put stuff in. I don't know. Just normal stuff. Like, everyday

stuff that you put in, like, a bag.

Just sack stuff.

There's gotta be, like, a dark color.

Or it doesn't... You just can't see, uh...

i don't people see the stuff in my bag that's yeah i don't want people to see

the stuff that's in the bag like if i was carrying this stuff around the stuff

i'm gonna buy i wouldn't want people to see not for any reason like other than

it's just gotta be you can't see through it aisle six

all that stuff is on aisle six thank

you oh hey um

Chloroform?

Cups and more fucking cups.

Coastal districts.

Fantastic.

No, dude!

Looking for you, man.

What's up, buddy? Where you been?

Just making a drink. All right, Mr. Alchemist. Come on out when you're done.

Everyone's waiting on you. I'm coming, I'm coming.

Hey,

hey, hey.

Bro, come on. No, come on, come on. Come on, it's a vibe. Yeah, and there's

nothing vibier than my guy laying his heart in his music.

Come on, man.

It'd be great. I don't have a pick.

Well, if you don't have a pick, that sounds like an excuse.

So pick another one.

I hate you.

I love you. Guys, he's gonna play.

He's gonna play, okay?

All right.

This is a fan favorite.

It's a fan favorite.

Hey, man.

I thought you were gonna play tonight's night.

Listen, you know I'm not gonna do that. You know I'm not gonna do that. And you

know that I'm gonna continue to ask you to do it until you do, because it's my

birthday tonight. Tonight is the night of my birthday, yes, and I haven't been

late, yes. And everyone showed up. It's great. Look, even the girl that I

haven't been late. I don't wanna play the fucking song, man.

He's gonna play it. Hey, everybody.

Uno, dos, tres.

Maybe he didn't hear it.

Uno, dos, tres.

It's been a really, really messed up week.

Seven days of torture, seven days of bitter, and my girlfriend cheated on me.

Fuck her, man.

She's a California... Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, dude. I can...

I got it, boy.

Stay.

What's up, man?

That chloroform?

You heavy motherfucker.

Stop!

Please, stop!

What is that?

Is that a portal to hell?

Hell yeah.

Why don't you drag me to that?

Can we just chill?

Fuck me. Okay, sorry.

I'm a good person.

Honestly, I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes, but I'm good.

Thanks. Yeah.

They put you up to this?

Who's they?

The Jews who run the music industry.

Okay. Oh, fuck, I knew it.

Come on, man.

Stop!

Hey, Don, what are you doing?

I'm throwing this guy in the portal to hell. What did he do? He's a bad guy.

He's anti-Semitic. He's in a band.

What? Oh.

No, no, no, no, no. Who decides that?

You can't throw people away just because they made a mistake.

That's almost exactly what I've been doing.

in the first one?

Done.

How many?

Oh, God.

Three.

You killed three people? Why would you kill three people?

For you.

I did it for you.

And the world was gonna end.

Maybe. I don't know.

But if I didn't do this, they were going to drag you to hell.

They should have done.

You can't buy forgiveness for what I did.

It's not a transaction.

Yes, it is.

It's three souls or one member of Hot Shell Ray, and you're good. Oh, God.

What the fuck is a hot shell ray? It's actually kind of a funny story. Hey,

bro, would you shut up? Just shut up. Okay, okay.

What am I doing?

The reason that they're going to drag me to hell is

because I deserve it.

And no number of people that you could throw into that machine would change

that.

Do you want to throw him in a little bit? No.

See how you feel? No!

My brother died.

I moved here, and he was going to move in with me.

I lost track.

All day, I called people who fucking hate me.

I couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and call the one person who loves

me.

I didn't know it could help them.

I didn't know.

You didn't make that choice for him.

People grow apart.

Not brothers.

I'm not gonna let you down like I did him, okay? I'm not gonna fail you like I

did him.

I don't love you.

It's like a really strong light.

That's great, Don.

But you need to listen.

Okay, here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to go into that portal.

Because it's where I need to be.

You're going to let him go.

And if he presses charges, you're going to accept it.

for beautiful reasons.

Doesn't mean you're a bad guy.

It does mean that you have work to do.

You owe a debt.

And one day, once that debt is paid,

maybe not tomorrow or the next, maybe a

decade from now,

Forgive yourself.

What if I can't?

Then I'll see you on the other side.

Sorry about all that.

Um, yeah, I need to give you my information, uh, for the cops.

You gotta call them and stuff, so, um, my name's Dunn. I'm kind of busy.

Okay.

Um, alright, yeah, that's fine. I'll, uh, I'll turn myself in. That's what

I'll do. That's what we'll do. I'll turn myself in.

I'll have to answer a bunch of questions and the internet.

Look, I don't want to be a meme, man.

Let's just not see each other again.

I... I tried to throw you into hell.

We all have bad days, man.

Amen. You work here?

Probably.

This is, like, weird.

It's for you.

They said if I gave you the phone, you'd throw me a 20.

Hello?

I'm here.

Yeah, well, I got somebody who wants to talk to you. Not David.

No, no, you want to talk to David? Hey, David! Don't, David.

Hey, David.

Oh, no, he's fine.

He's fine. They're doing a... Oh, my God. Ow!

Oh, that fucker. It's awful. But never mind. He'll be all right.

What do you want, Chip?

Bobby wants to talk.

Doug, you there?

Mr. Bob Shank?

Rip's having the time of his life.

I know you're beating yourself up.

Waiting for the police to show up?

They won't.

This isn't going to make sense at first.

You don't have to worry about us.

We got off easy.

You got it worse.

Because you have to live with it.

Don't do what I did.

Don't pull away from the world.

Don't sit there and replay the same thing in your head all day wishing you

did something different.

It doesn't help anyone.

You don't have time.

You gotta make up for it.

Start small.

Take care of something small.

A plant.

Actually, fuck that. Get a dog.

Get a fucking dog.

Quit your shitty job.

Do what you love.

Do nothing. I don't care.

Make some real friends.

Look out for them.

What's your name?

Lupe? My name's John. Be nice to strangers.

Be nice to servers.

Tip.

For fuck's sake, tip.

And if your better angels desert you, know that your demons never will.

Give yourself a shot, kid.

A second chance is the greatest gift anyone gets.

So earn it.

You think I'll ever be a butterfly?

Oh, fuck no, Dunn. Not at fucking all.

But in time, if you're... If you're sincere, you might be a damn decent

caterpillar.

Yeah. Yeah, well, Mr. Bobshank.

Can I ask you?

What did you do?

One last thing.

Watch your own dick.

I'm done.

Cool.

Do you wanna be my friend?

No.

Hey. Um... Hey.

Uh, Don, right?

Yep. You know my name.

What's up?

Do you need help looking for your dead boyfriend?

I woke up with a strange tattoo.

Not sure how I got it. Not a dollar in my pocket, but it kind of looks just

like you.

Mix was at Galifianakis.

Huh. La, la, la.

Whatever. La, la, la.

Doesn't matter. La, la, la.

Just don't stop. Let's keep the beat bumping. Keep the beat up. Let's drop

the beat down. It's my party. Dance if I want to. We can get crazy. Let it all

out. Just don't stop. Let's keep the beat bumping. Keep the beat up. Let's

drop the beat down.

It's my party. Dance if I want to. We can get crazy. Let it all out. It's you

and me and we're running this town and it's me.