Original subtitles

Okay. This is a good one.

Would you rather be your current height

or three feet tall but you can dunk?

Y'all might want to get outside. There's a car crash out there.

What?

What is going on?!

Oh!

Every bone in my body is broken, and my lungs have popped!

Why, oh, why was I texting my chopped unc

whilst driving under the influence?!

Oh! Oh, no! No--

Oh, snap!

Good morning, Abbott Elementary!

We're here from the Philadelphia Fire Department.

Friends Against Drug Exposure. And the Story Samurai.

And we're here to teach you about fire safety...

Rap about the dangers of drugs...

And improvise about texting and driving.

But safety is not a laughing matter.

Or is it?

It is not.

'Cause it's a... dancin' matter.

What the hell is going on?!

The district combined all the safety presentations

for the year into one day to save money.

Okay, guys. Very good.

Moving inside, guys. Come on.

Alright. So check it.

We're gonna be going classroom to classroom.

And at the end of the day, we'll all meet back up here

and recap what we learned about safety.

Now, Abbott, you are no strangers

to having firemen around here.

So nice to see Captain Robinson.

Especially when it's not my fault.

I just can't believe he's this awake.

We were up till 4:00 in the morning.

Barbara, don't you want to know why we were up till 4:00--

I have my own sleep issues to deal with, thank you.

I've been taking this new miracle pill named melatonin.

And while it has been helping me sleep,

it has been giving me the most vivid dreams

that I cannot make sense of.

I think I'm trying to tell me something.

Principal Coleman will choose a teacher

to expire in a texting- and-driving accident.

They cannot talk for the rest of the day,

not even to other adults.

There is no other way to teach you this lesson.

I feel like there is. Yeah.

This feels dark for an elementary school.

It absolutely is.

But unfortunately, because of budget cuts,

all elementary, middle, and high schools

now get the same presentation.

So, Ms. Coleman,

what teacher do you choose to stalk these halls,

bummin' everyone out?

So one of y'all got to pretend to be Mr. C all day?

You know, you can choose another teacher

to make fun of sometimes.

Well, I hope you're okay with those being your last words,

because you're done.

I choose Gregory.

I didn't do anything. No talking!

You dead.

Because texting "LMAOOO"

was more important than watching the road.

FYI-- You also hit a horse.

Oh, Gregory. Well, I...

Put this on.

Suddenly, I'm sailing,

and Gerald is a baby strapped to the mast,

and the rudder won't work. Bor-ing!

No dream talk in the teachers' lounge, Barb.

Yeah. This is where dreams go to die.

Well, I certainly didn't expect this news today.

Okay. Well, hold on, now.

Babies mean rebirth.

So am I at a rebirth?

Is Gerald at a rebirth?

Or do we need a new car?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

It's no one's birthday. I just needed your attention.

Look at this.

Hiya. I'm Tina Schwartz,

running for West Philly's 51st District

Board of School Commissioners Lie-a-son Representative.

W-What's lie-a-son?

It's "liaison." She doesn't even know the position's name.

Wait a minute. Isn't that that former Abbott teacher

that kicked a student? Exactly.

I'm Tina Schwartz,

and I approve of your approval for this message.

She's completely unqualified!

I mean, can you believe this?

No, I can't.

How'd you find something I care even less about

than Barb's dream?

Barb, Melissa, care to weigh in

on this miscarriage of democracy?

Jacob, I have never even heard of the board of--

the-- the board of the commissioners of--

Whatever the heck it is. 51st District,

which is exactly us and three other schools.

No one cares about this position, hon.

Well, Mr. J, it looks like it's up to us

to, uh, stop this villainess takeover--

No time for our usual shenanigans, Jacob.

Gregory drove his car into a horse, and I got to sub.

Janine will know what to do.

Oh, but she's in mourning.

Oh. Wait. But that's not real.

That's a great question.

If I had to put it into words, I'd probably say...

Okay. If you don't get up there and start your presentation,

I'm gonna set myself on fire.

Please don't. This school is so flammable. Hm.

Plus, it wouldn't reflect very well

on the Philadelphia Fire Department's

newest battalion chief.

Newest what, now?

Getting a promotion. I found out this morning.

Won't be official until the swearing-in,

but if you wanted to start calling me Chief Robinson?

Yeah, that'd turn me on quite a bit.

So you're gonna be a... a suit?

Well, no. It's a tucked-in shirt.

But on Fridays, I can go Hawaiian.

No more climbing ladders

to pull kitties out of trees or anything?

Hey. Cats get themselves into those messes,

they can get themselves out.

So I thought to celebrate I'd get a bottle of champagne

and reactivate my HBO Max account for the month.

Yeah. No. That sounds great.

Alright. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what Molly felt like the first time.

Every time after that, though, it's been...

I'd better get up there. Okay.

Thank you, Slimothy.

Yeah, for that. Thank you.

It's good to know we've finally won the war on drugs.

Okay, everybody. Take out your homework.

We're gonna go over the stuff that we were talking about-- Uh, uh!

Why are you talking? You killed a horse.

Alright, class.

Now that Mr. Eddie is Mr. Deadie,

Mr. Johnson will be taking over.

Ava, I think that's-- Uh, uh!

Mr. Eddie is breaking the rules!

Now, I hate to speak ill of the deceased,

but everything that jabroni was teaching you is trash.

Alright, class. You're in good hands.

Janine! Yeah.

Did you see that campaign video I sent?

Yes. Got my vote.

What? Did you even click the link?

No.

Well, that maniac Tina Schwartz

is running for district liaison.

Look. Look at her Facebook post about it.

Oh, my God. She is still updating her status.

What a sicko. Yeah, but look at her platform.

She thinks we don't need a consensus clause.

What the hell is that? I think I know.

But look. It says she's hosting a town hall over lunch.

Maybe you could go.

Oh, my God. Yes.

All I have to do is inform the electorate of her incompetence

and her campaign will sink itself.

Whew! Okay. I feel better already. Mm-hmm.

Democracy has never been more alive!

Thank you, Captain Robinson.

Thanks, guys.

Okay.

Yes. Quick follow-up.

What does it mean in a dream if you are on fire but cold?

Sorry, Barb. You're on your own.

Hey there, honey bear.

Hey, I got to go to the next presentation,

but, uh, how about I grill us up some steaks

to go with our bubbly tonight? Oh.

Are you sure you're still allowed

that close to an open flame?

Well, I can tell you this much.

Captain Robinson grilled flank steaks.

Chief Robinson grills rib eyes.

Ooh! What time should Gerald and I join you?

Okay. Just kidding. Barb...

I'd invite you. Let me know!

Melissa, that man is a treasure.

He's got star power, safety know-how,

and he is absolutely smitten with you.

Yeah. I'm gonna dump him.

Okay. You're gonna dump who exactly?

Because I know it's not that fine fireman

who is in love with you.

Barb, he got that promotion.

He's basically gonna be a fire accountant.

Melissa, you can't really be upset at the man

for getting a promotion.

No. I'm happy for him. But what's he gonna do?

He's gonna sit at a desk, do a bunch of paperwork,

teach people?

What the hell kind of life is that?

Okay.

Before you extinguish that fire,

you better make sure it's dying down the way you think.

Come on. Talk to the man.

You two have been together a long time.

Yeah. You're right. I owe him that. Yes.

That's good advice. Thanks, Barb.

You're welcome.

A coyote gave it to me in a dream.

Mm-hmm.

Alright, class.

Whoa.

Hey, Jacob Hill from Abbott!

Oh, wow! Gosh!

Oh! It's good to see you.

Have a cookie. Heck, take a couple.

I took them from our break room. They're from Monday.

It's Friday. It is.

Uh, where-- where is everybody?

Why aren't issues being discussed and/or debated?

Um, since I'm running unopposed,

this is technically a formality.

Or... no. Formally a technicality.

Well, if you don't mind,

I have a few questions about your platform.

Platform?

Making me sound like an influencer.

Yes! Okay.

What are your election questions, fine sir?

What is your stance on the consensus clause?

The Tim Allen movie?

I'm not really into body horror.

What do you think about the current

student-to-crossing-guard ratio?

That's a trick question. I don't see ratio.

Okay. And, um, yeah, just one more.

Uh, do you even know what the 51st District

Board of School Commissioners Liaison Representative

even does? And how are you pronouncing that?

Yeah. Why are you even running for this?

It seems like you don't care about it at all.

All my friends have kids now,

so I need something to fill my time.

This was fun, you little grillmaster.

If no one else in the audience has any questions, though?

Yeah. Then I think it's a pretty good time to call it.

Lots to think about.

It's great to see you!

Vote for me!

I'm not gonna lie to you.

None of your names have great SEO.

Knock, knock.

Howdy, y'all.

So, I know this class has been through a lot today.

So are we ready to talk about how improv can solve everything?

Hey. Gregory, I need to talk to you.

It's very important.

Okay. Settle a debate me and the second graders are having.

Would you rather be a normal human being

or you have superpowers

but you always have to go to the bathroom?

The kids are saying--

Random reminder, Abbott.

Speaking to Mr. Eddie is strictly off limits today

because of the bad choices he made.

Thank you! I thought she said she took the cameras out of here.

She's right! Stop talking to him!

Sorry.

...unless the scene calls for them. Now...

Mr. Eddie, what happens when people die for real?

Okay.

Yeah. I'm actually not mad at this.

I don't have to answer any wild questions from the kids.

I mean, where was Safety Day

when Meera asked me what a BBL was?

Gregory!

I went to Tina Schwartz's town hall.

She wasn't prepared for a single question.

Tell me, when you picture the 51st District

Board of School Commissioners Liaison Representative,

do you picture her?

Right. You can't talk.

But you can listen.

If someone would just run against her, they would win.

Easy.

My God. Of course.

Why can't I be the one who...

asks Janine to run?

Great idea, Gregory!

Hey, while I've got you, settle in.

Elijah and I got into another fight about ethical shrimping.

This is actually so bad.

Hey. There's my little firecracker.

Feels like I've barely seen you all day.

You hiding from me? I was just thinking.

This promotion, that's, like, something you want?

That's a done deal or...

Do you not want me to be promoted?

No. I'm just-- You have such a good thing going now.

Like, you-- you really-- You're helping people.

And you ride around the greatest city in the world

on top of 50,000 pounds of shiny red metal,

swingin' ax... haulin' hose.

Alright. Careful. There's kids here.

I'm just saying.

Why would you want to give that up?

For what? Signing paychecks?

Shh!

That is a very small part of the job.

I'm gonna be assisting

in organizing the city's emergency response teams.

Are you listening to yourself?

You want to be an assistant organizer?

Why would you want that? The danger would be gone.

Yeah, exactly.

Would you prefer I kept the more dangerous,

lower-paying job with worse hours?

Of course! Y'all! This is a library.

I shouldn't have to tell this to a teacher and a fireman.

I really thought you'd be happy about this.

I'm not sure what the problem is.

The problem is that I didn't sign up to be with a...

desk jockey.

Come on, my class. Let's go.

Hey, Ava! How's your day?

Fine. Well, that's a relief.

Because I'm having such a hard time not talking to Gregory.

We normally check in with each other throughout the day,

but now I have no idea if he enjoyed his lunch or not.

Hm.

I also asked him a really hard "Would you rather?"

I have no idea which he'd rather.

It really goes to show you, you know?

One day you're driving, and the next day you hit a horse.

Hold that thought.

Tragic news, Abbott Elementary.

Another Safety Day accident.

Ms. Teagues was texting and driving,

and her car caught on fire while on the way to improv.

And now she's gone.

No, kids. I'm here, and I'm alive.

She was also doing drugs. Those were her last words.

Hey.

How'd the talk go with Captain Robinson?

I don't think he gets why I don't want him

to take the promotion. Honestly, neither do I.

Captain Robinson getting this promotion

doesn't seem like it would change your life at all.

Maybe not directly, but, Barb,

what if he wants me to slow down?

'Cause that ain't happening, Barb.

I've lived a life of craziness,

and that crazy ain't stopping any time soon.

And what about your lifestyle is gonna change

because of this man's promotion?

He's not gonna smell like burning buildings anymore.

Should I get him to start smoking?

Melissa... No.

...it seems to me that you are more concerned

about your own future than you are his.

Maybe.

Mm-hmm.

And now that I've helped you, it's your turn to help me.

Why would I be dreaming of a volcano filled with milk?

Barb, that's a sex dream.

But...

Gang gang.

Chat's low key goin' off right now.

Smile, homes. It's selfie time.

And freeze.

Okay.

Now, using what we learned today,

who spotted how my bro Harold messed up?

Anyone? Janine!

Come on, y'all.

Just the champion the 51st District's been waiting for.

Gregory and I had an amazing convo earlier, and we think

that you should challenge Ms. Schwartz for office.

...open the floor to questions.

Why not? Look.

I know you are not the hero we deserve,

but you are the hero we need.

Dang. And it's been buggin' me all day, too.

Okay. Ah! K-- Da-da-da!

No talking!

Now, you were saying fire is bad.

Even though something that is "fire" is really good?

Say more.

I don't know how I would.

Ava, please revive my friends. No.

They made the choice to text and drive.

They were probably texting you.

Okay, you joke,

but now I'm gonna have to process that hypothetical guilt.

As 51st District members, what are we gonna do?

I mean, could you imagine the damage that could happen

if we let an unqualified lunatic into a position of power?

Well, it's working out okay for this school.

Other places, not so much.

Somebody has got to challenge her.

Why don't you do it?

Wait. Are you mocking me,

or do you really think I could do it?

Do what? Aha. You test my resolve.

But maybe it could be me.

I mean, I do prefer grassroots, localized elections over state

and-- hell, I'll say it-- even federal politics.

Okay. I'm gonna do it.

I have a campaign video to record.

Fellow teachers of the 51st District,

my name is Jacob Hill, and I am asking for your vote

for District Board of School Commissioners

Liaison Representative.

If little Jacob could see me now, he would be thrilled.

And then he'd be like, "We're gay?

Do we have a boyfriend? Is he hot? Tell me everything."

And I'd be like, "Oh, my God, he's hot.

You have no idea how hot he is," and then...

So that's a long way of saying no,

texting while doing drugs isn't technically illegal--

Well, the drugs part absolutely is.

In fact, and I know this isn't my section...

Where have you been, Janine?

I have been looking for somebody,

anybody, to help me with my dreams.

Okay. So, now, what does it mean

if your teeth are falling out of my mouth?

Well, first of all, Barb--

Ah! Da-da-da-da! Lady, please!

I'm-- I'm trying to do something here!

Why don't you go sit

with the other irresponsible teacher in the back?

Life is random as hell.

I have a friend who died when a helicopter landed on his head.

Is it possible you maybe hallucinated this situation

while under the influence of drugs?

No. I know what I saw.

Yo. Captain.

Hey. Come on.

Hey, hey, hey. Slow down. Slow down.

Who, me? Yeah.

I thought me slowing down was creeping you out, Melissa.

Listen. I'm sorry I was weird about the promotion, okay?

It's just, you and me, we're fun.

I never know what we're gonna get up to next.

That's what I love about us.

You know, I just-- I don't want that to change.

My crazy ass ain't changing.

It's just gonna be in a better chair, making more money...

that I was thinking about blowing on a Harley.

Really? Yeah, really.

What do you think this is for? Oh, yeah. Okay. Hell, yeah.

I look great taking my helmet off.

You look great doing everything.

Congratulations on your promotion.

I'm really proud of you.

And I should have led with that... Chief.

You're nuts. You know that?

Yeah. Now you're getting it.

Eventually, I am flying over

what seems to be the Divine Lorraine building,

but different.

And then I wake up.

You said flying? Yes.

Uh, yeah. That sounds like a little more than melatonin.

Yeah, but I thought that with your studies in hallucinations

that you might be able to help me understand what it means.

I actually got to go. Yeah. But--

I got somewhere to be at 4:20, so...

Ms. Howard, you were flying?

Yes. In a dream.

Which is something that nobody wants to hear about.

We want to hear about it.

Really?

Okay. Let me... set the scene.

So I am free-falling and have been for 20, 30 minutes.

And I don't know what it means.

Maybe you're worried you're gonna fall off the bed.

It--

Wow.

Can I run another one by you?

Circles and X's?

They're probably gonna know about...

Oh, no.

Schwartz? I thought you were under a conservatorship.

Not anymore.

I came down because I saw that campaign video

that you posted on the district website.

And I just wanted to tell you that you screwed up,

because it says that you're running for that thing

that I'm running for.

Well, the only thing screwed up is your election chances.

I am running against you for 51st District

Board of School Commissioners Liaison Representative.

Ew. Who told you to do that?

Good for you, Jacob.

Hey. Why?

Because you are completely unqualified for the position.

Who cares? Me!

And I cannot in good conscience

let you take that seat without a fair fight.

Well, then good luck, chump.

Because I always get into fights at the fair.

That's...

She looks great.

Getting out of this school

was the best thing that ever happened to her.

Jacob, I am very proud of you,

even though, sweetheart, I have no idea what that position is.

Where have you been all day?

He's running for mayor of Area 51.

And he's probably gonna be assassinated for it.

Mm-kay.

Okay.

Pshoo!

Alright. Done for the day.

I can get those pinnies back, and you can talk now--

not that you ever stopped.

Actually, I think we're okay being silent. Just--

Whoo! Damn!

Okay. I've been waiting to answer

that "Would you rather" all day.

If I had to go to the bathroom all the time

but I was a superhero, one,

how badly do I need to go?

And two, is it number one or number two?

Uh, hmm.

Also, you've been wearing mismatched socks.

Oh, no. Those were on purpose.

Oh, my goodness. These are the wrong socks.

You still here?

I just need to get the other--

Shh.

Wow.

Okay. Number one but with the threat of two.

I've been there.