Original subtitles

- WENDELL, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON AN ADVENTURE TO ENCINO?

- WHAT'S IN ENCINO? - MY DENTIST.

I THOUGHT WE COULD SHARE SOME QUALITY TIME,

YOU KNOW, IN THE CARPOOL LANE.

- NO, NO, NO, WENDELL IS NOT

GONNA BE YOUR RIDE SHARE MONKEY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BLOW-UP PASSENGER?

- I LEFT HIM OUT IN THE SUN, AND HE SPLIT.

- WOW.

EVEN YOUR INFLATABLE MEN DO THAT.

ANYWAY, WENDELL'S GOT A BIG MEETING TODAY.

- YEAH, I'M HEAD OF THE SCHOOL DANCE COMMITTEE.

- OH, THAT'S GREAT. - YEAH.

I MADE A SOLEMN PROMISE THAT I WOULD ACHIEVE SOMETHING

THAT'S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE IN A MIDDLE SCHOOL.

- A WEDGIE-FREE EVENING.

- NO, A MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE WHERE EVERYBODY ACTUALLY DANCES.

- AND I'M GONNA CHAPERONE.

I'VE BEEN PRACTICING. NO! UH-UH.

NO. HEY, WATCH IT, FOOTLOOSE.

SHE'S NOT A CARNIVAL RIDE.

- HEY. - OH, I WANT TO CHAPERONE, TOO.

I WANT TO GO TO YOUR FIRST DANCE.

- OH, FIRST DANCE. I LOVED MY SCHOOL DANCES.

- OF COURSE YOU DID. LET ME GUESS.

YOU WENT TO THREE PROMS.

- THREE PROMS SOPHOMORE YEAR, SEVEN TOTAL,

HOMECOMING QUEEN TWICE,

ONCE AT A SCHOOL I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO,

BUT WHO REMEMBERS?

- I'M NOT INTERESTED IN HEARING ABOUT

WHEN YOU PEAKED AS A PERSON.

- [scoffs]

THAT'S THE KIND OF STUFF I USED TO HEAR

FROM GIRLS WHO NEVER GOT ASKED TO--

HEY, HOW LONG HAS THAT SPACESHIP BEEN THERE?

- YOU LIKE SPACESHIPS?

I CAN TAKE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK

WITHOUT A SPACESHIP, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

NOT REALLY. I'D NEED A SPACESHIP.

THE POINT IS, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO REPOPULATE THE EARTH

WHEN WE GET BACK, SO...

- UNCLE VINNIE, WE GOT TO GO.

- HANG ON, I'M NOT DONE CHARMING HER.

ALL RIGHT, I'M DONE.

[quirky brass music]

*

- * I NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * I NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * SO WAIT A MINUTE

* HEY

* I NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- WHO'S THE PARENT SUPERVISOR FOR THIS THING?

- MR. COLDFOOT.

- CALVIN COLDFOOT?

THAT GUY'S SO WEIRD!

- THAT GUY'S STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU, FABIO.

- CALVIN, BUDDY.

UH, WENDELL'S AUNT WILMA WAS WONDERING

IF THERE ARE ANY CHAPERONE SLOTS STILL OPEN.

- NOPE, ALL FULL.

JUST GAVE THE LAST SPOT TO THE NEW MOM OLIVIA JAFFIN.

[SIGHS] THE SECOND I NOTICED HER,

I SAW OUR FUTURE TOGETHER.

STARING AT HER ACROSS THE ROOM...

- AND? - THAT'S IT.

- OLIVIA JAFFIN.

I WONDER IF THAT'S THE SAME OLIVIA JAFFIN

I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH.

SHE WAS WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE, THOUGH.

THIS ONE TIME I TRIED TO SPEAK WITH HER,

ALL THAT CAME OUT WAS THIS WEIRD SQUEAKY SOUND.

- VINNIE BASSETT, IS THAT YOU?

- [squeaks]

HI.

- I HAVE A COMMITTEE TO CHAIR.

- IS THAT YOUR SON?

- NEPHEW, WENDELL.

I GOT CUSTODY. YOU?

- I DO HAVE A SEVENTH GRADER, MATILDA. SHE'S A HANDFUL.

- OH, WELL, IS THERE A MR. SHE SHE'S-A-HANDFUL?

- NO, NO, JUST GOT THROUGH A PRETTY PAINFUL DIVORCE.

- [squeaks]

THAT'S TOO BAD.

- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LET'S GET STARTED.

UH, WENDELL BASSETT WILL BE DO--

- THANK YOU, MR. COLDFOOT.

I AM VERY EXCITED

TO ANNOUNCE THE THEME FOR THIS YEAR'S SCHOOL DANCE.

- OH, I ALREADY PICKED A THEME FOR YOU: "UNDER THE SEA."

WE CAN USE THAT BIG STUFFED FISH FROM LAST YEAR.

- BUT I THOUGHT THE STUDENTS GOT TO CHOOSE THE THEME.

- THE PTA AND SCHOOL BOARD HAVE FINAL APPROVAL SINCE 2011.

I THINK WE ALL REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WITH

BOOTY-LICIOUS BOOM BOOM, JIM.

- WELL, I PROPOSE THIS.

"FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES: A VAMPIRE DANCE."

- ARE YOU SURE?

IT'S A PRETTY GREAT FISH.

IT'S GOT A HAT.

- WELL, I FOR ONE,

THINK WE SHOULD LET THE KIDS CHOOSE FOR THEMSELVES.

- OKAY, MAYBE I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF CLEAR.

THE FISH HAS A HAT.

IT'S A DERBY.

- I THINK VINNIE'S RIGHT.

THIS NIGHT SHOULD BE FOR THE KIDS.

all: YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

BUT THIS ONE'S ON YOU, HAIR CLUB.

- HEY, LACY, HELP ME PUT SOME OF THESE POSTERS

UP FOR THE DANCE.

- YEAH, SURE, SURE.

- ARE YOU STARING AT SCOTT THOMPSON?

- NO.

- OH, MY GOSH,

YOU ARE TOTES CRUSHING ON THAT BOY.

IF ONLY THERE WAS A PLACE YOU COULD DANCE WITH HIM.

HMM. I DON'T REMEMBER.

- HE WOULD NEVER WANT TO DANCE WITH ME.

YOU DON'T THINK HE WOULD, WOULD HE?

- WANT ME TO FIND OUT?

- NO, THAT'S CRAZY.

- HMM.

- LET HIM KNOW I HAVE ACCESS TO A GO-KART.

- DO YOU?

- YOU LET ME WORRY ABOUT THAT.

- AH, YOUNG MR. BASSETT, THERE YOU ARE.

- HEY, PRINCIPAL MIDDLETON.

- YOU KNOW, WENDELL, I ALWAYS IMAGINED I'D HAVE A SON

THAT LOOKED LIKE YOU SOMEDAY.

INSTEAD, I HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO LOOKS LIKE CEELO GREEN.

ANYWAY, THE WHOLE ADMINISTRATION IS SO EXCITED

ABOUT YOUR VAMPIRE THEME.

WE LOVE IT EXCEPT A COUPLE OF MINOR TWEAKS.

- OH? - YEAH.

CAN'T DO FANGS. SAFETY ISSUE.

- BUT VAMPIRES HAVE FANGS.

- AHA, THAT'S THE OTHER THING.

UH, YOU CAN'T SAY "VAMPIRES" OR "DRACULA."

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I RAN IT BY THE SCHOOL BOARD.

YOU CAN SAY "NIGHT DUDES."

- BUT YOU'RE TAKING AWAY ALL THE THINGS

THAT KIDS LOVE ABOUT VAMPIRES.

- AH, NIGHT DUDES.

- WHAT ABOUT FEMALE VAMPIRES?

- AHA, YOU MEAN LADY NIGHT DUDES.

YOU'RE A SMART KID.

YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

[phone vibrating] OH, GETTING A TEXT.

[chuckles]

"CAN'T SAY NIGHT DUDES."

- HI, TARYN.

- OH, HEY, NEIGHBOR.

- OH, TARYN, THIS IS OLIVIA.

- HI.

- OH, UH, OH MY HANDS ARE FILTHY.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU JUST START CLEANING EVERY ROOM

YOU WALK INTO, AND THEN SUDDENLY,

THE WHOLE DAY IS GONE?

I'VE HAD SIX WEEKS OF THOSE.

- YOU KNOW HOW YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO START A BAKERY?

OLIVIA STARTED TOTALLY AWESOME CUPCAKES.

- [gasps] THAT'S HUGE.

- SHE ALSO STARTED A CHARITABLE FOUNDATION, ADOPTED A KID,

AND TAUGHT HERSELF HOW TO BUILD A PIANO.

- OH, WELL,

I FINALLY PUT A LEMON DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

IT TOTALLY TOOK CARE OF THE SMELL.

SO PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

- VINNIE AND I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER,

AND I WAS ON MY WAY TO WORK,

BUT HE WANTED TO SHOW ME THIS WEIRD THING

THAT IS SUPPOSEDLY IN OUR OLD YEARBOOK.

- I'M TELLING YOU, IF YOU GO TO PAGE 16 AND DRAW A LINE

CONNECTING EVERY PERSON THAT WENT TO PRISON,

IT MAKES A STAR.

HEY, EVERYBODY, THIS IS OLIVIA.

- WENDELL, YOU GOT TO CALM DOWN,

BREATHE.

- WHAT'S WRONG? - PRINCIPAL MIDDLETON

PUT A STAKE THROUGH THE HEART OF MY VAMPIRE THEME.

"NO BLOOD-- SEEN OR IMPLIED--

"NO FANGS, AND NO CAPES,

AND NO USE OF THE WORD 'VAMPIRE.'"

THAT'S JUST AN EVENING FULL OF PALE PEOPLE.

- WENDELL, THE THEME

IS THE LEAST IMPORTANT PART OF THE DANCE.

GOOD MUSIC IS ALL YOU NEED.

- YOU USED TO BE A DJ.

- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

DJ BASSETT HOUND.

both: AH-OOH!

- HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS. IF HE'S THE DJ,

THAT OPENS UP A SPOT FOR A CHAPERONE FOR ME.

OH, MY GOD, THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

YOU WANT KIDS TO DANCE, I'M YOUR GIRL.

I'M GONNA EVEN GET YOU TO DANCE.

- UH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I DON'T DANCE.

- OH, WE'RE GONNA CHANGE ALL THAT.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU BOOGIE FEVER.

- THAT'S THE MOST TREATABLE THING YOU'VE EVER GIVEN ANYBODY.

COME ON, WENDELL, DANCING'S FUN.

I'LL SHOW YOU.

OLIVIA, MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE?

[light guitar music]

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, SO YOU JUST START WITH, LIKE,

A LITTLE BOUNCE, A LITTLE SWAY.

- AND THEN LET YOUR HANDS COME UP

LIKE YOU'RE BOXING HOBBITS.

- YEAH.

- NO, I THINK I HAVE TOO MUCH,

UH, PERSONAL DIGNITY TO DANCE.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I HAVE DIGNITY.

I CALL THIS ONE "THE SWEATY GRANDMA."

[groaning loudly]

- I GOT ONE TOO.

THE "NAUSEATED NEPHEW."

- YEAH? HUH?

- I BROUGHT BACK YOUR VACUUM CLEANER.

- OKEYDOKE.

- SO I'LL JUST BE LEAVING.

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD LIFT ME UP.

- I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FOR 20 SECONDS.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

- [laughing]

- SO, SCOTT,

I SEE YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THE DANCE.

YOU KNOW WHO'S A GREAT DANCER?

LACY.

- LACY, THE SHORT GIRL WHO BEAT UP THE JANITOR?

- YOU MEAN THE REALLY CUTE SHORT GIRL

WHO BEAT UP THE JANITOR.

UM, I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE YOU'D EVER CONSIDER

ASKING HER TO DANCE?

- NOT A CHANCE. NEVER. NO WAY.

- SO WHAT DID HE SAY? DOES HE LIKE ME?

WILL HE DANCE WITH ME?

TELL ME. TELL ME. TELL ME.

- HE SAID, UH,

AND I'M PARAPHRASING,

ABSOLUTELY.

- [squealing]

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

- [grunting] ONE...

- HEY, VINNIE, CAN I BORROW YOUR--

[gasps] OH.

- THREE...

- ARE YOU DOING BABY PUSH-UPS?

- [groans]

THAT'S IT.

I'D LIKE TO SEE A BABY DO THREE OF THOSE.

SERIOUSLY, BRING A BABY OVER HERE.

I WILL HUMILIATE IT.

- ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING--

- OH, I NEED YOUR HELP WITH SOMETHING.

I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT THIS.

- SURE. - ALL RIGHT, PICTURE THIS.

- MM-HMM. - YOUR FAVORITE SONG COMES ON.

THE LIGHTS TURN LOW.

I TAKE YOU BY THE HANDS,

AND I GAZE INTO YOUR EYES,

AND I SAY,

"THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE WANTED

"TO ASK YOU SINCE THE MOMENT I LAID EYES ON YOU.

WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH ME?"

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

- I'D SAY, "WHO ARE YOU?"

- I KNOW, IT'S TOO MUCH, ISN'T IT?

- NO. - IT'S TOO MUCH.

IT'S STUPID. - NO, NO, NO, IT'S LOVELY.

- OH. - IT'S TRULY LOVELY.

I JUST--I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS SIDE OF YOU BEFORE.

IT'S SERIOUS AND ROMANTIC.

- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M JUST GETTING OLDER

OR IF IT'S BECAUSE OF WENDELL,

BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M READY FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIP.

- WELL, MAYBE YOU ARE. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE.

- YOU KNOW, I THINK I USE JOKING AROUND AS A COVER,

BUT LATELY, I'VE BEEN THINKING,

I SHOULD FIND SOMEONE WORTH BEING SERIOUS FOR,

WORTH THE RISK OF GETTING HURT.

AND I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S OLIVIA.

- WELL, MY GRANNY ALWAYS USED TO SAY,

"YOU CAN'T GROW A RADISH UNLESS YOU PLANT A SEED."

- GRANNY IS VERY WISE.

- I DON'T KNOW.

SHE ALSO THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE A BIG MARKET FOR WOLVES MILK.

- WELL, REGARDLESS, THANK YOU.

I'M GONNA ASK OLIVIA OUT TONIGHT AT WENDELL'S DANCE.

- OH.

- YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BORROW SOMETHING?

- OH, UH, YEAH.

I--

THIS.

- REALLY?

OKAY.

JUST BRING IT BACK. I GOT A THING NEXT WEEK.

[bouncy rock music]

- HEY, WENDELL.

IT'S A GREAT TURNOUT.

- YEAH, BUT NONE OF IT'S GONNA MATTER IF NOBODY'S DANCING.

- OH, DON'T WORRY. I GOT YOU COVERED.

HELLO, HINES MIDDLE SCHOOL.

I'M DJ BASSETT HOUND.

AH-WHOO!

ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

[cheers and applause]

ARE YOU READY TO LOSE YOUR MINDS?

[cheers and applause]

- ARE YOU READY TO DANCE?

I'M SORRY, WENDELL.

THEY LED ME TO BELIEVE THEY WERE READY.

- LACY, YOU'RE LATE.

- HEY, YOU THINK HOTNESS LIKE THIS JUST HAPPENS?

IS SCOTT HERE?

- UH, WELL, YEAH, HE IS, BUT--

- COME ON, GIRLS.

- UM, WHA--

- AH, THE COUNT IS HERE

AND IS READY TO PARTY.

- WELL, MR. COLDFOOT, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- LET ME HEAR YOU,

MY CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT.

YOU WENT WITH THE FISH.

[sighs]

- UNCLE VINNIE, YOU PROMISED ME YOU'D GET PEOPLE DANCING.

MY REPUTATION IS ON THE LINE.

- BELIEVE ME, WENDELL,

I HAVE PULLED OUT ALL OF THE STOPS HERE.

I'VE HOWLED SO MUCH,

ANIMAL CONTROL HAS BEEN HERE TWICE.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

SOMEBODY'S MAKING A MOVE.

- STAY STRONG, TOMMY.

- DR. WILMA IS HERE! OH! HO!

- OH, DEAR, GOD, NO.

- BOYS, TIME TO TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH...

UP A PARTY, ALL RIGHT, LADIES?

ALL RIGHT? YEAH. WE'LL JUST--

HO! HUP! HO!

WAIT. WHERE YOU GOING? WHAT YOU DOING?

HEY, CATCH AND RELEASE, RIGHT? CATCH AND RELEASE.

OKAY, LET'S DO THIS.

YEAH, YEAH. YEAH.

[making robotic sound effects]

GUESS WHO CAME TO THE PARTY?

A ROBOT DID.

YEAH!

- I'M SORRY. YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST.

- I KNOW, BUT I'M A GOOD FRIEND OF VINNIE BASSET'S,

AND I REALLY NEED TO TELL HIM SOMETHING.

- OH, THAT'S GREAT,

BUT WE HAVE TO KEEP THIS ENTRANCE CLEAR, OKAY, MA'AM?

- [scoffs] MA'AM?

WHO ARE YOU CALLING MA'AM?

WAIT. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.

WAIT. I WENT TO SEVEN PROMS!

- ALL RIGHT, BOYS. COME ON, LET'S DO THIS.

LET'S DO IT. GRAB A HOLD.

GRAB A HOLD. ALL RIGHT, SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE

TO TOUCH A LADY. WHAT?

UGH. TOUGH ROOM.

- YEAH, I HATE THESE KIDS. [listlessly] AH-OOH.

- SCOTT HASN'T LOOKED AT ME ONCE TONIGHT.

- WELL, DON'T WORRY. I'LL REMIND HIM.

- WELL, HURRY UP.

IT MAY BE HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT THERE'S AN EXPIRATION DATE ON ALL OF THIS.

- SCOTT, MI AMIGO.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I NEED YOU TO ASK LACY TO DANCE.

- NO. - PLEASE?

WHAT IF I DID YOUR HOMEWORK FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR?

- SORRY. I ALREADY HAVE A NERD ON MY PAYROLL.

YOU KNOW MARTHA GOLDMAN?

- YEAH, MARTHA'S GOOD.

- STUPID SPRINKLER!

[fabric rips]

clunk!

NO!

[gasps]

[toilet flushes]

[gasps]

- THE LINE FOR THE GIRLS ROOM WAS A NIGHTMARE, HUH?

- HI, OLIVIA.

- HEY, VINNIE.

WOW, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SONG IN 15 YEARS.

- WELL, I PUT IT ON JUST FOR YOU.

IT BRINGS BACK MEMORIES, HUH? - YEAH.

THIS WAS PLAYING ON THE RADIO ON THE WAY TO THE VET

WHEN WE HAD TO PUT OUR DOG DOWN.

- THAT'S THE ONE I WAS GOING FOR.

BE RIGHT BACK.

- I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,

BUT UNDERNEATH THAT GOOFY VIDEO GAME ADDICT,

THERE MAY ACTUALLY BE A MATURE MAN

I COULD SEE BEING WITH,

AND I JUST FIGURED BEFORE THAT MAN

WENT OFF WITH SOMEONE ELSE,

I SHOULD LET HIM KNOW.

LOOK AT ME.

HOW PATHETIC AM I?

I'M STANDING IN A LITTLE BOYS ROOM TRYING TO CRASH

A MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE.

THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA. I'M SUCH A FOOL.

- HONEY, I WAS JUST FLOPPING AROUND ON THE FLOOR

LIKE A FISH BEGGING 12-YEAR-OLDS TO DANCE WITH ME,

SO YOU'VE GOT SOME CATCHING UP TO DO.

- TARYN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WOW, YOU REALLY TOOK THE "UNDER THE SEA" THEME

TO A NEW LEVEL.

- I JUST-- I, UH--

I HAVE SOMETHING THAT I REALLY NEED TO TELL YOU.

- OH, GOOD, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, TOO.

YOU GO FIRST.

- OKAY.

I REALLY WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I...

UH...

OKAY, NOW YOU GO.

- I TOOK YOUR ADVICE.

OLIVIA SAID YES.

- I HEARD,

AND THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU THE CELEBRATORY KISS.

YAY!

- I'M SORRY, LACY.

SCOTT'S NOT GONNA ASK YOU TO DANCE,

AND THE TRUTH IS,

HE NEVER WAS,

BUT WHEN I SAW THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE, I JUST

COULDN'T BREAK IT TO YOU.

- SO YOU DID LIE.

- I'M READY FOR MY BEAT-DOWN.

- I JUST WISH YOU TOLD ME EARLIER.

I ORDERED MY POSSE TO BE READY TO SNAP A PHOTO

WHEN A HANDSOME KID ASKED ME TO DANCE.

- OH, SORRY.

WELL, I KNOW I'M NO SCOTT,

BUT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE WITH ME?

- I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE TO DANCE.

- WELL, FOR YOU, I'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE?

[slow rock music]

*

[record scratches]

- WOW, THAT WAS CLOSE.

[upbeat percussive music]

*

- I DID IT!

- AH-WHOO!

all: AH-WHOO!

- WELL, IT TOOK A WHILE TO PEAK, BUT, WENDELL,

YOU MAY HAVE PULLED OFF ONE OF THE ALL-TIME GREATEST DANCES.

- THANKS, UNCLE VINNIE.

HANG ON, I JUST GOT TO FINISH LOCKING UP.

[door handle rattling]

- HELLO? - HELLO?

[knocking at door]

- HELLO?

- HELLO.

[pounding at door]

- HELLO! - HEY!

both: GUYS?