Original subtitles

- SO ONCE YOU GET THE EGG WHITES WHIPPED,

WE FOLD IN OUR CONDENSED MILK AND LIME JUICE.

- HOW'D YOU LEARN ALL THESE COOKING ALGORITHMS?

- MY MOM.

AND WE CALL THEM RECIPES.

- WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

- KEY LIME PIE IS HAPPENING.

- WHY IS HE IN A COOKING DRESS?

- IT'S AN APRON.

I PUT HIM IN SOME OF MY THINGS

HE DIDN'T WANT TO STAIN HIS CLOTHES.

- YOU'RE RUINING HIM.

HEY, THERE'S GOT TO BE A BASEBALL GAME ON SOMEWHERE...

OR A KUNG FU MOVIE

OR--I JUST GOT THIS DVD

OF GUYS FROM FLORIDA PUNCHING EACH OTHER.

GO PUT THAT ON.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING SKATEBOARDING WITH GREGORY.

- I WAS, BUT THEN HE STARTED ASKING ME

ABOUT STUFF I DON'T KNOW,

AND IT JUST FELL APART.

- WHAT STUFF?

- YOU KNOW, SPORTS, TV, HARRY POTTER.

IT WAS LIKE I WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

- WENDELL, YOU HAVE TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE.

- HEY, WHOA. WHOA.

I'LL DO THE PARENTING HERE.

WENDELL, YOU HAVE TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE!

THAT'S WHY WE WORKED ON YOUR GO-TO JOKE.

EVERYONE NEEDS AN ICEBREAKER.

- OOH, LET'S HEAR IT.

I NEED A NEW ONE.

"MY HUSBAND LEFT ME"

ISN'T THE FUN MAGNET I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

- OKAY. HERE GOES.

- MEN JUST DON'T LIKE ME.

- IT'S NOT JUST MEN.

- WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- AM I ALL RIGHT?

I GOT REJECTED

BY YET ANOTHER DISASTROUS FIRST DATE.

ALL I WANT IS A DISASTROUS SECOND DATE.

- WAS IT THAT BAD?

- UGH. I WON'T GO INTO DETAIL.

LET'S JUST SAY IF YOU KEEP A RAT AS A PET,

EITHER LET A GIRL KNOW OR BE COOL

WHEN SHE SLAMS IT IN THE CAR DOOR A COUPLE OF TIMES.

- I THINK MAYBE YOU'D GET MORE SECOND DATES

IF YOU WERE A LITTLE LESS MEAN.

- IS THAT THE KIND OF ADVICE

THAT GOT YOU LIVING ALL BY YOURSELF

IN A STRANGE CITY?

OKAY, THAT WAS MEAN. I HEAR IT NOW.

YEAH.

[groans]

GOD, I'M GONNA DIE ALONE.

- YEAH.

WENDELL,

TELL YOUR JOKE.

- OKAY.

SO IT SEEMS THIS FELLOW WAS--

- LIKE WE PRACTICED.

- [sighs]

SO THIS GUY... - [grunts]

- GOES TO THE DENTIST AND SAYS,

"DOC, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

I THINK I'M A MOTH."

THE DENTIST SAYS, "A MOTH?

"YOU DON'T NEED A DENTIST.

YOU NEED A PSYCHIATRIST."

THE GUY SAYS, "YEAH, I KNOW."

THE DENTIST GOES, "SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

THE GUY SAYS, "THE LIGHT WAS ON."

[all cheer] - WENDELL!

- THAT WAS FUNNY. - YEAH?

- JUST TELL IT LIKE THAT,

AND YOU'LL MAKE TONS OF FRIENDS IN NO TIME.

- THANKS, UNCLE VINNIE.

- HE IS WEARING HIS OWN UNDERWEAR, RIGHT?

[quirky brass music]

*

- * I NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * I NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * SO WAIT A MINUTE

* HEY

* I NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- THOSE GUYS THERE IN THE DUGOUT

ARE SOME OF THE FINEST ATHLETES IN THE WORLD.

- THEY'RE JUST SCRATCHING THEMSELVES AND SPITTING.

- EXACTLY.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG,

I USED TO THINK I COULD SCRATCH

AND SPIT PROFESSIONALLY.

THEN YOU GROW UP AND YOU JUST PUT THOSE DREAMS AWAY.

- DID MY DAD LIKE BASEBALL?

- HE LOVED IT!

GRANDPA USED TO TAKE YOUR DAD AND ME AND AUNT WILMA

TO DODGER STADIUM IN CHAVEZ RAVINE

JUST LIKE HIS DAD TOOK HIM.

OF COURSE, BACK THEN THERE WAS NO STADIUM.

IT WAS JUST A RAVINE.

- AUNT WILMA LIKE BASEBALL TOO?

- SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT IT.

AS A KID, SHE USED TO ALWAYS DRESS

AS TOMMY LASORDA FOR HALLOWEEN.

THEN IN HIGH SCHOOL,

SHE WAS TOMMY LASORDA WITH FISHNETS.

- MAN, I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE THAT.

- NO, YOU WOULD NOT.

NO, NO, NO! NO!

- HEY, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

- AH, HE GOT CAUGHT STEALING.

- GOOD. STEALING IS WRONG.

- NO.

IN BASEBALL, STEALING IS GOOD.

- KNOCK, KNOCK.

HOW'S IT GOING IN HERE?

- REALLY GOOD.

WENDELL'S REALLY STARTING TO UNDERSTAND BASEBALL.

- SO HOW'S IT REALLY GOING?

- EH, I WON'T LIE. HE'S A CHALLENGE.

BUT I DON'T CARE.

I'M GONNA GET HIM TO LOVE BASEBALL JUST LIKE I DID.

IT MADE MY CHILDHOOD.

- YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY MADE MY CHILDHOOD

WAS LONG TALKS WITH MY GRANDMA.

WE USED TO--

- DON'T BE RUDE. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ME.

I WAS TEN WHEN THE DODGERS WON THE SERIES IN '88.

MY DAD LET US STAY UP LATE.

I'D NEVER SEEN HIM SO HAPPY.

WHENEVER THINGS GOT ROUGH BETWEEN US,

WE ALWAYS HAD THE '88 WORLD SERIES.

- THAT'S SO SWEET.

- AND OUR HATRED OF THE YANKEES.

- LITTLE LESS SWEET.

- I WANT WENDELL AND I TO HAVE OUR OWN '88 WORLD SERIES.

- OH.

YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY NICE SEEING THIS SIDE OF YOU.

- I KNOW.

EVERY WOMAN I TELL THAT STORY TO

FALLS A LITTLE MORE IN LOVE WITH ME.

- [scoffs]

COME ON.

AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN "MORE"?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

- IS THIS HOW YOU FLIRT?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "THIS"?

- OKAY, I'M LEAVING.

- HEY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "LEAVING"?

[rapid knocking]

- ALL RIGHT.

- HI.

I WAS WONDERING IF WE COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION.

- FORGIVE ME IF THIS SOUNDS RUDE, BUT...

IS THIS A TRAP?

- RELAX.

I JUST WANT SOME FRIENDLY ADVICE.

- WHEN DID WE BECOME FRIENDS?

- LET'S OPEN SOME WINE, RIGHT?

- OH, I'M NOT SURE I HAVE ANY...

WINE.

UH, I THINK I HAVE SOME...

[glasses clink] GLASSES.

WOW. YOU CAME PREPARED.

ALL WE NEED NOW ARE...

[nuts clattering]

SNACKS.

- THIS IS FUN.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

DO I COME ACROSS AS DESPERATE TO YOU?

- OH, NO, NOT DESPERATE.

YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE--

[buzzes]

AND-- [growls]

- I HAVE ANOTHER FIRST DATE ON THURSDAY,

AND IT'S IMPORTANT TO MY SELF-ESTEEM

THAT I GET A SECOND DATE, MAYBE EVEN A THIRD.

- SO HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

- YOU NEED TO TEACH ME HOW TO BE SWEET.

- OH, I'M NOT SURE--

- YOU NEED TO TEACH ME...

[whispering] HOW TO BE SWEET.

- I CAN TRY TO TEACH YOU

HOW TO BE A LITTLE LESS JUDGMENTAL.

WHY DON'T WE DO A LITTLE ROLE-PLAY.

YOU BE YOU, AND I'LL BE YOUR DATE.

- WHAT RESTAURANT ARE WE GOING TO ON THIS DATE?

BECAUSE I DON'T DO CHAIN RESTAURANTS

OR ANY PLACE THAT DEALS WITH A GROUPON

AND IF THE WAITRESS HAS HER HOMETOWN ON HER NAMETAG,

I'M OUT.

- WOW.

OKAY.

WE'RE GOING TO A FIVE-STAR ITALIAN RESTAURANT.

- [laughing] YOU CAN'T AFFORD THAT.

- STOP JUDGING.

LET'S JUST SAY WE'RE IN THE RESTAURANT TALKING.

JUST BE NICE.

YOU'RE LOOKING PARTICULARLY LOVELY THIS EVENING.

- SO I LOOKED UGLY BEFORE? I MEAN--

- YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN TO TAKE A COMPLIMENT, WILMA.

YOU ARE A SUCCESSFUL, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

- YOU REALLY THINK SO?

- DON'T MAKE THIS ANY HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA BE THE DATE,

AND YOU BE ME BEING... YOU BEING ME.

OKAY, YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

HOW YOU DOING? I'M OGDEN.

I DROVE HERE IN A SCOOTER THAT I BUILT MYSELF.

EVER BEEN IN A SIDECAR?

HOPE THAT'S YOUR OWN HAIR, 'CAUSE IT GETS WINDY.

- OGDEN, YOU MUST BE VERY HANDY

TO HAVE BUILT YOUR OWN SCOOTER.

- OH, THAT'S GOOD.

SEE, I WOULD HAVE SAID,

"CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE TWO MORE WHEELS AND SOME DOORS."

SO...

LISTEN, JUST LOST MY JOB,

SO TO SAVE MONEY,

I THOUGHT WE COULD DINE AND DASH.

- OH.

FRUGAL.

SMART.

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE JOB.

YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU.

LIFE'S RICH WITH POSSIBILITY.

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

- WOW, WITH THAT ATTITUDE, WE'RE GONNA BE HERE AWHILE.

WE BETTER ORDER DINNER.

- YOU WANT GREEK OR CHINESE?

THAT'S YOURS.

- WELL, YOU'RE NOT BLEEDING.

DOES IT HURT?

- NOT TOO BAD.

JUST GIVE A GUY SOME WARNING.

- I YELLED "CATCH."

- THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING.

- I GIVE UP.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST ADMIT BASEBALL'S NOT FOR YOU.

I MEAN, THERE'S OTHER SPORTS.

WE COULD ALWAYS WATCH...

SOCCER.

- WHAT ARE THESE?

- BASEBALL CARDS.

THEY FEATURE THE PLAYERS OF A SPORT YOU HATE.

- NO, THE NUMBERS ON THE BACK.

- OH, STATS.

YOU KNOW, HITS, RBIs, HOME RUNS.

- AND THERE'S NUMBERS FOR EVERY PLAYER?

HOW FAR BACK DOES THIS DATA GO?

- I DON'T KNOW.

100 YEARS, MAYBE MORE.

- WHOA!

YOU'RE TELLING ME

THERE'S OVER A CENTURY OF HARD DATA

ON A CLOSED SYSTEM WITH MINIMIZED VARIABLES?

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TELLING YOU, WENDELL!

THERE'S WHOLE LEAGUES

WHERE YOU JUST WATCH NUMBERS CHANGE ON A COMPUTER

AND DON'T EVEN SEE THE GAME.

- OH, MY GOSH.

[panting]

I HAVE TO SIT DOWN.

- YEAH!

I'M SUCH A FOOL!

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE BASEBALL FUN

WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MAKING IT HOMEWORK!

- MY SPIRALS! MY MECHANICAL PENCILS!

BRING THEM TO ME!

- YEAH!

- AND THAT IS WHY

I WILL ALWAYS BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED

TO MY EX-WIFE.

- I'M GLAD THAT YOU TRUST ME ENOUGH

TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH ME.

- THAT'S SO REFRESHING.

YOU KNOW, WOMEN CAN BE SO JUDGE-Y.

EVEN THE...

YOU KNOW-- BOOM!

[laughs] AM I RIGHT?

- [feigns laughter] OH, MY GOD.

SO RIGHT.

[grunts]

- WENDELL, COME ON OUT. THE GAME'S ALMOST ON!

- COMING!

- THIS MUST BE NICE FOR YOU.

YOU'RE LIVING YOUR DREAM.

- I AM.

WENDELL AND I ARE ABOUT TO WATCH A DODGER GAME,

HAVE PIZZA.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THIS CLOSE

TO HAVING TO WATCH SOCCER

AND EAT SOME KIND OF BELGIAN...FISH CAKE.

- IF YOU ORDERED A PIZZA, WHY ARE YOU EATING A HOT DOG?

- PIZZA'S LUNCH.

THIS IS A BREAKFAST DOG.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S SYRUP ON THERE.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

- LIKE WHAT?

- LIKE I'M A SERIAL KILLER OR A...

YANKEES FAN.

- FINISH YOUR BREAKFAST.

IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT DOG OF THE DAY.

- WENDELL, GET OUT HERE!

LIL WAYNE'S ABOUT TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM!

- OH, MY GOD.

LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE A LITTLE YANKEE!

[gasps]

- SORRY.

HABIT.

- I DON'T GET IT.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT BEING A YANKEES FAN?

THEY'RE THE BEST TEAM IN BASEBALL HISTORY.

I CAN SHOW YOU THE NUMBERS.

- 'CAUSE THEY GET THE BEST PLAYERS.

GAH! I CAN'T LOOK AT THAT UNIFORM.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, COVER YOURSELF.

- YOU KNOW, VINNIE,

YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT YOU WANTED WENDELL TO BE A DODGER FAN.

YOU SAID A BASEBALL FAN.

- IT JUST SEEMS LIKE IF YOU'RE A FAN,

YOU WANT YOUR TEAM TO WIN.

AND THESE GUYS WIN A LOT, RIGHT?

- BUT OUR WHOLE FAMILY HAS ALWAYS BEEN DODGER FANS.

- HE'S YOUR NEPHEW.

AND YOU NEED TO LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT TEAM HE'S FOR.

- OH, COME ON.

IT'S NOT LIKE HE WAS BORN THIS WAY.

THIS IS A CHOICE!

- YOU HAD TO SEE THIS COMING.

HE'S BEEN A NUMBER CRUNCHER FOR YEARS.

- YEAH, I'VE GOT A POSTER OF GOTTFRIED LEIBNIZ IN MY ROOM.

- WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

- HE INVENTED CALCULUS.

- I THOUGHT THAT WAS A PICTURE OF SHAKESPEARE.

- OH, SURE.

'CAUSE EVERYONE IN A POWDERED WIG

LOOKS THE SAME TO YOU.

- I GOT ROGER, DEAK, AND MONGO COMING OVER

TO WATCH THE YANKEE DODGER GAME TOMORROW.

THESE GUYS ARE MY FRIENDS.

SO IF YOU WANT TO YANKEE IT UP

IN YOUR ROOM DURING THAT, GO AHEAD.

JUST DON'T PARADE AROUND HERE SHOVING IT IN EVERYBODY'S FACE.

- YOU ARE SO CLOSE-MINDED, UNCLE VINNIE.

- OH, IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES TO YOU,

BUT I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO EXPLAIN THIS

TO YOUR GRANDFATHER!

- SO NOW THAT THIS IS OUR THIRD DATE,

WE'VE TALKED, WE'VE SHARED, WE'VE APPETIZED.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR US TO GET REAL.

- SWEET.

I CAN STOP SUCKING IN MY GUT.

[sighs] WHOO.

I'M NOT SCARED TO BE MYSELF AROUND YOU.

YOU'RE SO NICE,

SO ACCEPTING, SO--

- I'M GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE, RAY.

SEE, I FEEL LIKE THAT I'VE PRESENTED A SIDE OF MYSELF THAT,

WHILE IS USUALLY APPEALING,

MAY NOT BE THE FULL STORY OF WILMA.

- WELL, I'M SURE WHATEVER IT IS--

- STILL TALKING, RAY.

SINCE IT'S OUR THIRD DATE, I'D LIKE YOU TO STEP IT UP TOO.

YOU KNOW, BRING YOUR "A" GAME, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A--YOU'RE A...

FINE LOOKING MAN.

YOU OWN A CHAIN OF TIRE STORES.

- ACTUALLY, IT'S A CHAIN OF TIRE CHAIN STORES.

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE MAKE THAT MISTAKE.

- [tutting] THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, RIGHT?

OKAY, AND I NEED YOU TO-- I NEED YOU TO TELL ME A JOKE.

JUST ONE GOOD ONE.

OKAY, THIS IS OUR THIRD DATE.

I PROMISE I WILL MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE.

- [sighs] OH.

OKAY, READY.

IT'S CRUNCH TIME.

OKAY.

THERE'S THIS GUY WHO THINKS HE'S A MOTH.

- OH, OKAY, GREAT.

OKAY, THE MOTH INFORMATION CAME OUT A TAD EARLY.

BUT, NO, YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK.

LET'S GO. GO GET 'EM. GO, GO.

- SO HE GOES TO HIS DENTIST ON THE SECOND FLOOR

OF THIS LITTLE PROFESSIONAL BUILDING.

IT'S LIKE BY A BANK AND A PHARMACY.

- [groans]

GONNA GET BOGGED DOWN IN THE DETAILS.

- OH, THE DENTIST SAYS, "YOU THINK YOU'RE A MOTH?

"WELL, THAT'S CRAZY.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE A PERSON."

- CLEARLY NOT THE PUNCH LINE.

WHAT DID HE SAY NEXT?

- SO HE SAYS TO HIM, "YOU DON'T NEED A DENTIST.

YOU NEED A SHRINK OR SOMETHING."

- BRING IT HOME, RAY.

- OKAY, HE SAYS TO HIM, "WHY DID YOU COME HERE?"

AND HE SAYS,

"I SAW THE SIGN."

[laughing]

- THE LIGHT WAS ON.

- WHAT?

- HE DIDN'T SEE THE SIGN.

THERE WAS NO SIGN, RAY.

THE MOTH MAN WENT IN

'CAUSE THE LIGHT WAS ON.

- I THINK THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID.

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID. THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID.

YOU SAID HE SAW THE SIGN.

YOU SAID HE SAW THE SIGN, WHICH MAKES NO SENSE, RAY.

ZERO, OKAY?

THE MAN WENT IN BECAUSE HE SAW THE LIGHT WAS ON.

THE MAN THOUGHT HE WAS A MOTH!

SO HE FOLLOWED THE LIGHT!

- OH.

- MY 13-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW NAILED THAT JOKE!

AND NOW YOU'VE RUINED IT FOR ME!

SIT THERE AND FEEL BAD!

- KNOCK, KNOCK?

splash!

- [hoarsely] OH, VINNIE,

THIS PINEAPPLE JALAPENO IS MELTING MY THROAT.

- [grunts]

IT BURNS ALL THE WAY DOWN.

I KIND OF WANT TO VOMIT,

BUT THEN IT WOULD BURN ALL THE WAY BACK UP.

- ROGER, CHUG THAT HOT SAUCE.

- NO.

- DO IT.

- OKAY.

[screams] WHOO!

WHY IS THE HOT SAUCE SO HOT?

- [laughing] IT SAYS "HOT" RIGHT ON IT.

[TV announcer chatters indistinctly]

- OOH!

LONG FLY BALL.

- CATCH IT. CATCH IT!

all: YEAH!

- WHOO! - YES!

- ROGER, CELEBRATION HOT SAUCE.

- OH, NO, NOT THIS TIME.

- DO IT.

- OKAY.

[screams]

[gasps]

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

- HELLO,

DEAK,

ROGER,

MONGO.

[sighs] VINCENT.

- THIS SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE?

- WE AGREED YOU WERE GONNA WATCH THE GAME IN YOUR ROOM.

- WELL, IT'S AFTER THE SEVENTH INNING.

I THOUGHT YOU DODGER FANS WOULD BE GONE BY NOW.

BEAT THE TRAFFIC.

BURN!

- VINNIE, ARE YOU GONNA LET HIM SAY THAT

IN FRONT OF JACKIE ROBINSON'S CLEAT SCRAPER?

- JUST IGNORE HIM, GUYS.

HE'S GOING THROUGH A PHASE.

- "SO WHO'S WINNING?"

HE ASKED, KNOWING THE YANKEES ARE UP BY ONE.

[thumps chest] YANKEES!

- BEING A RUN DOWN DOESN'T BOTHER US.

- WELL, IT SHOULD.

WHEN TRAILING AFTER THE SEVENTH INNING,

THE DODGERS HAVE LOST EVERY TIME.

BUT WHAT ARE STATISTICS?

OH, YEAH, ONLY THE MOST ACCURATE METHOD

OF ASSESSING PROBABILITY.

THIRD-DEGREE BURN.

- HEY, NUMBERS,

WE GOT SOMETHING BETTER THAN STATISTICS.

GENTLEMEN, RALLY CAPS.

- OH, NO! RALLY CAPS.

HOW CAN OUR SUPERIOR HITTING, PITCHING, AND FIELDING

EVER COMPETE WITH YOUR BLACK MAGIC?

- OKAY, WE GET IT.

- HELLO, YANKEE DUGOUT?

JUST GIVE UP.

THEY'RE WEARING THEIR HATS ASKEW.

- ENOUGH.

- IF I WANTED TO SIT ON A COUCH AND BE RIDICULED,

I WOULD HAVE STAYED AT MY MAMA'S HOUSE.

- YEAH, WHAT IS IT WITH THIS KID?

IT'S NOT JUST THAT HE'S ROOTING FOR THE YANKEES.

HE'S BECOME A YANKEE FAN.

- YEAH, LOOK, I'M SORRY, GUYS.

AND HE'S NEVER BEEN TO NEW YORK.

- YOU CALL THIS PIZZA?

THE ONLY REAL PIZZA COMES FROM NYC,

THE BIG APPLE, THE 212, BABY.

- WENDELL.

ANGELINO PIES?

THIS IS OUR FAVORITE PIZZA IN THE WORLD.

- [scoffs]

YOU SHOW UP WITH THIS PIE IN BROOKLYN,

FORGET ABOUT IT.

- OKAY, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS WITHOUT BEING OFFENSIVE,

BUT YOUR ROOMMATE'S A TOTAL "D" BAG.

- THEN YOU REAL HOUSEWIVES OF JERSEY

CAN GO BACK TO HOBOKEN.

HA!

CALL ME THE SUN,

'CAUSE Y'ALL JUST GOT...

WELL, YOU KNOW.

- SCHOOLED?

- VINNIE, WE CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

- SEND HIM BACK TO HIS ROOM RIGHT NOW OR WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

BEAT IT. - FINE, BUT I'M--

- NOT YOU. THEM.

- WHAT? - COME ON.

- HE'S A YANKEE FAN LIVING IN A DODGER'S HOUSE.

IT'S JUST WRONG.

- OKAY, YES.

YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WENDELL IS DIFFERENT THAN THE REST OF US.

WE MIGHT FIND HIS CHOICES...

DISGUSTING,

BUT IT'S HIS LIFE.

IF HE WANTS TO STRUT DOWN BROADWAY

AS GRAND MARSHALL OF THE YANKEE PARADE,

HE CAN FOR ALL I CARE, BECAUSE I SUPPORT HIM.

AND I'LL FIGHT ANYBODY WHO DARES MOCK HIM.

SO...

- NO.

[all groaning]

- TIME TO GO, FELLAS.

- WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

- WENDELL, I'M A DODGERS FAN.

YOUR DAD WAS A DODGERS FAN.

YOUR AUNT WILMA'S A CRAZED RABID DODGERS FREAK.

BUT...

YOU'RE MY BOY

AND IF YOU WANT TO BE A YANKEES FAN,

EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE

YOU'RE CARVING MY HEART OUT WITH A SPOON,

I'LL BACK YOU UP 100%.

- THAT'S WHY YOU TOOK MY SIDE OVER YOUR FRIENDS'

EVEN THOUGH I WAS KIND OF BEING A DUMB BAG?

- A WHAT?

- YOUR FRIEND MONGO.

I ASSUMED HE MEANT DUMB BAG.

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE MEANT.

AND, YES, I GOT YOUR BACK.

- THANKS, UNCLE VINNIE.

- HEY, FORGET ABOUT IT.

[TV announcer chattering indistinctly]

- YEAH. VOILA!

DESSERT DOG.

MMM.

MMM.

[moans]

- YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT BAD.

- YEAH.

- THAT'S A NICE ITEM.

- HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT ARE YOU TWO WEARING?

- MOTHER OF MERCY.

- IS THAT A YANKEES UNIFORM?

COME HERE FOR A SECOND, WENDELL. - DON'T GO!

- NO, I'M NOT GONNA HURT HIM. I JUST WANT TO SEE SOME--

- RUN, WENDELL! - [shrieks]

[all screaming indistinctly]

- I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING!

I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING!