Original subtitles

- YES. YUP.

[cartoony video game noises] YES!

[laughing]

YEAH!

YEAH, I KILLED THE GRIM REAPER!

TALK ABOUT YOUR IRONY, HUH?

- ARE YOU BUSY?

[electronic whirring]

- NO.

WHAT'S UP, WENDELL?

- NOTHING.

- YOU MADE ME STOP HILLBILLY APOCALYPSE

FOR NOTHING?

I JUST GOT MY MULLET TO LEVEL THREE.

- I'M BORED.

- WELL, HAVE YOU DONE YOUR HOMEWORK?

- MINE AND JEREMY'S. - WHO?

- THE FICTIONAL STUDENT I CREATED

TO GET MORE HOMEWORK.

- WELL, IF YOU'RE BORED, LET'S CALL SOME FRIENDS.

- WELL, I'M STILL KIND OF THE NEW KID AT SCHOOL.

I'M NOT SURE WHY I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH LUCK

LANDING NEW CHUMS.

- I HAVE SOME IDEA WHY.

- BUT IT'S OKAY.

I'VE BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME

WORKING WITH THE ASTRONOMICAL SOCIETY AT SCHOOL.

- A CLUB. THAT'S PERFECT.

CAN'T YOU MAKE FRIENDS THERE?

- WELL, THERE AREN'T A LOT OF MEMBERS YET

'CAUSE THE GUY WHO STARTED THE CLUB

MADE THE TEST TO GET IN PRETTY DIFFICULT.

- AND WHO WOULD THAT BE?

- HELLO.

- THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING WE CAN DO

TO HELP YOU MAKE SOME FRIENDS.

- WELL, I CAN TELL YOU WHAT WE SHOULDN'T DO,

WHICH IS TYPE OUT A LIST OF ALL MY GOOD QUALITIES

AND HAND THEM OUT WITH CARROT STICKS AT LUNCH.

- HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS?

WHY DON'T YOU INVITE SOME KIDS OVER FOR A SLEEPOVER?

- WELL, HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER

IF EVERYONE'S SLEEPING?

- THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT. NOBODY SLEEPS.

YOU JUST STAY UP ALL NIGHT

PLAYING VIDEO GAMES, GOOFING AROUND--

- WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN?

YOUNG PEOPLE'S POOR JUDGMENT PLUS SLEEP DEPRIVATION?

THAT'S JUST A POWDER KEG.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE FUN.

I KNOW IT'S SCARY, BUT TRUST ME.

THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO MEET SOME KIDS,

AND ONCE THEY GET TO KNOW YOU,

I'M SURE THEY'RE GONNA LIKE YOU A LOT.

- YOU REALLY THINK SO? - I DO.

NOW, HERE'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.

MAKE A LIST OF LOTS OF COOL, EXCITING ACTIVITIES

FOR YOUR PARTY, OKAY?

- OKAY.

- NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I GOT TO GET BACK TO MY GAME.

I ALMOST HAVE ENOUGH POINTS TO MARRY MY COUSIN.

WHOO-HOO!

[quirky brass music]

*

- * I NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * I NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- * SO WAIT A MINUTE

* HEY

* I NEVER FELT SO GOOD

- WE GOT EVERYTHING ON THE LIST FOR WENDELL'S SLEEPOVER

EXCEPT ONE THING I COULDN'T READ,

SO I GOT SOME VODKA.

- "THANKS, WILMA,"

HE SAID IGNORING HER DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP.

- SO ARE WE INVITING TO THIS PARTY?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST SCANNING THE CLASS ROSTER NOW

FOR LIKELY CANDIDATES.

RANDAL POTTS.

IT'S A GOOD CHANCE HE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING SATURDAY NIGHT.

- YOU'RE GOING ABOUT THIS ALL WRONG.

YOU HAVE TO INVITE KIDS

WHO HAVE DIVORCED DADS WITH DISPOSABLE INCOME.

- AND HOW DOES THAT HELP WENDELL?

- WENDELL. RIGHT. RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

- WELL, LET ME JUST DO SOME WORK HERE.

ALL RIGHT, JOSH COREY.

EW. AN APARTMENT? NO, THANKS.

KYLE MICHAELS. HAPPY INTACT FAMILY.

SEE YOU, LOSER.

MARCO KRAMER.

OKAY, FATHER, ALLAN, C.E.O. OF KRAMER INDUSTRIES,

NEWLY DIVORCED,

AND BEING INVESTIGATED FOR OFFSHORE ACCOUNTS?

WHAT? WE HAVE OUR FIRST GUEST.

- HEY, GUYS. - HEY, TAR.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT?

- YOUTH? HOPE? A CLOSET FULL OF TANK TOPS?

- A MENU OF ALL THE TREATS I'M GONNA BE MAKING

FOR WENDELL'S PARTY.

BUT MOST OF ALL, I HAVE A BIG HUG FOR YOU, VINNIE.

- OH!

- AREN'T YOU CURIOUS WHY I'M HUGGING YOU?

- SHH. TALKING RUINS IT.

- IF YOU HADN'T ASKED ME TO MAKE ALL THESE PARTY TREATS,

I NEVER WOULD HAVE COME UP WITH MY NEW BUSINESS IDEA.

READY?

TARYN'S HEALTHCHUNKULOUS ORGANISNACKS.

- I'M SORRY. WHAT?

I FELL ASLEEP AFTER "READY?"

- I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR A NEW DIRECTION IN MY LIFE

SINCE THE DIVORCE, AND CATERING JUST MIGHT BE IT.

- DID YOU COOK A LOT IN HOUSTON?

- NO, NO ONE LET ME COOK IN HOUSTON.

BUT SATURDAY NIGHT I'LL BE ABLE

TO TRY OUT ALL MY RECIPES ON REAL KIDS.

I WENT OUT YESTERDAY AND GOT THIS.

- OKAY.

- KNOW WHAT IT'S FOR?

- TO LIGHT YOURSELF ON FIRE WHEN YOUR BUSINESS FAILS?

- THIS BABY IS FOR ROASTING TOFU MALLOWS.

PEOPLE DON'T THINK SNACKS CAN BE DELICIOUS AND HEALTHY.

- PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE.

- VINNIE, IT MEANS AN AWFUL LOT THAT YOU BELIEVE IN ME.

- I DO.

[both mouthing words]

- HEY, GUYS. - HEY, WENDELL.

CLEAR YOUR HEAD, AND GO WITH YOUR GUT.

LENTILS OR MUNG BEANS?

- MUNG BEANS. THEY TASTE LIKE LOVE.

- WENDELL, DO YOU KNOW A GUY NAMED HARRISON LAMBERT?

PARENTS ARE SEPARATED. THEY OWN A CONDO IN ASPEN.

- HE STABBED ME IN THE NECK WITH A PENCIL ONCE.

- OOF. WELL, GOOD NEWS.

HE'S COMING OVER ON SATURDAY.

- VINNIE, DID YOU PICK UP THAT JUNIOR PLANETARIUM

I WANTED FOR THE PARTY?

- OH, NO! OH!

IT SLIPPED MY MIND!

NOW THERE'S NO TIME TO GO GET ONE.

UGH!

BUT YOU GOT ONE!

WENDELL SAVES THE DAY!

- THIS BAD BOY PROJECTS A STAR MAP

OF THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE ON THE CEILING

SO YOU GET TO SLEEP UNDER THE STARS.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SLEEP UNDER THE STARS.

IT'S CLASSICALLY ROMANTIC.

- I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GETTING

WHAT A BOY SLEEPOVER'S ALL ABOUT.

- DON'T WORRY, UNCLE VINNIE.

I'M GONNA MAKE SURE EVERYONE HAS A GOOD TIME.

WE'RE GOING TO PLAY NAME THAT MONARCH.

- OKAY, WELL, IN THE INTEREST OF OPEN DISCUSSION,

CAN I MAKE ONE HELPFUL SUGGESTION?

KIDS DON'T CARE ABOUT MUNG BEANS OR MONARCHS.

- PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT MUST WE PANDER

TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR?

- YES.

KIDS--

LISTEN, KIDS WANT CRANK CALLS

AND ZOMBIE MOVIES AND REAL SUGAR

AND FAKE CHEESE!

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.

I KNOW WHAT 12-YEAR-OLD BOYS LIKE,

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN ONE FOR 20 YEARS!

- ALL RIGHT. I HEAR YOU.

- THANK YOU.

- I'LL TELL TARYN LENTILS.

[quirky brass music]

WHY AREN'T THEY HERE YET? IT'S 5:01.

- 'CAUSE IT'S COOL TO BE A LITTLE LATE.

SEE, WHEN YOU'RE COOL,

YOU KNOW THE PARTY STARTS WHEN YOU GET THERE.

YOU'RE KIND OF NONCHALANT, KIND OF LAID BACK.

YOU GET IT?

- 100%. - YEAH.

[doorbell rings] - OH, THEY'RE HERE!

THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE! - JUST LIKE THAT.

- HI, HARRISON.

- WENDELL BASSETT?

WHY AM I HERE?

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I'M HERE?

- HARRISON, WHERE'S YOUR DADDY, RICHARD QUINCY LAMBERT?

IS HE--IS HE PERHAPS PURSUING ONE OF HIS HOBBIES

OF PARASAILING OR MUAY THAI?

POR FAVOR, DONDE ESTA DE PADRE DE HARRISON?

- YEAH, LIKE HE TELLS ME HIS PLANS?

[sighs] DON'T CALL ME.

I WON'T COME.

- YOU'RE FIRED.

- AND YOU ARE THE DEVIL!

- HI, DAVID. HI, DANIEL.

- WENDELL BASSETT? - YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

- UGH. I KNOW, RIGHT?

- GUYS, GUYS, WHERE ARE YOUR DADS?

- HI. I'M ALLAN KRAMER.

THIS IS MARCO. - OH, GREAT.

- THERE YOU ARE.

OH, MY GOSH. IT HAS BEEN FOREVER.

- [stammering] I DON'T KNOW YOU.

- YEAH.

IT'S GOT TO HAVE BEEN, LIKE, FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

THAT'S THAT LONG AGO.

- I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG PERSON.

I WENT TO...

both: EAST PROVIDENCE HIGH.

- YEAH. YEAH. GO TOWNIES.

WHOO! LET'S GO GET A DRINK.

WE HAVE HOURS OF STUFF TO CATCH UP ON!

- HOURS?

- HEY, IS THAT SPIDER-MAN'S GLOVE?

- OH, COOL! - NO WAY!

- IT'S MY UNCLE'S. HE COLLECTS THINGS.

- OH, MY UNCLE'S A HOARDER TOO.

- UH, I'M NOT REALLY A--

- WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO OVER THERE ANYMORE.

- OH, HEY, TAR.

CAN YOU PLEASE SERVE THE-- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

- SOY CHEESE KALE CHIPS.

- SOY CHEESE KALE CHIPS?

I HAVE A NEW NAME FOR THEM.

"THE PARTY SAVERS."

GO MAKE MORE.

- GOT YOU. - ALL RIGHT.

- OKAY. [chuckles]

- SO RUNNING INTO SOMEBODY FROM RHODE ISLAND HERE,

IT'S CRAZY.

- I KNOW.

IT'S LIKE SOMETHING BROUGHT US TOGETHER.

- I GOT TRANSFERRED. - FATE.

WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT PLACE

ALL THE KIDS WOULD GO ON FRIDAY NIGHTS?

- OH, AFTER THE FOOTBALL GAME.

- YEAH, IT WAS ACROSS THE STREET FROM THAT QUAINT LITTLE...

- SLAUGHTERHOUSE. - YEAH.

AND IT HAD THE BEST, UM...

[stammering]

- MM-HMM?

PIZZA. THEY HAD PIZZA.

- OH, THEY HAD SUCH GOOD PIZZA!

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.

OH, YEAH.

AND WHAT WAS THE NAME OF IT?

IT WAS A NAME, A NAME OF SOMEBODY.

- THE PIT STOP.

- THE PIT STOP. RIGHT.

HOW IS MR. STOP?

- GENTLEMEN, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

GENTLEMEN?

GENTLEMEN?

- [blowing vuvuzela]

NEVER HAD A LESSON!

BOYS, TAKE A SEAT.

WENDELL, TELL THEM ALL THE FUN STUFF

WE'RE ABOUT TO DO.

- SURE.

NOW, IF YOU'LL ALL LOOK UNDER YOUR SEAT,

YOU'LL EACH FIND YOUR OWN PARTY SURVIVAL KIT.

- * OH, YEAH

* A PARTY SURVIVAL KIT

* WHOO

* LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED *

- ON THE TOP YOU WILL FIND YOUR EMERGENCY CONTACT FORMS.

- * EMERGENCY CONTACT FORM

* CAN I GET A WHAT, WHAT?

WAIT. WHAT?

- PLEASE FILL THEM OUT WHILE I EXPLAIN

THE DANGERS YOU MIGHT ENCOUNTER AT THIS PARTY.

- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

- I THINK WE SHOULD BEGIN WITH THE VERY REAL POSSIBILITY OF

DEATH BY FIRE.

- OH, MY GOSH. - ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- SO STUPID. - WHAT?

- DON'T FORGET, SMOKE RISES,

SO IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU CROUCH AND CRAWL.

STAY LOW AND GO. THAT'S OUR MOTTO.

NOW, I'D LIKE TO HIGHLIGHT

ALL THE POSSIBLE EXITS FROM THIS APARTMENT.

- [clears throat]

WENDELL, AT THIS POINT IN THE PARTY,

I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

CAN I HAVE A MOMENT? COME ON.

- WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PAPERWORK AT THIS PARTY?

- WHO'D YOU PUT FOR NEXT OF KIN?

- WHAT I'M SAYING IS, THIS PARTY NEEDS TO BE FUN.

YOUR FUTURE POPULARITY AT SCHOOL IS ON THE LINE,

SO LIGHTEN UP.

- DON'T WORRY, UNCLE VINNIE. EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE JAKE.

- REMEMBER OUR RULE?

both: ONLY USE SLANG FROM THE 21ST CENTURY.

- YEAH, I KNOW.

- REMEMBER, BE UPBEAT! [laughs].

- OKAY. - YEAH!

- RIGHT.

HEY, GUYS, YOU READY TO HAVE SOME FUN?

all: YEAH!

- WHO KNOWS WHAT A TRACHEOTOMY IS?

- WHAT? - [groans]

[quirky brass music]

[phone keyboards clacking]

- IS THERE AN EMOTICON FOR "WORST PARTY EVER"?

- JUST PUT DOWN "WPE."

- WENDELL, YOU'RE LOSING THEM.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, YOU'RE TRENDING.

- I HAVE TO ENGAGE THEM SOMEHOW.

- WELL, I REALLY THINK IT MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME FOR HALO.

- I'VE GOT SOMETHING BETTER THAN HALO.

- ALL RIGHT.

- OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS A LEARNING GAME.

- ALREADY NOT BETTER THAN HALO.

- OKAY, THESE STICKERS HAVE THE NAMES

OF FAMOUS SCIENTISTS ON THEM.

I'LL GO FIRST.

THEN WE ASK EACH OTHER QUESTIONS TO FIND OUT WHO WE ARE.

NOW, TELL ME ABOUT MYSELF.

- YOUR NAME IS RICHARD FEYNMAN.

CAN WE BE DONE NOW?

- REMEMBER KATHY?

- NO, THERE WAS NO KATHY AT OUR SCHOOL.

- YEAH, I KNOW. HOW WEIRD IS THAT, RIGHT?

UM, WHAT ABOUT OUR FRENCH TEACHER?

MONSIEUR-- - MADAME LEISNER?

- NOT AFTER THE OPERATION.

- OUI, OUI.

- OKAY, SO YOU DON'T KNOW SCIENTISTS.

FINE.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO DUMB IT DOWN,

BUT I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO GO WITH CELEBRITY VERSION.

OKAY, NOW, WITHOUT SAYING THE NAME...

WHO AM I?

- YOU'RE MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

- I'M NICOLAS SARKOZY?

- PLEASE, THERESA. COME PICK ME UP.

THIS PARTY SUCKS.

- OKAY, IT'S OFFICIAL.

THEY HATE THIS PARTY, AND MAYBE THEY EVEN HATE ME.

- NO, THEY DON'T. I GOT THIS.

- I WAS KIDDING. YOU'RE NOT FIRED.

- HEY, THERESA. NO, EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

HARRISON'S A DELIGHT, BUT I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT.

SEE YOU TOMORROW. I'LL HANG ON TO THIS.

- HEY, GUYS, WHO'S UP FOR ALMOST ICE CREAM?

- THANK GOD. [all cheering]

YEAH, ICE CREAM, EVERYBODY! [laughs]

- SWEET! - YUMMY!

[groans]

TARYN, THIS ISN'T ICE CREAM.

- CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

- THIS IS HORRIBLE. I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.

[all shout] - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

NOT IN THAT! NOT IN THAT!

- SERIOUSLY? IT SAYS, "BARF BUCKET."

- YEAH, IT'S A COLLECTIBLE FROM THE SET OF BRIDESMAIDS.

TARYN, HELP ME. THE BATHROOM.

- OH. OH.

- OKAY, YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LAME WENDELL BASSETT'S PARTY IS.

- DID I SAY LAME? I MEANT AWESOME.

THEY'RE GIVING US ALL IPAD MINIS.

- SERIOUSLY, DUDE.

I'M ABOUT TO POST IT ON FACEBOOK.

PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY THROWING UP.

- BRO, HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS DO YOU HAVE?

NO, NO, NO. I'LL KEEP THIS.

I'LL KEEP THAT. - COME ON, GIVE ME MY PHONE!

- [speaks gibberish mockingly]

- OKAY, GIVE US OUR PHONES, OR WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

- GUYS, WAIT.

THIS PARTY IS YOUR CHANCE

TO GET TO KNOW ME A LITTLE BETTER.

- YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TAKE OUR PHONES.

- GIVE ME MY PHONE! GIVE IT TO ME!

- I WANT TO GO HOME! WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY HERE.

- YEAH, LET'S GO HOME. - YEAH.

all: GO HOME! GO HOME! GO HOME!

- WE DON'T HAVE TO STAY HERE. - YEAH, I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.

- COME ON, GUYS. - LET'S GO.

- [shouting]

JUST BACK, ALL OF YOU,

OR THESE GO RIGHT IN THE TOILET!

- I DON'T THINK HE'S BLUFFING. - DUDE, DON'T.

I HAVEN'T SYNCED IN TWO WEEKS.

- JUST GET BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM,

AND SETTLE DOWN.

I'M WATCHING YOU.

OKAY?

OKAY.

- UNCLE VINNIE, WAIT.

IF THESE GUYS WANT TO GO, JUST LET THEM GO.

I'LL BE OKAY.

I HAVE A STACK OF UNREAD NEW YORKERS,

LIKE, THIS HIGH.

- NO, NO. I CAN FIX THIS.

YOU'LL SEE! THEY'LL ALL SEE!

- I'M STARTING TO THINK

THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN GO TO MY SCHOOL.

- YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I WENT TO THE GIRL'S SCHOOL ACROSS TOWN.

- OUR LADY OF PERPETUAL SORROW?

- YES. YES. GO SORROW.

- WHA--

[stammering] WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME?

- WELL, IT'S EMBARRASSING.

I WANTED TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH YOU,

AND I THOUGHT THE ONLY WAY I COULD DO THAT

WAS TO TELL YOU THAT WE WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL.

- NOW THAT YOU TOLD THE TRUTH,

DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

- I'LL SAY.

YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER THE GIRLS AT PERPETUAL SORROW.

YOU STILL GOT YOUR UNIFORM?

- WE COULD CHECK MY CLOSET. - LET'S DO THAT.

- OKAY, GUYS. YEAH.

SOME CRAP FOR YOU. [boys cheering]

CRAP FOR YOU.

YEAH, IT'S RAINING CRAP! IT'S A CRAP STORM!

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

- VINNIE, YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE THEM SICK.

OKAY, POINT TAKEN. NO WORRIES.

I'M GONNA GO MAKE THE THE RICE CAKES

AND TOFU MALLOW S'MORES.

YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL THEM S'MORES, DON'T YOU?

BECAUSE AFTER YOU EAT ONE, YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE.

- I AM ALONE.

ALL RIGHT. NEW PLAN, EVERYBODY.

THE OLD PLAN WAS JUST A FAKE-OUT.

[laughs] FOOLED YOU!

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU GUYS?

I HAVE, UH...

I HAVE SUPER FOAM BLASTERS!

- SUPER FOAM BLASTERS? - FOAM BLASTERS?

- THAT'S AWESOME! - AWESOME!

- I'M A DIABETIC.

- YES!

RARE, MINT-CONDITION, WOULD MAKE ME A FORTUNE,

BUT WHAT THE HELL, LET'S RIP THEM OPEN FOAM BLASTERS!

all: YEAH!

- WAIT, UNCLE VINNIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- YEAH, HERE'S A NEUTRON BURST.

- SWEET. - ALL RIGHT.

VIOLATOR ANNIHILATOR FOR YOU. - AW!

- THE MIGHTY BOSS BOW.

AND FOR YOU, MAMA'S LITTLE HELPER.

- UNCLE VINNIE, PLEASE.

NO GUNS. I'M A PACIFIST.

SHOULD I SACRIFICE MY TRUE SELF,

THE CORE OF WHO I AM

JUST TO BE POPULAR WITH A BUNCH OF 12-YEAR-OLDS?

- LOOK, I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO CHANGE.

I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO LOOSEN UP.

NOW, I'M GONNA HAND YOU THIS MARSHMALLOW ASSASSIN.

WHAT'S YOUR FUN, CRAZY SIDE TELLING YOU TO DO?

- INCREASE OUR LIABILITY INSURANCE?

[dart whistles]

- LET'S DO THIS.

I DECLARE WAR!

[all shouting]

[darts whistling]

- [screams]

- COME ON, WENDELL! EVERYBODY'S HAVING FUN!

- YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS FUN?

UNSCRATCHED CORNEAS!

[boys shouting]

- [grunts]

YOU MAY TAKE MY FREEDOM,

BUT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY LEATHER SLEEPER SOFA

THAT I'M RENTING TO OWN!

- GET HIM!

[all shouting]

- STOP!

I BROUGHT SAFETY GOGGLES!

JUST STOP BEFORE YOU PUT YOUR EYES OUT!

- OH, COME ON, WENDELL, STOP THINKING ABOUT SAFETY,

AND THINK ABOUT FUN!

- WHY ARE YOU MAKING THOSE TWO THINGS

MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE?

- DANG IT.

- [sniffs] YOU SMELL THAT?

- WASN'T ME.

- NO. I SMELL SMOKE.

[fire alarm beeping]

- [coughs] FIRE!

GUYS, THERE'S A REAL FIRE IN HERE!

- FIRE? - THE KITCHEN'S ON FIRE!

IT'S RUINING ALL THE FOOD I COOKED!

- NO, IT ISN'T.

- FIRE! A FIRE! A REAL FIRE!

- WHAT DO WE DO?

- WAIT. WE KNOW WHAT TO DO.

- I DON'T! I DON'T!

I WASN'T LISTENING!

WHY DON'T I EVER LISTEN?

- SOMEONE CALL 911.

- I CAN DO THAT! I'VE GOT 18 PHONES!

- THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE! LET'S REMEMBER OUR TRAINING!

THAT'S IT. HERE WE GO.

GET GOING. GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

[all coughing]

- WE'RE ON THE FIFTH FLOOR.

WAIT, MY BARF BUCKET!

- FORGET ABOUT IT, UNCLE VINNIE!

IT'S GONE! LET'S GO!

[quirky brass music]

- WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS HOW THE FOOD

IN MR. BASSETT'S APARTMENT GOT BURNED.

- THAT'S THE WAY SHE SERVED IT.

- BYE, WENDELL. YOU WERE GREAT.

I'LL CALL YOU.

- GREAT PARTY. CALL YOU TOMORROW.

- THEY'RE GONNA CALL ME TOMORROW.

- I HEARD.

- BYE, WENDELL. YOU WERE PRETTY BRAVE.

- WELL, I WAS SCARED JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

- DIDN'T SEEM LIKE IT.

GOOD JOB.

- HE PUNCHED ME!

- YOU ARE IN, MAN!

- SO DO I PUNCH HIM BACK, OR DO I KICK HIM, OR WHAT?

- NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE GOOD.

- SO WHO CARES IF I'M NOT A CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL?

I'M STILL FILLED WITH SHAME.

- HEY, MARCO, YOU OKAY?

- IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.

THERE WAS A FIRE. I PUKED IN SOME GUY'S SHOES.

- PUKE IN MY SHOES.

TRUE SIGN OF A GREAT PARTY!

- I'M HERE FOR DAVID.

- FRANK?

FRANK FROM ANNAPOLIS HIGH SCHOOL?

[scoffs] - I'M SORRY?

- IT'S ME, KATHY!

GO PANTHERS!

- YOUR LEG GREW BACK.

- I KNOW. ISN'T SCIENCE AMAZING?

NOW, I GOT A LITTLE INDONESIAN...

- WENDELL, I PROMISED YOU A SLEEPOVER,

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET.

- THANKS, UNCLE VINNIE.

I'M GLAD IT ALL WORKED OUT,

EXCEPT FOR THE FOOD.

- HEY.

- SO, IN YOUR MIND, VOMITING CHILDREN

AND A BURNED-DOWN APARTMENT IS A SUCCESS?

- FINE.

- HEY, WENDELL. HERE'S THE BEST PART.

[chimes jingling]

HUH?

YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO SLEEP UNDER THE STARS, RIGHT?

- THAT'S PRETTY COOL.

- WOW. - YEAH.

- YOU REALIZE, OF COURSE, THAT IT'S ALL BACKWARDS, RIGHT?

- OH, MY GOD. HOW CAN YOU EVEN TELL?