Original subtitles

It is not true, although culture claims the opposite,

that the only purpose of sex is procreation.

It also serves to give pleasure.

And nature, which is wiser than culture,

in order to encourage people to procreate,

has linked this duty to sexual pleasure.

Without it, it is practically impossible to fulfil the first.

TINTO BRASS Presents

THE LADYBIRD

The towel is the blue one, do you remember?

Yes, yes, thank you.

Take your time, as if you were at your place.

If you need anything, just call me.

No, thank you.

If only I'd thought about it.

I should have left a girlie magazine in the bathroom.

Well, maybe I'll find one... Let's see.

What do I have here - Bella, Tutto Uncinetto, I don't think so.

What about this one, "lo Vorrei Essere La" by Giandomenico Curi. No.

Mani Di Fata... Well, maybe Amica.

Would a magazine like Amica help?

Amica? What is it?

No, thank you.

Fair enough. What would he do with a magazine like that?

Although it contains some nice adverts of women in underwear.

Let's have a look.

I can't do it like that.

I can't do it like that.

Well, is there anything else I can do?

- I don't think so. - Sorry for asking such a stupid thing.

- May 1? - Please.

They made it grey.

But why? Tell me that.

I wouldn't know.

- You see, madam... - Call me Livia.

Well, Livia, you see, I am a painter.

I'm not famous. I just get by.

But for me, colours are everything. Colours are life.

I live by colours. Every situation has its colour.

This grey gets me down. That's it.

I'm sorry.

Who says a sperm container should not be coloured?

Why can't they be red, pink, fuchsia?

Fuchsia would be perfect.

You might be right.

- The shape could be different. - Sorry?

Well, because of its use, it could have a shape a little bit more...

- Let's not exaggerate. - No, I meant something more appropriate.

Let's face it, it looks like a rubbish bin.

In miniature. Sorry, it was a stupid thing to say. I didn't mean it.

Look, your husband hasn't arrived yet.

Maybe I'll give it another try.

It's impossible.

I was happy to accept your husband's invitation to visit you,

to chat, have a drink together.

But I had no idea I would have to do this "thing" here, in your house.

- What if we paint it? - Paint what?

- Well, this, of course. - Paint the container?

- It might help you. - Come off it.

You said that everything has its colour.

I was referring to paintings, not little dustbins.

- You said grey gets you down. - I was speaking figuratively.

Imagine if I paint this thing hoping that somehow...maybe...

I feel stupid.

Come on, lighten up. Just do it for fun.

I should have a paintbox, I bought it for my niece but she left it here.

I guess she's not into painting.

Here, they're new.

Now express yourself, choose a colour - red, pink, fuchsia, polka dots.

- Do you like green? - Yes, but you are the one who has to...

Bright green is perfect.

Why don't you draw a lush green landscape?

- Why don't I put Santa in as well? - Hey!

Just kidding. But why not, if you like it?

Draw a ladybird, or rather two.

- Ladybirds? - They're aphrodisiac.

- Ladybirds? - Yes.

I didn't know either. I read it somewhere, I don't remember now.

They must have done some experiments, some tests.

- Here! - You don't like green?

- I don't like the whole idea. - Did I offend...

Well, yes. You think that ladybirds can turn me on?

- Why not? - Excuse me,

but I didn't imagined myself in the bathroom looking at ladybirds.

Your husband went to get a Cuba libre and disappeared.

I've had enough. I don't understand anything any more.

I don't need a Cuba libre and I don't need ladybirds!

Then you tell me what you want!

I don't know, a certain ambience, a certain kind of music.

I was hoping not to use it.

- Will this work? - It always has.

Shall I put the stereo in the bathroom?

No, just turn the volume up.

Can I start the music?

Just a moment.

OK, play it.

B! Side B!

Side B. Oh, no!

GYPSY WOMEN

Is it working?

Is it working?

Are you getting anywhere?

If you'd help me, instead of asking questions.

Do you want me to turn the volume up?

Why don't you try to move like Kim Basinger?

Well, then I have to be in the kitchen.

No, it's fine where you are.

I'll look through the keyhole.

How's it going?

Ah, my husband.

Sorry for interrupting your party, miss.

We wanted to leave you a copy of our publication, The Tower Of Jesus.

We are Jehovah's Witnesses.

I'm sorry, but I'm busy, and I can't waste my time.

We'll come back when she's less busy.

She seemed a bit aroused. Let's go downstairs.

So, is everything all right?

You made it. White smoke signal.

No.

Then I turn the music off.

Yes, I think so.

- And now what do we do? - When I draw...

What happens?

I get aroused. It's a different kind of excitement, an artistic excitement.

Why didn't you tell me before? Come on, draw.

- It was just an example. - Well, if it works...

- I didn't... - Let's not waste time. You never know.

I can't guarantee anything. I'm not a sperm expert.

That's obvious, otherwise you wouldn't need all this help.

I don't need any help. Normally I have great...

I perfectly understand. I told my husband it wasn't a good idea.

It's not so easy to let yourself go in front of a stranger.

And to be honest, to meet my sperm donor personally,

well, it embarrassed me a little...

even if I seem relaxed.

I'm almost there. I don't want to tempt fate,

but I think I'll give it a try.

- The container! - Thanks.

- Good luck. - Thank you!

So? Is it a white smoke signal?

No, black.

I can't believe it. There must be a way!

- I don't know what else to do. - There must be a way to make you co...

to fill up the container.

- Veronique. - Is she your girlfriend?

No, but she could make it happen.

Sorry, I don't follow.

- She is a 166. - A 166.

You mean a chatline girl. Brilliant idea. Why didn't you tell me before? Call her.

I can't. She doesn't start till midnight.

What if I give it a go?

You? But do you know how to do it?

Well, I learnt one or two tricks from the TV. Here.

Follow me.

Hello, what's your name?

My name is llario.

At last, I missed you so much. Where are you?

I can't tell you.

Are you ready for another wild night?

Are you holding it?

Let me guide you. I'll take care of everything. You just relax.

I'll do everything.

Close your eyes. Relax. Just think of me.

I am completely naked on this huge bed. And I'll make you fly.

It's a real pity you're not here with me.

I'm wearing a pair of stockings which I'm sure you'd like.

Let me hear your voice, come on.

Come on, naughty boy, are you touching yourself?

I know you are.

Tell me where you are. Where are you?

I'm here.

Well?

I can't.

Never mind.

I told my husband it wouldn't work.

Maybe it's my fault too.

No, it is not your fault.

So much has happened today. It's been hell.

It's like having a switch going on and off,

on and off.

I just hope it doesn't go haywire.

Here we go again.

It's switching on.

I don't know what to do.

I'm scared. Help me.

Do it there. Do it on the armchair.

- How? - You said the bathroom depresses you.

- I can't do it in front of you. - I won't look. Just go for it.

You are crazy and I am even crazier.

Don't lose concentration.

I'm not!

- I can't do it. I just can't. - Let me do it.

- What are you doing? - War is war.

- What if your husband comes back? - He's in Cuba. It's a matter of principle.

- Can I get the container? - Please.

Was it so difficult?

- It fell down. - I can see it.

- Follow me. - Do you think it's a switch?

Just follow me. Don't lose concentration.

- I'm not. - Yes, you are, I can tell.

I can't open it. I need my strength down there.

- Here we are. - Yes, but down here you are not ready.

- What are you doing? - I'm helping myself.

- You hold the container. - OK.

- It fell again. - I can see it.

- Will you pick it up? - Yes. Excuse me.

Here we go. Careful. Now!

Come on. We are almost there.

- Yes, I can feel it. - Come on, come on!