Original subtitles

KURTAN: And this is it!

REV FRANCIS: Ah.

Look, one- and two-bed flats still available.

Yeah, so basically, it's gonna be a new housing development built here,

which is really exciting.

And it's funny cos you was protesting against all that last year.

Yeah, I was dead against it last year,

but then I applied to move into one of the new flats

and I'm close to getting approved, so...sort of all for it now, really.

The start of a new era. How exciting, Kurtan.

Yeah. The one thing I'm most excited about

is being allowed to have friends come over to the new flat,

cos you'll come over, won't you, Vicar?

Yes, yes, absolutely.

Yeah, I'll be coming over to the new flat.

Yeah, as long as you wear one of them plastic bibs that catches all the food.

Well, that can be arranged.

Yeah, all right. Yeah, that works for me.

REV FRANCIS: No, I haven't actually told Kerry and Kurtan yet that I'm leaving.

I've been trying to find the right moment but it's all been rather full-on.

Er, I actually just played my last game for the cricket club on Saturday.

(CHEERING)

Sorry, chaps. Did you see that?

It was a demon ball. It...it really moved off the seam.

- It moved a hell of a lot. - Bloody useless!

But, er, yes, it's full steam ahead getting ready for Bristol.

Polly's been packing up the house while I've been tying up all the loose ends here

and, er, on top of it all

we're right in the middle of preparations for the harvest festival.

We've got a Heinz!

Yeah, harvest is coming up, which I'm absolutely buzzed about.

Heinz, Heinz, wherever you may be

I am the Lord of the Heinz says she and the...

KERRY: Er, Vicar's asked me to help out,

er, because the other volunteers are a bunch of emotional vampires

and they just, like, drain the energy out of it.

Oh, when the Heinz... June!

Goes marching in!

Oh, when the Heinz...

Oh, come on, June.

When the Heinz goes marching in! Take it away, June!

Wanna be

ALL: In that number...

KERRY: Yes!

When the Heinz goes marching in!

And this is why I do harvest festival.

Cos of the atmosphere.

Arthur is lord of the harvest, it's a bit of a village tradition.

Er, basically his job is to, like, organise all the donations and that.

Um, he's been lord of the harvest

every year since 1972 but, quite frankly, he hasn't been giving a fuck since 2003.

Do you know how many boxes we've got sorted so far?

No, how many?

Well, you should know, you're lord of the harvest, mate.

Yeah, he doesn't do anything, he just gets everybody else to work for him.

Er, but when the Gazette comes, he's bang right in the middle of the photo

with a giant marrow, grinning like he's Bob fuckin' Geldof.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Hello, Kerry. How are you? - Hello. Yeah, I'm good.

- Do you wanna come in? - Now an all right time?

- Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Vicar's here. - KURTAN: Ah, Vicar!

- Ah, Kurtan, you're here too. - Just going through paints.

- Ah. - KERRY: Yeah, very dull.

- Great. - Quick question for you.

Er, kitchen colour, Teal Tension or Mellow Sage?

Mm, I think sage is a nice calm colour for a kitchen.

Me and you are very much the same.

What?!

What?!

Vicar!

- What are you here for? - Just a chat, really.

Just a chat, really!

Er, no, thank you, Sue, but thanks all the same, I'm fine.

He's fine!

Um, I think the darker.

What?!

He's fine, he doesn't want one!

What?!

He doesn't want one!

Shall we... shall we go through to the living room?

Yeah.

Just wanna have a chat with you about something, if that's all right?

- Yeah, sure. - Yeah.

Looking smart.

- Oh, thank you very much. - Very smart.

New threads.

Um, you know I went to Bristol to see Jacob?

BOTH: Yeah.

Well, that wasn't the only reason I was there.

I also met the archbishop.

- Mm. - Right.

Yes, I met him to discuss me moving parish...to Bristol.

Right. And what does that mean?

Well, it would mean I would be leaving the village

to take up a new parish in Bristol.

Leaving the village? Why?

I just feel it's a good time for a new challenge.

KERRY: I think that's a really bad idea.

Yeah, that... that seems utter madness to me.

Look, look, I know it won't be easy but...

my job is not to stay comfortable,

and much as I love it here with you all, um, I need to help people.

I don't quite know what to say to that.

But you... you've got everything you need here.

Who's decided this?

Well, it's... it's the archbishop who decides it...

- The archbishop? - ...but it...but also with my...

Who even is the archbishop?

I've never heard of the archbishop before until today.

Then you're... you're dancing to the sound of his flute.

If the archbishop told you to kick a dog in the face, would you?

No, but if he asked me to change parish, then yes, I would.

(EXHALES) That's terrifying.

You're like a Sims character to the archbishop.

He can pick you up and plonk you down wherever he likes you.

- Yeah. - You just go along with it?

KURTAN: What...what about us?

- What are we gonna do? - Yeah.

Well, I think you're both mature enough for me to go.

No, we're not. Especially her.

I am me and I know I am not mature, am I?

- She's not mature. - Well, I think you are mature.

- I'm not. - What about Len?

You just gonna leave Len to shrivel up and die?

Len will be fine.

No, he might be fine in the body, he's not in the head.

He's one of these people that when somebody he loves leaves...

- BOTH: ...they die. - Look, look, things will continue

because there will be a handover to a new vicar and I will make sure that you...

I don't want a new vicar. Did you want a new vicar?

No, I don't want a new vicar.

Well, then, let's not have a new vicar.

Look, I know it's not easy to hear this...

- Here's a deal. - ...and it's a bit sooner...

You can have your little parish in Bristol or whatever,

but you stay in the village here to live and you just commute to Bristol.

- That's a fair deal. - That's very fair.

That is fair, you've gotta give it to him.

Look, much as I would love to stay in the village,

and I really would, um, it... commuting just isn't practical,

so I'm afraid I'm in no position to negotiate.

(KERRY AND KURTAN SCOFF)

Well, do you know what? I've seen this coming for a long time, actually.

I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner, you know.

Your ability to just drop everything like it never mattered or existed

is baffling and actually you're good at it

and you've turned it into an art form and we walked right into that.

Pulling the wool over our eyes since the very first day you got here.

Well, do you know what? Good luck with it all. Hope it works out for you.

Kerry, do you wanna say anything?

Did you know about this as well?

Is this all a thing that's been going on for a long time?

- Just leave it, Kurtan, come on. - No.

- Just go. - We can have it out now.

- Come on. - Let down by the lot of you.

REV FRANCIS: I knew they would find it hard hearing the news, but

hopefully, over time, they'll be able to process this news

and understand why I've made the decision I made.

I would rather kill him than let another parish have him.

I wholeheartedly agree with that.

If we can't have him, then I don't want anyone to have him.

I don't even want his family to have him.

If he thinks this is gonna be all hugs and kisses and fare-thee-wells,

then he's lost the plot, cos we ain't gonna make it easy for him.

No way.

Yeah, especially when he's just prepared to piss everything up the wall

like a piss artist.

He has no idea what Bristol's like.

He thinks it's gonna be all lollipops and candy lanes -

well, it's not, it's all just smackheads and knife crime.

And Clifton Suspension Bridge.

But when you've driven over that once, you've driven over that a thousand times.

Just noticed there's a slight discrepancy in numbers of tinned soups.

I don't know if you've noticed that.

(DOOR BANGS)

Ah, Kerry, I was hoping I'd see you here.

Yeah, well, I'm only here to hand in the pasta twirls

and also hand in my resignation regarding - RE - harvest.

And I'd like to CC you into this as well, June.

REV FRANCIS: Ah, right, well, that's a shame, Kerry.

Yeah, it is a shame but, er, in light of recent toxic friends

emerging from the shadows, I feel I no longer have a choice in the matter.

Well, well, actually there was something

I was hoping I'd be able to talk to you about, if you've got a moment?

Well, quickly, because I feel I've already left this situation emotionally.

I'll be really quick. Do you wanna just pop over here?

So, er, there was an unfortunate incident with Arthur,

which I won't go into now, but it means I needed to talk to you about something.

- What about Arthur? - There was an incident,

but like I said, I'd rather not get into it.

What did he do?

It...it was more what he said.

What did he say?

He made an odious comment to June.

What did he say to June?

- I'd rather not repeat it. - Just say.

(SIGHS) Well, OK. He...he said,

"Crows belong in a field, not in the Cotswold village hall,"

and she was very, very upset.

That's actually quite witty for Arthur.

Well, as a result, Arthur is no longer lord of harvest

and has been expelled from the committee altogether.

Yeah, well, about time, I say.

So I was wondering if that was something you might be interested in.

- What? The lord of the harvest? - Yes.

- What, me being lord of the harvest? - Yes.

I'll think about it, sure.

Well, if you're in two minds, I can always ask June.

- Hang on. - She'll be fine with it...

I've thought about it, and seeing as no-one else is stepping up to the mark,

yes, I begrudgingly accept.

Oh, Kerry, that's wonderful, thank you.

But can I just say, I'm quite frankly appalled that this didn't happen sooner.

- Right. - But not so appalled

that I won't take the title,

- but appalled none the same. - Understood.

Right! New lord, new harvest.

June, what you got for me?

KERRY: All right?

KURTAN: All right?

Thought you lot would be here.

- Did you see the bald snake? - Yeah.

And how is he?

Seems all right, seems fine.

(KERRY GROANS)

Do you think he realises how much of a laughing stock he's gonna be in Bristol?

He's a laughing stock here.

Do you know what they say about him at the...at the cricket club?

No, what?

They say the only runs the Vicar gets is in his cricket whites.

And that's from elderly village residents, Ker, not from Bristol wiseguys.

Yeah, that's scary.

- They'll skin him alive in Bristol. - Mm.

Do you know what? I've actually washed my hands with him now.

- Yeah? - I don't want anything to do with him.

Yeah, I wish I could do that an' all.

Well, what do you mean you can't?

Well, I can't because our paths are gonna sort of cross, unfortunately,

me being lord of the harvest now and that...

- ...but...what can you do? - What? Hang on. What?

Who made you lord of the harvest?

Well, the crown sort of fell on me head, as it were.

Oh...my...God.

The puppet master strikes again.

The Vicar asked you, didn't he?

Well, he just sort of said, you know, Arthur's not doing it any more...

What, and you said yes?

Well, yeah! Because who else is gonna do it?

You know, you can't just go around cancelling harvest, Kurtan.

- Oh, my... - That would be mad.

That man has no shame and he's just fobbing you off, Ker,

cos he knows you're as thick as compacted pig shit.

Wow!

Kurtan!

That's the lord of the harvest you're talking to.

A bit of respect would be nice.

Where are you going?

Vicar has made Kerry lord of the harvest cos he is a master manipulator.

He's a game player, OK?

And he gets off on it. He's like Jigsaw in the Saw films.

You know, he wants you to think he's got a good moral compass

but in reality he's just a sick fuck

who gets off on watching you scoop your own eyeballs out

to get a key to unlock your chains.

And then you think you're free and he comes in riding on a little trike going,

"Let's play another game."

But I ain't playing it.

No, thank you. Not for me.

REV FRANCIS: Well, yes, I've got, er, Nick coming down for a chat today.

- Nick! Hello! - Oh, Francis, how are you?

Er, he's a vicar from a neighbouring parish

to the one I'm taking on in Bristol.

Er, he wanted to see me to... to make sure we're on the same page

for when I take over.

I mean, the problem is always, what do you spend your money on?

Yes.

I did ask if it could wait till I was there,

but he's keen to get the ball rolling.

Tell me, er, what it is you do here.

Er, well, um, so, I guess, er, I'm... I'm always keen on trying to think

of new initiatives to bring community together and such.

All right. Great. Well, what sort of things?

Well, for instance, we...we recently started a river walks initiative,

which basically involves doing a weekly walk along the river bank.

Yeah, yeah.

Ah, what else? Oh, um, we... we recently had,

er, a very successful Fly Me To The Moon event,

which involved about seven kids making and launching stomp rockets,

which was fun but educational as well.

Right.

Sorry, I'm just waffling on.

I mean, what about you?

I mean, what works in Bristol?

Er, well, the initiative

that's probably been the most successful was the, er, needle exchange.

Oh, right, well, we do a similar thing here actually, it's very popular.

- Really? - Yes, more with the older women.

Er, I say, I didn't know you had so many needle felters in Bristol.

Just realised we're not talking about the same type of needles.

No.

Er, yes, I think I may have underestimated the job in Bristol,

er, and certainly talking to Nick has given me pause for thought.

I hope I've made the right decision.

We've had huge cuts to policing, we've had huge cuts to mental health provision.

And, er, we're expected to pick up the slack.

Yes, yes, of course.

I mean, when I joined the church 20 years ago,

I never dreamed I'd hear of vicars wearing stab vests.

Oh, no. Goodness...goodness me, no.

KERRY: Oh, yea!

Oh, yea! Collecting for a harvest.

Don't draw your curtains. I know that you're in, Carol!

Go behind me like this.

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hello. - Oh, hiya there.

Um, I don't know if you've heard about a little scheme that we're doing.

It's called harvest. Er, you heard there's a new lord of the harvest in town?

That's me, and just knocking door to door collecting non-perishable goods.

This is exactly the sort of thing the lord of the harvest should be doing.

You know, getting in amongst your people, collecting the taxes thyself.

Er, and if the harvest doesn't come to you, you gotta go out to the harvest.

And if needs must, be a little bit pushy with harvest.

Tins, tins, tins,

tins, tins, tins, tins...

Yeah, don't want that.

- Thank you for supporting the harvest. - OK.

KERRY: The lord of the harvest since 1972

would just sit in his ivory tower, like Prince Philip,

and he wouldn't get out amongst his people, so nobody...

everybody was so scared of him that, what I do,

I'm like a Princess Diana, I'm a Meghan Markle, I get out amongst my people.

I kiss babies on the head, you know, I shake people's hands.

I'm up for cutting ribbons on, you know, new businesses, bakeries,

er, little coffee shops.

Because I am the people.

But I'm also higher than them because I have the hat.

REV FRANCIS: Yes, I am worried about how Kurtan's doing.

He's a little more internal than Kerry

so I...I thought I'd take a quick look at his Facebook page,

as he can be more vocal on there,

and there were a couple of posts that concerned me a bit.

So, yes, there was this one.

"Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the one person

"you thought would never hurt you," which, sadly, I think is about me.

And then, er, there's this one.

"Don't get all depressed over a vicar from your past.

"That's like being sad because the garbageman picked up the trash,"

which I'm pretty sure is also about me.

Yes, it's upsetting to think of leaving the village on bad terms,

er, but it is slightly out of my hands.

- Hello, Kurtan. - You all right?

- How are you? - Yeah, fine.

Ah, great. Well, I was just popping around to give you this.

Oh, right. What is it? What is it?

It's just a little house-warming gift for your new flat.

It's, um, it's a waffle maker cos I... I know how much you love your waffles.

Oh, right, yeah.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) So, um, how are you?

Yeah, yeah, fine.

Haven't seen you for a bit.

No, just, yeah, just... just been busy doing stuff.

Is there anything else? Cos I'm just gonna...

Er, oh, I meant to say, if, um, if you need any more help

with the housing application, it's still just in its final stages, isn't it?

- Oh, no, it's fine. - I can...

- You can pop round. - No, no.

- Are you sure you don't...? - No, it's OK.

OK, well, um...

- All right, well, thanks for that. - Yeah, well, you're very...

- OK, thanks. - See you later.

Thanks, Kurtan.

KURTAN: He fuckin' pisses me off, cos if I knew how upset I'd be

when he was gonna leave,

I would never have got involved with him in the first place.

He's like Andy from Toy Story.

He should've just sat all his toys down from the start and said,

"Look, guys, at some point I will grow out of all you lot

"and that's the way it's gonna be.

"Cos when I'm in my 20s, I'm not gonna wanna be sat in my room

"playing with Woody and Buzz,

"I wanna go out clubbing, doing ket, shaggin' birds."

"So whatever your plans are for the future, just don't include me in them."

And all the toys would've been like, "Wow, that fuckin' hurts,

"but at least we know where we stand, thanks for being honest."

REV FRANCIS: Er, yes, it's, er, been very busy and obviously

there's still a lot of unfinished business.

I do feel that time is escaping me a little.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Oh, hello, June.

Vicar, we really need to talk about your hollyhocks.

Mm, what about them?

Well, they've shed their petals all over the path

and they're going brown and it looks rather unsightly.

I haven't really had a moment, but once I've finished here I'll sort it, OK?

And will you be clearing the Japanese knotweed on the vicarage before you go

or will you just leave it to riddle the brickwork for the next vicar?

Because I'm not sure if that's fair.

Look, June, I've had rather a lot on.

Yes, but remember, you're not in Bristol yet.

I'm well aware of that, June. Thank you.

Super Noodles, yes, please.

Yeah, people have been pretty generous so far.

I mean, I really wouldn't be surprised

if this was the most bountiful harvest that was ever harvested

and, you know, I'm pretty sure as well that I will go down in history

as the greatest lord that's ever lorded the harvest.

Vicar! Look at the haul that me and Pork Chop got.

Where did you get all this from? There's a hell of a lot of electricals here.

Oh, just going door to door.

Kerry, that's really not in the spirit of harvest.

Why I can't I trust you to do anything without taking it to the extreme?

Cos it's for a good cause.

Where did you get this waffle maker from?

Oh, Kurtan donated that.

I bought this for Kurtan for his new flat.

Yeah, he said he didn't need it.

What do you mean?

Er, cos he's not gonna bother with a flat.

What?

Yeah, he said, "What's the point?"

- Where did I put that? - Oh, that's just brilliant.

To think I could've been of any use in Bristol when I can't even help here. Hmm.

Right, I want, er...

...everything here taken back right now.

What, even the tins?

Of course not the tins - stop being so bloody churlish!

- JUNE: Vicar... - It's getting really boring, June!

What the fuck?

Did you just see that? The Vicar's lost it.

I never ever seen him like that before, like he properly...

There was one minute where I thought he was gonna spark out June.

She was stood there shaking like that.

But, yeah, I...I think he's gonna bottle going Bristol...

...which is good.

I, er, I thought I was ready to leave the village but, um...

...I think it's all just a big mistake.

Things here are falling apart.

Kurtan's given up his flat. I'm shouting at June.

I'm clearly not the right person for this Bristol job.

I've never seen the back of someone's head look so sad.

- Yeah? - It was really funny.

Sounds funny.

It was.

Sounds it.

The thing about the Vicar is that he believes in everyone else,

but he doesn't believe in himself.

And as soon as he gets a bit of self-doubt in his head, it eats away at him.

So I know if we lay just one more guilt trip on him,

he'll crumble like a Jenga in a hurricane.

And he will forget about Bristol and leaving the village

and everything will just go back to normal, which is all I really want.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yeah, fuck it, let's do it.

But one thing that I have learnt from the Vicar

is that sometimes the thing you want isn't necessarily the right thing to do.

Vicar? Can we have a word?

REV FRANCIS: Yes, of course, come in.

Is everything OK?

You know you've gotta go, don't you, Vicar?

Yeah? You're gonna be great.

- He's crying. - I hope so.

I just hope they realise what they've got.

Yeah...cos you're a legend.

- Oh. - But you are annoying as well.

Really annoying, and you've really gotta pluck them hairs from the top of your nose

cos that's gonna really wind everyone up.

- Yes, I know. - Yeah?

Thank you, Kerry. Thank you, Kurtan.

Oh.

You wearing Jean Paul Gaultier, Vicar?

Yeah.

Smells really nice.

Thanks.

KURTAN: Well, I don't want him to go, believe me,

but I know there's people out there that need him more than we do.

The village won't be the same without him.

But we've gotta set him free now.

Yeah, cos it's exactly like when Swindon sold Sam Parkin to Ipswich Town, you know.

We lost one of our finest ever strikers that day.

We did, yeah, but he had to go, you know, he was restless.

He had to leave to progress his career

and the very least we could do was grant him his transfer request

after years of exceptional service he gave to the club.

And, yeah, he did fail at Ipswich,

cos ultimately, he was massively out of his depth.

His career just nose-dived after that, but...

...I'm sure the same won't happen to you, though, Vicar.

Of course it'll be sad to go, but it's the right time to leave.

(INHALES) I just needed a push in the right direction.

The village has been a wonderful home,

but above all, it'll be the people I miss.

- You all right? - Oh, hello, Mandy. How are you?

- You leaving, are you? - Er, yes. Yes, I am, sadly.

Well, good luck with it all. It's never really worked out for you here, has it?

Well, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time here...

- Yeah, see you later. - Yes, thank you, Mandy.

The thing about living in the village is that people come and people go...

...but the Vicar has done so much here

that a part of him will always be in the village.

- See ya. - See ya.

Bye!

- KERRY: Bye. - KURTAN: Behave yourself.

(HORN BEEPS)

KERRY: You know, a very wise man once said,

"Wherever I roam, this place will always be my home."

Yeah.

Who said that?

John McCririck...

...talking about Cheltenham Racecourse.

He can't have lived at Cheltenham Racecourse, though, surely?

No, but he was there a lot.

They had a Premier Inn that was just outside the racecourse,

that he was just booked in constantly.

He'd just turn up and wouldn't have to phone and book in advance,

he'd just turn up and they'd go, "Oh, John, room's ready."

Makes sense.

- KERRY: Oh, that's my house there, look. - KURTAN: Yeah.

That's where my new flat's gonna be - over there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, look, Rob Robinson's farm, up there, look.

Who's that?

Rob Robinson.

Who's Rob Robinson?

- Are you joking? - No.

Rob Robinson - the guy who was in our class in Year Seven for, like, two weeks

and then totally disappeared off the face of the Earth.

I went on that whole quest to find out what happened to him.

- Did you? - Yeah, for, like, a week.

Don't remember that.

These lot were there, they filmed the whole thing.

Well, I've never watched this.

You...you've never watched the documentary that you're in?

No.

Not really my sort of thing.

- How can you not remember? - I think you've lost the plot, mate.

How have you forgotten him twice?