Original subtitles

MAN ON TV: I've been waiting for this one. He keeps on about it on GMTV, you know.

I know. He makes me laugh, though, Lee.

Scary Spice were your favourite Spice, wasn't she?

Yeah. I loved her cos she were from Leeds...

This is mental, because they're watching TV,

and I'm watching them watch TV....

...and whoever's watching this

is watching me

watching them watch TV.

TV: I was just born when they split in 2000, the first time around.

Yeah, so I wasn't even born when they split up,

so they must be outdated now.

And if this ends up on an episode of Gogglebox,

I'll be watching them

watching me

watching them

watch TV of me.

TV: ...But that's the way of young television -

how many people she slept with.

KERRY: I can't think about that any more, that's gonna make my head explode.

(WOMAN HUMS HAPPILY)

So, Dad came out of prison,

like, two, three weeks ago

and he didn't have anywhere to stay,

so Mum said he could stay here

if he did a bit of DIY around the house and that.

(HUMMING CONTINUES)

And she's sort of been...

...singing ever since.

(SINGING TUNELESSLY)

All he's done is put up a loo-roll holder.

The only DIY Martin's doing is drilling Sue eight inches deep

into her memory foam.

He's porking her out big time, that's why she's so happy.

I can hear 'em at it, like a pair of greasy buffalos,

and I live three streets away.

And either Kerry is in massive denial about the whole thing,

or when she sleeps she wears industrial earplugs.

Budge up.

UKTV, London's Burning.

- (GROANS) - Time Team's about to start.

Nah, London's Burning.

KERRY: It's nice seeing my mum and dad getting back together,

er, it's just sort of adjusting

to having three people in the house now.

Er, but it's fine.

Er, it's just my dad's a bit of a night owl,

and he really likes to play, like, deer-hunting simulation games,

and the only computer in the house is in my room.

Um, so it's just a bit of a shock, er,

when you're woken up at, like, 3am

by the sounds of, like, gunfire

and computerised elk sort of screaming in agony.

But other than that, it's working well.

(TV ON)

Why do you wanna watch that Time Team rubbish anyhow?

You know it's fake.

Yeah, Tony Robinson just blacks up a few old coins,

drops them in the trench when no-one's looking.

No, I haven't actually seen Martin

since he's been back in the village.

Er, I've been flitting about like the first swallow of spring.

Er, I've actually been working with Len, er,

helping him get back on his feet.

Um, a few weeks ago,

he hit rock bottom, and I stepped in,

and we've literally, er, had to start from scratch.

But the progress he's made has been fantastic.

Here he is.

Come on, come in, come on.

Wow, who's this handsome young man?

Len.

Len's been staying with me temporarily until the council find him

some new accommodation.

But we got him scrubbed up, a change of clothes, new attitude.

Oh, we...we had a bit of a rocky patch at the start, though, didn't we, Len?

- No. - Yes.

You...you were a little bit rude to Polly for the first few days, weren't you?

No, I weren't.

Oh, OK. Well, we'll agree to disagree on that.

But everyone's getting on well now, which is great.

People think that being alone makes you lonely,

but I don't think that's true.

Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.

I hope you're not thinking of Polly when you say that, Len.

REV FRANCIS: I've also enrolled Len into a computer club every Wednesday

called Silver Surfers,

which he's really enjoying.

Er, it's a weekly session

where we teach older members of the village computer skills,

hence Silver Surfers.

Er, I came up with the name, yes. I was quite proud of that.

Can...can I...?

Can I get onto Safari?

Well, what's wrong with Internet Explorer?

KURTAN: Yeah, I've been helping out at Silver Surfers.

Er, it works out quite well

cos, er, Vicar needs my help to teach people the computer,

and I need access to the internet to make my memes.

Er, basically, Nan unplugged the Wi-Fi here

because she reckons the electromagnetic waves

are making me infertile. (SIGHS)

And she's desperate for great-grandchildren.

So where are the e-mails on this, then?

So, well, this is Facebook,

- so it's a completely different thing. - Oi, Len!

They're not the same? What?

You know they don't deliver e-mails on a Sunday?

- Arthur, please. - They don't what?

They don't deliver e-mails on a Sunday, Len.

What? Do they not?

- Don't-Don't-Don't rise to it. - What, is he?

A digital dinosaur or what?

Listen, right?

Stop winding up Len

or I'll tell the vicar about your internet search history.

What?

"Big jugs" ring any bells?

Yeah, I need big jugs to hold me orchids up straight.

So what do you need a shaved fanny for, then?

MARTIN: You know, the best thing you could've done was dob me in.

KERRY: Really?

Yeah, I had a lot of thinking time inside.

And I wanna make up for lost time.

That's really nice, Da.

Because the way I treated you was absolutely disgusting, Ker.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Cos I remember you coming down the house...

Yeah.

...and you'd knock on the door...

Yeah.

...and I'd look out the window, and my heart would sink.

Now, I'm just being honest with you, telling you the truth, Ker.

Yeah, thanks...

...for that, Dad.

Yeah, I think my dad's changed since he's come out of prison.

Um, he's more honest,

maybe even a tad too honest, if I'm honest.

- And I remember when you was born... - Honestly,

you don't have to say any more,

- it's just water under the bridge. - No, no, it's important.

(WHISPERS) OK...

And your mother left the room to get a breath of fresh air...

...and I was standing over your little crib...

...listening to you snore...

KERRY: Aw.

...hovering the pillow over your face.

Not that I would've.

Yeah, yeah.

But I could've. You know what...

- You know what I'm talking about, yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, God, that feels good, getting that off my chest.

KERRY: Yeah.

REV FRANCIS: So, how are you, Kerry?

KERRY: Yeah, fine.

Yeah, good. Um, I heard your dad moved back in. How's that been going?

Yeah, it's really good.

Oh, that's excellent.

- How have you been doing? - Yeah, good.

- Len still staying at yours with you? - Yes. Yes, he is.

Hypothetically, right, um, if I needed a place to stay,

do you think you'd kick out Len because we're sort of closer mates?

- Just sort of hypothetically speaking. - Um...

Because I can give him a call, er, if it's too awkward for you.

I'll just phone him up and go, er, "Really sorry, Len,

"unfortunately, the vicar's found asbestos in the walls.

"Also, you've gotta get out now.

"So, do you...do you mind picking up all your belongings and getting out?"

- Kerry... - "Within the hour..."

- Kerry. - "...would be great."

Kerry, is there a problem at home?

No, I just fancy a new house. Is that so...is that such a crime?

- Jeez! - No, all I'm saying is,

look, these things...

...these things can be difficult to talk about,

but, like I've always said, and we've always said,

you can't hide from a problem

and it's so much better to address it,

so do you wanna talk about it?

Well, it's sort of difficult to explain

because I'm a bit confused myself, in a way, I suppose.

I understand. I'm...I'm here to listen.

Why don't you try me?

Right.

Have you ever seen the kids' programme Bodger And Badger?

- Do you remember that? - Oh, yes. (CHUCKLES)

- Yeah? - I think so, years ago, yeah.

- So, those two are funny, ain't they? - Yep.

And I think it works because they sort of

- balance each other out, in a way. - Mm.

Because you can't have two Badgers,

because the place would just be covered in mashed potato

and no-one's paying the rent,

as you can't have two Bodgers,

because nothing funny would ever happen

and that place would be utterly soulless.

Sorry, I'm not quite following you.

Right, so my mum's Bodger.

Right.

And I'm Badger.

- And your dad is...? - He's also a Badger.

- So a Bodger can't have two Badgers? - No, not at all,

because there's not enough mashed potato to go around.

Yes, I can see how that would be a problem.

So what do I do?

(SIGHS) Well...

I think you need to talk to Bodger.

I don't think he'd wanna get involved.

- I mean your mum. - Oh.

Right, yeah.

Right, why don't you just talk to her, Kerry?

Tell her how you're feeling about the whole situation,

and then who knows?

Maybe you can come to some sort of an arrangement.

Yeah, I suppose.

- Mm? - OK.

REV FRANCIS: Yes, it's, er...

Well, it's funny how the world works sometimes -

you can wish for something and then, when it finally happens,

it's not quite what you expected. (CHUCKLES)

Like, er, well, for instance, I...I used to be a huge Paul Merton fan.

I always wanted to meet him.

Then, one day, er, I found myself sitting opposite him on the train

from Didcot to London.

And I...I heard him whisper very loudly to his agent...

(SIGHS)

"...The boiled egg in the dog collar keeps smiling at me.

"This is why we need to go first class, Derek."

(SIGHS)

Mum?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Thanks!

Yeah, I was thinking of talking to Mum about Dad.

But what's good for me

is not necessarily good for her at the moment.

She's in such a good mood right now.

You know, I haven't seen her this happy

since Auntie Linda put on a load of weight.

Yeah?

Why? What's going on tomorrow night?

(SNIFFS) Ugh...

I like Skittles, but that is wank.

(SIGHS)

REV FRANCIS: Edit profile, but I'm...

LEN: Edit profile, really?

Again, I'm not entirely sure.

Oh, I tell you who will know, it's Kurtan. Kurtan?

- Kurtan, now, er, Len... - Yeah.

...wants to change his relationship status...

Yeah.

...on Facebook. How can he do that?

Oh, easy, I can do it now.

Oh, wonderful.

- Relationship, eh? - Yeah.

Blimey.

REV FRANCIS: Yes, there's been some exciting

developments with Len,

and I never thought I'd say this, but love is in the air.

He's, er, he's actually met

a lovely lady online from America called Cynthia,

and they've been talking via Facebook.

I've, er, I've written a poem for Cynthia.

Oh, well, that's just lovely, Len.

Do you...do you want to read it out?

- Er... - You don't have to,

but we'd love to hear it, wouldn't we?

- Really? All right. Let's have a look. - Oh, yes, please.

Um...

"You fill my days with sun

"You fill my nights with moon

"You fill the air with breeze

"You fill the arboretum with trees."

REV FRANCIS: Well, I...I wouldn't say

it's been a case of turning water into wine

because I knew Len always had it in him.

I just think a lot of people felt Len was a lost cause,

but what they failed to see was his potential.

Er, it actually reminds me a bit of Jesus and the leper.

Not... I'm not saying Len has leprosy.

Although, he did have a fungal infection

from not taking his shoes off for such a long time.

"You fill my dance with jive

"You are the only thing keeping me alive."

That's...beautiful, Len.

All right, thank you.

Thanks very much.

Well done, well done.

KURTAN: Yeah, it's great that Len's doing well. Um...

But the problem is, it's just fuelling the vicar's ego.

You should see him

parading Len around in the cafe like a show pony, it's disgusting.

Yeah, and what Vicar doesn't realise

is that, ultimately, you can never truly tame a wild beast.

You know, eventually,

they will turn on their captors because it's just animal instinct.

It's like that woman who got her face ripped off by her pet chimp.

Have you seen her face transplant?

Looks like someone threw a pancake at her from the other side of the room.

It's bizarre - no features.

(MUSIC BLARES)

Oh, go on, Martin!

The boys are back in tow-ow-own!

Who wants another shot?

Hey!

Hi-de, hi-de, hi-de-ho

Hi-de, hi-de, hi-de-ho...

(LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING)

Yeah, I just decided, er,

I'm gonna have a sleepover at Kurtan's tonight.

Er, I just don't really wanna be at home at the moment

so I just really wanna go somewhere where I'll know I'll feel welcome.

This is really, massively inconvenient, Kerry,

and massively late notice.

I'm sorry, Kurtan.

Nan will go apoplectic if she knows you're staying the night.

She's at Farm Foods now,

so you've literally got an hour to practise keeping your clodhopping

and your foghorning down to an absolute minimum, OK?

Oh, okey dokey.

(SIGHS) Even in the casual way in which you just said okey dokey

makes me think you don't understand the seriousness of this situation.

I do, Kurtan!

- OK, foghorning, Kerry! - (SIGHS)

When you think you're taking it down a notch,

take it down another four notches, please.

- OK. - All right, come in...

- Thank you. - ...and go straight upstairs.

My nan cannot stand Kerry.

She don't like house guests at the best of times

but she just thinks Kerry's completely out of control.

This one time, Kerry left some Pringles shards

on the arm of the sofa.

Yeah, you don't come back from that.

And rightly so.

- Where's my squash? - We're sharing this one,

otherwise she'll know there's two cups missing from the cupboard.

Well, can I have a little bit?

- Yes. - Thank you.

But ration it because I ain't getting you any more.

(FRONT DOOR CLOSES)

Mm.

She's back.

(KEYS CLINK)

- Lee, my love? - Yes?

You coming down for a natter?

Yes, one second, Nan.

Right, can you be trusted up here on your own?

Because I've gotta go downstairs.

Natter, what's she mean by natter?

Just we natter, we have a cup of tea...

We do it every evening, OK?

A lot like chatting, then?

No, nattering, big difference.

What's the difference?

Chattin' is like conversation,

natterin' is when you flitter between subjects

without having to give it a proper introduction

or link them to anything, OK?

What will you natter about?

Well, I don't know. Wherever the nattering takes us, OK?

Just...

Coming, Nan.

The problem with Kurtan is...

...he's just an old woman trapped in the body of a young man.

Actually, that's wrong

cos he's also got the body of an old woman.

So he's just an old woman trapped in the body of an old woman.

NAN: Oh, no, and she's left her mansion to crumble to bloody ruins.

KURTAN: Yeah.

NAN: All those pets and horses and what have you?

KURTAN: God, I thought Springwatch was so poor this evening.

NAN: Oh, yes.

KURTAN: No point having otter cam then cutting to otter cam

for only, like, two seconds.

NAN: No, no.

Lidl's teabags may be cheap, but they're bloody useless.

KURTAN: Yeah.

NAN: Do you know where I've always wanted to go?

- Where? - Scotland.

- I've never been to bloody Scotland. - Yeah.

I'm so knackered.

Kurtan kicked me out before his nan woke up.

Now I don't know where to go.

Like, I can't even go to the cafe cos that's not even open yet.

(SNIFFS)

Yeah, I'll probably have to go to Len's old patch.

Or there's a sheltered bit under the bypass to Gloucester.

But I don't really know

how, like, territories work on the streets,

like whether you have to ask permission or it's just a free-for-all.

Yeah, I don't wanna step on anyone's toes, like.

Is that Dad and Sandra?

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

Come on.

LEN: Kurtan! I need some help!

What is it?

Well, how do you do an online money transfer?

Well, who are you transferring the money to?

To Cynthia.

What for? She's not rinsing you, is she, Len?

No, she's got her own money.

She's got $12 million

and she's heiress to a diamond fortune.

Right, well, what does she need your money for, then?

Well, she can't fly over till she gets a passport,

and they won't give her access to her money

until she gets $3,000,

so I'm giving her $3,000.

Is that all right, Officer?

(SCOFFS) Well...

Well, it's just that doesn't make much sense, Len.

Look, it's all in there.

Look, here's the details, just put the money in there.

This is a bank account in Nigeria.

Yeah, well, she's borrowing her brother's account

because she hasn't got one of her own at the moment.

What's all the fuss for, fussy?

It's just... No, I'm not fussing, I just...

Well, I can't actually do it today cos...

...you can't send money online on a Tuesday, but...

Oh.

...I can do it tomorrow, if that's better?

Yeah, yeah. But first thing, yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah, there you are.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Oh, hi, Vicar. - Oh, hi, Kurtan.

- How are you doing? - Er, good.

Er, quickly, have you actually seen any pictures of Len's girlfriend?

Er, no, I haven't.

Er, well, this is her profile picture, look.

Ah.

And I googled the image, and that is not a woman called Cynthia.

That is a woman called Joan, from Humberside,

who was a fitness model in the '80s but is now currently dead.

Oh, dear.

And whoever is posing as her is wanting Len to send them money, so...

...we need to stop him.

What a rotten thing to do to someone.

Yeah.

(SCOFFS) Why can't it just be like the old days?

Boy meets girl in cafe, boy asks girl out,

boy courts girl with permission from parents,

boy asks for girl's hand in marriage, the end.

(SCOFFS) Well...

- Cos that's proper sexist, Vicar. - What?

Well, you're saying if you're a girl and you wanna find love,

- you've gotta hang around cafes all day. - No, no, no.

Like cattle in a cattle market,

just waiting for blokes to come around and pick 'em off.

That's...that's proper prehistoric, Vicar.

(REV FRANCIS STUTTERS)

Well, I can see how it might be misconstrued,

but I certainly didn't mean it that way.

Well, just don't...don't apologise to me,

apologise to all the women out there.

What?

Sorry.

Well, my mum might be happy now with Dad,

but she's living in a dreamland.

Mum?

I couldn't have a quick word, could I?

Because it's exactly like

when I was best mates with Dan Shelton in year 9,

and Kurtan was like,

"You know he's not mates with you because of your personality,

"he's only mates with you cos you've got Tekken 3

"on the PlayStation One."

And, at first, that was really hard to hear,

but, you know, it was sort of liberating in a way

because it meant that I could be Yoshimitsu,

because he always used to have to be Yoshimitsu and I'd be Heihachi.

And Heihachi is not my fighting style,

Yoshimitsu is.

No, I know.

He is.

Yeah, I just...

Do you want a cup of tea?

Wagon Wheel?

Yeah, I'll get you a Wagon Wheel.

- You wanted to see me, Vicar? - Yes, have a seat.

Um, right, well, er...

Well, firstly...

(EXHALES) ...I just wanted to say

what fantastic progress you've made

and, um, er, I think it's really important

that you keep on with this positive new attitude,

um, no matter what happens.

Yeah, well, er,

anything's possible now I got Cynthia, and that's all down to you, Vicar.

Um, yes.

Um, so, well, the thing is, er,

I'm afraid I have to tell you something about Cynthia.

Yeah? What?

(SIGHS) And it's... Well, it's not good news, unfortunately.

What is it?

Well, um...

Right.

What you need to know is that, um...

I'm afraid Cynthia is...

Dead.

What?

The police...

...rang the vicar this morning...

...to tell him to tell you that she'd died...

...unfortunately.

How did she die?

Um...

Oh, well, I actually...

I don't know, er, Vicar took the call.

How did she die, Vicar?

Well, she hit her head quite badly, unfortunately.

How?

She f...

She fell down the stairs.

(STIFLES SOBS)

But, Len, Len...

...just before she left this world...

...she said that despite never having met you...

...she was so proud of everything you'd achieved

and that you'll never be alone...

...because she'll always, always be with you.

Thank you for telling me, Vicar.

KURTAN: Well, sometimes honesty is not always the best policy.

Basically, I realised that the only way to keep Cynthia alive was to kill her.

Well, er...

But I do wish we'd been a little more on the same page

at the start of the chat with Len, though.

No, I... No, I take that in, yeah, definitely.

You know, if we had a bit more time, we could've been more creative.

Yeah, let her go out with a bang, why not?

I mean, who falls down stairs these days? It's not Homer Simpson.

REV FRANCIS: Watch out for the stingers.

- Wow. - Have a look at that.

- Look at that, Ker. - Not bad, eh?

KURTAN: Do you know what? I don't think we've ever been up here.

And I thought maybe this would be an appropriate place

to release Cynthia's lantern.

Yeah, it's perfect.

- Lower it down, Vicar. - Lower it?

- Lower it. - Lower it.

Trust me, I have experience in lighting the shit up stuff.

- Here we go! - All right? Here we go.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, here we go! - Let it go!

Go.

Yeah, yeah!

- Yes! - Go on!

- There she goes! - Go on!

ALL: Oooh!

Oh, isn't that lovely? There she goes, Len.

Yeah, you know, those are the biggest killer of barn owls.

- What are? - Them lanterns.

Oh. Oh, no, really?

Yeah. It gets entangled in the debris.

- Yeah. - Oh, no.

And cows die from 'em as well, cos they eat the metal parts.

REV FRANCIS: Well, I really wish you'd told me that before we'd lit it.