Original subtitles

KERRY: White van I'd hazard...

No, it's not a hazard. That's fine.

Bus stop I'd hazard.

Why?

Because there's pedestrians at the bus stop.

- It's a hazard, that. - That's not a hazard.

- You don't know what a hazard is. - Another bus stop there.

Can you get your f... hands out?

Bloke on the bike, look!

No helmet on - hazard.

- Yes, I've hazarded it. - Chap...

Get your hand... I can't see the fucking screen.

Dog! Dog there!

I'd hazard the dog.

Failed! Well done.

Well, you should've hazarded that dog.

He was on the pavement.

Yeah, well, what would you have done if it ran out on the road, then?

Well, braked.

You should never brake for a little dog.

Why?

Because... Well, yeah, you're braking for the dog,

saves the dog's life,

but what about the family of four that are ploughing into the back of you?

I can just see the headlines now -

"Four dead, dog survives".

And you'd be happy with that, would you?

Because that's warped.

Yeah, well, some exciting news.

Er, I'm learning to drive. I've got my provisional licence through

and the vicar said he's gonna take me to the airfield in his car

so I can have a practice.

- I actually can't wait for you to pass. - I know.

Think of all the places that we're gonna be able to go now on our own.

Yeah. Like Gloucester Services.

Yeah.

Monkey enclosure at Longleat.

Yeah.

TGI Fridays.

Frankie & Benny's.

Jamie's Italian in Cheltenham.

It's closed down now.

- You're joking? - No.

They've got YO! Sushi, though.

Hmm...

I'm busting, Vicar!

Yes, one moment, Len!

- (GROANS) - There you go, Len.

Yes, er,

it'll be great for Kurtan to have his independence.

I remember how grown-up I felt getting my first car,

a mustard-yellow Morris Minor called Milly.

She was a cracking little runaround...

...until I made the mistake of running out of petrol

outside a Wimpy filled with skinheads

who then proceeded to jump up and down on the roof.

She couldn't withstand the weight of 25 pairs of Doc Martens

and unfortunately crumpled like a can of Coke.

Eventually, I had to be cut out by a fireman,

just as my sixth-form crush, Mary Potts, walked past with her friends

on their way to the barn dance that I never got to attend.

That's where she met Peter Ainsworth. They're married now.

Sorry, I'm not sure how I got onto that. Anyway,

- we're very excited for Kurtan, though. - LEN: Vicar!

There's no bog roll!

Er, well, can you...can you just hang on till I get some kitchen roll, maybe, Len?

No.

(WHISPERS) I'm so sorry.

I'm just coming! I won't be a second.

Come on, I'm on the brink of disaster here.

So, if you want to learn

how to drive, Kurtan, you first need to learn how a car works.

No, I don't.

So I'm just going to pop the hood up, like this.

Vicar, this is really not necessary.

Just because I eat toast doesn't mean you'd know how a toaster works.

Now, that's the sort of arrogance that'll get you killed on the motorway, mate.

Right, so this is the coolant reservoir tank. Kurtan, are you listening?

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

KERRY: Kurtan can't stand learning

anything new from anyone.

Like, he's sort of got to figure it out himself first.

- Here is the oil. - Right.

And this is the dipstick.

Yeah, I know you are, but what's that? (LAUGHS)

This one time, um, I was trying to show him how to get past level five

on Theme Hospital,

and he ended up throwing a Müller Corner at me,

and it hit me right there,

and I actually still have the scar there, look. I don't know if you can see it?

And, um, ironically,

the corner of the Müller Corner

hit me right in the corner of my cornea...

...and I was standing in the corner of the room when it happened.

I mean, spooky or what?

- This is gonna be a brilliant day. - (REV FRANCIS LAUGHS)

I can't wait to get my hands on that wheel.

Ah, good.

Can I drive us to airfield?

Er, no, Kurtan, you can drive when we get there.

Right... I've, um, just got to quickly pop round to June's.

June's? Why?

I can't stand that woman.

I won't come in, if that's OK?

Well, I've just got to return a sprinkler hose I borrowed from her.

Well, can't you just do it on the way back?

Well, er, no, because she's quite insistent she needs it now.

She's opening her garden to the public tomorrow.

I beg your pardon?

Well, she's doing one of those open garden things.

I beg your pardon?

She's doing one of those open garden things, you know?

- Do you hear this? - I already knew,

but I didn't say anything because I knew you'd react like this.

(GASPS) She's got some nerve, ain't she?

Like her garden is that good.

Do you know what? That makes my blood absolutely boil.

Why?

Well, it's just the sheer arrogance of it.

It is arrogant in a way.

I'm sorry, I disagree. I think it's a lovely thing to do.

June has a lovely garden.

Unbelievable.

(KERRY GASPS) 50p she's charging.

KURTAN: She's charging? Well, what's the money going towards?

Her garden.

Her garden! Her garden!

Er, right, sprinkler, please, Kurtan.

Thanks. Thank you.

Right, I'll be back in two ticks.

- I am absolutely... - June?

Look how much I'm shaking with rage, Ker.

I cannot believe she is charging admission like it's the fucking Eden Project.

Yeah. That's despicable.

She is ghastly, that woman! Look at her.

- Do you know what? - What?

One of my earliest ever memories, right...

Hmm?

...is, I was at the open-air pool

and I was in the changing rooms, and June was in there, right?

And her towel dropped for, like, a second.

I actually saw her pubes.

And they were, like, really long and wiry,

and I remember thinking at the time

they looked exactly like the roots on a parsnip.

Have either of you seen Len?

Not for a while. Why?

It's just June said he didn't turn up for the free meals evening

at the village hall last night.

Come to think of it, he missed his morning, um, appointment.

- And...? - Well, it's just odd.

He never misses his free meals, and he's usually very regular.

That is very unlike Len, to be fair.

Yes, look. I think I might just swing by the lock-up and check if he's there.

(SIGHS) Fine, but can it be quick, please?

Seat belts, please, guys.

I don't need a seat belt because I'm in the back.

- Yes, you do, Kerry. - Yes, you do, Kerry,

because if we crash, you'll go into the back of me

and I'll splat on the windscreen.

That's absolutely true, Kurtan.

Kerry, please? Seat belt.

Well, I think it's ridiculous, but...

(SEAT BELT RATTLES)

(SIGHS) Gently! I keep saying don't yank it, and then it'll come out.

- I'm not yanking it, am I? - OK.

- Look, it's out now. - Good.

KERRY: Clunk, click...

Thank you.

(ENGINE STARTS)

...suck my dick.

- I beg your pardon? - Nothing.

Oh, the door's closed.

I'll check if he's inside quickly.

Is he there?

Nah.

(SIGHS) Right, um, well, I'd like to do a quick recce

of the marketplace, if I may.

All right.

Oh, gimme a sec.

KERRY: What's he doing?

Kayleigh!

Oh, God, that is tragic.

What is?

Kurtan's still got a thing for Kayleigh.

Oh, really? How do you know?

Because he's talking to her side on so she can't see his birthmark.

Oh, he shouldn't be ashamed of his birthmark.

He says it's the one thing that lets him down.

Do you know how else I know that he fancies Kayleigh?

How?

Because in five seconds he'll smooth his curtains, just watch.

Five, four, three, two, one...

- Absolutely predictable as hell. - (LAUGHS)

How funny.

- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, who's this? Wait.

Oh, it's June. I wonder if it's about Len.

Hello, June?

Oh, really? Right.

Oh, dear.

I'm terribly sorry, I had no idea.

I didn't see any scuffage on it when I left it with you.

Well, I wouldn't have scuffed it intentionally, June.

Well, yeah, OK.

Well, I'm a little bit pushed for time now but I'll see what I can do, OK?

All right. OK. Bye. Bye, June, thank you.

Whew! That's upset me a little bit.

What did she say?

June says the sprinkler hose was scuffed.

I mean, if it was broken,

- then of course I'd replace it. - Ohh!

But a little bit of cosmetic damage - I mean, really, what does it matter?

It's a hose, for heaven's sake.

I don't know why you give her the time of day, to be perfectly honest.

She's bad news.

OK, well, just remind me to pop round the garden centre later,

otherwise I don't think we'll hear the end of this, Kerry.

Right.

Here he is.

Yeah, you done flirting, then, have you?

I wasn't flirting.

I don't even fancy her! God!

I wouldn't do that to Slugs, anyway.

God, you're so annoying, Kerry. Why would you even say that?

All right, chill out!

Why? Do you think she was flirting?

She was being a bit flirty, actually.

Right, he's not here. Let's go.

Hang on, I'm gonna pop in the shop and see if Mrs Wicks has seen him, OK?

Oh, if you're going to the shop, can you get me something real quick?

Er, yes, I suppose.

Can you get me some Dairylea Dunkers? The tubes, not the breadsticks.

Yep, OK.

Oh, and a bag of Quavers, like, the grab bag.

You'll know the difference, because it's considerably larger.

Er, OK.

Oh, and a Ripple as well would be great.

And if they haven't got that, a Topic will be fine.

Um, also, a bottle of Coke.

Like, full-fat Coke, not Diet Coke.

Not sugar-free Coke. And don't get me a Pepsi,

because I will not drink it.

(SIGHS) Kurtan, anything for you?

No, just be quick.

Oh, and a beef baguette from the bakery as well, please.

No, Kerry, I'm not going in the bakery.

Well, a triple sandwich from the shop will be fine!

It's always a bit too much for him, isn't it?

KURTAN: The vicar's a drama queen.

Plain and simple.

You know, a drama doesn't just walk into his life willy-nilly.

He creates it!

And there's no place he'd rather be than at the centre

of an almighty shitstorm that he's created.

You know, you can't save a damsel if she loves her distress.

And you can't save someone from a shark

who's insistent on doing one of them shark experiences

where you go in a cage and you're lowered into water and you have...

Sometimes they put, like, raw meat in the cage

so you're guaranteed to see a shark.

Hmm?

What? That's got nothing to do with anything.

Has it not?

You just wanna talk about that documentary you watched last night about sharks.

A little bit, I suppose.

You'll cut that...won't you?

Did you wanna ask me about sharks at any point?

Because I did watch a really good documentary about it.

I'd just stop.

OK.

You're making yourself look silly now.

Honestly, Vicar, this is getting ridiculous now.

Kurtan, I'll be very quick. I just wanna check with Arthur.

- Well, quicker, then. - Yeah, OK, just wait there.

- What are you doing? - Having a play around.

Fuck it, I could just drive us to airfield now.

Yeah, but you won't.

Well, I can.

Can't, because you don't know how to drive a car.

Er, I do know how to drive a car.

Not like the vicar, you don't.

He's only in the car for me for insurance purposes.

I could rag it round the village right now.

No, you can't, because you don't even know how to get into first.

Of course I know how to get into first.

How, then?

Clutch down, into first.

Yeah, how does first go? Across...

Oh, fuck, it's Mandy.

Oh, for fuck... Keep your head down.

She's seen us as well.

KURTAN: (WHISPERS) What's she pointing for? Fuck.

Oh. All right, Mand?

All right? Yeah.

Where have you...where have you been? Into town, have you?

Yeah.

Just on your, er, way back from town, are you?

Yeah.

Cool.

What's in that bag?

- What, this? - Yeah.

That's just a brick in a pillowcase.

- OK. - (ENGINE STARTS)

I think we've gotta go, actually. It's a no-waiting zone here.

- See you, Mand! - What are you doing?

Getting away from that fucking nutcase.

- Kur! Kur! - Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck, it's a dead end.

(KERRY GASPS)

Oh, fuck!

- You stalled. - Yes, I know I've fucking stalled.

Reverse. Go into reverse.

Kur!

- Yes. - Reverse.

- How? - Go into reverse.

- That's it, down like that. - Yeah.

Right? Check your mirrors, go round... Like this.

That's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, keep going.

Keep going, you've got plenty of room, plenty of room, plenty of...

- (CRASH) - Stop!

Oh, fuck! What was that? What was that?

- Recycling bin. - Oh, for fuck...

Just get out the car, get out the car.

- For fuck's sake. - Put the handbrake on, then.

It is on!

Fuck's sake.

Right, we've got plenty of room here, plenty of room.

(RECYCLING BIN RUMBLES)

Right, that's it.

(ENGINE REVS)

What...?

(PANTS) Thanks for that.

Vicar's coming.

- The car's the wrong way round. - Huh?

The car's the wrong way round.

Oh, fuck!

It's too late to turn it round.

- He's gonna go apeshit. - Don't fucking say anything.

He can't have a go at me, I'm just an innocent passenger.

Sorry about that, folks.

I was trying to make it quick,

but Arthur wanted me to help him with his Sky box.

And, unfortunately, he hasn't seen Len either.

So...

- Is everything all right? - Yeah, fine.

Right.

(ENGINE STARTS)

KURTAN: Vicar is so unobservant.

Isn't he?

Yeah, like, we changed the screensaver on his phone

from a picture of his wife at Warwick Castle

to a picture of Lucy Pinder topless,

and he didn't notice for, like, two years.

Nah.

I'm actually a bit worried about it.

I think he's got signs of early-onset dementia.

Yeah.

Either that, or he just loves big honkers.

Honkers? What's honkers?

Conkers.

Shooters.

Norks.

Oh, don't do that.

(CLATTER)

What are you pulling over for?

Now, look...

KURTAN: Huh?

I think we should head back to the bowls club.

It's the only place we haven't tried.

- Oh, my God. - Hang on a sec!

Kurtan, right, has been so patient with you,

and you've been breaking promises left, right and centre, have you not?

Yes. Look...

I'm sure that the village can cope without you for half an hour.

I know, Kerry, and I understand but... (SIGHS) ...look.

It's just that we have to...

(PHONE RINGS)

Sorry.

- Oh, no, it's June. - Don't answer it, don't answer it.

Yeah.

Honestly, people like Len and June are gonna be the death of you.

Now, let's just switch your phone off, right?

And we'll just go for a drive.

- Yes. - Yeah?

Yes, you're right.

Go away, June.

Yeah, get stuffed, June.

Yeah, parsnip pubes.

Enough!

What?

REV FRANCIS: OK, Kurtan.

So, gently off the clutch, gently accelerate.

That's it. Now let's build up a little bit of speed. Very nice, Kurtan.

- Take it nice and slow, that's fine. - Yeah.

OK. Gently on the accelerator.

KERRY: That's it, check your mirrors.

- Yes, quite right, Kerry. - Yes, I have.

Check mirrors, Vicar. He didn't check that one.

Yes, well, I can't see anything out of the rear-view mirror,

having your big, bloated John Travolta head...

REV FRANCIS: Kurtan!

Well, I can't listen to two people at the same time, I'm afraid.

KERRY: Look, Vics, pass me that little tin of sweets

and I'll just keep myself entertained, like.

There you go, Kerry.

OK. Now...can you indicate as if you're going to pull over,

brake slightly,

foot down on the clutch, two hands on the wheel...

Kurtan, two hands on the wheel!

Sorry. Muscle memory from impressing birds at the Dodgems.

And pull in anywhere on the left-hand side.

REV FRANCIS: Isn't this lovely?

It's quite nice to get out of the village.

KERRY: Yeah. And you need to relax an' all, don't you, Vics?

(EXHALES) I do.

You worry too much about what other people think

and not enough about what you yourself think about you.

- Yeah, you're a people-pleaser, Vicar. - You're a people-pleaser.

- But you can't please everyone. - No.

Yeah.

Yes, I suppose I am. (CHUCKLES)

Well, yeah, even at school, I always wanted everyone to like me. Huh!

I think a lot of my anxieties come from my father, actually.

- Why? - Well...

- Was he like you? - Gosh no!

He was actually a bit of a brute.

- He hit you? - No! No. Well...

He did?

- Well... - Well, what did he do?

Well, I mean, there was...

There was... All right. There was this one time when I was in grammar school

and, you know, I'd worked all summer to save up money

to pay for this... (LAUGHS) ...this pastel-yellow suit jacket

with sewn-in shoulder pads.

- Are you joking? - No, I'm not.

I know it sounds bizarre, but it was the height of fashion in the mid-'80s.

Plus, I was a massive Duran Duran fan.

Anyway, when I walked through the front door,

my father grabbed me and he pulled me in

and he'd been, er, entertaining some of his friends from the Rotary Club,

and he pulled me into the dining room...

...and I could tell he'd had a few, because his breath was acrid.

(SIGHS) "Look at my son Francis," he sniggered.

"Look how wide his shoulders are!

"We'll have to take the door frames off just so he can fit through the door!"

And then he, um... Then he paraded me round the room

like I was some sort of circus sideshow,

and, huh, his friends laughed and they laughed

and they laughed and...

So your dad was a bit of a joker, then?

Well, um...

You could say that.

Anyway, by then, I'd just about had enough of it

and, er...

...as I wriggled out of my father's grip,

I... I accidentally shunted one of my mother's favourite picture frames

off the wall and it smashed on the floor.

My mother burst into tears...

...and my father said, "Look at what you've done, Francis!

"Look at what your loud fashion has done to your mother's favourite picture frame!"

Well, I... I just felt awful.

I remember just locking myself in my room, my eyes were stinging with tears. Huh.

I never wore that jacket again.

And from then on...

...I vowed that I would never...ever

make anyone feel as rotten as he made me feel that day.

He never hit you, though?

He just took the piss out your jacket, right?

Well, there were other times.

Anyway, I suppose I've been, er...

Oh, I suppose I've been overcompensating ever since.

Well, no-one's perfect, Vicar.

No, that's right. You got that right there.

Even Jesus wasn't perfect.

He had loads of faults, apparently.

Like what?

Well, he was really into prostitutes.

- No... - He was.

- No. Who told you that, Kerry? - No, it was Mary Magdalene or someone.

- Oh. - And apparently, also,

he was massively sarcastic.

- Sarcastic? - Yeah.

- Who did you hear that from? - Mandy told me.

- Mandy? - Yeah, because there was this one time

where 5,000 people went round to his house and said,

"Oh, I heard you got a load of food for us,"

and he goes, "What? The two fish and the five loaves that I've got in the fridge?"

And they were like, "Yeah," and he was like,

"Oh! OK! I'll just rustle that up for you, then.

"How many of you is there? Just the 5,000 of you, is it?"

And they were like, "Yeah."

Hmm... Well, I'm...

I'm not sure Mandy's the right person to go to

for biblical interpretation, Kerry.

We'll read it sometime.

KERRY: Garden centre.

Mm? Garden centre?

To get June a new sprinkler hose.

You said to remind you.

Remember?

You know what? I don't think I will.

She's one of the main contributors to my stress,

and I suspect I'll have some rather barbed voicemails from her

when I switch my phone back on.

REV FRANCIS: Oh, no...

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no. - KERRY: What's going on?

REV FRANCIS: What's this?

KURTAN: Oh, my God.

KERRY: What...?

REV FRANCIS: Oh, God.

Len!

Len, are you all right?

(LEN GROANS)

Arthur, what happened?

I found him. I found him under a bush.

He was sparked out.

It's dehydration, they reckon, you know?

- Silly bugger. - Oh, well, thank God you found him.

Well, if it hadn't been for the flies buzzing around his stink,

I don't think I would've.

Yeah, well, another hour, he would've been a goner.

Well done, Arthur. Well done.

Now, you get yourself better, you old git!

Hey? I need you around to make me look good.

LEN: Yeah! Stop!

Well, that's more like it.

Is it wrong that I'm absolutely buzzing off of this?

- Nah, it's brilliant. - My chest, my heart.

This turned out to be

- one of the best days of my life. - Yeah.

Second to the time on the village Bonfire Night

when a Catherine wheel got jammed

and it just kept firing at Mrs Wicks on the cake stall,

and she was so frightened,

she's just stood there and she opened her mouth to scream,

and no sound came out.

Kurtan does a very good impression of it, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, do it, then.

Exactly like that.

Do your impression of Farmer Jenkins finding out his wife's dead.

Nah, not in front of them.

REV FRANCIS: Yes, Len's doing much better.

They kept him in overnight.

I went to visit him this morning,

and he seems to be getting back to his old self.

Turns out he drank some stagnant water from a birdbath

and lost a lot of fluids from having the squits,

um, but I got him a mobile phone,

and should anything like this happen again,

he can just ring me,

and next time I won't have my phone switched off.

It was a close call and certainly, for me, a lesson learned.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, that's Len now.

Hello, Len.

Sorry, what's that?

Oh, crisps!

OK.

Is there...is there anything you fancy that has slightly less salt in it, Len?

It might be better for you at the moment.

No? OK, crisps it is, I shall get you crisps, Len. Anything else?

Brassed Off on DVD? Fine. I shall have a look in the library, Len. (CHUCKLES)

How are you feeling, any...?

(STUTTERS)

Bye. Bye, Len. Bye.

KERRY: Shh!

You gotta see this. This is brilliant.

No-one's been in. Not one single person.

- How long has it been now? - About four hours.

Four hours.

And she reduced it down to 20p as well.

How desperate is that? Look.

She's packing up, she's packing up.

KURTAN: Brilliant, simply brilliant. I hope she's utterly crushed by this.

Do you know what? She couldn't even rely on the vicar...

- Yeah. - ...to turn up.

Because if you alienate your friends, your friends will alienate you.