Original subtitles

♪

Boogers, um, uh, car accident!

Uh, sexy waitress!

Uh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Pencil, pencil!

Uh �� oh!

B�ballerina! Um, um, I don�t know!

[ Timer dings ]

It was Lil Uzi Vert.

No!

You suck at this game, Barry!

How you gonna do a shoulder roll with no shoulders, Barry?

Ha! We won again!

Yeah, baby! Bu�yow!

Sheldon, you a way better partner than sorry�ass KY.

Ooh. What happened to your arm?

Oh! I, um, fell down the steps?

It�s so nice having you here.

Maybe you should stay the night?

I can let your parents know.

I�ll drop you off at school tomorrow.

No! I mean...

you know, I have to go.

Streetlights are coming on soon,

you know, priests are coming out.

I don�t want to get holy�rolled in my hole.

Are you sure?

My famous Snigga�Doodle cookies are almost ready!

Cornell and Barry: Snigga�Doodles! Snigga�Doodles! Snigga�Doodles! Snigga�Doodles!

Aw, man. What are those?

Nigga! Okay, so, I use a little rum, a little coke,

a little kush, and some seasoning salt.

Oh, and a dash of cookie dough.

Aw, man, I wish.

But I can�t be late.

Tonight was really special, though.

And you have a really beautiful family, Cornell.

Dude, you�re a lucky kid.

Man...if I was gay,

I�d kiss you right now, and play with your [bleep].

Do all sorts of things.

But I�m not, �cause I don�t like that stuff,

so I�ve got to go. Bye.

Cool. Oh, hey?

You still coming over for tomorrow�s game night, too, right?

[ Gasps ]

That was weird. Who falls down on the stairs these days?

[ Crashing ]

"Did I do that?"

[ Laughter ]

Boy: O�o�oh!

Oh, yeah? Ray�s daddy�s like a grass stain ��

always ruining somebody�s jeans!

Ooh!

Yo, Ray�s daddy�s like a gumball machine �� only 25 cents a blow!

[ Laughter ]

And if you stick your finger up there,

you�ll get something for free.

Ooh!

Ray, your daddy�s so invisible ��

Dude, I don�t want to play this no more!

I�m not [bleep] around!

Stop talking about my daddy!

Hey, Cornell? Where�s your new boyfriend at?

He didn�t show up for game night,

and now he�s not here for Ray�s Daddy Fridays.

I hope he�s okay.

He�s always been very suspect, in my opinion.

Trenchcoat Man: Not as suspect as me.

But, yes, he is. �Who are you?

Who I am is not important right now.

But what is important is my unknown knowledge

of all things mysterious and suspect ��

which includes shocking information involving danger

and your so�called friend, Sheldon.

I knew it!

Sheldon�s in trouble!

No, Sheldon is the trouble.

Well, couldn�t you have said that before he ran off?

When I say what I say is not important right now.

Quick. Follow me to a place where I can tell you secrets

about Sheldon that I could have told you right here.

Woman: You keep your Goddamn mouth shut, you hear me?!

Or I will beat your ass even more senseless!

Sheldon, Jr? Are you okay?

I�m fine. W�what are you doing here?

It�s Friday. You were supposed to come by yesterday, remember?

I wasn�t sure if this was your house or not,

�cause it looks like some guy, SOS, lives here.

Is that your dad? No, man. I have to go.

Sorry!

You ungrateful bastard!

He almost caught you!

Do you want me to put you back in the box?!

I�m gonna put you back in the box again.

♪

Wow.

So, this is the Neighborhood Snitch Headquarters?

Man, it smells like shit in here!

I don�t feel comfortable being around this many snitches.

I don�t like [bleep] with the feds, man.

[ Gasps ] So the saying is true.

Trenchcoat Man: it�s a tough job,

but somebody has to snitch to keep the neighborhood safe.

You see, this is your friend as you know him today.

And this is him 10 years ago.

And 10 years before that.

Look familiar? Bertha Franklin.

This woman has a disease that allows her not to age,

so she hasn�t aged.

She�s looked 16 her whole life.

It made her incapable of having kids.

This pushed her off the edge.

Wow!

What we looking at is supposed to be bad, right?

My friend, what you are looking at

is the physical manifestation of pure evilness.

She�s been locked away in a mental hospital,

but they made the mistake of letting her out

for good behavior.

From there, she kidnapped two kids,

and none of them have been seen or heard from ��

until now.

All: Cornell!

♪

♪

[ Yells ]

[ Laughs eerily ]

Snigga�Doodles! Snigga�Doodles! Snigga�Doodles! Snigga�Doodles!

Snigga�Doodles! Snigga�Doodles!

Cornell: Sheldon, Jr., come back.

♪

[ Yelling, crying ]

Sheldon, Jr.

Oh, come on!

1, 2...damn, I�m kind of hungry, nigga.

Well, shit, nigga. Let�s go to AutoZone.

Mm.

Sheldon, Jr.? I called the cops.

I�m gonna get you out of here.

[ Gasps ]

Stop!

I know who you are! Leave me alone!

Woman: Where are you?

I won�t hurt you.

Oops.

Now, that was a nasty fall you took, there.

You might need some help.

There you are.

Oh, so nice to meet you, Cornell.

[ Chuckles ]

Sheldon, Jr.�s told me so much about you.

Hope you liked that kiss.

And I�m still not gay, nigga!

[ Screams ]

[ Music plays ]

I�m sorry I couldn�t make charades tonight,

but Mom spent all day on dinner.

It just wouldn�t be right.

You understand, Corn�Corn?

So, don�t you got something to ask me?

Ask you what?

How was your day, Sheldon, Jr.?

Well, I did ��

[ Timer buzzes ]

Hey, you�re just in time for Mom�s famous cookies!

Snigga�Doodles!

Snigga�Doodles! Snigga�Doodles!

Snigga�Doodles! Snigga�Doodles!

Snigga�Doodles! Snigga�Doodles, nigga!

Uh, Carla, won�t you get them out of the oven?

But Mommy, I don�t have any oven mitts on.

I said "Get them out of the oven."

♪

♪

Would you care for some more?

I know they�re not as good as your mom�s,

but [bleep] eat them anyway.

Shut up, KY!

You a [bleep] virgin, you four�eyed�geek bitch!

You know, um, since you and I was supposed to

play charades tonight, um, maybe we can do that here instead?

Mm, okay. Yeah. Perhaps.

Only thing is, I can�t really play charades

without my hands, can I?

You�d have to untie me first.

Untie you?

[ Chuckles ]

I�m crazy, but I�m not stupid.

♪

Uh, an innocent black man under arrest?

�No. �Elizabeth Smart?!

�No. �Uh, ah�ah!

Sparkles� niece?

�No. �Wait. Wait.

I�ve seen this somewhere before.

Oh, I got it! I got it!

Lil Uzi Vert!

Yeah!

[ Gasps ]

You should have known I�d find you eventually.

I�ve been waiting a long time for this...

...Bertha...

Franklin.

[ Grunting ]

No!

Cornell, it�s so nice having you here.

Maybe you should stay the night.

I could let your parents know,

and my ma could drop you off at school...

never.

[ Laughs evilly ]

No! I refuse to let you escape!

This all ends tonight, you crazy bitch!

I mean, we didn�t really get to see that much, �cause, you know,

we went to AutoZone to get our grub on.

So, it appears Bertha managed to escape.

The good news for you is, it�s highly unlikely

she�ll ever return, due to the risk of being caught.

You�re lucky. This is not the first time she�s done this

to TV�like sitcom families.

Steve Urkel has not been the same since.

Jesus.

On the bright side, we can return these two kids

to their real families.

Don�t worry. Everything�s gonna be okay now.

No, it won�t.

You ruined my life.

You ruined my family.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Man: Hey, homey, that�s my hot dog!