Original subtitles

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♪

We here, niggas!

�Aah! �Aah!

Wait, thats it?

We aint gonna crash into a wall or nothing?

I told you, Cornell, my family dont accept

Drinking Debbie, and I dont wanna hear they mouth.

So, this weekend, Im Debra,

model of restraint, civility, and sobriety.

Unh�unh.

What you say, bitch�nigga?

I know you were looking at me sideways.

Ow! Aah!

I cant believe Grandpa rented this

entire boat for the weekend.

You know how my father likes doing

all this extravagant�ass [bleep]

Now, remember �� your mother hasnt had a drink

in two whole days in order to prepare for this occasion.

Longer than that.

Its been 2 days, 42 minutes, and 47 seconds.

But I mean, whos counting?

Ooh, I heard they have a Tupac hologram this year.

I. D. s, please.

Oh, no!

I lose my I. D. underneath the passenger seat,

right next to the McDonalds cup with a little Coke in it.

KY, come with me so you can hold my stuff.

Barry Jelly.

Debra Cakes.

What a lovely name. �Oh, wow.

I usually dont normally get compliments on my name.

It does not matter,

as long as you have a healthy liver, right?

[ Laughing ]

Da [bleep]?

Theres so many I. D. s in this car.

Hurry up. The boats pulling away.

[ Air horn blows ]

Oh, no!

How will we get to the family reunion now?

[ Crying ]

[ Lightning striking ] Huh?

Oh, shit!

Its Grammy�Award�winning philanthropist DJ Khaled.

Some people cant handle success.

I can. I �� I can!

What?! I cant hear you!

Yo, I cant hear you!

I think hes saying

hell take us there on his jet ski.

Thanks, DJ Khaled. �Ha�ha!

[ Air horn blows ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey, Junebug, there go your baby Doo�Doo.

Aw [bleep] She with that lame�ass Barry.

Hold on, yall.

Is that my Debbie Cakes? [ Smooch ]

Boy, you done got big! �Big as hell.

�How old is you now? �Old as hell.

I remember when you was in diapers drinking whiskey,

shittin all over the damn place.

Yeah, there was shit everywhere.

�[ Clears throat ] Barry. �Im like a ��

Yeah, well, it was good seeing you, Debbie,

and I aint seen you in so, so long.

Oh, hey, everybody, lets get a �� lets get a selfie.

�Yeah. �Not you, Barry.

You take the picture.

Ugh.

Alright, Debbie, holla at ya later.

[ Clears throat ] Barry.

This might not be so bad after all.

Tisha: Well, well, well.

If it isnt Doo�Doo Debbie

and her telemarketer husband.

Well, if it aint Ho�Ass with a �� I mean, hello, Tisha.

You remember Gary, Richard, and Claudette.

Richard is studying to become a ballerina,

and Claudette has a winning personality that everyone likes.

But you wouldnt know nothing about that

cause yous a weak bitch.

See, I know what you tryin to do.

You tryin to make me feel a way.

But we know the real.

You just jelly because you know Im the top bitch

when it comes to gettin low.

Whatever you say, Doo�Doo.

The day you beat me

is the day pirates hijack this boat

and put a ferret in my ass.

Put a ferret all up in that ass!

But you cant do this.

Im concrete.

�Oh! �Oh!

I have two words for you �� watch and learn.

�Look at that. �Look at her go.

�Oh! �Oh!

Yeah.

She cheated!

Ooh, she cheated! Did anybody else see that?

Oh, so what? What are you gonna do?

You gonna run to Daddy and tell on me?

Aint nobody gonna tell on nobody.

You just mad cause they always liked me more than you.

I never liked you.

Mommy shouldve swallowed you.

[ Laughter ]

Whats the matter, Doo�Doo?

[ Echoing ] Does someone need a drink?

Shes chokin!

Somebody give her mouth�to�mouth!

Ugly�ass [bleep]

She just wants me drinkin again

so I make a fool of myself in front of the fam.

I dont care what she thinks.

�Hello? �I know you hearin me.

I know you want me, Debbie.

Stop pretendin for these peckerwoods.

I aint pretendin for nobody. Im a bad bitch.

You cant control me!

Come taste of this.

[ Thud! ] [ Sighs ] Great.

I bet thats Tishas ass cheating her way

through another potato�sack race.

[ Gunshots ] Oh!

Take me with you.

�Ah! �Aah!

[ Crying ]

Uh!

Gary! Gary! Help! The kids! Help!

Bitch, please.

Youre on your own.

Yeah. Mm.

Gary, welcome home.

All: Aah! Pirates!

Do not call us "pirate".

We find that offensive.

You think cause were terrorizing people on boats

that makes us pirates? No.

Were just here to harvest your organ.

All: Aah! Doctor pirates!

Thats better.

Word on street is jellyfish organs

are great on yellow market.

Dont you mean "black market"?

�What I say? �Uh, you said "yellow".

Well, I meant "black".

Now do what I say and give us those goddamn organs.

Aint nobody giving up no organs.

Ugh! �You got a big mouth, bitch.

Thats right. Im the captain now.

Aaah!

Now tie yourself up, bitch.

Yes, sir.

[ Air horn blows ]

[ Whining ] Wheres my parents?

[ Scanner beeping ]

You to the left, you to the right.

You, get over there with all the other useless trash.

Tisha? But you have perfect organs.

You have perfect everything.

I wish.

Girl, my daughter �� she got the personality

of a [bleep] brick, and my son ��

he gonna be a virgin till he 103,

and my husband �� he gay!

Girl, he tried to suck my [bleep]

Damn, girl.

You startin to sound like me.

Nah, bitch.

You startin to sound like me.

Hold the goddamn phone away from me to answer it.

You drink? �Please, like I could ever get

through an episode of "Scandal" without it.

You watch "Scandal"?

Bitch, what else dont I know about you?

Bitch, I watch "Scandal", I drink [bleep]

I got a RushCard.

We got more in common than you think, Debra.

Um, this is my hair.

Well, I guess you been the perfect one all along.

Im a closeted alcoholic who gave up her dreams

of becomin a singer long ago.

You got a not�gay husband.

You get to do whatever the hell you want.

You know, drinking might have ruined our lives,

but it also saved our lives.

[ Gasps ] I got an idea.

But Im gonna need your help.

You aint sayin nothing, nigga.

Put me in your mouth.

Anyone seen Cornell?

He about this tall, nice, uh, pretty calves, no lips ��

I aint talking about the ones on his face.

Well, since we all gonna die,

I got one last thing to confess.

I know. You hate me.

Oh, no, Barry.

I dont hate you.

I despise you!

I wanna kill you!

I cannot stand your ass!

Let the organ harvesting begin!

Aaah!

[ Feedback screeches ]

What up, Dre? Whats up, Snoop?

Oh [bleep]! Its Pac!

This isnt happening!

This isnt real! This isnt real!

Nigga, you dont even like Tupac.

I do like Tupac! See?

I have "Thug Life" tatted on my ass.

[ Microphone booms ]

What the [bleep] is up, Coachella?!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Liquid gurgling ]

Hey, you remember that time...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! [Bleep] the pirates!

Oh! [Bleep] pirates, you say?

[ Warbling ]

Aah! Daddy!

♪

Barry, you next!

�Wait, what? �Hi�yah!

I been holdin that one for 17 years.

Cornell: I think I see em,

and it looks like they in trouble.

[ Dolphins squeaking ]

Yo.

[ Imitating dolphin sounds ]

You aint got to speak dolphin with me, homey.

I speak English. Get on my back.

[ Screaming ]

Aah!

Let her go!

Take me. I gots nothing.

I havent had a dick in years,

and I would love for a man to hold me like that.

If yall want this jellyfish to live, we want...

What do we want?

We didnt make a hostage list?

Alright, we want $15 million!

[ Gunshots ]

We the best!

[ Cheering ]

Tell my family I love them.

I wont let you down.

�Cornell. �Unky!

Oh, come sit on Unky lap.

Ha ha! Ooh.

Dad? Are you okay?

Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.

Hey, um, you were really great back there.

All those years of fighting,

we could have been getting drunk together.

Girl, I hear theres an episode of "Scandal" on tonight.

You know, I really like you

when you dont have something stuck up your ass.

Eh, oh, yeah. I almost forgot.

Aah!

♪

♪

Hey, homey! Thats my hot dog!