Original subtitles

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In a victory for West Hollywood locals today,

Rhinestone Man was finally caught after making

numerous threats at local restaurants.

He was caught at a diner this morning around 7 AM

after making threats that, I quote, "Im going to kill you.

I have a gun. Im going to kill you with a gun."

We have footage of the apprehension.

[ Sirens chirping in background ]

Yall [ bleep ] aint never got what I want!

♪

The mailman here.

Huh?

Nigga, the mailman here.

What?

Nigga, the mailman here.

Aah!

The mailmans here, mother [bleep]!

"The Mailman Is Here: Part 5"

coming soon.

Say sorry! Nigga, I got a family.

Say sorry!

Got an envelope?

I aint got no envelope, but, baby,

that Jasper Dolphin can lick my ass and put me in a box!

Uhhhh. What?! I love "Part 5" movies.

Daddy, can we go?

Please, please, please, please, please, please.

No. Its a pretty bad storm out there tonight.

I think its safer for us to just stay home.

Please, please, please.

Whoo! Barry! I lost the power at my house.

Now, I dont know what the [bleep] yall was watching,

but I know it aint better than "Crohns Disease Wrestling."

[ Bell dings ]

[ Both groaning ]

There you go! Lock him up, nigga!

Lock him up! Thats what Im talkin bout.

Chrons Wrestling looks like some bullshit.

Lets watch "Reginalds World." Its the 13th season premiere.

[ Applause ]

Damn!

Im late.

You always late.

You always [bleep] late.

You always late.

You always [bleep] late.

Grow up. Grow up. You always [bleep] late.

You always [bleep] late.

What you got to say about yourself?

You always [bleep] late.

Im sorry. Im gonna show you.

Im sorry.

[ Laughter ]

Come on, man. Come on, man.

Have you lost your damn mind?

Shhhh!

Come on, man!

Argh! Argh!

[ Continues groaning ]

That attacked me!

♪

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

One in every four vacuum comes and attacks a man.

But it takes a real man to worship a vacuum.

Man: I know you!

♪

Those some nice jeans, man.

Whered you get them? They not for sale.

I didnt ask you if they was for sale.

I asked where you got them.

And I asked you, they not for sale!

♪

[ Groans ]

♪

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Gasps ] Those jeans!

Yeah, they cool, right?

Those are Lucius jeans.

Ouch!

You didnt just steal anyones jeans.

You didnt just kill anyones turtle.

♪

You did these things to the deadliest man on the planet...

♪

[ Hawk screams ] Lucius.

♪

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[ Grunts ] H‐hey, guys.

Sorry to interrupt, but my shows on.

[Bleep] your show, nigga!

This is my homeboy daddy house.

Thats right. Its not your house,

its none of yalls house.

Now, get the [bleep] out of here.

Ha‐ha. See, I told you.

Thats why we watching my shit tonight. On my ma‐‐

Aah!

See, yall play too much, man.

I hate yall niggas.

♪

Aight, welcome back to "The Bacherella."

Last time we was on here, Bones and D‐Rail

were getting [bleep] kinky, dog, at Mikes quinceañera.

Lets take a look what happened in the night.

...and thats what Im sayin, dude.

Like, you know I aint mean to shoot the whole spot up,

but like ‐‐

♪

Yo, I aint gonna hold you.

When Snake kissed me,

guy has some of the craziest tongue action I ever.

Aw, man. I never win anything.

Nigga, you was on the show. How you just finding out now?

Hey, Barry, its a really bad storm ‐‐

Bad storm. Yes we know, nigga. Now, what you want to watch?!

My soaps are on, man. "Doctor Stain"!

We need a nurse! We need a nurse!

[ Man groaning ] We need a nurse!

We need a nurse! ‐Im a doctor.

He has Ebola.

[Bleep]

Not my nigga! Not my nigga!

How are you feeling?

Lord, not my nigga!

Im gonna need you to calm down.

Well, Im a doctor, nigga. What you need?

Not my nigga, Lord.

You all right, nigga? Help my nigga!

Whats goin on? Help my ‐‐ he ate the taquito!

All right, nigga. We need a nurse!

We need a nurse!

He ate the taquitos!

All right, nigga, this is what we gonna do.

Were gonna have to push this one out.

Its "Doctor Stain"!

[Bleep] Push it out, nigga.

Not my nigga. Not my nigga.

Push it out. Not my nigga.

[ Squelching ]

[ Groaning ]

Not my nigga.

He about to push this [bleep] ‐‐

[ Infant wailing ] Dude, keep going.

[Bleep] Its all right.

Jesus. Its cool.

Pray for these niggas... I pray for these niggas, bro.

[ Infant wailing ]

Damn, thats a cute baby, nigga.

Whats the baby name? Can I kiss the baby?

[ Smooching, audience cooing ]

♪

[ Static hissing ]

Damn, that baby bitch kind of sexy, nigga.

Okay, hollup, hollup. Look, I know theres a little

Hurricane Katrina outside, but this aint no FEMA camp.

Hurricane Katrina? Who is that?

All I know is theres a real strong storm outside.

Well, too bad, cause yall got to get the [bleep] out ‐‐

...of here! Im not playing no [bleep] games!

If my son wants to watch "Reginalds World,"

hes gonna watch "Reginalds World," bitch!

[ All screaming ]

Power outages.

[ All screaming, window shatters ]

♪

[ Sniffing ] Ah. Ah. Ah, yeah.

Ah, yeah. I can tell this may be

a white BMW,

maybe 2000, 2002?

Hyunh!

[ Screaming ]

You said you loved me! I do.

You was my heart.

I didnt mean for hurt you.

You dont sleep with me no more!

Babe, Im sorry.

Sorry? Sorry?

Im sorry!

You said youre sorry. You said youre sorry.

I love you. I love you. You said you were sorry, but I‐‐

[ Screaming, blows landing ]

Hey, everybody, stop.

Stop! I have a very important announcement to make.

They bout to show Stevie Wonders dick pics

on BETMZ.

[ Scattered cheers ]

Im here for this.

Mmm, my‐my, Imma kinda...

♪ My cherie... ♪

Hey, man, this remote isnt working.

Man: Nigga, thats your cellphone.

Ohh. Uh...

Nigga, hold it, hold the camera still, man!

Hmmm. I guess I can take a photograph of my...wee wee.

Then get it on already then, Goddamn it!

Am I... Am I gonna...?

[ Shutter clicking ]

He gonna get it right. He gonna get it right.

[ Muttering ]

That aint it, nigga.

Yo, your dick is down here.

Oh, there it is. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Ah, yeah.

Come on! Come on. Come on.

Come on, nigga, come ‐‐

[ Thunder crashing ] Aw, yeah‐‐

Oh, man!

Now well never see

what Stevie Wonders dick looks like!

Well, neither will he.

[ Laughter ]

Shit, I seen it.

Debbie, you cheated on me with Stevie?

All right, everyone stay.

But Debbie, you get the [bleep] out of here!

Oh, my God, Barry. This was before you.

You about to be jealous of a blind nigga with a big thickums?

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[ Conversing in alien language ]

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Eh, hemi, thats my hog dag!

[ Laughs ]

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