Original subtitles

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Hey, baby.

Just because your bones are broke

dont mean you have to be.

Wesley Patterson helped me sue NASA,

and they gave me my own planet!

He got me $75 trillion and this small hat.

Have you ever said "Ahh! Oooh!"

or "Damn, that hurts!"

and didnt get paid for it?

Im personal‐injury attorney Wesley Patterson,

better known as "Big Daddy Claim."

♪ Big Daddy Claim! ♪ ♪ Big Daddy Claim! ♪

Any lawyer can get you the money you deserve,

but I can get you that money you dont deserve.

Call me now. And remember ‐‐

get hit in the ass, Ill get you cash!

Or the other one you can remember is,

one mans crash is another mans cash.

Or another one is, uh ‐‐

[ Announcer speaking rapidly, indistinctly ]

And welcome back to "The Steve Harvey Show."

Now, we are here with the sexy ‐‐ and I mean sexy ‐‐

star of "Django: the Musical" ‐‐ Tyrese Gibson.

Dad! You always ruin Tyrese interviews.

I wish I was adopted.

You are adopted.

Im adopted?

[ Cries ]

Yeah, what the hell, Barry?

Tyrese is giving away free tickets if you can say

"Shayla" 30 times in one minute.

I turned the TV off so I can turn you on.

What are you you talking about, [bleep]?

Thats not my name tonight.

The name is Niggalicious.

Ew. Dad, do you seriously

have to do this right now, in front of me?

Where else are you gonna learn about the birds and the bees?

Porn, like every other normal adolescent American.

Man, I thought we was gonna do something exciting,

like play Yahtzee or something.

Well, there is a Yahtzee party happening in my pants,

and you are the only one invited.

Oh, God. Oh.

Oh. This is child abuse.

You want some of this, too?

No.

Then, shut the [bleep] up and get the [bleep] out the kitchen,

cause Martha Stewart is about to bake this [bleep].

Im gonna throw up.

Barry, this is boring as hell.

A bitch like me dont like all this romanticism.

I need excitement in my life.

We dont have paper towels?

Well, excuse me for trying to give a little D to my big D.

KY: We dont have any paper towels.

Im going out to drink and drive.

[ Glugs, belches ]

KY: In my sock right now, like ‐‐ like ‐‐

I tried riding the pony, but it didnt work.

Welp, time for phase two.

♪

[ Horns honking ]

[ Tires squeal ]

♪

[ Tires screech ]

Ow!

[ Crowd gasping, muttering ]

My neck, my back, my neck and my back.

The police on their way.

Aw, lady, stop acting like you hurt.

Look what you did to my car!

‐Maam, youre under arrest. ‐The hell?!

Maam, stop resisting.

Get yo mitts off me!

Is there a problem here, officers?

Wait a minute.

You that fine ass sexy bar of milk chocolate

from the TV, Wesley Patterson.

Not you again. Look, Big Daddy Claim...

♪ Big Daddy Claim! ♪ ♪ Big Daddy Claim! ♪

This woman has obviously been drinking,

and she hit this poor, old lady.

First of all, officers, this poor old lady cannot be trusted.

And thats because this poor old lady really is...

ta‐da! Grown‐ass man!

All right, all right. Damn, bro.

I was gonna get my [bleep] braided this week, bro.

Damn. See?

She is most definitely is a man,

and Im about to take her him ass to court.

Bro, bro, here, bro, look.

Just take this, bro.

I cant go back to jail, bro.

I got priors, bro.

I think your work is done here, bitch boys in blue.

Wow!

You make me want to start a new relationship with you.

This is what you do?

[ Laughs ]

Theres more where that crash came from, baby.

I like your drunk driving technique.

Here. Take my number.

Why, thank you. But I dont know.

I usually dont take numbers from strangers.

Bitch, I aint no stranger. I got diamond shoes.

The name is Debbie, Daddy.

But you can call me "Debbie" for short.

[ Chuckles ]

You got an exciting future ahead of you, Debbie, for sure ‐‐

as long as Wesley is in it.

Be safe. And if you dont...

call me.

Are you sure this gonna work?

Samuel Desean: Have most black men been shot by the police?

Of course!

Im just gonna walk you through, and tell you what to say and do.

[ Car approaching ]

Oh, [bleep]! Shes here!

She just pulled up!

Samuel Desean: Okay. Now, its time to bring out the big guns.

Just do as I say.

♪

Mm, mm, mm.

My African Nubian queen.

Youve been marching through my mind all day.

Now why dont you relax, and let me wade in that water?

Put this Huey P in your Newton.

Wait a minute.

Samuel Desean, is that you?

You know you done [bleep] up, right?

Damn it. I told you this wasnt gonna work.

Barry, I cant believe you tried to get in my drawls

using Samuel Deseans tired‐ass lines.

It worked in 1995 with your bald ass.

Wait a minute. Who you calling bald?

Why do we have to keep bringing up old relationships?

Oh, well. We tried.

Good night.

Well, damn. So, all of this came from accidents?

Yes. From accidents, but not on accident.

Im a man that makes things happen, Debbie.

I only lost one case in my whole career.

Announcer: And Eddie Griffin got comfortable

behind the wheel of a rare Ferrari Enzo.

Brother cant drive.

This whole set‐up is cool and all,

but, um, I dont need the money.

Oh, its not about the money.

Its about what you do with the money.

Check this out.

Thats the night I set myself on fire and sky dived

into Queen Latifahs pool.

And this is me getting bit by Bubbles at the Neverland Ranch.

You know I sued that [bleep].

[ Laughs ] Which one?

Both of them.

And this is Tyrese [bleep] my lip piercing back in 98.

I let it slide, so lets just say he owes me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You know Tyrese ‐‐ crying ass Tyrese,

baby boy Tyrese from "Django: The Musical"?

Do I know him? [ Laughs ]

She asked, "Do I know him?"

Do I know him?

Well, I ‐‐ I dont know him personally.

But my lawsuits are famous, baby.

In fact, I got two court‐ordered seats to see "Django."

Im way too busy doing exciting [bleep], but you can go.

Ooh‐whee. You sure live an exciting life.

Ooh, if I wasnt married...

[ Chuckles ]

Just think, Debbie.

All of this ‐‐ uh, uh, 10% of this excitement could be yours.

Ha! Its already been thunk.

Im in.

Now, pay attention.

You see that orange Honda over there with the little gold rims?

Uh‐huh. What about it?

Three Wesleys, two Wesleys, one Wesley.

[ Laughs ]

Yes!

Well, damn!

You got these streets on lock!

Oh, not just the streets.

Okay, then! Okay, then!

See, what I do is, I pay the pigeons to disrupt the engines.

Its easy money.

I mean, for that kind of money, I could be about this life.

Girl, dont talk about it, be about it.

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Wesley, you wont believe what the hell I saw toda‐‐

What the hell is going on?!

See, when you run a business like this,

youve got to keep your eyes on everyone.

And you just in time for your new assignment, Debbie.

We need your husband to get in a little, um, "accident."

Are you crazy? Sometimes I love Barry.

Well, your husband must really love you, too,

because he got the best life‐insurance policy

Ive ever seen in my life.

I mean, if he were to...

die... [ Laughs ]

You demented, crazy ass mother‐‐

Ooh! You got the wrong bitch!

You aint about to play me for no fool.

Im out! ‐Aye, go ahead and leave.

I got thousands of drivers in every state ‐‐

Young, old, men, women, black, white,

Puerto Rican, Cocker Spaniel, gay, straight, crocodile,

truck driver, library bitches ‐‐

all of them. I dont need you, bitch.

I warned ya. But you better have your ass here tomorrow.

I aint gonna fight for it, though,

so your ass better be safe.

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Barry, Im sorry for being such a bitch lately.

But you know what? All that is behind me,

in the past, and I just want to focus on tonight,

and have a good time seeing "Django: The Musical."

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

Hey, thats that lawyer guy from the commercial.

Why is he still looking at you like that?

I guess I should tell you.

I thought I needed more ‐‐ bam!

What the hell are you doing?!

I did it. We aint got time!

Move over and let me drive!

Theyre trying to kill us!

No. Its time for me to be a man!

Damn, Niggalicious. That was sexy.

[ Screams ]

Now, this is what the hell Im talking about!

You want Tyrese?

Im gonna give him to ya, girl.

I made $13,000 a month!

What more do you want from me?

Gasp!

‐Ugh, my arm! ‐Wow.

That man done hit you from the back, cuz.

Hey, yall, yall aint seen nothing.

Yes, we did! I filmed the whole thing, cuz!

Shit! I recorded the whole thing, too!

Shit! Me too, cuz!

Shit!

You could probably sue him for, like...

$18 billion, to be paid $100 a week for 2,000 years.

Hey, baby.

Just because your bones are broke

doesnt mean you have to be.

Call Niggalicious.

♪ Niggalicious! ♪ ♪ Niggalicious! ♪

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Man: Hey hemi, thats my hot deg!