Original subtitles

♪

♪

Today is the first day of your future,

the place you will most likely spend the rest of your life.

Join the trillions of other men, women, and young boys in Speedos

who have discovered what Peanuts can do for them.

Its time to break out of your shell.

What have you got to lose?

[ Engine revs ]

Peanuts has flipped these Fortune 400 companies

into Fortune 500 companies,

and were determined to do the same for yours.

If yes them, why no you?

Before Peanuts, I was poor, broke,

and taking dookies on the sidewalk.

Now?

I own all of these Port‐a‐Potties.

When working with Peanuts,

youll never have to work for peanuts ever again!

Yeah! Not ever, ever, ever, ever.

Thats bunk!

So, as you might have guessed

after watching this informative video,

the rumors are true.

I slept with Rons wife.

Just kidding.

Ive sold the company to these sweet, little, brown,

bulbous nuts.

Now, I want to assure everybody

that absolutely nothing will change

except possibly the entire business.

But thats totes not really my problem anymore.

Ta‐da!

Im Arnold the head peanut in charge.

I aint trusting these nuts, fam.

I might actually have to agree with Samuel.

Peanuts aint really nuts anyhow.

[ Laughs ] Guilty as charged.

We are legumes.

Look, if anybody has any questions and/or concerns,

feel free to meet me in my office.

[ Clears throat ] I, uh, got questions and/or concerns.

Why dont you meet in my office

a. k. a. the alley right now, bitch?

I dont know.

I think change can be a good thing.

Whoo‐ho! Thats more like it.

Uh...

‐Barry. ‐Barry!

Now there is a powerful name.

Such a strong name.

In this nuts eyes, youre exactly what we need ‐‐

Jelly.

How would you like a promotion?

Or how about two promotions?

Now I think youd make an excellent COO...

OO.

COOOO?

Gosh. I dont know what to say.

All: Say yes! Say yes! Say yes!

Im gonna say...

yes.

[ Siren wailing, bell ringing ]

He said yes!

♪ Invisible soccer, everyones a winner ♪

♪ All the goalies fine

Congrats, Dad. Thats amazing.

People said I was a loser because I married a loser,

but look at me now.

I came the hell up!

I knew I was "Real Housewife" material.

What does your new job entail?

Its weird. I didnt think to ask.

Either way, Im proud of you.

Proud of him? For what?

You should be proud of me.

Im the one that married him.

And now, considering how instantly Ive become

accustomed to this lifestyle, you better keep that job.

Its nothing but top shelf for this bottom bitch for now on.

Oh! Work!

Heads up, Dad.

[ Clattering, glass shattering ]

Ooh, sorry.

I probably shouldnt be doing this in the house.

Good morning, Mikey.

Ill have my usual peanut butter smoothie, please.

Im sorry! What was that?!

Um, what happened to Mikey?

Mikey won the lotto! He doesnt work here anymore!

Really? Oh, shit. Wow.

So do you have anything thats, um, nut free?

Everything here is nut free!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪

You wont believe what happened this morning

at the smoothie spot.

[ Gasps ]

Is everything okay?!

What happened to Chata?

Im not sure! Im just a temp peanut!

I mean, Ill always been a peanut, obviously!

But Im not sure!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

‐Oh. ‐Good morning, Barry!

Ooh, what you drinking there?

All‐dairy nut latte.

Wow. Excellent choice.

May I have a sip?

[ Slurps, gargles ]

Ugh.

[ Sighs ] Nothing like the taste and texture of real cow milk

in the back of your throat, huh, Barry?

Where is everybody?

Why, thats a fantastic question.

Everyone in the office won the Powerball lottery yesterday,

and they all quit at the same time.

Peanut: Dun‐dun‐dun!

Oh, sorry!

I ‐‐ I thought it said music cue in the script!

Everyone?

Everyone except for Samuel Desean, and Chata.

Those two called in sick.

Hope its not a peanut allergy!

Get it?! [ Laughs ]

You will let me know if they come in, wont you, Barry?

Uh‐huh.

[ Music playing indistinctly ]

[ Laughs ]

Whoa.

Whats going on?

Nigga, whats going on?

Evil‐ass peanuts have taken over the Walla,

and youve been helping them every step of the goddamn way.

Theres nothing illegal about a free‐market economy.

I thought this was America.

Its too late.

They turned him out.

Sorry, bro.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Chata.

Nah. Whats done is done.

Barry got a point.

This is America.

If we execute him, another star‐shirted peanut puppet

will just pop up in his place.

Say, Barry.

How familiar are you with culinary history?

What kind of question is that?

Its the only question that matters.

♪

Barry, I think its very important for you to hear

what George Washington Carver has to say, playboy.

My story begins at the dawn of time...

In the beginning, there was a battle for Earth

between peanuts and man.

The wily peanut, with its superior intellect

and lack of scruples,

was able to get the upper hand on the early man.

Eventually mankind would find its footing

and put the peanuts in their proper place on bread,

in brittle, and any number of tasty Thai dishes.

Yeah!

Although degraded and all but erased from history,

peanuts would never stop attempting to gentrify the Earth

with their vegan cafés and their SoulCycle franchises

and the stupid‐ass little craft breweries.

I, George Washington Carver,

am last in a line of the once proud peanut slayers,

but now, I am tired.

So very tired.

And I am afraid that I have cracked my last nut.

The battle is upon us.

The peanuts have returned.

It is now up to you, Barry, you are the chosen one.

First COOOO, now the chosen one?

Thats a lot of promotions for one day.

If you do not have the balls to take on these nuts,

then maybe the war is finally lost.

Real talk?

If you let that happen, Barry, Im not your friend anymore.

♪

[ Whimpers ]

♪

[ Door creaks ]

All: Surprise!

Surprise!

Woman: Surprise!

I tried to invite all your work friends,

but its like they all mysteriously disappeared.

[ All chanting "Barry!" ]

Congratulations, Mr. Jelly.

KYs so lucky to have a daddy like you.

I wish you was my daddy.

Thanks, young man.

KY, I need you to act normal.

Now grab your three most precious belongings

and meet me at the car.

Dad, you better not be a penis blocker.

You do have a penis, right?

Cornell, the peanuts have a genocidal ‐‐

God, Dad! Get off the court! Hello?

Invisible soccer game! Duh!

Ooh, yeah.

‐Whoa. ‐Baby, I want to meet your boss

and thank him personally

for finally making something out of you.

Debbie, I need you to listen to me.

‐No, you listen. ‐This is serious.

No, this is serious.

[ Gargling ]

Damn it. Think, Barry. Think.

♪

Going somewhere?

[ All speaking indistinctly ]

Hes got a knife!

Ugh!

[ Horn blaring ]

Ugh, my head.

My aching head.

All I know is you better not have

gotten yourself fired, Barry.

Fellow nuts!

Hear me!

The compete and total gentrification of Walla Walla

is now within our grasp.

I call it people butter!

Now time to add the jelly!

No, wait. You dont have to do this.

There has to be another way.

[ Laughter ]

[ Grinders whirring ]

[ Gunshot ]

[ Winch stops ]

I thought you were dead!

Looks like old G. W. C. still got one last nut to bust!

Youre going to learn today why they call me

George Washington, The Carver.

Theres a "the"?

[ Grunts ]

Aah!

Hoo‐wah!

Aaaah!

Hoo‐wah!

Aaaaaa...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Hwah!

Aaaaaah!

Oh, no! Holy shit!

[ All screaming ]

[ Gunshots ]

Theyre all dead.

Everyone is dead, and its all my fault.

Its a damn shame. You still get paid, though, right?

Hey, you guys. This people butter press got a reverse lever.

Well, what are you waiting for, man?! Pull the damn thing!

I got it, man. Chill, fool.

[ Machine beeps ]

♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Damn!

Right back to where we started.

Well, my work here is done.

Now I can finally rest in peace.

Hwah!

♪

Hwah!

♪

Hwah!

♪

Hey hemi, thats my hot deg!