Original subtitles

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I’m telling you,

it was the craziest movie of all time!

That "Air Bud" fella is something special, yo.

Not only can he understand 100% of what humans say,

but he can also play every single...

[ Giggles ]

[ Romantic music plays ]

[ Sighs ]

She is just so perfect!

Just go say something to her ‐‐ anything.

You’re right. It’s time I be assertive.

It’s time I take charge.

I’ll be back.

I can’t believe how allergic to dogs I am.

The second I touched it,

my throat started closing up. [ Gasps ]

Oh, my God, Tanya!

So are your parents gonna return it,

or you keeping it?

That was fast.

So did you ask her out?

Did she say yes? Even better!

You’re not gonna believe this, Reggie,

but Tanya loves dogs!

She talked about touching one

and putting things down her throat afterwards.

I have to get one!

It will, without a doubt, lead to sex.

Are you sure?

I heard dogs are really expensive.

I don’t know how it could fit in somebody’s throat.

[ Groans ]

[ Gulps ]

♪

[ Kids yelling ]

[ Hip‐hop music playing ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Barks ]

My parents are gonna kill me for this.

[ Whines ]

[ Laughter ]

And when he leaves his wife on page 32,

girl, I just about lost it.

Me, too. But she should have seen it coming,

so that’s her fault, if you ask me.

Got herself caught out there.

Why you always talk about books every time we get together?

That shit is boring!

There’s so much more other shit out there.

Because, Debbie, we’re in a book club.

♪

[ Panting ]

So, what do you say we get out of here?

[ Barks ]

[ Idyllic music plays ]

[ Barking ]

[ Laughing ]

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[ Laughs ]

[ Groans ]

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[ Smooches ]

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[ Gasps ] [ Growls seductively ]

[ Smooches ]

[ Hardening noise ]

[ Whines ]

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[ Keyboard Clacking ]

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Cornell: What the hell?

[ Grunts ]

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[ Slurps ]

[ Coughs ]

I suppose you’re wondering what I’m doing here.

But, first, let’s get some essentials out of the way.

My name isn’t Carla. It’s Spike.

Oh, man! Sorry about that.

Do you want to take the bow off then?

I’ll be the one driving the conversation here.

I come from a long line of notable dogs and bitches.

My great‐grandfather was a police dog

who bit Martin Luther King Jr.

My uncle was a service dog for Ray Charles.

And my aunt is Katherine Heigl.

So it should come as no surprise

I was recruited by the CIA.

I’ve been tracking a really evil entity for a while now

that seems to have settled down in your neighborhood.

But it took me a while to get here.

I knew I needed an in,

so I made my way over to the house

of an unsuspecting young girl.

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Whimpers ]

Aw!

Spike: Of course, I covered myself in poison ivy

so she would think she was allergic to me.

I knew she would tell everyone why she no longer had a dog.

So, eventually,

I would end up in someone’s home.

That plan is genius.

It’s like 9/11!

Exactly. But I need your help.

I’ll need you to take me to the home of an ally.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Knocks on door ]

Ha! [ Barks ]

Nigga!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Buzzer sounds, alarm blares ]

[ Clanging loudly ]

This is so cool!

Don’t act like you ain’t know I got style.

[ Thuds ]

[ Gasps ]

You know I’m here for you, Spike.

You had my back when I needed you most,

and I’ve also been sensing

the same evil forces in our neighborhood.

I knew I could count on you.

Now, I don’t know much,

but I do suspect that the current mayor is involved.

The evil forces can be killed by chocolate

and that most of our victims get turned into sandwiches.

Oh, my God! I had a sandwich yesterday!

Do you think I ate a person?!

[ Grunts ] Focus, man!

The plan is for us to follow the mayor around

until you secure chocolate.

Do you think you can handle that? Of course!

To my Black Mobile!

[ Dramatic theme music plays ]

[ Engine starts ]

[ Turn signal clicking ]

[ Siren wails ]

Hi, there.

Were you aware that you were speeding?

Come on, man! I just got in my car.

Oh, ho, ho!

I see we got ourselves a world‐class comedian

over here. Excuse me?

You have 85 days to pay your ticket,

Richard Pryor.

[ Siren wails ]

[ Siren wails ]

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Hey, yo, Mr. Mayor, I’m so glad I ran into you.

I was wondering, after last week’s incident,

if you would consider adding a traffic light

at 5th and Broadway.

Don’t be walking up on me,

asking me questions like I could help you.

Aah!

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[ Growls ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Gasps ]

Whoa! All right, Chris Rock.

[ Laughs ]

[ Siren chirps ]

Woman: You have arrived at your destination.

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Hey! I’m gonna need you to come with me.

Whoa! [ Siren wails ]

Oh! This is unbelievable.

Can’t believe this is ‐‐

What about ‐‐ yeah!

[ Snarling ]

What did I tell you?

Man: Cargo shorts, aisle three.

This is all stuff white people like.

What is Leonard doing in here?

Um, excuse me,

but do you know where I can find a label‐maker?

Taylor Swift?

Of course you assumed I work here.

It’s in aisle five.

[ Growls ]

Gluten‐free M&Ms, aisle six.

Are you sure he went in here?

Leonard: Yeah, he’s sure.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Sniffing ]

[ Both gasp ]

[ Maniacal laughter ]

[ Barking ]

[ Growls ]

This does not look good.

Don’t worry.

Samuel should be here any minute with chocolate.

[ Theme music continues ]

Samuel: Hey!

We just passed my destination.

I’m sorry, man!

But you’re in an Uber pool.

I got to take the route it tells me.

Is this really necessary?

Who buys these chairs anyway?

I bet you’re wondering

how I knew you was following me.

No, not really.

I woke up today,

and Twitter told me I had a new follower.

I know the population of this city

and how many people I have on Twitter,

so I knew someone outside the city

had to be watching me.

So, naturally, I went to the store

and bought $270,000 worth of surveillance equipment.

But in order to remain undetected,

I needed to be inconspicuous,

and I held auditions for the decoys.

But all of them sucked.

So I was forced to open up this acting school.

All of this stressed me out, so I needed a quick break.

But all that smoking made a nigga hungry.

As I ate my tasty‐ass sandwich,

I notice the van that was following me from earlier.

So knew it had to be you two who was following me.

[ Growls ] [ Chittering ]

[ Barking ]

Before you kill us,

can you tell us everything there is to know

about the evil forces?

It’s been my life’s work, and I deserve to know.

What evil forces?

[ Door bangs open ] Samuel: Have no fear!

Samuel’s here!

Samuel! I thought you were bringing chocolate.

I did.

Everyone, I would like you to meet Chocolate.

Hello, boys.

We’re done for.

All right, look,

enough of the small talk.

[ Gun cocks ]

Quick, untie us!

[ Gasps ] [ Growls ]

I believe you outnumbered now.

Hey. Is that a Black Lives Matter pin?

[ Ting! ]

As a matter of fact, it is.

You support the movement?

Do I?

[ Ting ]

You’ve got hear my plan

to take Black Lives Matter to space.

See, no one has colonized Mars yet,

so I figure if black people

are the first people they see there,

the aliens can demscriminate

against white people instead.

Discriminate. Oh, same damn thing.

Yo, that’s some next‐level shit.

We gotta grab some coffee sometime, you know.

Flea: Buzz. I just landed on your face.

Buzz.

[ Growls ]

Build and bounce some ideas!

You know, I’d love to join your efforts.

Yeah! I’m glad we could work our issues out peacefully!

Why you not getting me off your face?

Buzz. [ Whines ]

[ Growling ]

Oh! What the hell did you do that for?!

Yeah, what the hell, man?!

We just started putting aside our differences!

Leonard: Busted!

It was him!

He killed my dog!

Ha! ha! Yeah, I’m snitching!

You right, yeah, I’m snitching, nigga!

You don’t understand.

He wasn’t even a dog at all.

He didn’t even smell my butt!

I bet y’all wondering

how I knew you were back here.

[ Chuckles ] See, it was simple.

I was checking my Twitter feed,

when I saw I had two extra followers this morning.

And then I went to work,

and I saw this dog in the parking lot

dressed like a... [ Low rumbling ]

Huh?!

[ Screams ]

(Silence)

Man: Ay hemie, that’s my hot deg!

[ Laughs ]

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