Original subtitles

♪

♪

That right, I already did the math and it turns out,

there enough room in space to fit 972 billion niggas

and three Lambos.

Not including space himself, who is obviously a nigga, too.

Now, who wanna sign up first?

[ Audience booing ]

All bitches in here. Look you at you, you, you.

Y’all a ‐‐ Y’all a bunch of old uppity ‐‐

Someone please get him out of here.

I ain’t goin’ nowhere! Black space matters!

Black space matters!

Mervin Collins, the floor is yours.

[ Clears throat, feedback rings ]

I’m, uh, I’m here tonight

because someone said I couldn’t be myself.

I’m tired of not being able to eat at certain restaurants

just because I can’t wear a shirt.

I can’t get a job, can’t go to the movies.

It hard being a whale.

I think this town lacks leadership

and someone who willing to stand up for the little guys.

So I’m gonna change things

for all those that can’t be themselves.

I’m running for mayor!

[ Cheering ]

Leonard: Yo, you can run for these nuts, nigga.

[ Barks ]

Leonard Jenkins. It very nice to meet you.

Ha ha! You wastin’ time runnin’ against a nigga like me, son.

This my town, li’l boy. Now kick rocks ’fore I have

yo’ ass sleepin’ with the fishes, nigga.

Hey, l‐l‐look, man. I don’t want any trouble.

Yo, real talk? You tryna take my spot, son?

On my motha!

On my motha.

I’ma run up on you and I’ma grip up on that thang,

and even if I ain’t got no thang,

I’ma act like I got that thang...

[ Tires screeching ] ...and then I’ma ‐‐

[ Audience murmuring ]

Uh, what y’all lookin’ at?

Watch yo’ back, nigga.

♪

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]

What the...

Now, I might be a little drunk,

but I know I had a full bottle of ‐‐ [Gasps]

Honey, we need to talk. It for your own good.

And ours. Last night, you came in my room

and pissed on me while I was sleepin’.

And last week, you came up to the school naked

with a six‐pack of beer and attacked the janitor.

Oh, I see what goin’ on in here.

Y’all tryin’ to ambush a bitch with an intervention?

Yeah. We are.

[ Laughs ] Y’all gotta catch me first!

Please stop. Come back.

[ Grunting ]

I’m Iyanla Vanzant, and I’m here to fix your life.

♪

‐Jodeci! Come on! ‐[ Jodeci barks ]

Mayor Jenkins, can we get a word?!

What happenin’, cuz?

Is it true that a whale named Mervin

is going to take your place as town mayor?

[Bleep], where you hear that, blood?

’Cause I ain’t hear that. Yo, did you hear that?!

Nah.

Man: Don’t touch the camera. Don’t touch the camera!

If Mervin becomes mayor, will you have to give up your luxury

house and your lavish lifestyle being mayor has afforded you?

You think I’m fittin’ to let some Shamu [bleep] [bleep]

take everything a [bleep] worked hard for?

[Bleep], is you stupid?!

Besides, my homeboy daddy own this house!

Listen! I just need to ‐‐

[ Tires screeching ]

That what you need, some media attention.

How you gon’ run for mayor if you don’t know who you is?

You’re right. I need to find some people

to like me if I’m gonna get these signatures in two days.

Exactly man, look at me.

My black‐lives‐in‐space movement is taking off the way it is

because I cater to my market ‐‐ niggas.

Who, ironically, are black

and have lives that don’t matter.

But I’m the only whale that lives in this town.

Hmm. I got it!

Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave

if you can’t put a shirt on. This is a place of business.

Jesus Christ! It a strip club!

[ Water sloshes ]

Aw, damn!

Are you serious?!

Oops. My water broke.

Look, I’ll be right back.

I just need to drop him off at my mama house real quick.

[ Heavy metal version of "The Star‐Spangled Banner" plays ]

Hah!

[ Both grunting ]

[ Growling ]

Here we are, The Right to Bare Arms rally.

You got to be able to get some signatures here.

I don’t know about this one.

Oh, this is perfect, Merv. This is so you.

Look, man, it either this or we go downtown

with the free‐the‐nipple people.

Like it or not, these are your peers.

You really think they’ll support me?

There only one way to find out.

[ Microphone feedback rings ]

Hello, people. My name is Mervin,

and I’m running for mayor of this...arm‐covered...town.

Uh...hello. If ‐‐ If I could just

get your attention for one minute, please?

[ Shouting ]

Hear me out for a second, damn it!

Look, I know what it like to want to walk around here freely,

without getting harassed by the cops

just ’cause you wanna show a little arm or titty meat!

And it not right!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Y‐Yeah! And if I’m elected mayor,

I’m gonna get rid of shirt laws altogether,

and I’m gonna tell the asshole city council

to stick ’em in their dicks.

[ Cheering ]

Now we just need everyone that with me to sign right here.

[ Gun fires ]

[ Gun pumps, reloads ]

The real Mayor Leonard Jenkins is here.

And I’ma pass a law that not only let y’all bare all the guns

y’all want, it also gonna let you shoot

just as many niggas as the police.

On my moms, son! On my moms!

Why in the hell would we want to do that?

Guns hurt people!

We don’t even like weapons, dude.

Crowd: Yeah!

I mean, what y’all wanna do?!

[ Shouting ]

♪

Debbie, you really, really hurt your family beyond repair.

But Iyanla gonna fix it tonight.

Here, let me hold that.

Can you not touch my beer?

Come on, I’ll give it back.

No. I got this.

Now, which one of y’all snitched on me?

Debbie, just give me the beer.

Lady, please. This is my family.

Now, since I got such a drinkin’ problem, give me one example.

Just give me one.

‐I’m waitin’. ‐They already gave you two.

And what you’re doing right now makes three ‐‐

Lady, will you shut the hell up?!

You do not get to talk to me like that.

Then stop runnin’ your mouth!

You really messing up my buzz.

Mom! We just wanna get you some help!

[ Sobbing ]

[ Sighs ] You are so embarrassing, Debbie.

I’m through. I tried my best, but I’m done here.

Y’all gotta figure it out.

[ Sobbing continues ]

♪

Wow, 700 signatures? Great idea, Samuel!

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

Man, if I could just get that many people

to go with me to outer space.

Where are we gonna get the last 29 signatures from?

The deadline is tomorrow morning!

Hmm. We gonna have to bribe somebody.

Come on and think, what a gullible group of people

we can trick into signing a petition for someone

that ain’t got no real chance at being mayor?

Man, I got it!

[ Tires squealing ]

It for your own good, Debbie.

Trust me.

[ Sighs ] I feel dead inside.

I don’t if it because I haven’t had a drink,

but I just feel dead.

Picasso is dead! Walt Disney is dead!

Payless Shoes is dead! I’m dead!

Man: Yo, what up with you and Mervin, dawg?

I was in a little situation with a couple of dudes.

They was ’bout 15, 79, 100 [bleep] deep, whatever.

I was with Ma Dukes and all that, y’know what I’m sayin’.

Then these 2,000 [bleep]

gonna call themselves tryin’ to swing on me.

So I ran a little ways down the block, and I was like,

"All right, you [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]."

So I gripped up on that mother[bleep] thang,

and started to blast these [bleep],

shot all 4,000 of ’em.

Blau, blau! Blau, blau, blau!

And you know what, I ain’t even gonna lie ‐‐

I ain’t even have my mother[bleep] thang on me.

I just act like I shot these [bleep].

And they fell out on the goddamn street, too.

You know what I’m sayin’? And then they ran they way,

and I ran my mother[bleep] way.

So nothing happened to me! Nothing!

Merv, I’m comin’ for you, [bleep] ‐‐ on my mama!

♪

Oh hey, Khloé. Lamar in the back.

[ Shouting ]

Debbie? What are you doin’ here?

I’ve found a higher power and a new take on life.

Quitting alcohol is just the first step

in the right direction, and I’m never turning back.

Well, if you ever change your mind, I got a bottle for you.

First, Merv got a little announcement to make.

Hey, everyone, uh, just wanted to let you know

that I have drugs, and I am willing to give them all to you

for a simple signature. That it.

Khloé?

Hey yo, how we know you ain’t the po‐lice? [ Growls, barks ]

Psh. ’Cause he the future mayor.

Now y’all want these drugs or not?

Ye is in the buildin’!

[ Whooping ]

Ahhhhh!

Oh!

[ Man cackles ]

[ Inspirational music plays, fades ]

[ Door slams open ] N‐‐ Oh!

There he goes, officers! Arrest this nigga!

Mr. West, who gave you these drugs?

Aye, bruh, aye, bruh bruh.

I am Walt Disney.

Ayo, the major gave us these drugs!

What now?! Wait, what ‐‐ what happened?

Yeah, the Mayor came in here, in a brown trench coat

and said, "I’m the Mayor, these are drugs."

Oh, is that right?

Yah, officer, that correct.

Yo, yo, yo... Yo, these niggas lyin’, officer!

I ain’t give ’em nothin’! Yo, on my mother!

I’m ‐‐ Yo, get off me!

Move, move! Ow ‐‐ mama!

[ Laughs, grunts ]

♪

[ Moaning ]

[ Moaning continues ]

Ohh...

Aaaaah!

♪

Sorry, Mervin, but you’re one signature short.

Wait, wait, wait, what? That impossible.

Well, it looks like you have

Kanye and Walt Disney signature here.

Those are the same person.

I’m sorry but, unless you get one more signature

in the next three minutes, you’ll be ineligible.

Can’t you sign it?

Sorry, mm, [inhales sharply]

I’m not registered to vote.

Leonard: Well, well, well...

Looks like somebody needs one more signature.

Ain’t that right, Jodeci? [ Barks ]

Not now, Leonard.

I tell you what, nigga. Let make a deal.

You agree not to run for mayor,

and I’ll sign your last signature. [ Ting! ]

Are you serious?

Word is bond, nigga.

Now, deal or no deal, nigga?

Deal.

Stupid ass nigga. [ Laughing ]

[ Laughs ]

♪

Man, I hope your mom is okay.

She been gone a long time.

I’m excited to see what sober mama gonna be like.

[ Tires squealing ]

Debbie in the building!

Throw your hands in the air right now!

Debbie in the building, and...

♪

♪

Hey, homey! That my hot dog.

[ Laughs ]