Original subtitles

What do you want to know?

Um...

See that? A clock, calculator in one.

That's free. Thank you.

Oh, here we go.

(ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS) Three.

David. Paul Shepherd. Can you give us a call?

No!

Dave, it's Julian. Can you give us a ring, please?

Go away!

Good bloke. Good laugh.

David, it's Paul again...

Leave me alone!

It's fine. It is fine...

That's OK. It doesn't matter.

Take that there...

That's the old office.

Let's get you started.

No one is going to lose their jobs.

Yes, Head Office are talking of downsizing,

but they've said clearly

that the most efficient branch will incorporate the other one.

We are the most efficient branch -

cogito ergo sum - we'll be fine.

Why should they be worried, yeah?

They trust me implicitly.

I said there won't be redundancies, so that becomes gospel.

Unconditional trust. It's nice.

Mutual. Likewise. Reciprocated.

My only worry is that the powers that be don't come down here,

pop their head round the door with their rule book,

and go, "Oh, hold on, what's going on here?

"These people are mucking around."

Whilst getting the job done, they're having a laugh at work

with the Sword of Damocles hanging over them.

"This isn't in the rule book. Who's in charge?"

Guilty! Get a new rule book!

All right?

It works with the turtle.

(LAUGHTER)

OK. Good.

Finally, this young lady is Donna...

daughter of my best friends, Ron and Elaine.

She's lodging with me, so she's my responsibility,

and her dad's not only a copper, but he's a bloody big bugger,

so hands off.

I've got something she could take down in evidence!

Don't worry about this.

Do you want to receive some swollen goods?

Wouldn't mind escaping up her tunnel!

Get out.

Get out. I mean it.

Shame.

I will not have her tunnel

bandied around this office willy nilly.

OK. Help her to settle in.

If you do have any trouble from the men...

- What does she do, Dawn? - Kick them in the balls.

- Oh! Feminist. - Get your bra off.

- Do you want to go out? - Sorry. Burn your bra. Feminists.

Good point.

Obviously keep a T-shirt on, like Charlie Dimmock.

OK. That's it.

(TAPPING)

What are you doing? That's ridiculous.

Hello. Wernham Hogg.

Hang on. I'll put you through.

That is... You won't need to use that.

You've met this lot. This is Gareth,

who you saw in the meeting.

Formal introductions.

Hi. Gareth. Welcome.

Just a handshake's fine.

- And Ricky. - Hi. Nice to meet you.

Even longer.

And Tim.

- Hello. - Good.

OK. Settle her in. Get her started. Show her the phones and everything.

First, methinks the lady dost need a chair!

To sit down.

Maybe she should sit down here.

Then I could teach her the ropes.

That's my responsibility as team leader.

David? I'm just saying...

When people say...

"Would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss?"

my answer's the same - to me, they're not mutually exclusive.

There's a weight of intellect behind my comedy. Yeah?

If you were to ask me to name three geniuses,

I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton...

You know. I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett.

Sessions.

(TIM LAUGHS)

Have you got a licence to carry that?

Portable phone. Right?

Can you swap places with Donna, please?

No... I'm not moving.

Do as you're told.

What are you going to do, phone me?

- I am team leader. - I don't give a monkey's.

You're so immature.

Oh, Gareth, if there's one thing that I'm not, it is immature.

An immature little tosser.

(MOBILE RINGS)

- Gareth Keenan. - Cock.

- So... - David, I was just saying to Tim...

Looks like a... Doesn't it?

- Gun holster. - It's just my portable telephone.

- I was just saying to Tim maybe... - I just thought of something.

I know what you're thinking, did I make five or six calls?

The question is, do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?

- Clint Eastwood. - Spot on.

Let's let them get on with it.

We're all on-line here. Hooked up...

to the Worldwide Web - Internet.

No shopping. All right?

Everyone's got e-mail. Have you used e-mail before?

- Yeah. - Yeah. It's easy, isn't it?

- I'll just show her on here. - Yeah.

Oh, you got a new one. See where it says "New mail"?

Just click on that.

No.

No, it's not... Yeah. It's not funny.

Donna should not have to see me

as a woman with two men doing that all over me.

You got nice boobs.

No. It's just my head. They've put it on there...

Who else has seen this filth?

You know what I'm talking about.

You haven't even got e-mail, Joan.

Someone printed it out for me.

Who printed this out for Joan?

Well... I'm angry.

And not because I'm in it,

but because it degrades women...

which I hate.

And the culprit, whoever it is, is in this room.

Or she. It could be a woman.

Women are as filthy as men.

Naming no names - I don't know any -

but women are dirty.

Good friend of mine and a bloody good rep - Chris Finch.

IQ of 142. One of the cleverest blokes I know.

- The cleverest bloke you know. - Yeah.

He was in an argument once and he went,

"How can I hate women? My mum's one."

Yeah? There's a lot of truth in that.

That's why when I see... rubbish.

I'm not annoyed because I'm in it or I'm a prude.

- It offends women. - And our mums.

In a way. It's sexist, and I hate that.

- So do I. - Yeah, but I've said it.

We've had meetings where we've both said it.

- But I really hate it. - I've always...

The point is this, yeah,

we've got access to the Internet, but it is not censored.

Is that a good or a bad thing?

- Bad. - Well, it's not for us to say.

All I know is I can type in...

"Sex...

"Fetish."

It takes a little while.

2,230 matches. Yeah?

Just click on one at random.

Oh...

"Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs."

Now, you do not punish someone for having big boobs.

If anything, they should be rewarded.

- They should be equal. - Women are equal.

I've always said that, so...

- Do you want to play with my hair? - Huh?

- Play with my hair. - All right, then.

I've got kind of hot hands. Sorry.

That's all right. Just don't touch my head.

All it is...

Well...

Donna.

Yeah? My responsibility.

Away from home. I know boys will be boys.

Word from the top is...

- Hands off. - Yeah.

- Out of bounds. - Yeah.

- Look, but don't touch. - What do you mean by look?

Talk to her, be friendly...

- Don't get any ideas. - Yeah. Good.

Fine.

What if she's up for it?

You want to get this sorted out.

- What can we play now? - Don't know.

Ask around. Find out who did the picture, yes.

- Discreetly. - Undercover.

Well, don't go steaming in accusing people.

OK?

I'm trained in this. When I was in the army.

- Territorial. - Territorial Army.

Yeah. Whatever. OK?

OK. I will need some stuff.

Like what?

An office.

- Use the meeting room for now. - I can say it's my office, can I?

What?

I can say to people, "Come into my office"?

Well, while you're doing this, yeah.

Right.

- I'll make a sign. - You don't need a sign.

And if I need the meeting room for a meeting, it's the meeting room.

- Right. I'll take the sign down. - You don't need a sign.

(MOBILE RINGS) Don't make a sign.

Gareth Keenan.

- Who's that? - No one.

No, I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. Bye.

That's that, OK?

You go left, you go right, kick.

It's ding ding da!

Yeah, but I never said that was...

No, that was straight from "Thriller" though.

Because "Eeeh hee! Ah! Show more!"

- It's that. - Afternoon, Mr Jackson.

I know you're a superstar, but have you sent that fax yet?

Have you heard um...? Have you heard er...

Michael Jackson's new song?

He's teamed up with West Ham football team, apparently.

Doing, "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"!

The chimp.

She doesn't know football. Tell her later.

Have you heard George Michael's latest release?

- No. - His latest song. It's a release...

- Is it about blow jobs? - Yeah. It was a hand job.

(DONNA) Is it "Wank Me Off Before You Go Go"?

Um...

What's white and slides down toilet walls?

- I don't know. - Michael Jackson's latest release.

George Michael's.

Good, innit? Oh.

- Can you moonwalk? - Probably not any more.

- Give it a go? - Yeah. I used to...

- Drop your heels back. - You can't do it on this.

Oh, yeah, I know how to do it. I used to do all that stuff as well.

All that sort of stuff, yeah. Just like take control of the body.

It's all that now, isn't it?

- Busy? - Yes, er...

Keeping up morale.

- Can we have a chat? - Yeah.

Ooh!

Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith...

Thanks for coming in.

Now, you know what this is about. Obviously you've seen the picture.

- David on the computer... - I saw it.

Yeah. And we've all had a bit of a laugh about it.

- It was funny. - Yeah.

There's a time when the joking has to stop.

Not only is it derogatory...

David has trusted me with this because...

not only have I got people skills,

but I am trained in covert operations.

You know the phrase "Softly softly catchee monkey"?

I could catch a monkey. If I was starving, I could.

I would make poison darts out of the poison off deadly frogs.

On milligram of that poison can kill a monkey, or a man.

Prick yourself, you'd be dead within a day.

Or longer.

Different frogs, different times.

Do you know who done the picture?

Yup.

No. I mean, no.

Right. Your first answer was yeah.

- Wasn't it? - I meant no.

- Well, why did you get...? - I er... don't know.

Am I making you nervous?

No. I mean, yeah.

Hmm, that's interesting.

I've just spent two days in Swindon with Neil, and he's made some big changes.

Now, when we spoke on Friday,

you said you were going to instigate some changes. How is that going?

- Great. - Good. What have you done?

Changed many things, really.

In a global sense, streamlining,

the whole ongoing enterprise of it.

I'm sorry, David, that sounds like management-speak. You hate that.

Yeah, I do. So...

Well, can you give me, say, five practical changes that you've made?

- Five changes? - Mmm.

I'll give you three, then another two if you need them.

OK.

Efficiency. Turnover. Profitability.

That still sounds like management-speak.

- No, because... - You hate that.

- Shall I tell you what Neil's done? - Can do.

He's frozen any wage increases.

He's put a stop on all overtime.

And any purchases of �100 or more now go through him.

�100? I was going to make it 90, but �100 is all right.

And he has started making redundancies, David.

- That's only four. - Yeah. Whatever.

Have you made any redundancies?

I gave a speech only this morning to my staff,

assuring them there would be no cutbacks

and certainly no redundancies.

- Why on earth would you do that? - Why? Don't know.

A word that I think's important in management called morale.

Well, it's going to be worse for morale in the long run

when there are redundancies and you've told people there won't be.

They won't remember.

With your arms...

- Ah! - And then...

That way? Ooh!

Yeah, I know. Like a...

Yeah.

David, there have got to be cutbacks.

If you can't do that yourself, I'm your boss, I can do that for you.

You're not the boss here, and I've already made cutbacks.

- You've made cutbacks already? - Yeah.

I didn't want to tell the staff, but you...

Cutbacks where?

Staff.

So there have been redundancies?

Yeah.

- Have you let anyone go? - Yeah.

Who?

Julie.

Where does Julie work?

Warehouse.

What does she do?

She's a general warehouse... in the warehouse. She was, so...

I thought I knew everyone in the warehouse. What's her surname?

Second name?

Anderton.

Um... It's signs that Gareth's made for the door of his office.

He started off with "interrogation room".

He went to "interrogation office",

"investigation room"...

"investigation office", just for...

He really lost it here.

"Quiet please! Invetigation in process."

"Silence. Interrogation." That's frightening.

That's the one he's gone for. "Investigation and meeting room."

Makes sense. My personal favourite has to be...

"Gareth Keenan investigates."

So...

There's a lot of um...

- I'm trying to work in here. - Sorry, mate.

- How is the "invetigation" going? - Good.

Very good.

Do you need a deputy at all?

No. I've already got one.

All right, Sheila?

Keep it down.

This is scary, David.

Don't tie any more cash up in stock unless you have to.

I'm sure you could lose more people from down here. Who's the foreman?

Taffy!

Taffy!

- Glynn! - What?

We all call him Taffy.

The thing is though, no one's dispensable in my book.

We're like one big organism, one big animal.

Yeah? The guys upstairs on the phone - they're the mouth.

The guys down here, the hands.

- And what part are you? - Good question.

Probably the humour.

With responsibility comes harsh things.

Um... People look at me, they say, "Oh, he's tough. He was in the army.

"He's going to be hard. By the book."

But...

I am caring and sensitive.

Isn't "Schindler's List" a brilliant film?

Yeah.

See? People think a strong man can't be sensitive,

but I'm thoughtful and caring...

Sorry, what's this about?

About the picture of David with the two blokes jizzing on him.

Were they both jizzing on him?

I thought he was sucking one of them off.

I don't think...

No, look, it's just jizzing.

Well, I didn't do it.

Good. Fine.

Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.

I don't want you to think of me as your boss...

Well, you're not.

I'm higher up than you, so I am.

What I'm saying is, don't think of me as a boss,

- but know that I am. - I don't think you are.

I'm team leader, so I am. I'm higher up than you.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Gareth Keenan.

Right, seriously. Now, just stop it.

Yes. I've had office romances!

Loads.

Not here, another place I worked at.

Good-looking ones as well.

But they're not a good idea. Office romances.

It's like shitting on your own doorstep.

I've had loads of offers here, but I go, "No way."

Distracting. And that's actually one of the major arguments

against letting gay men into the army.

I haven't got a problem with that -

a gay man's not going to put me off, I can handle myself -

but if we were in battle,

is he going to be looking at the enemy or looking at me

going, "Oooh"?

You know? "He looks tasty in his uniform."

And I'm not homophobic.

Come and look at my CD collection.

You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys.

They're all bummers.

(DOG BARKS ON TV)

All right, lads? What are you watching?

- It's my dog shagging his dog. - Oh, yeah.

Glynn, David's made it clear to you you'll be losing personnel.

That's funny. Look at his face!

I'm sorry to interrupt, do you think you can lose any more staff?

- I know you lost Julie Anderton. - Who?

- Opening a can of worms. - Julie. David fired her.

- Never heard of her. - Loyalty.

When someone leaves, they no longer exist.

She never existed, did she?

- Well... - You made her up.

You back me into a corner and I act...

- You lied. - It's a form of acting.

Can you take this upstairs? We're busy.

- You don't look busy. - Do you want me to get busy, love?

Sorry?

Gazza likes some posh.

- A word with you now. - Yup.

That was out of order in a way.

- Ooh! - I'm not in trouble.

What she needs is a good shagging!

I might bloody have to now. See you later.

Now, then. You two.

Dawn and Tim.

What do you want, Gareth?

I've been assigned to find out who did the picture.

Right. Who was it?

- Well, I don't know. - Will you get fired?

- Will I get fired? - If you don't know.

Well, I'm doing investigations now. Was it one of you two?

Yes. Christ, you're good.

- Was it? - No!

I knew it wasn't.

I'm not going to fire you if you know anything

- because... - You couldn't.

- I could. - How?

I'd say, "You're fired. Clear your desk."

I'd say you don't have the authority.

Not true, not true.

Because in this room, I have special...

- Needs? - No. I am a special...

- Needs child? - No, and that's not funny.

- I won't have you fired because... - You couldn't.

That's all.

I can't believe their total lack of respect.

Not only did they undermine you in an authoritative sense...

(KNOCKING) Come in, Gareth.

...but they left an image in my mind

of you naked on all fours,

being quite literally done doggie-style.

David!

- Carry on. - What is it?

I've found the guilty man.

- Have you indeed? - Can this wait, David?

Er, yeah,

but if I tell you there's sexist pornography - which I hate -

going round the office, do you want it to wait?

Pornography?

- Who was it? - Surprise, surprise. It was Tim.

Shame. Good man. How can you be sure?

I found these pictures on his hard drive, from the Internet.

After investigation,

licensed by, carried out by...

Oh, no.

Urgh. I don't want you to see this. I don't want to see this.

That's worse than the one before.

Oh, I hope there aren't any more. There are more.

Well, he will have to be disciplined

because when the disciplining has to be done,

then the laughter stops for that amount of time, then continues,

rehabilitation notwithstanding.

It's everywhere. Oh.

How did you find out?

I suspected the pictures came off the Internet,

so I checked everyone's computer.

There is a log of every web page you've visited.

You just go to Internet Page and then... History.

- Well, it's not worth it... - It only takes a second.

I don't want to know how it's done, in a way.

Can you delete the history thing on the computer? We should really.

- David, this is a meeting. - Yeah, yeah.

OK. That's all. Anything else?

Taffy phoned from the warehouse.

- He's got a video for you. - Thanks.

- This is just one big boy's club! - Not really.

Seedy little men with seedy little jokes.

This morning, perfect example!

I do not want to be put in that position again.

Don't go down the warehouse.

Don't tell me where I can and can't go in my own company.

You're on very thin ice. You've already lied to me today.

What's that?

You don't have the guts to do your own job.

I don't have the guts?

If you're not man enough to do your job, I will do it for you.

Not man enough?

OK.

Come here.

Busy at work?

- Is there a problem? - Yeah. That.

Sorry. What's that?

I don't know. A dirty picture with my head on it, as a sex object.

And don't... You know I like a laugh, Tim.

Porno laughs are not funny, OK?

- I'm disappointed. - You think I did this?

Case closed.

Shouldn't I say that as it was my investigation?

What annoys me is you obviously didn't do it in your own time...

Whoa, whoa. Colombo here figured it out, did he?

Well, I must be guilty if you've got your best man on the case!

Stop trying to be funny for one second, Tim,

and listen, OK? Stop taking advantage of my good nature.

I can be like every other boss in this situation.

OK? Right?

You're taking the piss and I'm getting sick of it.

David, it wasn't me, OK? It was your good friend Chris Finch.

He used my computer.

He said he was your best mate and you'd find it hilarious.

Oh...

No, it is. That was never in question.

I think it's bloody hilarious. You're missing the...

Are you going to apologise to Tim?

I'll tell you about families. You don't have to, in a way.

So...

Are you going to apologise to Tim?

I have, in a way...

- Are you going to apologise now? - Yes!

S-s-s... sorry about that.

You covered for it so well, as well.

You were involved, but you covered.

I don't want to be here when you bawl out Finchy.

You won't be. It's not fair. Nor will you.

So it's not offensive now it's Chris Finch?

Let's not dwell on whether it is or isn't this or...

Let's stop degrading women, please.

Let's have a laugh with them, not at them.

Let's have a laugh at work,

with women... at us.

So you'll tell Chris Finch he won't be working with us any more?

Good idea - get rid of a good rep because of a joke.

- David, don't even start. - No, no, fine.

That's come from the top.

Yeah. Hi, Chris. It's David here. Yeah. Bad news, mate.

We're going to have to let you go. We can't use you any more.

'Cause of the joke.

I've got a sense of humour, but that was offensive towards women,

and I can't tolerate that. I'll have to pass on...

The time sponsored by Accurist will be 4.21

and 40 seconds.

- Pathetic. - Is it?

At the third stroke, the time sponsored by Accurist

will be 4.21 and 50 seconds.

Has anyone got the right time?

# So what becomes of you, my love,

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat

# So you could buy. #

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