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1
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:29,913
What do you want to know?
2
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,314
Um...
3
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,758
See that? A clock, calculator in one.
4
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,871
That's free. Thank you.
5
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:44,672
Oh, here we go.
6
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,348
(ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS)
Three.
7
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,835
David. Paul Shepherd. Can you give us a call?
8
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,234
No!
9
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,560
Dave, it's Julian. Can you give us a ring, please?
10
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:55,954
Go away!
11
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:57,957
Good bloke. Good laugh.
12
00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,433
David, it's Paul again...
13
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,392
Leave me alone!
14
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,352
It's fine. It is fine...
15
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,436
That's OK. It doesn't matter.
16
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,391
Take that there...
17
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:13,953
That's the old office.
18
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,638
Let's get you started.
19
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,953
No one is going to lose their jobs.
20
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,390
Yes, Head Office are talking of downsizing,
21
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,192
but they've said clearly
22
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,949
that the most efficient branch
will incorporate the other one.
23
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,877
We are the most efficient branch -
24
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,560
cogito ergo sum - we'll be fine.
25
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,319
Why should they be worried, yeah?
26
00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,032
They trust me implicitly.
27
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:43,357
I said there won't be redundancies,
so that becomes gospel.
28
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,835
Unconditional trust. It's nice.
29
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,269
Mutual. Likewise. Reciprocated.
30
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,870
My only worry is that the powers that be
don't come down here,
31
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,958
pop their head round the door
with their rule book,
32
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,152
and go, "Oh, hold on, what's going on here?
33
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,111
"These people are mucking around."
34
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:03,232
Whilst getting the job done,
they're having a laugh at work
35
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,794
with the Sword of Damocles hanging over them.
36
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,229
"This isn't in the rule book. Who's in charge?"
37
00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,396
Guilty! Get a new rule book!
38
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:11,794
All right?
39
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,792
It works with the turtle.
40
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,239
(LAUGHTER)
41
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:16,679
OK. Good.
42
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,189
Finally, this young lady is Donna...
43
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,471
daughter of my best friends, Ron and Elaine.
44
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,478
She's lodging with me,
so she's my responsibility,
45
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,910
and her dad's not only a copper,
but he's a bloody big bugger,
46
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,393
so hands off.
47
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,080
I've got something
she could take down in evidence!
48
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,474
Don't worry about this.
49
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,114
Do you want to receive some swollen goods?
50
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,676
Wouldn't mind escaping up her tunnel!
51
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,153
Get out.
52
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:46,912
Get out. I mean it.
53
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,274
Shame.
54
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,835
I will not have her tunnel
55
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,350
bandied around this office willy nilly.
56
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,313
OK. Help her to settle in.
57
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,795
If you do have any trouble from the men...
58
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,798
- What does she do, Dawn?
- Kick them in the balls.
59
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,115
- Oh! Feminist.
- Get your bra off.
60
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:33,198
- Do you want to go out?
- Sorry. Burn your bra. Feminists.
61
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,594
Good point.
62
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,280
Obviously keep a T-shirt on,
like Charlie Dimmock.
63
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,958
OK. That's it.
64
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,198
(TAPPING)
65
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,599
What are you doing? That's ridiculous.
66
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,353
Hello. Wernham Hogg.
67
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,633
Hang on. I'll put you through.
68
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:24,991
That is... You won't need to use that.
69
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,429
You've met this lot. This is Gareth,
70
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,437
who you saw in the meeting.
71
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,552
Formal introductions.
72
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,196
Hi. Gareth. Welcome.
73
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,072
Just a handshake's fine.
74
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,395
- And Ricky.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
75
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:41,634
Even longer.
76
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,159
And Tim.
77
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,554
- Hello.
- Good.
78
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:49,310
OK. Settle her in. Get her started.
Show her the phones and everything.
79
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,670
First, methinks the lady dost need a chair!
80
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,074
To sit down.
81
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:55,957
Maybe she should sit down here.
82
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,389
Then I could teach her the ropes.
83
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,034
That's my responsibility as team leader.
84
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,670
David? I'm just saying...
85
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,954
When people say...
86
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:11,073
"Would you rather be thought of
as a funny man or a great boss?"
87
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,556
my answer's the same -
to me, they're not mutually exclusive.
88
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:18,468
There's a weight of intellect
behind my comedy. Yeah?
89
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,034
If you were to ask me to name three geniuses,
90
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,914
I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton...
91
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,070
You know. I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett.
92
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,279
Sessions.
93
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,074
(TIM LAUGHS)
94
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,236
Have you got a licence to carry that?
95
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,076
Portable phone. Right?
96
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,760
Can you swap places with Donna, please?
97
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,037
No... I'm not moving.
98
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,278
Do as you're told.
99
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,311
What are you going to do, phone me?
100
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,075
- I am team leader.
- I don't give a monkey's.
101
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,474
You're so immature.
102
00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:01,310
Oh, Gareth, if there's one thing
that I'm not, it is immature.
103
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,271
An immature little tosser.
104
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,115
(MOBILE RINGS)
105
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,032
- Gareth Keenan.
- Cock.
106
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,238
- So...
- David, I was just saying to Tim...
107
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,073
Looks like a... Doesn't it?
108
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,998
- Gun holster.
- It's just my portable telephone.
109
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,476
- I was just saying to Tim maybe...
- I just thought of something.
110
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,032
I know what you're thinking,
did I make five or six calls?
111
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,832
The question is, do you feel lucky,
punk? Well, do ya?
112
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,471
- Clint Eastwood.
- Spot on.
113
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,832
Let's let them get on with it.
114
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,871
We're all on-line here. Hooked up...
115
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:53,990
to the Worldwide Web - Internet.
116
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,553
No shopping. All right?
117
00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,317
Everyone's got e-mail.
Have you used e-mail before?
118
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,237
- Yeah.
- Yeah. It's easy, isn't it?
119
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:05,397
- I'll just show her on here.
- Yeah.
120
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:08,159
Oh, you got a new one.
See where it says "New mail"?
121
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:09,599
Just click on that.
122
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,434
No.
123
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,120
No, it's not... Yeah. It's not funny.
124
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,073
Donna should not have to see me
125
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,794
as a woman with two men doing that
all over me.
126
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,399
You got nice boobs.
127
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,034
No. It's just my head. They've put it on there...
128
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,751
Who else has seen this filth?
129
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,836
You know what I'm talking about.
130
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,391
You haven't even got e-mail, Joan.
131
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,397
Someone printed it out for me.
132
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,438
Who printed this out for Joan?
133
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,108
Well... I'm angry.
134
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,515
And not because I'm in it,
135
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,871
but because it degrades women...
136
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,158
which I hate.
137
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,238
And the culprit, whoever it is, is in this room.
138
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,430
Or she. It could be a woman.
139
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,391
Women are as filthy as men.
140
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,715
Naming no names - I don't know any -
141
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:11,308
but women are dirty.
142
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,837
Good friend of mine
and a bloody good rep - Chris Finch.
143
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,509
IQ of 142.
One of the cleverest blokes I know.
144
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,074
- The cleverest bloke you know.
- Yeah.
145
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,191
He was in an argument once and he went,
146
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,118
"How can I hate women? My mum's one."
147
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,350
Yeah? There's a lot of truth in that.
148
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,392
That's why when I see... rubbish.
149
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,637
I'm not annoyed
because I'm in it or I'm a prude.
150
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,716
- It offends women.
- And our mums.
151
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:49,879
In a way. It's sexist, and I hate that.
152
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,036
- So do I.
- Yeah, but I've said it.
153
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,720
We've had meetings where we've both said it.
154
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:56,717
- But I really hate it.
- I've always...
155
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,956
The point is this, yeah,
156
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:03,311
we've got access to the Internet,
but it is not censored.
157
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:04,953
Is that a good or a bad thing?
158
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:06,991
- Bad.
- Well, it's not for us to say.
159
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,190
All I know is I can type in...
160
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,279
"Sex...
161
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:13,114
"Fetish."
162
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,438
It takes a little while.
163
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:20,109
2,230 matches. Yeah?
164
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,717
Just click on one at random.
165
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,074
Oh...
166
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,112
"Dutch girls must be punished
for having big boobs."
167
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,312
Now, you do not punish someone
for having big boobs.
168
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,317
If anything, they should be rewarded.
169
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,510
- They should be equal.
- Women are equal.
170
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,153
I've always said that, so...
171
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,591
- Do you want to play with my hair?
- Huh?
172
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,836
- Play with my hair.
- All right, then.
173
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:49,918
I've got kind of hot hands. Sorry.
174
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,235
That's all right. Just don't touch my head.
175
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,031
All it is...
176
00:09:58,680 --> 00:09:59,954
Well...
177
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:02,794
Donna.
178
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,036
Yeah? My responsibility.
179
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,913
Away from home. I know boys will be boys.
180
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:10,873
Word from the top is...
181
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:12,953
- Hands off.
- Yeah.
182
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,593
- Out of bounds.
- Yeah.
183
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,757
- Look, but don't touch.
- What do you mean by look?
184
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,837
Talk to her, be friendly...
185
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,155
- Don't get any ideas.
- Yeah. Good.
186
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:24,834
Fine.
187
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,478
What if she's up for it?
188
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,478
You want to get this sorted out.
189
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,318
- What can we play now?
- Don't know.
190
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,994
Ask around. Find out who did the picture, yes.
191
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,111
- Discreetly.
- Undercover.
192
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,915
Well, don't go steaming in accusing people.
193
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,314
OK?
194
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:47,034
I'm trained in this. When I was in the army.
195
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,390
- Territorial.
- Territorial Army.
196
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,351
Yeah. Whatever. OK?
197
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,233
OK. I will need some stuff.
198
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,634
Like what?
199
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:57,634
An office.
200
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:01,719
- Use the meeting room for now.
- I can say it's my office, can I?
201
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,274
What?
202
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,834
I can say to people, "Come into my office"?
203
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,757
Well, while you're doing this, yeah.
204
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,199
Right.
205
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,754
- I'll make a sign.
- You don't need a sign.
206
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,873
And if I need the meeting room
for a meeting, it's the meeting room.
207
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,878
- Right. I'll take the sign down.
- You don't need a sign.
208
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,797
(MOBILE RINGS)
Don't make a sign.
209
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,353
Gareth Keenan.
210
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,755
- Who's that?
- No one.
211
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,512
No, I'm sorry, you've got
the wrong number. Bye.
212
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,479
That's that, OK?
213
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,636
You go left, you go right, kick.
214
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,876
It's ding ding da!
215
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,036
Yeah, but I never said that was...
216
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,549
No, that was straight from "Thriller" though.
217
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,797
Because "Eeeh hee! Ah! Show more!"
218
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,876
- It's that.
- Afternoon, Mr Jackson.
219
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,878
I know you're a superstar,
but have you sent that fax yet?
220
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,630
Have you heard um...? Have you heard er...
221
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,398
Michael Jackson's new song?
222
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,353
He's teamed up with West Ham
football team, apparently.
223
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,436
Doing, "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"!
224
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,759
The chimp.
225
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,435
She doesn't know football. Tell her later.
226
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:18,358
Have you heard George Michael's latest release?
227
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,711
- No.
- His latest song. It's a release...
228
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,274
- Is it about blow jobs?
- Yeah. It was a hand job.
229
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,675
(DONNA) Is it "Wank Me Off
Before You Go Go"?
230
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:30,954
Um...
231
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,874
What's white and slides down toilet walls?
232
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,639
- I don't know.
- Michael Jackson's latest release.
233
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,273
George Michael's.
234
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,758
Good, innit? Oh.
235
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,235
- Can you moonwalk?
- Probably not any more.
236
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,510
- Give it a go?
- Yeah. I used to...
237
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:50,359
- Drop your heels back.
- You can't do it on this.
238
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:54,268
Oh, yeah, I know how to do it.
I used to do all that stuff as well.
239
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,999
All that sort of stuff, yeah.
Just like take control of the body.
240
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:01,633
It's all that now, isn't it?
241
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,637
- Busy?
- Yes, er...
242
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,079
Keeping up morale.
243
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,952
- Can we have a chat?
- Yeah.
244
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:11,634
Ooh!
245
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,036
Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith...
246
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,559
Thanks for coming in.
247
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:23,154
Now, you know what this is about.
Obviously you've seen the picture.
248
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,396
- David on the computer...
- I saw it.
249
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:27,954
Yeah. And we've all had
a bit of a laugh about it.
250
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,513
- It was funny.
- Yeah.
251
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,313
There's a time when the joking has to stop.
252
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,792
Not only is it derogatory...
253
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,914
David has trusted me with this because...
254
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,790
not only have I got people skills,
255
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,878
but I am trained in covert operations.
256
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,593
You know the phrase
"Softly softly catchee monkey"?
257
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,952
I could catch a monkey.
If I was starving, I could.
258
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,277
I would make poison darts
out of the poison off deadly frogs.
259
00:13:55,800 --> 00:14:00,191
On milligram of that poison
can kill a monkey, or a man.
260
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,959
Prick yourself, you'd be dead within a day.
261
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,399
Or longer.
262
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,272
Different frogs, different times.
263
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,513
Do you know who done the picture?
264
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:10,914
Yup.
265
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,393
No. I mean, no.
266
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,198
Right. Your first answer was yeah.
267
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,470
- Wasn't it?
- I meant no.
268
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,475
- Well, why did you get...?
- I er... don't know.
269
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,352
Am I making you nervous?
270
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,198
No. I mean, yeah.
271
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:29,873
Hmm, that's interesting.
272
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:34,358
I've just spent two days in Swindon with Neil,
and he's made some big changes.
273
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,311
Now, when we spoke on Friday,
274
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,989
you said you were going to instigate
some changes. How is that going?
275
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,475
- Great.
- Good. What have you done?
276
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,038
Changed many things, really.
277
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,754
In a global sense, streamlining,
278
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,030
the whole ongoing enterprise of it.
279
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:55,675
I'm sorry, David, that sounds like
management-speak. You hate that.
280
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,438
Yeah, I do. So...
281
00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:01,235
Well, can you give me, say,
five practical changes that you've made?
282
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,316
- Five changes?
- Mmm.
283
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,989
I'll give you three,
then another two if you need them.
284
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:08,474
OK.
285
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,309
Efficiency. Turnover. Profitability.
286
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,715
That still sounds like management-speak.
287
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,717
- No, because...
- You hate that.
288
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,753
- Shall I tell you what Neil's done?
- Can do.
289
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,791
He's frozen any wage increases.
290
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,717
He's put a stop on all overtime.
291
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,991
And any purchases of �100 or more
now go through him.
292
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,192
�100? I was going to make it 90,
but �100 is all right.
293
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,880
And he has started making redundancies, David.
294
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,116
- That's only four.
- Yeah. Whatever.
295
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,117
Have you made any redundancies?
296
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,879
I gave a speech only this morning to my staff,
297
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,991
assuring them there would be no cutbacks
298
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,951
and certainly no redundancies.
299
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,197
- Why on earth would you do that?
- Why? Don't know.
300
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,517
A word that I think's important
in management called morale.
301
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,279
Well, it's going to be worse
for morale in the long run
302
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,870
when there are redundancies
and you've told people there won't be.
303
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,232
They won't remember.
304
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:07,514
With your arms...
305
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:08,993
- Ah!
- And then...
306
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,439
That way? Ooh!
307
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,118
Yeah, I know. Like a...
308
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,673
Yeah.
309
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,554
David, there have got to be cutbacks.
310
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:21,195
If you can't do that yourself,
I'm your boss, I can do that for you.
311
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,710
You're not the boss here,
and I've already made cutbacks.
312
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,035
- You've made cutbacks already?
- Yeah.
313
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,230
I didn't want to tell the staff, but you...
314
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:30,759
Cutbacks where?
315
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:32,954
Staff.
316
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,718
So there have been redundancies?
317
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,114
Yeah.
318
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,992
- Have you let anyone go?
- Yeah.
319
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,519
Who?
320
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,034
Julie.
321
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:43,832
Where does Julie work?
322
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:47,679
Warehouse.
323
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,279
What does she do?
324
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:54,359
She's a general warehouse...
in the warehouse. She was, so...
325
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,711
I thought I knew everyone
in the warehouse. What's her surname?
326
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,519
Second name?
327
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,592
Anderton.
328
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:08,831
Um... It's signs that Gareth's made
for the door of his office.
329
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:12,032
He started off with "interrogation room".
330
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:14,797
He went to "interrogation office",
331
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,399
"investigation room"...
332
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,270
"investigation office", just for...
333
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,753
He really lost it here.
334
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,111
"Quiet please! Invetigation in process."
335
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,828
"Silence. Interrogation." That's frightening.
336
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:33,191
That's the one he's gone for.
"Investigation and meeting room."
337
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,232
Makes sense.
My personal favourite has to be...
338
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,555
"Gareth Keenan investigates."
339
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:42,394
So...
340
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,238
There's a lot of um...
341
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,510
- I'm trying to work in here.
- Sorry, mate.
342
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,074
- How is the "invetigation" going?
- Good.
343
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,553
Very good.
344
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,511
Do you need a deputy at all?
345
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,074
No. I've already got one.
346
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,599
All right, Sheila?
347
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,233
Keep it down.
348
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,952
This is scary, David.
349
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,958
Don't tie any more cash up in stock
unless you have to.
350
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,709
I'm sure you could lose more people
from down here. Who's the foreman?
351
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:22,393
Taffy!
352
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,274
Taffy!
353
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,513
- Glynn!
- What?
354
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,678
We all call him Taffy.
355
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:33,118
The thing is though,
no one's dispensable in my book.
356
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,834
We're like one big organism, one big animal.
357
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,918
Yeah? The guys upstairs on the phone -
they're the mouth.
358
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,270
The guys down here, the hands.
359
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,391
- And what part are you?
- Good question.
360
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,233
Probably the humour.
361
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,997
With responsibility comes harsh things.
362
00:18:56,120 --> 00:19:01,513
Um... People look at me, they say,
"Oh, he's tough. He was in the army.
363
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,792
"He's going to be hard. By the book."
364
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,194
But...
365
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,633
I am caring and sensitive.
366
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,150
Isn't "Schindler's List" a brilliant film?
367
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,234
Yeah.
368
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:19,752
See? People think a strong man
can't be sensitive,
369
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,394
but I'm thoughtful and caring...
370
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,033
Sorry, what's this about?
371
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,232
About the picture of David
with the two blokes jizzing on him.
372
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,952
Were they both jizzing on him?
373
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,310
I thought he was sucking one of them off.
374
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,354
I don't think...
375
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,238
No, look, it's just jizzing.
376
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,553
Well, I didn't do it.
377
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,352
Good. Fine.
378
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,349
Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.
379
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:48,314
I don't want you to think of me as your boss...
380
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:49,839
Well, you're not.
381
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,678
I'm higher up than you, so I am.
382
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:56,275
What I'm saying is, don't think of me as a boss,
383
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,916
- but know that I am.
- I don't think you are.
384
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,793
I'm team leader, so I am.
I'm higher up than you.
385
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,672
(MOBILE RINGS)
386
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,074
Gareth Keenan.
387
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,516
Right, seriously. Now, just stop it.
388
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:17,988
Yes. I've had office romances!
389
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,394
Loads.
390
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:21,829
Not here, another place I worked at.
391
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,552
Good-looking ones as well.
392
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,309
But they're not a good idea. Office romances.
393
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,635
It's like shitting on your own doorstep.
394
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,759
I've had loads of offers here,
but I go, "No way."
395
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,156
Distracting. And that's actually
one of the major arguments
396
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,271
against letting gay men into the army.
397
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,197
I haven't got a problem with that -
398
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,993
a gay man's not going to put me off,
I can handle myself -
399
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,076
but if we were in battle,
400
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,998
is he going to be looking
at the enemy or looking at me
401
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,429
going, "Oooh"?
402
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,677
You know? "He looks tasty in his uniform."
403
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,239
And I'm not homophobic.
404
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,032
Come and look at my CD collection.
405
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,391
You'll find Queen, George Michael,
Pet Shop Boys.
406
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,078
They're all bummers.
407
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,192
(DOG BARKS ON TV)
408
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,073
All right, lads? What are you watching?
409
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,280
- It's my dog shagging his dog.
- Oh, yeah.
410
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:18,075
Glynn, David's made it clear to you
you'll be losing personnel.
411
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,838
That's funny. Look at his face!
412
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,075
I'm sorry to interrupt, do you think
you can lose any more staff?
413
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,156
- I know you lost Julie Anderton.
- Who?
414
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,953
- Opening a can of worms.
- Julie. David fired her.
415
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,593
- Never heard of her.
- Loyalty.
416
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,109
When someone leaves, they no longer exist.
417
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,673
She never existed, did she?
418
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,438
- Well...
- You made her up.
419
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,755
You back me into a corner and I act...
420
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,871
- You lied.
- It's a form of acting.
421
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,956
Can you take this upstairs? We're busy.
422
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,799
- You don't look busy.
- Do you want me to get busy, love?
423
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:48,194
Sorry?
424
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,117
Gazza likes some posh.
425
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,639
- A word with you now.
- Yup.
426
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:55,713
That was out of order in a way.
427
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,193
- Ooh!
- I'm not in trouble.
428
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,276
What she needs is a good shagging!
429
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,868
I might bloody have to now. See you later.
430
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,199
Now, then. You two.
431
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,038
Dawn and Tim.
432
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,077
What do you want, Gareth?
433
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,279
I've been assigned to find out
who did the picture.
434
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,198
Right. Who was it?
435
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,436
- Well, I don't know.
- Will you get fired?
436
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,391
- Will I get fired?
- If you don't know.
437
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:25,115
Well, I'm doing investigations now.
Was it one of you two?
438
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:26,719
Yes. Christ, you're good.
439
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,239
- Was it?
- No!
440
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:29,634
I knew it wasn't.
441
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,955
I'm not going to fire you if you know anything
442
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,354
- because...
- You couldn't.
443
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:34,913
- I could.
- How?
444
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,315
I'd say, "You're fired. Clear your desk."
445
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,351
I'd say you don't have the authority.
446
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:40,799
Not true, not true.
447
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,150
Because in this room, I have special...
448
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,555
- Needs?
- No. I am a special...
449
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:47,716
- Needs child?
- No, and that's not funny.
450
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,513
- I won't have you fired because...
- You couldn't.
451
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:51,993
That's all.
452
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,429
I can't believe their total lack of respect.
453
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,711
Not only did they undermine you
in an authoritative sense...
454
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,717
(KNOCKING)
Come in, Gareth.
455
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,876
...but they left an image in my mind
456
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,434
of you naked on all fours,
457
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,313
being quite literally done doggie-style.
458
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,154
David!
459
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,315
- Carry on.
- What is it?
460
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,192
I've found the guilty man.
461
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,595
- Have you indeed?
- Can this wait, David?
462
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,314
Er, yeah,
463
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,591
but if I tell you there's sexist
pornography - which I hate -
464
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,154
going round the office, do you want it to wait?
465
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,599
Pornography?
466
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,280
- Who was it?
- Surprise, surprise. It was Tim.
467
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:42,635
Shame. Good man. How can you be sure?
468
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,911
I found these pictures
on his hard drive, from the Internet.
469
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,678
After investigation,
470
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,268
licensed by, carried out by...
471
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,154
Oh, no.
472
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,957
Urgh. I don't want you to see this.
I don't want to see this.
473
00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,717
That's worse than the one before.
474
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,988
Oh, I hope there aren't any more.
There are more.
475
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:06,317
Well, he will have to be disciplined
476
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,079
because when the disciplining has to be done,
477
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,510
then the laughter stops for
that amount of time, then continues,
478
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,835
rehabilitation notwithstanding.
479
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,598
It's everywhere. Oh.
480
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,517
How did you find out?
481
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,393
I suspected the pictures came off the Internet,
482
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,238
so I checked everyone's computer.
483
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,318
There is a log of every web page you've visited.
484
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,034
You just go to Internet Page and then... History.
485
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,709
- Well, it's not worth it...
- It only takes a second.
486
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,115
I don't want to know how it's done, in a way.
487
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:39,028
Can you delete the history thing
on the computer? We should really.
488
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,799
- David, this is a meeting.
- Yeah, yeah.
489
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,559
OK. That's all. Anything else?
490
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,352
Taffy phoned from the warehouse.
491
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,232
- He's got a video for you.
- Thanks.
492
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:50,749
- This is just one big boy's club!
- Not really.
493
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,269
Seedy little men with seedy little jokes.
494
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,038
This morning, perfect example!
495
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,355
I do not want to be put in that position again.
496
00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:59,072
Don't go down the warehouse.
497
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,953
Don't tell me where I can
and can't go in my own company.
498
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,038
You're on very thin ice.
You've already lied to me today.
499
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,434
What's that?
500
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,279
You don't have the guts to do your own job.
501
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:10,879
I don't have the guts?
502
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,754
If you're not man enough
to do your job, I will do it for you.
503
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,154
Not man enough?
504
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:18,874
OK.
505
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,073
Come here.
506
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:30,953
Busy at work?
507
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,155
- Is there a problem?
- Yeah. That.
508
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:36,673
Sorry. What's that?
509
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:40,713
I don't know. A dirty picture
with my head on it, as a sex object.
510
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,433
And don't... You know I like a laugh, Tim.
511
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,356
Porno laughs are not funny, OK?
512
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:52,154
- I'm disappointed.
- You think I did this?
513
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:53,634
Case closed.
514
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,228
Shouldn't I say that as it was my investigation?
515
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,111
What annoys me is you obviously
didn't do it in your own time...
516
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,278
Whoa, whoa. Colombo here
figured it out, did he?
517
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:07,518
Well, I must be guilty if you've
got your best man on the case!
518
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,915
Stop trying to be funny for one second, Tim,
519
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:13,556
and listen, OK? Stop taking
advantage of my good nature.
520
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,558
I can be like every other boss in this situation.
521
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:17,954
OK? Right?
522
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:21,197
You're taking the piss and I'm getting sick of it.
523
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,710
David, it wasn't me, OK?
It was your good friend Chris Finch.
524
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,158
He used my computer.
525
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,317
He said he was your best mate
and you'd find it hilarious.
526
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:32,793
Oh...
527
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,358
No, it is. That was never in question.
528
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,278
I think it's bloody hilarious.
You're missing the...
529
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:42,790
Are you going to apologise to Tim?
530
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,469
I'll tell you about families.
You don't have to, in a way.
531
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:47,874
So...
532
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:50,794
Are you going to apologise to Tim?
533
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:52,672
I have, in a way...
534
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,109
- Are you going to apologise now?
- Yes!
535
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,629
S-s-s... sorry about that.
536
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:07,955
You covered for it so well, as well.
537
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:09,877
You were involved, but you covered.
538
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,991
I don't want to be here
when you bawl out Finchy.
539
00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:14,236
You won't be. It's not fair. Nor will you.
540
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,669
So it's not offensive now it's Chris Finch?
541
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:20,952
Let's not dwell on whether it is or isn't this or...
542
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,628
Let's stop degrading women, please.
543
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,718
Let's have a laugh with them, not at them.
544
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,796
Let's have a laugh at work,
545
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,275
with women... at us.
546
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,870
So you'll tell Chris Finch
he won't be working with us any more?
547
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,639
Good idea - get rid
of a good rep because of a joke.
548
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:40,911
- David, don't even start.
- No, no, fine.
549
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,031
That's come from the top.
550
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:49,230
Yeah. Hi, Chris. It's David here.
Yeah. Bad news, mate.
551
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:52,397
We're going to have to let you go.
We can't use you any more.
552
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,033
'Cause of the joke.
553
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:57,436
I've got a sense of humour,
but that was offensive towards women,
554
00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,120
and I can't tolerate that. I'll have to pass on...
555
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:04,597
The time sponsored by Accurist will be 4.21
556
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:06,358
and 40 seconds.
557
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,073
- Pathetic.
- Is it?
558
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:11,873
At the third stroke,
the time sponsored by Accurist
559
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,709
will be 4.21 and 50 seconds.
560
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,956
Has anyone got the right time?
561
00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:39,834
# So what becomes of you, my love,
562
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:46,236
# When they have finally stripped you of
563
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,955
# The handbags and the gladrags
564
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:51,435
# That your granddad had to sweat
565
00:28:51,560 --> 00:29:01,231
# So you could buy. #
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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