Original subtitles

- Mom, who's the naked clown in our bathroom?

- What?

What is it, honey?

- What the hell you doing, kid?

- I had to go to the bathroom.

- On my head?

- Hey, buddy, this is my bathroom, not your bedroom,

you big drunken mess.

- Billy.

Come on, sweetheart.

Come on.

Let's give your mother's new boyfriend a chance

to collect his thoughts.

- Ooh, boy.

What a morning.

Hey, kid, I'm sorry I went

and freaked out on you like that in the bathroom there.

- It's okay.

- Would you like to see a magic trick?

No.

- Yeah, me neither.

Here.

Why don't you go out

and buy yourself something real nice, huh?

- Thanks, Elvis.

This'll go a long way in the toy store.

- That's a cute kid you got there.

- Thanks.

- Is that clock right?

- Yeah. - Oh, shit!

- Well, what's wrong?

- I was supposed to be at a birthday party.

- Can I help you?

- Last night when I got here, I had a wig.

- This one?

- You got others?

- No, you're my first clown.

Hey.

Will I ever see you again?

- Maybe.

- What's your name?

- Shakes, Shakes the clown.

Oh, my head!

God dammit!

- What a fiesta we are having

on the Palukaville morning zoo here on K-L-A-R-D.

- That's K-LARD.

- I'm Larry Loud.

- And I'm Barry Obnoxious.

- And we're Loud and Obnoxious.

- Oh, boy, what a weekend I had.

I'm telling ya, I went to my psychiatrist

and I went in and said,

"Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me.

"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam.

"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

He said, "Your problem is you're two tents."

Well, okay.

Let's go directly to the telephones here.

Good morning to you, you're on The Morning Zoo.

How are ya?

- I'm fine, who is this?

- Barry Obnoxious on The Morning Zoo.

Do you listen to K-LARD here in Palukaville?

- No, I don't listen to you.

God dammit, I'm an invalid!

I had to come down 14 stairs.

- Well, it's too bad you had to get up out

of your sick bed, but this is The Morning Zoo.

- I think it's something important,

I don't know whether it is, I don't know who it is.

Some fucking asshole on a radio program!

- Okay, we got a crazy guy on the phone here.

I want to thank you.

Got yourself a free T-shirt.

Come on down to the station and pick it up.

- I gotta empty my colostomy bag, all right?

- Hey, buddy, I gotta use your can.

- Hold it, jerk, not so fast. - What?

- The bathroom is for paying customers only.

- Don't I get a free mug?

Man, fucking people.

? Now when I was a young boy

? At the age of five

? My mother said I'll be

? The greatest man alive

? But now I'm a man

? Way past 21

? You better believe me, baby

? I have lots of fun

? I'm a man

? I spell M

? A Child

?N

- You know, when we built this place,

there wasn't a clown in the area.

? O child

? Why

? That means mannish boy

? I'm a man Yeah

? I'm a full grown man

? Don't hurt me, don't hurt me, don't hurt me

? Well, well, well, well

- Good morning, tiger, how you doing?

- You're late.

You the clown?

- No, I'm Mary fucking Poppins.

- Hey, watch your mouth, mister.

You don't get to, hey, hey, I'm talking to you.

- I don't care who you're talking to.

Let's get a couple things straight.

One, I'm not your pal.

Two, I need $150 cash in advance up front.

And three, if you ever talk to me again,

I'm gonna twist your head into a fucking balloon animal.

Okay? - Okay_

- Okay? - Okay

- Nice hair. - Thanks.

- Smooth.

- Lawn bowling, it's just so wonderful.

- I can't concentrate on the game.

I gotta know if Shakes got that TV show.

- What's the rush?

We'll find out. - Because he gets it,

he's gonna use his friends, right?

- Yeah. - Who are his best friends?

- Me and you.

- So he gets us on TV, we get plenty of babes.

- Shut up.

You don't get babes 'cause you're on TV,

you get 'em 'cause you're cool.

- What do you know about women?

- I know the deal, man.

That's how it works.

- You haven't had a woman since I known you.

- I've been busy juggling and doing shit.

- You get on TV, all that'll change.

Everybody on TV gets lots 0' pussy.

- Weathermen get a lot of pussy.

- Huh?

- Weathermen get a lot of pussy.

- Weathermen don't get the kind of pussy I got.

I got that peanut butter pussy...

brown, smooth and easy to spread.

- Come on, Billy.

We're all bored.

- Let's get the sushi out of the sun.

- Ow, ow, ow. - Mom.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Hi, kids.

It's your friend, Shakes the clown.

It's giving me all the trouble, so we'll put it in here.

- Where'd it go?

- Boom!

- Lucy, look! - All right!

I knew you could do it!

- Ow.

You know, the real bowlers said

if I win another interstate,

I have a really good chance of going pro.

- They know what they're talking about.

- Yeah, I'm just so happy.

- So, was your boyfriend Shakes there last night?

No, he was up all night with a sick friend.

- Judy, he was chasing broads and drinking their beer.

Come on.

- I haven't told this to anybody, but I think...

maybe Shakes is a alcoholic.

- Judy, don't use the medical term, all right?

The guy's a drunk and a half.

Of course he's an alcoholic.

- You're right, you're right.

- Look, a pretty bowler like you,

you could have any man in the world.

- Yeah, I should start thinking about my career.

This has happened to other girls, right?

' �ARM Mm-hmm.

- You get involved with a guy, things go wrong.

Next thing you know, you end up dead

at the bottom of a motel swimming pool.

- Every time.

Look, you gotta lose this guy, all right?

A bad clown could really fuck you up.

? I love to make you grin and laugh

? 'cause I'm Peppy the clown

? If you wore a frown

? Then now I hope it's upside down

? Although the show is over

? I really hate to go

? But we'll be back tomorrow with a brand new show

? Ha ha ha ha

? Ho ho ho ho

? He he he he

- As soon as that camera is off,

he's gonna fuck that little dog.

- Yes, kiddies, that's right.

This is my last show.

Your old Uncle Peppy is being retired from the show.

- Forget all that shit.

Who's the new host?

- Kiddies, I just know

you're gonna love my replacement, Binky.

- Binky?

What the fuck!

- Goodbye.

Say goodbye, Peppy.

Goodbye.

- No, no. - No.

Now we'll never get laid.

- No, don't say that.

We'll get laid.

We'll still get laid.

It's gonna be all right.

- Binky?

Geez, who made this planet? - Binky, Binky, Binky.

- We love you.

Bye.

- Here's to shit in your nose, you big phony asshole.

- Dog fucker.

- You clowns done?

Oh, those hands...

Fabulous hands.

You just have such neat hands.

Hands that were made for much better things

than cleaning up clown vomit.

Exciting things.

I see a clown in your future, Judy.

I see you doing things that regular women can only dream of.

- Binky.

- Judy-

- Blow me.

- Your face wasn't made to be getting hit with pies.

- Don't laugh at me!

Am I a joke to you?

Some kind of a gag?

Get up.

Get up!

Hands.

Hands.

- I can't breathe. - I can't breathe.

- You guys are nuts.

Is it just me or has it been extremely humid lately?

That wet kind of humid heat

that you only get in Palukaville.

You know what they say about Palukaville...

"You don't like the weather,

"stick around for a little while, it'll change."

Pretzel?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

No what?

No what?

No, thank you. - No, thank you.

- Pretzel. - Yeah, please.

- Yes, please.

No, no.

You don't take the pretzel.

I give you the pretzel.

Open.

Body of Binky.

Amen.

" Bye!

- Bye, Shakes. - Bye, Shakes.

- Bye.

- Bye, bya.

- I am so nervous. - Why, what's up?

- I'm taking those gourmet cooking classes at PCC.

- PCC?

- Palukaville Community College.

- Oh, I couldn't get in there.

- I test well.

Could I have another napkin?

Anyway, I'm determined to be one of the great chefs

in this town, I'm just really nervous

I'm gonna flunk my final tomorrow.

- Are you serious?

You are one of the best cooks I know.

Gus, I need my batter broil here.

- I'll tell you your problem.

You're afraid of women.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

You never talk to women.

- Yes, I talk to women all the time, man.

- The only woman you ever talk to is your mother.

- So what?

She's nice, everyone likes my mother.

What's the difference?

She's a nice lady.

- Yeah, but you need to talk to women

who aren't your mother like...

like Lucy, right now.

- What do you mean right now?

- I mean go over there and talk to Lucy.

- You think I'm afraid? - Yeah, you're afraid.

- I'm not afraid.

I'll talk to her right now.

I ain't afraid.

Why don't you sit back, enjoy and watch the master.

- In the eighth, I completely tugged and left the Nixons.

- Nixons? - The 4-6-7-10 split.

Up until then I'd been hitting the pocket all night.

- Hi, ladies.

- Did you pick up the spare at least?

- Well, I was really nervous

because I knew I had a chance to win the match.

So, I throw a gutter ball, but at the last moment,

it pops back into the lane picking up the split!

- Unbelievable!

- You guys know what time it is?

7:30.

- With the beer...

- I think he likes you.

- He's nice, but he's a man.

- So, how'd it go, master?

- It went good, I guess.

She was making major eye contact with me.

- You didn't even talk to her.

- What are you talking about?

You saw me talking to her.

- You were just standing there moving your lips.

- What are you saying?

I asked her what time it was.

She told me it was 7:30.

- That's the cornerstone

of a lasting relationship, what time it is?

- Yes, yes, because first, I asked her what time it is.

Tomorrow I get to ask her the date.

Day after that she's all over me.

That's how it works.

You play it slow.

- Hey, waitress, what time is it?

It's 7:35, good-lookin'.

' See?

- What is a corn dog?

Well, it's kind of like a hot dog on a stick

and they take it... - Sweetheart, pumpkin.

Hey, doll face.

- Don't you sweetheart, doll face, pumpkin me!

Where were you last night?

- I, I, I, where was I last night?

- Where were you last night?

- I was up with a very sick friend.

I told you already. - What? Who?

- Pete. - Pete?

- Yes, Pete. - Oh, Pete.

Oh, right, then what's this lipstick

on your little funny tie here?

It's not Pete's lipstick, is it?

- If you'll have you know, that's blood.

- From what?

- He had an angina attack.

- Angina?

Pete is a man.

- Baby, I'm sorry.

I'm truly sorry.

- Last night, there I was in the alley,

almost fulfilling my dream

of becoming a professional bowler.

I look around and you aren't there, all right?

What am I supposed to do?

How am I supposed to feel?

- I'm sorry, I should have been there.

- You should have been there.

- I planned on going there.

- And what happened?

Your little friend Pete had an angina attack.

I know what you mean by angina attack,

but it wasn't Pete's angina you were after, was it?

Shakes, if you want to drink and run

around with other women, that's fine.

Just don't make me look like an a-hole in the process.

- Fuck!

Jesus Christ.

- How you doin', Pep?

- How am I doin'?

Blow it out your ass, you useless bag of shit!

- Nice talking to you. _ Oh, yeah, yeah.

Areal, real pleasure, I'm sure.

Assholes.

- Oh, uh, Peppy, you dropped your thesaurus.

What's he so pissed off about?

- 'Cause he got fired from the TV show.

- Fired?

I thought he retired.

- No, he was just telling everybody that

because his ego was bruised.

- Yeah.

You know, I'm really surprised that,

you know, that I haven't been asked to host yet.

What?

- You haven't heard?

- No, I haven't heard nothing.

What are you talking about?

- Binky's the new host.

- Binky's the new host?

Binky? What the fuck?

That guy can't even throw...

I don't care!

That guy can't even throw a fucking pie straight.

He's not funny.

Did he ever make you laugh?

- No, he's not funny.

- I read for that part.

That part was mine!

You guys know that.

I don't even mind that's he's not funny.

What really bugs me is that

as a human being he's nothing but a lump of shit.

- Howdy-Goody, Shakes.

- Hi, Binky, I was just talking about you.

- How's your cirrhosis, Shakes?

- Fine.

How's your disease-ridden cock?

' My Cock!

How dare you...

- Fucking douche bag!

I'll flatten every single one of your heads,

one by one like pancakes!

- Oh, yeah?

Well, the only show you could ever get on

would be a show called The Not Funny Diarrhea Club.

Fart face.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

What are you, eight?

Get out of my face, all of you!

- Oh, really scary.

- Geez, boy, he really told us, huh?

- Fucking dickheads.

- What the hell is wrong with them?

I thought you were gonna kill 'em, man.

- Guys like that, you know, they give clowns a bad name.

- Damn straight, man.

- What the hell are you doing sneaking up on me?

You scared the bejesus out of me.

- You still sore, huh?

- Yes, I'm still sore.

What do you expect from me?

- Baby, I can't explain everything.

- Shakes, I don't want to hear it.

Go away, Shakes.

I don't want to see you.

I don't want to talk to you.

Go away.

- Baby-

- I don't want to talk to you.

Leave me alone.

La la la la la la la.

It's not gonna work.

You've hurt me too many times

and you don't take me seriously.

- I take you serious.

How did it go last night?

- Well, I did pretty good.

I won the first seven frames.

Then at the last moment I left the Nixons,

the 4-6-7-1 o split.

And then right at the...

You're not listening to me.

You're looking over there.

- I wasn't.

I was looking over there, but I was listening to you.

You were talking about Watergate or something like that.

- Forget it.

I just don't care about you anymore.

- What do you mean,

you don't care about me anymore?

- I'm just saying that it's all over

between the two of us.

- That's great.

That's fan-freaking-tastic.

- Shakes, are you all right?

- See, baby, you still do care about me.

- Shakes, you are a real rat turd.

- You all right, buddy? - Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

- Moron.

Hey, Madonna, where you going?

Need a ride, fresh cream, cottage cheese?

- Leave me alone, milkman scum!

- Half and half?

Stupid fucking clown.

- My colon.

- What, are you telling me the cigar bothers you now?

- No, actually, it reminds me of my uncle.

- Your uncle smokes cigars?

- No, he stinks.

- Come on, guys, let's call it a night.

- All right, all right.

Keep your shirt on.

- See you later, Shakes. - Good night, Shakes.

- Good night, guys. - Hey, don't forget.

You got that gig tomorrow.

- I'm leaving right now.

I'm right behind you.

- See you later, buddy. - Go home, Murray.

- Hey, the dotmobile.

See you later. - You should fix that clutch.

- Do you remember

where we're parked? - I've got to urinate.

- Hey, hello?

- Shakes, it's me, Stan. - Hey, how you doing?

- How am I doing?

Where the fuck are you?

- What? - Bastard!

You did it to us again.

You did it to us again!

- Jesus Christ. - God dammit.

Two hours we've been waiting on you.

Two hours.

You don't care.

- You're really bitter, you know that?

- I was bitter, I admit, for a while.

But I've conquered that, and now I just feel lucky

that I have Brainiac as a partner.

- You don't believe I'm mentally superior to you, do you?

- Oh, come on. - Ask me a question.

- I don't have... - Come on.

Any questions for you. - Come on.

- All right, okay, all right.

What's a Shondell?

- What?

- What do you mean what?

What's a Shondell?

Like Tommy James and the Shondells.

Remember that?

Crimson and Clover, I Think We're Alone Now, Mony Mony.

- Yeah, I remember the goddamn band, all right?

- All right, what's a Shondell?

- Who cares what a Shondell is?

What kind of an idiotic question is that?

- You're getting upset 'cause you don't know the answer.

- No, I'm not getting upset. - It's not a crime.

Big deal. - The point is is

that there are some things that you accept

and some things you question, okay?

- So you're upset 'cause you don't know the answer.

- I'm not upset!

- You know what?

At this point, you should be watching your blood pressure.

- There's nothing wrong with my goddamn blood pressure!

- Yep, lunch break.

- All right.

- Duh, hi, kids.

It's Shakes...

Fuck.

Duh.

Duh, hi, kids.

I'm Shakes the clown.

- What is that you got over there?

What's that, pastrami?

- Yeah.

- You think that's a good idea?

You think that's wise, pastrami?

- Yes.

It's not only wise, it's kosher.

And it's none of your goddamn beeswax

what I eat and what I don't eat.

I don't need a goddamn food monitor sitting next

to me in the car.

- Hey, I'm not the one the doctor called a candidate

for the coronary.

Thankfully through working out, nice healthy diet.

Healthy as a horse, knock wood.

- What the hell was that?

Take off!

- You see the hair on that guy?

- We got a freak.

Oh, boy.

- Fuck!

- I got him. - Oh, my God!

- Shut up and calm down! - Let me drive!

- Get your hands off the wheel!

- You don't know how to drive! - Get away from me!

- There. See?

- I can't move my head. - You seen this?

They clean your Windshields.

This is great.

Watch.

Just give me a buck, I'll give it to him.

- Are you insane?

- Fuck you.

- Thank you, looks good.

- What are you thanking him for?

- Look at the difference. - Oh, my goodness!

It's dirtier now than it was!

- Ducks!

Shit!

- All right, out of the car, clown!

Come on!

Out!

Hands on the roof!

Let's go.

- You better pray to God those water fowl

are all right, my friend.

You're in a lot of trouble.

- Look out, look out, look out.

Boy, you're a real sweetheart.

Make your parents proud?

- Let's just get them out of here.

- Another white-collar criminal.

Boy, I bet you were a big hit in lockup.

Checkered pants down around your ankles.

Everybody loves a clown, so why don't I?

You ought to keep a little bit better control

over your clowns, mister... - Cheese. Owen Cheese.

U-Rent-A-Clown.

Oh, my card.

- Hey, did you see that?

- If you're gonna have a policeman's ball,

a social, anything...

you know, a clown is the difference

between a party and a really nice party.

- Yeah, I'll bet.

He would have gotten off

with just a few minor traffic violations

if he hadn't twisted my Breathalyzer

which is Palukaville Police property

into a goddamn French poodle!

- I smell pastrami.

You guys have pastrami for lunch?

- Well, I had a salad.

- What? - For lunch.

I had a salad, muffin, light lunch.

Feel good, nothing heavy.

- This is a big goddamn joke to you, isn't it?

- The man asked me about pastrami.

I'm doing my job-

Lighten up, a little protecting and some serving.

- You'd be serving parking citations to pimps

at four in the morning if I had my way.

- Are we free to leave?

- Yeah, go ahead.

Get out of here. - Thank you.

- Please, and don't come back either.

- Believe me, we won't. - Good.

Do me a favor...

' See?

Now those things are gonna kill you.

- I'll kill you before they kill me,

you can count on that.

Don't you walk away when I'm talking to you.

- Why do you do this to me?

I mean, your total disregard for the clown code of ethics

would make your poor father, Lippy,

God rest his soul,

turn over in his grave.

Now meet me in the office at five o'clock.

Oh, and Shakes.

- Yeah?

- Take a bath, will you?

- Yeah.

You're still not talking to me?

- Yeah, we wanna talk to you, Shakes.

- Look, me and Dink...

- Just tell him. - We think you drink too much.

- You got a problem.

- I got a problem?

Yeah, I got a big problem.

My best friends are fucking assholes.

- Seriously, Shakes, you drink way too much.

- Where do you get balls like that saying I drink too much?

I don't see you guys having any trouble

whatsoever keeping up with me.

I don't have a problem with alcohol.

I could stop any time I want to.

I just don't 'cause I'm having a lot of fun

with my drinking.

- Oh, here we go. - Did he puke in my car?

- No big pieces. - Idiot!

' Hey, YOU guys want a beer?

- Sure. - What the hell.

Give me a goddamn beer.

- Sorry about bogarting.

A couple of frosties for the boys.

? Just a bunch of guys getting the car

? No matter who's driving or for how far

? Feels so good, feels so alive

? No backseat drivers tell us how to drive

? Me and the boys

? Just me and the boys

? Me and the boys

- Ah, Shakes the clown.

It'll take a lot of birthday parties

before you can pay for this suit.

You got a lot of balls coming here,

you no-good, drunken bum!

Give me my goddamn hat!

Your father's a bum!

Your father's father's a bum!

Everybody here is a bum!

Now get the hell out of here!

? Me and the boys

? Just me and the boys

? Me and the boys

? It ain't like us to hang around this town

? It's square and just bringing us down

? I've got to find something new

? I don't wanna think about what they do now

- Mimes! - Mimes!

Stop the car!

Kill! Destroy!

- Clowns! Shit!

Run!

- You silent motherfucker, yeah!

Come on!

You can run but you cannot hide!

- You only pick on us 'cause we're artists.

- Ah, fuck you, man.

Get out of this box.

- Bastards!

You people are sick!

You need help!

- Learn how to speak.

- Shakes...

when your poor father died in that elephant mishap,

I promised your mother I'd take care

of you as if you were my own.

- Well, you've always kept up that promise.

You've always been like a father to me or something.

- If your drinking interferes with work one more time,

I'm gonna have to fire you.

Understand?

- Yeah.

- If I have one complaint from one parent, one kid, one dog,

I'm gonna fire you so fast,

you'll be out of work immediately.

- Don't do that, it's annoying.

- Sorry-

- Hey, come on.

You made me blow that shot.

- He says that if I fuck up one more time,

I'm gonna get fired.

- Oh, this is serious, Shakes.

- What are you gonna do?

- What am I gonna do?

I'm not gonna drink at work anymore,

that's what I'm not gonna do.

- Yeah, right.

You haven't drawn a sober breath since I've known you.

- I resent that.

I've been sober plenty of times.

- When?

- What about when I was in my coma?

That entire month I did not have one drink.

And when I had to go to court.

- You got shit-faced at the judge's chambers

and started juggling his gavels.

That's settled.

From now on, me and Dink are gonna go with you

on your rounds to make sure you don't drink.

- I don't need you guys.

I don't have a problem.

I can stop on my own, thank you.

- I'm sure you can but we're gonna go with you just

to make sure you get off to a good start.

To Shakes and his newfound sobriety.

Hang in there, Shakes.

Hang in there.

- I gotta have a drink. - No, you don't.

You don't got to.

- I gotta have a drink.

- Shakes, last night I came this much closer

to fulfilling my dream of becoming a professional bowler

and you weren't there.

How's that supposed to make me feel?

- Don't think about it.

You don't gotta think about it.

- Come on, please. - Hang on.

Calm down.

We're trying to help you, man.

We're trying to help.

I know if you have one you'll want more.

- All right, calm down.

- Oh, geez, he's puking!

- All right, just calm down.

Don't think about it, Shakes.

- Should we stop? - Just keep going.

- Oh, please, guys, give me one drink.

- Don't think about it, Shakes!

Don't think about it.

Calm down.

- Fight it, fight it.

- What are we gonna play, Dink?

- A nice game of Simon Says.

Okay, kiddies.

- You're not funny, clown.

- Give it a break on that horn, will you?

Kid, if you blow that horn one more time,

I'm gonna shove it right up your ass.

Let me explain something to you.

You're a loser.

Your parents had to pay grown men

to come and play with you today

because kids collectively, on a whole, think you suck.

All right?

If you want me to leave, that's fine.

I'm out of here. - I'm sorry.

Please don't go, mister.

- What's shakin' there, Shakes?

- Hey, everything okay?

- Duh, I'm it.

We'll play hide-and-go-seek.

Get 'em out of the house.

- Good idea. - Hide-and-seek.

- I'm it, everybody.

Go, 901

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm okay, I'm fine.

103, 108, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96.

98, Whoa, 32, 37, 36.

G, G, F, K.

A-

Here I come, ready or not,

you little bastards.

- Mister, are you okay?

- Oh, I hope he's dead!

- Hey, hey, what's wrong?

- Oh, nothing.

My teacher just nearly puked

when he tried my peach flan, that's all.

- Are you serious?

It can't be that bad.

Here, let me try it.

- Would ya? - Sure.

You like it?

- Yeah, it's good.

- You spit it out. - No, I didn't.

- I saw you.

- No, it was yummy.

Is Shakes all right? - He's fine.

He's got the toughest head I've ever seen.

He'll be all right. - Yeah.

He's over at my place sleeping it off.

He'll be sleeping it off all night.

- How you doing, fuckers?

How are we tonight?

- Hi, Shakes. - Hi.

- Oh, pumpkin!

- Why don't you all kiss my ass?

- Shakes.

- Oh, hi, boss.

How you doing?

- You're fired.

- I'm fired?

I'll kill you, you motherfucker!

- Oh, no.

Come on, help me.

We gotta get him up.

Let's get him in the back room.

- Shakes tipsy?

Gasp.

Oh, there's a surprise.

- He looks so cherubic.

- What the hell does that mean?

- Like an angel.

- Yeah, I'd like to stomp his fucking angel head.

- Well, here's to Mr. Cheese coming

to his senses and firing that loser.

- Here's to Shakes getting fired.

- He's thrown his last pie in this town.

- Okay, now go in the back room

and wait for the two rodeo clowns there.

I'll be there.

And Boots. - Hmm?

- Remember the code?

- We don't have to worry about this guy.

He's out of it.

Duh, hi, boys and girls.

I'm Shakes the clown.

God, this guy must drink formaldehyde.

- Hey, let's put his hand in hot water.

- Wait a minute, what's that do?

- Makes him pee. - Oh, all right.

- Hi. - Hello.

- Are you Binky? - No.

- Is that Binky? - No, that's not Binky.

- Then who the fuck are you?

- I'm Ho-Ho the clown.

Nice to meet you.

- Well, fuck you, party clown!

I don't like this.

Let's get outta here.

- Wait a second, I'll go get Binky now.

- Let me go, I know right where he is.

- You entertain our guests...

- Shut up!

You're fucking with the wrong clowns now, pal.

- My cyst! - Let me do something to him.

- You wanna hurt him? - Something.

- He wants to hurt you.

Don't make eye contact, boy.

You know where Binky is? - Yeah, I know where Binky is.

- Then run and get him real quick.

You understand me? - Okay.

Will you excuse me, please?

- Don't look at him. - Look at me.

Is this yours? - Don't look at him.

- I can't breathe. - Don't go crazy.

- He looked at me! - I did not.

- Just settle down.

You're in the barrel.

He's in the barrel.

It's okay, just relax.

- My cyst. Ouch.

- And I'll tell you another extremely interesting thing

about me is that even though I've got this

big-time cartoon show on the air now,

I'm not gonna change.

I'm not gonna be one iota different than I ever was.

You know why I'm not gonna change?

- Why?

- 'Cause I'm an asshole!

Asshole!

You all hate me.

You all loathe me.

Make fun of my jokes, think I'm not funny.

Think my balloon animals suck.

You know that.

Binky the doormat.

Binky the doormat, that should be my name.

Not Binky the clown.

Binky the doormat.

Everybody walks all over, I don't stick up for myself.

They say the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

I'm the quietest fucking wheel you've ever seen

'cause I don't bitch about anything.

I'm a wimp.

Fucking nuts, that's what I am.

Insane?

No, I'm not insane.

I'm just different.

I didn't wear my crystal today.

That always makes me a little tense.

- The dolphins are in the Jacuzzi.

- Will you excuse me for a moment, please?

- Sure, go ahead, it's okay.

- Thanks.

- Why is it I hate it when he buys the drinks?

- 'Cause he acts like a maniac.

- Mm-hmm.

- The thing is I I don't understand

why he can't just drink normally like the rest of us.

He gets so out of control.

- Maybe it's because he saw his father crushed

to death by an elephant.

A thing like that can scar you for life.

- He drinks so much to forget he's a fucking alcoholic!

- Geez, Lucy, would you lighten up?

- Cut the guy some slack.

- Dink, Stenchy, do you guys know where Shakes is?

- Oh, he's still sleeping it off back there.

- Oh, I thought I'd give him another chance.

- Thank you, Mr. Cheese.

- Jesus, Mary and Joseph hanging off the cross,

for Christ's sake.

Goddamn it! Shit!

- I'll see if he's still asleep.

- Thank you so much - That is great, man.

- Do it.

Beak, Randi, beak.

- Ow! Goddamn!

That's good stuff.

That's good stuff.

Woo, Colombian prairie dog.

Got a mean kick on the back end, though.

But it's about the best stuff you can get

around these parts.

I tell you what.

You boys ain't bad for a bunch

of pussy birthday party clowns.

Binky, you ever been kicked in the head by a bull?

- Something like that. - This old boy has

about 100 times.

Here, try some of this stuff here, Binky.

But be careful, boy.

It's got a mean bite on the back end.

- Well, salud.

- Binky.

Say, wait a minute.

You clowns are on dope.

- Where you going, old man?

You didn't see nothing, all right?

You saw five happy, jolly clowns sitting around,

eating a big plate of beef, white, powdery beef.

- Binky, you son of...

- Boys, the poop has hit the fan.

We just killed my boss.

- Listen, Bink, it's been a lot of fun,

but we gotta hit the road.

We'll catch you on the flip-flop, son.

- Wait, wait.

Where are you going?

Witnesses.

Future cell mates.

Coke dealers.

Let's powwow.

Let's chitchat.

Let's palaver.

- Well, all right, Bink.

What's the deal?

- It's your move.

- You know what?

I really gotta learn how he did that.

Remember that Cheese guy, the clown guy?

The thing with the card.

Hey, look.

That's the difference between a cop

and a really good cop.

Wasn't that amazing?

- It was childish when he did it.

When you do it, it's infantile.

Now would you knock it off.

- Go ahead.

- Turn those off!

Now make it look like there's been a fight.

- You don't talk to me anymore.

- You're insensitive to my needs.

- That's a fight?

I said a fight.

You're making it look like powder puffs.

Come on, mix it up.

- I know karate.

Well, I know the Vulcan nerve pinch.

- Fuck you, fucker.

- Why don't you kiss my rosy red ass?

- Just lay him down on the floor and shut up.

I gotta use the phone.

- You can't listen. - Take this, you...

- Shut up!

I'm telephoning.

Shhh.

Hello, police department?

This is Mr. Owen Cheese at the U-Rent-A-Clown office.

Oh, God.

There's a guy in the office and he's trying to murder me.

My life is in jeopardy.

Please come quickly.

They're on the way, boys.

Let's move 'em out.

- You ever find yourself sweating a lot?

- No. - Headachy?

- No. - Sudden mood swings?

- I'll mood swing you right out of this car

if you don't knock it off!

I'm trying to concentrate on my move!

Wait a minute. - What?

- You were just in the Peanut Brittle House

and now you're at Lollipop Woods.

How the hell did that happen?

- Peter Crony. - Goddamn it!

- 18-12, we've got a 7-11 in progress

at the U-Rent-A-Clown office.

17th and Central, over.

- 18-12 responding.

- Why does this always happen when I'm winning?

Remember, I'm green.

- Open the door, it's the police!

- Open up immediately. - This is the police.

We can see you in there.

- We know you're in there.

Come on out.

- Step back.

We're gonna kick the door down.

- He's going out the back.

- Damn it! - Where the hell did he go?

- I've been with you the whole time!

How do I know?

- If you kept your eyes open for once...

- Here, I'm gonna call for backup.

- Don't just grab it!

Dammit, things like that are exactly why people hate you!

- What do you mean people hate me?

What kind of a broad, general, sweeping statement is that?

I've got lots of friends.

- I'm not talking about your friends.

They're supposed to like you 'cause they're your friends.

I'm talking about everyday normal people you meet

on the street who hate you right away.

-120, 10.

Will you stop that?

- I thought you liked Lady of Spain.

- I love Lady of Spain,

but that's not Lady of Spain, is it, Ty?

Damn, just play something else.

I'm trying to count my money.

Let's see, where was I? - I'll play Lady of Spain.

- Hey, that's that damn clown.

- Where?

I'll ask him if this is Lady of Spain.

- Get down, you dumbass!

Too bad about his accident.

- What accident?

- You know the one

where he was so distraught by killing his boss

that was like a father to him

that he ran himself off a cliff.

Shit! - That fuck-face!

- Oh, great.

- Meet your maker, party clown.

- Hey, sorry about the headlight.

Tell you what.

Why don't you pull over, we'll exchange phone numbers.

Get an estimate...

Fuck you!

Pay for your own headlight, asshole!

Shit!

I just made my last payment.

- Look at him.

- Are you watching? - I'm watching.

- Now watch me closely.

See, this is very important.

- Jesus, Shakes!

Boar! Hey, Boar!

- Hey, hi.

- Fuck you, clown!

- Judy, I can't take it anymore.

- The police came by the Twisted Balloon tonight.

- I killed Mr. Cheese.

- What?

- I killed Mr. Cheese.

- You couldn't kill Mr. Cheese.

He was like a father to you.

You don't have it in you to do something like that, honey.

Don't you realize all your problems come

from how much you drink?

- What are we gonna do?

- Shakes.

- Jesus Christ!

I feel like a fucking idiot.

- No, no, you look very sexy.

Very French.

- I look sexy?

Do you realize if I saw myself I'd have

to kick my own ass right now?

- Maybe you and your friends will think twice

about mime bashing.

- Yeah, maybe you're right.

- Hurry up, everybody!

Mime Jerry's gonna show us

some new routines he learned in France.

Come on.

Mime's a-wasting.

- Hey, are you sure you're gonna be all right?

- Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine.

Who's gonna look for me in a mime studio?

It'll be fine. - Well, control yourself.

If you get into any trouble, call me.

- Well, okay.

Thanks a lot, doll.

I'll see you later.

Let's start with our walls.

And go!

All right, everyone.

We're gonna be a cat in a box.

Ready? Here we are.

That's right, use those claws.

Make me believe that you're that little pussy.

There we go.

Yes.

Bonjour.

- Huh?

- I'm Mime Jerry, and your name is?

- My name is Chuck.

Chuck! - Chuck!

Everyone, let's welcome Chuck.

Silently, people!

Mime Chuck, would you like to be my little helper today?

- Yeah, that'd be tremendous.

- Come on up, Chuck.

You forgot the stairs.

There's stairs here.

Whoa! There we go.

Come on up there.

There we are.

All right, Chuck,

in the future the underwear should go on the inside.

And let's keep Mom's candy-red panty hose at home, okay?

I don't want to see what religion you are.

Ready?

Let's start with our walls.

And go!

Come on, Chuck.

We're doing a wall now.

Chuck, you're not copping a feel on a big-tittied lady.

Let's make a wall.

Are we on medication, or don't we know what a wall is?

Let's make it a single wall, not putting your hand in shit.

Come on, Chuck, tighten that wrist up, or I'll break it.

There we go, there you go, Chuck.

Tighten it!

There we go.

Ready?

There we are.

Let's make our wall, make our wall.

There it is.

It's all over us.

Uh-oh, look out, it might be above us too.

It might be above us, Chuck.

What are we doing, a little watusi?

Come on, Chuck, make the wall.

All right, enough of that.

Everybody get ready to fry our bacon.

Ready?

Here we go!

Raise 'em!

Suck in the little pork belly.

And fry.

Come on, Chuck.

We wanna fry off that fat ass of yours.

Fry, fry, fry, Chuckie!

Come on, everybody, let's sizzle.

We're gonna sizzle off Chuck's little pork butt, aren't we?

Come on, Chuck, fry yourself.

Let the heat work through you.

Shake your meat, Chuck.

You got a roll of quarters.

Make some change.

There we go, now you're burning.

Now you're on fire.

Shake your money maker.

Think about being eaten, and then curl up.

Curl up, Chuck!

There we go!

Come on.

Curl, curl, curl, curl, curl

Chuck, you having an epileptic fit?

You Okay?

- Who's there?

- Like you don't know.

It's me, Binky.

- What are you doing here, you creep?

- I brought these for ya.

- They're very pretty-

Where'd you steal 'em?

- If this bed could talk, huh, Judy?

I understand how you feel.

You're hurt, we're all hurt.

I mean, Shakes, a murderer?

- Listen, Binky, Shakes may be alcoholic,

and a bad lay, but he's not a murderer.

- Not a murderer?

How can you say he's not a murderer?

He took one of his own juggling pins

and smashed in Mr. Cheese's head with the fucking thing.

Again and again and again, just hitting and hitting

and the head bursting and splattering underneath.

Boots and HoHo could've stopped me, but they didn't stop me!

Wait.

Did I say me just now? - Yes.

- Whoa. Back up.

Now I've gotta kill you.

Beautiful.

Another red-letter day for Binky the clown.

Just great.

Just great.

More bullshit and pressure in my life!

- All right, let's move on to riding a pony

into the Grand Canyon.

This is kind of an existential mime dealing

with life and death.

All right, everybody, saddle up.

Saddle up, Chuck!

Come on, boy!

Get on your pony.

You ready? - I'm on my pony.

- All right, I see that, Chuckles.

Let's go, ready?

And head 'em out.

Ride.

You're riding toward the canyon now.

Head 'em out.

Hyah!

Tommy, you lose that hat again,

I'm putting it up your ass and it'll be hard

to walk in the wind.

There you go, boy.

Very good, everyone.

Hyah!

Come on, people.

This is not funny, this is serious.

You look like a bunch of goddamn rodeo clowns.

Whoa!

Chuck, you didn't join us at all.

That really pisses me off.

Let's try it again.

For a brief moment, time out, everyone.

You're a clown, aren't ya?

- No, I'm not a clown. - Really?

Let's try again.

All right, everybody, ready to do this one?

This is the mime called puberty.

Ready?

All right, everybody.

Ladies, do something different.

Ready? Whoa!

' Hi, Judy here.

We'll, I'm not here.

Leave a message.

Bye! - Hey, Judy?

Yeah.

Judy, this is Mime Chuck.

I think I figured out something.

I'll see you later, okay?

Bye-bye.

- Oh, man.

I can't believe this is happening.

- Me either.

He was a great guy.

- He was a great guy.

He was the greatest guy.

I don't know.

- Hey! Hey!

Hey, dinkhead! - Somebody's callin' you.

- A mime!

- Jesus Christ, you stupid shit!

It's me!

- Shakes, you're a mime!

- I'm not a mime!

- I knew it.

Remember how he used to sit for hours and not say nothin'?

- This is a double whammy, man.

First I find out you killed someone.

Now I find out you're a mime.

That's weird!

- I didn't kill Mr. Cheese.

- Oh, yeah, all right.

Then who did?

- It was some rodeo clowns!

- Rodeo clowns.

Come on.

- You know, I heard you.

You said it yourself in the Twisted Balloon.

You said you were gonna kill him.

- You don't even know what you're doing

when you're drunk.

That's the problem, man.

- Yeah, look, Shakes, just...

Turn yourself in to the police.

- You gotta believe me, man.

Come on.

Where's Judy?

- She ain't here.

- Judy didn't show up for work?

- No. - No.

- Yeah. - No, not work.

She didn't show up for work.

She is not inside.

If you look inside, she's not there.

- She's never late.

We gotta go find her.

You guys aren't gonna help me, huh?

- Dink. - Come on.

- Shakes, Shakes, come on.

We'll take my car.

- Just promise me you don't

enjoy dressing like that, do you?

- The tights ride me in the crotch a little bit,

but outside of that it's not that bad.

- It's just weird to see you look like this.

- Hurry UP-

- I can't move any faster in these heels.

- Shit. - Oh, man.

I'm sorry Dink didn't believe you.

- Shut up, man, I believe him.

- Oh, you... - No, you shut up.

- Guys, guys, guys, man, come on.

They got my girlfriend.

- What are we gonna do?

- We have to go to that rodeo clown bar.

- The Broken Saddle? - See, that's stupid.

- No, those guys are tough. - They're big there.

They hit you. - They always fight...

- I can't believe what I'm hearing.

You gonna help me out or what the fuck?

- I wanna go! - You're the idiot who...

- He's a chickenshit. - Yeah, I'm chicken.

Stupid idiot.

- How you doin', Spur?

What's wrong with you, son?

Come on, Ty, let's go get some pussy.

Hey, cut it out.

Leave the damn people alone.

- Oh, shit. - We're gonna get

our asses kicked. - Just act tough.

- Don't be intimidated.

- Say, you rough, tough cowboys aren't fixin'

to mess up my joint, are ya?

- No, we just wanted to go in and have a couple of beers.

- Shut the fuck up!

This here's a rodeo clown bar, and you ain't rodeo clowns.

- Yes, we are.

- How come I ain't never seen you here before?

- 'Cause we're from the east.

- Yeah?

Well, I'm from back east,

and I ain't never laid eyes on you.

- We're from the Middle East.

Actually, Lebanon.

- Hi, I'm Dink.

Nice to meet you. - Dink this.

- Please don't hurt me!

- I'm gonna go lie next to my friends.

- No, no, no!

Welcome back.

- Jeez, we're gonna be here all night.

- Had enough?

- That's it, man?

Usually we gotta watch you get your ass kicked for an hour.

- That's the truck!

The clowns that ran me off the road!

Get up!

Come on, let's go!

- See you later. - Come on!

- Falafel-eatin' assholes.

- Calm down, Clown Judy.

I was nervous my first time on TV too.

Turn that frown upside-down, Clown Judy.

Did you know, this is a fact...

it takes 98 muscles to frown

and only two to smile.

That's true!

Laugh and learn with Binky the clown!

It's a shame that your boyfriend Shakes won't be around

to see your big television debut!

Oh, perfection.

You look beautiful, Clown Judy.

Beautiful!

Don't you understand what I'm saying?

I love you.

- Oh, no!

It's that Shakes!

- Get the gun out! - I am!

- Come on, hurry up.

Get your gun out.

Come on!

- Why the hell did you buy guns in pieces for?

- Quit fuckin' around.

Get the gun together.

- Don't tell me what to do, pisshead.

- Don't you call me a pisshead.

- Hiya, pissheads!

- Shakes, are you sure these are the guys?

- Shoot him!

- Look out! - Look out!

- Suck butt, fudge pants!

- I'm gonna get me a couple of 'em.

- Yeah, how'd that feel, Shakes?

- Where'd they go?

- They're coming up here right now.

They're coming right, there they are.

That's them!

They're pulling up right alongside of us!

All right, I'm gonna get 'em.

- You wanna play some more, party clown?

- Hand me the pie.

- The what? - The pie!

- Get that gun out of my face, Ty.

- Then where the hell am I...

- Don't point it down there!

Shit!

Grab the wheel!

Grab the wheel!

Oh, shit!

Stop it!

Goddamn.

- Get out.

Jesus Christ!

Where's Judy?

You stupid fuck!

Where is she?

Where's Judy?

Where is she?

What did you do with her?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

You gotta believe me.

- Like you didn't try to fuckin' kill me.

- We thought you could frame us for killing Cheese.

We didn't do it!

- Who killed Mr. Cheese?

- Binky.

Cheese caught him doin' drugs,

so he went nuts and killed the guy.

You gotta believe me, man.

- You gonna be okay?

- Yeah.

- Come on, guys!

Let's 90 get Binky! - Oh yeah!

- All right, kids, listen up.

Hey, knock it off.

What are we gonna do when we see Binky the clown?

No, I don't think so.

You're gonna have to be more enthused when you see Binky.

You guys know about sharing, right?

That's what we want...

an 8.9 Nielsen share.

It's an adult kind of thing.

We're all older.

We know what's funny.

That's why we're helping you out with this little deal here.

Super? Good.

So how's it gonna happen?

That's it.

You're getting it.

Give it up, come on.

What does it say?

Harder.

Give it up, come on!

Do it!

Come on!

That's good, that's good.

Come on, a little more.

Don't hold back.

Three, two... Binky!

? Good morning, kids

? I'm up with the sun

? It's time for games

? Laughs and cartoon fun

? Come on and join in

? Binky's my name

? I'm livin' life in the fun lane

? So hop on board

? The Cartoon Circus train

? Whoo-whoo

? Come on with Binky now

? Come on

- Dance with Binky, kids!

Come on!

? It's a fun-a-delic show

? No other show can match it

? Binky cartoon fever

? Catch it

Yeah!

- Come on, come on, just get in.

' See?

I told you it was Binky the whole time.

- What?

What is this?

You're the only one who still thinks it's Shakes.

- No. - No, you...

Hey, get in the car! - Get in the car!

What's wrong with you?

- When are you gonna admit you're wrong?

- I'll never admit that I'm wrong, because I'm not.

- You Will.

One morning you're gonna wake up one morning and say,

"It's time for me to admit I was wrong."

And I'm gonna be there.

I'm gonna be there when it happens.

- Hey, fellas.

Let's say we go for a little stroll, if you don't mind.

Come on.

Come on, let's go.

- Woo!

That was a lot of fun!

Another fun thing that we like to do

on the Cartoon Circus is make new friends.

I have a new friend I'd like you all to meet,

boys and girls at home

and boys and girls in the studio today.

My new assistant...

The lovely, lovely, lovely...

Clown Judy!

Say hi to Judy, everybody.

We're gonna try something with Judy.

These are knives.

Remember, you might want Mom and Dad to help you...

Whoa!

I have got butterfingers today.

Oh, boy.

We're gonna try it anyway.

Like some of you boys and girls at home,

Clown Judy has not always been this helpful!

- You guys wanna get in the trunk please?

- Don't ask 'em.

Tell 'em!

If you ask 'em, they're gonna say

no, I don't want to get in the trunk.

Tell 'em! - All right, all right.

Get in the fuckin' trunk.

Go on.

- Shakes!

- Don't worry, Judy.

I hardly ever miss.

Sorry about that.

Gonna be hearing from the union about that tomorrow.

You piss me off.

You know why you piss me off?

Hi, Shakes.

Could I get you another beer, Shakes, freshen it up?

Maybe some Corn Nuts, Shakes?

Shakes, Shakes, Shakes, Shakes.

- Wait a minute.

Come back here.

- Let go of me!

- Get in the trunk.

- Shakes, you're alive.

- What the fuck?

- Talk about a shot of whiskey, huh, fellas?

Let's go kick Binky's dick.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Come on, let's go!

Stupid shoes!

- But there were times

when I needed a little service too, babe.

You just weren't interested, were ya, doll face?

What about me?

What about Binky?

What about my needs?

What about my needs as a thirsty, horny clown?

- Yeah!

- I'm all right, kids!

I'm all right!

- Hey, knock it off!

Come on, guys!

We're on the air!

Cool it!

- Don't you push me!

- Rip his head off!

- Bartender, can't you fix that TV?

That's a hell of a shot.

All we got is his ass.

- Come on, Shakes, get up.

- Come on, you bum.

Roll over.

- Oh, Shakes, Oh.

- Look at the lovebirds. - Yeah, ain't love grand?

- I gotta have her call me.

- How sweet it is.

- Are you gonna keep your promise

and stop drinking and get some help?

- All right, here we go.

Come on, come on.

- Spread out.

This is a police matter, people.

- Nice job, Shakes.

- I don't regret a goddamn thing, Shakes!

- We're going to the rubber room.

This is just the way I planned it!

Oh, excellent plan!

- Hi, my name's Shakes, and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Shakes.

- Welcome, Shakes.

- I was thinkin', all my life I've always been in trouble.

I've never grown up.

I tend to act like the world owes me a favor,

like it revolves around me or somethin'.

I never thought, sincerely, that I'd be sober this long.

And the only thing I know now is

that I really just don't know anything

except what I learn here and what you guys tell me.

Thanks for letting me share.

- Until I see you tomorrow,

be good to yourself and be your own dessert.

Bye-bye! " Cut!

That was super. - Was it? Lucky me.

Get the fuck off me, you shithead.

I could have you fired.

Judy, hi! " Lucy!

You look so glamorous.

' Thanks.

- All I'm sayin' is, you got a blank TV screen there

but in a few seconds you got Stenchy and I coming on there,

lighting up the place, TV stars is what I'm tryin' to say.

' See?

I told you, TV, girls.

- Look, you guys, get lost.

We're the producers.

- Seriously?

That's whoa.

Well, we like your show.

It's cool. - Good night.

- Bye. - Five, four,

three, two, show time!

Hi, kids, it's me, your friend, Shakes the clown.

I've got an extra-special show for you today.

So please welcome my friend, Mime Jerry!

- It's a mime!

Get him!

Should we go to a cartoon?

? When I was a kid

? My dad had pictures of these clowns

? He hung them on my wall

? And wouldn't let me take 'em down

? I didn't understand then

? and I still can't figure out

? Still can't figure out

? What those goddamn clowns were so sad about

? A clown was my boss at every job I ever had

? Clowns run all the record companies

? That ever said we're bad

? A clown pretended to be a girl

? Who pretended to be my friend

? This world is run by clowns

? Who can't wait for it to end

? I have yet to meet a kid not scared to death of clowns

? They can't walk and they don't talk

? They got painted-on frowns

? A clown with a gun

? I hope I never see

? Hope I never see

? Would he shoot himself or shoot me

? A clown taught every class I took at my old high school

? Clowns all wear Speedos when they hang out by the pool

? Clowns dress up like cops and threaten to call my folks

? This town is filled with clowns who don't get my jokes

? They fall on their asses

? It takes lots of practice

? They fall on their asses

? It takes lots of practice

? They fall

? They fall

? I have nightmares filled with clowns

? And you're there too

? You have a big red nose and stupid, floppy shoes

? You're becoming one

? I can see the signs

? I can see the signs

? I hate clowns and I hate mimes

? A clown was my boss at every job I ever had

? Clowns run all the record companies

? That ever said we're bad

? A clown pretended to be a girl

? Who pretended to be my friend

? This world is run by clowns who can't wait for it to end

? Wait for it to end

? Wait for it to end

? Wait for it to end