All language subtitles for Murder, She Wrote - 06x21 - The Szechuan Dragon.DVD-Rip .English.HI.orig

I don't understand it.

I do.

You got me up here
for the wild goose season.

FEMALE NARRATOR:
Tonight on Murder She Wrote.

I'm not due
for two months.
It's a boy.

And I've never
felt better.

Is there a problem
with the baby?

Absolutely not.

Mr. Fletcher,
my father came to
this house to retrieve

an extremely
valuable object
that was rightfully his.

Who was the victim,

and what in the hell
was he doing with a key
to Mrs. Fletcher's door?

What is going on there?

CARLA:
Evening, Captain.

Yeah, it was.

Give it to me, now.

I haven't got it.

Don't you lie to me.

You took it
from the Cambodian

five weeks ago
in Singapore.

It's mine.
I want it back.

Oh!

(GROANS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

You got my message.

You know very well,
my dear, that you
sent me no message.

But I did.

Carla, dear heart,

if you were ever
to tell me the truth

without me
first having to
extort it from you,

it would
shatter my convictions

about the entire nature
of the universe.

And that quarter-pound
of makeup on your face

indicates that
you've met up with
our seafaring friend.

Did you get it?

No.

He said the Cambodian
took it from him in Singapore.

And that's
the last I remember.

Except for his destination.

My bags are in the limousine.

Where are we going?

Nice horn.
Why don't you buy it?

Hiya, Doc!
Sorry I startled you.

Grady! I wasn't
looking for you for
a whole other hour.

Hello, there, Donna!

Hello, Dr. Hazlitt.

Donna, I told you
to stay in the car.

Grady,
for heaven's sakes,

being pregnant
does not mean

"Wait in the car."

I'm not due
for two months.
It's a boy.

And I've never
felt better.

Yeah, well,
I'd feel a whole lot better

if you'd just
take a look at her.

I mean, after we get
settled in and all.

Be my pleasure.

Jessica's key.
Oh, thanks.

Oh, now, please, Donna,
get back in the car.

You shouldn't be out
in this kind of weather.

Grady, Grady,
it's 60 degrees and sunny.

I know.
Enjoy it, Donna.

You probably won't get
this kind of attention
for many a moon.

Oh, have you heard
anything from Aunt Jess?

Yeah.

Said she was looking in
on her cousin Emma's
rehearsals.

Said she'd call you
in a day or two,
see how you're doing.

I'll tell you
one thing for sure.

After New York's crowds,
noise and pollution,

this is going to
work out just great.

Young lady, if you need
something for those nerves,

you let me know.

Thank you, Dr. Hazlitt,
but my nerves are just fine.

Not yours, his.

I wish
you'd let me help.

I'm okay.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Just go sit down, okay?

You must be Grady and Donna.

I'm Connie Lewis.
I live next door.

Oh, here, let me
give you a hand.
Well, thanks.

(EXCLAIMS)

I take care of
Jessica's plants
when she's away.

Jessica told me you'd be
house sitting this week,
but I didn't know

when you'd be arriving,
and, well, plants
get thirsty.

And Ionely.

Ah, now I know
they'll be in good hands.

By the way,
this little darling
likes the afternoon sun.

(ENGINE RUMBLING)

My son, Stanley.
That noise.

Stanley, do you have
to park that thing where
the whole world can see it?

And can you believe
he's about to buy
a new one

that's even bigger
and noisier?

Kids.

Oh, who knows?
Maybe I'll get lucky

and the bank will
turn down his loan.

Then if that old thing
would just fall apart
and die...

Well, call me
if you need anything.

Thanks. Bye.

Well, I guess
we better get started.

Donna,
are you out of your mind?

Now, look. Look,
I don't want you to
climb those stairs.

But...
Look. This is what I'll do.

I'll grab some blankets

and some pillows
and some sheets

and I'll turn this sofa
into a nice little bed
for you.

Grady...
Then I'll bring a TV
in from the other room.

Grady!
And I'II...

Grady!

The bathroom is upstairs,
right next to the guest room.

Oh, right.

(PHONE RINGING)
And besides,
the doctor said

I need a little rest,
not a total veg-out.

Fletcher residence.

Aunt Jess! How are you?

I'm wonderful,
but more to the point,
how are you?

And Donna
and your heir to be?

Oh, I'm so glad.

Well, for one thing,
she won't sit still
like she's supposed to,

but everything else
seems to be under control.

How's Emma's show?

Let me give you
an indication, Grady.

You know the Royal Family
rarely attends opening nights.

Donna, will you put
that thing down
and sit?

That's fantastic,
Aunt Jess.

I mean, not only that,
it's protocol for them

to come backstage
after the performance.

You're kidding.
You're gonna meet
the Queen of England?

Even if I have
to set up housekeeping
in Emma's dressing room.

Oh, by the way,
I'm staying in Emma's flat.

The phone number is next
to the kitchen phone.

And, oh, yes,
there's a blue envelope...

There's a blue envelope
in the top drawer,

next to the sink.

A few hundred dollars in cash.
It's for the plumber.

It's here.

Yeah, it's there.

Oh, good.

I will, Grady.

Oh, and give my love to Donna.

Okay, I will. Bye-bye.

Bye.

All right, Miss Thyssen,
the joke's wearing thin.

Where is he?

I don't understand it.

I do.

You got me up here
for the wild goose season.

And why would I
be here with you?

Well, I can think
of several reasons.

For instance,
you've joined forces
with the Cambodian

and you've brought me here
to keep me out of the play.

The man
at the bus terminal gate

in New York confirmed
what the ticket clerk
told me.

The captain had
a ticket to Cabot Cove.

Perhaps the captain
got to them before you did.

Listen, you.
You're the one
who was so sure

you could learn
who he was going to see

in this backwater.

Carla, my dear,
never lose your charming fire.

It almost compensates for
your pathological dishonesty.

Well, thank you.

No, I'll take
the bottom drawer.

Wonderful.
I'm not allowed
to stoop, stand,

walk, twist,
kneel, stretch.

Donna, will you
stop lifting things?

Right. I forgot lift.
Grady, it's empty.

Here, let me have that...

Are you all right?
I'm fine.

Oh, this is gruesome.

Can you actually
picture Aunt Jess
buying anything like this?

Probably a gift
she was too nice
to toss out.

So she puts it
in the guest room

to keep people
from staying too long.

Oh, broiled scrod?
Nothing to it, Mr. Fletcher.

A little butter,
a little garlic.

Great for the missus.

Of course,
nobody, but nobody,
does it better than your aunt.

Tell me about it.

Look, Stanley,
I just don't want

any more ripped nets,
understand?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard you already.

Nick, see you soon.

(CLATTERING)

(CRASHING)

(WHISPERING) Grady, wake up.

What?
Grady, wake up!

Donna, it's not
even light yet.
Go to sleep.

Grady, there's
somebody downstairs.

What, here?

Yes, listen.

I don't hear anything.

Grady, I heard it.

Maybe we should
call the police.

Okay, okay,
I'll go take a look.

Do you suppose Jessica has
a baseball bat or something?

She took it to London
with her. Now stay here.

(GASPS)

There you are.

I'd say death
must have been
instantaneous.

Blow on the head
from Jessica's
old lamp.

No identification.

I love all the help
I'm getting.

You know,
this lamp had to be
one of her favorites.

It's been here as long
as I can remember.

Listen, Doc.
Yeah.

This thing has got
Donna really, really upset,

so if there's anything
you can do, I'd...

More coffee, Sheriff?

Oh, you just said
the magic word.

Thank you very much.

So did you have
any luck with that letter
I found in his pocket?

Well, even if I could read
whatever language it's in,

the handwriting
is so awful.

(SIGHING) Wonderful.

Come on, sit.
Oh.

Watch your feet.
I smell fish.

Yeah,
poor fellow did seem
like a seafaring man.

Well,
the way I figure,
it was burglary.

The victim and his partner
get as far as trashing
Mrs. Fletcher's living room.

They get into a fight.
The partner kills him
and takes off.

So what we're looking at is,

who was the partner,

who was the victim,

and what in the hell
was he doing with a key
to Mrs. Fletcher's door?

Unless he was
a friend of hers.

I don't recall her
ever offering me a key.

Here's the key she gave us.

(RINGING)

Fletcher residence.

Aunt Jess,
is everything okay?

Oh, yes,
wonderful, thank you.

I hope
I didn't wake you up,

but I'm on my way
out to Harrods,

to buy something
to wear, I hope.

Grady,
is everything all right?

Yeah.
Yes, just great.
Couldn't be better.

What do I tell her?

All it'll do is upset her.

What can she do
from 3,000 miles away?

And please,
use whatever else is
in the freezer as well.

Thanks, Aunt Jess.

Listen,
would you by any chance

know of an old sailor
by the name of...

It's right on the tip
of my tongue.

Well, anyway,
he kind of dropped in.

Well, he's got scraggly hair,
a gray beard,

bushy eyebrows,
a wooden leg...

He sounds
a lot like Captain Ahab.

I'm afraid it doesn't
ring any bells, Grady,

but I suppose
if it's important,
he'll stop by again.

No, I don't think so.

Well, give Donna
a big hug and a kiss for me.

Yeah, I will.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Well,
I suppose we can assume

he didn't get
that key from Jessica.

Which does not excuse
her always leaving
these doors open.

I have told her
one hundred times

that she's gonna get
a lot of freak weirdoes

walking in off the street,
but, oh, no.

Now when she goes away,
that's when she locks
the door

and then total strangers
turn up with their own keys.

How'd you get in here?

The lock on the door
is almost as primitive
as this community.

You look very desirable,
Carla.

But as you know, I never
mix business with pleasure.

We still do have
a business arrangement,
do we not?

Of course.

How terribly reassuring.

I stopped by your room
last evening and...

There I go again,
how I envy those
with trusting natures.

You probably took
a stroll down to the beach

for a midnight swim.

I took a walk, yes,
not to the beach.

Can I have my revolver?

I went to the beach,
looking for you.

Whom did you meet?

No one. I saw no one.

Not the captain?
No.

The Cambodian, then?

Is he here?

A few minutes ago,
the radio reported

that the body of a man

answering the captain's
description

was found dead,
apparently murdered,

in the home of
a local mystery writer.

J.B. Fletcher.

So that's who
he came here to see.

You tell me.

Justin, I don't have it.

Not in this room, you don't.

You still have exquisite
taste in lingerie, Carla.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yes?

Where did
you go last night
after our meeting?

You insult me.

If only that were possible.

Did Hunnicut kill him?

No, leave Justin to me.

METZGER: That's the best
you guys can do?

Oh, come on, I bet half
the clothes you're wearing

were made in Hong Kong.

Well, judging from
your jolly demeanor,
Sheriff,

I'd say
the state police
hadn't had any luck

with the fingerprints.

Hey, don't talk to me
about fingerprints.

Washington's got them all
on their computer, right?

Millions of them.
Billions of them.

Everybody
in the known world,

except for
our murder victim.
Mmm-hmm.

What you got, Doc?

Pathology report.

Victim died as a result
of a downward blow

to the left occipital
lobe from a lamp base.

That I figured.

So the murderer was
probably right-handed.

And?

And that's it.

That's it?
You call that
a pathology report?

I learned more than
that from a frog

I dissected in
high school biology.

Yeah, but your frog
didn't have a wooden leg

and carry a handwritten
letter in his pocket.

That looks like Greek to me.

Yeah, tell me about it.
No, really.

There's a theta, zeta,
and that's an upsilon.

My college fraternity.

Fraternity?

College?

Yeah, I heard about
that murder, Sheriff.

Well,
I think you've come
to the right place,

that's for sure.

(ENGINE RUMBLING)

But this handwriting...

I'm ashamed to say it.

It may be one
of my countrymen.

Mr. Zavakis,
Kris said to make sure

I get paid
for this scrod

or just don't bother
coming back to the boat.

Well, look, Stanley,
this is...

This is gonna have to do
for now.

Stanley,
I can't help it
if business is slow.

You tell Kris that
I'll get the rest of it
to him next week.

Boy, the manners
they teach kids today.

Here we go.

Nick, the letter, Nick.

Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well,
it does seem to appear

that he's some
sort of a sailor

'cause he rambles
on here about a cruise

to Shanghai, Hong Kong.

Cruise?
Yeah.

Sort of like a postcard,
you know.

He talks about
girls and sightseeing

and the weather
and, you know,
things like that.

And then he says,
"Hope to see you soon."

And he signs it,
and that looks
like Constantine.

And that's all of it?
Afraid so.

What was it that you
was looking for, Sheriff?

The answer, Nick.

The answer. Thanks.

Grady, I'm going
next door for a minute

to Connie Lewis' house
to borrow some shampoo.

Donna, wait.
Here's your sweater.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

See.
I told you it was chilly.

MAN: Phone repair.
Really?

Some kind of
noise on the line.

Mrs. Fletcher called it in
on the 10th.

Oh, gee, I hadn't
noticed any noise,

but then again
I don't live here.

My wife and I,
we're kind of house-sitting.

Actually,
there's no phone in here.

There's one
in the living room

and there's
one in the kitchen

and there's one upstairs.

Actually,
there's two upstairs.

There's the phone.
It's right behind you.

I guess since
you lived here a while,

you know my Aunt Jessica,
huh?

Oh, yes.
She is a fine lady.

Yeah.

Well, I suppose you've
read some of her books.

Yes.

They're instructive.

Instructive?
About how to murder people?

Would you mind showing me
some identification?

Hey, what are you doing?

What's the matter with you?
Are you crazy?

All right.

Proposition.

Give me what
I am looking for,

and I will not kill you.

Okay. Okay.
That's great. Really.

But do you suppose you can
give me some kind of idea
of what you want?

I mean, really.
No!

Okay.

If destroying you and
this entire structure
is necessary, then...

(SIREN WAILING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, Sheriff, he went out back.

I'll check the hall.

DONNA: Grady.

I'm okay. I'm okay.
Oh, thank God.

Oh, I called the sheriff
from Mrs. Lewis' house.

I was so worried.
About what?

That repairman.
I saw him go in,

but there was
no van outside.

Oh, man, I wish
I'd thought of that.

And then I thought
maybe I was crazy.

No. No, you weren't crazy.

He sure was.

He's gone.
He must've had
a car parked nearby.

Did you get
a good look at him?
Yeah.

It's burned into my brain.

METZGER: You okay, ma'am?
Yeah.

You were not followed?

No.

Dear Carla
doesn't suspect a thing.

SETH: I heard about
your session with Bruce Lee.

I thought I better
come by and see

how the little mother
was doing.

Oh, thanks, Doc.

All this commotion
can't be doing her
any good.

Monotonously
normal for a healthy,
seven months pregnant lady.

Are you sure?

You, on the other hand,

are ticking away
like a $2 clock.

That ought to just
about do it, Mr. Fletcher.

Oh, great. Oh, the money.

Where did Aunt Jess say
she left it?

Oh, the drawer by the sink.

Oh, yeah,
a blue envelope.

Grady, it's gone.

BOTH: The killer.

I never felt this tired

since the last time
I climbed Mount Washington,

and I don't need you
glaring at me.

Grady, these
baby pictures of you

are fabulous.

See?

Even then you had
a sweet little tush.

I suppose
we'll have a photo album

like this someday,

and our little...

Grady, look!

Oh, that's Jessica's
Aunt Harriet.

She died
a couple of months ago.

No, no, no, no, no.
I mean the man.

It's him, the one who was
murdered in the living room.

You know something?
You're right.

Nothing.
No date or anything.

Quick, where's
Aunt Jess's
phone number?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Grady, what's the matter?

Nothing, Aunt Jess.
Not a thing.

I just wanted to
call you and tell you

the plumber was here
and everything's
working like a charm.

The toilet, the sink,
the hot water.

Yeah, I found the envelope.

Yeah, she's right here.

She's having
a wonderful time

looking at your
photograph albums,

and she found a picture
of your Aunt Harriet,
with a man.

And the funny thing is,

it looks a lot like that
fellow I was telling you
about,

the one with the wooden leg
who dropped in.

Oh, of course,
that must've been Herbert.

What was it? Malachi,
Herbert Malachi.

I can't think
why I didn't make
the connection before.

That's an interesting name.

How would you spell that?

Uh-huh.

L-A-C-H-I.

At one time,
I think that Harriet

was very serious about him,

but I don't believe that
she'd seen him for years.

And I only met him
once or twice.

Yeah, well,
be sure to say hello
if he stops by again.

Yeah, I will, Aunt Jess.

Well, another thing,

would you happen to own
any valuable antiques

or rare coins
or something like that?

Grady,
what is going on there?

Has something happened
that I should know about?

Well...

Yeah, Aunt Jess.
Something's happened.

You know,
your living room?

Well, there was this accident.

Well,
you know that lamp,
next to the telephone?

Well, I broke it.

That old eyesore?
That's all?

Well, yeah. Besides that,
everything else is quiet.

Except for
Stanley next door

who's got this new motorcycle
that keeps the neighborhood
awake.

Yeah, she's right here.

Hello, Aunt Jessica.

Yes, I feel marvelous,

for an egg-shaped person.

Okay, we've got to
go now, Aunt Jess.

Goodbye.

I'm gonna get
a glass of milk.

(RINGING)

Metzger.

Sheriff,
I've got the name
of the murder victim.

You do? From where?

Yeah.

Yeah, Herbert Malachi.
Spell it.

That's fantastic.
I know a guy down
at the maritime union.

If he can't get me a line
on this bozo, nobody can.

I'm gonna call him right now.

Thanks, Grady.
This could bust it wide open.

I'll get right back to you.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hello.
Sorry to disturb you.

My car broke down.

Do you suppose
I might come in,
use your phone?

Call the Auto Club?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Come on in.

Thanks.

So, this is where he died,
isn't it?

In this house.

Where who died?

My father, Captain Malachi.

He was your father?

Yeah. He was
the only parent I knew.

My mother,
rest her soul,

she died giving birth
to me.

Oh, that's terrible.
I'm really sorry.

Look, I'm going to
be perfectly honest
with you, Mr...

It's Fletcher.
Grady Fletcher.

Mr. Fletcher,
I have reason
to believe

my father came to
this house to retrieve

an extremely
valuable object
that was rightfully his.

And he was murdered
by a person or persons

who wanted to
steal it from him.

Well, there's nothing
valuable in here.

I just got off the phone
with my Aunt Jess...

No, no, no.
The object I'm speaking of

was given to
Jessica Fletcher by
Miss Harriet Lanihan

shortly before her death.

They killed Aunt Harriet,
too?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
She died of natural causes.

But my father sent her
the object from Shanghai

because he was afraid that
the Cambodian was gonna try
and steal it from him again.

Cambodian?

Yeah.

He's an extremely
dangerous man.

Yeah, I think I've met him.

So you figure
he killed your father?

Possibly.

We're talking person
or persons.

So who else do you think
is after this whatchamacallit?

Justin Hunnicut.

Is that two people?

He's a cold, unfeeling man.

He's as relentless
as a glacier.

Mr. Fletcher,
would you help me?
Yeah.

Would you let me have
what my father died
to protect,

for himself and for me?

(DONNA CLEARING THROAT)

Well, who are you?
Who are you?

That's my wife.

Donna, this is
Captain Malachi's
daughter, Carla.

She wants me to help her.

What was she doing,
paying in advance?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

That's Hunnicut.
He mustn't find me here.

Do you have a back door?

Yeah, it's out that way,
but this thing you're after.

You never told me
what it is.

Look, I beg you,
don't do business
with Hunnicut.

I'll be in touch.

Grady, I think
maybe we should
go back to New York.

Yeah, okay,
first thing
in the morning.

Hey, I felt the baby kick.
That was my fist.

Oh.

Look, come on. This way.
Hurry up.

Don't make a sound.
But, Grady...

Donna, Donna,
don't argue with me.

There's no place to run.

I've just got
to deal with this.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Sheriff Metzger?
I thought you were Hunnicut.

Who?
I'm not sure.

Yeah, well, listen,

I got to thinking
that maybe that killer

might make
another attempt to
get his hand on your gizmo.

I think she just did.

She?

Donna,
you're wrong about her.

Captain Malachi's daughter.
She's a sweet...

Oh, oh, wait, wait.
Just save it.

My friend down
at the maritime union,

took him less than
five minutes to give me
this skinny on Malachi.

The guy was as much of
a sea captain as Floyd,
here.

He was an ordinary seaman
who jumped ship in Rangoon

back in '76
and then vanished.

The Burmese cops discovered
he was smuggling art objects

out of there
in his bunk mattress.

And as for him
having a daughter,

well, the same World War II
basic training accident

that cost him
his leg also fixed it
so he couldn't make babies.

I can't believe
I believed her.

I can.

Anyway, I decided
to post a deputy here
for the rest of the night.

Yeah, good, that's great.

Good idea, Sheriff. Who?

DONNA: Honey, wake up.

I'll get breakfast started.

(DONNA SCREAMING)

Donna, Donna!

Donna, are you okay?
Donna!

Oh, my God.

METZGER:
Sure he's okay, Doc?

SETH: A little bump
on the head there.

Not even very much swelling.

And I'd say
his brain cells
are still all fired up.

Must have hit me
from behind.
Yeah.

Probably
while you were
sleeping in the chair.

Thanks, Doc.
Yeah, yeah.

Come on, Floyd.

(PHONE RINGING)

Morning, Dr. Hazlitt speaking.

Jessica.

You sound right
across the street.

Oh, I wish I were.

I wanted to talk to you
before I leave to have
my hair done.

Oh, Seth, here it is
Emma's opening night

and I'm going
to meet the queen,

and all I can
think about is
Donna and Grady.

Do you suppose
that you could just
look in on them for me?

I have and they're fine.

What's got you worried?

Something's
not right over there.

I can hear it
in their voices.

Seth, is there a problem
with the baby?

Absolutely not.

You wouldn't fib to me?

Mrs. Fletcher,
I refuse to dignify that

with an answer.

Well, that's a relief.

And my house
is still standing?

Last time I looked.

Jess, are you sure
you're not coming down
with meet-Her-Majesty fright?

I'm told
it's very common
among us commoners.

Well, I don't know.
Maybe you're right.

Seth,

Seth,

you wouldn't happen
to know anything
about a man

who dropped in on them,
a Captain Malachi?

(STAMMERING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

I don't believe that's
a name I've heard before.

It's strange that he would
show up in Cabot Cove.

You know, at one time
he was a beau of my
Aunt Harriet.

Is that so?

Yes. She was such a dear.

She never married,
lived by herself in Boston.

You know,
she was so upset

that she had nothing
to leave me in her will,

so on her deathbed
she insisted on giving me

what has to be
the ugliest little statuette

that I have ever seen.

Jess, I've got to go.

I've got an emergency call
on my other line.

But you have a...
You have a wonderful time
tonight,

and I'll see you
in a few days.

Goodbye.

Jessica's right.
It's really ugly.

I mean, how can
so many people want

anything so unattractive?

It's gone!

When we were asleep.

You know,

I've got a hunch
it's time for
a second opinion.

You don't look good,
Sheriff.

You eating enough
seafood lately?

Kris, the letter?

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Cruise to the Far East?

Who told you that?

Never mind that.
What does it really say?

It's about a dragon
of some kind.

It says
if it's authentic,

it's worth
a great deal of money.

Kris,

how do you say
"bingo" in Greek?

The word's "eureka."

Thank you, pal.

Yeah?
Well, how sure are you?

I really feel terrible
about making such a mess

of Mrs. Fletcher's house.

Not as terrible as I feel
having to clean it up.

It wasn't easy, you know,
doing it on the quiet.

I was worried
about your missus,
her condition and all.

Oh, by the way,
how'd that scrod turn out?

I don't wanna
talk about it,
okay?

Well, I can understand that.

I really wouldn't have
done anything like this,

but business has
been really lousy,

and when the sheriff
showed me that letter from
that Rangoon art dealer...

You picked
one hell of a time

to start your
crime career, Nick.

Did that check out or what?
Yeah, it checked out.

At the very moment
our murder victim

was having his head
caved in with a lamp

in Mrs. Fletcher's
living room,

Nick was losing
next month's rent

in a poker game with
Mayor Booth and half the
volunteer fire department.

I don't do
so good at cards.

Well, that still doesn't
get you off the hook
for grand theft dragon.

What've you got, Doc?

Oh, well, quite a mouthful,
actually.

Miss Buffum
over at the library
was most helpful.

Now, let's see.

It's called
the Szechuan Dragon.

400 years old.

Tang Dynasty.

Stolen from the Forbidden City
over 200 years ago.

It vanished until 1805,

when it turned up
in the collection
of a Hapsburg prince,

which was then looted
by one of Napoleon's generals.

The general was murdered
12 years later,

and the dragon didn't
pop up again till 1916

at the hermitage
in St. Petersburg.

It was stolen
the following year,

during the Russian Revolution.

And after that...
Well, after that,
it gets kind of sketchy.

You got any idea of
what the dingus is worth?

(PHONE RINGING)
Eight figures, minimum.

Sheriff's office.
Floyd speaking.
Eight?

That would make it worth...

Yeah, it sure would.

Yes, ma'am.
Sheriff, it's Mrs. Fletcher.

She's been
trying her house
and Dr. Hazlitt's office.

Can't get anybody.

Hi, Mrs. Fletcher.

No, Grady's right here.

Donna went shopping.

No, no, they're
both still breathing.

No, your house
did not burn down.

Look,
to tell you the truth,

it's just a murder,
that's all.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, there was
a reason we didn't.

You want to know,
I'll tell you.

But I hope you're
not at a pay phone

because this
is gonna take
quite a while.

I don't know.

My husband would be
so disappointed in me.

Hey, my husband's been
disappointed in me for
18 years.

Go for it.

All right.

And I want nuts,

whipped cream,
cherries, the whole shot.

And sprinkles?

And sprinkles.

So, we're up to
our old tricks,
are we?

Justin, we...
It is you, and him.

I'm placing you
under citizen's arrest.

Shut her up.

Ow! Oh! Help! Help!

Quiet, please,
please be quiet.

Help! Help! Help! Help!

There's a clear
violation of rights.

You manhandled me.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Hey, hey, hey, all of you!
Put a lid on it,

or I'm gonna
toss you all in jail and
take a nice long vacation.

Better.

Sorry about that,
Mrs. Fletcher.

Now then,
which one of these winners
were you saying I should book?

None of them?

Well, then, who?

Who?

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Is that gorgeous or what?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Morning, Sheriff.

Morning, Mrs. Lewis.

What can we do for you?

Ma'am, I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to charge
your son with grand theft

and the murder
of Herbert Malachi.

Stanley?

Mom, he's totally shredded.
I never heard of the guy
in my life.

Well, the way
Mrs. Fletcher
figures it,

Malachi interrupted you while
you were burglarizing
her house.

Oh, come on. I mean,
what does she know?

She's thousands
of miles away.
Stanley!

Perhaps we ought
to listen to what
the sheriff has to say.

Mrs. Fletcher thinks
you got yourself

a duplicate of
the kitchen door key

that she left
for your mother

so she could get in
and water the plants,

and that
you let yourself in
about 4:30 in the morning.

But why?

He was looking for cash,
Mrs. Lewis,

to pay for
the new motorcycle.

(SCOFFS) Forget it,
I got a bank loan.

I checked.
They turned you down.

So you forged your
mother's signature
on one of her checks,

only her balance
didn't quite cover the nut.

So you had to look for
the rest someplace else.

Like that blue envelope
in Mrs. Fletcher's
kitchen drawer.

It was full of cash
to pay the plumber.

Mrs. Fletcher figures

what probably happened
was Malachi walked in
the open door

and caught you in the act.

And since
you weren't anxious
to have any witnesses,

you went after him.

You forced the old man
into the living room,

where you brained him
with a lamp.

You probably
dropped your key
during the struggle.

When Mrs. Fletcher's nephew
turned on the upstairs light,

you figured you'd better
bug out of there fast.

When we found the key,

we assumed it belonged
to the old sailor.

Except he had
no way of getting one.

But you did.

Sheriff,
do you have any proof?

We found
the blue envelope

in Mrs. Fletcher's
waste basket, Mrs. Lewis.

The lab boys tell us
it's got three sets
of prints on it.

One belongs
to Mrs. Fletcher,

one to Grady's wife,

and we're pretty sure
the third set's gonna
match Stanley's.

That bike is so hot.

I take that thing
out on the road

and really open it up,
you know.

The wind rushing past.

For a minute there,

I can actually
outrun the smell of
those stinking fish.

What can I tell you?

Mrs. Fletcher's
the rightful owner
of this thing.

So you people
are gonna just

have to try to
make a deal with her.

My attorneys are gonna
have one or two things
to say about that, Sheriff.

Oh, yeah?

Well,
they can say them
after Stanley's trial,

because until that's over,

I'm hanging on to
this thing for evidence.

And another thing,

you people ought
to be thankful

that Grady and Donna here
aren't pressing charges.

I still can't figure out
why anybody would wanna
buy one of these.

Oh, my God, sir.

Your incredible clumsiness

has just destroyed
twenty million dollars.

Well, you can add it
to my list.

The wooden base
broke off.

Look.

"Made in Taiwan"?

Grady, it's a fake.

No.
It's impossible.

Nonsense.

Even a nitwit
like Herbert Malachi

wouldn't risk his life
carrying a piece of junk
halfway across the world.

SETH: I don't know if I'd
bet the plantation on that,
Mr. Hunnicut.

Seems to me Mr. Malachi
put this key in the dragon.

And I expect
he's the only one
who'd know what it opened.

See,
it has little numbers
etched into the metal,

some sort of code, I expect,

telling us where
the Szechuan Dragon
might possibly be.

(SHOUTING)

Floyd, stop them.

Now, right, hold it, Sheriff.

That's just the key to
my old fishing tackle box.

Oh, I expect that will
keep them busy for
some years to come.

Don't you?