All language subtitles for Mrs Parker And The Vicious Circle - (1994)

Into love and out again,

Thus i went,
and thus i go.

Spare your voice,
and hold your pen...

Well and bitterly
i know

All the songs
were ever sung,

All the words
were ever said...

Could it be,
when i was young,

Some one dropped me
on my head?

Oh, i'm rather glad
that you caught me like this

Because it gives me
an opportunity

To give you a little talk

On the art of making
motion pictures

In your own home.

Of course, you all know
that you can...

...that you can make
motion pictures

In your own home.

All you need to have
is a home

And a small camera
like this...somewhere.

And quite a lot of film,
as you see.

Oh, well.
Never mind.

With these essentials,

You can take pictures
of any interesting events

That may happen
in your own household,

If any interesting events
ever do happen

In your own household.

And you can make
a record of all trips

And of the progress
of the children

Down the path of life.

And you can also
entertain your friends

Into the bargain.

The other night, we had a party
of friends in for dinner.

After dinner, instead of
going out on the town,

As they say,

Or settling down
for a dull game of bridge...

Cut!

Wonderful.
The rest of this is voice-Over.

Thank you, everyone!
An early lunch today!

Let's be back
in one hour, please.

Try to be back
in one hour.

Bob,
we'll be in the living room after lunch.

How are you
feeling, bob?

I'm fine.
Just hurting inside.

The top one's
a corker.

Look at that.
The higher authority.

If it comes through,

It'll be the first ever
nomination

For a husband-And-Wife
team.

We could be the first
husband-And-Wife team

Ever nominated
for an oscar.

Shit.
Now i'll have to see the picture.

Mr. Selznick should know
by this afternoon.

Bob!

Alan,
how are you?

It's good
to see you.

Oh, mrs. Parker.

Mr. Benchley.

Oh, bob,
you look terrific.

When i dress up,

I still manage to look
like a house detective.

It's the tie.

Listen, you must come up
to roxbury drive.

I'll whip up some tomato curry
with spring lamb.

That will be fine.

Alan enjoys whipping
young lambs.

Darling.

Well, great
to see you, bob.

Darling, i'll prepare them
for our scene.

We did a little fix
for goldwyn.

He told us people want
a happy ending.

Dorothy reminded him
that in all history,

No single person
ever had such a thing.

Goldwyn doesn't know
what she's talking about.

You must tell me
the moment you know.

He can be such
a fawn's ass.

Well, mrs. Parker,
goldwyn.

Mr. Benchley,
out here,

The streets are
paved with goldwyn.

Careful, man.
Stepped in something.

Little art going by.

I'm seeing
don stewart tonight.

We're going to go out
for a hot-Fudge gin.

Donny needs a break

From his leagues
and guilds and soviets.

Union is a five-Letter word,
mr. Benchley.

What do you know
about that?

And i expect
to see you

At the writers'
fund raiser.

Oh, you sent me
that little card.

I couldn't make it out
with the red ink.

On the first.

I promised Gertrude
and the boys

I'd launch the big Benchley
expedition that weekend.

These are not the days

For timid,
selfish little things.

Mrs. Parker,
it's no small affair,

Getting all those people...

Years i've wasted being a
party girl and smartass.

You were a pretty smart
party gi...

Ass.

Ready for you
on the set.

Bit of a party girl
myself.

Visiting hours
are over, mr. Benchley.

Let's do it again
sometime soon, mrs. Parker.

You'll find us
next-Door to caligula.

Oh, does that hurt?

Must have been so colorful
in the twenties.

Was it?
I barely remember.

So many famous writers

Are from the algonquin roundtable,
mrs. Parker.

Ah, but no
real giants.

Just a bunch of
loudmouths showing off,

Writing it up in their
columns the next day.

It's no mermaid tavern,
i promise you that.

Will you get me
a cup of coffee, dear?

They love it,
darling.

They love
our new ending.

Brilliant scene, dottie.
Alan.

Thank you, farleigh.

So, how was bob?

It's so silly.
We're all out here,

And we never
see him.

Alan, mr. Benchley
has sold out to hollywood.

Really?

A perfect happy-Ending
scene, dottie.

Bravo.

How very kind
of you, seymour...

You monumental shit.

Darling, please
don't use that word.

Well, sorry,
you monumental shit.

Alan.

Yes.

Veronica, make
your heart sing!

Just put it
on the floor, dear.

And action!

I came in such a hurry,
my heart is still pounding.

And i thought it was
valentine's day.

I suppose it was colorful.

Cut!

Ahem.

Oh.

Oh, yes.
Delightful.

How are you today,
mr. Crowninshield, sir?

Oh, the mail elf
is here.

Mr. Elf.

Do you have anything
for me in there?

What's with the sign?

Sorry. We're not allowed
to discuss our salaries.

Crownie's posted
a memo.

There's a love letter
from a soldier in there.

A real letter?

No. Another post card.

War must have run him
short on paper.

What's the difference
between the red...

Don't touch that!

"Dear, if you can send
a cake of working soap,

I think i can arrange
to buy this castle. Ed."

Such passion.
I am overwhelmed.

"If i were better paid,

"I might feel happier about
murdering time

"In an overheated theater.

"Indeed, given the state
in which i hobbled home,

"Bruised and beaten
by the mediocrity

Of both author and cast..."

My, our vines do bear
tender grapes...

"I can only guess
that my refusal

"To list their names here

"Is due to a lingering sense
of playground honor.

I'm not going
to tell on them."

Like it, crownie?

I would have liked it
better if it hadn't been...

Another dull thug

From another one of
your prodigious producers.

That had nothing
to do with it.

How silly of me.

Was it a very big advertisement
he was going to take out?

Not that it matters,
but, yes, a quarter page.

Benchley, why didn't you cut
that bit about her salary?

Would that it
were in my power

To alter
mrs. Parker's wages.

Get rid of that ludicrous sign.
Didn't you see my memo?

I'm hungry.
Aren't you?

No. I'm mr. Sherwood.

You inspire
deathless prose.

I think we'd better
feed mrs. Parker

Before she gets
cranky.

Be careful.

You know she bites
the hand that feeds her.

Oh, i do not.
Do i?

Oh, shit.

I thought i was late.

Not so anyone
would notice.

Only three hours.

What are we doing?
May i come in?

It smells like home.

Thank you.

You must be
terribly hot.

No. No.
Not at all.

Oh, dear.
We can't.

Why not?

Don't you want to
feel married again?

I have to be at the
theater in half an hour.

Musical?

No. Ibsen.

Who's he?

You'll like it, idiot.

Gun goes off
in the third act.

So, where is this
mythical husband of yours?

Tonight i rank third
in his affections,

Behind misters
hague and hague.

Please.

I look pitiful
enough.

Oh...

Let's hope the actors don't put
too much glug into their lines.

Eddie!

Eddie, are you hungry?

Eddie.

Eddie, wake up.

Oh, god.

Eddie, wake up.
Wake up.

Kiss me.

Oh, i missed you.

Lady, lady, never speak of
the tears that burn your cheek...

She will never win him,

Whose words had shown
she feared to lose.

Be you wise and never sad,

You will get
your lovely lad.

Never serious be,
nor true,

And your wish
will come to you...

And if that
makes you happy, kid,

You'll be the first
it ever did.

There's the phone.

Young mr. Benchley,
where are you going over there?

Hello.

Hello, Gertrude.
It's dorothy.

Something's come up
with work.

May i speak with
mr. Benchley, please?

Certainly.
One moment.

It's dorothy.

On a sunday.

A sunday.

Mrs. Parker,
what happened?

Crownie fired me.

He took me
out to lunch,

And then
he fired me.

He didn't even have
the nerve to say why.

You and i
both know why.

I've wrecked
my career.

Kindly direct me
to hell.

Take two aspirin,
lightly grilled.

I'll be in
on the next train.

Well...

Don't tell me.

I suppose
she started crying.

They fired her.

She did get
a bit weepy, yes.

And then
the bastard offered me

A satisfactory rate.

What does
that mean?

Exactly.

For a few little pieces
at home.

Like i'm a spoiled virgin

And no one else
would have me.

You're not spoiled.

I'm not?

Just
highly seasoned.

What does that mean, bob?

What were you two doing
when i was overseas?

Nothing, ed,

Which is a lot more
than you weren't doing.

Do you mind?

I'm leaving.

I was expecting a raise,
i really was.

Do you mind?

Yes, all right.
Then i'll stop.

The day will arrive

When they come to me on their
knees and beg me to drum.

There will be three
of you today?

Yes. Only three.

I wonder what
the least expensive item is

On this menu.

The eggs.

Uh, yes, i believe
i'll have the eggs.

Same for me, please.
Loosely scrambled,

Like my brains.

Could i get
a half-Order?

Hello, guppies!

What colossal
trumpery

Is taking place at
vanity fair?

Well, mr. Sherwood
was replaced last week

By the woman who gives
music lessons

To conde nast's daughter.

A woman, i might add,
who's so full of charm,

She's practically
panting with it.

And then mrs. Parker
was fired...

Because, i presume,

Vanity fair is a magazine
of no opinion,

And she has plenty.

And you, Benchley?

We hear your income is
running well into one figure.

Go ahead, Rob.
Tell them.

I trust this is for
publication.

Benchley,
one can't simply repeat rumors.

And do it with
some complexity.

I am resigning from
vanity fair...

There will be
five of you today?

Yes. Only five.

I'm, uh...i'm resigning
from the magazine

Because mrs. Parker's dismissal
was remarkably stupid...

Hello, helen!

And unfair.

Helen hayes.

And if i've learned
anything...

I've allowed them
to seat five in the booth.

I know it's
a little disorderly,

But i think we can keep them
from being disruptive.

Everyone,
ross and i have set

A september date
for the wedding!

Congratulations!

Call me cox.

It's damned
embarrassing.

And i'm keeping
my maiden name.

No goddamn music!

No marching down the
aisles to mendelssohn!

I insist on picking out
the wedding ring

And making
all the arrangements.

It's settled!

We must remodel
that ghastly house

Before i move in.

Aleck,
you left the tub full this morning.

In the hopes
that you might take a bath.

I tell you, that house
reeks of sex.

Aleck, how would
you know?

A childhood bout
of the mumps

Killed the impulse
in me.

Don't apologize.

Celibacy sharpens
the senses.

Is this a dagger
i see before me?

I think this calls for
a cele-Bation.

I may not be able
to vote red,

But i can certainly
drink it.

Where's my bread?

I'm hungry!

Bring them some celery
and some popovers or something.

Mr. Case already
told me, sir.

Well, i knew that.

Are you nervous?
Don't be nervous.

I'll take care
of you.

Your royal highnesses,
i give you marc connelly,

Fact-Finder for
the morning telegraph.

Ah, the chorus girl's
breakfast.

Well, i don't actually write
for the telegraph.

11.

A bald man.

Strange.

It feels just like
my wife's behind.

So it does!

Ha ha ha!

Listen, everyone.

Ross is in the planning stages
of a brand-New weekly.

Something similar to what you're doing now,
ross?

Just what the world
is waiting for,

Another publication for
little old ladies in dubuque.

Don't ask us to be on your advisory board.
It'll ruin our appetites.

Does that mean you're
interested, aleck?

You remind me
a great deal

Of my grandfather's
coachman.

A horse's ass
would know the coachman.

Oh, here's kaufman!

George, over here!

Table for one,
sir?

Everyone,
i'd like you to meet

My assistant at the new york times,
george s. Kaufman.

A jew.

Gesundheit.

Shalom.

I'm no longer
your assistant, aleck.

You haven't converted,
i trust.

No, just promoted.

You look
terrible.

Terrible would be
an improvement.

Harold ross,
american legion weekly.

You shouldn't
touch george.

George doesn't like
to be touched.

How many will there be
for lunch?

There will be
two of everybody!

Mr. Case
won't like this.

Oh, well.
Case closed.

Yes, bob?
You rang?

I...I...I'm afraid
i have...

I am resigning my position
at vanity fair.

Why?

Well, because my job,
if you could call it that,

As managing editor
is no longer attractive

Without the extraordinary
talents of mrs. Parker

And mr. Sherwood.

This is not
a reckless decision.

I'm a careful man,

One who often
wears a belt,

As well as suspenders.

Bravo.
Bravo, bob.

Think of us fondly,
please,

As ships departing
a sinking rat.

Well, make a good
union man.

Ha ha ha!

What was that
all about?

Uh, mr. Woollcott,

Have to remind you,
as of this week,

Drinking alcohol
here is illegal.

Geoplenarian,
i am interested only in things

That are illegal, immoral,
or fattening.

It's wine,
not alcohol.

Ice, please.

Are you all right,
mrs. Parker?

Oh, that man
is a mess.

Kaufman...Oh, i think
he's rather quick.

Is that
what his name is?

Yes.

Oh, i never saw
such a thing.

He's a twitchy fella.

Mr. Benchley, are you
quite sure about this?

Positive, mrs. Parker.

Listen, you can't buy
the kind of advertising

They'll be giving us.

We'll be freelancers.

Oh, my god.

We'll write
only what we like,

Not slave over a hot desk
for people like conde nast.

Have you told
Gertrude?

Pardon.

Is there a pRoblem?

Don't worry
about a thing.

I've set this kind
of fracture before

Without much pain,

But we must get started
immediately.

Mrs. Beemish,
please take a seat.

Does it hurt?

Oh, it's dreadful.

Please don't try
to speak.

I need room to work.

We'll rent an office
together,

Move in,

Cheer each other on.

You can try your dainty
hand at fiction,

And i'll start
my history

Of the queen anne humorists...
Both of them.

Mr. Benchley...

I feel as though you're
proposing marriage.

Many torments lie
in the small circle

Of a wedding ring.

What if
it doesn't work?

Well, we'll just
yearn a living.

First, we need a name
for the office door.

Utica drop forge
and tool company.

Perfect.

Robert Benchley,
president.

Dorothy parker,
president.

Dorothy...

I could kiss you,

But i'm not sure
it would come out right.

You're afraid
you might

Melt the gold
in my teeth.

Huh?

Afraid i might
lose you.

I know
i'm losing eddie.

I couldn't bear
losing you, too.

You'd have to wear a pretty
large hole in your pocket

To lose me,
mrs. Parker.

The eggs
are getting cold.

Ah.

Much better.

Have to be comfortable
when i sit down to write,

Because that's where
i shine.

Park bench.

Mm-Hmm.

May i tell her
who's calling?

Does the cent sign
go before or after?

After.

This is mr. Nichols.

Wants to know
where your story is.

Oh.

Tell him something,
will you?

I'm afraid mrs. Parker's had
some sort of an attack.

They're in the process now
of freezing her appendix.

The doctor thinks
we may get it

To listen to reason
this way.

Yeah. All right.
Certainly.

Good-Bye.

Has to be in
by tomorrow.

Oh. Shit.

I may die before a train of
thought leaves the station.

Me, too.

Let's change places.

All right.

Hmm...well.
Pardon me.

Excuse me.

We'd build a little bungalow,
if you and i were one,

And carefully we'd plan it
so we'd get the morning sun.

I'd rise each day
at rosy dawn

And bustle gaily down.

In evening's cool,
you'd spray the lawn

When you come back
from town.

If you and i were one,
my dear,

A model life we'd lead.

We'd travel on
from year to year,

At no increase of speed.

Ah, clear to me
the vision of the things

That we should do.

And so i think it best,
my love,

To string along as two.

Here, dear?

Oh, to the right.

Oh, how do you do?
I'm neyso mcmain.

I'm your neighbor.

Would you like
a drink?

Sworn off.
Thank you.

Oh, well, if you should
ever want to come by,

My door is open,
day and night.

Hotel algonquin.
Please hold.

O'neill's won
the pulitzer, aleck!

Hey, john.
How are you?

Hello, mr. Woollcott.
How you doing?

You know everyone.
Everyone, will.

Mr. Benchley.

How do you do?
Robert Benchley.

Will rogers.

Nice to meet you,
miss parker.

I never liked a man
i didn't meet.

Thank you, i guess.

So, aleck, will rogers
for president.

What do you think?

Get out of here.

Now that women
have the vote,

What do you think,
ladies?

It is a lovely hat.

It's the hat that gets
you in the white house.

This must be
the smallest table

In the biggest city
on the planet here.

You folks got sore knees
under there?

We need a ouija board.
We'd divine the future.

Future looks
pretty divine to me.

Georges, tell mr. Case
i've had a great idea.

He might not
believe it, sir.

If ziegfeld changed the name
of the show...

I'm sorry.
What did you say?

Wisdom, every word.

Serge.

Ross, use the word "dog"
in a sentence.

We'll give you time.

Get her a drink.

Would you
like a drink?

Please, come.

Well, neyso, i think

If you loiter in your
studio long enough,

The whole world will
drift in and out.

That's the point.

Sour trumpet
at the end

Of a third-Rate
marching band.

Round of cards?
I'll get the girls.

The girls?

Poker.
Yes, i'd love to.

You're a celebrity,
george, face it.

Right.
A temporary one.

There's not
another kind.

My point exactly.

Come on, don.
Ardent fidelity.

That's
the first thing

That springs
to your mind

When you think
of mrs. Parker.

Well, it's not
the first thing,

But gradually, i work
my way back around.

let's take a walk
through here.

I'll show you some
of miss mcmain's

Extraordinarily
useless object d'art.

Your apartment
is just lovely.

You think?
It's that slavic architecture.

It's just like
a dormitory here.

Oh, ho.

Just like
a dormitory here.

I was
just saying,

The par...Well,
here they are now.

The parkers live just
across the hall.

That's why...

It's kind of you letting
Robert sleep over

When he
works late.

Sometimes
i think

You see more of
him than i do.

I'm always
very modest.

You know that,
Gertrude.

It must
be wonderful

To never have babies
waking you up.

They don't allow
babies in dormitories.

not that there's anything
wrong with babies.

If there were,
Gertrude,

You'd be arrested
by now.

ha ha! Well...

I'm sorry. I...
i didn't understand.

For being so good
with them.

Thank you.

and you are good
with them, god knows.

They worship her.

I don't think
they know who i am.

Aren't you and eddie
anxious

To start a family
of your own?

Oh, good...
heavens no.

My mother was 42
when i was born.

Of course, then
she promptly went

And died on me,

So maybe waiting
isn't such a good idea.

Reminds me,
i need another drink.

Anybody?

Uh, no. No.

You know, my mother
was 34 when she had me,

But then again,
she had the good graces

To wait until i was 12
before she passed away.

she was always
the politest of women.

oh, well, here's
a lovely picture...

Benchley
and his two wives.

Not nice, aleck.

Oh, come on, sherry.

Don't say it's
an intellectual relationship.

What does
that mean?

Yes,
what does that mean?

In their minds,
they "mmm" like bunnies.

Oh, mr. Benchley.

How's eddie doing?
He seems all right.

Well, i think he's
off the morphine, anyway.

Now he wants to move
back to hartford

To be near his family.

I don't know.

Maybe it'll be easier
for him there.

At least they know
how to keep house.

Wifely chores can be
lethal, mr. Benchley.

Only if done
properly.

You're much too hard on yourself,
mrs. Parker.

A little garbage
gives a house

That lived-In
feeling.

Robert.

Pull a bed sheet
over it or something.

The coward's way out?

Robert.

Excuse me, please.
I must find the ladies room.

It's just to the left here.
Right...

Right around
the corner there.

Do you know where
the ladies room is?

Here, take
one of mine.

No, i don't drink.

All right.
It's just in the back.

Oh, uh, you've, uh,
forgotten your, uh...

Soul, as usual.

If our mrs. Parker
used her body

The way she uses
her mouth...

Dottie,
20 questions.

I'm thinking
of a person.

I'm so happy
for you, ross.

Would he be
the kind of man

To put the wings
back on flies?

I know nothing
about entomology.

Compassion, not bugs.
Right?

Who's that sitting
with deems taylor?

Mary kennedy.

She's consoling him
through his divorce.

But if i were you,

I would be paying more
attention to my own flanks

Than to his
at the moment.

Paula, i see you've met
my little husband.

Oh! So this
is eddie.

Hmm.

Well, how's
your arm, dear?

My arm?

Why, yes.
Dottie said you broke it

Sharpening
a pencil?

Did she?
Excuse me.

You did say that,
didn't you, dot?

Paula, your slip
is showing.

It's on purpose,
dear.

Hmm.

How like your acting
that is.

Excuse me.

Ha ha ha.

Ah, hello, frank.

Take care of
your body, paula,

Because
when it goes,

You'll have
nothing left.

Shouldn't you
leave some

For the other
guests, eddie?

I have to exercise my arm

After all those weeks
in a cast, dear.

I never said
such a thing.

Sure, you did.

They know better than
to expect anything from me,

Thanks to you.

You don't want
to become

The town drunk,
eddie,

Not
in manhattan.

You know,
i think that you

Ought to drink
more, dear.

Then maybe you could
stop nagging me.

I may be a dimwit
and a lousy drunk, dear,

But you
and your friends...

Eddie.

Oh!

It's o.K. It's o.K.
It's o.K.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I...

I didn't know
what to do,

So i...i just
held my breath.

Are...Are you
all right?

I'm just so grateful
Robert doesn't drink.

His uncle did,
you know,

So he's seen
the damage done.

Do you really
like that?

Not much.

But it's better than
a sock in the eye.

Ha ha ha!

So anyway, i asked him
if he'd ever read

Edna ferber's new book.

It's a very full book.

Full of what,
ross?

Full of
not being edited.

And this from
the editor

Of american legion
magazine, mind you.

You could do

With a little trimming yourself,
my dumpling.

So it's thin,
thinning,

Or needs thinning.

Three words aleck
has never heard of.

That's almost
a subjective completion.

What ross means is that
stories flow easily

From edna's
fingertips.

i understand
she fairly whistles

At her typewriter.

And there was that poor
sucker flaubert

Rolling around
on the floor for days,

Looking for just
the right words.

well, dottie, i do
love your pieces,

And when ross launches
his new magazine,

You'll have to be
part of it.

No other woman
writes like you do.

Who would
want to?

Listen, i read
your new piece

In the smart set

Over and over
again, dottie.

It was wonderful.

How sweet, ross.

Didn't he understand
it the first time?

Alan, dust off your tutu.
It's official.

We've rented
the 49th street theater

For sunday, april 30th.

Bravo!
Hey!

As our treasurer, i feel
compelled to ask...

How much?

I made
a great deal.

They gave us the sleeves
off their vests.

Kaufman should have
negotiated.

He's
the christ killer.

One more slur
upon my race, aleck,

And i'm walking away
from this table,

Out of the dining room,
and away from this hotel.

I trust that mrs. Parker

Will walk out with me
halfway?

Raoul fleischmann
was 14

Before he realized
he was a jew.

I was 16 before
i realized i was a boy.

What convinced you?

Gravity.

Sex laws
of a newton.

Mmm. Chemin de fer.

Mirabile
dictum.

Oh!
Oh!

What on earth
are they talking about?

And don't tell me
you understand.

Too much for
your precious ears.

Why,
speaking of stage-Struck jewish nuns,

Here's edna!

You almost look like
a man today, edna.

So do you, aleck.

Madam ferber's so
diligent in her duties,

I'm surprised
she's deigned to join us.

Well, coffee and sandwiches
aren't my usual,

But don't make me out
a dullard to your friends.

I always say, "there's
no good sauce for play

Like hard work."

Please, sit down.

Bite your tongue,
mistress,

Before our mrs. Parker
does it for you.

Ah, the two of you split

Without having written
a flop yet, hey, marc?

That'll be
the day.

Oh, flops...
These days, they're just a play

Where no one wears
evening clothes.

An edna ferberating statement
if ever i've heard one.

Oh, that couldn't be
ferber from the truth.

You know
what i admire?

An artist who's
got enough brio

To embrace
main street.

Though the range
of his works

May be from
bad to horrible?

I think far
too wide a stretch

Is made of
the word "artist,"

Because
i don't think

That word is
elastic.

If i did, i'd be
better company.

Well, i think

You're wonderful
company, mrs. Parker.

Homemade fudge,
anyone?

Edna, uh...

I love your fudge,
george.

Who's the actual
producer

Of no good ring?

my little dream princess,

I will plan, cast, and polish
the entire revue

With my usual
revolutionary taste.

The devil you will.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Tonight, 12 rounds
in 3 acts

Of unregulated
artistic impulse.

In the well-Lit
corner,

The vicious circle

Of the hotel
algonquin.

Algonquin.

And in the darkened
corner,

Well, the sort
of thing

One usually finds in
a darkened corner.

Tonight,
the no-Walkout rule

Will be in effect,

And our judges
this evening

Will be your trampled
sensitivities.

We shall be quite vulgar
and unduly exhibitionist,

Chief characteristic
distinguishing man from beast,

And so now, as usual,
we'll shoot ourselves.

* we got the blues

* we believe we said before
we got the blues *

* they're little flappers,
never growin' up *

* and they've all been flappin'
since belasco was a pup *

* we got the blues

* they've got the blues

* we got the blues...

Didn't know
you played.

Yes. That was
my execution.

* we got the blues

* i'm an ingenue,
and i've got the blues *

* as everyone
can plainly see *

* it's 'cause an ingenue
must promise to *

* imprison
her virginity *

* i check my maidenhead
in my producer's bed *

* oh, gosh, i guess
the joke's on me *

* we got the blues...

They're extremely depressed,

And there's nothing
that i can do about it.

Ah, the prodigal bum
has returned.

How's it going?

Why are you
writing numbers?

Mmm. My report.

Report? What about
the sketch, man?

Your sketch.

Sketch?

Your sketch.
You're next. You're on.

You wanted an account
of the finances.

That's what connelly
told me.

Don't point the scinger
of forn at me, Benchley.

Dorothy...

If you want to drink,
ruin your life...

Share this.

Your friend's in need
of inspiration.

Liquor makes people
behave unlike themselves.

Why would you
want people

To behave
like themselves?

Well,
in your case, i...

Ahem.

It's like
a train station.

Don't look at me

In that tone of voice,
mr. Benchley.

May i see that,
please?

Thank you.

Oh, it's
my uncle albert.

That's exactly
how he smelled.

What's
it taste like?

Like it smells.

Now, give it here.

I won't be the cause
of your corruption.

My corruption?

Two minutes,
you're on.

Come along and hold me up,
mrs. Parker.

* never growing up

* and we've all been flapping
since belasco was a pup *

* we got the blues

They've got
the blues.

* we got the blues...

Too bad eddie
didn't stick around.

He likes leg
and fanny numbers.

He went back
to hartford?

And it was all
going so well.

*...blues *

* copeland and connelly,
connelly and copeland *

* the playwrights
of the prairie *

Hey, girls, how'd you like
to be in a show?

Yeah!
Yeah!

All right, let's go back
to the dressing room

And, uh, talk.

What's funny
is a laugh

Wrapped inside a fact.
That's funny.

That's funny.

That would
be some of

Our mrs. Parker's
unprintable verse.

Come on. Come on.

You're in a broadway
theater now.

Behave yourself.

Careful, please!

Oh, careful
of the tomatoes.

Wonderful!
Wonderful!

New careers
for everyone.

Very nice.

It's an obsession
with women's clothing.

Oh, you look wonderful.

Jane, listen,
i can't go to this party.

Please,
can we not go?

Get out of my way,
ross.

I'm here with
someone with talent.

Oh!

Thank you, mr. Sherwood
and your lovely companions.

Certainly, "he who gets flapped"

Loses nothing in its translation
from the original russian.

And now,

It is with a great sense
of mystery that i...

Try to pay attention,
mrs. Parker.

Don't break a leg.

Mr. Robert Benchley...

I'll enter
from the trenches.

And his report.

I shall, uh,

Take but a very few moments
of your time this evening.

I realize
that you'd much rather

Be listening to
this interesting entertainment

Than to a dry
financial report.

Ahem.

But, uh, i am reminded
of a story

Which you have pRobably,
all of you, heard.

Uh, it seems that there were
these two irishmen

Walking down the street,

But when they came up...
They came to a...

Oh, i should have said that
in the first place,

That the store belonging to
the irish...The first irishman...

The first fella's store...

Uh, well, anyway...

The, uh, parrot...

Now, in connection
with reading this report,

There are one or two points

Dr. Murnie wanted brought up
in connection with it,

And he has asked me
to bring them up in...

To bring them up.

The first is in regard

To the work that
we are trying to do

At our little place
at silver lake...

A work that we feel

Not only fills
a very definite need

In the community,

But also fills
a very definite need...

In the community.

Ahem.

Uh, the...i don't think

Many of our members
of our society

Realize just how big
the work is

We're trying to do
up there.

For instance,
i don't think it's generally known

That most
of our boys

Are between
the age of 14.

Uh, we feel that by taking
the boy at this age,

We can get closer
to his real nature,

And a boy has
a very real nature,

You may be sure.

Dottie, i'd like you
to meet

My new discovery...
Baby vomit.

Beware,
her lacy sleeve

Has a bottle
of vitriol

Concealed
in its folds.

Get a load
of this guy.

Blows into tony's

Like something cut loose
from the macy's day parade,

Brings me here to meet
one of my favorite writers,

Forgets my name.

Well, it's charles.
Charlie.

Charlie macarthur.

Pleased to meet you,
mr. Vomit.

charlie's new
at the american.

Very amusing fellow
from chicago

With theatrical
ambitions.

I thought i'd
lay him at your feet

Like the faithful
retriever i am.

Bad dog, aleck.

I heard your husband
might be away.

Well, his wife's
in chicago.

Do you meddle in all your friends'
sex lives

Just because
they have them?

I knew
you'd be pleased.

Now, it seems to me
that the people who criti...

Why, criticize, that, uh...

The, uh, the people who...

Why, as a matter of fact,

It was done just as, uh,
economically as...

As is possible.

Even more so.

Mr. Rossiter, uh,
unfortunately,

Our treasurer...

Uh...

Mr. Rossiter, our treasurer,

Unfortunately is confined
to his home

With a bad head cold,

And, uh, i, uh...

Excuse me.

Ahem.

Oh.

Well...

The joke seems to be
on me.

Mr. Rossiter has pneumonia.

Who is this guy?

Robert Benchley,
life magazine.

That's Benchley,
the drama critic?

Mm-Hmm.
A saint.

A saint,
no less.

Well, it's
a good thing

He's so goddamn
funny.

Yes, it is.
It's a goddamn good thing.

Aleck.

What, ruth?

We're next.

Don't worry.
Calm down, ruth.

The treasurer's,
uh, report.

He was the best
thing in the show,

So into my column
he goes.

Robert is a writer,
not an actor.

Besides, he would never
have time for performing,

What with myself,
the boys, and his job.

As it is,
he's got to be careful

He doesn't work himself
into the ground.

I've seen it happen
before, Gertrude.

Never underestimate
the power of applause.

Marc, from one's self
expect applause.

He noblest lives
and noblest dies...

Help me.
Help me, mrs. Parker.

Well, irving berlin
and sam harris...

Right behind you,
directly behind you...

Want me
and the treasurer's report

To be in their next revue.

Oh, how do you do?

Uh, ahem.
It seems that, well, i...I...I...

I...I...I...

I couldn't justify
a critic like myself being...

Well, having a paid job
on stage...

But i didn't want to offend them
and say no,

So i asked for $500,
and i thought they'd just laugh,

And the next thing i know,

Harris is gleaming at me
with those...

And saying, "for $500,
you better be awfully good."

I'm a bit flustered.
I guess we'll see what happens.

Congratulations.
I'm charles macarthur.

How do you do?
I'm Robert Benchley.

I'm so sorry.

Excuse me. I have to
tell my wife.

Excuse me, Gertrude.

Would you
like a drink

Before
kissing me?

Yes.

If i don't drive
around the park,

I'm pretty sure
to make my mark.

If i'm in bed
each night by 10:00,

I may get back
my looks again.

If i abstain
from fun and such,

I'll pRobably
amount to much,

But i shall stay
the way i am,

Because i do not
give a damn.

Tim and i
a-Hunting went,

Spied three women
in a tent.

They being three,
we being two,

I bucked one,
and tim bucked two.

Oh, here's
bobby's station.

One man's descent
into hell,

Where we're all
waiting for you.

Say hello
to my father,

Will you, Rob?

If i can find him.

This place
ought to be closed

By law.

Ha ha ha!

And thank you.

That's what
i thought you'd say.

Rob, how do you
feel?

How do i feel? I...

I must say, i...
feel like an angel.

Ha ha!

Some friendly
advice, Benchley.

The best way
to avoid a hangover

Is to stay drunk.

How does a
sophisticated gentleman

Know when he's drunk?

When he can't pronounce
sophisticated anymore.

Isn't she adorable?

She's delirious.

That's why
she's adorable.

Well, to get back to me,

I was wondering how
it could have been

So awful
drinking with eddie

And so much fun

Drinking
with all of you.

Is that
a loaded question?

Because you're
married to him.

Might be more fun

Sleeping with
somebody else, too.

Ahem.

Oh, dear, dear,

Is the, um, subject
in danger of turning to sex?

no more than usual.

Because we wouldn't
want charlie here

To think that's all
we ever talk about.

Don't look now, toots,

But no matter how much
you talk about sex,

You never know how
the other fellow does it.

Why would you
want to know that?

Well, you would know

If you were
an experienced woman,

But of course, it would be
bad manners to tell,

Now, wouldn't it?

Cops are here.
Everybody speak easy.

Through
the kitchen.

This way.

all right, everybody.

Settle down.

We're going to take
a little ride.

One at a time.
Come on.

You're coming with us
this evening.

nice faces.

Lovely hats,
too.

Put your drink
away!

ha ha! This is
wonderful!

Oh, shit! I left
my purse inside.

That's all right.
They'll return it...

Federal good manners
act and all.

Wait here.
I excel at this.

What?

Press. The american.
Mind if i take a look?

This fella conks me
on the head,

And thus goes
my heart.

Ah, love
conks her all.

He's wild and mad
and fleet.

I may have him
mounted.

Yes, one would
assume.

Philip.

Here we are.

Taxi.

i'm engaged.

he's engaged.

you are? Then be happy.
Congratulations.

lousy new yorker.
Lousy goddamn...

gentlemen! Would you
strike this man?

want to do something
about it, pip-Squeak?

New york
will be deprived

Of its annual gilbert
and sullivan revival,

I think.

the hell with him.
Let's walk.

Nice meeting you,
however.

I love the rain.

My place is
closest, sister.

Just missed
my last train.

I guess
i'm coming, too.

I'm a late
sleeper.

I'll be sure
to boil my eggs gently

And not scrape
my toast.

Hello. Excuse me.

Hey, wait, there.
47th and 7th, please.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

hello.

Oh.

Hello.

Thank you
for the Robe.

Cheers.

My apartment
is shamefully undeveloped

Compared to yours.

Ah, well, a friend
helped me

Fix up the place.

I should say
a few friends.

Oh, do you enjoy
swinburne?

Look...before you start
analyzing my books,

There's something
i should clear up.

You didn't pick
them out, either.

I lied
when i told you

You were one
of my favorite writers.

And i lied
when i smiled.

It's just that i've read
more about you...

What dorothy parker
thinks of this or that...

Than your actual writing.

Not counting the fluff,
of course.

Fluff pays the rent.

Yeah, but if i were you,
i'd be worried.

Oh, how dare you?

How dare you?

Come.

What?

Come here.

What, i'm
supposed to worry

Because a self-Confessed
liar and sycophant

Whose place
looks like it's been

Decorated
by the junior league

Tells me to?

That's right.

I'm not going
in there.

Why?

Because i've read
my share.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, did you know
that i sold a short story

That took months
to write?

That's, um...

Fiction,
for your information.

My low brow is not
congenital, dot.

I saw it.

About a henpecked husband
living in the suburbs...

Seemed a lot like
Benchley.

Now, don't be mad.

Dream bigger.

Like you?

Yeah, like me.

And you're going to
help, i suppose.

Sure.
Whatever you want.

It could be...

One of
the very best.

I think you'd want
to find out.

This must be some sort
of sophisticated

Midwestern
farm-Boy routine.

Uh...what's my line?

You want to hitch up
a mule...

For a little person,
you talk an awful lot.

...and plow
my fertile fields?

No, but i'm glad
you're by the book.

I felt we were
pretty good together

For the first time.

I guess adultery
takes practice.

Double adultery
cancels itself out.

Questionable logic,

But i like
the theory.

What does your wife
think about it?

Ah...don't worry
about her.

We're clean.

Mmm.

How can you wake up
so beautiful?

Oh, charlie.

I'm going to wear
my heart on my sleeve

Like a wet, red stain.

A runaway train
colliding.

You knew it was dangerous
when you introduced them.

Cupid is judged on precision,
not perils.

Don't look now, toots,

But this is the one
she's been waiting for.

Oh, it's a little
something for woodrow.

We're engaged,
everybody.

Dorothy's dog
and i.

Sit.

Keep it down,
everybody.

...the bombs exploding
all around me.

I was overcome
with a...

A powerful feeling
of optimism.

So i said to myself,

"Macarthur, this is
the lowest point in your life.

From here on, everything
will be an improvement."

Get more.

Queen's bet.

I don't know how wonderful
they are together.

They're
an ideal couple.

Macarthur's got a terrific
head on his shoulders.

Yeah,
and a different one each night.

I remind you,
there are two sides to mistress dorothy.

Offensive
and defensive.

our founder.

If a man
pursued her,

She wouldn't
be interested.

Let that man pursue
another woman,

She'll fall deliriously
in love with him.

With claws flashing
and tears falling.

She's available,

But she's the goddamndest
fortress at the same time.

Yeah, a fortress
of cards.

our founder.

She really knows
how to suffer.

The greatest little
runner-Downer there ever was.

Dottie can't be
suffering

And still say all
those funny things.

* there wasn't a soul
to greet me there *

* a lone stranger
on your shore *

* but irish luck
was with me there *

* and wishes came
galore *

Happy birthday,
dottie.

Happy birthday,
dot.

Don't you think 29's
dangerously ripe, darling?

Nah.

Just how i like 'em.

The tide's out.
The table's set.

Everybody
like clams?

Mmm.

Come on, marc.

Can't we just
whistle for them?

They don't have ears.

Grab that.

Dottie.

Oh.

Thank god.
Nobody saw.

Oh.

I can't even get
morning sickness

When you're
supposed to.

Are you sure?

Dottie.

Oh, neyso, i wish
the lord i weren't.

In april,

My one love came along,

And i ran the slope
of my high hill

To follow
a thread of song.

His eyes were hard
as porphyry

With looking
on cruel lands.

His voice
went slipping over me

Like terrible silver hands.

In april,

My love went whistling by,

And i stumbled here
to my high hill

Along the way of a lie.

Now what should i do
in this place

But sit
and count the chimes,

And splash cold water
on my face

And spoil a page
with rhymes?

Aw. What happened?

Did you fall asleep?

I went two hours
in the theater

Imagining you were
dead somewhere.

Oh, jesus christ, dot.
I'm sorry.

Ah, don't be.
It was more entertaining

Than the play
i was watching.

I'll...i'll just
get dressed.

I gave up on the whole
thing quite early

And spent most of the
evening on the floor

As a member of a
volunteer search party

To aid the lady
on my left

In retrieving
a missing rubber.

Oh, i left my lipstick
here yesterday.

you know, it must be
just as hard

To get that look right
in life

As it is onstage.

Well, someone
has to leave.

If you ask me,

It ought to be
the someone

Who already has
their clothes on,

But then...

You're the writers.

I'm just an actress.

Dorothy,
cut the theatrics.

We're both
still married.

We're in
no position to...

Look, you know
my situation.

And you know mine
while you're up.

I said i'd help take care of it,
and i meant it.

Here's your lipstick.

Does the gangplank
need painting?

Dorothy...

You know i adore you,

But i'm not going to
make any excuses.

Oh, no.
Goodness, no.

It's all my fault.
Really, it is.

Well, i wish
i didn't have to go,

And let's hope i
won't be rushing back

As fast as my little
legs can carry me.

I can't tell you

How much i'll...
miss you.

Just drive, please.

Where is he?

Did he telephone?

Why am i so cold?

It's the anesthesia.

We had to
give you extra.

You must have been
further along

Than you told
the doctor.

Your hangover is going

Straight to the smithsonian,
mrs. Parker.

Once it kills me and becomes famous,
you mean.

Jesus.
Don't say that.

You know, there's a lesson
for all of us in this.

What's that,
sherry?

Well,
i don't know.

Good night,
everyone.

Yes, well,
it's getting to be that time,

Isn't it?

Coming, dot?

Time does flit.

Oh, shit.

Good night.

Damn it. My watch
has stopped.

Oh?

You wound it
too tightly.

Perhaps it is in need
of lubrication.

Let's go wild
tonight!

There's plenty of
time to do nothing

Once you're
dead.

Please don't use
that word.

What do you say,
mr. Benchley?

You want to go
wild tonight?

Thank you.

Mr. Benchley.

Mr. Benchley?

Fred!

Hmm?

Oh, perhaps i should
see you home, mrs. P.

We can recite crossing
the bar along the way.

What do you think?

I can't sleep
worth sour apples.

I keep seeing
these little...

Hands and feet...

And a head full
of curly hair,

Just like charlie's.

God is standing
over me

In a doctor's
jacket...

Shaking his long,
rubber-Gloved finger.

That's very phallic.
Don't you think?

But i...I...
can't understand

What god is saying

Because he's got a
mask over his face.

Isn't that
just like him?

Oh, you poor,
hungry thing.

All right.

Up we go.

Ooh.

Look, woodrow.

It's raining.

We want the rain...

The wanton rain.

Ooh.

Oh, you're simply all...

Worn-Out, aren't you?

Just...

Hungry and worn-Out.

Well...

We don't want
to have a breakdown.

Got to keep you healthy.

Hmm?

There you are.

Mmm.

There you go, darling.

A nice dinner for you.

Oh, hello, johnny.
It's mrs. Parker.

Yes, i'll be needing you
to deliver up some dinner

Before theater
tonight, dear.

Oh, whatever's
the special...

And a large pot
of coffee.

Thank you.

Oh.

All right.

Tragedies don't
kill us, woodrow.

Messes kill us.

I can't stand
messes.

Oh, where's
the fucking aspirin?

The sun's gone dim,

And the moon's turned
black,

For i loved him,
and he didn't love back.

you were a mess
lying there...

Bleeding
and drooling.

You were pathetic...

And disgusting.

Is that all?

I only know
15 adjectives.

You don't have to tie double knots,
mr. Benchley.

These are not
your son's oxfords.

Do you still
love me, fred?

Of course i do,
mrs. Parker.

But you think
i'm a kill-Joy.

No, i don't,

But if you don't eat
more solid foods

And stay away
from razor blades,

You could arouse
that suspicion in others.

I hear mice.

Shall i
discourage them?

Do i look...
all right?

Now you do.

Come in.

well...

Aside from f.P.A.,
Who withers easily,

It seems as though
all your friends

Are here,
mrs. Parker.

Yes...

And paula, too.

It must be rough now
that Benchley and charlie

Are such good
friends, huh?

It's not so bad.

I just let him
ignore me.

You know,
people still think

He's banging me
every night,

And sometimes i wish
to god he were.

But only sometimes.

You know, he sent me
$30 for the operation.

Judas making a refund.

Oh, for christ's sake.

there you are.

Fred, how long
do you think

We can keep
this thing up?

Keep what up?

You performing
six nights a week

And me covering
first acts.

We need the money,
mrs. Parker.

You only need enough money
to keep body and soul apart.

Shh. Remember,
mrs. Parker,

Speak easy.

Open up.

This is a raid.

Oh, god.

Please, mrs. Parker.

You're running
a fever, fred.

People will think i
beat you in private.

You're running it
ragged.

PRobably how i managed
to get so much done

And still look
so dissipated.

I'll bet you haven't
eaten a thing all day.

Au contraire.
I found a little french place,

Completely
without charm.

One brown and one clear,
please.

Oh, for crying
out loud, fred.

The last thing
you need is that.

what?

What? What about
your family?

Who?

I forbid you.

May i remind you,
mrs. P.,

That i'm not a fictional
creation of hers.

What could you possibly say
to a thing like that?

"Did you go to the circus
this year?"

Oh, no, no. Better.

"When do your tonsils
come out?"

How about
"your regal presence at the bar

Has inspired my soul
to an upheaval"?

Hmm?
That's the source of all great literature...

An upheaved soul.

I, uh...have
a question to ask.

Mm-Hmm.

A serious one.

Anything.

Why do you think...

That we...

Yes?

You and i...

That would be "we,"
yeah.

Have never
misbehaved?

I'm referring
to what we don't do

In spite of everything.

What we don't do,
hmm.

Mrs. Parker, really.

Tell me.

Now.

Well...ahem.

I suppose we respect
each other too much.

Ah. We don't respect
anyone.

Well, mrs. Parker,
suppose it didn't work.

Suppose it did.

No. No, no.

It's a lot easier
to take disappointment

When you're young

Or dumb or don't
expect much,

But we're old
and smart.

Don't bat those
ingenue eyes at me.

You know what
i'm talking about.

That's the trouble.
You know entirely too much.

Oh, gee,
and i was thinking

I must not
know enough,

Because the things
i want most

I can't seem to get.

That's because you've
forgotten how to have fun.

Oh, really?

Fun?

I'll show you
some fun.

What are you doing?

Yes, you.

What are you doing?

You looked in need
of rescue, dear.

What's your name?

Joanie.

Sit down, joanie.

Joanie Gerard.

How do you do?
I'm Robert.

Are you an actress,
joanie Gerard?

I'm a western
union girl.

Yeah. Oh.

But i want to be
an actress.

Oh, you dear,
brave soul.

You're in luck.

Freddy is a talent scout,
aren't you, fred?

Really?

Oh, well,
after a fashion.

And this is
mrs. Parker,

My good friend
and favorite living writer.

But not much fun.

You're a real,
living writer?

Currently on leave.

Jeez,
i feel like

I ought to drop a
curtsy or something.

Her curtsy, your pants,
my teeth.

Ha ha!
All right.

So...
what do you say?

Shall we go wild
tonight?

Yeah, fred.
What do you say?

You want
to go wild?

I could outline
several opera plots

I've been working on.

Oh!

Oh,
forget him, dear.

I've just been released

From our lady
of malpractice,

And i want
to go wild.

How do i learn how?

Aah!
Aah!

Uh! Uh!

Oh! Oh!

Uh! Uh!

artists...that's why
we invite them.

Ha ha!

Bravo, george.

Bravo!

mind us, you cretins!

Well played!

That wasn't
very sporting.

Well...

Do we have a game?

I'll sing an opera.

You gentlemen see
if you can name it.

All right.

Here we go.

I would say that is,
uh...joe green.

Yes. It's definitely
joe green.

Giuseppe verdi.

Don't look now, toots,

But unmarried yale barristers
have been spotted

Cavorting
on the south lawn.

Oh, a girl can
get splinters

Sliding down
a barrister.

What else?

What about our athletic friend
down there?

He's built like a horse.

Always
so optimistic.

Well,
he keeps waving his mallet in my direction.

It must
mean something.

What are you doing?

This isn't polo,
you cretin.

Descend from your perch,
my little mourning dove,

And show this neomalthusian
how it's done.

Mind if
i join you?

You must be picking
wallflowers, scott.

Well, sherry,
i read your latest short story...

"Extra, extra."

It was as fine a bit of
writing i've ever read...

Short, lean,
acid, so good.

This is a magazine
of the city.

A smart magazine.

And not for the little
old lady in dubuque.

You have a title?

* ba ba ba ba-Da

* ba ba ba ba-Da
ba ba-Da ba ba-Da *

What's in a name?

A name is simply
a name.

It's who you know,
darling.

It's who you know.

Most
of our friends

Will be
contributing.

Dorothy parker,
for one.

George kaufman.

F.P.A.

Bob Benchley.

They're all devoted
to the idea.

So, we're...

George, come here!

Is he through
that wicket?

Wicket's
crooked, marc.

Ha!

You cheat.

Whose ball
is this?

That's edna's.

Oh,
for god's sake!

What do you
want to do, huh?

I've always wanted
to write a novel

Or a play.

How old are you?

28.

Don't let
the time pass.

If you want to write something,
you write it.

Don't turn 40
wishing you had.

Aah!

Why is harpo
the only one of us

Who enjoys performing
like a seal?

Please
don't answer that.

It's a magazine
for a man

Who knows his way
around the city.

Yes. A man
not unlike myself.

What's this magazine
about, ross...

Shipping news?

It's a magazine
about new york

For people
with manners.

Yeah.
M-Manners.

Well, if it's
about new york,

Why not call it
the new yorker?

Now, that's
brilliant.

Hello.

I hope you like
to gamble, dorothy,

Because i
just made a bet

That i can
make you smile.

Oh, i hate to see
anyone lose money.

It's so hard
to find.

Don't go away.

I must eat something
before i pass out.

Attention,
everyone.

Maybe dorothy
would consent

To recite one of her
little things for us.

Well, maybe i'll just
digest my little supper

And sing for it later.

Oh, please,
dorothy.

Something bilious
for dessert.

No. Something bubbly,
mrs. Parker.

Something
bubbly bilious.

Double bubbly,
but don't bill us.

Ha ha ha ha!

One more drink,

And i'll be
under the host.

Oh, please,
mrs. Parker.

Do honor us

With one of your
darling little poems.

Resume.

Razors pain you.

Rivers are damp.

Acids stain you,

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful.

Nooses give.

Gas smells awful.

You might as well live.

Another
cheerful poem.

Bravo!

What
a fascinating woman.

Nice going.

Dorothy!

So,
is it true that you live in a rathole?

Oh, i like
my apartment.

It's just big enough
to lay my hat

And a few friends.

Did you know my family's
in bird sanctuaries?

It's true.

Rather interesting.

Let's say i buy
a peacock for $5.00,

Throw it up
in a tree,

And then charge, oh,
any tom, dick, and harry

$2.00 apiece
just to...

Oh, don't worry,
uh...roger.

I don't review
rehearsals.

Oh, god.

Her mind lives
in a quiet room,

A narrow room,
and tall,

With pretty lamps
to quench the gloom

And mottoes on the wall.

There all the things
are wax and neat

And set
in decorous lines,

And there are posies,
round and sweet,

And little,
straightened vines.

Her mind lives tidily,
apart from cold

And noise

And pain,

And bolts the door
against her heart,

Out wailing
in the rain.

I think i was born
to live in a hotel.

It helps me concentrate

Knowing i can
just sign for things

Whenever i need them.

Yes, it's wonderful.

But, of course,
the bill always comes through

At the end
of the month.

I trust that won't
be a pRoblem.

Scout's honor.

Well,
i think this hotel's always been very lucky

For writers,
mrs. Parker.

For example,

Do you have any idea how
many important plays

Have been
written here?

Well, well.
How fortunate.

I'm working
on a play.

And if you're right,

We won't
have to worry

About the rent,
now, will we?

I wouldn't go away
from you for anything!

There's nothing
in the world...

No, no. Stop, please.
You mustn't move.

Stop! Stop!

You mustn't move
on his speech!

Oh, my! I can't
work like this!

Dorothy,
don't you think

She ought to be
wearing a brassiere?

Oh, god, no.

We've got to have something
in this show that moves.

Good afternoon,
mr. Benchley.

Hello.

Loved the play.

Let's hope it's a big
financial success!

I owe him three
months on the rent.

Well, at least you got
fantastic reviews.

Yes. And some were even
from total strangers.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, i suppose
it was dull,

And you all have
my apologies.

But how can you know
about your own?

You can't.

I want to know
who decided to open it

Two days
before christmas.

I hear
your mr. Benchley

Has taken up residence
at polly adler's brothel.

Well, that is,
of course,

When he's not
with that little show girl.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt
to work that in.

The play's about Benchley
anyway, isn't it, dot?

Look on the bright side,
dorothy.

Bobby.

Hello, broun.

My place has
got your name

Written
all over it.

Thank you, don.
Thank you.

Miss hunt,
how do you do?

Miss ferber.

Well, when they laughed
at the mandolin duet,

I wanted to bash
their skulls in.

Could have used
a french horn.

I think it's more
of a magnificent tragedy

Than it is a comedy.

It's a wonderful play,
and that's final.

I'm afraid so.

We did a cool $90 at
yesterday's matinee.

Philip's closing it
next week.

What?

Mr. Woollcott,
we really have to clear the room

To prepare for
the dinner service.

Clear the room?

Obviously
has no taste.

You imbecile!

Do i look like
a piece of furniture?

Well, actually,
an entire showroom.

On a good day.

Ha! Let's go up
to my room, everybody.

You coming, fred?

I think i'll catch up
with you later.

At polly's?

Why don't we say
at tony's, mrs. Parker?

Thank you, sir.

Please,
mr. Benchley.

I've never been
to a whorehouse.

Mrs. Parker...

It's not
unlike the theater

In many ways.

Satisfied?

No. Ha ha!

Never,
i suppose.

"For polly.
Long may she wave.

Al tennyson."

Yeah,
mr. Benchley.

Oh,
that's very good.

I prefer
a real whorehouse

To the theater.

Oh, yes.

If a girl
can't sing here,

She has the good
manners to fake it.

What's
the going rate?

I like the looks
of that one there.

she's a guest.

Well, so am i.

Oh, bobby,

Are you going to read
to me again tonight?

Oh, another county
heard from.

Um, i'd like you
to meet my good friend,

Mrs...
mrs. Parker.

Mrs. Parker...

is she all right?

I think she
should lie down.

Here we are.

Yes, i think
i hit my...ass.

take her to
the lavender room, coco.

yes, miss adler.

Oh...
i'm so sorry.

it's right this way.

i'll go up with her.

I had medical training
in the army, you know.

Suspicions
confirmed, fred.

I am
a drunken whore.

You're an artist,
mrs. Parker.

Sometimes artists
lose their balance.

Ah...

I'm little dorothy with the
curse of the rothschilds

Hanging
over her head.

You're the artist,
mr. Benchley.

No, no. Not me.

Don't lay that
on me.

I've discovered
i have no real talent

For writing.

I can't quit
because i'm too famous.

All right?

Here we are.

You lean down here.

I want to check
your temperature.

You need some rest,
mrs. Parker.

Mr. Benchley...

Yes, mrs. Parker.

Oh! Ha ha!

Oh...

Christ.

Oh...

goddamn it,
thurber.

Is ross in?

Yes, but he's
engaged right now.

You'll have to
take a seat.

Excuse me, miss!

Do it over again!

Thurber's crazy.
You talk to him.

Finally!
I've been wondering what happened to you.

Do you have
the article?

This was due
on the third.

Somebody was using
the pencil.

You look terrible,
dottie.

Have you not
been sleeping?

Woodrow wilson died.

Yes. I heard.

About a year ago.

Last week.

You have me there.

This is not a charitable donation,
ross.

I'm fighting them off
at the hotel,

And my bank account
is so overdrawn,

It's positively
photographic.

You'll be paid eventually.
I promise.

Don't believe him, dottie.
He owes me for years.

Jane, for christ's
sake, please.

Dottie, really,
this is just wonderful.

Herbert spencer
once said,

"A genius
can do readily

What nobody else
can do at all,"

And that's
what i'm doing.

Dottie,
i can't read this right now.

What a thing to be doing
at my age,

Sitting around
making up stories

About broken-Hearted
sissies.

Dottie, where
are you going?

Mrs. Parker.

I just wanted to see
if you still answered to that.

We are still married,
aren't we, eddie?

I guess so.

I guess we ought to talk about
getting a divorce, then.

Not today.

I'm feeling
too good.

Oh, is it catching?

Sure. Why not?

You look swell,
eddie.

Do i, really?

Truly.

Thanks.

You look beautiful.

Oh, where the hell
are you looking?

At you.

No. I'm...

Lower than worms.

I miss feeling
safe, eddie.

I do miss that.

Is that
what we were?

You could have
fooled me.

You're not going
to cry, are you?

Woodrow died.

Did he?
I'm sorry.

I'm all alone again
and broke.

See?

I'm flush.

Let me buy you
a present.

Now you can
buy me lunch

If you promise
not to be very dull.

I'd love to, dear,
but i can't.

I'm meeting someone,
and i'm late.

Another time, though.
I insist.

Actually,
i'm meeting someone, too.

It's really been
lovely seeing you.

Dear...

Oh.

I do not like
my state of mind.

I'm bitter,
querulous, unkind.

I hate my legs,
i hate my hands,

I do not yearn
for lovelier lands.

I dread
the dawn's recurrent light.

I hate to go
to bed at night.

I snoot
at earnest, simple folk.

I cannot take
the gentlest joke.

I find no peace
in paint or type.

My world is but
a lot of tripe.

I'm disillusioned,
empty-Breasted.

For what i think,
i'd be arrested.

I am not sick,

I am not well.

My quondam dreams
are shot to hell.

My soul is crushed,

My spirit sore.

I do not like me
anymore.

I cavil, quarrel,
grumble, grouse.

I ponder
on the narrow house.

I shudder
at the thought of men...

I'm due
to fall in love again.

Well, i'll mention it
to her again, mr. Case,

But there really isn't
that much i can do.

It's a very difficult
situation.

Dottie?

I'd like
to talk to you.

Cheese it, the fuzz.

Mrs. Parker.

I don't know how
he's going to feel

About an untrained puppy
piddling on his rugs.

He didn't
like it much

When the trained
one did.

Plus, i have
to write him

Another i.O.U.
For the rent.

Well, they wouldn't
throw you out.

You're good
for too much publicity.

How was lunch?

Did they talk
about me?

Of course they
talked about you.

Rex...

Learn to read,
darling.

It's time to think
about serious work.

Thinking is working,
isn't it?

Well,
of course it is.

It's the kind
that i do best.

Why don't you write
a novel, dear?

You could pRobably
knock one off

In, say,
20 or 30 years.

Oh, yes.
Why not a novel?

I put as much work
into writing nonsense

As i do the things
that matter,

And it's the nonsense
everybody notices.

And you know what?

By the time i'm paid
for what i do,

The money's
already gone.

But you can dream
on a book, can't you?

Absolutely.

Have we
ever touched?

Hello,
mrs. Parker.

Mmm.

Do you think we should
drink this one, too, hmm?

How about to us?

Yes, it's too bad
we don't look prettier.

We were pretty once,
though, weren't we?

Hmm?

You might not think
it matters,

But i do.

I'll tell you why.

Because, my dear,
it all turns on that.

All those little sags
and...

What is
going on here?

Yes, it's london zoo.

Listen.
I've had enough.

I really have.

Is that this
woman's dog?

We've had these interruptions
on this set...

I did it.

Nicotine,
nicotine pip-Squeak.

Listen, sergei.

This is not
the steppes of russia.

This is
the united states of america.

So zanuck says give him
a death scene.

That'll win an oscar.

This guy couldn't play dead
if you cremated him.

Move over.

What's wrong,
dottie?

I never worked
on a picture that i liked,

And i never worked on a picture
that liked me.

Dottie,
i need a line.

There's a guy
standing on a ledge,

And his wife's
got to say something.

No. Let her push
the son of a bitch

Without speaking.

Over!

Hey, dottie.
Saw alan on the lot this morning

Standing right
beside wardRobe.

Wearing a dress,
no doubt.

Hi, harry.

Harry.

You guys hear
about bob Benchley?

No.

Hi, dottie.

Hey, listen, harry.
I need a line.

Forget about that.

Harry,
what about Benchley?

He, uh, he died.

You're kidding.

How?

Cirrhosis of the liver,
hemorrhaging.

They say
marc connelly

Ran around
the stork club

Looking for
blood donors.

God, Benchley.

I talked to him just
before i left town.

Dottie...

Oh, that's
just dandy.

Well, if it isn't
mr. Dorothy parker.

Hello, dottie.

Thought i might
as well

Get my things
out of your way.

What's in here?
This is mine, you shit!

You queer!

You can't use that anymore,
and you know it.

Oh, surely not because of your
wartime adventures in london.

Everybody knows
it's a lie, dottie,

And so do you.

Just because you
fucked another woman

Doesn't make it
all better.

Good-Bye, darling.

Oh, that's right.

Take your toys and gallop away,
sidesaddle!

And don't forget to bore a
hole in the hobby-Horse,

You fucking idiot!

Oh, fred.

Dear fred.

You lovely, wonderful shit.

Department of mass hysteria
and indecision.

The new year you ordered
is due shortly

And may be picked up
at the will-Call desk.

Where have you been
all evening?

Hello, charlie!

Anyone seen
my noisemakers?

You are
a noisemaker!

Where are my damn
noisemakers?

I think she likes
you better.

Yes. Meow, too.

James,
my stomach hurts.

I like champagne,
but it doesn't like me.

Oh, you're just being
modest, mary.

Ha ha ha!

Are you nauseous,
dear?

My stomach.

Your stomach.

Well,
pardon my pussy.

Everywhere i draw breath
is a social hall!

Then go breathe
somewhere else!

I'm sure
jane means...

Aleck!

If you were a true
gentleman, aleck,

You'd pinch my ass!

Aleck,
what the hell?

Calm down,
please.

Will you please
calm down, aleck?

didn't i give you
a dollar?

You know, charlie,

I actually made-Believe
we'd be married someday.

I even decided
what to wear.

Ah, jesus christ,
dot.

A rather pinkish gray
with butterfly orchids.

Your passion
for unhappiness

Is goddamn endless.

But you're fine,
aren't you?

You're all well.

Just wish you wouldn't
sentimentalize

All the time.

And i wish i never learned
to take off my clothes.

Happy new year, charlie.

Dottie.

Happy new year,
john peter.

Harpo,
you'll appreciate this.

The wisdom tooth...
A comedy in three acts.

Act one...

Ha ha ha!

Scene one.

It gets better.

"A men's washroom.

Four washbasins are against the wall,
running diagonally."

Why would i
ruin the night?

Oh, here.

Here. One of
your friends.

Why don't you tell her
about the fact

That you want
to leave.

Too late, mary.

Hmm?

Oh!

Did he swallow a nut?

Have you been
drinking, ross?

Heavily.

Don't, for a minute,
think i'm not incoherent.

I would never
not think that.

There you two are.

I've been toothing this
comb with a fine...

Put us back together,
dr. Benchley.

We're broken into
little bits.

What seems to be
the pRoblem?

You, sir, appear
pained enough

To have appeared
in my column.

I suppose i should say something
amusing about leaving life,

But i'm afraid i don't find
any of this amusing anymore.

what is everybody
staring at?

That's rude of me.

Mr. Benchley.

Mr. Sherwood.

Mrs. Parker.

Where are you going,
Robert?

Couldn't have stood another
moment of him looking at me,

Thinking of what a public
clown i turned out to be.

Oh, fred.

That's not what
he was thinking at all.

Hello.

Bobby.

Mademoiselle Gerard!

How did it go?

Great.

Isn't he just the bee's knees,
dottie?

Did you miss me?

Does the sun
miss the stars?

Did jackson
miss-Issippi?

Cain miss abel?

What do you say
we go wild tonight?

If you insist.

Little miss muffet?

Christmas cheer?

I try to worry,
mrs. Parker,

But i can't.

Isn't anybody happy?

I feel sick
to my stomach.

Tolstoy? I always found
tolstoy rather dreary!

Poor alvan.

You're right.
Tolstoy isn't very cheerful.

And sentimental!

Nor sentimental,
for that matter.

What's he written?

He's a doctor,
a psychotherapist.

A good one, too,
actually.

Because of his understanding
of how pure sorrow

Is no more possible
than pure joy.

That's hardly
reasonable!

your friends
don't care

For the russians,
i'm afraid.

Come on, doctor.

Let's talk about
my sorrow and joy.

You don't mind,
do you, paula?

Why, no.

Well, at least
i asked.

i'm a-Freud of that man.

Someone pay attention
to me!

My great fear is being
a bitter old woman

Alone in her room,

Who, despite
all requests for rain,

Will meet her maker
on a bright, sunny day.

I don't know if this is
a terrible tragedy

Or a big fucking joke.

Would you like
a nut?

Could you just
close the door

On your way out,
please?

Oh, sit here.

Please.

Happy new year,
harp.

Well...what are you
waiting for?

Analyze.

Analysis is
a serious business.

Would it help
if i cried?

One needs an office,

A certain amount
of formality.

What if i put on
a more expensive dress

And then cried?

Well, it's safe
to suggest

That you
examine the need

You and your
colleagues feel

To spend so much time
together.

They're shits, really,
except for mr. Benchley.

That's quite a thing to say
about your best friends.

Please be sweet.

Don't know why
i can't work anymore,

Why life is
so goddamned painful.

If we identify your inability to
work as the primary pRoblem...

It's a tossup, really,
between that

And my inability
to get laid.

Then we ought to examine

How your energy
is being spent instead.

What else?

Your drinking.

Oh, it doesn't do me
much good anymore,

But that's about
the extent of it.

I have to disagree.

Well,
maybe it's the bad whiskey i've been getting.

May i say,

The real stuff never
made me suffer.

It's not what you're suffering,
mrs. Parker.

It's what
you're missing.

In my opinion,

You and your friends
are missing a great deal.

It's a sign
of insecurity,

This compulsion to be
constantly with each other,

To be constantly
entertaining,

But never discussing one subject for long,
never in-Depth.

The serious side of
your nature is lost...

Your purpose.

And then
you can't write.

I think life
is something more

Than being able
to breathe.

Do i have to
believe that

To feel better?

Tell me about
your mother.

She died
when you were 5.

Actually,
it was a month before my 5th birthday.

Oh...

Sometimes i...

I think i catch a
bit of her voice,

Her scent,

Something
she once said,

And then...
it slips away.

Oh,
i suppose she loved me and kept me warm

And made sure
i ate roughage,

But the, uh...

The truth is,

I barely remember
a thing about her.

That's no reason
to be afraid.

It's good to remember.

But i'm not
remembering.

I'm just guessing.

I'm guessing
everything.

It would be
different, if only...

Ah...

If only this.
If only that.

Where are you going,
dorothy?

I'm returning
to my room.

My anxieties are waiting.
They miss me.

You think
that's a good idea?

I like my room.

Everything i need
is there.

Don't you think
you should stay here

Until you face this pain
more directly?

Face it
more directly?

Um, i face it every day.

I fall in love
with married men,

But i do it on purpose.

I drink too much,
and that's because i'm thirsty.

And i write doodads because
it's a doodad kind of town.

It's, um, nothing...
personal, doctor,

But i think
my version of pain

Is more fun than yours.

You're up.

Mr. Kaufman.

I'm surprised
to see you here.

You, me,
all of manhattan,

And parts of schenectady,
i'm sure.

Did she say anything
about me?

Just a little one...
while we're up.

My dear, do let me
congratulate you.

You must be
terribly proud...

Who?

Dorothy parker.

Dorothy parker, yeah,
the writer.

I worked with
her and her husband

In hollywood
a long time ago.

They had just
remarried.

Didn't she commit
suicide?

Shh. No, no, no.

What? I'm just
asking a question.

She was very famous.

For writing movies or for
marrying the same guy twice?

For having lunch,
mostly.

Ha ha ha!

is that a double?

You didn't ask
for a double, lady.

I didn't?

I meant to.
I promise you.

I'll get you
another one.

How about
a little tummy rub?

Part of the romance
of digestion.

I want you to meet her.
Just for a second.

It's all right.
Go ahead. Sit.

Mrs. Parker, i hope
we're not disturbing you.

Well...

Do you remember me?

Honey,
i don't remember this morning.

Ha ha ha!

I'm fred hunter.

I acted in a picture

That you and your husband,
alan campbell,

Wrote several
years ago...

Flight to nowhere.

Well, i got
cut out, but...

Honey,
if i wrote it,

They cut me out,
too.

These are two friends
of mine...Marcy and june.

This is mrs. Parker,
dorothy parker.

Can we buy you
a drink?

Well, sure.
Ha ha ha!

Can we get another drink
here for mrs. Parker?

I was just
telling them

About the old
hollywood days

And about your husband.

He was so, so nice to me
when we worked together.

I don't doubt it.

Unhappily...Oh,
i beg your pardon.

Happily, i'm away
from hollywood now,

And i don't have to
hear about that crap.

Whatever happened
to that director?

What was his name?
I can't remember.

He went to jail,

For being an american
in the u.S. Of a.

Oh, really. Jail?

Oh, you mean
because of the...Right.

Thank you.

Did you, uh,
i mean...

Oh, no, no, dear.

But i bought a new hat,
just in case.

Well, there's plenty
of money in hollywood

To buy things with.

Oh, hollywood.

Money isn't real.

It's like...

Well,
i don't know what the money is like.

It's like small ice
in your hand.

We got to go.

Oh, o.K. Great.

Mrs. Parker,
we're on our way

To a movie.

Would you like
to join us?

Why were you just asking
me about hollywood?

The thing has come down
on me like a curtain,

And i don't want to
remember those things.

Why are you trying

To split these
curtains to me...

Just a nice woman
trying to talk to you?

We're going
to be late.

O.K. Well, anyway...

Fred...

Always late.

Someone said
they'd have to keep

Heaven open
after hours for him.

Ha.

Well, mrs. Parker,
it's a pleasure to see you.

You look...
It's nice to see you.

Well...

A dependable
fact-Of-Life cliche...

Everything's always worse
than you thought it would be.

We are here to honor
dorothy parker

Because the clean wit
of her verse

And the sharp perceptions
in her stories

Have produced a brilliant record
of our times.

Because of mrs. Parker's
true talent,

Her early work gives us
as much pleasure today

As it did 30 years ago.

what horse shit,

With apologies
to the horses.

...happily names
dorothy parker

As this year's recipient of
the marjorie peabody waite award

For achievement
and integrity.

I never thought
i'd make it.

Do you miss the glamour
of the jazz age?

Glamour? They ought to
call it the dingy decade.

What disturbs you most
about american culture,

Mrs. Parker?

Stupidity, intolerance,
and segregation...

Particularly segregation.

Is it true that you
were involved in

The spanish
civil war?

Why do we have to
go into that?

Yes, i was!

Indeed,
i should like to say

It was the proudest thing
i've ever been of.

I was, for a time,

With the proudest people
i've ever been of.

And that doesn't
hurt you, you know.

What do you think of kerouac and
the beat generation writers?

Well, you'll...
You'll take him.

I think this thing of
the beat generation...

Do you mind?

I think it's
perfect nonsense,

And i think
in a couple of years,

They'll be forgotten.

But us, messy as we were
and all that,

We're not going to be
forgotten,

Because some of us
came out of it.

There came out Benchley.
There came out fitzgerald.

There came out
hemingway.

There came out broun.

There came out
sherwood.

Well,
for heaven's sweet sake,

Who's coming out
of the beatniks?

All right. Kerouac.
All right. All right.

Ha ha ha!

Have you
thought about

What you'd like
to have written

On your tombstone,
mrs. Parker?

What a morbid thing
to ask a person.

You've just stolen
my heart.

Actually, i have
composed something

For my epitaph,

Something memorable,
i hope.

Well, i'm not
a bit surprised.

Are you going to let
me know what it is?

Come here, dear.

Off we go.

Excuse me.

What did she say?

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