Original subtitles

How the hell did we end up in this situation?

Well...

The teacher told me not to chew chalk 'cause it'll make me stupid,

so now I just swallow it.

Anyway, she can expel me if she wants,

'cause my dad sold our apartment and he put all our money in FNI.

So next year we'll be rich and I won't have to go to school anymore.

And my mommy told me that when daddy comes back from his trip to Jilava,

he'll take us to America and we'll be rich, too.

Mommy?

Daddy?

How did the last 20 years bring us here?

How did we end up here, in Miami?

That went straight into my brain.

What are you waiting for?

-Just... -C'mon, go for it!

There you go.

What is wrong with you?

There's way too much garlic. I can't even taste the meat or anything.

Nah, garlic is good for you!

"My pen is blue."

What?

Say it. "My pen is blue."

"My pen is blue."

Well...

-You're starting to get it. -I'm speaking English, motherfucker!

-But what did I say? -You said: "My pen is blue".

Are you stupid?

No, I'm really asking. Are you stupid?

You're teaching me about pens?

Am I going to America for pens?

I've never had a pen in my life and now I'm going to America for pens?

Teach me something that'll be useful there!

Where is the bathroom? How do I get to the subway?

How much is a pretzel?

Hang on, chief, I didn't hit him, he fell on his own!

Things that will actually help me there!

I'm gonna fucking starve out there 'cuz of you.

Bro, this is just your first English lesson.

You know? That's how you learn. I should know, I stayed in school longer than you!

That's true, you were in school longer,

because you were held back every year!

What are you guys doing in there?!

I can't believe this guy is giving us shit again.

Hey, get the fuck out of the car!

This is the second time you've eaten in a customer's car!

I'm not letting you two get me fired!

You wish! Unemployment would pay you more than this place.

Okay, we got it, that's enough.

Quit talking and get to work!

Where do you know this Albanian from?

I've known him for a long time, since middle school.

He'd sell us cigarettes. He was cool, only ever beat me up once.

And he's been to Miami?

Yeah, man. Miami, New York, Amsterdam, Berlin.

He's been all over America.

And he's also stayed with Misu?

Of course he's stayed with Misu. Misu's the man. He's the boss.

If we don't work with him, for sure he can get us a job at a fast food or stuff.

Bro, I am not going to America to sling burgers.

I gotta start making real money fast or my girlfriend will kick me out.

She kicks you out and I'll be alone with her there...

Don't get me wrong, she's beautiful, she's great,

but I could have thought at some point, not about her specifically,

but you know, it's something that crosses your mind,

And people make mistakes sometimes...

She'll kick us both out, alright?

Both of us.

We'll go meet the Albanian, see what he says, and then we'll make a decision.

I am sick of being poor, bro, I can't take it anymore.

I feel like I am allergic to it.

Literally. I have a skin rash, I'm so itchy.

my elbows are itchy, I'm itchy everywhere, I have hives all over my body.

From poverty, dude. I am allergic to being poor.

Are you sure that's not psoriasis?

No it's not fucking psoriasis, dummy, I got all my shots as a kid.

Smallpox, chickenpox, measles, all of them...

I'm just allergic to living on 50 cents a day.

I don't want to. I can't do it anymore. That's it.

What do you mean 50 cents a day? We make 12 dollars a day.

Yeah, but I buy a pack of cigarettes, that's 4 dollars.

I go to the supermarket and I get a beer and a kebab, that's another 5 bucks.

Five plus four, that's nine.

-Then you spend two fifty on the lotto... -Like everyone does.

And that's it, that's 11.50, and I'm left with only 50 cents a day.

Who can live with 50 cents a day?

Yes...

Yes...

Yes.

Yeah.

No, never.

Man...

Nah, if I'm on the street heads will roll.

I can't. Yeah. Hot sauce.

Yeah, thanks.

Olives on pizza. You ever heard of that?

Some crazy shit.

-No, never... -God forbid.

So what's up?

When will you have...?

Three days, I'll have your tickets in three days.

That's a lot of money, chief.

It's not my money. Misu will reimburse me in Miami.

If he needs guys to work, he's gotta pay.

So, about how much money do you think we could make?

How much did you have in mind?

Can I say?

Tell me.

2,000?

2,000?

Is it a lot?

It's a lot.

It's a lot. 2,000 you could make in... three days.

2,000 lei in three days?

2,000 dollars.

Come on, man. There's no way we can make that much.

It's America, man. It's the land of opportunity!

-That can't be possible... -It is for real, bro.

What's up, Ilie? You haven't called, texted, nothing.

I wanted to, sweetheart, but my phone's out of credit.

-You believe me, don't you? -Again?

Throw down another 5 Euro to top it up and I'll call you later.

You know you're my girl.

OK, and?

I don't know, man. That dude is shady... Who the fuck doesn't put olives on pizza?

I don't!

You also eat pasta with bread, so shut the fuck up!

I don't know, I should talk to Sorana, too...

-Maybe she'll say... -I'm pregnant.

At the end of the day if we've got the visas, we'd be fools not to go.

Exactly. You wanna waste all that English you learned?

-My pen is blue. -My pen is blue!

My pen is blue.

-Done! I put 5 euro. -Awesome.

Don't I get a kiss?

Fuck, no!

Get lost, it's over between us.

Wait until my dad finds out it's your fault I'm not a virgin!

C'mon! 2,000 dollars in three days...

I thought it was my pizza...

Hey, Albanian!

How long did you say the flight to Miami is?

No matter how many miles are between us,

or how many oceans, all I'll be thinking about are your eyes.

You're my one true love, you're my soulmate.

This isn't goodbye. It's just "see you soon".

Honey?

You really think this looks good?

Baby, don't I know what's best for my man?

Men have become presidents with this haircut.

Yeah... I just... I don't know.

People laugh at me, and you cut Piciu's hair better...

Hey! How many pair of underwear are you bringing?

-All of them. -I'm taking both mine, too.

Piciu has a small head. What do you want? He's a Sagittarius.

But you are a Virgo, long hair doesn't suit you.

You see, that's the thing about it.

Before I met you

I'd never heard of a barber basing cuts off zodiac signs.

Hair stylist, sorry, babe.

I'm so proud that you're going to America.

What if I don't make it?

Does it seem like you're making it here, Ion?

You wash cars!

-So what? Piciu washes cars too. -Piciu doesn't have anyone.

And that's a good thing?

Yeah, he's got no one to embarrass.

Should I bring more than one roll of toilet paper?

Take them all, we don't know what they have there.

Get out!

But now you've got two people counting on you.

Do you want our baby to cry

because we live in the only apartment without insulated windows?

It'll be alright, you'll see.

Did you eat garlic again?!

What are you doing? Is that it?

When you're poor you get good at not having stuff.

Hey man, do you have any idea what the weight limit is for checked bags?

It's 23 kilos, or four euros per kilo if you go over.

This one, if it fits...

Pull this a little.

Check this out, my Miami shirt.

One, two, three!

You two going to work or out begging?

Thanks.

C'mon, man, the engine's gonna freeze up.

-Sorana, I think I've seen you around. -I haven't.

Hey look, our phones match.

Well, whaddya know...

We still have to stop by my grandma's place.

I swear to God!

Sorry, sweetheart.

Aren't you coming?

I'm not allowed.

When they were kids, his dad cheated on his mom.

-Okay, so? -With my mom!

Cool.

C'mon!

Hi, Grandma!

You bring that shit head Ilie?

He can go to hell with his piece of shit father.

No, I brought... other comrades.

Not that bitch who's sucking your life away, I hope...

How's it going? Good to see you're doing well...

Grandma...

-Sorana is pregnant. -No shit! By who?

By me.

The hell with that old lady!

She's been dying for five years.

I am too young to be a great-grandmother. Give me a cigarette.

Menthols.

Fuck that. Go inside.

Come on.

If that Albanian has made so much money in America, what is he doing here?

He had some bad luck while he was there.

Cops pulled him over and he'd been drinking.

And on top of that, his visa had just expired.

-By how long? -Four and a half years.

Grandma, I'm going to America.

Okay. So?

And I've come for your blessing.

What? The fuck am I, a priest?

Why do they call him "the Albanian"? Is he from Albania?

Did he fight there? Is he with the Albanian mob?

No, he's just from over in Alba Iulia.

With that idiot Ilie?

It wasn't enough for him to ruin your life once?

-Mrs... -Grandma!

Mrs. Grandma...

What happened wasn't Ilie 's fault.

Fuck off!

It's in their genes.

Because of his father, my son-in-law ran off and died in Germany.

And out of embarrassment my daughter went off

and now she's cleaning toilets in Italy. Or...

What team does Asensio play for these days?

-Real Madrid? -That's right. In Spain.

Grandma likes soccer.

Fuckers! Twice I've lost bets 'cuz of them.

-And she likes betting. -I see.

You do what you think is best. But don't do it because of Ilie.

I'm scared to drink soda, I don't want this one to rust...

You asshole!

You better watch yourself out there.

Ion is leaving home to make money, not to mess around, alright?

-Grandma made some food for you to take. -You didn't have to do that.

I made you some stuffed cabbage, garlic sauce,

eggplant spread.

There you go.

And you got some plum brandy in there too.

Oh, thank you!

Have a safe trip.

And don't forget what Grandma always says.

When things get tough, there's no shame in aiming right for the balls!

Listen up! If anything happens to my Ion, I'll be damned if I...

-Mrs... -Grandma!

Mrs. Grandma, he's in good hands.

Take care, Grandma! And stop going to the stadium.

At your age, the security could break your hands.

What are you talking about? They don't even wear helmets.

One kick in the head and they're done for.

Ion, wait! One more thing, it's important.

Take this.

Come on, Grandma, they have bread in Miami, too.

Talk back to me like that and I'll beat the shit out of you!

Take it!

Thank you!

Miami...

Are you crazy?

Another life.

Like hell. Did you see how weird Americans are?

Seriously how could we be the only ones who clapped when we landed?

It's fucking hot, too.

This was your plan? To walk to this guy's place?

Dude...

My plan is to make money, not spend it.

How far could it possibly be?

Do you think it's much longer to Faraway Street?

Faraway Street? Nah, it must be close.

You don't take off your socks?

Of course not, you peasant!

Look at these roads!

You can really tell they paved over all that greenery.

I think this is it.

Hey there!

America... We speak English here.

Hello! D o w n l o a d e d f r o m E x t r e m l y m t o r r e n t s . w s

We look for Misu.

Honey, this is Miami, nobody speaks English here.

Do you speak Spanish?

Yes.

Where is Misu?

Misu! The Boss.

-Yes, he lives in this house right here. -Yeah, just this one.

Why the fuck did you say yes? Now translate!

Yes...

with another, you pass the time.

We're gonna be happy

the four of us.

Go through that door. The pool's out back.

Go right on in, the music is really loud. We'll see you there!

Thank you! Sangría!

Real Madrid!

My music!

You heard that, right?

Cheers!

Hey! Welcome to Miami! Welcome to Paradise!

-Thank you. -My kids are here!

-Hello, sir. -Thank you so much for having us!

-Tony! -Now what?

-What's up? -My brother, Tony.

Thank you for accommodating us!

Our two new recruits!

-Hello, sir! I am Ilie, thank you! -New faces! How are you?

They look like fucking idiots, I love it.

Hey, you guys are gonna love it here in Miami, OK? Welcome!

Thank you.

Baby, something to drink for my brothers!

Hey, you guys wanna fuck?

We actually wanted to work, that's why we came here...

Look, I have something nice for you.

Well, if I...

If I had to think about it, I wouldn't say no.

Misu doesn't trust anybody that doesn't get drunk with him.

My wife. Is she fucking hot or what?

-Nice to meet you. -Yes.

What's your name?

My pen is blue.

Your penis is blue?

-No. He just stupid. -Hey, let's go party.

-You OK? -Yes.

Do you need anything?

Wi-fi?

Call home. ET call home.

Yes, the wi-fi password is Elchapo69.

Grandma's present for you!

Are you serious right now? Do I look like I'm drinking right now? Fuck off!

What's up, man!

Man, how are you? Everything good?

Are you serious? Misu has everything I ever needed here.

As soon as we got here there were women, drinks, partying...

Man, just make sure you make a good impression, OK?

Let's dance!

Well, yeah. We told him we wanted to work, and he told us we have to drink!

Great, don't worry about it. You'll work, too. Have a good time!

Bye! Bye, boss.

Dance!

Get down!

Rise and shine, boys!

Morning!

Hey!

We no gay... We friends.

Friends.

Breakfast is getting ready. Tony is making it.

Go wash up.

What... is this?

How's the Albanian?

-He's good, healthy. -So, still fat and flaccid?

Work? Money?

Money...

You came here to live with Mishu, right?

I'll tell you what you can do for me.

You can go pick up the girls from the yoga class.

Can you do that?

You? Can you drive?

Fuck yeah! To the hotel, driver!

Hey, faggots! Come here, I need to talk to you.

These are cellphones, OK? The address where you're going.

It's right in here. Little, that's for you. Balls, that's for you.

OK?

Keep it low profile.

Are we clear?

Watch out! Diaspora coming through!

What the hell?! We're in Miami, in winter. What are you gonna do about it? Nothing!

Yes, bro.

It's a little cold out, a little chilly. What's the temperature, my man?

Let me just check the Lexus. Or should I say Deluxe-us?

-Yeah? -How are you, baby?

Fine, putting on make-up.

What's up? You there yet?

We are. It's great.

You'd really like it here.

I can imagine.

How's it going? You find any work?

Not yet. We partied a little bit, had a drink with the guys.

Ion, did you go there to party or to work? What are you doing there?

Come on, baby, it's the first day. You know!

No I don't know, John!

Babe?

How's our little one?

Fine! Waiting for daddy to come back home with some money.

I... I thought of a name.

Tony.

And...?

What and? That's it! Tony. It's cool.

And if it's a girl?

If it's a girl, we'll make one more and we'll call him Tony!

-You know I miss you. -We do too, baby.

I wanted to ask you something.

Please text me when you send money, okay?

Kisses, bye.

Look at them.

Do they do yoga?

They do as much yoga as I do Pilates.

You, epilating?

Not epilating. Pilates. It's some kind of exercise.

What are you doing here?

Suprise!

-This is bad. -Let's go.

-Change pain! -Help!

Change the pain!

What the fuck is this, bro?

My... My pen is blue.

-My pen... -They're blue!

Guys, these girls are with us.

And who the fuck are you, man?

Hey! Just give money to girls, it's okay.

You work for that fuck, Mike? Let me tell you something, man.

This is our turf, these are our money, and these are our bitches.

You understand that?

-Hey! -Gun.

He thinks I am gonna shoot him. You think I am gonna shoot you.

Motherfucker. We don't shoot bitch ass nigga's in daytime!

That's 18 years without parole, baby, are you fucking crazy?

This is Miami, papi! You ready?

You know what? Let's fight, motherfucker!

Why are they getting undressed? Should we do it too?

No, what are we doing? We fighting or fucking?

What you gonna do? What you gonna do, boy?

That's a fucking gorilla, man.

What are they doing?

I have no idea, dude, maybe that's how they fight.

Guys, c'mon, let them keep the money. Let's go.

Shut the fuck up, bitch!

I'm just gonna go ahead and hit him by surprise.

Okay, yeah, do it by surprise.

What you gonna do?

You think you're tough, white boy?

What the fuck, cabron...

Get the fuck up, man.

For my boys who showed all of Miami who's in charge here.

-Yes. -I don't know what he said, but it's cool.

You boys did good, you really did.

Let me ask you. What did they look like?

-I prefer girls, but OK... -No...

They look cubano, white, and they take money from girls.

Some people like Misu, and some people just don't

I heard about karate move...

No, no karate.

Ion, he did "the dirty lady from Ocna market" and me, I did the ne-ve,

from the back of the garden.

Listen, Misu has a suprise for you. Girls, come to the boys.

I swear to Jesus if I get to fuck a Cuban girl I can die happy.

No, no sex for me, I have girl home, baby.

Listen, motherfucker, you ain't got the money to fuck one of these girls.

I tell you what. Get, get down.

-Get what? -Get the fuck down, now!

-Get the fuck down! -OK!

A cop. Police.

You arrest us?

You're Misu's boys now! OK?

You gotta walk the walk. You gotta look the look.

What did he say, man? Fuck your English.

Anyway, wait, let's not...

Hello, baby!

What are they doing?

No... I just dyed it...

Please, don't!

No!

Not that!

My wife made this, she kill me.

You shave me, you know, I shave you...

We shave each other, please.

Sorana will leave me.

You'll look so nice.

Long live Little and Balls!

Hello!

Smells good... What is it?

It's...

How the hell do you say it?

Mujdei (Garlic sauce).

Mukdei?

Eat... shit bad, put mujdei, shit good.

Thank you, for standing up for the girls back there.

That was really nice of you.

Yes. I...

Stop!

Wait.

So you let Misu do...

to chica?

It's okay?

If he put buritto

inside he...

No, oh, no!

Me and Misu are just together because he pays for my grandmamma's healthcare.

Misu and grandmother?

No, me need money,

Misu pay grandmamma healthcare.

Sorry, English so bad.

-I can teach you. -You teach?

Yeah! Me English good.

English bad, put professor Juanita, English good.

Try.

Mujdei.

-No, thank you. -Eat!

It's okay. Come on!

-Okay, just a little bit. -Okay...

Good. Very good, thank you.

-More. -No, thank you!

Full, but thank you.

Come here.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, Little, Balls.

Listen, me and Misu are gonna go out fishing. OK?

But you fill the boat with fish to go fish?

Don't worry about it.

What? Are we fishermen now?

We help?

No, but I tell you what you can do.

Why don't you go and get yourself some decent clothes, huh?

We'll be back tomorrow.

Thanks for today, it was great.

I love you, too.

What?

I like.

Good, that's awsome.

It was little hard, your fashion sense is OK but...

I think you look pretty cute with your haircut and all.

My what?

Your haircut.

Actually, I think it looks pretty cute.

You are a Virgo, long hair doesn't suit you.

Sorry.

I have a friend that just moved downtown

and I want to give him a housewarming gift.

This is the address.

OK.

-What's in here? -What do you think? We went fishing.

Hurry up!

I am not supposed to give money to homeless people.

What does she want?

We bring gift from Misu.

Yes.

Dad!

-So, you're Misu's guys? -Yes, I am Little, he is Balls.

Hello, sir!

-You got my shit? -Yes, take my shit.

Unbelievable! The shitty mud gets under my nails.

I fucking hate when that happens.

I know what you mean. That happens to me when my hamster gets out in the garden

and I have to find it.

-Wait. You speak French? -A little French.

Very good!

-You feeling okay, man? -Yeah, why?

Since when do you speak French?

I used to watch Louis de Funes movies when I was a kid. Didn't you?

-Fuck your omelet du fromage shit. -How are you dumb in every language?

Misu's stuff really is always the best.

Very good.

Did you know that the word "orchid"

comes from the ancient Greek word for testicles?

No, I didn't know that, sir!

Does he want to touch your testicles?

No,dude. I swear to God, you're dumb in every language.

-Give this to Misu. -Yes, sir.

I like you guys. If you need anything, don't hesitate.

Thank you, sir

Thank you.

Goodbye, sir!

What did that guy say to us?

He said that the word "orchid" comes from testicles.

What the hell do you think is in there?

No idea, but it's none of our business.

What am I, a gardener?

-I don't care. -Give me that!

Wait a minute!

I don't want to go to jail, understand?

I've never seen this much money in my life.

Piciu. Piciu, don't run. You stop it.

I can't end up in prison, you know very well I'm sensitive!

Piciu!

Do you see that?

I wonder how much they've stolen.

Maybe they invested in Bitcoin

when it was worth the price of a pizza, and cashed out.

Or maybe they made one of those delivery apps that always brings your food late.

Or maybe they worked hard from generation to generation,

their families worked hard, and they made money and built...

-Nah, they definitely stole. -And that's exactly what Misu does.

That's why he always keeps that cop around.

Otherwise, he'd have had to work for that house and that pool.

Just like in Romania!

Except that in Romania

there's no point in working because you don't make any money.

Unless you embezzle.

That's why people are leaving the country.

Here, if you do good,

people don't beat you up, they give you a drink.

That's the difference.

I know. I like swim.

Oh, swimming.

Elizabeth eats everything.

Elizabeta...

eats all.

-Good. -OK. So Elizabeth fat.

No, she's curvy.

Elizabeth's a whore?

Hang on, help me understand.

The police bring drugs into the country, and then it's also them who confiscate it?

Isn't it the same in Romania?

-Look how hard it is. -It's Grandma's bread.

-How do you say "a lot" in Romanian? -Mult.

Cacalau.

-Mult, it's okay. -I like mult.

I like Juanita mult.

OK.

-Hello. -Someone has been a naughty boy.

Mrs. Svetlana, I assure you this is being just a case of...

misscommunication.

And that's why me and Misu and the two crazy romanians

were just making sure everybody understands who the boss is on the street.

That's a lot of ground to cover, you know?

I know, I understand.

But let's just say we are taking a hands on approach.

You better have something good for me tomorrow, no excuses!

What's up, baby?

What the fuck did you do to your head, Ion?

What the fuck did you do to your head?!

You don't like it?

Bald?!

Bald heads are for Capricorns, Ion. I can't even look at you, you're horrible.

I think it looks good.

Hey, I just send you $800!

Yes, baby, I know, I got it. I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Hey, what the hell is going on back there?

-It's the window insulation guys! -What?

The Albanian got us a great deal.

He gave us money for it and you two can settle it later.

Are you crazy, woman?! That's the first money I've made!

What have you been up to till now, Ion? Out fucking whores? What?

I have not!

Actually, I was with some prostitutes. I took them to...

drove them, it's complicated, it doesn't matter right now.

-Well? -Well what?

Now we owe the Albanian 6,000 lei for the windows.

Didn't I just send you $800?

You did. And he gave me 6,231 lei for the windows

and you have to pay it back.

Forget it... How is...

You know who.

Who? The Albanian? He's out.

Not him. The baby! The baby, woman.

Oh, the baby.

He's still inside. He's still a baby. He's growing.

Don't take the labels off the windows!

Sorana! Hello!

Okay, Tony was very clear.

We have to take this message to the guy, and wish him a happy birthday.

That's all he said.

What does it say?

I don't know, it's in Spanish. Probably well-wishes or something.

"We'll kill your employees."

We'll see.

What the fuck are you eating?

I don't know. I found it at Misu's.

Oh, mushrooms. Shiitake, or whatever the hell.

Come on, let's go.

Dude! Get off that. We've got business to do.

What are you, a parrot? Come here.

Stay here.

Are you okay?

Snap out of it.

Good.

That's him.

Kind of a big guy, but we can handle him, right?

Follow me.

Dude, come on!

-Thank you. -Thank you, my darling.

-Hello, sir! -Hello, good evening!

We're here on behalf of Misu.

You have two days to pay your debt to Svetlana,

or else we'll punish you!

You can...

Sorry.

You can choose which finger of yours we cut off.

If not, we'll come back here kill all your employees.

Except for the casino...? no, the kitchen... no.

Ah! Except for the chef...

who will cook your finger for you to eat.

Tell Svetlana I didn't want to screw her. I had some problems with my family.

Look, here's a little something.

-The money... no. -Take it for now.

No...

Don't be an asshole!

How do I say it?

Embarass...

I am pregnant!

With the kid! Kid!

We are going to make you eat it!

I'm telling you the truth. Listen! My mother is in the hospital and... Look!

No!

My son is very retarded! Very sorry.

It's OK.

Muy sorry.

Merry Christmas!

Come on, dude. This way, go.

It's this guy's birthday! Are you high? When did you get high?

Hey, look at me.

I should give you a nice slap to the face. Sober you right up.

Look what we have here, man. What, are you gonna kiss?

Look who it is.

You son of a bitch!

I'm gonna cut you into pieces

and salt your wounds so I can watch you suffer

like the motherfucker you are!

I didn't understand a word but I think they're threatening us.

Then, let me handle it, I've hung out in Rahova, it's rough.

Just hold me back.

Come on!

You think you're fucking slick? I swear on my family, I'll kill you!

-What the fuck he say? -He said his family die.

I don't give a fuck about your family. Motherfucker, fuck your family!

Do you have a knife? Fuck all your mom's dead relatives!

-He fuck your... relative. -He fuck my relative?

What the fuck are thinking? You know what?

No!

Stop! Your dead mom's relative...

That's it. Yes.

My, my dead... my mom is alive!

You cocksucking motherfucker!

-What? -This one I'll fucking kill him.

He eat your dick.

Dicks, he both...

That's what he say... He eat...

He just said that he'll eat our dicks.

I will fuck both your families. Both of them!

So, he take your family and...

What? He's gonna fuck our families?

What the fuck, man?

I swear on my kids' lives.

His own children dead. He kill...

He kill his children.

-He didn't kill his children. -Is this a fucking joke?

No.

He killed his fucking children.

You killed your fucking children?

These guys don't follow any rules, man.

We're mafiosos but we've got a code, brother.

Fuck your God and your whore mother,

and your criminal father, and your whole family!

Chill! I can't translate all that!

What the fuck is this?

So, for Easter, for...

How do you say Christmas?

...Christmas, for... mother, father, dog, he fuck everything.

You better not fuck my dog, man!

I'll get you! I'm gonna get you!

Come on, man, let's go!

Despacito.

Come on. Come on, man. Forget it. Feeling better?

Come on! No, stop! Stop! Did you stop? Stop!

No! No gay shit on my boat.

What are you? Faggets?

What the hell did you do? You brought me two fucking gay Romanians?

Man, I don't know what you guys said over at Pablo's.

I mean don't get me wrong, I know you guys are homo and all that...

crap.

But everybody's talking about the child killing, cut throat Romanians.

We do what we can.

-Boss, where we go now? -We go to the big boss house.

-Hello, Don Fabio! -How are you?

Welcome!

Fabio, what are you doing here? Go inside and prepare my cigar.

You, please come in!

I think that's the Big Boss.

-So those are the crazy romanians. -My pen is blue, ma'am.

Little, Balls.

Jesus Christ, get out! Come on, step outside, go!

Go! Move!

-OK, start talking. -It's all good, ma'am.

Packages should be ariving as scheduled, 100% pure stuff.

Distribution's details have all been taken care of.

-So... we're good to go. -What about the payment collections?

-Partially done. -Partially?

You see, ma'am, there are still business owners

that still insist to pledge allegiance to the cubans.

But this is why we brought these two Romanians.

So they can take care of that, one at a time.

Can you believe it? A woman's the boss.

OK, maybe there is a way I can forgive you.

What are you guys doing?

You taking selfies now, you faggots?

Come on... We gotta go. Let s go!

We go. You stay.

What does she want?

Bro, come here. Piciu...

Get back here! That's enough!

Dude...

Dude, I can't cheat on Sorana.

Don't be such a pussy! It's not cheating if she doesn't find out!

-I don't even know this woman. -Even better.

Hi, boys!

Mother of God.

You wanna have some fun?

I can't.

I'll take one for the team.

Not with me, idiot!

With him.

Holy Mother of God and Jesus!

Oh, my God!

No, miss, I cannot, I fear God, God is watching.

Jesus Christ is watching us.

He no watching!

-Do it! Didn't you want to fuck in Miami? -I can't fuck like this!

-I can't get hard. -You wanted to fuck.

-I don't have a boner. -Doesn't matter, get it in.

Mariana. I should call Mariana.

Quit thinking about Mariana, that's why you can't get it up.

Fuck him.

It's OK. He fuck, he fuck. No problem.

Fuck him. Go on.

It's OK.

Are you crazy? Don't fuck him!

Beat him!

-Beat him... -Beat him...

Fuck you!

Take that! And that!

Like that, motherfucker!

Stop it! Not like this!

With this!

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Thank you!

He's tough.

Now it's vagina time? Sex for me? With me?

Are you crazy? That's gross.

I'm not gonna have sex with you.

We're gonna have sex on you.

You wanted to go to Miami, Piciu.

Hey, my friend, is anybody home?

My friends, she inside. Good luck!

She like boom, boom. Hard.

Crazy. Is that round two?

I don't know how much more that weirdo can take.

Poor guys don't know what they're in for.

I didn't come to America for Misu to prostitute me.

For $4,000 a week, I'd prostitute myself, man.

I'm willing to work hard, but I'm no one's whore.

Yeah?

Boss! Things are getting pretty heavy here in Miami.

What happened?

Misu and Tony are involved in some pretty shady stuff.

Slow down.

Misu and Tony are involved in some pretty shady stuff.

-Wait, what are you doing? -To be honest, I don't know anymore.

We're at this lady's house now. Svetlana?

Svetlana?

-Oh, what a bad girl. -Really bad.

She made us beat up her husband for some kind of sex thing...

Sex?

Is that bastard cheating on me?

Chill, boss. We've got it figured out.

Don't fuck around with Svetlana, man.

Everything is under control.

We know how things work around here.

Be careful what you get up to, alright?

I gotta hang up, they're setting off firecrackers or something, I don't know.

He's cheating on me, right?

That's the last fucking time I hold the door open for anyone.

That's it, bro. We're done for. This is it.

Yeah, man, what's up? Why are you calling so late?

Hello?

Oh, shit.

Balls!

Is that my phone?

Balls!

That's my phone!

What should I say? Okay. Andres Iniesta.

Balls!

You remember me, you Chechen?

Bitch!

Hey, what the shit?

What this shit? What is... What this?

What is this?

Shut the fuck up, man!

Our men killed two of your bitches,

and now we get the third bonus fucking bitch!

Even that scared me.

You wanna know how your friend Svetlana scramed?

She gone now.

And you wouldn't believe what we found in her bedroom.

The GPS locations for all your cocaine pick up spots.

And a big wet dildo.

What?

You let in two cartel assassins, and you even held the door for them?

But in Romania is polite to hold the door.

I don 't give a shit about your Romanian bullshit.

I am fucking dead...

What I really wanna know is how you, Slovakian motherfuckers,

keep picking up cocaine in the ocean

but the cops never say shit.

-I am not Slovak... -Hey!

Hit him again!

Hit him again!

-What about my Balls? -Who gives a shit about your balls?

I got bigger problems than your damn balls.

-What do we do with this idiot? -This idiot is useless to me on his own!

He's alone!

That fucking Albanian!

Come on, pendejo! Make me rich!

-Hey... -What the...

Put X 2 on Real.

What the fuck did you say, cabron?

Asensio is shit. Put X 2 on Real Madrid.

Trust, it's OK.

Now.

You better be fucking right, man. If not, you...

I'm really sorry about all of this.

I know Tony says Ion is dead, but I know is not dead.

I don't know how to get down to the bottom of all of this.

Misu is more worried about stashing the money than anything else.

Poor Bilă...

That's what I'm talking about, man.

My fucking Ukrainean, motherfucker! We've just won, baby!

That's what I'm talking about!

You must be like a fucking magician, like a fucking telepathic.

You're as good as Shakira's beautiful ass, aren't you?

Shakira!

Shakira, hips don't lie.

That's what I'm talking about, man.

Me as a kid...

Me... I only have my hamster.

-You have a hamster? -Yes, Uzi.

He didn't even wanna come here.

-Uzi? -No, Ion.

Hurry up!

Help Ray with that.

Hey, when I finish this, can we go find Ion?

Listen, man, Ion is gone. OK? I mean that's been no call for ransom.

Amd these Cubans are really fucked up. I mean they're true psychos.

My bet is by now is dead.

No, this cannot be. Not dead.

Hey, you're alive, right? You made it, think about that.

So that is why ten small wins better one big win.

Fuck me, man! This guy's a philosopher!

I like your style, man.

Philosopher.

-We got to go. -Hey!

The promise?

What promise?

Ring, ring!

The phone... That's right, man.

Here you go.

Sweetie?

How's it going, honey? Doing well?

No. I'm not.

Some stuff happened.

The Albanian told me, something about some slut Svetlana.

Svetlana?

Svetlana is dead.

Rest in peace.

Oh! We have to pay the Albanian back in two days.

Fuck the Albanian.

Every time I call you it's "the Albanian this, the Albanian that".

I'm in this mess because of him!

What mess?

I tussled with some Cubans and they grabbed me.

And now...

I'm in their basement, and I don't know if they'll ever let me go.

Oh, God!

So what do we do about the money?

What money?

For the windows, Ion! We have to pay the Albanian 6,000 Lei.

What are you? Deaf?

Sorana?

Are you sleeping with him?

Really? You're out of your mind.

I am starving over here

and the mother of my child is sleeping with another man.

Who?

Oh, me! You're such an asshole!

The mother of my child is a slut and I am the asshole...

Are you calling me a mother?! I am a God fearing woman.

How can I sleep with him if I am pregnant?

It's been four days.

-Since? -Since he's been missing.

You're talking about Balls.

-Hello? -Hello, Mr. Eric, it's Ilie.

The guy with the flowers who works for Misu.

My friend Ion has been kidnapped.

The only thing you have to worry about is that you're getting 80 grand

for being Misu's hoe.

I will, but I need to know if he's alive to make sure I get paid.

But it doesn't look like you have the same problem.

No.

I want my money.

So, it's not my decision, it's not my problem.

I'll tell you what my problem is.

Misu's got four gals, 50 grand to get me my Romanians back

because I need two Romanians, not one. I need two.

Check out the philosopher!

Wake up!

-Oh, shit! -Fuck, man. He is dead.

Fuck me, man!

-I think I know where he is! -I think I know where he is! Come on!

My woman...

she cheat on me.

She no pregnant.

Is a lie.

My whole life... is a lie.

-I'm sorry, cabron. -I live happy life before America.

Poor life...

but happy life.

You see, my friend? I know how it goes, man.

That's just how the US is, man. It gives you every single opportunity,

but takes away any chance to make it.

But you're Bulgarian, man. You're tough, man!

-I am not fucking... -What?

Nothing, it's OK.

So Misu gave you all this money to save Ion.

I guess he needs Ion more than he needs 50,000.

Us, Romanians, we are like this. We always help each other.

And Misu knows that we can do good work for him.

Yep, he really needs you.

Because you're the rent.

The what?

You're what Misu pays Tony every six months for protection.

What fuck you say?

How do you think Mike gets all the dope safely into the country?

The Cubans, they're five times larger. Mike has three men.

It's all because of Tony's fucking badge.

But Tony also has a boss, and every now and then

he has to make an arrest.

So that makes us...

Yes, the next arrest.

Last year it was Vlad and Mihai,

and before that it was Răzvan and Dani.

-This looks like what my friend say. -We have to be careful.

Don't worry. I'm not an idiot. I always sneak like a ninja and...

What's up, motherfucker?

Yeah!

That's a lot of money...

Mike is a generous guy.

Paying us money that's already ours.

We want no trouble, just friend back, I swear.

You swear?

You're not gonna get your friend back, yo!

Please, this is all a misunderstanding.

They're not your enemies.

They're just two poor Romanians.

Oh, honey, you're very confused.

These guys aren't Romanian.

And you're never gonna see your friend again.

Yo, Garlic Goon!

There he is.

Hey brother!

Brothers...

You should know that in two minutes they're gonna draw the lotto numbers!

Two minutes?

Thanks.

What's up, asshole?

Juanita,

a very...

beautiful woman...

as always.

What are you doing? Are you high?

Let's go home. You're free.

This is my home.

What?

There's nothing waiting for me in Romania.

Not my woman. Not a child. No money. Nothing.

Here, I'm "The Garlic Goon."

I am a fighter!

I am a boss... I'm...

I thought it'd be like on TV.

Like maybe if I punched you you'd come to your senses.

Pici...

Thanks for coming.

But this is my home now.

This is my family.

My family.

Are you insane? What about Sorana?

Sorana? Sorana is gone.

May she rest in peace!

I mean, she was a good woman, what am I saying...

She was a slut, and she was dumb.

And she had stinky armpits, you have nothing to...

Sorana is alive, you idiot!

We're just not together anymore. She's with the Albanian.

She's not even pregnant anymore.

I mean, she never was.

Hey, look on the bright side! What if the baby had been a girl?

Motherfucker!

It's because of you I ended up here!

Garlic Goon!

Fuck...

you!

I came all the way here and risked my life to save you,

and you hit me?

I don't know what these Romanians are up to, but they've got fucking balls!

You're right, we gotta stay out of Budapest.

Yeah, they're crazy.

My Grandma was right.

Back home, I had something.

I had a girlfriend, a place to work.

-What you had was shit! -Shit?

Fuck you!

Get him!

Stop! Stop it! Enough!

Come on, man.

The only thing that matters is making sure you don't get arrested by Tony.

If Tony's a cop... You're marked. We can't be seen with you!

Fuck, man.

No, brother!

You keep Mike's money.

We are a family.

Fuck, man.

My brothers.

-Suck my dick. -Suck my dick, man.

Suck my dick.

Yes, suck my dick!

-Suck my dick. -Suck my dick.

What is sugi pula?

Sugi pulaare two of the most beautiful words in Romania.

It means "I love you".

Sugi pula, Garlic Goon.

Here!

Take this, is 50k. Just go somewhere and start fresh.

Fresh...

Why you lied to me?

You lied, from beggining, you lied. Why?

I...

I know.

I'm sorry.

I just...

I'm senseless to seeing people use each other.

Whether is for protection or money.

Everything in my life has been a lie.

But you're the first real person I've met in a really long time.

Well that's...

-You ate mujdei, didn't you? -A little.

Take care, guys.

-What do we do now? -There's nothing we can do.

We can't go back without passports, we can't stay here, or we'll be arrested.

I'm not leaving Juanita. She didn't leave us either.

She helped both of us. D o w n l o a d e d f r o m E x t r e m l y m t o r r e n t s . w s

-Right. -We have to do something.

Well, we've got $50,000.

We have to spend it very wisely.

-Do you know what it is? -No.

But this, you know what it is, right?

Welcome to Miami, guys!

Yeah? D o w n l o a d e d f r o m E x t r e m l y m t o r r e n t s . w s

Really?

And what do you want me to do, Albanian? What?

Where am I supposed to get 6,231 lei? Huh?

-Hi, Grandma. -Mrs. Grandma.

You either give us the hamster, or we'll fuck you up.

What? What hamster?

What hamster? Boys! Let's go!

To the windows!

To the windows!

You animal! Don't touch the windows!

That's it, guys! Break it all! Well done!

Make sure you don't accidentally put the good stuff D o w n l o a d e d f r o m E x t r e m l y m t o r r e n t s . w s

in the boxes for the cops.

Misu, relax! Doesn't have to be pure.

As long as we have 200 kilos of cocaine, we're fine.

Very important. Don't play with the wire, make Tony talk.

-Relax, chill and be super natural. -We're not idiots.

Hello!

This is very nice day for make drug sales.

Oh, did somebody say drug sales?

Yes, definetely the words that came out of my mouth

were drug sales.

Little? And Balls?

Yes! I bring Little to download many cocaine drug that is illegal,

so that you and partner in crime Misu sell.

-What the fuck are you doing? -Thank you, very well!

-Healthy, no wire, nothing, zero. -Thank you for your concern, Tony,

Corrupt policeman whose voice we hear right now.

No! Juanita...

Hey! Back the fuck up! Back up!

Now... Fucking smugglers! You know, that's bad.

That's a whole different ball game now, boys.

You know, next time you should bring me four Romanians.

Will keep my chief happy, my undercover expenses...

Should cut one out.

Let's see, who am I gonna kill first?

Maybe Little? Maybe Balls?

Little? Balls?

If you shoot now, we're fucked. Everyone will hear it.

I have an idea.

Omelet du fromage...

Croissant.

Oh, yes!

I've always wanted to use one of those. Do you mind if I do it?

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on!

Dude are you crazy?! You really gonna kiss me after you ate mujdei?

I can't believe this!

Don't forget what Grandma always says.

When things get tough, there's no shame in aiming right for the balls!

OK, let's go!

Police!

Go!

Get down, don't move!

Shut up!

Hey! Miami PD!

I've been recording these guys for years now! Relax!

I've been recording you!

Eric? So many layers of undercover, it's so confusing.

Come on, help me book these guys...

You know what's confusing?

Being a smuggler and a fucking cop. This is prison for life.

What are you talking about?

Brother, brother, but cheese is on money!

Fucking Little Balls, man!

So...

Get the fuck back! Right now!

Juanita, what the shit?

Come on, pull the trigger! Pull the trigger, motherfucker!

Kill two people. Pull the trigger. Pull the fucking trigger now!

Take me. Just take me, please.

I don't want to take you.

Like the DEA gives a shit about you, about a non-US citizen.

They're gonna storm the boat to save your little ass. Right?

Shut the fuck up and give me the boat keys now!

-Ion, don't help him! -Shut up!

Hey, Tony! We never show you ne-ve.

Don't move! Don't fucking move! Take him.

-I was... so scared. -Me too.

Suck my dick.

Me too.

Dude...

Your Grandma was right.

She usually is. What was it this time?

You really never know when you might need some bread.

Romanian bread.

Strong.

Those dummies landed like two hours ago.

They should be there by now.

Welcome to Miami! Welcome to Paradise!

Fuck me, they're dumb!