Original subtitles

THE GRAND DUKES

- Jean-Paul! - Hi, Eddie.

Taxi!

- "What is he doing?" - "He must be lost."

"He should be here."

"Irène, how nice! You look gorgeous!

"I'm a little late, it's true.

"Traffic is heavy. So I went by the kitchen.

"And it's shorter."

"What you did was unspeakable."

- "Lucien!" - "Enough, Irène."

"You shouldn't hit him."

"Trust me. That lout will bother you no more."

Where are you going?

- This is my... - Your what?

Voice gone, throat spray.

Be back soon, or you're fired.

I'll be back in half an hour! Of course.

- Have you seen the time? - I'm here now.

Give me my key.

- What key? - To my house.

- Listen, you'll laugh at this. - I've laughed enough.

You're not saying that you and I...

Leave me alone!

I like you, Eddie. But you're tiring.

- Are you Lajoie? - Yes.

I want you to do it more flabbergasted. You see?

Of course. With pleasure.

Flabbergasted!

"Who is it?"

"Does Mme Lajoie live here?"

"What is this, a convention? Can't you see I'm busy?

"Busy! You understand?"

"It's the 25th. And it's tonight."

"Tonight? Mme Lajoie lives on the 5th.

"Go on! And give her my best."

Goodnight.

Better. But you could be more stupid.

You see? Moronic.

Doltish.

I'll work on it.

See you tomorrow!

Can I have my money?

- You've had it. - Yes, but it's Tuesday.

I have to beg!

Like children.

Never get old. Don't make that mistake.

Papa, you promised you'd be good!

- Where are you going? - A meeting.

An absolutely huge deal.

The return of Victor Vialat!

"Bon appétit, gentlemen!

"O upright ministers!"

"May this day begin and end

"without Titus ever seeing Bérénice..."

Give youngsters a chance? You're joking!

I'm electrified, old chap. Taking off!

Farting flames!

- Vialat. - Yes. No.

Athès Agency?

You're keeping my fees. That's embezzlement.

I'm just keeping what's ours.

I shall have to change agents.

Then change!

If you didn't ask for advances,

you'd get your fees.

Bureaucrat!

No. Vialat.

- You have an appointment? - I've been waiting...

Hold the line, please.

Heard the latest? I'm going with Shapiron.

In Scoubidou,

with Carla Milo. Two months, then Paris, the Palais-Royal.

How are you? It's been ages!

I'm going with Shapiron.

Shapiron the younger...

I asked for 5 minutes' peace,

for crying out loud! Out!

- Sorry... - Close that fucking door

and don't come back!

You're too kind.

Be a little more... I'll see to him.

No! He was just...

Maude!

Yes?

I dreamt of you all night. We were naked.

What?

Sorry, I have Mr Carpentier...

Not him. Anyone but him!

What are you doing here? Haven't you retired?

Not at bit! I was travelling. Haven't you given up yet?

Are you joking? This is my boom period.

Well!

Hi, Eddie. All right?

You're Victor Vialat. Heard the latest?

- Vialat. - I'm going with young Shapiron

on tour. - Good for you.

Listen. It's a stroke of luck!

Scoubidou, it's called. Big production.

It is a comedy, though. With Carla Milo it has to be.

Imagine that!

An actor should never despair.

You're right. I cross my fingers.

It's almost signed. We go in 2 days.

I know my lines backwards.

- Backwards! - I hope so!

As you should.

You know old Danos? We're a trio.

They needed 3 pensioners.

- It's signed? - All but.

- All but? - Shapiron?

The son. The old man's dead.

That's absolutely wonderful.

Break a leg, chum. And I mean it!

Wait.

You know young Shapiron?

He can't be worse than his dad.

A youngster. Leave him to me.

Damn!

Is that him, there?

Looks like it.

Well! It's young Shapiron!

That's funny.

- Remember me? Vialat. - Carpentier.

We knew you as a tot.

I can see your father in you!

Same face, same warmth, eh?

The same.

We've taken up the torch again.

- How's business? - Tough.

- It seems so. - Touring is a trade.

You have to be born to it.

It's hereditary.

But what's better than a tour?

Nothing.

You've put on some nice plays.

Still the same nonsense. Same crappy jokes.

We play to packed or empty houses.

That's how Shapiron manages. He makes flops.

Mr Shapiron! They want to take everything.

I order you to settle the whole sum

or we must begin seizing...

You can see I'm in a meeting. Have some tact.

It's obvious!

What do you want?

- To help you. Scoubi... - Scoubidou.

What about it?

You almost hired actors who, unfortunately, may...

Paul Fichet and Danos Berton.

- So what? - They're no longer... well...

We'll do it for half.

- Half what? - Half price. 50 percent.

In a manner of speaking.

Are the Scoubidou contracts signed? Paul Thingy...

- Paul Fichet and Danos Berton. - Are Fichet and Berton signed?

It should go out today.

Cancel it.

They cut off the phone this morning.

I can't.

Post office! What do I pay you for?

Well, you haven't paid me for...

Yeah, right...

Won't work. Never mind.

- What won't? - You're two, we need three.

Two? There are three of us, obviously.

Where is he?

- Who? - The third!

Oh, he's... he's...

He's free.

- Who is? - Who?

Well, it's... It's... 1,000 if you get it.

500 says you won't get it.

It's... It's Cox.

- No. - Yes.

Yes. It's Cox. Indeed.

A kind of apple?

An actor, sir.

They don't make them like him any more.

There were several prodigies. Now there's only him. Georges Cox!

Exceptionally gifted. Yes. Exceptionally!

A giant. A mountain.

A mountain of bloody trouble!

He's a lunatic, a maniac.

No! He's a kind of...

Indeed... How are you?

I gave way on gas pipes and common parts!

I shall never yield on my walls!

Loser! We'll throw you out.

Nothingness! Dust!

Neighbours!

Barbarians!

He was mad, now he's dangerous.

I'm supposed to be noisy?! What cheek!

Soft wax!

Earplug!

Proximity has destroyed public-spiritedness.

Georges, do you recognise us?

You see now? Victor, Eddie.

We've something exceptional

to offer you. A wonderful play.

A dream. They want you at any price.

Shush! A child is asleep.

- Who? - A tiny Cox.

A pippin. Spitting image of me.

- Leave me alone! - Come back.

My daughter, my son-in-law. An odd chap.

My son.

Father of the boy.

You all right?

You have to watch it...

They stick pipes any old place.

Why are you demolishing it?

For the baby! It's best.

Inside walls

attract moles.

- He's gone loopy. - He always was.

I think he has a fucked-up gene.

Georges...

Would you like us all to act together? It'd be...

How much?

- How much what? - Per day!

Now you mention it...

Let's talk terms!

Staggering.

A tour for toffs!

The French provinces await with open arms.

Provinces? I never leave Paris.

Why not?

On principle.

It'd do you good to take the air.

I've a family to support. A captain doesn't leave his ship.

You need some air. You're all grey and wrinkly.

Provincial isn't my bag. No, gentlemen.

Here. "Scoubidou, taken aback: Really, Walter!"

You. "How much would you say?

"Walter, thinking: No more than 35.

"Scoubidou, about turn:

"I mean your cheque, not my age!"

"Walter: You're beautiful, Scoubidou.

"Scoubidou, backs off: Don't come near me!

"I'm claustrophobic.

"It can strike at any time!"

Come on!

Come on! Admit it. It's funny, isn't it?

I want to know how much!

No. That's not definitive. Just a vague project.

- What's this? - Where?

There!

That's... That's the price, isn't it?

A rip-off!

No! It's voluntary work.

I've never been offered that! Not even for workshops!

- Problem? - It's nothing.

Nausea on the bends. Travel sickness.

Stop this vehicle!

Come on. Let's have a sit down.

Amateurs!

It is a problem!

Don't be stubborn! All three of us are here.

Don't you feel alive again?

I feel attacked by crabs!

Stop!

Where are you going?

Home!

What did he say?

It's too far! You can't do this!

My basic rate is non-negotiable.

Mr Shapiron? Yes. No! Just an unforeseen event.

Cox. Cox! The new ones. A supplement.

11,000. Plus matinees.

He won't budge.

Don't forget to speak for me too, because...

Oh? Yes. Very well, Mr Shapiron.

That's settled. The answer's yes!

You're lucky to get young Shapiron.

A gentlemen, not like his father.

Moneybags. Loaded.

Fort Knox.

I'm busy!

- It's for the poster. - What poster?

Narbonne. They asked for a small format...

They asked for a small format? Here's a small format!

Will that do?

They'll never make Narbonne. They'll die on the way...

You want my photo?

A big pale blue leather case with straps.

- Try the back. - Can't you wait?

No. You obviously don't have circulation problems.

I have others.

Come on! We were in a play about an archbishop.

That was me.

You said I had a torso like a shot putter.

That wasn't me.

That's a shame.

Mr Janvier? Toutain, house manager.

Hello. OK?

We'll have a height problem for the lounge.

- No problem. - You're sure?

Because we have bookings...

We weren't introduced. I'm your administrator, Marceau.

Francis.

Where's the phone?

I'll see.

No. Victor Vialat.

I saw you in La Berezina.

- The cook. - No. The hairdresser.

Wasn't that pre-war?

- No. After the war. - At your age,

still on the road. Great!

Yes.

Here she is!

Here she is, all right.

Who's the jerk with her?

Eyetie car, arse-licker... He's the director.

Thin waist, creamy complexion,

flared chest. I quite like women in dark glasses.

It makes them enigmatic

and therefore a joy to defile.

Spare us your pubescent dreams,

there's a good chap.

I'm sorry. The provinces excite me.

Maître Levigan, bailiff.

Open up, in the name of the law!

Take me. Don't leave me!

Hold the door. Fight!

My life means nothing without you.

Scoubidou starts in 2 days.

Huge budget. I'll screw them all.

- Shitty theatre! - I'm coming too.

I've got savings. It's all yours. We'll manage.

Let go of me, you're slobbering!

That's six minutes. You'll be crimson.

30 seconds! I look like a cheap envelope.

No!

Clémence.

What do you think, honestly?

You look great,

Carla. Try to relax a little.

I can't.

Will they come? Will they still like me?

"It's a tragedy, a blunder..."

"Mummy, there's a strange man in my bedroom."

Victor!

What do you think? Moving, no?

Rather large, perhaps.

- You know your lines? - I'm the doctor.

A doctor's a doctor. What more do you want?

Yes, but...

- I won't rape you. - I need to be alone.

You're a notary. Be notorious. Deliver those lines.

Lines are for dullards.

I hear there's a hotel twice as cheap near the station.

- Damn it, Cox! - You didn't tell him?

I didn't dare.

Good God! Where is he?

Who? The mental-looking one?

We don't want a character analysis! Where is he?

I forbid you to come near me! What's that thing?

A costume problem! There's a problem.

Georges, open up.

We're your friends. We're one big family.

Don't bring my family into this!

You will not sully them, you hear?

- He took it badly? - He went purple.

He was goggle-eyed. He broke a table.

Do something!

You're responsible.

I'm not a lion-tamer!

You brought the maniac!

He'll listen to you.

- You wanted to take him. - Won't you try?

He won't dare hit a woman.

I'll never go back in there!

Hold this.

Georges?

Georges, it's us. We're here to...

No, gentlemen!

I shall never capitulate before folly.

Not at that price, anyway.

It's a matter of the fee. Make a small effort.

- Put yourself in his shoes. - OK, anything you like.

- He agrees. - Well, then!

It'll be all right when his blood pressure drops.

It was nerves.

What's wrong? Is there a problem?

Haven't you read the 2nd act?

Scoubidou asks me to replace her sister-in-law.

In the 3rd act, I'm Ophélie.

An actor can play any role.

Places for the links!

This won't do. Look at that.

If it's too much, we'll lose the mezzanine part.

"Dear madam! If you only knew!"

We're not there yet!

Oh? But we say it.

"Auntie said you're a charlatan."

"I will not have that, sir. I have diplomas."

Will I have my bag?

Yes. Go on!

"I am Doctor..."

That's all fine. Perfect.

Carry on like that.

Right! Continue.

"As for your auntie, I...

"Since she got back from China, she's gone loopy."

No. "Gone mad".

If you keep interrupting, I'll go.

I am acting, sir.

You have come in.

"I can guarantee that the first twit..."

"Dear madam! If you only knew!

"A tragedy! A blunder! A catastrophe!"

You do Scoubidou. Come here! Stand there.

"I lost your sister-in-law."

Yes! Excellent!

Perfect!

Go on.

"What?

"Who are you?"

Don't act like a dish of noodles!

Stir yourself!

- But I was told... - Rhythm!

Movement! From your guts!

"I am the Sainte-Clotilde notary...

- "Did you know I was..." - Yes, OK!

You come in on: "Xavier will be here any minute..."

The boy has whooping cough.

What boy?

Mine.

I just spoke to the doctor: 39.8°.

And I'm 654 km away. Thank you!

"Xavier will be here any minute.

"I cannot do without Ophélie."

"I was sick with worry."

- Scoubidou? - For now.

And I am...?

- Who am I? - Walter.

Walter... Walter...

"I came as quickly as I could.

"You're still as bewitching."

The tranny from the 3rd floor. Great!

The queen will be a hit!

I kiss on the line or the caesura?

Wherever you want!

We don't care!

Nor do I, mind you.

You're out of the bedroom!

"You are the acupuncturist."

I can't concentrate when someone's reading a paper.

Call the queer back when you've finished.

Are you the stand-ins?

- What? - The replacements.

Yes.

Great. Very funny.

Inject some colour. Make it swing.

You have to smile.

Why?

What?

I never smile without knowing why.

If I say smile, you smile.

But why?

I want a clear explanation!

Why do I smile?

Because...

Because what?

Because the set is bright.

Hello, everyone! Ready?

No butterflies, no blackouts?

- Mademoiselle Milo? - Yes?

Telephone.

Yes. Indeed.

It's going very well.

I'll let you do the dance.

What dance?

Why are we meeting here?

- It's safer. - Safer than what?

Carla, Carla!

You're everything to me. A mother, a light.

It was so lovely, I was so young. You totally...

Took my virginity.

Let's change the subject.

- I've a deal for you. - A new play?

- Holidays. - What?

- Paid ones. - I don't get it.

The jackpot, fleecy-lined.

- 10%. - 10% of what?

The insurance. We stop Scoubidou.

- Sorry? - Tonight. Second act.

You faint.

As dead as a dodo.

Is this a joke?

Panic. Doctor. A quack.

Bacterial infection. Six months' rest.

Report.

No more Scoubidou. Finished.

The insurance pays me a fortune!

You're asking me, Carla Milo, to lie down on stage?

Let's run off together.

That's revolting.

- 15%. - You're...

I'm... in dire straits.

I have nothing. No car.

No watch. Here I stand.

Without a bean.

And whose fault is that?

My father's!

He made me do these shitty tours.

Forced me. I hate the theatre.

I hate travelling.

You ask me to pretend to be ill!

Well, break a real leg, then!

I won't abandon my audience.

20%.

Nothing. I'm ignoring you.

25%. And that's my last word.

Go, and may I never see you again. Monster!

Asking me to lie down! Cretin! I'm at my peak.

I want to be loved. Quick!

Love me, audience. Love me. Take me.

"Raoul! Raoul!"

Red leather, yellow leather...

"Are you there, my dear?

"I shouldn't have a small husband. I'm always losing him.

"Raoul!"

"Did you call, darling?"

"I told you not to stay out in the sun with your glasses.

"You look like an owl."

Sound the horn on "notary".

"What time is the notary coming?"

Pat, I'm not cut out for this. I'm too scared.

"Mummy, there's a strange man."

Wholewheat... Whoopee... Whooping cough:

"Contagious disease, bouts of fever,

"spasmodic cough, sometimes convulsive and...

"stifling."

- Am I bothering you? - No. As if!

I know that, usually, the administrator

is a whipping boy.

But I'm used to it.

It's odd.

Have you noticed how you can feel alone on a tour?

And yet...

everyone's here, all living together.

We travel together.

But at night, you're alone in front of the mirror.

Always.

I'd like us to be friends, Georges.

It's occupied!

I can't do it.

I'll make an announcement.

I don't know!

I'll explain.

"Maître Alibert. Yes, I'm the notary."

"I'm the notary." That'll do.

No, it won't.

Any remedies for stage fright?

- No, I've never had it. - What do you do?

I'm all knotted. I feel like I'm about to faint.

Breathe deeply.

Think of something else.

He says that he's going!

- Who? - The big madman! He's packed up!

Good God!

Help me!

Shut up, arsehole!

"Oh, God! What a day!

"I'll remember this little weekend..."

Leave me alone!

"...by the sea!"

Get him out!

You can't bugger it up!

I have personal reasons. Drive!

I'm blocking you!

We can't spend all night.

- What reasons? - He was pushy.

- What? - Pushy!

- Who was? - A man.

- Is he coming? - Not yet.

What? Where?

He touched me in the wings.

He was just teasing.

I'm too old to be felt up in dark corridors.

You've dyed your hair.

No! Not dyed. Just livened up a little.

Come on, come on!

Stop!

Forget it. He's chickening out.

He's not even capable.

He has naught in the knackers!

In the...?

Knackers.

I'm from a family of performers who never back down.

- Don't get upset. - Coxes never run.

For 18 years, my father was the speaking clock.

He was the first to do it.

So...

- Have you seen him? - Who?

The third, Vialat. He's vanished.

I don't believe it!

"Ah, Walter! I was sick with worry."

"I came as..."

"Quickly as I could, but..."

"...Quickly as I could, but...

"my...

"Car. Car."

"...car isn't amphibious."

- "Is sir the buyer?" - "No, he is."

"Yes! I am the buyer.

"I feel at home already.

"Your eyes! Intoxicating."

"The buyer of what?"

Stop fidgeting. "The buyer of nothing.

"The acupuncturist came to prick me."

"You haven't changed, Scoubidou.

"Still as entrancing."

"The acupuncturist! Just in time."

"I am your wife's husband, monsieur."

"Well, the husband...

"Walter always exaggerates."

"You wouldn't have seen a notary?"

- "Where is my sister?" - "Expected.

"Any news of Ophélie?

"Raoul! Raoul!

"Heel! Raoul!

"They'll drive me up the wall."

"Mummy!

"Mummy!

"There's a strange man in my bedroom."

"Don't worry, darling.

"It's your age."

- He's here! - I'm cold. Call the doctor.

- I don't want to! - On stage, old chap!

Let me go. Let me go!

I don't want to. I don't know what to say.

"If you only knew...! It's a tragedy!"

"If you only knew...! It's a tragedy!"

I'll never manage.

- "If you only knew..." - Knock!

"Come in!"

"Madam! If you only knew...!"

No?

"Dear madam! If you only knew...!

"A tragedy, a blunder, a catastrophe!

"I lost your sister-in-law."

"What? Who are you?"

"I am Maître Alibert.

"I am Maître Alibert,

"the Sainte-Clotilde notary!

"I was at my practice when your brother..."

"My husband."

"Sorry!

"I get a phone call. I open the safe.

"I take the documents.

"And I hurry to the station.

- "And there..." - "And there?"

"I hear the Lunéville train has been diverted to Guingamp."

"To Guingamp?"

"To Guingamp!"

All right?

Good God! Beard!

- Sorry? - Beard, beard. Woman.

Catastrophe.

"Ophélie! Are you there, darling?"

"I am ready.

"Do what you will...

"with me."

"That's settled, then."

The fuckers!

"Good God! It's...

"Scoubidou!"

Scoubidou, she sends us wild

We're partial to Scoubidou, Scoubidou

Keep your hands off Scoubidou

She's our child, Scoubidou, Scoubidou

Scoubidou is not for you

She's our treasure, Scoubidou

Hands off, you

We're attached to

Scoubidou!

Thank you.

It's a triumph!

Ovations, tidal waves!

Austerlitz, Stalingrad! Montélimar!

Drinks for everyone! Arse,

tits and cakes...

- You're not from round here? - No. Not really.

Yes. But 38.5° isn't normal.

But you were good too. Modern, neutral.

Very good. Come here!

Let me kiss you! You're handsome!

I like living with you

I like your little head too...

Three morons! Where did you get them?

This is unheard-of!

They're sabotaging my tour.

I was humiliated.

I won't be ridiculed by three arseholes!

There was the odd weak spot...

Incapable of getting one line right!

They're no longer in the cast.

Find me professionals for tomorrow night.

Problems?

You'd best not come it.

You only know one word in five!

In the theatre, you judge an actor by his silences!

Call Shapiron. We have to get the original three.

Tomorrow.

It was the trapdoor. She couldn't bear the failure.

But it falls on us now.

Old men are easy prey.

We've played one night. That's a pretty short tour.

Maybe we put her in the shade somewhat.

We upstaged her.

All actresses become psychopaths, more or less.

No. I hadn't warmed up.

You can't judge people on one night.

One or a hundred,

it's all the same. It's a tourist problem.

- What kind? - Tourist.

They don't visit the ruins.

The ruins, my arse! I'm not old!

I swell, I overflow!

I am in flood. And I piss on them all!

I will not go home. I won't go.

Never again. Go and fetch her.

Who, old chap?

That bitch! Eva Braun!

- Tell her I'll jump. - It's only a metre.

I don't care!

What?

A vision.

What kind?

Have you worked in improvisation?

Depends. How much for?

Shouldn't we go over it?

I'm not amnesiac. You want improv?

You'll see what we can do with nothing.

A mac, a train platform and tricks of the trade.

- Have you got toothache? - Warming up, supple jaw.

Here they are!

Remember? Always look ahead.

No details. Straight to the point.

Come on, make a fist of it!

I'm not happy about this. Look at him.

No, I can't.

Excuse me. Aren't you Scoubidou?

- Yes, we got a call... - Weren't you warned?

We were asked to be here by noon.

Did nobody call you this morning?

What's he telling them? It's a proper conference.

I'm your administrator. Tonight's show is cancelled.

The troupe left at dawn. We're in Concarneau tonight.

Concarneau? That's the end of the world!

Get on the fucking train!

Change in Orléans. We'll be there by 6.

Orléans? This is crazy!

Crazy!

The gormless idiot stuck them on the train.

But he's a good man. Gormless but good.

So you had problems with the other three?

Frightful. A disaster.

Two, especially. Hairy lunatics.

We had to let them go. Come along!

What can I say? He's staggering.

Staggering!

- No, he didn't! - I don't believe it.

You have to face facts!

He's not like anyone else.

He'll have to leave his brain to science.

Come on!

Georges, are you OK?

Why did you go like that?

I had a blackout.

It happens with improv. You get carried away.

Of course. In improv.

You know you were... gothic.

Earthy.

Aubenas! Its grande place!

Its inert gas!

Its double bass!

They should have been on the 12 o'clock train. Where are they?

They must have got lost.

You don't get lost, you get off.

Sorry!

We have to make an announcement.

Don't worry, I'll see to it.

I've seen some morons in my time.

But nothing to beat you.

The curtain rises in 30 minutes.

We'll never make it. We'll have to refund them.

I hope we haven't forgotten anything!

Good God!

If we get up steam, we can catch the 8.40 train.

- You! - Don't worry!

We're going. We only came...

We'll hire you.

- How much? - Sorry?

Yes. How much?

We already discussed that.

I didn't. Did you?

No. But...

we can discuss it if you like.

Our public awaits.

But you asked us to leave, madam. So we are.

We were stressed out. It's forgotten.

Forgotten... I seem to remember "arsehole".

It was just an image.

There's a booking mix-up.

We'll give you a raise. Cash on the nail.

Come on!

"Dear madam!

"My dear...

"...madam! If you only knew...!

"A tragedy! A blunder!

"A catastrophe!

"I lost...

"your sister-in-law."

"What? Who are you?"

"I am Maître Alibert, madam,

"the Sainte-Clotilde notary.

"I was in my practice..."

You must shave!

I said no and I mean it. Now drop it!

"I go to the safe,

"hurry to the station,

- "And there..." - "And there?"

"I hear that

"the Lunéville train has been diverted to Guingamp."

"To Guingamp?"

"To Guingamp!"

Shit!

"Come with me."

"Well, sir, I laugh in your face."

"How vulgar you can be, Doctor!

"Doctor, I absolutely must...

"show you the pigeon loft."

"The pigeon loft! You and I alone in a pigeon loft!

"Not even in my wildest dreams would I dare..."

You're not saying your lines!

Don't touch me! You're trampling on my nerves.

You've no right to gesticulate.

I wouldn't gesticulate like that if...

If what?

If I...

wasn't in love with you.

How dare you? You know who you are?

Eddie Carpentier.

Exactly, you...

It's obscene!

"Now, this house must be sold before tonight."

"That's impossible. Your sister-in-law isn't here."

Let go of me!

- Make an announcement! - You do it!

Call the firemen!

I can't see. Turn on the light!

What did she say?

Curtain, for Christ's sake!

Never! I'll see it through. Lights!

"There is work to be done, of course.

"Now, this house must be sold

"before tonight."

"But that's... that's impossible!

"Your sister-in-law isn't here. Is she, though, but?"

I'm not backing out. I'm just saying

I wasn't hired for stunts under chandeliers

or trapdoors. It should have been stipulated.

- It's a different rate. - We've tripled your fee!

"Ophélie! Are you there, darling?"

All right, then. But go on!

Fixed-rate or index-linked?

"Ophélie! Are you there, my darling?

"Ophélie.

"You were all I needed, darling."

"I am ready. Do what you will... with me."

"Well that's settled, then!"

"Good God! It's...

"Scoubidou!"

- I waited. - Leave me alone.

Is it your silhouette? Your strength?

You must go. My life is in danger.

I can't bear it. I saved your life once.

I'll do it again if need be.

I'll be your armour.

Manners! You want thanks?

Thanks. Don't take advantage...

And I would ask you

not to come near me for the rest of the tour.

No! Go away!

How fast you go! How fast you go!

Do you like backgammon, Georges?

Look, old chap.

Just get off my case.

Got that? My case.

Incredible!

I don't want to!

Take me!

- Where do we eat? - I'm not hungry.

I'm being tracked by a homosexual. The lights are falling on us...

It's becoming tedious!

Get out of here! Go on!

Harder!

Nobody must ever know.

Nobody. Ever.

No?

Pathetic!

His sex life!

He's just explaining.

I knew it would come to this. Fondling,

petting in the corridors.

- Knicker contests! - He didn't pet her.

He shagged her.

I just think it's childish.

It's not even kitsch, it's banal.

But how...

Did you ask her?

You have to act on love at first sight.

All barrels blazing:

gondola, mandolin, flute!

Indeed, gondola. I'm sorry.

We get on. It's physical.

She might be a tad mental, I do admit.

There are two types of women:

mental ones and sly ones.

The only way to handle her is to pull out all the stops.

What stops?

Curtain!

Love reaches out to you.

Love is a limp handshake. It always slips through my fingers.

But it sets traps too.

Yes! Traps. That's my fault.

I feel so alone.

In an empty aquarium.

You see me through the glass, but no one is near.

I'm here.

I'm near you. You're too sentimental.

That's why I'm in this job, I'm too sentimental.

What does it say? Money, a cruise, Prince Charming?

There are steps, a ladder or stairs.

Stairs?

Avoid stairs.

I am not staying here a minute longer.

Finally, Carla, it's you...

It's over. I'm risking my life here...

There's no danger...

My life is in danger. But you don't care.

No! On the contrary!

You think I can't see through your little game?

You're trying to abuse me.

- That's despicable. - Oh, yes!

Let's abuse.

- What's this? - A fantasy.

- You worry me. - Nothing is too good for you.

Georges.

Can I sleep in your room?

I had a nightmare.

- Can I sleep with you? - I'm asleep! Try the queer.

It's next door.

He'd be thrilled.

Shapiron?

The degenerate son. He's after me.

He's organising the tour.

He's not, he's sabotaging it.

- He drops chandeliers. - What?

Chandeliers!

That's enough from you, thanks.

- Was the trapdoor him? - Of course it was.

Now?

- Don't you have any cash? - Take it all.

Take me.

Köszönöm!

Come, my beauty!

He's capable of anything.

- I'm here, honey. - Morally, I can't.

Hold me tight! I'm scared.

Go away!

No. This is my bedroom.

You break me in two! My brute! My wild man!

Black jacket!

"Well, that's settled, then."

"Good God! It's...

"Scoubidou!"

No dance. It'd kill her.

Don't piss about!

Ladies and gentlemen,

my fellows and I

would draw your attention

to the often difficult, sometimes frightful, conditions

in which we do our job.

As proof, just look at the pitiful state

of our fellow, who, despite multiple contusions,

insisted on appearing tonight,

and whose awful suffering, I'm sure,

cannot but stir a response.

So I and the troupe

will pass amongst you

and count on your generosity

for the actors and the theatre. Thank you.

I'm very glad about the whip-round.

It's clean, tax-free, no commission.

We'll do it tonight.

Every night seems a bit much.

You've been

scuffling with the neurotic.

- She's quite a woman. - Neurotics,

chandeliers, trapdoors... It's getting totally surreal.

This isn't a tour. It's a ghost train.

Good morning.

I wanted to say goodbye.

We're coming.

No. I'm going back to Paris. I'm leaving the tour.

What's all this?

You don't quit a play halfway through.

Is it the pay?

No.

I'm giving up acting.

No...

It's not how I imagined.

I thought it'd be more...

Well, I imagined it differently.

But that's no excuse.

We imagined things too, didn't we, Georges?

Come.

Come.

I don't believe it!

You don't give up the boards. You have to hang on.

Look. We're hanging on.

Like suckers.

It's not just that. There's Pat.

If there's Pat...

Anyway, he's always sleeping with the dresser.

Really?

It's often to pass the time. It's not...

What will you do in Paris?

You might find a nice little job if you're lucky.

But you'll regret this all your life.

Look.

Honestly, don't we look happy?

Yes.

Maybe the boy is shy, he doesn't dare.

Just put him at ease. That's all.

We wanted to say something, Pat.

Mademoiselle Milo? Phone call for you.

First on the right.

What? Nobody knows I'm here.

It's me.

- Where are you? - Everywhere.

I never give up. I stick like glue.

You mental case!

You've dislocated my arm. My elbow's cracked.

You'll pay. I'll crush you like a turd.

You have to go down.

- Never! - 30%.

Nothing, you impotent bastard!

I need cash.

Don't let me down.

I'll never give up this play.

A disappointment, darling?

Piss off! This isn't the time!

What can I say?

I think it's time I settled down.

If you mean with old mother Milo, you'd better hurry.

Given the havoc she's wreaking! She's coming unstuck.

You'd be a widower in two days.

Why two days?

Come with us, monsieur.

Don't make a scene here.

Easy.

This way.

Around 60, 65.

An ordinary old man. A bit flighty.

He's raving.

No! I...

No. No weapon.

Of course. We'll work on him. Call you back.

Let's go. Name, address, age,

marital status.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Thank you, sir.

Your ticket, sir.

Thank you. Come with me.

- It's Shapiron. He's the one! - Sit down.

I have to warn them. He'll...

Remain seated.

Just look at me. Can't you see this is a blunder?

Have pity! Sorry!

Scoubidou!

OK, all right. Calm down.

Have you heard of Scoubidou?

That's me. Well, no, it's not me.

"I am the Sainte-Clotilde notary."

I asked your name. You do have one?

Of course! Victor Vialat. Conservatoire.

Classical repertory, avant-garde plays, tragedies, comedies,

historical characters.

I'm an actor, gentlemen.

"Bon appétit, gentlemen. O upright ministers!"

"Scoubidou!

"Still as bewitching."

"Where am I? Be frank. Hide nothing from me.

"In what place, at what site have I landed

"like an aerolite?"

"I absolutely must show you the pigeon loft."

"May this day begin

"and end without Titus

"ever seeing Bérénice!"

- Run! - Uneducated torturers!

Same to you!

Stop!

Stop! You must stop him.

Stop!

"But why, Scoubidou?"

"I guarantee that the first twit to come through that door..."

"Dear madam! If you only knew...!

"A tragedy! A blunder!

"A catastrophe!"

Guns. He's here.

With a gun.

- "Sister-in-law." - Who, what, where, how?

Shapiron.

"Sister-in-law."

"I lost your sister-in-law."

He's going to shoot.

- Get down. - Never.

"My sister-in-law? What?"

Where is he?

"And who are you?"

"I am...

"Maître Alibert.

"To Guingamp!"

"To Guingamp!"

"To Guingamp!"

"To Guingamp!"

Bollocks!

"Call the station instead of standing there."

Berks!

Quick! He's buggering it up.

Do you mind? I'm speaking.

- "I'll show you the pigeon loft." - "Take me there."

"Very well."

"I can hear shouts..."

Not a bloody storm! Not now!

"I am ready. Do what you will... with me."

"Ophélie! Are you there already, darling?"

That's enough!

He's there. Block the exits!

And hide!

We're fucked!

Go on, fire!

I shall die on my feet, on stage.

No, come on!

It's personal. I'm waiting.

There he is!

I'm waiting.

Fire!

We've got him.

Chickening out. Coward!

Girly!

Don't laugh. It's not funny.

I'll agree to lie down. I'm stopping. I won't play.

- Shut up! - I've done nothing.

Where did they put...

Move it, you puff!

- Go on! - I couldn't.

What are you doing?

- Pity! - Move!

- Come down! - Lie down!

Never!

Get down!

I want this play to stop.

I shall never stop this play so bugger off out of here!

Get down, you cow!

Sorry?

He's going to shoot me.

No! Hang on!

He's bluffing.

40%!

- Nothing! - I don't care!

I'll count to three. One...

One...

- Two... - Two...

Move! Stop him!

We'll catch him.

No! Not you! Put that down now!

The other side.

Go round. We'll use a pincer movement.

I'd rather not.

Best stay together.

I said "pincer movement"!

You're no longer part of the cast.

Drop it.

Not the axe! Don't be silly!

Let that man go!

Never!

I'll waste all actors!

I hate you all! Pariahs! Thieves! Moneygrabbers!

Pincers! I'll come a cropper.

Move, you!

Vertigo! Go around.

Move or I fire!

Bollocks!

You're all fired! Retirement!

Shapiron will win!

45%. I can't do more.

My love!

Oh, you!

Victor!

- Weren't you scared? - No, I've a head for heights.

- Bravo! - It was nothing.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight,

one of our fellows will not get up.

Once again

the theatre has struck an obscure but devoted soldier.

A cheerful companion,

exemplary,

fiery, inventive

with a brilliant future, cut down

in the prime of life.

But he will leave the memory of a man, a friend,

who fought to entertain you.

So before the show can go on,

as it must, we will pass amongst you

and throw ourselves upon your generosity.

You are Mr...?

Brami. I'm expected.

Yes. Sorry, sir. I have a Mr Brami.

Very well, sir.

You're expected.

Come in!

Dear Brami, how nice!

Well?

I brought the latest adaptation which is more...

Condensed?

Condensed. Exactly.

In fact, I took it upon myself to...

To...?

Cut out the first act.

- It wasn't the best. - You're right.

It was too...

Hollow.

Yes. Hollow.

That's it.

It was... it was hollow.

Now you're on stage all the time.

It looks totally different.

It's less untidy.

Now it's...

Apart from the barrier problem...

What barrier?

- Won't the language barrier be...? - No.

We're exporting our style, not our vocabulary.

Give us an extravaganza!

Put your bloody guts into it!

Inject some colour. Make it swing.

As far as that goes...

People are waiting to catch us out.

It's our shop window.

And a shop window has to sparkle.

You are mine!

- No! - I want you.

- Oh, yes! - Not now!

- Carla! Hang on! - You'll kill yourselves.

Come on, Carla!

A quick whip-round?

A whip-round.

A quick whip-round.

Subtitling - Henry Moon for TELETOTA