Original subtitles

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Department's-- Department

restrooms are strictly-- Visitors are reminded not to--

K9: Have they ever had a careers day before?

-That's why it's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

K9: I don't like it.

-K9, hang back.

-We've never recruited like this before.

-You keep saying the Department needs

to be more open and transparent.

-And you've always rejected it.

-It's like water on a stone, June.

Eventually it would have some effect.

-Yes.

Over several lifetimes.

-Clearly your words have a touch of acid.

ANNOUNCER: Visitors are reminded to follow

their official escorts at all times.

Department restrooms are strictly--

-Hey.

ANNOUNCER: Visitors

to stray from the official Department tour.

-We're starting to move.

K9: Take care in there.

-Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege

to welcome you to the Department on this unique occasion.

My name is Inspector Thorne.

Before we begin, let me run you through a few rules.

There will be no stragglers.

There will be no questions along the way.

Do you understand?

-Can we ask questions at the end?

-I said no questions.

-Does this count as a question?

-Grow up, Starkey.

The Department is a multi-national security

facility, offering career opportunities in the UK,

the Americas, the Pacific Union, and other lesser known

countries.

The same cutting edge technology the Department developed

for the KZT Typhoon Early Warning System

now also keeps us secure on the domestic front.

This innovative technology--

-I knew he was a creep, but I didn't

know he was a boring creep.

K9, where to now?

K9: Go back down the corridor the way you came in.

Quite certain you want to go on with this?

-Yes. Get us to Thorne's office.

K9: Calculating quickest route.

I'll have it for you in 2.3 seconds.

Turn right just ahead.

-CCPC.

K9: Is that the first one you've seen?

-In here?

Yes.

K9: This is too good to be true.

Suggest you abort the mission.

-Negative, negative, negative.

Always so negative. K9: Affirmative.

It matches with the Department.

Always.

Right again. Just ahead.

-Yeah, come on.

Quick.

K9: Be quick.

-Go, go.

I've got the door.

-This looks interesting.

What's this?

K9: Don't touch it, young master.

It's highly dangerous. No, don't--

[scream]

-Starkey?

K9: Darius?

-Starkey.

K9: Darius, whatever you do, don't look at the picture.

Take the picture and get it back to Gryffen.

Don't look at it.

-Professor.

We were relying on you to warn us.

-I warned you every step of the way.

-Prof, we're in trouble.

Well, Starkey's in more trouble than the rest of us.

He's been sucked into thing, um--

-A library card from Ukko.

-Hey, no, don't! Don't look at it.

You'll be sucked in there, too.

-K9, could you bring you up to speed on this?

Slowly.

-Starkey used the careers day to get into the Department.

Darius and Starkey gained access to Thorne's office too easily

for my liking, discovered this, and when Starkey looked at it,

he disappeared inside it.

-What a stupid, dangerous, hare-brained--

-I did try to warn them.

I think it was a set up.

-By Thorne?

-Affirmative.

-What's our next step?

-We need a mirror.

-Sir.

-How exactly did two kids manage to escape

from a secure building in the city?

-Sir, our orders were to give them the run of the place

so they would find their way to your office.

-I know what your orders were. I gave them.

I was just hoping that when they stole a precious artifact

and a run for it, you might have at least asked

them why they were in such a hurry.

-Sir, until you countermand your order, we let them--

-Here's an order I won't countermand.

Get ready to ship out.

-Sir?

-You're going the Mortalian Mines-- for the next 20 years.

Dismissed. -Yes, sir.

-Is that Starkey?

-Of course it is.

-He's so far away.

-Is there anybody out there?

Anybody?

K9? Jorjie?

Gryffen?

Darius? K9!

-K9?

How does it work?

-I have only fragmented data.

The Ukkans are a race of librarians

who have completely mastered--

-K9!

-Or should I say mistressed, since they're

all woman, the art of archiving.

They can reduce a whole world to an infinitely compressed

hologram, which they file in their archives

as a library card.

-But why do they do it?

-Because nobody else will.

They're preserving endangered planets in holographic form.

-And this is such a card?

-This is the library card of the barren planet Irlick.

-Are you saying inside that frame is a whole world?

-It's like when you zip a file on a computer,

you squash the data.

-So how do we get Starkey out?

-We would have to speak to a librarian.

-How do we do that?

-I don't know.

-So Starkey could be trapped in there forever?

-Can I have a word?

-It's always a pleasure, June.

-I've just received a heads up from our alien technology

infantry.

Did you or did you not uplift an Ukkan library card?

-That's an interesting way of putting it.

-What are you doing with it?

-I'm exploring its properties for use by the Department.

Something you yourself should have been onto.

-It's an extremely dangerous alien artifact.

We've already lost three scientists.

-The subject I'm using is completely expendable.

-Is that the base of the card?

-I believe it is.

-Where's the card?

-Is that light blinking faster?

-Affirmative.

-Right.

[doorbell]

-Darius, get the door?

[cough]

-Who-- who who-- uh, who are you?

-You sound like an owl.

But you're a boy, aren't you?

-No, I know what I am, but what are you?

-She's exactly what we're looking for.

Please, come in.

-Thank you.

-Welcome.

I'm Professor Gryffen.

-I am Yssaringtintinka.

Well, this place needs a good tidy up.

Not to say cataloging.

-Yeah.

Well, your timing is impeccable.

We need your assistance to--

-No, no, no, no!

-Oh, I've become immune over millenia.

It's all right.

I won't export you.

This is Irlick, the last planet of the Kantorkian galaxy.

Taken from our archives by Huskian pirates.

Is there somebody in there?

-Yes. A boy.

-Oh, dear.

-We are afraid for his safety.

-Well, my concern is for the planet, not the boy.

The risk of contamination is--

-Contamination?

-If this boy leaves anything behind--

-She means if--

-I know what she means.

-Sorry.

-Does the contaminant have a name?

-His name is Starkey.

And I would rather you didn't refer to him as a contaminant.

-Can you get him out?

-Where's t plinth.

-That's all we have.

-The card should have a bed.

I can extract him using the retriever,

but only if the card is on the plinth.

K9: It's still in the Department.

-Well, come on, everybody.

Let's go get it.

-I'm afraid the Department doesn't like

people just dropping in unannounced.

-Can I look into the card with these?

-And you'll be able to talk to the contaminant, too.

I suggest everybody puts them on.

-Should I, um, tell him that, too?

-Yes. Would you?

-Hey, Starkey.

-Darius?

Is that you?

-Yeah, and K9's right beside me.

-Hey, K9.

Miss ya, fella.

-Affirmative to the nth degree.

-Darius, can you get me something to drink?

It's really hot in here, and I've

only got a small bottle of water.

-Ah, no can do.

It's probably not a good idea, anyway.

You're n allowed to, um, leave anything behind.

-Anything?

-Nothing from inside you.

-Oh.

OK.

-He's dying of thirst in there.

We're going to have to get him out fast.

-Thirst is the least of his worries.

The cards have a fail-safe feature.

The portal closes after two hours.

-After two hours?

-It's customary to knock.

-I've just been to see Lomax.

He says you'd better have a good explanation

for interfering in alien technology.

-Oh, I have a good explanation.

As the forces of chaos increase, our prisons

are bursting at the seams.

I want to use Ukkan technology to put all the lifers

in a prison that requires no upkeep.

No wardens, no exercise yard, no ping pong

tables, no parole, no nothing.

We warehouse them forever.

We don't even need to lock them in at night.

-You're insane.

-Insane?

Maybe.

But in charge?

Certainly.

-In charge?

So where's the card?

-Not far away.

-That's good.

Because Lomax wants it back within 12

hours, or your resignation. Your choice.

-Starkey's in there.

-Terrible, isn't it?

Irlick is so fragile.

-Well, we've got to get him out.

-We need to do a deal with Thorne.

We'll offer him the card, as long as he gives

us the plinth to get Starkey out.

-K9's right.

We've got to work the angles.

-He'll never keep his side of the bargain.

-Well, if he's gonna lie to us, you'll have to lie to him.

-Me?

-You'll have to do it, professor.

-I don't like lying.

-It's for a good cause.

-I'm aware of that, but I'm a scientist.

And science is the pursuit of truth.

Perhaps there's another way.

-I'm a machine.

The truth is just software, isn't it?

-I don't understand why you're so

careful with the truth when your house is so messy.

-That doesn't make any sense.

-Tidiness comes before truth.

-Professor, the clock is ticking.

Please?

[ringing]

GRYFFEN: Thorne.

-You've got something of mine, and I want it back.

-Go on.

-If I come and take it from you, people will get hurt.

So I'm offering you the chance of handing it over.

-Let me outline how everything stands,

so we're all on the same page.

Fact.

You have stumbled onto a technology you want to exploit,

and you don't know how.

So you set up an entrapment.

Fact.

You can do nothing with the technology

unless you have more information.

How am I doing?

-Why am I talking to a robot dog?

-Because I am your best and only option, and I

can sweeten the deal.

-Go on.

-We've come by goggles which will protect you

from being sucked into the card.

-Interesting.

-And we can offer you an Ukkan librarian

as a consultant on an exclusive basis.

THORNE: Who is this librarian?

-My name is Yssaringtintinka.

Who are you, you ugly, bony man?

-You're no oil painting, yourself.

-So, do we have a deal, Inspector Thorne?

-I'm really angry you didn't tell me earlier about Starkey.

-He didn't want to let onto you about

being in the Department because--

-Because I would have wanted to join in?

-Exactly.

See?

-Can I just have a look at the picture

to make sure he's all right?

-It's too hazardous, Jorjie.

-Well, what about these interruptor goggles?

-The librarian disabled them.

-Why?

So now what?

-I want to see the card.

-Don't you trust us, inspector?

-I wouldn't take it personally.

I don't trust anybody.

-Come and feast your eyes.

-Won't I need interruptor goggles?

-Where are my manners?

Clean slipped my mind.

-Inspect this, inspector.

[scream]

-The goggles [inaudible]! -Happy landings!

-Double crossed us.

Look who's talking. -Big surprise.

-Please don't do that.

-Neat is best.

-I like it my way.

-You Earthlings are so untidy.

GRYFFEN: June?

-You're going to need me to get into the Department.

And you must be--

-Yssaringtintinka. -Hello.

I'm June.

You've come a rather long way, I hear.

-Yuko is Forten Dendorum Parysingosel's way.

-Yes, I bet it is.

-You know what this place is?

-It's hot, and it stinks like rotten eggs.

-It's gonna be a prison colony.

Guess who the first inmate is?

-Surprise me.

-You.

-You're the second?

JUNE: Thorne, it's me.

June.

-Get me out of here!

-I don't think you're in a position to demand.

I'll be going into your office to get the base of the card.

-Inspector!

Don't make me angry.

-Be polite, or you'll be in there

for the term of your natural life.

-You going to drink all of that?

-Planning to.

-I'm thirsty, too.

-Tell someone who cares.

-You've got no gratitude, have you?

-Who to?

-If it weren't for me and the Department,

there'd be nothing left for you to rebel against.

-I'll tell you what I'd be grateful for.

-Come on.

-If you'd dress better.

That shirt is so skanky.

-You ill-mannered brat.

-I mean, you look like you're selling funeral insurance.

K9: Uh, miss, uh, Yssaringtintinka?

We've only got three minutes before the portal closes.

-You can't hurry this sort of work.

Where they stand is crucial for the extraction

to be successful.

-Ah, ah, ah.

-Give me the water.

Now.

-Or what?

You'll put me in prison on an uninhabited planet?

-Can you two knock off the arguing?

We're trying to get you out of there.

-Move right.

-My right?

-Your right.

-Come on, move it.

And by the way, it's my right, not yours.

-Both of you, stop it.

-Everyone's right.

-It's not working.

Move all the way to the left.

-Are you toying with me?

-Come on, let's go.

-No.

K9: Please expedite matters.

Less than two minutes to go.

-Inspector, do what the librarian says.

She holds all the cards.

Do you realize that?

-You like this place?

YSSARINGTINTINKA: Hold it there.

-You must hurry.

Portal closing, 40 seconds.

-It doesn't like two separate entities.

Could you put your arms around each other and become one?

-What did she say?

-Just do it, inspector!

-Come on.

Doesn't mean we're going steady, or anything.

Come on.

Have you been eating onions?

Garlic?

-10 seconds.

-I suggest that we all step back.

-I am going to have you all arrested.

-Thorne. Is that your name?

If I hear that you have harmed any of these good people,

I will erase you.

-Can you do that?

-And there's another thing I take very seriously.

Overdue library cards.

And you're way overdue with Irlick.

You deserve erasing for that alone.

-I didn't get a reminder notice.

-Don't push me.

You humans don't deserve this lovely planet.

-Ah, that's better.

-You've made such a mess of it.

-Oh, um, thanks very much, library lady.

-It was a pleasure retrieving you.

I can't say the same for this ugly, bony man here.

I've got my eye on you.

Show me out, please.

Why don't you come back with me?

We're short of men on Ukko.

-I'm tempted, but uh-- the tidy thing might be a problem.

-Are you sure?

-I am tempted, but I'll pass. Thank you.

-So, did you miss me?

-I'm a cybernetic robot.

I do not experience emotion.

Much. -Whatever you say.

K9, do you mind? -Sorry.

-I missed you.

[theme music]