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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,322 --> 00:00:04,888 ‐ Previously on Future Man... 2 00:00:04,912 --> 00:00:07,644 ‐ Another escape on your watch, Saint Jackalope? 3 00:00:07,668 --> 00:00:09,393 Sooner or later, we will get them 4 00:00:09,417 --> 00:00:11,857 and when we do, you'll be out of a job 5 00:00:11,881 --> 00:00:13,401 and a family. 6 00:00:13,425 --> 00:00:15,782 ‐ Albino bear of legend. ‐ Whitey is a myth. 7 00:00:15,806 --> 00:00:17,326 No. I will kill Whitey. 8 00:00:18,645 --> 00:00:19,998 ‐ We've gathered here to sign 9 00:00:20,022 --> 00:00:21,759 this peace and trade agreement. 10 00:00:21,783 --> 00:00:24,967 Turns out she was a dame. 11 00:00:24,991 --> 00:00:26,595 And so am I. 12 00:00:26,619 --> 00:00:27,976 ‐ I think we're looking at temporal decay. 13 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,475 Time overlapping, 14 00:00:29,499 --> 00:00:31,356 future and past existing simultaneously. 15 00:00:31,380 --> 00:00:34,151 ‐ This version of you tried to stop bin Laden before 9/11. 16 00:00:34,175 --> 00:00:35,697 He ended up giving him a time machine, 17 00:00:35,721 --> 00:00:37,408 and now time traveling bin Laden is on you. 18 00:00:37,432 --> 00:00:40,790 ‐ God? ‐ No, my friend. 19 00:00:40,814 --> 00:00:42,459 ‐ Osama bin Laden? 20 00:00:42,483 --> 00:00:45,283 ‐ Guilty as charged. 21 00:00:47,786 --> 00:00:49,432 ‐ No, no, no, no. 22 00:00:49,456 --> 00:00:51,352 No, no, no, no, no. 23 00:00:51,376 --> 00:00:54,818 ‐ Are you not happy to see me? 24 00:00:54,842 --> 00:00:56,697 ‐ Fuck no! 25 00:00:56,721 --> 00:00:59,035 You're Osama fucking bin Laden! 26 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:02,416 ‐ Yes, you know me? I'm the voice in your head. 27 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,007 Here, let me help you. ‐ No, don't touch me! 28 00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:05,464 Don't touch me! 29 00:01:05,488 --> 00:01:07,259 ‐ Oh, I see what's happening here. 30 00:01:07,283 --> 00:01:10,098 You're confusing the nice me 31 00:01:10,122 --> 00:01:12,771 with the naughty me from your timeline. 32 00:01:12,795 --> 00:01:15,652 ‐ Naughty? ‐ But I'm not that guy. 33 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,824 Another you saved me from becoming him! 34 00:01:18,848 --> 00:01:21,414 ‐ So I'm like reverse SEAL Team Six now. 35 00:01:21,438 --> 00:01:23,333 ‐ A Josh came to me at university. 36 00:01:23,357 --> 00:01:27,617 He called himself J1, but you know him by a different name. 37 00:01:28,535 --> 00:01:30,515 The Josh with the nut for the face. 38 00:01:30,539 --> 00:01:32,396 ‐ Nut‐face. ‐ He told me about, 39 00:01:32,420 --> 00:01:34,981 you know, the thing with the planes, 40 00:01:35,005 --> 00:01:37,319 and that I could choose a different path. 41 00:01:37,343 --> 00:01:39,750 So I did. I don't even believe in God. 42 00:01:39,774 --> 00:01:41,912 ‐ You‐‐you lied to me. 43 00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:43,793 You told me I had a divine purpose. 44 00:01:43,817 --> 00:01:47,464 ‐ I said purpose, you filled in the divine, bro. 45 00:01:47,488 --> 00:01:50,387 ‐ But you‐‐you told me that you were God. 46 00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:51,688 Didn't you? ‐ Nope. 47 00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,477 I never lied to you. 48 00:01:53,501 --> 00:01:58,027 I told you I was a friend, and I was here to help you. 49 00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:00,996 All the God stuff, that's on you, my friend. 50 00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:02,662 ‐ No, we are not friends! 51 00:02:02,686 --> 00:02:04,248 ‐ Of course we are! 52 00:02:04,272 --> 00:02:05,668 I'd like to think we've developed 53 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,799 a nice little rapport in a short while. 54 00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:12,055 Besides, me and the other Josh were the very best of friends. 55 00:02:12,079 --> 00:02:14,268 ‐ Uh‐uh, that is impossible! 56 00:02:14,292 --> 00:02:16,063 ‐ Is it? 57 00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:19,863 During our time together, he told me many things. 58 00:02:19,887 --> 00:02:23,244 Things one would only tell their B... 59 00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,539 ‐ No. ‐ F... 60 00:02:24,563 --> 00:02:25,920 ‐ No, don't say‐‐ ‐ F! 61 00:02:25,944 --> 00:02:27,962 You were nine years old. 62 00:02:27,986 --> 00:02:30,676 Your second grade class went on a field trip 63 00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:33,223 to Mission San Juan Capistrano. 64 00:02:33,247 --> 00:02:36,020 You snuck an extra churro at snack time, 65 00:02:36,044 --> 00:02:38,651 and then two more. 66 00:02:38,675 --> 00:02:40,530 And they didn't sit well, did they? 67 00:02:40,554 --> 00:02:42,371 ‐ Stop it, stop it, stop it! ‐ Hmm? 68 00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:43,869 You dookied your pants 69 00:02:43,893 --> 00:02:46,340 halfway through that afternoon's tour 70 00:02:46,364 --> 00:02:47,919 of the bell tower, 71 00:02:47,943 --> 00:02:51,384 and then you stripped off your soiled underwears 72 00:02:51,408 --> 00:02:54,933 in the bathroom, snuck out behind the mission, 73 00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:59,066 and buried the evidence in a soldier's grave. 74 00:02:59,090 --> 00:03:00,695 ‐ No, no, I never‐‐ I never... 75 00:03:00,719 --> 00:03:01,905 ‐ Tell the truth. ‐ That didn't‐‐ 76 00:03:01,929 --> 00:03:03,036 ‐ You'll feel better. 77 00:03:03,060 --> 00:03:04,953 ‐ It was a cemetery! 78 00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:07,416 You're supposed to bury things in cemeteries! 79 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,213 ‐ And you never told anyone. 80 00:03:10,237 --> 00:03:12,175 Only me. 81 00:03:12,199 --> 00:03:14,659 Your best... 82 00:03:16,249 --> 00:03:18,759 ‐ Friend. ‐ Forever! 83 00:03:20,592 --> 00:03:22,182 ‐ 84 00:03:27,856 --> 00:03:29,418 You were supposed to be God. 85 00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:30,799 You were supposed to take me home! 86 00:03:30,823 --> 00:03:33,009 ‐ The home I promised you is real, Josh! 87 00:03:33,033 --> 00:03:34,470 I can still take you there. 88 00:03:34,494 --> 00:03:36,481 ‐ You're a liar. ‐ I never lied to you. 89 00:03:36,505 --> 00:03:38,771 I never will. 90 00:03:38,795 --> 00:03:40,900 There's a place where the nut‐faced Josh and I 91 00:03:40,924 --> 00:03:43,572 spent a great deal of time. 92 00:03:43,596 --> 00:03:45,158 A refuge off‐the‐grid, 93 00:03:45,182 --> 00:03:47,538 beyond the reach of the Time Constables. 94 00:03:47,562 --> 00:03:49,208 It's a place where you told me 95 00:03:49,232 --> 00:03:53,257 you felt most at home in the world, 96 00:03:53,281 --> 00:03:54,928 where you felt safe. 97 00:03:54,952 --> 00:03:59,521 No running, no hiding. 98 00:03:59,545 --> 00:04:02,085 That's the home I was talking about. 99 00:04:05,724 --> 00:04:07,444 ‐ Keep talking. 100 00:04:09,648 --> 00:04:13,716 ‐ It's called Haven. 101 00:04:20,252 --> 00:04:22,483 ‐ Any idea how much wampum 102 00:04:22,507 --> 00:04:24,904 that shoddy pelt presentation cost us? 103 00:04:24,928 --> 00:04:28,455 Just at casual glance, I see burrs, blood from its entrails. 104 00:04:28,479 --> 00:04:31,543 I mean, would it have killed you to zhoozh up its fur a bit? 105 00:04:31,567 --> 00:04:34,214 ‐ Mmm, false outrage. Classic tell. 106 00:04:34,238 --> 00:04:37,429 You're just upset I interrupted your little world summit. 107 00:04:37,453 --> 00:04:38,891 ‐ Summit? 108 00:04:38,915 --> 00:04:40,811 More like a child's birthday party. 109 00:04:40,835 --> 00:04:42,272 ‐ Right, right, right. 110 00:04:42,296 --> 00:04:44,796 Well, you printed it in 40 languages. 111 00:04:46,012 --> 00:04:48,482 ‐ We never got that front right. 112 00:04:50,437 --> 00:04:52,668 Wait. 113 00:04:52,692 --> 00:04:54,379 You hear that? 114 00:04:54,403 --> 00:04:56,551 ‐ Yeah. 115 00:04:56,575 --> 00:04:59,306 Nothing. 116 00:05:09,016 --> 00:05:12,976 ‐ 117 00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:35,963 ‐ Time Cops did this. 118 00:05:35,987 --> 00:05:37,800 ‐ We don't know that. 119 00:05:40,997 --> 00:05:42,667 ‐ We do now. 120 00:05:43,669 --> 00:05:45,482 ‐ Shit! Run! 121 00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:12,495 ‐ Fine, fine, I admit it. 122 00:06:12,519 --> 00:06:14,958 I chaired an international trade conference. 123 00:06:14,982 --> 00:06:18,507 Watching helpless people suffer in their tiny lives 124 00:06:18,531 --> 00:06:22,430 when the answers are so obvious is excruciating. 125 00:06:22,454 --> 00:06:24,686 So yeah, yeah, I'm guilty. 126 00:06:24,710 --> 00:06:26,776 Guilty of feeling a moral obligation 127 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,568 to help the people around me. 128 00:06:28,592 --> 00:06:31,579 ‐ What was the typeface you wanted for that pamphlet? 129 00:06:31,603 --> 00:06:35,373 ‐ Copperplate Gothic. It's classic, timeless. 130 00:06:35,397 --> 00:06:37,437 ‐ Name one person at the summit. 131 00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:42,930 ‐ I wanna say, uh... 132 00:06:42,954 --> 00:06:45,393 Chief, uh... 133 00:06:45,417 --> 00:06:46,771 something‐something. 134 00:06:46,795 --> 00:06:47,982 ‐ Okay. 135 00:06:48,006 --> 00:06:51,046 Futturman! It's go time! 136 00:06:52,431 --> 00:06:55,401 Fuck. 137 00:06:58,903 --> 00:07:01,926 Pus residue. Half‐crust. 138 00:07:01,950 --> 00:07:04,891 Maybe twelve hours old. 139 00:07:04,915 --> 00:07:07,605 No, no, it's ten, and he left in a hurry. 140 00:07:07,629 --> 00:07:09,399 ‐ With the TTD. 141 00:07:09,423 --> 00:07:12,158 ‐ Son of a... okay, why would he do that? 142 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,535 ‐ Probably to get attention. 143 00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,286 I don't wanna point fingers, 144 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,480 but you haven't been around much. 145 00:07:18,651 --> 00:07:21,467 ‐ Oh, so you abandoned him, just left him for dead? 146 00:07:21,491 --> 00:07:23,929 ‐ He's so annoying. ‐ You don't have to tell me. 147 00:07:23,953 --> 00:07:27,083 Why do you think I'm out there covered in bear shit every day? 148 00:07:30,967 --> 00:07:34,032 They breached the maple grove. Let's move. 149 00:07:34,056 --> 00:07:35,577 ‐ Lose 'em in the riverbed? 150 00:07:35,601 --> 00:07:36,957 ‐ No, no, there's no losing them. 151 00:07:36,981 --> 00:07:38,249 They're in my woods now. 152 00:07:38,273 --> 00:07:41,171 Let's hunt. 153 00:07:41,195 --> 00:07:45,304 ‐ You might catch a hint of lavender. 154 00:07:45,328 --> 00:07:49,038 My own mix, hand‐foraged. 155 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:59,834 ‐ It might be better with‐‐ ‐ A little honey? 156 00:07:59,858 --> 00:08:02,297 I told you, I know you. 157 00:08:02,321 --> 00:08:07,161 And now, at last, we can leave this foul time behind together. 158 00:08:09,544 --> 00:08:13,319 It's just a matter of entering these coordinates 159 00:08:13,343 --> 00:08:15,893 into your neural tesseract. 160 00:08:17,392 --> 00:08:19,999 If I could just... ‐ No, no, no, no. 161 00:08:20,023 --> 00:08:22,089 I think I'll be holding onto the TTD, 162 00:08:22,113 --> 00:08:23,660 Time Traveling bin Laden. 163 00:08:24,991 --> 00:08:28,349 ‐ Okay, just trying to help. Teamwork. 164 00:08:28,373 --> 00:08:30,673 ‐ It's all right. I got this. 165 00:08:50,876 --> 00:08:52,438 They're in. 166 00:08:52,462 --> 00:08:54,906 ‐ So now press the button and take us to Haven. 167 00:08:54,930 --> 00:08:56,533 ‐ Okay, you know what? Slow your roll. 168 00:08:56,557 --> 00:08:58,910 All right, if we do this, and I'm only saying if, 169 00:08:58,934 --> 00:09:00,541 you and me, we are back to square one. 170 00:09:00,565 --> 00:09:01,916 You understand? 171 00:09:01,940 --> 00:09:04,714 We are not BFFs, we are barely even Fs. 172 00:09:04,738 --> 00:09:06,759 ‐ I'm‐‐I'm fine taking it slow. 173 00:09:06,783 --> 00:09:08,680 See where it goes. 174 00:09:08,704 --> 00:09:11,821 You make the first move, just know the answer is always yes. 175 00:09:11,845 --> 00:09:15,694 ‐ And where we're going is a real utopia, 176 00:09:15,718 --> 00:09:18,407 off‐the‐grid of space and time 177 00:09:18,431 --> 00:09:19,997 where the weather's always perfect, 178 00:09:20,021 --> 00:09:21,585 and you want for nothing? 179 00:09:21,609 --> 00:09:23,710 ‐ Don't forget the women, Josh. 180 00:09:23,734 --> 00:09:26,591 Or‐‐or men. Your choice. 181 00:09:26,615 --> 00:09:28,637 Bet you didn't expect Osama bin Laden 182 00:09:28,661 --> 00:09:29,911 to be cool with that, huh? 183 00:09:31,750 --> 00:09:33,020 ‐ Yeah. 184 00:09:33,044 --> 00:09:35,514 You are full of surprises, OBL. 185 00:09:39,974 --> 00:09:41,104 ‐ 186 00:09:44,901 --> 00:09:46,798 Well, well, well. 187 00:09:46,822 --> 00:09:48,872 Isn't this cozy? 188 00:09:55,422 --> 00:09:57,318 ‐ You know, I just got these woods set up perfectly, 189 00:09:57,342 --> 00:09:58,869 my own personal forest of stabby‐trees, 190 00:09:58,893 --> 00:10:01,034 and now we gotta leave because of you 191 00:10:01,058 --> 00:10:02,996 and your out‐of‐control ego. 192 00:10:04,607 --> 00:10:06,253 You know, time travel's really changed you. 193 00:10:06,277 --> 00:10:08,090 ‐ Me? Look at you. 194 00:10:08,114 --> 00:10:11,311 Salivating over your next kill like a dingo at a daycare. 195 00:10:16,464 --> 00:10:18,554 ‐ Yeah! 196 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,087 Well, I guess if a tree falls in the forest, 197 00:10:26,111 --> 00:10:29,090 it does make a sound. 198 00:10:29,114 --> 00:10:32,388 Splat! 199 00:10:32,412 --> 00:10:34,122 Oh, great. 200 00:10:39,176 --> 00:10:41,114 ‐ 201 00:10:41,138 --> 00:10:44,348 ‐ Don't you just love the sound of spike impaling body? 202 00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:47,480 Hmm. 203 00:10:49,572 --> 00:10:52,178 Oh, that's what I call sticking the landing. 204 00:10:52,202 --> 00:10:54,892 You know what I mean? 205 00:10:54,916 --> 00:10:56,813 ‐ I barely recognize you. 206 00:10:56,837 --> 00:10:59,735 You used to be, well, not nice, 207 00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,697 but you had interesting facets. 208 00:11:01,721 --> 00:11:03,450 ‐ I still have facets. ‐ Murder doesn't count. 209 00:11:03,474 --> 00:11:04,667 ‐ Well, I like trapping‐‐ 210 00:11:04,691 --> 00:11:06,083 ‐ Trapping and hunting are just 211 00:11:06,107 --> 00:11:08,105 more palatable words for murder. 212 00:11:14,873 --> 00:11:17,186 ‐ Hey, fuck‐nose. 213 00:11:19,883 --> 00:11:22,405 ‐ You had purpose, you had drive. 214 00:11:22,429 --> 00:11:24,869 You were an avenging angel fighting for a cause. 215 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:27,206 ‐ Yeah? And what good did that do? 216 00:11:27,230 --> 00:11:28,960 Get a bunch of people killed? 217 00:11:28,984 --> 00:11:30,931 Soldiers under my command, check. 218 00:11:30,955 --> 00:11:32,593 Untold billions, check. 219 00:11:32,617 --> 00:11:34,345 I tried, I failed. 220 00:11:34,369 --> 00:11:36,016 ‐ So what? 221 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,460 Now you're just a junkie looking for their next fix? 222 00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:49,919 ‐ I made it rain blood. 223 00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,254 Ohh. 224 00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:01,066 Okay, are you ready to divide and conquer? 225 00:12:01,090 --> 00:12:02,778 I'll take those three down to the River Styx. 226 00:12:02,802 --> 00:12:04,827 Those are my sharpest sticks, by the river. 227 00:12:04,851 --> 00:12:06,704 ‐ Fine, fine. I'll kill the big guy. 228 00:12:06,728 --> 00:12:08,455 ‐ Okay. Hey, hey, hey! 229 00:12:08,479 --> 00:12:10,167 Meet back here when everyone's dead. 230 00:12:10,191 --> 00:12:11,571 All right, go, go, go! 231 00:12:19,669 --> 00:12:21,776 ‐ Your stride says all business, 232 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,905 but that skirt says you like to party. 233 00:12:23,929 --> 00:12:28,597 Nevertheless, I'm gonna take you down, Gigantor. 234 00:12:33,279 --> 00:12:34,967 Oops. 235 00:12:34,991 --> 00:12:36,554 That's step one. 236 00:12:42,172 --> 00:12:43,651 That's step two. 237 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:50,540 Oh, emotionless cyborg. 238 00:12:50,564 --> 00:12:52,460 No matter. 239 00:12:52,484 --> 00:12:54,590 You are not gonna like step three, my friend. 240 00:13:07,305 --> 00:13:10,015 What the fuck? 241 00:13:21,458 --> 00:13:24,065 Okay. 242 00:13:24,089 --> 00:13:26,194 Gut punch! 243 00:13:26,218 --> 00:13:29,200 Ow. 244 00:13:29,224 --> 00:13:31,604 I said gut punch! 245 00:13:34,192 --> 00:13:35,652 Gut punch? 246 00:13:37,407 --> 00:13:40,747 Oh, no! 247 00:13:41,833 --> 00:13:43,843 Tree slam. 248 00:13:55,986 --> 00:13:57,799 ‐ She's in the trees! 249 00:13:57,823 --> 00:13:59,928 Run! ‐ Where is she? 250 00:13:59,952 --> 00:14:01,809 ‐ I can't see her! ‐ She blinded me! 251 00:14:01,833 --> 00:14:04,358 ‐ My God, she's everywhere! 252 00:14:04,382 --> 00:14:06,357 ‐ My insides are out! 253 00:14:06,381 --> 00:14:08,368 ‐ Is she even human? 254 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,145 ‐ Susan. All right. 255 00:14:25,169 --> 00:14:27,736 ‐ The second I saw you mumbling to yourself in that goo, 256 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,324 I knew you must be getting help from the one dickhead 257 00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:34,539 who escaped The DieCathlon before. 258 00:14:34,563 --> 00:14:38,421 Time traveling Osama bin Laden. 259 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,050 ‐ Guilty as charged. 260 00:14:40,074 --> 00:14:42,061 ‐ I am not going back to that elevator. 261 00:14:42,085 --> 00:14:44,726 ‐ I'm not here to take you back there. 262 00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:47,235 I'm here because we can help each other. 263 00:14:47,259 --> 00:14:49,861 ‐ There is nothing that you could possibly offer me 264 00:14:49,885 --> 00:14:52,408 that I could possibly be interest‐‐ 265 00:14:52,432 --> 00:14:55,205 medi‐goo! You brought me medi‐goo! 266 00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:56,667 Oh, oh, God! 267 00:14:56,691 --> 00:14:58,336 Oh, God. 268 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,215 Get in there. 269 00:15:00,239 --> 00:15:02,929 Oh! Oh, oh! 270 00:15:02,953 --> 00:15:04,440 ‐ You like that goo? It's good, huh? 271 00:15:04,464 --> 00:15:06,536 ‐ 272 00:15:10,761 --> 00:15:12,801 I haven't brushed my teeth in like six months, okay? 273 00:15:14,434 --> 00:15:16,164 ‐ Drop the mug, Osama. 274 00:15:16,188 --> 00:15:18,126 Drop it! 275 00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:20,965 ‐ Don't trust him, Josh. He lied to you. 276 00:15:20,989 --> 00:15:23,369 Remember, I never lied to you. 277 00:15:24,162 --> 00:15:26,685 ‐ That's true. 278 00:15:26,709 --> 00:15:29,299 You tricked me so many times. Why would I trust you now? 279 00:15:30,759 --> 00:15:32,969 ‐ Because... 280 00:15:34,517 --> 00:15:36,830 I'm risking everything to be here. 281 00:15:36,854 --> 00:15:39,460 If the dickwads at the network knew I was here, 282 00:15:39,484 --> 00:15:42,431 I'd be deader than the version of him that perpetrated 9/11, 283 00:15:42,455 --> 00:15:46,182 and then was killed ten years later. 284 00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:47,602 That's a long time. 285 00:15:47,626 --> 00:15:49,940 ‐ Again, it's not me. Different guy. 286 00:15:49,964 --> 00:15:51,780 He sounds like a real piece of shit. 287 00:15:51,804 --> 00:15:54,498 ‐ Okay, okay. So‐so what do you want from me? 288 00:15:54,522 --> 00:15:55,952 ‐ 289 00:15:55,976 --> 00:15:58,248 Same thing he does. Haven. 290 00:16:00,151 --> 00:16:03,581 And you're gonna help me destroy it. 291 00:16:04,618 --> 00:16:08,143 ‐ 292 00:16:12,801 --> 00:16:16,117 - Yeah, okay. 293 00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,704 ‐ Oh, shit. 294 00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:20,751 I see you for jammed up with step two there. 295 00:16:20,775 --> 00:16:22,985 Is that ice cream? 296 00:16:23,740 --> 00:16:26,429 Ugh, pistachio. The worst. 297 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,266 ‐ He's a machine. 298 00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:30,730 And not the way I call Stallone a machine. 299 00:16:30,754 --> 00:16:32,817 An actual machine. 300 00:16:32,841 --> 00:16:35,071 ‐ All right, come here. Come on. 301 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:38,829 ‐ 302 00:16:38,853 --> 00:16:40,750 ‐ Okay. 303 00:16:40,774 --> 00:16:43,129 Shit, is that an orbital fracture? 304 00:16:43,153 --> 00:16:45,258 God, I gotta meet this guy. 305 00:16:45,282 --> 00:16:48,502 ‐ Hey, you were right. 306 00:16:49,625 --> 00:16:52,147 I don't care about helping people. 307 00:16:52,171 --> 00:16:54,903 I just wanna see my name in lights. 308 00:16:54,927 --> 00:16:57,324 Thought it'd be neat to have my own flag. 309 00:16:57,348 --> 00:16:58,827 Here's a mockup. ‐ Oh, okay. 310 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,351 Right here. 311 00:17:01,439 --> 00:17:03,086 Oh, yeah. 312 00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:05,677 I like the use of our resistance colors. 313 00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:08,579 ‐ Yeah, never forget my roots. ‐ Hmm. 314 00:17:13,589 --> 00:17:16,112 ‐ You were right too. 315 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,074 I'm a natural born killer. 316 00:17:18,098 --> 00:17:19,665 It's just it's what I'm great at. 317 00:17:19,689 --> 00:17:22,332 It's what I love to do. 318 00:17:22,356 --> 00:17:27,009 I think it might be the purest expression of, uh... 319 00:17:27,033 --> 00:17:29,096 Me. 320 00:17:31,291 --> 00:17:33,131 ‐ What have we become? 321 00:17:36,259 --> 00:17:38,036 ‐ The best versions of ourselves? 322 00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:39,534 ‐ Totally. 323 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,454 The pressure of all our time travel escapades 324 00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:43,335 has turned two lumps of sewer coal 325 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:46,380 into a couple big‐ass princess cut diamonds. 326 00:17:46,404 --> 00:17:49,414 ‐ So why we beefing? 327 00:17:52,668 --> 00:17:54,355 Josh. 328 00:17:54,379 --> 00:17:56,359 ‐ I mean, day one, we knew we had the wrong guy. 329 00:17:56,383 --> 00:17:58,489 ‐ How much training does one guy need? 330 00:17:58,513 --> 00:18:00,997 Just handle yourself in a fight already. 331 00:18:01,021 --> 00:18:03,357 ‐ I think he genuinely doesn't like hurting people. 332 00:18:04,357 --> 00:18:06,295 ‐ I can't work with that. ‐ I know, I know. 333 00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:07,926 In Josh's case, three's not a crowd, 334 00:18:07,950 --> 00:18:09,385 it's a cancer. 335 00:18:09,409 --> 00:18:11,472 ‐ Mm‐hmm. So we agree. 336 00:18:11,496 --> 00:18:14,562 We find him, give him one last courtesy jump. 337 00:18:14,586 --> 00:18:16,107 ‐ Yeah, but only one. ‐ Of course, of course. 338 00:18:16,131 --> 00:18:17,819 And then we ditch him somewhere. 339 00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:19,240 ‐ There's a backdoor at Cedars 340 00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,660 with a "no questions asked" policy. 341 00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:24,711 My friendship with Charlie Sheen pays off again. 342 00:18:24,735 --> 00:18:27,714 ‐ And then we go and, uh... 343 00:18:27,738 --> 00:18:29,592 live our best lives. 344 00:18:29,616 --> 00:18:31,513 ‐ That's a great plan. 345 00:18:31,537 --> 00:18:33,559 It's gonna kill Josh. ‐ Well, you know what? 346 00:18:33,583 --> 00:18:35,776 At some point, baby bird's gotta leave the nest. 347 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,151 ‐ And no matter how much resistance he puts up, 348 00:18:38,175 --> 00:18:39,738 we have to stay strong. 349 00:18:39,762 --> 00:18:41,908 ‐ Yup. ‐ 350 00:18:41,932 --> 00:18:43,495 Let's move. 351 00:18:43,519 --> 00:18:44,998 That thing's coming back any minute, 352 00:18:45,022 --> 00:18:47,379 and we don't wanna be here when he does. 353 00:18:47,403 --> 00:18:48,964 Look, Josh, 354 00:18:48,988 --> 00:18:51,636 you're not stupid. 355 00:18:51,660 --> 00:18:53,477 I'm always telling people that. 356 00:18:53,501 --> 00:18:56,730 I always say, "His actions might be stupid, 357 00:18:56,754 --> 00:18:58,859 but his heart is smart." 358 00:18:58,883 --> 00:19:01,490 So here's what I ask you. 359 00:19:01,514 --> 00:19:05,664 Did you ever think that maybe for like a millisecond 360 00:19:05,688 --> 00:19:09,964 that you were being misled or manipulated 361 00:19:09,988 --> 00:19:12,469 by Osama bin Laden? 362 00:19:12,493 --> 00:19:15,559 ‐ I mean, to be completely honest, 363 00:19:15,583 --> 00:19:17,270 up until about 20 minutes ago, 364 00:19:17,294 --> 00:19:19,974 I thought I was talking with God the whole time. 365 00:19:21,344 --> 00:19:23,241 ‐ Uh... 366 00:19:23,265 --> 00:19:25,286 I don't know where he got that idea. 367 00:19:25,310 --> 00:19:26,917 ‐ I may have, like, projected a bit of that, 368 00:19:26,941 --> 00:19:28,502 but I didn't know. 369 00:19:28,526 --> 00:19:31,006 ‐ Anyway, now that you know he's not God, 370 00:19:31,030 --> 00:19:35,265 and is, in fact, Osama bin Laden, 371 00:19:35,289 --> 00:19:37,520 does that reframe any of this? 372 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,071 Make you have a few questions 373 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:41,695 maybe that you didn't have before? 374 00:19:41,719 --> 00:19:44,157 - ‐ Yeah. - Yeah. 375 00:19:44,181 --> 00:19:46,538 ‐ How the fuck were you talking to me? 376 00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:48,876 ‐ How is not important. 377 00:19:48,900 --> 00:19:51,007 Why is really... ‐ No, no, no, no, no. 378 00:19:51,031 --> 00:19:53,239 I think that I really wanna focus on the how. 379 00:19:57,041 --> 00:19:58,438 ‐ He blasted the door! 380 00:19:58,462 --> 00:20:00,148 ‐ No, no. ‐ Oh, you do did! 381 00:20:00,172 --> 00:20:01,818 ‐ No, I was just‐‐ ‐ He so did. 382 00:20:01,842 --> 00:20:04,039 ‐ Joshua, my friend. ‐ I'm going in there. 383 00:20:04,063 --> 00:20:06,135 I'm going in that room. 384 00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,086 The fuck? 385 00:20:14,241 --> 00:20:16,180 Is that an ear? 386 00:20:18,876 --> 00:20:21,148 ‐ It looks worse than it is. 387 00:20:21,172 --> 00:20:23,369 ‐ Did you cut off some random person's ear 388 00:20:23,393 --> 00:20:26,725 to put a voice in my head across time and space? 389 00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,832 ‐ Okay. 390 00:20:29,856 --> 00:20:32,295 It looks better than it is. 391 00:20:41,547 --> 00:20:44,194 ‐ Is that my ear? 392 00:20:47,433 --> 00:20:50,127 ‐ Oh, this is where being able to lie to you 393 00:20:50,151 --> 00:20:51,793 would come in real handy. 394 00:21:12,901 --> 00:21:15,339 ‐ Look, all gone. Problem solved. 395 00:21:15,363 --> 00:21:17,218 Trust restored. 396 00:21:17,242 --> 00:21:19,809 ‐ No, you cut off your best friend's ear. 397 00:21:19,833 --> 00:21:21,631 ‐ Oh, so it's okay when you say it. 398 00:21:23,213 --> 00:21:25,238 ‐ How did you even do all this? 399 00:21:25,262 --> 00:21:27,490 ‐ It's a DNA‐based, cross‐temporal 400 00:21:27,514 --> 00:21:29,702 aural transmitter. 401 00:21:29,726 --> 00:21:32,082 You travel through time, you pick a few things up. 402 00:21:32,106 --> 00:21:34,236 I also use lichen to make my own deodorant. 403 00:21:35,362 --> 00:21:37,425 ‐ Why did you do this? 404 00:21:37,449 --> 00:21:39,221 ‐ Me and you? 405 00:21:39,245 --> 00:21:40,766 We went on many excellent 406 00:21:40,790 --> 00:21:42,397 time traveling adventures together. 407 00:21:42,421 --> 00:21:45,274 Searching for Hav‐‐ 408 00:21:45,298 --> 00:21:48,280 searching for Haven. 409 00:21:48,304 --> 00:21:50,661 Then I got caught. 410 00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:52,915 After I escaped The DieCathlon, 411 00:21:52,939 --> 00:21:57,633 I discovered the location and left you a map to paradise. 412 00:21:57,657 --> 00:22:00,054 It was perfect. 413 00:22:00,078 --> 00:22:03,562 All that was missing was you. 414 00:22:03,586 --> 00:22:05,166 And then you arrived! 415 00:22:07,050 --> 00:22:10,241 But you weren't alone. 416 00:22:10,265 --> 00:22:13,289 You brought others with you. 417 00:22:13,313 --> 00:22:16,403 They‐they weren't like the rest of us. 418 00:22:18,198 --> 00:22:20,136 They didn't share our values. 419 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:23,184 Maybe they didn't have any values at all. 420 00:22:23,208 --> 00:22:25,814 You let infidels invade our holy land! 421 00:22:25,838 --> 00:22:27,468 ‐ There he is. There he is. 422 00:22:29,136 --> 00:22:32,327 I tried to make you understand, but you refused to listen. 423 00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:34,378 So naturally, I sliced off your ear. 424 00:22:34,402 --> 00:22:35,626 ‐ Naturally? 425 00:22:35,650 --> 00:22:37,530 ‐ I said, "Now I have your ear!" 426 00:22:40,450 --> 00:22:42,681 He didn't laugh either. 427 00:22:42,705 --> 00:22:45,144 He lunged for my jugular, I lunged for his. 428 00:22:45,168 --> 00:22:47,566 We fell down in a heap, rolled down a hill. 429 00:22:47,590 --> 00:22:49,197 By the time we got to the bottom, 430 00:22:49,221 --> 00:22:52,325 he was dead, strangled. 431 00:22:52,349 --> 00:22:54,416 My best friend died in my arms. 432 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,986 ‐ Because they were around his neck. 433 00:22:59,990 --> 00:23:01,803 ‐ The others exiled me, 434 00:23:01,827 --> 00:23:04,099 tossed me through the big time door, 435 00:23:04,123 --> 00:23:06,189 thrust randomly through space and time 436 00:23:06,213 --> 00:23:08,317 with no control of where or when I landed. 437 00:23:08,341 --> 00:23:12,323 That put me here with nothing but your ear and a dream, 438 00:23:12,347 --> 00:23:15,727 to one day get back to Haven. 439 00:23:19,069 --> 00:23:20,779 So what do you say, Josh? 440 00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:26,894 You and me, together. 441 00:23:26,918 --> 00:23:28,758 A do‐over. 442 00:23:30,926 --> 00:23:35,186 ‐ No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 443 00:23:37,064 --> 00:23:38,585 You know what? 444 00:23:38,609 --> 00:23:42,199 You fool me once, shame on‐‐ shame on you! 445 00:23:44,370 --> 00:23:46,517 You‐‐you fool me‐‐ you can't get fooled again! 446 00:23:46,541 --> 00:23:48,605 Get out! Go, go! 447 00:23:48,629 --> 00:23:50,399 ‐ Uh, Josh. This isn't you. ‐ Go, go! 448 00:23:50,423 --> 00:23:52,263 ‐ Oh shit, here we go! 449 00:23:54,724 --> 00:23:56,854 ‐ 450 00:23:58,982 --> 00:24:01,179 ‐ You would never shoot me. I'm your friend. 451 00:24:01,203 --> 00:24:02,633 ‐ Oh, really? 452 00:24:02,657 --> 00:24:06,056 Bin Laden, more like been lying! 453 00:24:07,457 --> 00:24:09,247 ‐ Oh! 454 00:24:12,092 --> 00:24:14,824 ‐ First of all, great burn. Been lying. 455 00:24:14,848 --> 00:24:18,540 ‐ Second of all, yes, finally! Fuck you, bin Laden! 456 00:24:18,564 --> 00:24:20,301 That was crazy. What a shot. 457 00:24:35,514 --> 00:24:39,414 ‐ Oh, tried to fire off a warning shot? 458 00:24:39,438 --> 00:24:41,586 ‐ I‐‐I was aiming in the corner. 459 00:24:41,610 --> 00:24:43,338 ‐ Right, right, right. Yeah. 460 00:24:43,362 --> 00:24:45,402 Hit the axe, picked up speed when it hit the kettle. 461 00:24:46,953 --> 00:24:48,850 ‐ Well, I'll be. 462 00:24:48,874 --> 00:24:52,278 When folks hear you're the man who took out Wild Sam Bladden, 463 00:24:52,302 --> 00:24:54,570 you'll never have to pay for a drink again. 464 00:24:55,971 --> 00:24:58,160 ‐ Whole gang's here, I see. 465 00:24:58,184 --> 00:24:59,961 ‐ Oh, guess your little summit 466 00:24:59,985 --> 00:25:02,293 brought all the big boys to town. 467 00:25:02,317 --> 00:25:04,464 ‐ Summit? No. 468 00:25:04,488 --> 00:25:06,868 You were found out through this. 469 00:25:11,878 --> 00:25:14,317 ‐ "The inspirational tall tale 470 00:25:14,341 --> 00:25:16,948 of the bearded‐lady who traps like a man." 471 00:25:16,972 --> 00:25:19,312 ‐ It's a proto‐feminist classic. 472 00:25:23,150 --> 00:25:25,926 ‐ Okay, so I'm keeping this. This is great. 473 00:25:25,950 --> 00:25:28,555 Wolf, go ahead and kill him before we gets more Time Cops. 474 00:25:28,579 --> 00:25:30,436 ‐ I'm not with the Time Cops. 475 00:25:30,460 --> 00:25:32,521 I'm here for another reason‐‐ 476 00:25:32,545 --> 00:25:34,232 to grant you your freedom. 477 00:25:34,256 --> 00:25:36,361 I'm talking full amnesty. 478 00:25:36,385 --> 00:25:38,448 ‐ Don't need it. We're already free. 479 00:25:38,472 --> 00:25:40,038 ‐ You guys can't keep this up forever. 480 00:25:40,062 --> 00:25:42,899 You already encountered The Killing Machine. 481 00:25:46,196 --> 00:25:47,826 It's goo. ‐ Oh. 482 00:25:53,294 --> 00:25:54,439 ‐ Yeah. 483 00:25:54,463 --> 00:25:55,900 ‐ Oh! 484 00:25:55,924 --> 00:25:57,153 ‐ Mm‐hmm. 485 00:25:57,177 --> 00:25:58,656 ‐ Oh, that's good goo. 486 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,159 ‐ Sure as hell is. 487 00:26:00,183 --> 00:26:02,590 And by the way, FYI, The Killing Machine? 488 00:26:02,614 --> 00:26:04,375 He can't be stopped, 489 00:26:04,399 --> 00:26:06,714 but you deliver me Haven, 490 00:26:06,738 --> 00:26:09,055 I'll deliver you to the timeline of your choice, 491 00:26:09,079 --> 00:26:10,906 records wiped clean. 492 00:26:12,165 --> 00:26:15,649 ‐ So we're supposed to just hand over paradise to you. 493 00:26:15,673 --> 00:26:19,155 ‐ Paradise? Oh, I get it. 494 00:26:19,179 --> 00:26:22,036 Osama bin Laden promised you paradise. 495 00:26:22,060 --> 00:26:23,455 Pretty on‐brand. 496 00:26:23,479 --> 00:26:25,669 It's kind of his whole shtick, dude! 497 00:26:25,693 --> 00:26:27,380 Holy shit. 498 00:26:27,404 --> 00:26:31,054 No, Haven is not paradise. Haven's an awful place. 499 00:26:31,078 --> 00:26:32,894 It's a hideout for the worst criminals 500 00:26:32,918 --> 00:26:34,227 time has ever known. 501 00:26:34,251 --> 00:26:36,567 That's how you three can gain access. 502 00:26:36,591 --> 00:26:40,030 The Network will give us anything if we bring them in. 503 00:26:40,054 --> 00:26:42,703 ‐ All right, why should we trust you? 504 00:26:42,727 --> 00:26:44,584 ‐ 'Cause I'm risking everything too. 505 00:26:44,608 --> 00:26:46,544 No one knows I'm here. 506 00:26:46,568 --> 00:26:50,927 This isn't about a TV show or ratings. 507 00:26:50,951 --> 00:26:53,211 This is about protecting my family. 508 00:26:54,082 --> 00:26:57,722 Something maybe you can relate to. 509 00:27:02,808 --> 00:27:04,747 Haven does not exist in time or space. 510 00:27:04,771 --> 00:27:06,332 Believe me, 511 00:27:06,356 --> 00:27:08,755 we spent a shitload of time looking for it. 512 00:27:08,779 --> 00:27:11,009 The only way to put it on a map is from inside, 513 00:27:11,033 --> 00:27:14,600 and that's exactly what these geolocation devices will do. 514 00:27:14,624 --> 00:27:16,714 Take them. 515 00:27:21,345 --> 00:27:22,949 ‐ Okay. 516 00:27:22,973 --> 00:27:26,403 So if we do this, and I'm only saying if... 517 00:27:28,527 --> 00:27:30,965 Can you do a full memory wipe thing on me? 518 00:27:30,989 --> 00:27:32,719 So I can forget everything that's happened to me 519 00:27:32,743 --> 00:27:34,263 since I left home? 520 00:27:34,287 --> 00:27:35,808 I'm talking Eternal Sunshine here. 521 00:27:35,832 --> 00:27:38,648 ‐ Yeah, Spotless Mind. We can do that. 522 00:27:38,672 --> 00:27:41,361 All you have to do is get to Haven, 523 00:27:41,385 --> 00:27:43,281 activate those devices. 524 00:27:43,305 --> 00:27:45,160 That will send me a beacon, 525 00:27:45,184 --> 00:27:47,122 I'll show up and do the rest. 526 00:27:47,146 --> 00:27:49,168 All right, I have to go. 527 00:27:49,192 --> 00:27:51,679 My daughter is performing opposite of Robo‐Pavarotti 528 00:27:51,703 --> 00:27:53,511 in Rigoletto. 529 00:27:53,535 --> 00:27:55,325 Good luck. 530 00:28:02,468 --> 00:28:05,660 ‐ You just wanna erase us from your entire life? 531 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,041 ‐ No, that's not what he's saying. 532 00:28:07,065 --> 00:28:08,499 That's not what you're saying. 533 00:28:08,523 --> 00:28:10,047 ‐ That's exactly what I'm saying. 534 00:28:10,071 --> 00:28:12,133 ‐ ‐ I wanna go back to the moment 535 00:28:12,157 --> 00:28:14,343 before I met you two and‐‐and completely forget 536 00:28:14,367 --> 00:28:16,347 that any of this ever happened. 537 00:28:16,371 --> 00:28:18,565 ‐ Wait, wait, so you're breaking up with us? 538 00:28:18,589 --> 00:28:21,483 ‐ I'm gonna‐‐I'm gonna make a note on my hand that says, 539 00:28:21,507 --> 00:28:23,573 "Josh, do not beat Bionic Wars. 540 00:28:23,597 --> 00:28:25,073 It will ruin your life." 541 00:28:25,097 --> 00:28:27,413 ‐ We didn't ruin your life. We love you. 542 00:28:27,437 --> 00:28:28,956 ‐ We don't ever wanna be apart. 543 00:28:28,980 --> 00:28:30,208 ‐ What? 544 00:28:30,232 --> 00:28:31,879 What are you guys talking about? 545 00:28:31,903 --> 00:28:34,556 This is not working. We are not getting along. 546 00:28:34,580 --> 00:28:36,597 ‐ Since when? Oh, I'm reeling. 547 00:28:36,621 --> 00:28:37,768 ‐ This is coming out of nowhere. 548 00:28:37,792 --> 00:28:39,897 I thought we were happy. ‐ Happy? 549 00:28:39,921 --> 00:28:43,151 You‐‐you guys treat me like shit all the time. 550 00:28:43,175 --> 00:28:45,990 This morning, I tried killing myself. 551 00:28:46,014 --> 00:28:47,961 And that was actually before I found out that God 552 00:28:47,985 --> 00:28:49,831 was Osama bin Laden. 553 00:28:49,855 --> 00:28:51,543 ‐ Okay, I don't know what you want from us, Josh. 554 00:28:51,567 --> 00:28:53,171 We come from the sewer. 555 00:28:53,195 --> 00:28:54,800 We love you the way we know how. 556 00:28:54,824 --> 00:28:56,430 ‐ By protecting you. ‐ Killing for you. 557 00:28:56,454 --> 00:28:58,648 ‐ And yes, occasionally lightly ribbing. 558 00:28:58,672 --> 00:29:01,480 ‐ Always with love. ‐ So much love. 559 00:29:01,504 --> 00:29:03,911 ‐ Well, I reject your terrible love. 560 00:29:03,935 --> 00:29:06,280 ‐ Okay. 561 00:29:06,304 --> 00:29:08,144 I know how to fix this. 562 00:29:20,792 --> 00:29:22,480 ‐ 563 00:29:22,504 --> 00:29:23,738 ‐ Okay, please stop! God! 564 00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:25,820 Those are fucking terrible hugs. 565 00:29:25,844 --> 00:29:27,490 ‐ Well... 566 00:29:27,514 --> 00:29:29,329 ‐ You guys, I'm sorry, but everything‐‐ 567 00:29:29,353 --> 00:29:30,997 everything that has happened in my life 568 00:29:31,021 --> 00:29:32,917 since you came into it has been bad. 569 00:29:40,582 --> 00:29:42,645 Okay, I'm not a hero. 570 00:29:42,669 --> 00:29:44,649 My life is not special. If you really loved me‐‐ 571 00:29:44,673 --> 00:29:46,319 ‐ We do. 572 00:29:46,343 --> 00:29:48,619 ‐ We will never make fun of you again. 573 00:29:48,643 --> 00:29:50,957 ‐ Then you will help me narc out the time‐rogues in Haven 574 00:29:50,981 --> 00:29:52,499 so I can go home 575 00:29:52,523 --> 00:29:54,340 and spend the rest of my life with my parents. 576 00:29:54,364 --> 00:29:56,255 ‐ I.... 577 00:29:56,279 --> 00:29:58,552 okay. 578 00:30:00,789 --> 00:30:06,219 That is a very normal thing for an adult male to say. 579 00:30:10,140 --> 00:30:14,041 ‐ So what do you guys say? 580 00:30:14,065 --> 00:30:17,105 One last jump for old time's sake? 581 00:30:30,682 --> 00:30:32,732 ‐ Is this Haven? 582 00:30:33,938 --> 00:30:35,898 ‐ No. 583 00:30:37,696 --> 00:30:39,383 It's Iowa. 584 00:30:39,407 --> 00:30:41,617 ‐ State University. 585 00:30:44,585 --> 00:30:47,375 Oh, fucking bin Laden. 41817

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