All language subtitles for Future.Man.S03E01.720p.WEBRip.x264-XLF

Coming up
on this season
of The DieCathlon...

Brought to you by Ultramax,

the bulk‐free blood diaper
you never have to remove.

She's a stone‐cold killer
who buries her emotions,

while keeping the body count
sky high.

Forged in the damp fire
of hell's sewer,

she survived,
only to have the very nature

of her own existence questioned

over and over and over again.

But this tiger burns bright
with survival instinct

and a little help
from her friends.

‐ Metal spoke sharpener!

He's a demolitions
expert‐cum‐fashion icon‐

cum‐celebrity chef‐
cum‐politician,

prince, poet, and thief.

He doesn't just survive,
he thrives,

with little time for remorse,

and even less time
for the losers

who simply don't get it,

which is everyone not named him.

This wolf is at your door
blowing your mind
and your house down,

and you're somehow
thanking him for it.

He was masturbating one night
and was mistaken

for someone he wasn't:
a hero.

But that didn't stop him
from becoming one...

or so he thought!

Visited by two super soldiers
from the future

and dragged along
for the time‐traveling joyride
of a lifetime,

he should be dead,
an footnote in a mistake file

labeled,
"Are you fucking kidding me?
This asshole?"

Yet, somehow,
Josh is still kicking.

Yeah, you heard right.

Where he comes from,
Josh is a man's name.

Now, these three renegades
have been appropriated
by the network,

convicted of time crimes,

and sentenced to death
by entertainment.

They're gonna be running
for their lives,

hunted by creatures
both real and mythological,

tested in ways the human body
and mind simply wasn't
designed to endure,

but this trio's
got something special,

and with a little luck,
you're gonna see it splattered

all over your Opti‐Scope.

I am Susan Saint Jackalope,

and this is
the centennial season of...

The DieCathlon!

I've gotta say,
I've got a really good feeling

about this upcoming season.

Really, I think
there's something special
about these three.

‐ Well, hon, you've been
unlucky the last few cycles.

You were due
some quality contestants.

I know, and the network,

as soon as they feel like
maybe things aren't working

as well as they used to,

they get panicked
and they get ruthless.

‐ Think of everything
that you've been through.

The ratings slide,
the coup d'état,

the mass prisoner suicides.

Oh, and that Galaxus 9
core meltdown,

and somehow, somehow,
you're still standing.

It's because you're strong.

‐ I don't deserve you.

‐ Oh, of course you do.

All you have to do
is turn me on.

Ooh, 97% charged,
I see.

‐ Yeah.

Oh, saucy.

‐ Get ready.
‐ Okay.

I'm ready.

You know,
if they cancel the show,

things will change around here.

‐ We don't have to talk
about that right now.

‐ The network will take me
and Stanley away.

Our hard drives will be wiped.

We'll be allocated
to a new executive,

one more worthy
of the G7300 class.

‐ That's not gonna happen.

‐ Well, how do you know,
you stupid piece of shit?

You took the planet's
most popular show

and you made it
boring and predictable,

just like the sex
we're about to have.

‐ What are you doing right now?

‐ Now, bend over,
so I can do to you

what you've been doing
to your sponsors.

I am gonna get something
big and hard and cold.

I am gonna hit you
until your ass is so red that‐‐

Oh, God, hold me.
I'm so scared.

‐ Oh, it's scary,
but I'll hold you.

‐ Oh, God.

‐ Oh, no.

I forgot to put her
into sleep mode.

‐ Hi, honey.

That's how babies
used to be made.

‐ Time to dream
of electric sleep, Stanley.

Sweet dreams, Stanley.

All right.

‐ Sweet tune.

I knew this would stand
the test of time.

You thinking Pelican's Folly?
‐ No, it's too risky.

Those bionic pumas would sniff
us out before we could hide
enough rocks in our mouths.

Hyena's Whisper.
‐ Yes.

Especially in an arena
this size.

They'll never see it coming,

and it might buy us just enough
time to pull a classic.

Lobster's Bluff.

‐

‐ What the fuck
are you guys talking about?

We are about to die out there!

‐ Do you know how many times
we've turned a death sentence

into a life paragraph?

‐ This isn't anything
we haven't seen before.

‐ You know what?

Maybe we deserve this.

Maybe this is justice.
I mean, we fucked up
the universe.

I mean, the whole universe.

That's what you get
when you think you're a savior.

I thought I was special,
and because of that,

we cause the death
of millions of people.

‐ Mm, wasn't it billions?

‐ Right, billions.

Thank you, Tiger.

And this is payback.

I don't know why you guys
are fighting it.

Because we fight.

And, yes, we probably
are gonna die out there,

but what do you want us to do,
give up?

That'd be the worst
episode ever.

‐ Yeah, Wolf's right,
if we die, we die.

I mean, this isn't about
saving the world anymore.
There's no mission.

This is about survival,

something we are
pretty damn good at.

‐ Yeah,
and we've already passed
the ultimate test as a team.

We could have offed each other
back there.

‐ But as tempting as that was,
we didn't,

and now those pencil‐neck
future fucks

are never gonna know
what hit them.

‐ Plus, with Lobster's Bluff,

we just might have
a pincher's chance.

‐ That was clever.
‐ Thank you.

‐ All right.

If our last stand's
gonna be in the Death Arena,

let's give them
a hell of a show.

- Who's ready for...
- First blood!

First blood!
First blood!

Here they are,
ready to die!

‐ We got this.

The true measure
of bravery

isn't the absence of fear.

It is the overcoming of it.

‐

Oh, no, not goo again!

No!
That's sour!

It's sour!

Do not despair,

for you are not alone,
my friend.

‐ Who's that?
You will triumph
because you are truly special.

‐ No, no, no, no, no!

Get out of my head.

Get out of my head!

Go away!
I'm not special.

I'm a no one.
I'm just a guy gagging on goo!

No, no, you are
so much more than that.

You are a savior.

- ‐ No!
- Yes.

Yes, you are,

and because of that,

- I will help you escape.
- Boom shaka‐laka!

And that is how
you kill a unicorn.

You just rip
its magic little horn

off its stupid little horse head

and then you just watch it‐‐
it bleed rainbows,

and you just laugh.

Look.

Hey, you know what that is?

It's a kraken ball!

Yeah, they only have one,
singular.

When I took that from him,
he, uh‐‐

he basically lost
the will to live.

Every creature
has a weakness, Josh.

‐ It's usually the dick zone.
Oh, so that's it.
You guys won.

It's over.

‐ I don't know what the record
is for fastest victory,

but, uh, looking at
the score keeper's poor face,

I'd say we pretty much
shattered it.

‐ Yeah, and his face, which,
that was unnecessary,

but once the adrenaline
starts pumping,

I am not distinguishing between
participant and official.

It's all just, ah!

Oh, you displayed
a shocking brutality in there.

‐ Stop it, I was‐‐
I was locked in.

I don't know what
you want me to say.

‐ I saw that.

Yeah, I'm really sad
that I missed it.

I wish I would have seen it.

I'm fine, by the way,
so thank you,

you know, for asking.

Um, question, though.

Did they put, like, a‐‐
a little, like,

voice in your head
that just zeroes in
on all your weaknesses, or...

‐ How much of that, uh,
that goo have you swallowed?

‐ Never mind.
Uh, never mind.
I'm fine.

I was just making sure
that all three of us

didn't have a voice
in our heads.

I got a voice
in my head,

and that voice is screaming,

"Choo‐choo‐choo ching‐ching,"

which is how cash registers
sound now.

You guys were spectacular.
Phenomenal.

What a show.
Not you.
You did jack shit, sir.

So what do we get
for winning?

‐ You guys get
an all‐expense‐paid luxury trip

back to The DieCathlon!

You go back in.
You're going back.

That was level one of many.

‐ That's great news.

We were hoping you'd have more
to throw at us

than some rinky‐dink show pony

and a fat goldfish
with one ball.

‐ Yeah, getting out
of a long‐promised threesome

with Vince Neil and Tawny Kitaen

was much harder
than this bullshit excuse

for The Running Man,
which, by the way,

I did an uncredited rewrite on.

The first draft was a disaster
with a capital D.

It made no sense.
Really, this whole thing was...

‐ You're healing nicely.
‐ My whole body is numb!

‐ That means the goo is doing
what the goo is supposed to do.

This goo is incredible goo.

It's our best goo yet.
‐ Oh.

‐ Too much of the goo,
you get cancer.

Too little of the goo,
you get cancer.

The exact right amount of goo
will heal almost anything

except goo‐related cancers.

Medicine.

‐ Come on.
Anyway,
you guys rest up.

You've got a big day tomorrow.
You're fighting dinosaurs.

Roar.

Wait.

What if I swallow too much?
‐ Ah, you'll be fine.

‐ Gah.

‐ Hey!
‐ Oh! God.

‐ How's the shoulder, kid?

‐ It feels like being stabbed

by a million tiny little knives.

‐ It's actually being stabbed
by 2.5 billion little knives.

Those are nanobots,
and they are repairing
the tear in your soft tissue.

‐ Where do they go
when they're done?

Whatever.

Look, what am I
gonna do tomorrow

when Tiger and Wolf
go back into the game?

‐ You're gonna go back too.
‐ What? Hell, no, I'm not!

I‐I‐I can barely move
my shoulder!

I got shot with
a giant "Avatar" arrow!

‐ You'll be fine by tomorrow.

The network does not skimp
when it comes to keeping alive

the people that they plan
on eventually killing.

Look at you.

You already have the strength
of a nine‐year‐old.

Before you know it,

you'll have the strength
of a preteen.

Then a tween.
Then a teenager.

Then a little man.

‐ Thanks, Susan.

‐ Okay, this might
get a little old.

Sweet tune.

Knew this would stand
the test of time.

What do you think
of Pelican's Folly?

No, it's too risky.

Those bionic pumas
would sniff us out

before we could hide
enough rocks in our mouths.

Hyena's Whisper?
‐ Yes.

Especially in an arena
this size.

They'll never see it coming,

and it might buy us
just enough time

to pull a classic.

Lobster's Bluff.

‐ What are you guys doing?

‐ What?

‐ Why are you saying the same
things you said yesterday?

Is it like a‐‐
like a warrior thing?

Like, you have to repeat
what worked or what?

‐ What are you talking about?
‐ Stop fucking with me!

We need to come up with a plan
to protect me out there.

You understand?

You guys are far better equipped

to handle this than I am.

What can I expect?

‐ How the hell should we know?

It's the first time for us too.

‐ This guy.

‐ No, it isn't!

Who's ready
for some...

First blood!
First blood!

‐ You guys,
this is really mean!
Please!

Here they are,
ready to die!

‐

Oh, come on!

Survival
is equal parts endurance
and adaptation.

‐ Shut up, shut up, shut up.

You will not
survive this game.

No one does.

Eventually, something sharp
will pierce something

that cannot be healed
by tiny robots.

‐ How‐‐how do you know?

I know
a great many things, Josh.

‐ How do you‐‐
how do you know who I am?

Do you‐‐do you know everyone?

Are you Go‐‐

Oh, no, no, no.

Maybe‐‐maybe you're not.

Maybe‐‐maybe I'm just
finally losing my mind

and I'm having this
conversation with myself

like in "Fight Club."

I don't get
that reference.

‐ Okay, you know what?
That's it.

I'm ignoring you.
You're not real.

Really?

Humming, Josh?

Don't be that way.
Listen.

I am here to help you escape
through the elevator,

where there are no cameras.

‐ What, escape?
Really, to where?

3491?
Some other time?

Anywhere that I can go
I've either already ruined

or I'm gonna be killed
instantly by people

who are better equipped
to live than me.

I know a place
where you will be safe.

It's a place
you once called home.

I trust from your silence
you are intrigued.

‐ Yeah, of course I'm intrigued.

I'm talking to myself
so I'm gonna tell myself

- whatever I want to hear.
- You are a skeptic.

To prove to you that I can help,

I will now perform
a small miracle.
Is that okay?

Can I perform
a small miracle for you?

‐ Sure, man.
I'm not going anywhere.

You are in
the goo, no?

‐ Yeah, you know I'm in the goo.

I'm wearing a metal diaper
in a thing of goo.

Okay,
listen to me, Josh.

You don't want
to be swallowing
any more of this goo.

The nanobots,
they react poorly
with your gut flora.

They go to war.

The next thing you know,
you are allergic to chickpeas.

‐ Oh, man.
I love chickpeas.

I know, me too.
Reach down.

You will find a small
rubberized knob

behind your hip
just to the left.

Feel it?
‐ Yeah.

Press the center
of it, hard.

‐

Oh, God!

Oh, that's so much better.

That
is my small miracle,

just for you, my friend.

‐ Uh, yeah, if I meet
a rhyming riddle worm,

I'm gonna decapitate it.

‐ But I think
that animatronic Clue Worm

was trying to help us.

‐ Well, speak in prose,
then, buddy.

‐ Let me guess.
You guys won.

‐ I don't know what the record
is for fastest victory,

but from the look on that poor
scorekeeper's face,

I'd say we shattered it.

‐ And his face, right?

‐ How'd you know that?
‐ Just a guess.

‐ What, do you got
a live feed in here?

Are they using any close‐ups?

'Cause I feel like they're
shooting everything in a wide,

and, well,
the drama's right here.

‐ Guys, this is gonna be
hard to comprehend,

but all of this
already happened yesterday.

All right, th‐they must've
wiped your memories

or something
so you have no recollection

of playing the game.
‐ Bullshit.

‐ I would remember
if they wiped my memory.

- ‐ Yeah, me too.
- No, you wouldn't.

That's not how
memory wiping works.

‐ You come from a time
where memory wiping's a thing?

'Cause we do.

‐ I'm telling you we are gonna
keep playing this game

again and again with slight
variations until we're dead.

‐ Okay, even if that were true,
which it isn't,

I can think of worse ways to go.

- ‐ Y‐you have to believe me!
- No, sorry.

My radar is finely tuned
to repetition.

Even back at the restaurant
when everyone was clamoring

for Wolfheart staples,

I changed the menu
every goddamn day.

Now, that's a terrible
business model,

but, well, a true artist
never repeats himself.

What you're describing,
well, that sounds like hell.

Josh, these people
are awful.

You don't need them.

I can lead you home.
Follow me.

‐ I can't‐‐I can't just
abandon them, okay?

We're gonna go back
to the Victor's Lounge.

‐ Yeah, sorry.
Victors only.

‐ Good‐bye, Josh.

‐ Guys, come on!
Don't just‐‐

See how quickly
they leave you behind?

You must do the same.

‐ That‐‐that's just like our‐‐
our dynamic, okay?

It's‐‐it's fun.

If we're gonna do this,

we're gonna do things my way,
all right?

Just tell me
what I need to know.

Guys, listen.
We have to get out of here,

and the only way is through
this elevator.

Otherwise,
we're dead, eventually.

‐ What are you talking about?
What is he talking about?

‐ No idea.
Sounds boring.

‐

And this is the only safe place
that we can talk.

Okay, this is, like,
a really old elevator,

and it passes through, like,
a magnetic rock section,

and then the cameras get jammed.

Guys, wait for me!

Baseball?

I just want to sleep!

I am telling you,
you memories have been wiped.

You have to believe me, please!

Please turn it down!
No!

Don't you guys think it's
a little weird that I know

everything you're about to say?

No? No reaction?
Okay.

I'm telling you guys,

this is the only way
we're going to escape.

‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're pitching an escape
and you don't mention

the word "escape"
until 30 seconds in?

You gotta work
on your elevator pitch.

‐

‐

There you are,
my hapless wonder.

Look at them.
They love‐slash‐pity you.

‐ Erase my memory.
I'm begging you.

No way!
You kidding?

People wait their whole
careers for a run like this.

You remembering
while Tiger and Wolf don't?

That's the special sauce,

and you don't want me

to serve my signature meal

without my special sauce,
do you?

‐ I don't care about
your special sauce.

‐ Well, it's more delicious
with the special sauce.

‐ I just want to die!

This is, like, the fifth time

I've had to train myself
to walk again!

47 times you failed
to get off that elevator.

Do you know how hard that is?

‐ I am trying.
‐ I know!

That's what makes it so funny.

It's crazy.
You're really trying.

And Tiger and Wolf,
the savagery.

They really are from
the worst timeline.

If they keep this up,

we're gonna have to release
the killing machine,

and we've never had to do that.

Tiger and Wolf are my heroes.

You, my bumbling comic relief.

I'm back on top.

If I keep this up,

the network is gonna let me
own my wife

and daughter outright,
free and clear.

Maintenance included, Josh.
‐ Congratulations.

Yeah.
I'd say.

Are you ready
to do this another way?

My way?

‐ No.
No, no, no.

Didn't you hear him?
I'm not an action hero.

I'm the comic relief.

I can't do any of this
without Tiger and without Wolf.

You've allowed
yourself to believe

you're a worthless
piece of shit.

The world thinks you're
a worthless piece of shit.

That is your greatest advantage.

‐ That's my advantage?
Well, you know what?

It really doesn't feel like one.

- Can I please have another?
- No!

Let them dismiss you,
mock you, upstage you,

and underneath their very noses,

we will accomplish
the impossible

and get you home.

‐

‐ You thinking Pelican's Folly?
‐ Nah, too risky.

Those bionic pumas would sniff
it out before we could get
enough rocks in our mouth.

Hyena's Whisper?

‐ Appreciate the pitch.
Terrible idea.

‐ Hmm, yeah.
I don't know
what I was thinking.

I'll just leave
the strategizing to you two.

‐ It's cool.
Stay in your lane.

‐ Hey, you know, uh, I was
reading in the green room.

Apparently, there's all sorts
of mythological,

genetically‐modified creatures
inside the Death Arena.

I bet you could not get
a mermaid's gallbladder.

‐ Mermaid's gallbladder?

A stupid trophy
only an idiot would want.

‐ All right, I just know
they're a really prized
possession

and extremely difficult
to cut out.

It's fine, it's fine.

I mean, I'm sure,
you know, you probably‐‐

probably couldn't do it anyways.

‐ Turns out
mermaid bile's acidic.

That and their tears.

You know they weep
when you kill 'em?

Oh, pathetic creatures, really.

Yes, Josh.
Now they're playing your game.

‐ Yep, I said it.
Arachno‐bot web spindle.

See how they do
your bidding?

‐ No way you get
a stegosaurus femur.

‐ Guess who just
went extinct again?

You have the tools.

Now I will teach you
how to wield them.

‐ As you were, everyone.

You all know
Stanley and Randall.

I actually recently
leveled up Stanley

with the musical prodigy
expansion pack.

Give them a taste, Stan.

‐

‐ Magnifico, amore.

All right,
big show tonight, everyone.

They're even beaming us
to the off‐world colonies,

and those pasty crater monkeys
never watch this show.

‐ You are the most successful
human man

my programming can process.

‐ You're damn right I am.
‐ Yes.

‐ Okay, this might get
a little old.

It's now or never,
Josh.

‐ What the fuck are you doing?

‐ Escaping.
Yeah, that's right.

You guys think
that this is day one,

but it's actually day 60.

You won't listen to me
because you're both dicks.

There's no winning with you two,

and there's no winning
in this game.

Well said, Josh,
but go faster.

Every second counts.

Don't forget the clove hitch
for the safety.

‐ Okay, there's a 640‐foot drop,

and only 620 feet
of Arachno‐silk.

If you guys want to escape,

you have to swing over
and climb onto a ledge

and go the rest of the way down.

Wall pegs are to the left.

‐ When did you get kind of hot?

I don't understand how
he figured this out in one day.

‐ Fuck you guys!

Who's ready for some...

‐

I find this very annoying.

‐ Tough call.

First blood!
First blood!

‐ And here they are,
ready to die!