Original subtitles

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org

DEDICATED TO THE PAST AND FUTURE GOVERNOR�S ELECTION

BASED ON THE PLAY OF THE KVARTET I THEATER

WITH THE SUPPORT OF THE FEDERAL CULTURE AND CINMATOGRAPHY AGENCY

PRESENTS

LEONID BARATS, ROSTISLAV KHAIT, ALEXANDER DEMIDOV, CAMIL LARIN

YEVGENIY STEBLOV, MIKHAIL YEFREMOV, VALERY BARINOV

NONNA GRISHAEVA, ANNA AZAROVA ELENA SHEVCHENKO, ELENA KNYAZEVA

MAXIM VITORGAN, VASILIY UTKIN, VALERY BARINOV

ALEXANDER SEMECHEV, PAVEL ABDALOV, MIKHAIL EVLANOV

DMITRY PEVTSOV, MARAT BASHAROV, YEVGENIY STYCHKIN, OLEG FOMIN

ALSO

SERGEY SHNUROV

VLADIIR SHAKHRIN, VLADIMIR BEGUNOV

LEVA "B-2", SHURA "B-2"

ANDREY GRIGORIEV-APOLONOV, OLEG YAKOVLEV, KIRILL ANDREEV

VLADIMIR KRISTOVSKIY, SERGEY KRISTOVSKIY

SEREGA

VALERY SUTKIN

ANDREY MAKAREVICH, GEORGIY MARTIROSYAN

CHAPELNIK � A BOW FOR A FRYING PAN

A OLEG FOMIN MOVIE

ELECTION DAY

GENERAL PRODUCER NIKOLAI ULYANOV

What a day.

[Conversation on the phone] Yes, yes, I understand. Yes, yes, of course.

Bye.

A heavy toy. Probably expensive.

Oh! Did I see you in the audition at the Operetta theater?

- Remember, you fell into an orchestra pit there, yeah? � What?

- I am mistaken. And how are you called? - Innokentiy.

Are you done with your break?! When are you done with your break?!

Hurry up to the rehearsal! Quickly! Quickly!

Well, Innokentiy is Innokentiy.

Innokentiy. Innokentiy!

I wanted to tell you something� Ah yeah! What shall I talk to him about?

- Architect, about the house. - Ah, yeah! It�s important.

- Further. � Those got stubborn.

- What's wrong with them, they want a war? - Well, probably.

But we�ve decided something regarding this, haven�t we?

- Election. � That�s right! Launch a "cosmonaut" and connect me with Misha.

[Moscow, 2001] - What cosmonaut? - Listen, it�s time for you to get used to me.

If it�s Israeli then it�s military. If it�s "Soviet" then it�s champagne.

And if they launch someone then it�s a cosmonaut. Did you get through?

Yes, here.

Residence of the general producer of "Kind of radio" radio station.

[Phone ringing]

- Hello. - Misha, it�s Emanuel Gedeonovich.

What Emanuel Gedeonovich?

Oh, hello, Emanuel Gedeonovich!

I� I recognized you right away.

- Are you sleeping, Misha? � No! No way! Never. Well, just for a minute.

Sorry to bother you at this unreasonable hour but it�s a very important thing.

- Do you have a pen or a pencil at hand? - At what hand?

Oh, oh, just a moment. Just a second, Emanuel Gedeonovich.

Yes, how can I help you, Emanuel Gedeonovich?

Misha you probably know that our holding company�

�has certain interests in the Middle Volga region.

I probably do.

So you and I are going to promptly get ourselves involved in the process

�that is happening there.

- Right now? � No, not right now. We have some time until morning.

- Write something down. - Just a second.

- Are you writing, Misha? - Yes, yes, just a moment, I�m ready.

Write down.

Oh, God, forgive me.

Moscow. Northern Riverside station.

- Where to? - To the music salon. Music salon.

Sergei Abramov motor ship.

Anya, Anya!

Here are the keys from the cabins.

You have the list of musicians?

Of course not! We don�t even know who�s coming.

- Make a list of ours then. Who�s on it already? � You are.

Ok, then put me in and check my name on the list.

Put yourself in too and check your name as well. Then bring the lists to my cabin.

What�s that screaming all about over there? What happened?

Let me see what it's all about.

- Did you bring the console in? - Yeah.

Then why isn�t it in here?

- Then they haven't brought it in yet. - Where is it? � On the bus.

- And where�s the bus? - It left.

- So where�s the console then? - I�m asking you.

Slava, Slava, what about the musicians?

Thanks a lot, Sasha.

Never in my life I have been flipped off by 56 people in two hours. Never.

- Did you make a deal with at least some of them? - Sure enough I didn�t.

Wait a second, what are we going to do about our musicians then?

All right, all right, come down, I�m just kidding. Here�s the list. Everything�s cool.

Hey, why are you talking to me like that?

- Who ordered the bus? - What bus?

- The one that the console is on. - Is the console on the bus?

- You told me that, didn�t you? - That�s right. And who ordered the bus?

- Holy moly! � What is it? - We dropped the console. � Is it ok?

There it is. And where�s the amp?

Sasha, now can you explain me

�why starting from 5 a.m. this morning I had to...

...download from the internet everything related to the Middle Volga region?

Summer suit. What?

I�m busy. I�ll tell you all about it later.

He�s busy! Do you think it was easy for me to get up at 5 a.m.

�considering I came back from Tunisia at midnight

�and now to go to God knows where for two weeks?

The suit. What do you want?

By the way, I work at the radio station not at the military organization.

- What? - The key.

The last time I was on the Volga was when I was at Pioneer camp.

I wonder if they still serve cutlets and barley cereal over there.

- I want it so much. - Want what?!

Hey listen, who is Sergei Abramov?

- Oh my goodness! Check out this boat. - Yeah.

Hey, Kamil, what is it?

Sanya, it�s a solution for oiling the connectors.

So what can I oil them with, Sanya? I�m not using Pepsi for this, am I?

So?! A lot is better then just a few.

You know if worse comes to worst we throw it overboard if we don�t need it.

Ok, if during this trip I ever see you drunk...

I'll fire you right that very second.

Victoria Alexandrovna!

Consider yourself warned.

All right, dress up a little bit.

You work at a respectable radio station now.

[Inscription on the booklet: "Giving up drinking"] Here, take a look.

Victoria Alexandrovna, here! Yes, it�s me.

Here! Here! Come on!

No, Slava, is it a good story overall?

Did anyone tell you where we�re going, what for and why?.. What?

This is a summer suit.

- I am asking you� - Lesha, first of all, hello.

- Yes, hello. - Hi.

- Hi, everybody. - Hi. � What�s going on?

- Are you Slava? - Yes. - And you are Lesha? - Lesha.

And this is Lelya. We are traveling together with you.

- Hello, Victoria Alexandrovna. - Just Vika, please. Right, Slava?

Hello, Victoria Alexandrovna.

This is Slava, this is Lesha.

- This is Lelya. - Right? - This is Muha.

- I just wanted to give you the key. - Ok.

- I�m gonna go bring it now. - Here it is.

Oh! Here�s the key. Come on, I�ll see you off.

Alright, bye. See you at breakfast.

- Here�s the key, Max. - Hi. And where�s Sasha?

What did he find me for?

- Hey! Hi, Max. - Hi. Just imagine I woke up in her�

Ok, Maxim, the musicians are coming in.

I am ready to tell you the goal of our trip.

- In 5 minutes we are having a meeting at the headquarters. - Sasha, where?

- Well, in my cabin. - Oh! Sasha, it�s headquarters now!

We thought it was just a cabin but it turns out to be the headquarters. How stupid of us!

Comrade executive officer! Permission to speak!

Can�t you tell me everything right here?

No! I forgot my file folder in the cabin.

You mean in the headquarters.

- Can�t you go grab it? - Or send a runner for it.

No. Alright. Wait for me here!

[The Volga region. Region capital. Airport.] Why isn�t this air conditioner working?

They finished this building not long ago.

- So are you ready to fly? - Not yet. They won�t give us permission.

Build a bridge...

They can't fix an air conditioner and you're talking about the bridge.

[Current governor A.S. Emelyanov.] I was thinking maybe to hell with this third term?

- Go somewhere, bow your head before someone. - Want a beer?

No, no! No way! What if he agrees to see me today?

- So what�s wrong with this air conditioner anyway? - It�s working.

Build a bridge�

It�s hard to say whether this air conditioner is working or not.

Look, Max, what a clumsy man is walking over there!

He�ll probably try to sell us that Herbalife stuff.

No, I think rather those playing cards with naked chicks.

- Nah, this one probably sells Herbalife. - I�m on Max�s side.

Excuse me, sir. Sir!

�tell us what you�ve got for us?

Herbalife? Or some sex toys?

I�m sorry, is this Sergei Abramov?

Just a second, let me check that.

- Lesha, aren�t you Sergei Abramov by any chance? - No, no, I�m Lesha.

This is Lesha, not Abramov.

Oh, well. I am from Emanuel Gedeonovich.

Are you? You should�ve told me our password right away.

Ok, there's a man running around over there...

�the one with bulging eyes. He is the executive officer.

- You should see him. - Come on, I�ll give you the keys.

Freeze! Here�s the one I�m gonna kill first!

Sasha, tell me, you wish I was dead, don�t you?

Nobody cares about my opinion. Probably I haven�t done enough for this radio station!

Nonna, why are you late? We had to delay our departure for half an hour.

Oh yeah? And why didn�t you send a car to pick me up?

- Why should I use subway?! Explain it to me! � You could�ve taken a cab.

I did! Bastards, none of them knows the city.

Oh my! I can�t argue after all.

Damn! Any other person would tear you apart for that.

- What?! - The key.

I�m going to bed!

Listen, they wouldn�t allow me to fly in.

That means they don't want to let me come to Moscow.

- Oh no. Because of the heat the runway melted there. - Melted.

I know what�s going on.

- What is it? � It�s your speech. You are delivering a speech at the distillery on Wednesday.

- You wanted to take a look. - Ok, give it to me.

Ok� "I guarantee" � that�s good.

[Reading:] According to Oliver Cromwell: "No one has the right"�

Hey, who�s Oliver Cromwell?

- English politician of 17th century. - And how many letters?

Oh no! That�s crap. Scratch it out.

And then who knows about this Oliver Cromwell except us?

- Ten hut! - Got it.

- Comrade executive officer, permission to speak! - Ok, ok, that�s enough!

At ease! Dismissed.

Attention! According to the personal order from Emanuel Gedeonovich

�some of the employees of our radio station, that is us,

�will be visiting one of the regions of the Middle Volga.

One of them?.. Sasha, what is this conspiracy about?

Conspiracy. We have a very important task:

...we are assigned to conduct an electoral campaign for our candidate�

�in the election for the governor position of the region.

- What?! - Elections are in a week.

While the agitation is allowed we have to employ an aggressive PR campaign.

Sasha, maybe we should arrange an upheaval...

...in Somali the day after tomorrow, huh?

Our goal: to take away some of the votes from the opponents, 5-7%.

They didn�t set the goal to win in the elections.

Lesha, you working on the tour and arranging the concerts. That�s it!

Slava, you are on the advertisement, mass media.

So Maxim and Nonna are leading.

Well, overall, it�s the same as when we promoted soda.

- Do you remember the tour Orange Rivers? - Sasha, just a second!

So we worked on that tour for 3 months.

They need to set some real goals and tasks.

And overall we are radio specialists, not political strategists.

And the last but foremost � they�ll pay the same way they paid for soda,

...but twice as much.

- So how are you doing over there? - They should take off, that�s for sure.

Well, make them scare them very well.

And make sure everything is real: election campaign, slogans, mudslinging.

- Yes, ok. � And let them spread some rumors that somebody is behind him.

- Well, got it, yes? - Yes, I did.

Otherwise I�ll fire everyone.

I didn�t get it. What does it mean: if we don�t go, he�ll fire everyone?

And what if I, for example, can't go?

It�s an order, and orders aren�t the subject of discussion.

[With irony:] Right, right, Sasha. We live in war time.

- Here, Lesha is already in the uniform. - Oh! Come on.

Excuse me and where is the European-style socket?

In Europe.

And finally the most important thing:

...let me introduce you our candidate � Igor Vladimirivich Tsaplin.

Yes, yes.

I�m our candidate � Igor Vladimirovich. It�s a big surprise for me.

Even yesterday I didn�t know that I would be a governor.

But indeed I was planning to go to the sauna today,

�however I�m ready to do anything for Emanuel Gedeonovich.

[Max with irony:] What a sacrifice � miss the sauna.

- You are laughing. - I�m crying.

I didn�t miss any sauna on Mondays for 11 years.

Sauna on Mondays is a ritual for me.

I forgot something.

Ah! Well�

Well, we�ll do it, guys!

Will we?

Of course. You go look for the socket, we�ll do everything.

Let�s go, I�ll show you the socket.

Anya?..

- Anya, who is this? - Masseuse.

- Who?! - What? A good masseuse.

Once Misha got sick and Emanuel Gedeonovich sent him.

- Masseuse... - We have great starting positions:

�candidate-masseuse is busy now: he�s looking for a socket

�there�s not electoral program, we didn�t make...

...any arrangements with mass media, and we have only 7 days for everything.

- We are leaving. - Certainly. � And money?..

- We are staying. - Certainly.

- Listen, I think I've started to gain weight. Did you notice? � No.

Oliver Cromwell, damn!

Slava, Slava, Butusov isn't here!

- What do you mean not here?! - I mean not here.

Just a second, I talked to his boss. What�s his face?..

Kesha... Innokentiy, a nice guy, didn�t bargain at all.

- You said: "Innokentiy". - Lord, is it � you?

Well?.. I am father Innokentiy.

So we are talking about different things now.

Well why? Not later than today...

�at night some Rostislav called me�

�and told me that I have to make 5 speeches...

...20 minutes long each. He promised 10 thousand.

- Oh, boy! � Anya, Anya!.. - What, is it my fault?!

- I gave you the phone number at 5 a.m. - So?

Here, take a look � Innokentiy Butusov and Father Innokentiy.

- Oh, that�s me! - This and that are both good.

Where in the world did you get the phone number of a priest?

Nonsense! Lord, I didn�t get it how you were going to make a speech?

Sermons. I have everything with me.

I have with me: a navicula, prayer book, ceremonial apparel.

And why do you need a bath tub?

What bath tub are you talking about, my son! It�s a baptismal font!

Well I see. We�ll take that one,

...but Butusov won't be with us at that time. That's it.

So why are you removing me?!

Why do you need to remove me?! I can sing. I have a balalaika with me.

Nonsense. Freak show: a priest is playing a balalaika!

- In the bath tub! � In the baptismal font, my sons!

Ok, stop, stop, stop!

Just a second. Father, what is about the money?

What we agreed upon at night when you were Butusov's boss?

What! 10 thousand!

No, but considering the awkwardness of this situation I�ll take 7500 rubles.

[With irony:] Rubles, huh?

Well, 7500 rubles for the freak with balalaika in the bath tub. Good deal.

Don�t give me this crap! This is reimbursable money.

Stop yelling, would you?!

I said will you stop yelling!

By the way, Sasha, about being late. We�ve just departed.

- Departed?! This is outrageous. - But you are the boss.

DAY ONE [Singing:] Sitting, not drinking since this morning

�tomorrow is election day.

I must be totally sober to check One of the boxes.

Hey, hey! Let the voting begin!

Idiot!

A friend of mine brought me some booze...

...for tomorrow's vote. I will not be confused.

No fucking way I�m getting high � �cause voting time is coming by!

- "Booze � confused"- good rhyme. - But it�s a little unclear.

Come on, who�s gonna listen to these Lyrics over there in the sticks?

Come on! Hey, hey!

So what do you think? I believe it�s a good team.

- Yeah, seems like it. Who are they? - In fact, no one knows them at all.

They sing about the election, though.

I check the box and bang! And all of them are crossed out, hurray!

Hey, hey, I don�t deal with jerks!

Hey hey, I won�t vote for you at all!

Hey, hey, the voting continues!

Hey hey!

Election, election, All candidates are ass.. [ship horn sounds]

- Sasha, what is this? - Well, it�s about elections.

Excuse me, is it possible to Drop this last phrase?

No way! The whole song was created just for this one phrase!

Here�s a good song! Good job!

- Lesha� - Good job, Sasha. They are good guys.

Ok. We�ll drop them off in Yaroslavl.

- He agreed. - Can he manage this?

Sasha, chief director of the regional theater. Has 200 men at his disposal.

Everything will play its role:

...demonstrations, hunger strikes. Don't worry.

That�s probably very expensive?

Please, they don�t get anything in the theater.

They�ll go hungry for food.

[I.M. Petuhov Regional Drama Theater] Here, Yegor Philippovich, is an interesting constructive offer.

I think I�ll occupy the entire cast.

- I love large-scale projects! - Should we play gypsies in a restaurant again?

God be with you, Yegor Philippovich.

The offer is one grade more interesting.

The election campaign, think for a second, ah!

Max, Maxim, we need to think about a more convincing slogan.

Such as: I�ll give you... What can he give them?..

- It depends what they don�t have. - They have nothing.

- This kind of slogan: I�ll give you everything. - It�s crap! - Crap.

- Guys� - What do you want?

Let�s do this: I�ll let you drink.

- And all voters are ours. - Max!.. - Maxim!.. - No? - No. � That�s all.

Well, guys, working? Did you think of it already?

Sasha, listen, so for the country-style commercial...

...we need a grandpa, a goat, a perron.

And Igor Vladimirovich will hug the grandpa sort of:

..."Don�t worry Ivan Mitrofanovich, we�ll improve the life in the village".

- Ok? - Yeah.

Is it necessary to name him Ivan Mitrofanovich?

- Sasha, yes. - Sasha, a goat will be Zoyka.

- There are no little things here. - Well, all right, enough.

- So what do we have? - Maxim, go away.

- You don�t need me yet, do you? � We don�t. - OK.

Luxurious rally according to all drama laws:

�square before the administration building, crowds of people...

�7 in the morning.

- Early, nobody will get up. - 7:15, not later.

The crowd is silent. Single shouts...

Lyusya! Let him scream Lyusya!

- Lyusya is pregnant. - Genius! Genius!

A pregnant lady in the crowd � it�s� This is an amazing directing element!

What crowd?! She is seven months pregnant.

We�ll say that she�s pregnant from the governor,

...she's having twins from him.

And will we find children?

And what about Chuk and Gek, our wonderful midgets!

And finally climax - �

�the crowd is rushing in the administration building...

...screaming, which is good for us.

We need to tell them to take the thermos with tea.

I want tea with sugar! And lemon!

Working, kids? God help you.

How did Spartak play with Saturn yesterday? Do you know?

I don�t know. I�m not interested in football.

Sorry.

- Making things up, kids? - Yeah.

- How did Spartak play yesterday? Do you know? � He knows. � They won!

Oh good! They let those rednecks know who is who!

- Shall we drink a bit for this occasion? - No, no, sir, we�re working.

So help you God. Meanwhile I�m gonna have a drink.

To drink for Spartak is an honorable thing!

Hey, pour me in some vodka, son! About a hundred grams!

Or better yet - 150!

And give me those nuts too.

All right! I�ll drink some tea after.

Lesha, I suggest we have some beer now...

...and get to business tomorrow with our minds clear.

It�s iron logic: "have some beer now" and enjoy "clears mind" tomorrow.

- We�re on the air at 9 a.m. - All right. Let�s get to work.

Sorry to interfere with your conversation, gentlemen,

...but I have an important question.

Who was the director of the cult Japanese film "Memoirs of a Geisha?

Can�t remember� If it�s Japanese then may be it is Kurosawa?

Ku-ra-sa-wa. It fits.

- Great. - Then "Mu-mu" wasn�t written by Turgenev.

Listen, I didn�t choose the right time to come back from Tunisia.

- Ok, tomorrow then? � Tomorrow. - Tomorrow.

DAY TWO

Ok, can anyone tell me: how should I sit?

Where should I look? Where's the camera in the first place?

Nonna, why do you go barking at people like that?

- Leave her alone. Her husband left her. - Anya!.. � Oh, Nonna�

- Max, I didn�t mean that. - Huh! You couldn't keep it to yourself after all.

- Who couldn�t? - Are you kidding me?!

Nonna, why did Volodya leave?

Thank you very much, Anya.

- So where is Nonna? - Sasha, you know what?..

Ah, you are here! And where is Kamil?

- Anya, why isn't Kamil here? - Sasha, I�m here, at the console.

Why didn�t you change clothes? I spoke Russian to you.

I�m by the way, working. One, one, one. Do you hear me?

I hear, hear.

[Kamil to the microphone:] And who was left by her the husband?

- The husband left?! From who? - From nobody! Nonna is doing well.

- Anya!.. - Well, what did I say now?

He let it out.

Listen, did you all team up on me?!

So, Anya, where�s Igor Vladimirovich?

I�m here. I�ve been sleeping here on a chair...

...for 2 hours already in order not to oversleep.

Attention! I, as project manager,

�forbid anyone to interfere in the private life of employees.

In particular, to discuss Vladimir leaving Nonna.

- This is life, anything can happen. - Tell him to shut up, ah!

[Kamil:] Nonna, Maxim, get ready! We are going on the air in 30 seconds!

Just don�t cry, otherwise the make-up will run.

[Kamil:] Two, one. Go!

- Good morning, dear listeners! - Good Morning!

DJ Max of the "Kind of radio" hanging out with you.

And beautiful Nonna.

"Kind of radio" in cooperation with the Volga TV�

�are opening a daily series of programs called "Meet Igor Vladimirovich".

We�ll talk on the air about our candidate for five minutes.

A spiel starts.

A spiel starts!

I am an average man: for breakfast I like an omelet with sausage�

�and, yes, a cup of strong tea, sweet tea.

I�m like you that's why I understand your problems.

[Anya:] In the image, in the image. [Max:] Sit down.

- I�m sorry and who was left by her husband? - From me! Oh!

- I�m sorry! - It doesn�t hurt, it doesn�t hurt!

I was just curious.

- Give me the spiel. - Anya, where is the bathroom?

What? What?

It�s my fault again, yes.

Yes, Victor Fedorovich, yes, getting settled. I'm starting to get it.

[Moscow region. State dacha] No, I haven�t started to miss home yet � too much work.

I met with governors the whole day.

Now I have the meeting with Emelyanov.

Well, how�s it?! He�s running for the third term.

So we need to reconcile.

Ah, you reconciled already! Then I don�t understand why we involved him?

Ah! Yeah, right.

Let him run around � he�ll be easier to deal with.

Yes, yes, Victor Fedorovich, thank you. See you soon.

[Singing:] A soldier was walking home and met these guys.

"Who�s your mama, guys?" - He asked those guys.

"Our mama is anarchy, our daddy is a glass of port!"

Lesha, excuse me, a conifer that starts with F?

Fir tree, Lord.

I also think so, Lesha, but there are only 3 letters.

- Are you sure it�s F? - Fitzgerald down.

- Slava, Lesha!.. - Ah! - Oh!

Kamil, you are a Special Forces employer.

- What?! - Colonel of FSB in plain clothes.

What, do you mean that? Listen, to hell with all of this!

- The main thing is you can�t drink outside. Nonsense! � Kamil, be strong.

I ask your forgiveness, and you're working, huh?

- Yes. - Yep. � And we, to be precise, are going to the swimming pool.

- Will anyone join us? - Well, I probably can but�

But I can see you are all busy.

Well, some other time.

We�re waiting for you!

- Glory, Lesha, he's approaching. - Who? � A director!

Here it is, your Aurora!

And where�s the weapon that will fire a historic shot?

- Wait, please. - After you. - Why?

Because after us the deluge.

20 kopeck, I should write it down.

Here you are.

[Singing:] To scream without screaming, To knock without knocking,

�to fly without the wings and not to look.

What we are, what we were...

�and what we were able to overcome, overcome...

I know you�ll forgive everything and you�ll understand me..

[Reading Sport-Express news paper] Just look at what Galatasaray has been doing!..

God bless you, court nobility!

- Meet Sasha! - Kamil! - Director!

Call me just Sanya. No formalities.

There�s a lot of formality though. Just look at the festival in Monchegorsk!

- Lesha. - Sanya.

Rostislav.

An old russian name!

- Igor Vladimirovich. - Pleased.

A few words about myself.

During the last 6 plus years truly yours, I have been the head of�

�the monster called "Russian Petuhov Regional Drama Theater".

Great! Let�s get straight to the point.

Sanya, 30 thousand rubles, ok?

Well, my friends, my dearest gentlemen, it�s not a worthy offer.

I staged a "Boogieman" in Cheboksary. Gosh did I have a big budget!

Wait a second, You probably misunderstood me. It�s just for you.

Holy Jesus, mother of God!

- What about the rest?.. - Another 50 thousand rubles.

Well, I figured we�d get about this much.

Excuse me, do you happen to have an old man who looks like a rural citizen,

�whose name is Ivan Mitrofanovich?

We�ll find one. Also a little surprise is waiting for you tonight.

- "Puya"!.. - What? � "Puya"?

- Or "Piya"?.. - "Piya"?�We�ll find it too.

Oh! "Thuja"! I�m sorry.

DAY THREE

[TV:] Could anyone foresee that this object will have a significant impact�

�on the political situation in the region.

Just about every housewife keeps it in the kitchen,

�but not everyone knows that it�s called a "gavelock".

- What�s it called? � Gavelock. - Gavelock?

[TV:] They used to be in great demand

�but in recent years the situation changed dramatically.

Listen, we are screwed. Here is the real fight going on.

- And what did you expect? A huge region? - Well, yes.

I have a creative personality, I might have some interests.

- I�m not cheating on him. - Is it so?!

Well, I don�t cheat in my spirit.

To be short, don�t be such a red-neck.

Gossiping?

Girls, take me on your team. I also like gossiping.

And what do you want to know?

Yes, my husband left me! And the whole crew knows about it!

I didn�t get it. Probably I said something wrong?

I just have the bottle of Sheridan�

We need to sail somehow.

What are these Cossacks doing here?

Hey, seriously, where did they come from, ah?

They galloped here, Slava.

200 years ago they were moved here from the Don,

�and since then they settled in this city and hold this Kitchenware plant.

Sasha, did you hear the Cossacks are in the city?

Does Frunze know?

Listen, it doesn�t hurt with a cavalry sword, right?

- Nothing? Bang and that�s it� - Come on!..

I�m sure they are civilized people. Or not?

Not for somebody else, but for you, kitty-cat,

...these civilized people will think of death...

�scary, ferocious one.

- Listen, Maybe we shouldn�t have to be there? - Unacceptable!

It�s 10% of the electorate! Are you all right?!

I didn't get it, why are you so brave?!

I'm warning you: when they line us up on the deck, whistle with a whip and ask:

�"Who is the executive officer here?!" - I won�t keep my mouth shut.

Calm down! There are police at the pier, probably.

So we�ll be also beaten up with batons.

[Everyone is singing, except Lesha:] Go up you, friends, go to your places!

The last parade is coming up!

Our proud Varyag doesn't surrender to enemies, nobody wishes the mercy!

Listen, enough! Idiots!

Privolzsk city

But maybe "Pha"?

There is a Georgian tree Pha? Or Japanese one?..

Are you sure about Fitzgerald?

Here the authors are quoting from his book so�

- Ah! "Pih"! - "Pih"? - Yep.

It�s a form of the masculine gender.

Maxim! Maxim, what Pih?!

What Pih?! You can't keep your mind of Pih!

- Igor Vladimirovich, did you memorize the speech? - Yes, of course. - Good.

- Cossacks, my dear! Can I?.. - No, no I believe. I believe.

Look, this is an order. Look here!

I know what to do!

We need to write down all the combinations...

...from three letters, the first one is P.

- But there are millions of them! � So what?!

We need to understand what kind of tree it is.

Then start writing them down right now. Just go to your cabin to do it.

I'll go, go to the cabin.

Let�s go!

Go!

Everyone follow me!

How does it look, that gavelock?

I�m telling you, a piece of wood...

...with the iron on the end, it's for getting pans out.

And they don�t know about the greatest invention of humanity � �

�frying pans with the attached gavelocks to them? � Maxim!..

- People call it a frying pan with a handle. - Max, stop it! That�s enough!

Wait, I'll leave for second for bar, I�ll get something there and that�s it.

Friends, there are some military guys there.

I showed them a different direction...

�but they didn�t believe me and are still walking towards here.

You don�t need me now indeed. I�ll go for now.

So what, how�s the spirit? Are you ready for the first concert?

It�s started.

Ataman Paramonov. Who is the main one here?

Me?!

Wrong answer! I�m the main one here!

- Who gave the permission for the concert? - And why do we have to?..

Because in this city everything is agreed through me.

But the freedom of speech�

And there is freedom only for one speech, my speech.

So I recommend in order to avoid all different�

�incest, we need fuck off from here as soon as possible.

So, good!.. You settled well!

I�m there, as you can see, working, and they�re here fooling around!

If there is no work I�ll find it I have no end of work!

Kamil Renatovich, comrade colonel, this is Cossack chief man Paramonov.

And what should I do about that?..

- Who? - Cossack chief man Paramonov.

Do you remember we looked at his case last night and decided that he suits us?

Let me have a talk, comrade colonel?

- I let you. - Thank you.

- Cossack chief man Paramonov� - I! What do you mean?..

- Who are you, ah? - You don�t need to know that yet.

- And tell me, our dear� Who�s there?.. � Just a moment.

- Alexey Anatolievich. - Yes, we know. - We know.

- How? - You don�t need to know that yet either.

So did they call you?

- Nope. - No. - Nobody.

- Why didn�t they call? - They didn�t have time.

Well, Alexey Anatolievich, this is a cover.

- What? - The whole story about the election is a cover.

America became interested in the plant.

- Who? - Americans.

- They are going to buy its production in bulk. � Why?

- Russian exotic. - Yes.

Think yourself: Putin, nesting dolls, black caviar, gavelock.

Alexey Anatolievich, I don�t understand, are you going to cooperate with us?

Or maybe we should look for someone else?

- No! Why somebody else?! You don�t need somebody else! � Good decision.

So stop by after the concert,

�and we�ll sign all necessary documents.

Am I saying things right, Kamil Renatovich?

Yes! As there�s nothing that happens in this life just for the heck of it!

Even sheep are in fur coats!

Here it is, Alexey Anatalievich!

And try somehow to get used to this idea.

- Well, let�s nail down our agreement to statement? � Maxim!..

What?! We are always ready to nail anything down.

Moreover, Alexey Anatolievich, there�s an opinion that you shouldn't vote...

�for the acting governor in the upcoming election.

Not many chances that he�ll continue his political career in your region.

- And what will he do? - Where are we sending him?

He�s going to Tunisia as an ambassador.

- And why Tunisia? - Well, where else?!

That�s right too!

The Cossack station. Gathering.

Cossacks, where are you? I'm coming to you!

- Nonna, you�re so brave! - Nonna, what Cossacks?!

Guys, I�ve just seen Nonna. She can�t work, she�s absolutely drunk.

- Maxim can not either. � What can�t I?! I can! Yes, for some reason I can't.

So what should we do?! That�s it, I'm getting out.

Cossacks! I won�t get out! What are we doing?!

So what, guys, is it time for me?

- It�s time, father, go. - We are blessing you.

Thank you! I�m leaving!

Lord, help us and save us, please!

Dear brothers and sisters,

�let our place with all its close-by villages�

�and gardens be blessed.

Starting the first centuries in Russia,

...arrival from the water, on a boat, and on a steamer...

�was considered a good sign.

As it says: all are blessed who sailed to the polls.

And let them all be met with open heart

�let them be fed, provided drinks�

�and put to bed.

What, priest, won�t you drink to the health of our Cossack chief man?

For checking reason, the whole glass.

You�re hoping to scare me?

Me, the orthodox father!

And with what?!

To the chief man!

Well, you, father, is a frantic minister of religion.

But why do some get everything and some get nothing?

[Singing:] There where a maple rustle over the river waves�

�you and I are talking about love.

That maple finished rustling, haze�s covered the sight.

And love, as a dream, passed by.

Stop! That�s it, I came. Give me the mic and go away.

I have something to tell them.

[Holy Father:] Vote, everybody!

Well, my dearest friends,

�Father Innokentiy blessed our half rally half concert.

And now the candidate for the governor of our region will take the stage.

�Igor Vladimirovich Tsaplin.

Victoria Alexandrovna, I beg you, please, get her out of here.

Lesha, I�m really sorry. It�s my fault.

Hey! They�re chasing us out of here.

Let�s go to the bar then. I�ll call Volodya.

You called him like 30 times already.

Then I�ll call him 30 times more. He�s my husband after all. My honey.

Bastard! Son of a bitch! Jerk!

Cossacks, being a grand nephew...

...of Grigory Melikhov, how can I not know this?..

Is he really Grigory Melikhov�s grand nephew?

- Well, if he says so. - Dear God!

And I�ll agree with the great Cossack poet�

�Alexander Yakovlevich Rozembaum:

�it�s not just a Cossack�s cavalry sword that is dear to this land but also a gavelock�

�.which is his dear friend.

In short, I don�t want to see this mess any more!

We all think alike here, we�re a team!

And not until each member of the team does his best�

�will we be able to resolve the task at hand.

And now go and clean yourselves.

A real leader!

Let�s drink to that "team"!

God help us!

[Ataman:] That�s right, candidate! Right!

- Give me the sword! - The sword? � The sword!

We just wanted to present it to our current governor...

...but just look at what he did to us -...

�he went to Moscow!

What�s more important to him Moscow over there or us here?!

So, Cossacks, should I present the sword to Igor Vladimirovich?

Lyubo!

So, take it as a sign of our love and respect.

[Singing:] Oh my glass, my silver glass which I put on the sword.

Excuse me, who is Lyuba?

[Moscow. Mir Hotel] All right. If they don�t see us before two o�clock tomorrow we are going.

They didn�t tell us either "yes" or "no".

You were able to do that. Then you are making your own decisions.

I'll make a decision myself.

Well, then why did they call you up?

Man, why did you tell me about that?!

[Singing:] Don�t! Don�t be afraid of me! I won�t touch you � don�t worry.

Don�t! Don�t be afraid of me! I won�t touch you - don�t worry.

Ok, boys,

�everything that we offered about gavelocks �...

...we hit the bull's eye on everything.

Let�s drink to your fair heads!

It�s the third time already.

How about fair ladies?..

- Your name? Nonna? - Nonna. � Oh, thanks.

Dear Nonna, dear Svetlana�

- I�m Lelya. - I remember.

And, of course, dear Victoria Alexandrovna.

It�s difficult to express the feelings that we have now

�this feeling that embraces this, this�

-Let�s have a drink. - Thank you.

Two scotches, please.

The white stripe has started.

[TV:] Today people wearing white clothes walked around the city, chanting:

..."Done with king Herod! Done with Emelyanov!"

Rumor has it that for tomorrow a big rally of midgets is scheduled who�ll be carrying banners reading

..."The governor does not notice us!"

DAY FOUR

And we have legitimate ground to believe...

...that tomorrow during the all-Cossack meeting...

�the decision will be made to vote for Igor Vladimirovich Tsaplin.

DJ Max and beautiful Nonna were hanging out with you.

- Yesterday. And today Rostislav was on the air. -And Rostislav.

- And Alexei. � And Rostislav. - So long. � Good bye.

Stop! The spiel has started.

Are you an idiot?! You are. Slava?! We are live! Are you ok?!

- Lesha, why are you yelling at me? - Idiot! � Look at him.

- Look at yourself. You bastard! - Lesha, why bastard?

- Nonna didn�t show up at all. - Take your shirt. I�m working for you!

And where�s the picture? Are we live, Kamil?

- Come down. We were on the air already. - Yeah? And what did they say?

That the project manager missed the air time sleeping.

Good, good. What?!

Good, good. Very good.

You know, it�s always better at home.

See, the elections are in three days...

...and they don't call. Should I wait for them?!

That�s not nice of them.

Hard to tell. Probably it is.

It is. Of course it is.

Is there anything else?

Emelyanov speaking. Hi. Yes.

In half an hour?

We will. Where is it?

Oh, dacha! I know. Yes, we will. Yes, yes.

Go. Go I said. "It is", "It�s not" � who are you to judge?

To be brief, he�ll send you 5 of these gavelocks today by DHL.

When you receive them, submit them to expert evaluation.

Well, how do you know what expert evaluation to send them to?!

Well, check if these gavelocks are real or fake.

Well, Yasha, I don�t know. Stall for time, that�s it.

Good Morning!

Guys, well, we did a good job. We conquered the entire city.

Vika, I�m bored.

Well, I even don�t know what to offer you.

Thanks a lot. I understand you. Yes, say Hi to Olya.

- That�s it. Ok, bye, bye. - Dear Slava,

...and why do you never talk to me?

I must have offended you somehow. What did I do?

No, It'll be a great pleasure talking with you. It�s just�

Excuse me for interfering.

He is just so shy.

Please, don�t pay attention to him.

What good friends you've got!

[Top secret military base] Listen, Emelyanov,

�what do you say if we use our howitzers on our Moscow friends?

Why?! Why is it a bad joke?

In fact it�s not a joke.

Ok, ok, don�t worry!

Nobody is going to let them in here! Why would we need them here?!

- Comrade commander� - Wait!

- Good! - Yes sir!

[Lieutenant general I. A. Burdun] Remember that all the soldiers of the region�

�support you.

And this, by the way, together with their families,

...gives you 18 per cent of the population as you know!

But these soldiers expect

�that the governor in his turn won�t fail to notice their presence.

Maybe we�d better use a torpedo on them?

The city of Vzvejsk

Lesha, tomorrow�s speech at the military is questionable now.

- Why�s that? - I talked to some colonel.

He said they�re having some maneuvers there,

...they are testing some secret equipment.

Not only do they refuse to let us into the base...

...but they won't even allow us on the pier.

- It�s ok, we�ll just take a rest. - Rest?

All the generals of the region will be there.

We have to make an appearance too.

- Slava� - We have to. I think we�ll do it like this:

...we'll get close to the base by crawling.

Then take out the guards and take the floor. - Very funny.

And we also get an air support from seagulls.

You know what kind of support? Moral support.

God, I always liked witty guys so much.

[Lesha:] Yeah, me too. [Slava:] Thanks.

Well, I meant� Ok, stop laughing.

Are we really going to get there? How would I know?

The colonel told me that only...

...a district commander can give a permission for the concert.

Ok, let�s rest.

I�m sorry, the thing is that I know a little�

�the head of public relations department in Federal Security Service.

If we could get some files on this commander in chief.

We could get some interesting information there.

- Are we going to blackmail him or what? - Well, I don�t know.

We�ll see, ok?

Alright.

- What do you want? - Let�s try it.

Hello, Lena? Put me on the phone with Sergei Nikolaevich, please.

Borya and Fedya

Hey, tough guy, it�s me.

Can you get me some files on some prick?

Where are you looking at, Slava? There�s a tough guy.

- Lesha, don�t touch me. - He�ll just bite you, that�s all.

I have to interrupt your conversation but the thing is that�

�Alexander Sergeevich is talking to some people there.

And I have a strong impression that He�s in a tough situation.

- What? � Yes, he�s discussing his problems with some outlaws.

I�m becoming more and more convinced that we got run over by them.

Igor Vladimirovich, how do you know all this?

Maxim, I spent four years in jail.

I can tell you about it later but right now we need to do something.

No! God forbid something happens!

No, what can happen? We have a license.

No! Recently people here began to like our governor very much.

And the governor himself, I must admit, abruptly got warmer towards people.

Can�t you understand...

...that too many people suffered before we came to an agreement.

Well, our citizens must have the opportunity to choose.

- Citizens? Why citizens? - Wait!

Just imagine what�s happening.

The workers of our distillery � a lot of people by the way -

� when they are at their working places They like our governor very much.

So you show up and tell them: "vote for Ivan Ivanovich",

�"vote for Ivan Ivanovich". - Igor Vladimirovich.

I don�t give a damn!

People in this situation can do whatever they want.

- So why would we need a Russian riot? Merciless and cruel? � Wait!

Well, we did talk to the chief executive of your plant.

Hey, asshole,

�get this through your head, - don�t do that. Do I need to tell you three times?

I�m not gonna tell you the fourth time because I won�t have to.

Sasha, where are the guys? Where�s everybody?

Looks like everybody�s dead on this ship.

Everybody�s gone? Where to?

You are busy, aren�t you?

Hey, my dear friend, who�s over there? It�s Vika, isn�t it?

- What Vika? - Ok, ok.

- Oh! Victoria Alexandrovna. - Oh!

Isn�t Victoria Alexandrovna just Vika?

Oh, it�s Vika, she�s a companion of Emanuel Gedeonovich.

Well, yes, all of us here are running his errand.

Really? Why didn�t anyone warn us?

- Maybe you have problems? - They don�t allow us to hold the concert. - Who?!

You.

- When was that?! - Ok, wait, wait!

Hey, don�t you go anywhere. I mean don�t sail anywhere.

Who wouldn�t want some festivities?!

- So what�s going on in your region? - Everything�s fine.

Everything? Really?

Well, not everything. But it�s fine.

Fine?

Well, not fine but ok.

I can�t get this: why do you spend so much time in Moscow?

- You are having elections in three days? - Really? But... what about?..

I�m leaving tomorrow.

Are you? Ok, then go.

- Have a safe trip. - There were some issues... concerning you.

Issues? All the issues will be resolved on a routine basis.

There are no issues that can not be resolved.

- So what? - Nothing.

We�ll give you a call.

It�s your fault that you didn�t come! People came.

I don�t care who�s giving a speech. It makes no difference.

[Distillery in the city of Vzvejsk] Ok, you�ll explain that to him later.

- You will. � Shall I not let these ones in since they came from Emanuel?

Oh, what a job you and me got ourselves, right, Fedya?

I feel like breaking someone�s neck now but whose neck I don�t know.

- Boris Sergeevich? -Yes? - Emergency!

You�re an idiot!

Do you understand what you�ve just done?!

[Singing:] It seems like just yesterday You carried your school bag and smoked cigarettes with your friends in the backyard.

Followed every possible law.

Do you realize that you personally cost me one hundred grand?!

- I mixed them up. - How could you mix them up?!

- They are of a different color! - I�m color blind.

You are color blind. So what?!

- Can�t you distinguish red from green? - I can�t.

You�re a transvestite Masha And this means

�that happiness will come by your place too today.

You�re a transvestite Masha. It doesn�t cry, it only hums popular songs.

All right, Ivan Andreevich Burdun, Lieutenant general, district commander.

Slava, I know all this. What did you notice?

- Here�s what I noticed. � Look at this funny thing. Comfortable. � What thing?!

Come on, Slava I didn�t mean that. Let�s go.

In 1988 in Germany Burdun exchanged a mortar and three AK-47 assault rifles�

�for a cut-glass chandelier and a copy of Rubens painting.

- Not enough. � Not enough? - Come on, give me more.

From 1990 until 1993 he was the commander...

...of one of the units in this district.

During this period of time cable of total length of 120 kilometers disappeared from that base�

�The cable was a unique alloy of palladium and iridium used for establishing special communication.

- Those are extremely expensive metals. - Well, great.

- No, they are dozens of times as expensive as gold. - Very good.

- Why would they make cable out of them? - I don�t know that.

Just remember those times. Army was a priority.

No, no, now we won�t be able to prove anything. What�s gone is gone.

- Anya, did you get through to the commander? - No.

- You must do that! � I�m trying. - Keep trying.

I have to control everything. So you?.. Oh! You�re working.

All right, the concert started.

Greetings to the manufacturers of alcoholic beverages!

Come on, guys, let�s make some noise for the proletarian underground.

[Singing:] My parents named me Kolya,

And my life was pretty tough.

It took my old my old man a couple of years to drink himself to death.

My mom went that way too pretty soon.

So I had to seek education myself.

It�s understandable that I didn't find all my friends in the museums.

We were just boys, just snot noses.

- Interesting! � We take our pride in our cognac "Starry night".

- Interesting! � Just hold it in your mouth and You�ll feel a subtle�

�yet rich taste.

Pour in more so he has enough to sample in his mouth.

- Maxim, are you drinking again? - No, I�m just sampling.

I was lured by a criminal way of life.

I learned some tricky games and judo.

In short, given all that I could�ve stayed in jail forever.

- Don�t! � Here�s a sample. 20 grams, 50 brands. - Oh, ok then.

But this is one liter!

Interesting! I couldn�t taste it well.

I sing these awesome songs.

We�re noble singers of our people,

we wear comfortable knickers.

In the presence of such civilized guys like us I ask you not to cuss.

- Listen, what if we do it vice versa? � What do you mean?

- Give him an award. - What award?

- Well, this Burdun, did he do anything good? - I don�t know.

- Well, take a look, please. - All right.

Ok, in 1982 he was a military advisor in Syria.

- So what? � Nothing.

- There's nothing more about him. - Try to find something else.

- Ok. � Well? � Wait! What if the award found its hero?

- What do you mean? � Syrian authorities found him and awarded him a medal...

�in Syria for being a� good boy.

And on many happy days to come�

�they�ll remember our names.

Nikola Sokol was with you!

Come on, proletariat!

Come on! Distillery rules!

It�s my fault that we didn�t welcome you the way we should have.

I�m sorry � I got caught up in things.

- Let�s have a drink� - We have an emergency every five minutes here.

Our product engineer just spoiled 50 tons of port wine.

Added some dye for the lemonade to it.

50 tons of green port wine! Can you believe it?

That�s not the point, guys. The most important thing �...

...the day after tomorrow we are presenting a new port wine brand.

One hour live on the air, press conference, a lot of reporters.

And it�s green!

Borya, is there gonna be a lot of reporters?

Reporters from the entire region.

- Just a second. One hour of live air time? - Yeah.

Listen, Borya, what if we combine brands?

- I�m sorry� - I�ll explain everything in a second.

You have a port wine, I have a candidate.

What if we combine the brands. What do you say?

- We unite. - Yes.

We�ll create some new common slogan.

Something like "New governor brings a new color".

And name it "Green port wine Igor Vladimirovich".

We�ll put a photo of our candidate on a label of your port wine.

- Oh! It�s a new color. � Yeah. - Well, it�s something.

Ok, fellas! This is something.

Are we intruding?

Victoriya Alexandrovna!

Come in. What have you been yapping about. Excuse my language.

- Lelya Alexandrovna - It�s Vladimirovna!

This is a great patronymic name! A great one!

The guys here offered me a new idea about our new brand.

You, Boris, should listen to these guys.

They made a lot of money on that "Orange rivers" soda.

Victoria Alexandrovna, will you please

�tell Emanuel Gedeonovich about the way we greeted you here.

I sure will.

Those two cars filled with copper which first disappeared and then came back again�

It was a total misunderstanding.

- And the guilty have been punished already. - Yeah.

Oh, him again!

[TV:] At the same time after a half year hiatus the Volga Gavelock Factory resumed its work..

[TV:] Rumor has it that Igor Tsaplin made an offer to the factory management. After this offer the factory has been running non-stop in three shifts for the last two days.

What is that?!

[Governor�s residency] Can anyone explain me what�s going on?!

Well, we don�t really know yet.

We�ve scheduled a meeting for tomorrow.

We are going to discuss the situation here.

- Did you get through to Paramonov? - He doesn�t answer.

Doesn't answer? What do you mean?!

- Doesn�t answer the phone at all? � Well, just long beeps and no answer.

Doesn�t he understand that I�ll nail his ass?!

Do you understand that I�ll nail his ass?!

I do, you will.

- Doesn�t he realize this?! - Probably he does...

...but still doesn't answer the phone.

Now those Borya and Fedya from the distillery�

Did anyone touch them?

Tax office, prosecutor�s office? Be honest with me!

- Well, no. - Hmm� Then what�s up with them?..

They also don�t realize that I�ll nail their asses?!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Smoke Over Water here with you.

Borya and Fedya send you their greetings

�and by their request we�ll perform a slow and beautiful song.

[Singing:] I�m standing alone at the night booth,

My friends must be sleeping by now.

- Look how quickly they made that label. - Sch-sch-sch.

Oh, what a song!..

The flow of cars stopped long ago, no tire noises.

And I�m alone in this night booth�

- Feels like an 8th grade dance party. - Yeah.

You�re just standing and waiting for him to ask you for a dance, right?

So he�s coming towards you but asks your friend.

Offence, desperation, I�m-the-worst stuff.

But in 10 years you find out that he wanted to ask you

�but got scared at the last moment.

Because I seemed so unapproachable.

Well then I�ll go ask Anya, ok?

Slava, you understand everything so quickly. I�m scared.

Me too.

All the lights in the city are out, and no one else is going to come.

[inscription on a brochure] "Giving up drinking".

Starting the life chronicle of my character, Alexei Fedorovich Karamazov,

�I find myself in a bit of confusion.

Because of the following: although I call...

�Alexei Fedorovich my friend and�

Night booth, night booth�

If a person experiences a stressful situation

�the only radical way to reduce tension�

�is to eliminate the source of the stress.

Night booth, night booth And the winter wind is so severe...

And in the silence you can hear the sound of a guitar.

Can you play something good?!

[Singing:] Big cities

Empty trains...

What is this?

[Reading:] Doctor Baltazar "Renovation of your inner self�

�in an incomplete solar cycle".

I�ll try once more, ok? [Reading:] Doctor Baltazar�

What don�t you understand? This is a star diagram of my life.

- So what does it mean? - He didn�t say.

He just says: one day you�ll understand everything yourself.

He just said that this is me and this is Volodya.

You see right here our roads intersect and here there�s a gap.

[With irony:] Volodya fell in a gap.

Hey, Nonna, let�s carefully correct it with a pencil.

�and no one�s gonna notice anything.

What kind of crap is that, you bastard?!

- I�m opening up my soul to you and you� Jerk! � Nonna, wait!

- Get away from me! - Nonna, I won�t pick it up.

- I�m begging you! What are you doing?! Stop! � What do you want from me?

Can�t you see? It�s not me, it�s her!

I can't help but react. I'm living human being.

You�ll be a dead one in a minute.

- Bastard! � What is it, Nonna? - Nonna, what happened?

You keep quiet, you little stinker!

- Stinker?! Why stinker?! - Lesha, relax, you are not a stinker.

You smell great like unisex.

- And what happened? - Well, she�s got a star diagram.

- She�s got what? - What?

Was anything unclear in what I�ve just said?

Igor Vladimirovich, why didn�t you tell us that you were in jail?

My God, Sasha, it wasn�t worth it. It was just for four years.

For what?

It�s an interesting story. I was involved in some murrelet affair.

Murrelet?

Do you remember those hats made of murrelet?

- Yes, sure. - What were they made of?

- Made of murrelet. � That�s right. - What are murrlets?

Well, something like an otter, I guess.

Everyone thinks so but nobody knows.

- We made them from cats. - You should have gotten about 8 years for that.

I did get about eig...

Nonsense! Where are we going to get this medal, documents for it and a box?

I�ve got a nice cookie box. Calling me a stinker!

- Calm down, it�s over! - Kamil will right...

...some papers in Tatar. We'll laminate them,

�and get our documents. - Great! Where will we get the medal itself?

- I don�t know, we must look for it. � Slava, Slava� - What?

What is it?

Ok, we have an expensive belt of "Dior" brand.

Slava, we�ll tie the ribbon and put it in the box...

We�ll get a third degree "Dior" medal.

This is my medal, I mean this is my belt, Slava!

- Get your hands off it! - I�m holding it, Slava.

Unpack it, unpack it! Take it out!

Victoria Alexandrovna, tell them!

Boys, you should change your mind about not going to the pool.

It�s so nice there, it relaxes you.

Slava, I thought you liked swimming. And your shoulders!

- What about them? - They�re hairy. � Get out of here!

Yes, yes, Yanik.

What?

Your sentence itself is not an issue but those murrlets�

Oh! Do you mind serving time for something different?

Guys can arrange this.

To be honest with you, I wouldn�t like that.

- But if I have to� - You have to!

If our goal requires that, if Emanuel Gedeonovich asks me then I�m ready!

But just two years, no more.

My birthday is February 29. Once every four years.

That�s right. So how old are you now?

Ok, Yanik called.

He said that he gave those gavelocks for examination after all.

It was established that the metal part of a gavelock is made of�

�some unique alloy.

Ok, now he pays about 18 cents per each gavelock

�and he can sell each of them for at least 200 dollars.

Slava, Slava, Yanik fooled you. What alloy? Gavelock alloy?

Max, he says 30 % palladium, 20 % iridium, everything else is copper.

Slava, those are extremely expensive metals.

They are dozens of times more expensive than gold.

Extremely expensive metals, dozens of times more expensive�

Dozens of times more expensive� I think I used this phrase today already.

Lieutenant general Burdun.

- Do you realize what he did? - Not yet. - No?

Well, he sold 120 km of this cable to the Cossacks.

- Do you understand, Lesha? He must be a millionaire by now. - No way! � Why?

He sold it as scrap. Otherwise they wouldn�t have bought it.

So he sold strategic material worth millions of dollars for almost nothing.

Now it�s getting very interesting but I still don�t understand.

It�s not the point, Max.

But now all the military in this district will vote for us.

Top secret military base

[Singing:] I flunked my chemistry class and my physics class.

I was standing there and smoking when I saw her in the hall.

Hello, Gena Ivanov.

- Are they working live? - Yes, they are. Here.

I felt love and opened my arms.

My first teacher. She was my last one too.

[Speaking Tatar]

- What�s this? - Well, sort of hello.

[Speaking Tatar]

[Interpreting:] The Syrians remembered that 1983 year

...by presence in their country...

�of the group of Russian military consultants which included I. A. Burdun.

[Speaking Tatar]

Talk without that bla-bla-bala. Speak Tatar normally.

[Interpreting:] The Syrian proverb says: If a Russian came to your house

�quickly wash his legs and put him at the table.

- It�s too much, ah? - Good.

Our guest bestows the order "Dior" III degree to Ivan Andreevich Burdun.

According to Russian traditions we suggest to drink to it. That�s it.

- I gave up with it! � Are you all right? Are you crazy?..

- You say this over there! Crazy? - Lesha, if you drank as much as I did!

Lesha, it�s nonsense, seriously. How can we let him go to the stage, ah?!

- Well, can I take off the cloth? - Go ahead! - Go!

My lawless love, my not legitimate love.

The foolish, cowardly fates screwed us with cruelty.

Nonna, one more time: stand, be silent, smile, make a happy mug.

Got it?

The threat of punishment didn�t scare us.

Nonna, one more time: Stand, be silent, smile.

Not a happy article � sexual seduction of a minor..

Vote for Igor Vladimirovich Tsaplin!

- Did you serve in the army yourself? � Yes. No. Why, did I have to?

- You � no. - Thank you.

- Military personnel, thank you for your great job. � Thank you.

Thank you and your authorities for�

�leaving your business and coming to our meeting, talk, concert all together.

Thank you.

Now let me for the ceremonial presentation of the letter of award...

�from the Republic of Syria invite here to this stage your commander �

...Igor, I beg your pardon, Ivan Andreevich Burdun,

...and also the candidate for governor in your area Igor Vladimirovich Tsaplin.

- I�ll puke now. - It�s normal.

Comrades, Russian and Syrian people, as it says,

...were always deeply interlocked.

And that�s why I was granted this award

�as I indeed worthy of this award.

And as our dear president V. Putin said:

�"Nobody�s forgotten and nothing�s forgotten"!

And that�s why our relations with our peoples�

�are getting better and will be better.

Stop it! Set down is wrong, put down is right!

They are being overlaid and will be overlaid on this spot.

We�ll act with you, and that�s what I�m talking about�

�to the present here friends.

- And the main thing which I didn�t mention, but should have. � For sure.

The elections are upcoming! You can vote for anyone.

But why for anyone, when we have our own

�so to say, descendant military man

� the grand-nephew of Marshall Blucher, a political prisoner�

...and Tuhachevskiy,

�Igor Vladimirovich Tsaplin.

Hey, hello! Is anyone there?

Briefly, if anyone votes�

�for someone else

�I�ll show you such "Deep Purple",

�that you�ll regret it till the end of you life.

And let me from behalf of the area command

�grant Igor Vladimirovich a model of an antisubmarine mine.

With exactly the same mine,

...just a little bit smaller, but a different one...

�dolphins, fighting on our side

�blew up the German cruiser Gunter Netzer.

Thank you.

Soldiers, my dear friends,

...serve and know that somebody's awaiting for you.

Mothers are waiting for their sons

� sisters are waiting their brothers,

�aunts� these� uncles.

And I�m waiting for Volodya.

He�ll come back, right?

And where does he serve?

In Karaganda.

Kazakhstan!

It�s quiet there, friends! He�ll come back!

So hooray, friends.

Hooray!

DAY FIVE

Everything that happened tonight didn�t mean anything, right?

I see.

And everything I was talking about is just because I had something to drink.

- Overall, forget about it. - OK.

- What OK? DO you remember what I was telling you?

- No, I forgot. - What do you mean forgot?

Maxim, I was telling you such important things.

Maybe I didn't tell such thing to anyone else in my life.

- You what didn�t listen to me?! - Dear Nonna, you need to decide

�what you want from me. If you need me to remember I will, to forget I will.

Let me take the mic. Otherwise I remember, then forget, forget and then remember.

I�m an average man. I can have something to drink with some snacks on holidays.

I am the same as you are.

So what? How did the radio program go?

God, what�s going on?!

Maxim, can I have you for a second?

- dear Nonna, how was the program? - Good!

- He sticks his nose everywhere! Stinker! - Why am I a stinker?!

That�s what I said?! Why am I a stinker? Great!

Why in the world am I a stinker?!

Why am I a stinker? Huh, where am I a stinker?! And you aren't stinkers?!

You work very well on this trip.

- I�ll report it to Misha. - Sasha, what do you need? Do you need money?

No, I don�t. I talked to Anya tonight.

Well, she was talking about her life.

About her complicated relations with Misha.

- Did Sasha fuck Anya? - Maxim!..

- Maxim, just don�t tell anyone about it. - Of course, Sasha, of course.

Now, wait I�ve got a call. Wait.

[Max:] Hello. Yes, Misha. Hi. [Sasha:] Misha? I am not here.

No, Misha, everything is right. Sasha fucked Anya.

- Maxim, come on. Don�t do it, don�t do it! - I was just joking.

Idiot! She is nice!

Good story? Here we are - I�m a stinker. The thing is I didn�t say anything.

- Oh! Another suit? � Yes, suit. Where�s Slava? I�m looking for him everywhere.

So, Slava, why do I have to look for you everywhere?!

I, by the way, am not the only one who works here.

Musya, Musya, hold on.

Slava�

Slava, what happened?

- Slava, so yes? - Max, well�

- Slava, so yes? � Max, screw you! - Slava, so yes?

- Yes, yes, yes! - Hey, no! � Such a good job!

So, stop, wait.

Maybe we still have the chance.

Slava, did you leave your finger prints on her?

Then it�s useless as she had a bold baby.

Everyone will understand everything.

Why are you trying to scare me?! Why two of you are trying to scare me?!

You know how much I am afraid myself.

I got up in the morning, realized that somebody was lying next to me.

I thought, God, let it be Anya, let it be Nonna.

- Nonna couldn�t. But it�s not important. - Fuck it, even Lesha!

What does "even" mean?! "Even", "stinker"! So what?

Her voice: Yes, dear Emma, everything is good.

And I understand that he came to the ship and now I�ll be fed to sharks,

�which will be put in the Volga just for it. - Oh my Lord!

Slava, well one more question, the last one, - how?

Max, get the hell out.

- Slava, how? - Slava, tell me, how. - You see even Lesha is interested.

- I was drunk, I can�t remember shit. - Try to remember. � Dear Slava�

So Maxim, about the concert. Important detail�

Guys, talk to me too, please.

Ah! I forgot to ask to leave it only between us, yes?

Well, in this case, I address this request to all present here.

Well, why do we need troubles?

By the way, it was good.

What?

I was thinking if we�re talking about the governor term, which is 4 years,

�for good behavior it can be decreased or increased?

You�re funny. How much do you weigh?

Beautiful!

Ouch!

And you didn�t know that many girls...

...don't wear underwear during summer? - Really?

- So what? I see everyone is very busy. - Oh! Alexander Alexandrovich, hello.

Midgets are just treasure.

What about midgets? Shorties will stay shorties.

[TV:] Because somebody worked in the county for 8 years,

...was in the spot light.

�and somebody, as you see, came here to show off his sword.

That all reminds me of the political clownery.

What did he just say? Listen, got it?

You gotta understand that he just spit in my face.

Well, ok, all right, calm down.

I won�t calm down. He insulted our Frankenstein.

Dear gentlemen, I haven�t finished yet.

You recently rejected our song.

- Well, I didn�t reject it? - You did, you did.

We came to conclusions.

And let us show you our songs.

Gentlemen, please! Duet Volga Jingles.

Though you already know them, I showed them to you before.

[Singing:] And you fly, fly over the Volga our joyful ringing bell.

Igor Valdimirovich came to visit us for a long time.

This is our good luck � our Moscow candidate.

Igor Tsaplin is the best. Everyone else sucks.

Very good, Sanya. But in your lyrics you sing "our Moscow candidate".

It�s better to say that he is from your neck of the woods.

That he's a local, from the Volga region.

- And make it tougher. - Ok. - No problem!

Ok, Sanja, no diodes � this is one thing.

I ran out of tin and I have nothing to solder with - that is another thing!

If the amp breaks that�s it, there will be no concert!

These are additional unexpected expenses.

- They must be approved by the management. - Then do it!

Misha and I talk on the phone at 5 o�clock daily.

Sanya, at 5 my machine must be on the square already!

Ok, I warned you. That�s it!

You know what, Kamil?.. Don�t give me ultimatums.

Ultimatums? I�ll show you an ultimatum in a minute!

[Singing:] Who�s an ordinary Russian guy?

Neither from Chechnya nor from Moscow?

Our hereditary Volga region citizen Igor Vladimirovich.

He cares for everybody here, like the Cossacks and fishermen.

Igor Tsaplin rules, everybody else is a fool.

No, no, no! That�s not it! That�s not it!

We need a strike and then catharsis.

Silence! I think we�ve got it!

[Singing:] Who can scatter all the storm clouds in the sky?

Who can achieve everything?

Our great and mighty Igor Vladimirovich.

One, two, we had debates. Now we�ll have to vote.

Igor Tsaplin is a terminator, all the rest are fags.

Explain it to me, please. Can you think of a different rhyme?

No!

DAY SIX

And God�s blessings will descend on those who check the box�

�or put in any other sign at the box corresponding to our candidate.

And now surprise.

A song from the famous "Dentists" TV series�

�is performed by the characters from this series � by the dentists.

This song from the "Dentists" TV series...

...in which we all played the best parts in our careers,

�we�d like to devote this song to our friend, a real man�

�Igor Vladimirovich.

But wait, he�s not Igor for us. He�s just Igie, Garik.

We�ve known each other forever, since we both played in the sand.

One more thing. Our performance today is for free

�because of this heart, because�

We sing for free because all Volodya�s principles are our principles too.

He has great passion. Volodya, we�re with you!

Innokentiy... What�s your patronymic name?

I'm Mikhail Olegovich.

Oh! Ok. Give me your passport information.

Why should you need that, girl?

- We are flying back. Are you going with us? - Oh. No, I�m staying.

I have a buddy here, we served in Afghanistan together.

He offered me a chief accountant position.

- Our dear Volodya� - Igor. - What? - Igor. � What did I say?

You say Volodya.

That�s right � Igor Vladimirovich. His dad�s name is Vladimir.

But he�s not Vladimir for us. He�s just Volodya.

Me and Volodya know each other...

Ok, the song called Dentists from the "Dentists" TV series. Performed by the dentists.

Bring in the smoke!

- I wonder how much these guys were paid. - Oh, don�t even ask.

[Singing:] Those who�ve never been in cavern,

...those who never saw pulpitis face to face,

�should keep silent about hardships of fighting.

He�d better stand in the corner and remember his mom and all his relatives,

�those who never stuck a needle in the gum and never pulled out teeth.

Hey, I�ve just listened to the program on the radio about our base.

They are missing some top secret device over there.

Everyone�s in panic, they are in combat alert.

Is it really a top secret device?

It�s a good thing that we got out of there in time.

They could've blamed us for that.

Oh no, no way!

The thing is Sasha is calling for a meeting in the quarters.

By the way, it�s your fault. How many times did I tell you

�that my amp is about to break? - So what? - Nothing.

How much longer do I have to make things out of thin air?!

I told Sasha. I neede some diodes.

- Kamil, you couldn�t. - My God, it�s not a big deal!

Radio station. That is something!

[Singing:] There�s no space and light there,

There are thick roots sitting there,

�and a pulsing nerve.

Grip your boring machine tighter in your hand, man,

�and you�ll hear a cleansing scream right in your face.

May be I should go back to Blagoveshchensk after all?

I have a wife and three kids there.

6 years ago I went outside to take out trash...

�and right there I found my fate.

[Kamil:] 30 seconds until the air time.

�for our lovely nurse. War will always be war.

And our mouths will always stay the same.

So that was the last addition of our program "Meet Igor Vladimirovich".

Today is a very important day.

At 2 o�clock live we�ll have a final press conference...

�for our candidate.

And in the evening on the central square of the city...

...we'll have a fine concert in support of,

�as we hope, our future governor.

- See you at the concert. - Bye! [Daddy:] Bye!

[Governor�s residence] Why do I learn this only from the reporters?!

So, who scheduled it?

- You did. - What are you talking about?!

This is Borya and Fedya�s press conference.

They are introducing a new port wine.

- What does Tsaplin have to do with it? - He is now the face of this port wine.

Did you at least call Borya and Fedya? Did you tell them to come see me...

�at 7 a.m. sharp?

- We did. - So?

- They said you can bark orders in your Tunisia. - What?!

[Radio station:] - Hello, Igor, can you hear me? - Yes. What is it?

People started gathering on your corner again.

Take some money from them or make them disappear.

These are cops. And here I get an impression that they are checking us.

Or maybe not, now it�s fine.

We are starting to bombard Bolivia on, say, 22 or 23.

Excuse me, mister president, Russia undoubtedly is�

�a strategic partner of the USA but why exactly Bolivia?

- Why Bolivia? - Right away. Hold on, please, Mr. Chaney.

Mr. Chaney... Oh, I'm sorry, not Bolivia, just Libya.

Right now, Bill, L-I -B -Y -A

- Ok. � Cossacks could�ve killed us. Just slice us in two with their sword.

What a wonderful and easy death.

Where have you been? I called you for the meeting!

- It�s a mess there! A secret device is gone! - Sasha, Sasha,

� Stop yelling, we found it. - Where?!

I saw Burdun on the news he�s utterly beside himself.

Sasha, Sasha, come down. There it is. Kamil stole it.

A secret device, a secret!

Took the note off the door, anyone could walk in and take whatever.

I�m sick, I have a high temperature. I need to sit down.

Listen, it�s a really cool thing after all.

You see, it�s not just a receiver, it also works as a transmitter.

I can call anywhere from this thing. I can call your home.

- Don�t call me! � That�s right! What�s the point if you�re here!

- I can� I don�t know� can call Kremlin. - Just a second!

- Did you call somewhere already? - Kamil!..

What are you talking about?!

- Do you think I don�t understand it? - We need to do something, Slava.

Well, I called Galya twice but it�s like nothing.

- Two times, 10 minutes each time. - Are you an idiot?

Guys, I�ll pay for long distance should we need it.

They can eavesdrop on us or whatever they call it...

Sasha� guys we have an emergency.

We are not allowed to enter the regional center.

They say we have a cholera outbreak on our ship.

[The Volga region, regional center] Passengers of "Sergei Abramov" ship,

�cholera germ was detected on this ship.

Because of this fact we are beginning passenger evacuation�

�and ship crew evacuation. We are taking all of you...

...to the infectious disease ward of the city hospital '19.

We ask you to leave the ship staying calm and organized.

Ok, comrade Major, can you tell me...

...where this information about cholera came from.

Also can you present documents authorizing your actions?

- Who are you? � Who am I?! Felix Dzerzhinsky. Have you heard about me?

I think that after that incident that was tragic for all of us...

�you�ll remember both my name and my rank for the rest of your life.

And tell your authorities...

...that the superior officer cancelled the evacuation.

[Borya:] Hey! Guys, here comes our port wine!

Ok, drink it during the press conference so that everyone could see you.

- No, I strongly forbid you to drink. - What?!

In your case, of course, you should drink. You must drink.

Ok, guys, fellows, to our cooperation!

- Come, come here. To our cooperation. - No, we still need to work.

No, no, no, to our cooperation.

Ok, I�m gonna be on deck.

Yes! He didn�t notice, we�re safe.

[Fedya:] Stop drinking!

[Fedya:] Stop drinking, I said. Time to work!

Oh! Here comes the sound. Hey, asshole�

Hey, you, prick, are you deaf or something?!

- I hear you, stop yelling! What�s up? - Everything�s cool.

Due to the product sampling the turnout must be 120%.

Listen� Make sure they don�t get too frigging drunk there.

There�s some other shit is going on in the city.

You can see inscriptions all around the city saying "Tsaplin is a thief".

On the walls, columns, fences. Everywhere.

Send some guys to paint that out. God, is it really a problem?!

No, no, wait! I have an idea about that.

Guys, emergency! Igor Vladimirovich crashed.

- A big one? - Is he dead or what?

- What? � He choked on the foreign cookie...

...and fell from the shelf. He smashed his nose...

�and possibly broke his jaw. - Can he talk?

He can but you can�t understand anything.

Hey, hey, guys. It's time to present it.

I offer you my apologies. There was an accident.

I let you down.

- Rostislav, what should I do with this mine? - Put it on the table.

I think I�m falling out of that race.

Wait a minute! What the hell is that?!

It's a set-up, isn't it?! You mixed it up?

Silence! Oh! Borya, I meant don�t be loud.

Ok, Igor Vladimirovich, you didn�t fall from anywhere.

There was an assassination attempt on Igor Vladimirovich last night.

What?! Why am I unaware of this?

Keep that in mind that in case of insubordination�

�we reserve the right to resort to force.

Listen, you prick with shoulder-straps,

...do you have any idea about Who you are talking to right now?

- Who are you? � Major, you�ll continue your service in Anadyra!

Where 20 degrees will be a dream for you!

As I can see, you are a great expert in medicine.

This might work for you. You can treat deer from cholera there.

Good day, ladies and gentlemen

We begin the press conference of a candidate for governor.

Igor Vladimirovich Tsaplin.

Dear colleagues, last night�

�there was an assassination attempt on our candidate.

As was already determined by the investigation,

...an unknown person on an inflatable mattress...

�sailed silently to our ship,

�sneaked inside Mr. Tsaplin�s cabin�

�and using these scissors tried to take away...

...from the candidate the most precious thing that he has - his life.

Igor Vladimirovich disarmed the attacker And tried to detain him

�but hit the front part of his head against the table.

The assassin jumped over the board and sailed away.

This is all we can release about it right now.

I�ll take your questions, please.

Can you tell us if Igor Vladimirovich memorized the attacker�s face?

- No, because the attacker was wearing a mask. - And flippers.

Yes, and flippers. To be able to move around faster in the water.

Listen, doesn�t your candidate have his security?

He does.

So where was the security service at the time of the attack?

Rostislav will answer.

Thank you.

The thing is that security service�

�at that time was dealing with the second attacker.

He distracted the security by causing a disturbance at the restaurant.

Marina Solovieva, New Volga newspaper.

Did the second one also come on a mattress?

Yes. The thing is that that was a mattress for two people.

So the entire security service was dealing with just one disturber?

If so I really doubt their qualification.

Well, the main forces of the service at that point�

�were dealing with the third member of the gang.

In fact the investigators asked us not to go public with this...

�confidential information but�

Indeed we have to acknowledge that there also was the third attacker who�

- The thing is that he� - And he was planting explosives on the ship.

Do you see this mine? Here it is.

This is the one the mine engineers found in our hold.

Another second and we all would have blown up.

But everything is fine now! Igor Vladimirovich is unable to speak though.

- But he understands everything. - Yes, yes.

Your questions, please.

Why the hell did you come here, huh?!

Now, Major, you�ll realize what you�ve done!

Bastard, you questioned the authority of God's people!

I�m gonna curse you and bury you before your time!

I�ll light up my thurible now and you, Major,

�will burn in the Gehenna fire until Judgment Day!

They are way too feisty now. Maybe we should wait with evacuation a little?

Call the operation executive, see what he thinks.

Maria Panova, Political Observer magazine.

Could you please comment on the rumors�

�concerning the previous conviction of your candidate.

These are not rumors. Igor Vladimirovich, let me talk about this.

Well, that was a long time ago � 20 years ago.

Igor Vladimirovich was going to the library.

It was late. It was dark.

And he was going to the Lenin library, there�s a night section there.

And suddenly he saw three bastards attack a woman.

Naturally, he intervened. He was taking judo classes... even then.

But one of those bastards had a knife.

Then Igor Vladimirovich hit him with a ski� one used for downhill skiing.

Igor Vladimirovich liked Alpine skiing� even then.

He was returning after both practices.

Accidentally hit him with the binding on the temple.

Naturally, they viewed it as an excessive self-defense.

The attackers� parents turned out to be Party activists.

The judges were under pressure.

The notorious case of "murrelet hats".

Because about 20 people during the hearing...

...showed up wearing murrelet hats.

Igor Vladimirovich Tsaplin.

I think it�s good.

And at the conclusion of our press conference�

�we�d like to hear from Igor Vladimirovich himself.

To be honest, my face hurts a lot.

In fact, it takes my body a lot of time to heal because I�m not a dog.

But when it heals I�ll try to be a good governor.

[Inscription reading "Tsaplin is a thief".]

[Inscription reading "Tsaplin won�t allow theft".]

Why didn�t you evacuate them? I gave simple instructions!

What colonel?!

Ok, wait, don�t do anything just yet. I�ll think about it and call you back.

Tell them not move. Is that clear?

Can you tell me what colonel it was, huh?!

Nobody can give us this information yet. Probably it�s classified.

What do they want from me?! Can you tell me?!

They�ll throw us in jail! All of us!

- Kamil, right on the phone with the authorities? - Yes, sure.

The call will be as if coming from the President�s administration.

[Phone ringing]

They called. They are thinking about it now.

No, I�m the only one who�ll be jailed because I�m responsible for everything!

- Sasha, don�t worry, everyone will be there. - Silence!

- Emelyanov speaking. - This is Larin.

Kamil Renatovich, special advisor.

- Yes, Kamil Renatovich. - So what�s going on in your region?

Everything�s fine, thank you.

How�s the election campaign? Any violations?

- No, everything is fine. - Are you sure?

- What�s wrong? - That story with cholera. That was too much.

What cholera? I don�t know anything about it.

Don�t you make a fool out of me.

In short, the man didn�t come by himself and he doesn�t need any problems!

Because somebody else might have them as well.

- I don�t understand. - What don�t you understand?!

You�re running for the third term which essentially is not right.

We turned a blind eye to that but do you know what we could�ve done?

We could "un"turn it.

- Well, we talked about all this. - Well, time is passing by.

So you�d better pull back your security and let the guys perform.

It�s not a problem. We�ll do that, Kamil Marinaduch.

- I was just unaware of that. - Ok, we have a deal then.

Ok, so long!

And if you get reelected we�ll meet in person. Bye.

Did you understand anything?

And what if he calls to the President administration and asks

�about who was talking to him?

Sanja, I hate to disappoint you but he�ll get through to us anyway.

- Why? - I told you it�s a really cool thing.

He�ll always be getting through to us.

No matter who he wants to call using this phone line he�ll always reach us.

Guys, I don�t want to plant a seed of panic...

...but this is horrible. The musicians are nowhere to be found.

- What musicians? - Musicians!

Not a single musician from any band is on the ship right now.

- So what does it mean? - That is Emelyanov in action.

What about the concert?

No problem! We should call Irina, she works in the community center.

- You should see the concerts that they have there. - Very good.

- Great, just hurry up. - Nonsense.

- We have one more contest. � Which one?

Who can spit father. The prize will be a candlestick.

Sasha, don�t worry, come down. Local talent is on its way.

Good. Who?!

Hello, Volga region!

The final concert has been organized by the efforts...

...organized by the efforts of the Volga Amateur Talent Groups.

We�ve been on this stage for 30 years...

...and you loved us, you never forgot about us.

For 30 years we�ve been singing our song to you,

�and today at last we decided to sing it to you one more time

�so that you, our dear Volga region,

...wouldn't forget us, wouldn't stop loving us.

- Sanya, give us some more! - Why are you, guys, nervous?!

I promised you Oliver Twist, so here they are singing.

Great! But we need someone else, some more bands.

Georgian trio "The Volga citizen"!

By the way, we are lucky that they�re still here.

They sell all of their fruits and leave.

Sanya, I�m gonna kill you!

We have our man in the counting board.

I kept him out of jail, he�ll give us 3% of votes.

- 3 per cent? � Holy moly, Borya! This is great!

So I suggest that we make a strike on the liver!

Just look at this! What people they are! Yelling, trying to get on the stage. They are gonna break everything!

Is there anyone here responsible for security after all?!

Am I a clown here?! It�s a complete mess!

I told you we should�ve hired professionals to�

What on earth have you done?!

- Kamil, Kamil� - Renatovich.

- Comrade colonel� - Don�t.

Not this time!

Greetings from the duo of non-commercial music "Two against the wind".

We wanted to sing you a song...

...about how we and Lesha went to climb the mountain and fell.

But while we were on our way here we wrote a new song called Snowflake.

A snowflake is flying over the fire like a huge white helicopter.

The vein on my temple is pulsing.

Everything goes away, this will go away too.

First let me thank all those

�who participated in my election campaign.

- What�s that prick mumbling over there? I don�t understand! � Keep quiet!

Especially I would like to thank Emanuel Gedeonovich

�who was the first to notice the talent as a politician in me.

- Charismatic! � What the hell are you saying?! This is our future governor.

To you, my friends!

We don�t change our habits far away from our homes:

�I�ve got bacon and matches in my backpack...

...and eight volumes by Turgenev.

And you, my dear Perry, my reliable safety hook.

I am giving you this song through storms, snows and blizzards.

Let the melody fly like a bird, Let it remind you

That I don't give a shit about your capital!

About its stations, alleys, Concerts and organizations.

About Luzhkov and his jubilees I don�t give a shit.

I don�t care about your poor judgment, about the horrible Moscow mess.

And specifically with the greatest pleasure,

...I don't give a shit about Spartak Moscow.

You fags, students and Jews living in the apartments, you won�t understand

The beauty of the real world where only real guys like us live!

Where we don�t like words and constraints.

Where a snowflake looking like a huge white helicopter,

...is flying over the fire.

- The actors are coming. Rostislav� - Really? � I have a surprise.

- What surprise? - I�ve got an unspent 56 rubles.

- Count and sign. - Give it to me to restore the church.

- What church? - Just any church!

Excuse me, where�s the restroom here?

As the classic said, everywhere for you!

Ok, Maxim, please, pull yourself together. Musicians are here.

We must announce it, ok? Announce it.

Ok, why are you drinking here during the concert?!

Just come down! We are perfectly fine here, aren�t we?

I didn�t mean you, Boris. And not you, Fyodor, either. You can drink.

- Kamil� - Renatovich!

Why are you yelling like crazy?! Let�s go have a smoke!

- I don�t smoke. - Is it so hard for you to have a smoke with me?!

Oh no. Not with you. Let�s go.

- I called. - Volodya? By himself?

He said that he still can�t live without me,

...that he's ready to forgive and come back.

Thank God! I was so worried about you.

Also Gosha called. He told me he left his wife.

And also Maxim called the agent and asked him to rent an apartment for us.

So what are you going to do now?

I don�t know.

I don�t want to see any of them. Any of them.

- Kamil Renatovich� - Please.

Comrade colonel,

...do you know what the problem was between Emanuel and Emelyanov?

They�ve just straightened everything out.

You see, Borya, they found oil in your region.

Yes, and nickel too.

- What nickel? - Norilsk Nickel.

I�m just joking! Relax!

Is it true that they are sending Emelyanov to Tunisia as an ambassador?

Who told you that?

Who told you that, huh?

Well, I heard the guys talking about it.

Damn, leakage of latest information.

If I find the bastard who did that I'll fire him!

God bless.

I think you�d better erase my phone number.

If you keep calling me that won�t be right, will it?

Yeah, probably it won�t.

There's a problem here. I memorized it.

Excuse me, Fyodor, but after we smoked something with you...

...for the last 10 minutes...

�I�ve been inhaling and exhaling but it seems like nothing�s coming out of me. Is it normal?

Relax, everything�s fine.

Oh! I exhaled it.

Now I can�t inhale. Oh, what a beauty!

Did you see that? Did you see how they treated me?

People were singing crying and laughing, some were even dancing.

Probably I�m a marvelous speaker.

- What is he wearing? - A Pushkin type coat.

To make it even more impressive we wanted to use guns for the duel and sideburns.

- We thought it�d be too much. - You should�ve used them.

Listen, you should have read them something by Pushkin.

Something like this: "Are you still alive, my old woman?

...So am I, hello to you, hello!"

"To nanny".

Spruce�

Coniferous tree, starts with "S" � spruce, and the poet is Esenin.

And the poem�s not called "To nanny" but "A letter to mother".

My God, what crap!

Igor Stepanovich, hello, buddy. It�s Emelyanov.

Some weird stuff is going on around here.

Hello! Igor, is that you?

No, it�s Kamil Renatovich.

Why? I�m with you again?..

I didn�t mean to call you.. You did, you did!

- From now on if you have any questions you�ll be calling us. - Kamil Renatovich,

�I ordered the security removed. - Yes, I�m aware of that!

There�s another important thing. That�s why I�m calling you...

- Did you call me.. - What�s the difference?

We stand for one cause here.

I wanted to tell you a long time ago.

Start cultivating and sowing your fields.

What?!

Just a joke! Relax!

So what?

We had nuts here, salty and very tasty. Where are they?

Here.

It�s strange. They were on this side before.

Miracles.

- My God why? Why did I do that? - Kamil, what happened? Why what?

Why did I not drink for five days?! Who needed that?

- Guys, does anyone want some hash? - And where did you get it from?

I confiscated it from Fyodor.

Such a big chuck, probably about 15 kilograms.

15 kilograms of hash?

- You could spend 10 years in jail for that. - Who? Me?

The colonel of the Federal Security Service?

Don�t worry! I hid it in a safe place. No one�s going to find it.

- Tell me where?! - It�s a secret. � I�m your friend.

- Tell us your secret. - Quick! - In the smoke machine.

- Is it on the stage right now? - It is.

There�s a spark there, isn�t it?

It was a good idea, wasn�t it? Where�s the stage? No! Don�t turn it on!

A lost village somewhere near the Volga.

Girls had a very tough luck in this place.

Rumors spread around the globe...

...that girls in this village never had an orgasm.

- We forgot to warn Libya. - About what? - What?!

- They are going to bombard them. - Oh!

They should evacuate their population.

- They should. - They should. -And where to?

- To Bolivia. No one�s going to bombard Bolivia. - That�s right.

I was on the stage. It�s very nice there but very slow.

It took me 40 minutes to get back.

Why is our stage so far away? It's not close.

Man! It got you.

Hello! Is this Libya?

This is Slava and Lesha.

Everybody go to Bolivia.

Libya has been warned.

It�s pity we need just 5%.

- When are the next elections? - In 4 years.

It�s a long time! But it�s ok!..

50 grand and everything is for the people! It�s grand!

Say Good Bye To The Drugs campaign!

We called the Ministry of Emergency Management.

As a savior he sneaked to every girl's bed.

And then, tucking in his pants, he said:

..."It�s better to fight wild fires than this kind of love.".

Hello, old man.

Boy do any of you know how far it is from here to Chelyabinsk?

- Why do you care? - I had a vision.

Margaret Thatcher came around and said: "Innokentiy, go to Chelyabinsk,

�16, Lenin street. They are waiting for you there.

She came for the third time already. I need to go there.

The old man is stoned too!

Good stuff!

And then people said:

..."Putin's charismatic personality will greatly shake up your body."

Girls looked out the window...

...and saw Putin approaching in a kimono and on skis.

Girls ran outside in the buff.

He looked at the girls... And there it came on them!

A Cossack was standing on the mountain and praying to God.

He prayed for freedom, for his people.

Hey, hey, don�t afraid of me. Don�t worry. I won�t touch you.

Hey, hey, don�t be afraid of me. Don�t worry, I won�t touch you.

Also the Cossack asked for truth for his people.

If we have truth on earth we'll also have freedom.

Hey, hey, don�t be afraid of me. Don�t worry, I won�t touch you.

Hey, hey, don�t be afraid of me. Don�t worry, I won�t touch you.

- Misha, this is Emanuel Gedeonovich. - Hello, Emanuel Gedeonovich.

Welcome back!

Judging by your voice I assume that you are going to give me good news.

We exceeded our expectations.

- We didn�t get 10%. - You got 12?

More. You underestimate us, Emanuel Gedeonovich.

- You mean we got the third place? - Shoot!

- Higher. - Really!

Looks like we really intimidated the governor.

So how much did we get after all? I�m just interested.

52 percent.

- I don�t understand! - We won, Emanuel Gedeonovich.

Good job, Misha! You indeed have a brilliant team.

To be honest, I wasn�t ready for this. But wait! What are you saying, Misha?

The elections are in a week!

The elections took place last Sunday.

On Thursday Igor Vladimirovich is taking over already.

Samara region is at your feet.

Misha, pull yourself together!

First of all, Saratov region, not Samara.

No, Samara region, Emanuil Gedeonovich. We were talking about Samara region.

We were talking about Saratov region, Misha.

Misha, what elections did you win?

We�ve got no interests in Samara region?

I got it. Well, you have one week. You know what to do.

I�ll send you a candidate.

LAST DAY

Is this Sergei Abramov?

I am from Emanuel Gedeonovich.

Hello, Saratov!

Sitting and not drinking since this morning, tomorrow are the elections.

I must be totally sober to check the box.

In 2004 governor elections in Russia were abolished.

None of the creators of this movie was hurt...

...either during or after the making of the film.

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org