Original subtitles

(soft music)

(car engine revving)

Alfie, France.

Tell you what though, a pretty smooth crossing.

[Alfie] Smooth as silk.

Yeah, how do you know?

You never even came up on bloody deck.

We could feel the motion all the way down here.

I think I'm going down for the third time.

Hurray!

Alfie, come on, man, hurry up.

Customs.

[Alfie] Keep your hair on.

(speaking foreign language)

Passports?

Here.

Right, merci.

(speaking foreign language)

(speaking foreign language)

No, mate.

Only her.

(speaking foreign language)

Right.

Come on, Bakey, move over.

Oh, all right.

(speaking foreign language)

(upbeat music)

All right then?

No complaints.

♪ Keep on rolling, rolling, rolling ♪

♪ Let those miles roll 'neath your feet ♪

♪ Nothing stops a driver in the seat ♪

It's marvellous, bloody marvellous,

that's what it is.

♪ Keep on rolling, rolling, rolling ♪

♪ With a little girl always by your side ♪

♪ Just as long as you don't make that girl your bride ♪

You only met her on the boat.

♪ Keep on rolling, rolling, rolling ♪

♪ Let the world have the problems you can't take ♪

Come on, darling.

What you going to Paris for then?

I have a job there.

(speaking foreign language)

(speaking foreign language).

What kinda job?

School teacher?

What?

Watch what you're doing then.

- Ta-ra. - Ta-ra, love.

Go then, off we go.

School teacher?

I must say she taught me a thing or two.

I know.

You're lost in wonder and amazement.

Maybe it's that bloody perfume

you keep slopping all over yourself.

Anyway, whatever it is you got,

I wish I had some of it.

Trouble with you, Bakey lad,

is you got no confidence.

You just tell yourself there isn't a girl

in the whole world that wouldn't fall flat on her back

as soon as she sees you, and it'll happen.

You just have to believe it, that's all.

Well, having driven a few thousand miles with you, Alfie,

I think I bloody well do believe it.

Hello, what's this?

Can you see her?

Here, put your foot down, Alfie,

keep up with her.

Hello, darling.

Give us a kiss then.

(honking)

Bloody hell.

What she look like?

Oh, not bad.

Not bad at all.

(hollering)

(car engine revving)

Now, that is what I call a real bit of class.

They're all the same underneath,

two of one and one of the other.

(honking)

I could really screw that, couldn't you?

Lad, women like that eat little boys like you

for breakfast and spit the pips out.

[Bakey] Probably hiding from some rich geezer.

No, bet he's slaving and working his balls off

while she can piss around in a flash car like that.

Give her a flash.

See if she'll give us one.

Give her the horn, Alfie.

She's giving me the fucking horn.

Turn around then, love.

(honking) (hollering)

(car engines roaring)

(motorbike engines revving)

'Ere, watch it, we've got the law.

(motorcycle engines roaring)

Fucking cops.

They're all the same.

(thunder roaring)

(honking)

Could have done without the bloody escort.

Yeah.

It must have cost us half an hour.

You'd think he'd have something better to do.

Right.

(patrons chattering)

Hello, man.

(speaking foreign language)

Tiny, I thought you were in England.

I blew me engine in Trieste, didn't I?

Blown a few things in Trieste myself.

[Tiny] I bet you have an' all.

(speaking foreign language)

Ciao, Roberto.

(speaking in foreign language)

(slow mellow music)

Have you seen that?

It's the bird we were flashing.

How do you do?

What you doing here, slumming?

You eat here, don't you?

Oh, I eat here all the time.

Why?

It's the best food for miles around.

There you are then.

(speaking foreign language)

There's a posh motel down the road.

I though that would have been more your style.

Yes, well, the food's appalling

and the prices are a joke.

Merci.

You object to my eating here?

No, it livens the place up.

Just didn't think it was your cup of tea, that's all.

Oh, I see, working classes only and all that.

Something like that.

I work just as hard as you do.

Bet you couldn't handle a 32-ton truck

like I've got outside.

I don't know.

I think I probably could if I put my mind to it.

You know something?

I think you could an' all.

(patrons chattering)

Let's have a look at that.

I never thought I'd live to see the day.

[Alfie] What's that then?

When you failed to score with a bird.

[Man] What do you fancy then?

[Man] I'm not so sure.

Alfie?

Hello, Louise, (speaks foreign phrase).

The same.

What about your old man, all right?

(chattering)

Good.

Hey, what about the coq au vin?

Coq au vin?

I've never tried that.

I once knew a girl who liked to put honey on it.

(giggling)

The Boeuf Bourguignon is very good.

[Alfie] Boeuf Bourguignon.

Oh, I'm not so sure about that.

How about you, Bakey?

I don't know, think I'll have egg and chips.

Not very adventurous, is he, darling?

(speaking foreign language)

Don't rush me, I like to take me time.

(speaking foreign language)

Coq au vin then.

Just for a laugh.

(speaking foreign language)

And (speaking foreign language).

Hello, my friend.

How are you?

(speaking foreign language)

Where are you going this time?

Rouen.

Oh, well, maybe you stay here tonight, eh?

No, no, we're gonna lay off at Rouen.

It'll only take us about an hour to get there.

Oh, no, no, there's no use flogging yourself to death.

I think we might stop over tonight.

Oh, listen, man, we're hours late already.

Look, I must go back to the kitchen, but maybe later,

we have time for cognac or armagnac, okay?

- Yeah, it's fine. - Good.

- Bon appetit. - All right.

Bloody birds.

Don't you ever think of anything else?

No.

(alarm ringing)

(snoring)

Oh, Alfie (speaking foreign language).

You are wonderful.

I know.

(speaking foreign language)

Alfie, oh, Alfie.

Oh!

Oh, Alfie.

It's getting light.

You must go.

Please.

Don't worry about your old man.

I've taken care of that.

(honking)

Ravelli.

Well, that's it, girl.

Bye, girl, bye.

Twice is enough for one night.

Anyway, I'll be back this way in a couple of days.

Alfie.

Now, don't start.

(sobs) But I love you, Alfie.

(sobbing)

Hello, Alfie.

Bonjour, Pierre.

Did Louise give you something for breakfast?

Oh, I had a little nibble.

Just enough to keep me going.

Coffee?

Yes, please.

You're a lucky man.

Very fine, strong body.

Come on, Pierre.

You look okay to me.

Oh.

A bit too much around the middle,

but a bit of exercise'll take that off for you.

Exercise, oh, no.

I have bad heart.

I have to be careful.

No exercise.

Not at all?

Not even a bit of the other?

No.

Doctor's orders.

No exercise, just fishing.

If the doctor told me that, I'd shoot me self.

If I was in your position, I'd get drunk,

go into my wife's room, and give her the greatest bang

she'd ever had in her whole life,

and drop down dead with all flags flying.

(speaking foreign language)

[Bakey] Hey, up now.

Get in the other side.

I don't fancy driving.

Well, I'm not surprised.

You've been bloody driving all night.

(laughing)

Don't forget, Pierre.

Give her one for me, tonight.

Bye.

(engine revs)

(speaking foreign language)

Poor cow.

Who, Louise?

Yeah, I'm afraid she's got a bit of a soft spot for me.

(chuckles) Her old man will have more than

a soft spot for you one of these days

if he ever catches you.

Hold it!

- What? - Pull over.

What for?

Into that slip road over there.

But why?

Don't argue with me, just do it.

Jesus, bloody Christ.

There's always bloody something.

Well?

Well, there's a coincidence.

(engine whirring)

That's really nice.

Look, man.

It's gonna be hours before we get to Rouen.

I'm bloody starving.

- Come on, let's go. - No!

I'm not risking me licence chasing skirt in this rig.

Well, I'll do it, come on, move.

Oh, God.

(car engine revving)

All we seem to do is bloody piss about chasing women.

(car engine revving)

(honking)

You're doing 80, Alfie.

We'll get nicked for sure.

Oh, bollocks!

(engines roaring)

(speaking foreign language)

You, too, darling.

(engine roaring)

- Bonjour. - Hello.

- Did you have a good trip? - Yes, thanks.

What time are we rolling tomorrow?

Six o'clock in the morning.

Oh, that's fine.

Come in the office, we'll check your papers.

Okay.

What time are we rolling tomorrow then?

- Six. - All right.

We'll have a right booze up tonight then.

Yes.

(upbeat music)

(giggling)

Honestly, 200 francs for a bloody dog!

You must be potty.

Well, they threw a bit of the other in for nothing.

You can't complain, can you?

You mean, you can't.

All right then.

It's no good asking him, he's a French dog.

(speaking foreign language)

(dog barking)

There you are, what'd I tell ya?

Is she following us or are we following her?

(upbeat music)

Here, smell this.

Go on.

Off you go.

Fred!

Come here, Fred.

Come on.

You can't disturb the lady like that.

Well!

Well, well, well, it's amazing, that's what it is.

Amazing.

Alfie Elkins is the name.

It's a small world.

Yes!

But quite a large boat.

[Bakey] You'll never make it, man.

Just watch me.

I'm watching.

May I?

Vodka and tonic?

You look a vodka and tonic type to me.

Tomato juice then?

Cheers!

Thank you.

So, Abby is the name, is it?

Shot for Abigail?

What do you do for a living?

I work for Travel World Magazine.

You call that work?

I suppose you believe there are only two places

a woman should be; in the bedroom or in the kitchen.

I prefer the bedroom myself.

Uncomfortable places, kitchens.

You really fancy yourself, don't you.

I've never had too much trouble with birds in my time.

I can believe that.

But the thing is, we're not all birds, Mr. Elkins.

Hey, what's your telephone number?

It's in the book.

But I don't know your second name.

Smith.

Anything personal to declare.

[Alfie] There's 200 cigarettes, a bottle of brandy

and a bottle of perfume.

[Officer] Right, on your way.

(upbeat music)

Take the next on the left.

What?

Look man, I told me mom we'd be home early.

Just do as I told you.

Jesus, you and your bloody birds.

It sorta gets you, doesn't it?

Listen!

What?

All that quiet.

Eh?

Oh, forget it.

Dora!

Uncle Alfie!

Uncle Alfie!

Hello, Penny, look what I've got for you.

A doggy.

Do you know what his name is?

- No! - Fred!

Where's your mommy?

In the greenhouse.

Well, you go and play with Fred.

[Penny] Come on, Fred.

Come on.

Hello, Dora.

Alfie!

Hello, Alfie.

Are you gonna be staying or are you just passing by?

I've got me mate outside in the truck.

I'm just passing through.

Got time for a cup of tea, then?

Fine.

How have you been?

Oh, all right.

Don't see you often enough though.

I'll go and put the kettle on.

[Penny] Come on, Fred.

Up, Fred.

Fred, up.

- Come on, seriously. - Want another cup of tea.

I wouldn't mind.

Not too much trouble, yeah?

No!

Go and take him for a walk, pet.

Go on.

Mind how you go.

Come on, Fred.

Come on.

Is the kiddie yours or what?

[Alfie] No!

I wouldn't mind though.

What about her.

Well, I mean...

You mean she's not my style?

Right, right.

I wouldn't have thought so.

How many miles have you driven with me?

You think you've got my number?

You're not so smart, are ya?

Could quite easily happen though.

Buy a little place like this, settle down,

raise a few chickens, grow some...

But how did you get involved though?

I knew her husband.

He was killed.

The lorry jack-knifed.

Went over the Pyrenees.

Oh!

Christ, that's not funny.

I'll say it wasn't funny.

I was in the cab.

Who the hell was driving?

I was.

Ah, come on, Penny.

Bring him round here.

Come on love.

Come on, right over here.

Thank you.

Do you want some more tea, Alfie?

Not for me, pet.

Get that sock off then.

Hello Bakey.

Hello.

You've made good time, Alfie.

Ah, I got nicked though.

- Yeah. - It's not like you, Alfie.

200 francs on the spot.

I was only trying to get your load there on time.

Doing me best, I was.

Well, don't worry about it, Alfie.

I'll see the clerk makes it up to you.

I'm grateful to you, Mr. Potter.

Grateful.

Right, let's get that paperwork done.

Just lining up a bit of crumpet for the weekend.

You know what they say, a bird in the hand

is worth two in Shepherd's Bush.

Hello love.

This is 014 3434.

Can you get 01-743 3333 and reverse the charges.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

That'll be the day when I've got to start paying for it.

All right, I'll accept the charges.

Hello, Fay.

It's Alfie.

Can you talk?

What's the matter with you?

Too hard up to put 10p in the box?

I'd like to put something in your box.

What are you doing tonight?

Honest to God, Alfie, you really are mean.

Go on, you know you love me.

You're a bastard, Alfie Elkins.

You miss me?

Of course.

You've been getting any?

Not enough.

So what about tonight?

He's in Birmingham.

You know I don't like any aggravation.

Oh, all right.

Bring it over.

About eight?

And next time, at least have the decency

to put some money in the box.

Crazy about me.

Oh, she's a right little raver.

Got this husband, see, treats her like a lady.

What he doesn't know, she doesn't wanna be treated

like a lady,

what she wants is...

I'll tell you some other time.

[Bakey] Hey, we've got a run to Trieste, Monday.

- Where? - Trieste.

Well, I don't know about that.

What?

I said I'll have to think about that.

[Bakey] Why?

I've never been to Trieste, man.

[Alfie] I might have better things to do.

I think I'll take a couple of days off.

[Bakey] Huh, I bet I know why an' all.

(car revving)

- You know what? - What?

That bird on the boat.

Do you know what her name was?

No, go on, surprise me.

Abigail.

Abby what?

Abigail, Abby for short.

That bothers you a bit, doesn't it?

What does?

You know, the one that got away like.

Oh, I'm taking me time.

Yeah?

This one's rather special.

It's gonna take a little bit of time.

What, a week?

- I'll bet ya. - Tenner?

Right, you're on.

Right.

Hello, mom.

[Mom] Hello, son.

Thanks a lot, Alfie.

Mind how you go.

Okay, tata.

(upbeat music)

Randiest area in the world, London.

Randiest city in the world if you asked me.

Think of it.

All around you, thousands of randy little birds

all dying to get laid.

It's all right, Claire.

I'll give you a hand.

Oh, keep your hands to yourself you randy sod.

How's your old man then?

A lot you care.

Is he giving you enough then?

Oh, piss off, you dirty minded bugger.

Let me help you.

Do you know what I'd like to do with you?

Both of 'em.

You know, I think she fancies me.

Not bad, eh?

If you're gonna get laid, you might as well do it in style.

Beats the back seat of a car, right?

Right.

(doorbell buzzing)

Hello, Norm.

Hello.

Come in.

You going out then?

No, I always ponce up like this

before I go to bed.

Oh, Alfie.

What am I gonna do?

About what?

Dunno.

Life.

That's a big word for a girl like you, Norm.

Alfie.

Oh, Alfie, not all the bloody time.

What's the matter, have you turned lesbian or something?

You know what I mean.

No, what do you mean?

I was going down to the launderette.

I can think of something better you could go down to.

You really have got a one track mind, Alfie.

Well, just for a change, why don't you talk to me.

Tell me something.

Norm, please belt up.

Tell me something.

I told you something.

Please belt up.

I mean, talk to me, Alfie.

Nicely.

Oh, tell me you like me.

You don't have to mean it.

Just because I give you one,

doesn't mean I've got to talk to you.

Well, that's just how much you know about women.

You, the great bloody expert.

Well, it's at times like this

a girl likes to be told things.

To be chatted up.

Well, tell me you like me hair

or I've got a nice body or something.

I like your hair.

You've got a terrific body.

Now, come here.

Ooh!

It's always the same with you.

You've got no finesse, that's what you ain't got.

Women!

They always want to make everything

into a bloody great romance.

Well, it's just that a girl likes

to be respected, that's all.

Rubbish!

A girl likes to be treated like a woman.

The more you respect them, the more they go off you.

It's in their nature.

I'm 20-bloody-three, Alfie.

I can't go on just getting laid and screwing around.

(sobs) I wanna get married.

I want a home, I want kids.

Oh, you just don't seem to understand these things.

Okay, Norm.

Take it easy.

I just don't wanna be an easy lay.

Course, you don't.

I wanna be treated proper.

Course you do.

I want a fella who talks to me,

instead of just banging me like I was a bloody door knocker.

I'll talk to you, Norma.

What do you want me to say?

Anything.

Would you like to hear some poetry.

Do what?

Some poetry.

All right.

I love you in your negligee.

And I love you in your nightie.

But when the moon shines on your tits,

by Christ all bloody mighty...

Oh, oh Alfie.

(soft music)

I'll ring her chimes before the evening's out.

Alfred.

Alfred.

You look very nice.

You do too.

Alfie, not so fast.

Mind my hair.

Mind my hair, it's a wig.

Now then, how do you like your martini?

Dry?

No, wet.

It's all very piss elegant.

Must you be so coarse, Alfie.

Elegant, I said elegant.

Thank you.

Salute.

Cheers.

How is it?

Perfection.

Oh, I'm glad you wore a tie.

You don't usually bother.

Ah, but I know how you like these little touches, Fay.

Well,

shall we dine?

Thank you, Alfred.

I do hope you like vichyssoise.

Delicious.

A few croutons.

Thank you very much.

Would you see if the wine is sufficiently chilled?

To a degree.

It's just a simple little Chablis,

but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.

Presumptuous?

I'd call that down right cheeky.

So, you see, Alfie,

one can have a pleasant evening

without jumping straight into bed.

It makes a change, Fay.

It makes a change.

I see no reason why one shouldn't try

and bring a little elegance into one's life.

After all, these days, the average person

is so coarse and vulgar.

A little refinement goes a long, long way.

Oh, you bastard.

Oh, you dirty, filthy swine.

Oh, how can you do this to me?

I'm a respectably married woman.

Stop it!

Oh no, don't stop it.

Oh!

In case you're interested,

for dessert we had orange sorbet with Grande Marniere sauce.

Very tasty.

(phone ringing)

(heavy breathing)

- Hello. - Hello, Fay.

It's Harold.

Harold.

[Harold] I didn't wake you, did I?

No, darling, no.

I was just watching television.

[Harold] What sort of day did you have?

Nothing much.

I did a bit of shopping today.

[Harold] Oh, God, I've had a busy day.

I miss you, you know.

I miss you too, darling.

How did the meeting go?

[Harold] Fantastic.

Everything went very well.

Oh!

That's wonderful, darling.

When will you be home?

[Harold] I'll be home tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night.

That's, that's wonderful, darling.

Wonderful.

Bastard!

[Harold] Darling, what?

What'd you say?

Nothing, darling.

No, nothing.

It was just a bad connection.

It's the best connection you've ever had.

Shut up.

[Harold] Hello, Fay.

Are you still there?

Look, I'll be home about seven.

Good.

Good, darling.

I'll see you about seven.

I'll have something ready for you.

It's all ready right now.

[Harold] Goodbye, darling.

- God bless. - God bless, darling.

God!

Ooh!

I've met some kinky birds in my time.

You know what she finally got me at?

(car revving)

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, do you have someone with you here called Abigail,

I'm not sure about the second name.

Oh, I think you mean Miss Somers.

Yeah, that's it.

Do you have an appointment, sir?

Afraid not.

Who should I say is calling?

Mr. Alfred Elkins.

Would you like to take a seat, Mr. Elkins?

Thank you.

Hello, Miss Somers.

There's a Mr. Elkins here.

Where are you from, Mr. Elkins?

You'd better say Southampton.

He says he's from Southampton.

Yes, Miss Somers.

She'll be right out, Mr. Elkins.

I thought we discussed this already.

Look, if you wanna spread it out over two pages,

you've got to break it up with pictures.

Well, what about the advertising material then, John?

I'm not having my pictures screwed up

with bloody adverts.

Listen, it's the advertisers

who keep our magazine going, darling, not your pictures.

Oh, all right, I'll paste it up again.

I'll let you have it as soon as I can.

Okay.

Oh!

I just thought I'd drop in.

Miss Somers, do you want the layout meeting this afternoon

or shall I cancel it?

Oh well, are the pictures ready yet, John?

Of course.

[Man] John, give a moment.

Ah, yes, then we'll make it at four o'clock.

I'm terribly sorry, I'm very busy.

Well, you can save us both a lot of time

is you say, "Yes, I'll have dinner with you tonight."

[Secretary] There's an editorial meeting at 7:30.

Sorry, nice of you to drop by.

Oh, are those the Jamaican pictures?

Yeah, I've blown those three up.

I think they're pretty good.

Oh yes!

Oh, I like that one.

There's a bit too much sky here,

do you think you could crop it off here?

What about tomorrow then?

I seem to remember, there's a reception

at the Brazilian Tourist Office.

Abby, we still have to finalise these bullfight spreads.

Yes.

- Hugh! - Yeah, Abby.

Do you think you could get a picture in there?

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

All right, well, will you work it out between you then?

Yeah, we will.

(chattering)

Wednesday.

Mr. Elkins.

Alfie.

As you may have noticed, I'm a working girl.

I have a living to make,

and I'm at this precise moment, working.

Thursday.

I'll be in Paris, Thursday.

Miss Somers, there's a call for you from Paris.

Thank you.

Friday.

Ask my secretary.

Friday?

I'm sorry.

She has a television interview.

The photographs you asked for, Miss Somers.

Oh, super, Sally, thank you.

Hello!

(speaking foreign language)

Saturday?

Sunday?

Well, you tracked me down.

E for effort.

Look, I'm making a right fool of myself

chasing around this office.

Just say you'll have dinner with me one evening.

Did it ever occur to you

that I might have a steady boyfriend

or be engaged?

(soft music)

Well, I try.

I'm very flattered.

I'm sure.

[Parker] Well then, Bakey, final check.

Authorization permit?

[Bakey] Yeah!

- Manifest. - Yep.

- Carnet. - Yeah, yeah.

Now, you've got your return carnet?

Yeah, I've got all that.

Hello, Alfie.

- How do. - Hey up.

And your record book?

- Yep, I've got it here. - Well, that's it then,

Trieste.

Are you ready then, bud?

We're off.

Have a nice trip, Alfie.

I met this fantastic bird over the weekend.

You don't say?

Honest, she's mad about me.

She'd have to be.

- What? - Mad.

She wants to get married.

You didn't say yes, did you?

Well, I said I'll think about it.

Then you must be mad an' all.

Listen, what's the matter with you?

Nothing.

You owe me a tenner, don't ya?

Why don't you piss off?

(laughing)

Hey, I'm looking forward to Trieste.

Lots of sun, women.

Hey, you've been to Trieste, Alfie, what's it like?

You may be going to Trieste mate, but I'm not.

Here, I'll put this up for ya.

[Man] Hang on, I'll give you a hand.

No, it's all right.

(squealing)

What's the matter?

Are you all right?

I've done me back.

Mr. Parker.

What's up?

[Man] The pain.

Alfie!

What is it?

What's he done?

He's done his back in.

Oh no!

The agony, Mr. Parker.

Try standing up.

I can't move.

We'd better get him to a doctor right away.

[Bakey] Yeah, round me neck.

- Steady. - Go on.

(groaning)

Careful.

We're gonna look after you, you know, Alfie.

You're our best man.

Thank you, Mr. Parker.

Well, here's a prescription for some embrocation.

Do you think you can get someone to rub it for you?

Oh, I think I can manage that.

Yes, and your medical certificate.

Thank you, doctor.

Now, a hard bed and plenty of rest.

Okay.

All right buddy.

Have they got you sorted out?

Ah, I think so.

Thank you very much, doctor.

Ah, don't mention it.

Bye!

Bye bye.

Hang on a minute, Alfie.

[Claire] What's the matter with him?

He's done his back in.

Yeah, and I bet I know how he did it an' all.

Jealousy will get you nowhere.

[Bakey] Right.

You're a real pal, Bakey.

That's all right.

Do you want me to come in?

Give you a hand, take your clothes off and that?

No, I don't want to be a burden,

but can you take this medical certificate to Mr. Parker?

Yeah, right.

Look, it's no bother, I'll give you a hand.

I'm all right, honest.

It's this little one.

This one?

Well look, you just take care of yourself now, eh?

I will.

- 'ere are. - Thanks, Bakey.

Thanks for everything.

That's okay.

- Ta-ra. - Ta-ra, Alfie.

It's wonderful what a couple of aspirins will do.

(car honking)

(car revving)

(upbeat music)

Well,

give up?

You can really handle that thing.

Yes, we birds can drive, you know?

And all this just so I could ask you

to have dinner with me.

When you want something, you sure try hard enough.

Come on, what's so important

that you can't have dinner with me?

Would you believe that I'm supposed to have dinner

with Lord and Lady Sedgwick?

Well, what about the workers then?

What about the workers?

Come on, The Savoy if you like?

I can afford it.

Capitalist.

Come on then, let's go.

(soft music)

Okay.

(car engine revving)

What's the matter?

Do you know what you're doing?

Yes!

That's good.

Now,

put it in neutral.

I think I can work that one out.

Thank you.

That's for having a sense of humour.

I think I'm gonna need one.

(car engine revving)

Hey, where are we going?

My place.

Can that be bad?

This is the first time I've been pulled by a bird.

Here we are then.

And very nice too.

Would you like a drink?

No, thank you.

(soft music)

Sure?

Quite sure.

See?

Persistence.

That's what you gotta have.

I'll give her a couple of minutes to get herself ready,

then I'll move in there like King Kong.

If you really want something in this life,

and you try hard enough, you'll get it.

Right.

We're on.

What's the matter?

Is it me?

No, it's not you.

I don't understand.

It's never happened to me before.

Come on, lie back.

Come on.

That's better.

Now, relax.

That's the trouble.

I am relaxed.

You're too tense.

Let's talk.

Talk!

Talk about what?

The fact that I'm a cripple?

Is it that important to you, Alfie?

Bloody right, it's important to me.

I need a drink.

Well, I guess that's it then.

Is it just sex?

Is that all a relationship is to you?

In my book, a relationship starts with sex.

Then the book's wrong.

Maybe.

I like you, Alfie.

If I'm not bothered, why should you be?

You don't understand.

Oh, yes I do.

I understand all right.

I understand that the only thing you want from me is a screw

and if you can't get it, then you're off.

Well, frankly, I find that bloody insulting.

I would have thought I had more to offer than that.

Just a minute.

I get the feeling that you think

that I just pick up any man I fancy

and take him to bed.

You're wrong, you know?

If you say so.

I say so.

I'm not an easy lay.

Good for you.

Look, you're the one that been chasing me

all around the bloody place.

Now you make feel like a whore.

I'm sorry.

I think I'd better go.

Yeah, if you didn't get what you came here for,

there's no point in your staying, is there?

(heavy breathing)

Oh my God.

I think I've just been raped.

Any complaints?

What are you trying to prove?

It was all right, wasn't it?

Do you love this bloody bird?

Don't be ridiculous.

Well, you don't have to take it out on me.

It's just never happened before.

There's always a first time, Alfie, even for you.

It was such a shock.

I had to see you.

Poor baby.

There's nothing wrong with you, I promise you.

Thank God for that.

Except that you're in love with her.

Do me a favour.

Look, it's one thing to bang someone,

and it's another think to make love.

And you Alfie, God bless you,

you just don't know the difference.

You think that loving and fucking are one of the same.

I've never heard of one without the other.

Well, it happens, you know?

Do you love your husband?

Yes.

Yes, I suppose I do.

But does he lay you?

Oh, what's that got to do with it?

Does he?

Not often.

Well, what kind of love is that?

That every time he goes to Birmingham,

I come round creeping up the back stairs.

He's still worth two of you.

He's kind and considerate,

and he sends me little gifts and flowers on my birthday.

I bet you don't even know when my birthday is.

But he doesn't give you enough.

Oh, listen.

I may need you from time to time,

but I wouldn't change him for you,

not if you were the biggest stud in London.

You think all a woman wants is that bloody thing.

You're like a kid with a new toy.

So, what's that got to do with what I'm talking about.

Nothing.

I just wish you loved me a bit, Alfie.

(doorbell chiming)

What day is it?

Wednesday.

But yesterday was Monday.

Yesterday was Tuesday.

Oh God, get up.

[Harold] What's the matter, Fay?

The door's locked.

Just a minute, Harold, darling.

I'm in the bath.

Get out the window.

Quickly.

- My shoes. - Your shoes.

Here.

I'm coming, Harold.

I'm coming.

Look darling, why don't have a drink?

Yeah, yeah, all right.

Drink first, sex later.

I'll have a double.

[Fay] And a double it shall be.

(mumbling)

[Harold] What a day.

- Terrible. - Dreadful.

Next time I'll buy her a bloody calendar.

[Harold] What have you been doing yourself?

[Fay] Well, I went to the hairdresser's today

and had a new style.

[Harold] Well, that looks great.

(sirens waling)

I'll tell you what I did, about six o'clock.

Got down to this campaign straight away.

Now, when I got to to bread...

Who's that?

[Fay] Oh, really I think the cat must have got out.

(doorbell buzzing)

Right.

- Hello, Alfie. - Bakey!

I want you to meet me fiancee, Gloria.

Come on love, come in.

Alfie, Gloria.

Glad to meet you, Alfie.

Hello, hello.

Well, what do you think?

You crafty bastard.

I told you she was smashing, didn't I?

You didn't say she was bloody fantastic.

Come and have a drink.

Right.

Will scotch be all right?

Yeah, smashing, thanks.

Listen, we're getting married.

Next Saturday week, aren't we?

Yeah.

- Married. - Yeah!

Will you be the best man?

Pleasure.

Seeing as how you're Bakey's best friend.

Well, if I'm his best friend,

and I'm also gonna be the best man,

I might as well give the bride a kiss.

Alfie.

I'm the groom, you're the best man.

Congratulations.

Did you see his face when he saw you?

- Yeah! - Ah.

Give him a right bloody shock, that did.

Yeah, he's a good bloke though, you know?

(doorbell buzzing)

Yes.

Are you Elkins, Alfred Elkins?

This your wallet?

Yes!

I've been looking for that everywhere.

Thanks very much, come in.

Would you like a drink?

Yes, please.

Scotch all right?

Fine.

It's very good of you, where did you find it?

Under my bed.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Alfie, this is Fay.

Harold found your wallet, he's on his way over.

You're too late, darling.

He just left.

You didn't hurt him, did you?

Alfie?

(soft music)

Hello, Travel World.

Could I speak to Miss Somers, please?

Could you tell me where she is, it's very important.

Well, she's on a photographic session in Hyde Park.

Won't be back in the office till six.

(background chattering)

[Man] Beautiful.

Okay, love, thanks a lot.

(chattering)

Hello.

I'm terribly sorry, I'm very busy.

If I could just have a word with you.

I thought you made yourself pretty plain the other day.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

The car's ready, Miss Somers.

Thank you.

Could we take a walk?

I came on a bit strong the other day,

and I said a few stupid things.

But if it means anything to you, I'm sorry.

Well, I guess that clears that up then.

Wait a minute.

Now, I don't know how to say this,

but I've never met anyone quite like you before,

and I don't want to lose you.

- Mister... - Run along, son.

Mister, will you get my boat back?

What boat?

Out there?

You want me to get it?

If you hold on a minute, the wind'll blow it back in.

But I've got to hurry up and get home.

Well, hold on then.

(soft music)

Here, go on.

Thanks, mister.

(chattering)

Hello.

What's all this in aid of?

Is it your birthday or something?

No.

I just felt like throwing a party.

Drink?

What have you got?

Whisky, gin or dry martini, sir.

I'll have a scotch please.

Happy birthday.

Hello, how are you?

[Man] Abby, darling.

How are you?

You look wonderful.

- Hi, darling. - Hello, Terry.

Terry here's trying to tell us

he made a center-fold in Playgirl.

(chattering)

I'll be with you in a minute.

The man has been making an absolute fortune.

Mind you, I think his work's absolutely shit.

(chattering)

Anyway, so, you know these A&R men, no creativity.

Everything okay?

What did you ask me here for?

I wanted to see you.

We still didn't make that dinner date.

How about next week?

I shall be in France, all next week, photographing.

Where?

Little fishing village in Normandy called Honfleur.

You've probably never heard of it.

When are you going?

Monday.

Right then.

I'll meet you on Monday in Honfleur.

Do you think you could?

I've got this boss, you see,

and every time I bend down, he thinks the sun shines.

If I wanted to go to Hong Kong, he'd fix it for me.

[Man] Abby, darling, drinks are flowing

like glue out here.

Coming.

See you Monday in Honfleur.

I'll be there.

Morning, Mr. Parker.

Alfie.

The back, how is it?

A remarkable recovery.

A miracle, in fact.

Marvellous.

Now, how about a nice run to Rouen.

Well, I've got Fred going down to Rouen,

but I've got a very nice, little run for you

down to Istanbul.

Marvellous, this time of the year, Istanbul.

Stick Istanbul, I want Rouen.

Think of all them belly dancers.

Fred can have the belly dancers, I'll have Rouen, okay?

Fred will be very upset.

Fuck Fred.

If you say so, Alfie.

(engine roaring)

(upbeat music)

Christ, I've never seen you push so hard.

I've had one cheese sandwich and a piss

since we left Southampton.

What's all the hurry?

Love, my boy.

Love.

What, you?

Yes, me.

Now, I know you're round the twist.

I don't know how it happened, Mr. Parker.

It just blew, just as we were pulling into Rouen,

and I've been all over this God forsaken town

and I can't find a spare gasket anywhere.

Can I get one shipped down from Brussels?

I can't move without it, Mr. Parker,

'cause I'll blow the whole engine.

I'm as pissed off as you are.

I've got a date in London.

It'll take at least three days.

Well, do the best you can, will you?

Thanks.

Bye.

I've heard some liars in my time.

I want three days off and I'm gonna them.

Monsieur Elkins?

Yes, pet.

(speaking foreign language)

Listen man, I'm getting married on Saturday.

I guarantee you'll be back by then.

Anyway, it gives you time to buy Gloria a wedding present.

But you won't let me down, will you Alfie?

No, I promise you.

Get me bag for me, will you?

Yeah, here.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Right, I'll see you back here in three days time.

Yeah, right, well I'm counting on you, man.

You can rely on me.

(car engine revving)

(soft music)

♪ Just the look on your face ♪

♪ Shows the world how you feel ♪

♪ Alfie darling ♪

♪ Love is real ♪

♪ When you touch me I hope ♪

♪ That you'll always be true ♪

♪ Alfie darling ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ To hold onto my heart ♪

♪ End it Alfie, like we start ♪

♪ It's no game that we play ♪

♪ You must love in return ♪

♪ Alfie darling ♪

♪ You must learn ♪

♪ Use your eyes to see ♪

♪ What I gave you ♪

♪ You gave me ♪

Do you wanna hear something silly?

Tell me something silly.

I'm in love with you.

And I've never said that to anybody before, ever.

I'm glad you said it to me.

So, how about you, how do you feel?

Alfie?

What?

I love you.

(heavy breathing)

Alfie.

Oh!

Right, let's have everyone looking this way.

One big happy picture.

Big smiles, right, hold it.

(chattering)

(upbeat music)

Okay, Bakey?

It's all going well.

What time you getting off?

- 2:15. - Yeah?

We're getting the train to Brighton, aren't we?

What you gettin' the train for?

I've got the car here, I'll give you a lift.

- Will ya? - Yes, come on.

- It's over here. - Come on, missus.

Don't worry, it'll be all right.

I must say, there's nothing

like a sunny weekend in Brighton.

(thunder growling)

So, whose great idea was this?

You wanted to go for a walk.

And I can think of somewhere better to do this.

Me too.

Come on.

You know, I envy those two, Bakey and Gloria.

They've fallen in love, they get married,

and she gets in the family way,

if she's not that way already.

(chuckles)

And that's all there is to it.

Right.

But it's not as simple as that, is it?

No.

What do you want out of life?

Same things?

A home, kids?

I don't know.

Well, I've never thought about it myself.

Until now.

Oh, Alfie.

I don't know.

You try and give the impression of being so world wise.

Yet, underneath all that, you're just about

the most romantic man I've ever met.

Well, it doesn't do to let the enemy know your weakness.

The enemy?

Are women the enemy?

Well, in some ways.

I mean, it seems to be a sorta game you gotta play.

I don't play games.

I know you don't.

Abby?

Uh huh.

Will you marry me?

Did you hear what I said?

Yes, I heard what you said.

Well, I'm asking you to marry me.

The least you could so is give me sort of reply.

(light knocking)

Oh, piss off.

I love ya.

I know.

And I'm asking you to marry me.

[Bakey] Alfie.

(heavy knocking)

Alfie, you there?

Jesus bloody Christ.

What in God's name do you want?

Alfie, I've gotta talk to ya.

It's three o'clock in the morning.

I know man, it's important.

Can't it wait till tomorrow?

No, that's just the point.

It might be too late by then.

Well, give us a minute to get dressed

and I'll see you down in the lounge.

Right, thanks.

This is the second time you made a bloody idiot out of me.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to, Alfie.

Honestly, I don't.

You said you loved me.

I do.

Well, what's your bloody problem then?

You too good for me or something?

Oh, don't be silly.

Where are you going?

I don't know.

Some bloody drama with Bakey or something.

If you're making a fool out of me,

I'll kill ya, I really will.

I'm sorry to bother you, Alfie.

I don't know what to do, man.

I really don't know what to do.

Do about what?

I can't...

Here we are, sir.

Thanks very much.

- Cheers. - Thank you, sir.

It won't work.

I tried, man, I bloody tried and tried.

She's up there, she's crying her eyes out,

says she's humiliated.

Is that all?

Can you think of anything worse?

Gloria's a very attractive girl.

- Yeah... - It's your wedding night.

I know, exactly.

Well, it's just like being an actor.

It's your first night, your opening night

and you can't remember the words and you're nervous.

Listen Alfie, you're an experienced bloke.

Has it ever happened to you?

Me, no!

It hasn't happened to me, but I've heard about it.

[Bakey] Have you?

I think you should go back upstairs,

just get into bed, lie back and relax.

Talk to her.

Talk to her?

[Alfie] Yeah, just talk to her.

Will it work?

And I don't know what the rush is all about.

You've got another 50 years of marriage.

I'd better get back upstairs.

She'll be wondering where I am.

Take it easy.

Just remember, take it easy and relax.

All right, thanks, Alfie.

Abby!

(phone ringing)

Abby.

I'm sorry, Alfie.

What the hell's going on?

It's just that...

I don't want to let you down,

but I can't get married, not yet.

Where are you?

Your taxi's here, miss.

Thanks you.

I'm sorry, Alfie, because I really do love you.

The young lady, where did she go?

Just left in the taxi, sir.

(soft music)

She really did me a favour really.

Can you imagine?

Me, married with two kids,

living in a semi-detached in Wansworth.

It's beyond belief.

What do you think about it?

I never said a word.

Well, can you imagine me, married,

just settling down, you know,

and a little girl like you comes round for a drink,

flashing everything she's got?

I mean, how could I stay faithful?

I mean, how could I keep me hands off you?

Alfie.

[Alfie] You are irresistible, Norma.

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

Well Alfie, not in here.

Come in the other room?

Alfie, be careful.

(screaming)

Oh, oh!

Oh, Alfie, whatever is it?

Oh, me back.

I've done me back.

Oh, oh, let me help...

Don't touch me.

Well, what can I do?

Get a doctor.

Quick, please.

[Doctor] Well, how's that, Mr. Elkins?

Comfortable?

[Alfie] No, it's bloody painful.

(Norma chuckles)

[Doctor] Yes, well, I'm afraid

you're gonna have to keep it on for a few days.

I'm not gonna fancy this at all.

Yes, well I warned you to take it easy, Mr. Elkins.

I know you did, doctor.

Haven't much choice now, have you?

Well, just get this prescription made up.

How'd you come to do it anyway?

(Norma chuckles)

It's not bloody funny.

Yes, well, I'll drop in again tomorrow

to see how you're getting on.

And whatever you do, try not to move.

I couldn't bloody move if I wanted to.

'ere, Alfie (laughs).

Do you think you can get workman's compensation

for injuries received whilst on the job?

(doorbell buzzing)

Oh.

Mr. Elkins.

Oh, he's not well, he's hurt his back.

Yes, I know, that's why I've come.

My name is Abby.

Oh!

Come in.

He's been telling me all about you.

Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a neighbour.

I just dropped in to make him a cup of tea.

Alfie, there's someone to see you.

Well, I'll be running along now.

Bye.

Who is it?

Well, you can bloody well piss off for a start.

What happened?

I banged it, in a manner of speaking.

What are you doing here anyway?

Bakey called me at the office.

He can mind his own bloody business an' all.

Is there anything I can do?

Yes, just let me die here in peace.

I bought you some magazines.

Some grapes as well, I bet.

What do you want anyway?

You've had your fun.

You don't need anymore laughs, do ya?

No.

I'm sorry about the other night.

It's just that, when you mentioned marriage,

I panicked and got scared.

So, I came to apologise and say that I was wrong.

Besides, what's the point of running away

from someone you love?

I'd like to marry you, Alfie, really, I would.

If it's not too late.

You know what it is?

You know what it is with you?

You didn't like being asked,

and so you had to do the asking.

Alfie Elkins,

will you marry me?

I have a good job, exciting prospects.

I can cook,

and I love you.

You sure?

You won't change you mind?

Uh-uh!

Listen, I have to fly to Rome tonight.

On your broomstick.

On my broomstick.

But as soon as I get back,

and when you're better,

we'll get married.

It's like a bleedin' brothel out there.

They ought to have a red light hanging outside the door.

If I didn't know you better, Claire,

I'd say you was jealous.

Get off.

Poor Alfie, lying up there suffering.

He can't move a muscle, poor soul.

Well, I bet there's one muscle he can still move.

Well, don't be so crude.

His back's killing him.

I hope it bloody well does.

I've never seen him so helpless.

Like a little boy, he is.

- He can't move? - No!

It's a shame.

He can't move?

(light knocking)

Push it, it's open.

I heard you was poorly.

So I made you a nice cup of tea and some sandwiches.

Ooh, they have got you trussed up, haven't they?

There.

Norma tells me it's your back.

Nasty things, backs.

Now, I've got some nice cream cheese and cucumber.

Do you take milk and sugar.

What's that pong?

Pong?

Oh, you mean me perfume?

Oh, I just threw a little drop on.

And that dress.

Do you always go round tarted up like that

in the middle of the afternoon.

[Claire] Do you like it?

It's a bit tight.

You're not exactly skinny, Claire.

Well, I mean, some men like a bit of extra,

in the right places.

Well, you've certainly got it

in all the right places, Claire.

Have I?

Now, is there anything else you need?

Something else I need, all right,

but I'm not gonna get it lying here.

Does it hurt?

It aches, Claire, it really aches.

A stiff back can be very painful.

Not me back, you silly cow.

Oh!

Oh, well, maybe what you need is a little bit of massage.

What you doing?

Oh, I don't like to think of you lying here all helpless.

- Stop it, Claire. - Unable to move a muscle.

Ooh, you have got it bad.

No, you're just doing this to get me at it.

[Claire] Alfie, oh, I'll make it better.

Alfie.

Oh, isn't it good, Alfie.

Stop it.

I must say, when Norma me you was flat on your back

and couldn't move a muscle,

well, I thought I'd never live to see the day.

Ooh, let's see what Aunty Claire can do about it.

[Alfie] I don't believe it.

Oh, Alfie.

Oh, Alfie, it's lovely.

Oh, come on, Alf.

[Alfie] What are you trying, you're killing me, get off.

Oh, Alfie, come on.

[Alfie] It's gonna kill me this.

[Claire] Oh, it's lovely darling, just relax.

Listen, I've just been under the doctor.

- Ooh, Alfie. - Stop it.

[Claire] Come on, darling.

- No. - Oh, Alfie, darling.

No (screams).

What's the matter?

Get off, quick.

Get off.

It's gone.

It's bloody well gone.

I can't feel a thing, nothing.

Claire, you've done me a favour.

Blimey, I've cured him.

The six o'clock for Rome?

The check-in's closed, sir.

Abby!

Abby!

Look, I'm cured.

I love you.

What plane are you coming back on?

It gets in tomorrow morning at 11:30.

I'll be there.

(upbeat music)

Bye!

♪ Once in a while ♪

♪ There's a smile that can make you weak inside ♪

♪ That is the time that a man ♪

♪ Has to make his move or die ♪

♪ I know the hour and the day of the week it came to me ♪

♪ Now I just tell anyone that I meet that ♪

♪ You saved me ♪

♪ In a word ♪

♪ You took all my cares away ♪

♪ Turn my darkness into day ♪

♪ That's all there is to say ♪

♪ In a smile ♪

♪ All my pain was brushed aside ♪

♪ All my hopes were realised ♪

♪ To you I owe my pride ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[Man] New standard, air disaster.

[Announcer] Now, here are the news headlines.

It is now officially confirmed

that there no survivors from the international flight

from Heathrow, which crashed last evening

near Maidstone in Kent.

The death toll now stands at 203.

The plane, en route to Rome, from Heathrow, London,

had been in the air only 20 minutes,

when according to eyewitnesses,

it burst into flames and plunged to the ground.

You from the press?

Relative?

I'm sorry.

Where have they taken them?

The bodies?

There are none.

Nothing left.

Just what you see here.

♪ Hold on to my heart ♪

♪ End it ♪

♪ Alfie ♪

♪ Like we start ♪