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Folks, if you've got a copy of this morning's paper,

you've probably read about the daring exploits

of this brave young soldier.

His name is Danny Weems.

Here he is on an island in the South Pacific,

where single handed he captured 20 Japs.

Imagine that.

But he wasn't always this fearless fighting man.

No sirree.

On another island in the Atlantic,

six short months ago, bright and early

one morning in this old schoolhouse,

a group of public spirited citizens

were discussing our hero.

Order number 1437.

What are all those papers attached to his questionnaire?

Oh, they're a list of his ailments.

There wasn't room on the regular form.

Show this to Campbell.

You'd better have a look at this, Dr. Campbell.

Name is, uh, Daniel Weems.

Oh, yes.

I know this man.

I suspect every doctor in New York does.

He's a confirmed hypochondriac.

Give you an idea how bad he is, Maxwell,

he got himself a job running an elevator

in the Manhattan medical clinic just so he could

be near doctors and nurses.

Oh, then those diseases of his are just imaginary, huh?

Why, according to him he has everything

from hoof and mouth disease to the galloping willies.

And listen to this--

nervous indigestion, nervous digestion.

And look there.

High blood pressure and low blood pressure.

Flat feet and rising arches.

And then there's one disease there

he must've found in the dictionary--

ichthyosis colitis.

If there were such a thing, it could only happen to a fish.

Well, I hope he enjoys his diseases today.

He's due for a shock in the next mail.

- 1A? - 1A.

1A.

Going up, please.

Oh, hello, Dr. Jones.

Step right in.

I was hoping to see you.

I'd like you to have a look at my liver.

It's only three flights.

I'll walk up.

Oh, but Dr. Jones--

oh, Dr. Weavermacher?

Paint it with iodine.

Paint what?

Who cares?

Good morning.

Good morning.

You're looking better, Mr. Higginbotham.

Feel great.

18 holes of golf, and the day is just a pup.

Just seeing the doctor for my final checkup.

Morning. - Morning, sir.

Good morning.

Not doing you much good, is he?

Oh, yes, I feel much better.

You looked better three months ago.

Oh, come now.

What's the matter?

Your eyes-- they blink.

Oh, everybody's eyes blink.

Yeah?

Everybody's eyes blink once a second.

Yours blink twice.

Twice?

Mm-hm.

Oh, is that bad?

Oh, no.

Except if it works back.

Works back?

Well, what'll happen?

If I told you the truth, it would only make it worse.

A man in your condition shouldn't get himself upset.

Oh, I'm all right.

I'm all right.

I don't know.

In my job, I see people come and go all the time.

Oh!

We just passed the seventh.

What are you stopping for?

I just remembered.

Only last week a fellow wanted the 16th floor

just like you did.

Well, I got him as far as the eight, and he was gone.

Maybe I should've stayed in bed.

Of course you should.

Let me see your tongue. No!

Put it back.

It's contagious.

Now you've exposed me to it.

Well, what'll happen to us?

Us?

Don't say us.

I haven't got it yet. - Well, what is it?

What have I got?

Don't hold back on me. Tell me.

Tell me.

Well, it looks like pollenari morphiosis.

It strikes without warning.

You'll be coming to your office one day, and then suddenly--

then you'll be all right for a few days.

And then--

You mean to tell me that I'll be--

You see?

It's started already.

Your skin is turning green.

Your knees are beginning to buckle.

In just a second, you'll be gone.

Oh, water, water.

Please, give me a glass of water.

Water!

Water!

Oh, Dr. Freyheisen?

Dr. Freyheisen?

Dr. Frey-- a man just fainted. Dr. Freyheisen?

Dr. Freyheisen?

Doctor-- Dr. Freyheisen, it's--

it's Mr. Higginbotham again.

What?

All I did, doctor, was--

Oh, doctor.

I told you to keep away from my patients.

Doctor, why is your hand trembling like that?

Because I'm mad, you idiot! That's why.

But doctor, that wouldn't make it purple.

It's not purple.

It is purple, except for those green and yellow streaks.

- Where? - There.

Go away from me, you maniac.

Get away!

Get out! - But, doctor--

Shut up!

Doctor, you shouldn't yell like that.

It's bad for you. - I will yell.

All right, yell.

But remember Dr. Flugel.

He used to yell.

He came in at 9:00 one morning, and at 9:05 he was gone.

Well, let me tell you something.

If you are here at 9:00 tomorrow morning, at 9:05

you'll be gone.

Oh, but, doctor, you don't--

Here, drink this.

- What is this? - Water.

I heard you calling for it.

Water?

Just plain, ordinary water.

Oh, Virginia, you know I never drink anything but Jupiter

Springs number three distill.

Well, don't worry about it.

See?

Don't worry about Freyheisen.

He just likes to make a lot of noise.

Come on in my office for a minute.

I got something I want to show you.

All right.

Oh, you mean the liver extract has arrived?

Hey, you're gonna be all right.

You look much better today.

- I do? - Uh-huh.

Oh, well wait till you see me tomorrow?

I expect to have a very bad night.

OK.

Virginia, do you really think I'm

strong enough to get married?

Well, of course, if the you married a nurse.

Virginia, you're right.

I'll do it.

Danny!

Come here.

Come closer.

Look into my eyes.

Oh, Danny.

Ever since the first day we met

up I've wanting to say this.

Yes, Danny?

You're the most wonderful girl in the world.

Oh, Danny.

And I love you.

Darling.

I want you to be my wife, Mary.

Mary?

Well, who did you think I was talking to?

I was only practicing.

Oh, fine.

I light the fire, and she's cooking with it.

I see what you mean.

Well, anyway, how was the proposal, Virginian?

You think it'll work.

Oh, I don't see how it could miss.

I don't know how she could resist you.

Well, I--

I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but--

No.

No.

Mary likes me more than you know.

It's the little things she says and the little things

she doesn't say.

Mostly the things she doesn't say.

Yes.

Well, thanks, Virginia.

I gotta go now, but thanks for letting me use you.

Oh, hello, Mary.

Hello, Danny.

Any new symptoms today?

Oh, Mary.

Uh, Mary?

You haven't forgotten about tonight?

I've got a lot of things to tell you, and one of them

is very important.

You have forgotten that?

No, of course I remember, Danny.

This is the night I promised to go to a movie with you.

Yeah, and meet my friend, Joe.

He's gonna take us to dinner.

Gee, you look pretty.

Say, Danny, why don't we ask Virginia to come along.

No, we don't want her.

Oh, I mean, uh--

Oh, thanks a lot.

Well, excuse me, but I know you've got a date or something.

She's got a date or something, haven't you?

No.

No, I'm perfectly free.

That's great.

No, we can't, Mary.

I mean, that would ruin everything.

Joe was gonna pay for the dinner,

and we just can't take people along.

Oh, I don't mind.

We can go dutch or something.

We'll have a wonderful time, Danny-- a double date.

We'll sort of pair off.

No, that's out of the quest--

pair off?

That might be fine.

Oh, there's the elevator.

I'll pick you up at 6:00.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, lovely.

, please.

Milk.

Thank you.

Say, uh, what kind of milk is this?

Cow's milk.

Cow's milk?

I didn't order cow's milk.

Haven't you got any goat's milk?

No.

Our goat is out shooting pool with some friends.

Have you got any Vitamize?

My friend, this is the Chalet Saint Maritz.

You want the polyclinic hospital perhaps.

Now-- now wait a minute.

If you haven't got what he asked for, OK,

but we could do without the jokes, understand?

Indeed.

What seems to be the trouble?

I bring milk to this man, and he starts an argument with me.

What?

Please, I must ask you to be careful

how you talk to my waiters.

Well, just a minute.

All I did was--

I warn you.

One more incident like this, and I quit.

Earnest!

Earnest, you are just tired.

You've been working too hard.

Go out for a while and have a smoke.

Take tomorrow off.

I think it over.

Please.

Well, how do you like that.

Danny, I know a place that specializes in Vitamize milk.

You do?

Uh-huh.

It's one of the hot spots in town.

Come on, I'll take you there.

All right.

Oh, uh, I was supposed to sit this dance out with Mary.

Oh, no. Go ahead, Danny.

We'll meet you in front of the theater.

- Sure. - You sure you don't mind?

- Uh-uh. - Oh, I can hardly wait.

You know I'm just crazy about Vitamize milk.

Come on.

We'll see you at the movies, huh?

There's only one Danny.

Yeah, he's quite a guy.

You know, he's pretty stuck on you.

You know that, don't you?

Yes, and I don't know what to do about it.

I-- I've tried to tell him, but, oh, he's got the funniest way

of twisting your words around.

No, I-- I can't come right out with it.

Besides, Joe, he's-- oh, he's got so many other troubles--

at least, he thinks he has-- that,

well, I don't wanna hurt him.

You're a pretty nice person, Mary.

You're OK yourself.

Like to dance?

Oh, I'd love to, Joe.

Step up.

There'll be a short wait for all seats.

Keep moving, please.

Step up.

There'll be a short wait for all seats.

Keep moving.

Three please.

Two general, please.

Step up.

There'll be a short wait for all seats, please.

- Here you are, Mrs. Willoughby. - Thank you.

I take two every day and three on Sunday.

And holidays.

Come on. - Oh, come on.

Come on.

See, as I was telling you, I only get $22.50 a week,

but I figure Mary could work a little

while after we're married. - Yes.

And I haven't decided yet about the proposal.

I-- I don't know whether to blurt it

out or kind of lead up to it.

What do you think?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe I can help.

Why don't you marry him, Mary?

Oh, I'd love to, except I'm Virginia.

Yeah.

Oh, then you must be Joe.

No, no.

I'm Mary.

Oh.

I-- I mean Danny.

Come on, Joe.

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, there they are.

Hello.

That's them.

The one on the right's Mary.

She's pretty, isn't she?

Yeah.

Oh, uh, Joe, Mary, this is Mrs. Willoughby.

She's 46 years old and has seven children.

Her husband's a baker.

Gets $88 a week.

How do you do?

How do you do, you two?

Oh, we've lost our place.

Oh.

Now look what happened.

We've lost our place.

Why didn't you get here?

Well, I'm glad you did get here, because now

we've got to get out of here. - What?

- Why? - What are you talking about?

Why?

Well, the lobby's full of people,

and the people are full of germs.

But we came to see the picture.

I don't see why, Joe.

These musical pictures are all alike.

If you've seen one, you've seen them all.

Supposing we do go in, and we do get a seat,

and the woman in front does take her hat off,

and you do get a look up at the screen.

What do you see?

Manic depressive pictures present--

--hello Fresno.

Goodbye.

Produced by are you manic?

And directed by depressive.

Now you know the name of the picture,

and you'd like to see it, but no.

Screenplay by Gluck from a stage play by my Motz from a story

by Blip from a chapter by Run from a sentence

by Dopes from a comma by Stokes from an idea

by Brokes based on Joan Miller's jokes.

Now you know the name of the picture and who wrote it,

and you'd still like to see it, but no.

Art direction ,, interiors Minerva

photography Alonzo tech recorded sound

upholstery by Zachary.

Knick knackery by Thackeray.

by dickory, and dickory by dock.

Now finally, at last comes the picture, and what do we see?

The same old beautiful chorus girls.

The opening scene is a ranch in Fresno, California.

So what are they singing?

When it's cherry blossom time in Orange,

New Jersey we'll make a peach of a pair.

I know we cantaloupe, so honeydew be mine and if--

up from the gulch rides a hunk of man.

He is a hero, cowboy Dan, the galloping

and buckaroo.

His horse, of course, is a baritone, too.

I've got that old wagon wheel inside of me.

Yahoo!

I've got that old cactus in the hide of me!

Yahoo!

The girls are delighted to hear this.

But where is our heroine?

As the bell rings for lunch, we find the heroine in the corral

eating her heart out.

She is Mary Swenn, the tap dancing daughter

of an American juggling act, who left her

on the doorstep of an old English castle,

where was found by Sir Basil Metabolism,

who said, by Jove, a girl baby.

I shall raise her as me own daughter.

Which he did, but she wants to tap dance,

and cowboy Dan, who she met on this trip,

knew it was love at first sight, wants to marry her

so she can tap dance, but she knows Sir

Basil will never permit this.

Never, never, never!

That's why she's eating her heart out

because she wants to tap dance.

But through her tears, she's singing

a happy little song because she is also a countertenor soprano.

She is beside herself, her favorite position.

She rushes to her father.

Oh, father, you must let me marry cowboy Dan.

He owns the biggest ranch in Texas bar none.

Cowboy Dan cannot believe his ears--

bar none.

Why, that's the password of the FBI.

It can't be.

No, no. Yes, yes.

No, no. Yes, yes.

No, no. Yes, yes.

No, no.

Yes, yes.

It can't be.

But it was.

He rushes to Mary Swenn.

Mary Swenn, you must help me.

Can you tap out a message in code?

This is a big chance.

Now you can tap dance, which she does, but what has she done?

She has betrayed her own father.

But he isn't her father.

He is Heinrich von ,, the dangerous German spy.

- What? - Yes.

Oh!

Stick up your hands, you dirty rat

so the FBI finally captures a German spy.

Dan and Mary are about to..

You think the picture's about to end, but no.

Who ever heard of a musical picture

without Carmelite Pepita, the Bolivian bombshell?

I wish you could come with me to my little village in Bolivia.

So peaceful there are the purple mountains with the lovely list

and the shining stars.

And the little people who live so simple and quiet.

And every night, all they want to do is conga!

the opening chorus.

When it's cherry blossom time in Orange, New Jersey.

That Danny is doing all right.

That must be his third bottle of milk.

He's gonna drink himself white.

He's quite a guy.

Yes, he is.

He's going to make some woman a wonderful medicine

cabinet someday.

Well, I guess I'd better go in now.

It's pretty late.

Yeah?

Holy smoke, it's after 2:00.

I didn't even realize.

I had a grand time, Joe.

Thanks for letting me tag along.

I had a swell time, too.

I enjoyed every minute of it.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Well, goodnight, Joe.

Night.

Oh, Mary?

Yes, Joe?

Joe and Mary just met tonight so they

have a lot to talk about.

Joe is a great little talker.

I can never think of anything to say, can you?

See, I was gonna ask her to marry me tonight.

I only make $22.50 a week, but I was gonna

ask her to marry me anyway.

I just didn't get round to it.

There were too many people around.

We're having a good time, aren't we?

See, we're out on a double date.

Joe is with Virginia, and I'm with Mary.

You wants some milk, Virginia?

Say, what's the matter with that horse of yours?

He keeps breathing in all the time.

Never breathes out.

Well, I'll tell you the truth, bub,

but I don't want it to get around.

He ain't really a horse.

He's a vacuum cleaner.

Gee, I'm awful glad you like Mary, Joe,

and I'm glad she likes you, because if the two of you

didn't hit it off, maybe I'd feel different about what

I'm going to do.

What do you mean, Danny?

What are you gonna do?

Well, you were with her all evening.

Didn't she tell you?

We're in love.

We're gonna get married.

Oh, Danny.

Maybe you'd better think it over for a while.

Have you asked her?

No, not right out, but Mary understands.

The only thing keeping us apart right now is my varicose veins.

I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I, Joe?

Yeah, you sure do.

But, uh, maybe you'd better wait, Danny.

Things might be different.

But I don't want to wait, Joe.

You know, a girl like Mary is awfully easy

to fall in love with.

She might meet somebody else, and then where would I be?

Sure.

Look-- well, let's get some sleep.

We'll talk about it some other time.

Oh, there's a letter here for you, Danny.

Oh, I'll-- look at it in morning.

It can't be anything important.

Oh.

Joe?

Yeah?

I wish you hadn't told me about that letter.

Now I won't be able to sleep wondering what's in it.

Then why don't you get up and open it?

Well, it might be bad news, and then I'd never sleep.

Then don't open it.

But if I don't open it, I'll be wondering what's in it,

and I'll be awake all night.

All right, all right.

I'll open it myself, or you'll keep me awake all night.

Oh.

What's the matter?

It's nothing.

Then why did you go, huh?

Oh, uh, just a little something in my throat,

I guess.

Oh.

That letter must be about something, Joe.

Nobody sends you a letter with nothing in it.

Open it up.

What is it?

Oh, it's nothing important, Danny.

Just an add or something.

It'll keep till morning.

Oh, well, if it's only an add, tear it up and throw it away.

Well, I can't do that.

You know it's unpatriotic to throw away paper.

Then why did you throw away the envelope?

Well, the envelope's just a little piece of paper.

That's a big piece of paper.

Somebody went to a lot of trouble to print it.

Now, go to sleep, for the love of Mike,

Oh, I'm too nervous to sleep now, Joe.

You've got me all upset.

To Daniel Weems--

Joe--

greetings.

It's from the President of the United States.

Having submitted yourself

to the local board for the purpose of determining

your availability for service in the armed forces of the United

States, you are hereby notified that you

have now been selected for training and service

in the Army.

Joe, did you hear that?

What?

Oh, nothing.

I was so nervous I thought I heard--

Joe, I'm drafted.

They drafted me.

They can't take me, Joe.

Of course, I'd like to be in the Army,

but they make soldiers hike 30 miles a day.

I walk half a block, and I get palpitations,

even with my arch supports.

I'd probably slow up the whole company,

and lose the maneuvers, and be dishonorably discharged,

and come home, and never I wouldn't

be able to get a job any place, and all my friends

would be laughing at me.

Danny, take it easy.

Take it easy.

Joe, you've gotta go over to the draft board

and explain to them about me.

Well, I can't go now.

It's 3 o'clock in the morning.

It is?

Well, you ought to go over and get in line.

Oh.

Maybe he's not really sick, but he thinks he is,

and that amounts to the same thing.

Well, the Army may be a tough pill for him to swallow,

but I think it'll do the trick, Mr. Nelson.

I can't figure it.

You take fellas like Danny, and me--

I've been here dozens of times, and there's nothing--

Mr. Nelson, you've been supporting

your father in Chicago.

Isn't that right?

Yeah, but he's not so old.

He can find some way to get along.

Well, this ought to be good news for you then.

You won't have to worry about your father anymore.

He's been drafted.

What?

That's right, son, and so are you.

You're in 1A.

Huh?

1A?

1A.

Well, what do you know?

Next case.

And so, after many months of strenuous training,

fresh air, regular hours, and nourishing food,

Danny has become a new man.

Or has he?

Fine doctors telling me I'm not

sick just because they can't find

anything the matter with me.

You never looked better in your life, junior.

What?

The Army agrees with you.

Regular hours, exercise.

Ah!

Last night, you ate two steaks.

Yeah, that's one of the worst symptoms-- over hunger.

You better get rid of that traveling drugstore

you've got there, too.

Before long, we're going to be carrying

only what we can carry.

Get rid of that?

Oh, look at that.

You see how nervous I am?

I spilled it all over Mary's letter, and right on the part

where she says I'm the nicest fella in the world.

By the way, where is she now, Danny?

Still in Colorado.

Yeah.

Still visiting that aunt of hers.

Funny, I never knew she had one there.

Weems!

Nelson!

Here.

Come here, you guys.

I got a little detail for you.

Oh, sergeant, we were just getting

ready for weekend leave.

Well, that's tough.

A couple of lieutenants just arrived with a few bags,

and we're fresh out of red caps.

They're waiting for you at the sentry gate.

Come on.

There goes our leave.

You know, if I don't get a rest pretty soon,

I'm gonna have to have an operation.

They can't operate on you, junior.

With all those pills inside of you, you'd roll off the table.

A-choo!

Sergeant Gelsen reporting with detail as requested.

Thank you, sergeant.

Hey, Joe, lookit!

They've been drafted.

Well, how about that.

Isn't it wonderful?

Don't they look great, Joe?

Gee, I don't know whether to salute you or kiss you.

You'd better salute them, soldier.

Enlisted men don't talk to officers, except in line

of duty, and don't forget it.

Yes, sergeant.

That's right, sergeant.

How do you do, sir?

Uh, ma'am.

Uh, at your service.

Better, ma'am?

Uh, sergeant?

Get their bags and snap into it.

- Yes, sir. - Take them down to that hotel.

Swell double date.

You can't even talk to the girls.

Why don't you stay in town over night?

I bet you can find a nice room at the YMCA.

Gee, you look great in a uniform.

Well, I always think of you with a blue ribbon in your hair.

I'm so glad you didn't grow a mustache

like you said you would.

You know, I entered your picture in a beauty contest

at camp.

You came in third.

Wasn't it awfully hard to get used to living in the same room

with 16 fellas?

You know, if I had known you were gonna enlist,

I'd never have sent you those silk stockings.

Oh, don't forget to remind me.

I-- I brought you a box of cigars.

Say, uh, I wanna get you some flowers.

Is there anything in regulation says you can't wear

flowers when you're in uniform?

Here.

I was gonna take these home to my wife,

but I'll get her a derby hat instead.

Good, good.

Danny?

- Oh, no. - Here.

No, thank you.

That's a zebra.

There.

That doesn't look like a swan.

That looks like a wombat or something.

Lookit, a swan is like this.

Call that a swan?

Yeah, that's a swan with a stiff neck.

Here, hold your arm like this.

Crook this finger.

Gee, your hand is cold.

Oh, it'll get warm if you hold it a while.

I suppose you'll be leaving soon, Joe.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Will you write to me?

Danny'll be writing to you every day.

He'll keep you posted about me.

How about you keeping me posted about Danny?

I don't want to do anything to hurt him, Mary.

And you know how he feels about you.

It just seems kind of a bad time to knock

the pins out from under him.

Don't you think?

I guess you're right.

I wish there were some way to wrap up a night like this

and take it along.

So do I. Well, at least we made

beautiful shadows together.

Mary?

What, Joe?

I know how to make a wonderful shadow.

Joe, Mary?

What's yourself, fellas.

Hey, wait'll you see what I found.

Virginia's over there now.

You can make one for me, and Joe can make one for Virginia,

or they can put all four of us on one.

Gee, I won't mind being separated from you now, Mary.

Of course I'll mind, but it won't be so bad.

What on earth are you talking about?

Well, for Pete's sake Mary, I just

told you we found a place right near her where you can

put your own voice on a record.

Well, uh, none of us know where

we're headed or-- or when.

It's kind of a mixed up world.

You just get started to really know somebody,

and next thing you know, you're telling them goodbye.

Well, all I can say is good luck to us all.

- Oh, that's swell. - That was swell.

Mary,.

I don't know what to say.

Say something.

Well, I never liked--

I never like goodbyes, and--

and this way I--

I get kind of a funny feeling, knowing

you'll be playing this when we're thousands of miles apart.

Hurry back.

I'll be waiting.

And Danny, take good care of yourself,

as if I have to tell you.

Well, I-- I guess that's all.

Bless you both.

Oh, gee, Mary, that was wonderful.

Gee, Mary, that was wonderful.

I'll be playing that record all the time,

and hearing your voice, no matter where they send this,

it'll be just like you were there.

In the mic.

What's the matter?

Keep on talking.

Say that again.

Keep on talking.

What's that clicking in your throat?

Clicking?

Yeah.

You've got enlarged tonsils.

They didn't get 'em all out when they operated, did they?

Nobody operated, not on me.

Look.

Uh-huh.

That explains everything.

You should be on the table right now.

You know, there's lots of people walking around

don't know how sick they are.

Ought to be in hospital.

Here's your first shrimp.

That shrimp is here.

Beat it, you.

Oh, button your lip.

Think you're a big shot just because you're making

a lot of noise around here.

Scram.

Shut up!

Get out of here.

Ah, shut up.

Oh, Virginia, that thing's still going.

Get up there. Take her.

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, folks.

Wait a minute.

Hold it, hold it.

Now this is turning out to be a fine record.

Now look, you've got three minutes left.

Will you see if you can do a little

better on the rest of it?

Well, I don't know anything to say.

But I want to give you something to remember me by.

Would anybody be surprised if I sang a song at this point?

Well, it's about time.

I used to be bewildered.

My outlook on life wasn't clear.

Then all at once the mists seemed to disappear.

Now I know why I go walking round in a wonderful glow.

There's a lot that I'm not conscious of,

but this feeling I feel must be love.

Now I know why it's so, why I'm alive

and I thrive on the thrill.

Here am I riding high on a hill far away from the usual drone

with a world of my own at my feet

all because it was heavenly sweet to have

planned that we meet.

Never dreamed in my wildest dream

that I'd fall quite so wholeheartedly.

Now I know love is all that it's cracked up to be.

Never dreamed in my wildest dream

that I'd fall quite so wholeheartedly.

Now I know love is all that it's cracked up to be.

Thank you.

Very good.

Oh, cut it out, will ya, Blackie?

Listen, nervous.

Take it easy, Blackie.

I thought I told you to lay off that Victrola.

The next time I catch you fooling around with it,

I'm gonna break off both your arms and legs,

and hit you over the head with 'em.

Get your hands off that record, Blackie.

OK.

Oh, Butterball, give me that record, will ya?

- Come on. - Oh, watch it, fellas, will ya?

You're gonna break that.

Give me it.

Listen, fellas, you're gonna break that.

Get away.

I eat records, and I'm hungry.

Hey, fellas, you ever see me eat a record?

Hey, wait a minute, Butterball.

I'll get you some ketchup for it.

Yeah, yeah, get me some ketchup.

We'll put some ketchup on it.

OK, we'll get some ketchup.

Come on. Where is it?

Let's get over here.

- Get out of the way. - Come on.

Come one. - Here we are.

OK, sarge, shake it up there.

My medicine.

What have you done with my medicine?

I put it all in one bottle so as we could conserve space.

- Hey, spill some on here. - OK.

That's it.

Get it all over.

Hey, come here, you.

give him a shampoo.

No, make him drink it.

Stuff it down his throat, Blackie.

Good idea.

stand around and watch him explode.

Hey, you goons.

Hey, hey, cut it out!

Who's doing that?

Yeah, you two-- you've been picking on Danny long enough.

Now cut it out or I'm gonna crack your heads together

like a couple of coconuts.

Listen, meathead, you're gonna crack whose heads

together like what coconuts?

Yeah, that's what I wanna know.

Hey, fellas!

Hey, fellas!

It's come!

No! No, no, no!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

It's just like I've been telling you.

What? What?

- We're shoving off. - Really?

Who told you that?

We're shoving off right this minute.

What do you mean?

No, come here. Look.

Look for yourself. Get a load of this.

Maybe he's telling the truth.

Hey, Joe.

Now do you believe me?

Oh, brother.

Oh, boy, it looks like the third platoon

is going out right there.

Hey, look at the guns!

Yeah.

Hey, Joe, we're really leaving, I guess.

Danny, lookit!

There goes that gold brick outfit.

Hey, hey, look!

They've got a hospital truck just for me.

Attention.

All right, men, get everything ready.

Full packs and helmets.

This company moves out in exactly one half hour.

Snap to it.

Come on, Danny.

Get your pills.

Hey, don't forget to take your pills.

How am I gonna get ready in a half hour, Joe?

You won't if you don't stop worry and start packing.

Well, why do they give us such short notice all the time?

Oh, Joe, what about Mary?

She'll be awfully worried.

I can't go away without saying goodbye to Mary.

Maybe I'll never see her again, Joe.

Maybe never.

That's quite a while.

A lot of fellas in that same spot, Danny.

Come on.

Get going.

OK, you take it.

Thanks.

Goodbye, Veronica.

Hey, what am I talking about?

You're going with us.

I'm going, too.

Get out of here.

Hey, Butterball, you seen anything of Danny?

Not since we left camp.

Hey, you know, LT--

is not at rest.

Cut out the talking.

Uh, yes, sir--

ma'am-- lieutenant.

That will be all!

Danny, you're not making sense.

What is it that was a matter of life and death?

Why did you have to come down here?

Mary, don't you understand?

We're leaving.

There's only a few more minutes left,

and the most terrible thing has happened.

Virginia's going with us on the same boat,

and it's right there.

For heaven sake's, what's so terrible about that?

She's a wonderful girl, and she likes you.

Yeah, but she's not you.

Well, if she can go, you can go.

What?

Maybe you could even take her place.

I could talk to the colonel, and explain,

and tell him that the only--

But Danny, you're not running the Army.

You can't just put me on a boat.

Yeah.

How did you ever know where you were sailing from?

- Oh-- - Oh, no, no.

Don't tell me.

You know you could be shot at sunrise.

Just because I--

No, don't tell me.

Oh, I've gotta get out of here.

What's the matter?

Oh, it's your sergeant.

S-- s-- sergeant?

Quick. You'd better get in there.

Oh, no. I can't get in--

Come on.

It's all right.

I left my rifle and pack in there.

Hey, Lynn.

Have you seen anything of Danny Weems?

Yeah, I saw him a minute ago talking to a nurse.

I think I know where he went.

Come on.

You stay in there.

I'll see if the coast is clear.

Oh, cut it out, will ya, Blackie?

Mary!

Mary!

Mary!

Mary! Let her down!

Let her down!

Mary!

Mary!

Mary!

What's going on here?

Mar-- oh.

Get down off there.

Yes, sir, Colonel Ashley.

Well, what is it?

I was just saying goodbye to my truck, sir.

Truck?

Uh, yeah, I call it Mary.

Mary?

Uh, yeah, well--

oh, you know the way the flyers name their planes?

Well, you've heard of the Daisy Mae and the Susie Q?

That's the Mary Ann.

Uh, goodbye, Mary.

Bye. - What is this?

What is this? Report to your company at once.

- Yes, sir. - Fasten your belt.

Yes, sir.

Well, that's all.

Yes, sir.

There's a mighty rumble in the air.

And the rumble's going everywhere.

It's the echo of a simple prayer.

People pray to be saved from the tyrants

and the tyrant must be crushed, so here we go.

All out freedom.

It's all out for freedom.

Who dares to take it away?

10 million Yankees and standing pat.

And the world knows that is a pain.

That which we carry was not one to bury.

We'll need to keep it or die.

Who's Yankee ,, like our

we shall call out for freedom to the sky.

That's the Yankee doodle man reply.

All out for freedom.

It's all out for freedom.

Who dares to take it away?

10 million Yankees are standing pat

and the world knows that is a pain.

That which we carry was not hard to bury.

We need to keep it or die.

we shall call out fro freedom to the sky.

That's the Yankee doodle man reply.

All out for freedom.

It's all out for freedom.

Who dares to take it away?

10 million Yankees are standing pat.

And the world knows that is a pain.

That which we carry was not one to bury.

We'll need to keep it or die.

To the last Yankee we shall call

out for freedom to the sky.

That's the Yankee doodle man reply.

That which we carry was not one to bury.

We'll need to kee it or die.

without a ship.

We'll just keep on.

Well, should we go and have a word with the captain?

All right, sir.

Come along, gentlemen.

Hey, Joe.

Psst!

What's all the mystery about?

Well, something a little unexpected has happened.

It's made me so sick I--

I hadn't had a chance to get seasick.

Well, where are we going?

Down in the hold.

Wait'll you see what I've got.

Well, whatever it is, can't it wait?

No, it'd starve.

You mean it's alive?

I-- I hope so.

No, that's not the one.

Joe!

Mary!

What are you doing-- - Shh!

Well, what is she doing--

Shh!

Holy cats.

This is all I could get, Mary--

pretzels and-- and-- and-- and bananas.

I hope you're not thirsty.

Well, tell me.

What's going on?

How did this happen?

It's a long story, Joe.

I don't even want to hear it myself.

Well, the colonel's going to hear it.

What?

I'll just have to tell him what happened, Danny.

Oh.

Mary, I-- I hate to bring this up.

It's only a small detail, but if you tell the colonel the truth,

I'll be shot at sunrise--

as early as that.

Oh, why didn't that draft board listen to me when

I told them not to take you.

Shh!

Get back in there.

Stay where you are.

I tell you, I heard something.

Isn't there livestock in this hold?

It's a dog.

Shh!

Sounds vicious.

I hate dogs.

If he comes at you, take a shot at it.

Don't come at me.

I got hydrophobia.

What's going on here?

I've got a dog in my throat.

Some people have frogs, but I have a--

I, uh-- that is, we were looking for C deck.

Come on.

Get out of there.

Come on.

What gives? - Speak up, soldier.

Speak up.

I, uh--

I bought a little gun, and I learned to shoot.

I bought a little horn, and I learned to too.

Now I can't shoot and toot and..

Why, you!

Hey, hey!

What?

Hey, hey, hey!

These pills are on me, boys.

What's happened to Mary?

I haven't had a chance to get away.

We've got to figure some way to sneak her out.

Joe, she's already snuck.

What?

I couldn't her in the hold.

The air is full of dust particles.

Where you're going the windows are full of bars.

Yes.

Hm.

Look, she's got her uniform on underneath my fatigue clothes.

If she can get through this crowd up to the officers deck,

then all we have to do is get her to the nurses deck.

Yeah, but--

There's 106 of them on board.

Nobody'll notice if there's 107.

Virginia'll help us.

I'll tell her.

Psst!

Uh, captain, would you be sweet enough

to get my musette bag.

I left it over there somewhere on a chair.

Certainly, lieutenant.

Thank you so much.

Hello, Danny.

Where can we go and be alone?

Oh, Danny.

I've gotta get you alone right away.

Well, well.

Listen, if we could find a dark place

somewhere, just you and I.

Oh, this salt air is doing you a lot of good.

Uh-huh.

And how about a life boat?

Uh, what is this, honey?

Commando tactics?

No.

Virginia, you don't understand.

Oh, yes, I do.

By popular request, Lt. Virginia Merrill will sing.

"Tess's Torch Song."

Oh, I've gotta go sing now, but I'll be back.

Now, don't go away.

Here is a story 'bout a gal.

Folks called her totty Tess.

Because she trusted, her heart got busted.

Love made her life a mess.

It evidently was an awful blow, for this is word for her word

for Tess's tale of woe.

I had a man.

He was a good man.

That is, you see, what I mean is I thought he was a good man.

I had a friend.

She was a good friend.

I told my friend 'bout my man 'cause I

thought she was a good friend.

Life was sweet.

Didn't I have my man?

World complete.

Then the fireworks began.

Ain't got no man.

Ain't got no friend.

I'll bet you can guess just exactly what happened.

That was the end, the end of my friend, the end of my man,

and almost the end of me.

She had a man.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I had a man.

He was a good man.

That is, you see, what I mean is I thought he was a good man.

She had a friend.

I had a friend.

I said I had a friend.

She was a good friend.

I told my friend 'bout my man 'cause I

thought she was a good friend.

Life was sweet.

Didn't I have my man, my man?

World complete.

Then the fireworks began.

Ain't got no man.

Ain't got no friend.

I bet you can guess just exactly what happened.

That was the end, the end of my friend, the end of my man,

and darn near the end of me--

of me.

Was darn near the end of me.

Uh, Colonel Ashley!

Colonel Ashley!

Uh, well, fellas, you all know the colonel.

You-- you all know the colonel offered

the prize for best original song about the life of a soldier.

Well, I, uh-- uh--

I've been composing one, but I haven't learned all

the words that Joe wrote yet.

That is, that I wrote.

We're writing now.

Uh-- uh-- that we--

why-- why-- why, I'll recite "Gunga Din" by Rudyard Kipling.

Oh, no you won't.

Oh, no I won't.

Uh, how about I--

well-- well, I'll try the new song.

I don't know it very well, but-- uh, Rudy, if you'll--

well, I can-- thanks.

Oh, they passed a law down in Washington DC.

Yes, yes!

Yes, they passed a law down in Washington DC.

Yes, they did.

That's what they did.

They passed a law down in Washington DC.

Yankee Doodle's going to town, and they

want young fellas like me.

In a goldfish bowl new and shiny,

they went eeny, meeny, miney, and cried, hey, young, pup,

you knocked us out.

The mailman.

Questionnaire.

The mailman.

Report to doctor.

Fine specimen.

Oh no.

Flat feet.

1A!

Hey!

High left.

Hi right.

Left, right, right, left.

Oh, the sergeant.

Get out of there.

Left, right, right, left, left, right.

Make up your mind.

Shut up.

Peel potatoes.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah?

Mary?

Oh, Joe.

Come on.

Joe, I'm scared.

It's all right.

Come on.

Where are we going?

Danny's gone up and set everything up with Virginia.

He's gonna meet us in a few minutes.

Gee, you look cute in that outfit.

Well, I feel like Tuesday afternoon

in a wet wash laundry.

We might as well wait here for Danny.

Oh, I got the shivers.

Are you cold, honey-- uh, Mary?

A little.

Mostly frightened.

Well, here.

That better?

Much better, Joe.

This is like being in front of a warm fire

and it's snowing outside.

I kind of like it, too.

We must do this more often.

Remind me of that, will you?

Three times a day for the next 40 years.

40 years.

Well, I wonder--

What?

Well, I was just wondering what these uniforms will look

like when we take 'em out of a trunk someday,

and shake the moth balls out of 'em, and go

marching in a parade on the Fourth of July.

Joe, do you really think it'll be a better world?

I'm sure of it.

Gosh, it's a better world already.

That's him.

Hey!

Hey! - Oh.

Come here. Everything's arranged.

Come on. We go.

Hey, I better take her, Danny.

No, no, Joe.

I can get away with it much better than you can.

I've been up to the dispensary so many times

they think I live there.

Come on.

Well, good luck, and be careful.

I'll wait here for you, Danny.

Hey, wait a minute.

Do you know your way?

Do I know my way?

You go up the third companionway on the starboard,

then cross to the port side through the

on the left, then turn right on B deck

up the third ladder to C deck, nip through the paint locker

to the second corridor, two turns right, one turn left,

then you double back.

It's a cinch.

It's this way.

Well, haven't you any idea where we are?

No.

They must have turned the boat around.

Oh, Danny.

Shh!

Who is it?

That you, Meeker?

Oh.

Who are you?

Uh-- uh, me?

Well, who are you?

Uh, Private MacTavish, sir.

Well, get up.

Come out of there.

Well, what's going on here?

Uh, uh, it's a.

Very ,, very..

On your feet.

It's a wee bit of mistake, colonel.

I was always looking for me bagpipe,

and I mistook a wee bit of your quarters

for a wee bit of my quarters, sir.

Sorry, sir.

MacTavish, you're under arrest.

Aye, sir.

Uh, I was looking for me bagpipe, sir.

You're drunk.

Report to ship's brig.

Aye, sir.

Private MacTavish places himself under arrest, sir.

sir.

It's a wee bit of a mouse, sir.

What?

Oh, which is a bagpipes.

There are two of them!

Call for the guards!

Come back here!

Come back here!

One of them's a woman!

Call for the guards!

Yes, sir.

Arrest that man.

Those men. - One of them's a woman.

Well, what are you standing there for?

Danny, no.

This is full of men.

Shh!

There's my bed. Get in it.

Why?

I-- I mean, get under it.

Well, I might as well take a look across the way.

Hey, Danny, I can't stay here.

I know.

But I can't think of any other place.

Hey, you.

You! - Yeah?

Yeah?

Who are you talking to?

Oh, to me.

I always talk to myself in my sleep.

Yeah?

You always sleep with your head hanging onto the floor?

Oh, sure.

Keeps the blood from rushing to my feet.

Well, you wake me up again, and your blood'll

be rushing all over the boat.

What are you doing?

Oh, Veronica.

Where you been, Veronica?

Come out into the garden with me.

I wouldn't have you wear it any other way.

Say something, sweetie.

Say something.

I have to go now.

I have to go to the hairdresser.

Veronica.

Yes, I do.

You?

Hey, what'd you do with Veronica?

I don't-- I don't know.

She had to go.

She had to go to the hairdresser.

You dirty double crosser, what are you doing here?

I was walking in my sleep.

When-- when I walk in my sleep, I gotta talk in my sleep,

but I can't talk unless I walk.

Isn't this a beautiful night?

Ah.

Everybody up.

All right, reveille, boys.

Everybody up.

Come on.

Everybody gets out of bed.

That's it. Come on.

Inside.

Last one up's a rotten egg.

Beautiful morning?

Wait a minute.

It's dark outside.

That's fog.

Dark fog.

Reveille?

It feels like I just went to bed.

No, it only seems like you just went to bed.

Come on. Everybody up.

Time flies when you're busy.

Hey, you just woke me up a minute ago.

Oh, you're sleepwalking, Blackie.

Wake up. Wake up.

Come on. Wake up.

Everybody out.

That's the spirit. Come on.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Will you cut it out?

First company out on deck!

Not here, Blackie. - What?

Over there. There's a draft here.

- Hey, cut it out. - You'll catch cold over there.

Cut it out, or I'll..

Wonder where I put 'em?

I can't find 'em anywhere.

Oh, look out! Look out!

- Hey, what's that? - Oh, look out.

I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it.

What's the matter with you?

There was a spider on your head.

- A spider? - Yeah, a big one.

Where?

There he is.

Oh, what's the matter with you?

There was a big spider.

You been taking too many pills, jack.

There's a spider.

Ah, shut up.

I wonder where I put my drawers.

Don't say that.

That's a naughty word.

What, drawers?

No, no, no!

Ah, cut it out.

You know, I'll be glad when I can sleep

like I used to-- bare naked.

Now don't say the word naked.

Huh?

We don't want words like that in our quarters.

Don't forget, fellas, this is our home.

Horace, would you mind passing me my unmentionables?

Now wait a minute--

Just a second, Percy, till I put on my wimple.

Oh, my, my, Ferdinand.

What a beautiful snoot you have.

Woo woo.

Woo woo.

Rooty toot, rooty toot.

We are the boys of the institute.

What's going on here?

Hey, guys, look at Joe.

He's up already and all dressed.

Come on, Butterball.

Get dressed.

That's setting a very good example, Joe.

Well, what's everybody doing up so early?

It's only 4:00-- - Ah!

Hey, what's that?

Only 4:00.

Only the duration, and then we'll take a vacation,

and sleep, and sleep, and sleep, and sleep,

and then we'll take a--

Well, Danny, what's all the--

Mary's under the la-la-la.

We've gotta get the fellas out.

What's that?

The fellas up on the deck.

And up, and up, and up, and up.

Hit the deck.

And the wind a-blows..

Where is she?

Where's who?

Oh, where's the salt and the spray

on the deck in the.

Hey, what kind of an outfit is this?

Oh.

Wow.

All right, Mary.

Joe, darling.

Oh, Mary.

Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, you don't know what we've been through.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Don't worry, darling.

I'll take care of everything.

Oh, just let me stay here a minute.

I'm sorry, Danny.

We didn't plan it this way.

It just happened.

Oh, Danny, we didn't mean to.

It's all right.

Better get her out of here, Joe.

Yeah.

Platoon, attention!

At ease.

All right, men, sound off when I call your names.

Jones!

Here!

No.

No.

Taller man.

Bogland.

Here!

No.

Thinner.

Here he comes, Joe.

Yeah, here he comes, and you better stop shaking.

If he recognizes you, he'll have you shot.

Black!

Here!

Well, I was only good for a few months anyway.

Here.

But I didn't want to die from the colonel, Joe.

I wanted to die in a hospital.

Tim.

Here.

With some flowers, and nurses, and maybe a little fruit.

Rhodes.

Here.

Weems!

What's your name?

Patrick O'Houlihan sir.

O'Houlihan, eh?

Uh, yes, sir.

Oh, and the top of the morning to you, for a fine

of a colonel you are.

May you get to kiss the Blarney Stone

and spend every minute of your life

in the shadow of the statue of St. Patrick, and..

What?

Goodbye, Joe.

Grab him!

Come on, Weems.

The colonel wants to see you.

All right, I'm coming.

Well, bring him here.

Bring him here.

I surrender, sir.

O'Houlihan, eh?

Yes, sir.

Aren't you also Private Weems?

Well, aren't you?

Yes, sir.

I want to tell you everything, colonel.

I'm also Private MacTavish.

See?

What?

Oh, I just had to do it, colonel.

I had to.

I was protecting a certain lady.

And I know as one gentleman to another

you won't ask me who she is.

Oh, I won't, eh?

Well, here are your glasses, sir.

I just used them for a little while,

but I took very good care of them, and now--

Well, that's very kind of you.

Thank you.

Here.

Oh!

What's that clicking in your throat?

What did you say?

Nothing, sir.

Nothing.

Thanks for the glasses, sir.

Well, who was the girl?

I don't know.

Who did she say?

She doesn't know.

Don't keep me in suspense.

What did he do with her?

Well, he tried to hide her, and they landed right

in the colonel's state room.

No.

Said he thought it was the boiler room.

What happened then?

Well, then he sneaked her into his own bunk room.

That sounds interesting.

Hm?

Oh, yes, well they questioned him for hours,

but he refused to give the girl's name.

Said it was the unwritten law.

Listen, you officers, I heard that there was

going to be an investigation.

They're going to check up on all of us.

Well, anyway, I'm in the clear.

Are you sure?

Yes.

I couldn't squeeze under a soldier's bunk.

Darn it.

We never had anything like this in the last war.

Sergeant, we don't have anything like it in this war

either.

Gosh, how could a guy who looks like a canary

turn out to be a wolf?

This fellow Weems'll probably go down in history books.

What are you dishing?

Shh.

Say, by the way, where were you

last night when you said you were

out getting some fresh air.

I was out getting some fresh air.

Disappointed?

Hey, maybe it was the girl's idea.

Maybe she was chasing after him.

Why, Joanna.

That'd change things considerably, wouldn't it?

You ever heard of a girl being arrested

for overpowering a man?

Not where I come from.

Hello.

Hello.

- Hi. - Hello.

Hello.

Hey, Virginia, do you think anybody noticed me?

No.

No.

But did you hear what that girl said?

Uh-huh.

Mary, suppose you went to Colonel Ashley

and told him that you were the aggressor.

What?

That you sneaked in Danny's bunk room because--

because, well, you couldn't keep away from him.

Well, that'd take the blame off Danny

and get him out of the brig. That's what you want, isn't it?

Uh-huh, but-- uh-uh.

They'd find out I'm a stowaway, and

Danny's responsible for that.

They'd probably shoot the both of us.

No.

I-- I guess you couldn't do it.

Hey.

Try to remember.

How did you get there?

I don't remember how I got to his room.

Or when.

All I remember is the moonlight and the music

coming from nowhere.

Coming from where?

From nowhere, sir.

Yeah, make a note of that.

Yes, sir.

I must say I can't understand this man's hypnotic power.

He doesn't seem to be the type at all.

Well, if he'd ever held you close in his arms,

you understand, Colonel Ashley.

Yes, I daresay.

Lt. Merrill, you astound me.

You've got a fine record.

You don't appear to be the type of girl who would--

Oh, you don't know me at all, Colonel Ashley.

And I don't know you--

not really, I don't.

But I bet you weren't always so stern and unapproachable.

Yes, well, uh, my character is not under discussion.

No, sir, but you were young once.

Maybe you can still understand what it's like to lie here

night after night, restless, lonely,

longing to throw your arms about someone,

to feel the touch of his lips on yours.

No.

No, I reckon you don't know what that means, Colonel Ashley.

Well, I should think not.

Well, I tried to fight it off, but it was stronger than I was.

Then suddenly it happened.

What happened?

There was a purple flash.

Purple flash?

And the next thing I knew I was--

I'm sorry.

I was breaking down his door.

And there he was.

Where?

Lying there, asleep.

Helpless.

I came closer.

And closer.

And--

That's close enough.

Lt. Merrill, you are confined to your quarters

- till further notice. - Yes, sir.

And that'll be all.

Yes, sir.

Well, this alters the case against Weems.

How is that, sir?

Well, you can't very well punish the catnip

for the behavior of the cat.

Release Private Weems from the brig.

All right, sir.

Colonel, you really don't believe that story, do you?

Certainly not, but I'd like to read the last chapter.

Give him a little rope.

See that they're both closely watched.

They'll hang themselves.

All right, sir.

Purple flash.

And here he is-- the purple flash.

Oh, cut it out, will ya, fellas?

I ain't in the mood.

He ain't in the mood.

He ain't romantical.

Imagine.

They say a dame broke down his door to get to him.

I heard it was two dames with hatchets.

One of 'em got away.

I, uh, thought his pal Joe was the great lover.

Yeah, I guess he is.

Say, flash, what's in them pills you been eating?

Hey, lover, roll them big blue eyes for us, will ya?

Yeah, come on. Hop to it.

Come on.

Just stop it, fellas.

Hey, Blackie, I want to ask you a favor.

Yeah?

Would you do me a favor?

No.

I just wanted to use your phonograph for a little while.

You got some nerve after what you done.

What did I done?

Last one up's a rotten egg.

Black fog.

Yeah, you still owe me three hours sleep.

I catch you taking anything else,

I'm gonna reach down your throat, grab you by the feet,

and turn you inside out.

Maybe you'd look better that way.

Well, uh, none of us

know where we're headed or when.

It's a mixed up world.

This way I get kind of a funny feeling

knowing that you'll be playing this when

we're thousands of miles apart.

Hey, Blackie, are my eyes pink?

Nah, only the white part's pink.

That guy, nervous, says I got pinkeye.

And I breathe in, and I don't breathe out.

I breathe out.

He says I got arteriosclerosis.

Yeah, what's that?

It means I got too much liver.

I'm a walking butcher shop.

Shh.

Oh, Danny, take good care of yourself.

How do you like that guy?

He's in trouble with one dame, and he's already

got another one in there.

Yeah?

Well.

I guess that's all.

Take-- take good care of yourself.

Hurry back.

Oh, gee, Mary, that was wonderful.

Oh.

Gee, Mary, that was wonderful.

I'll be playing that record all the time

and hearing your voice no matter where they send us.

Hey, what's going on here?

Uh.

What's that clicking in your throat?

Huh?

You know, there's

lots of people walking around, don't know how sick they are.

Ought to be in hospital.

How's that?

Here's your fresh shrimp.

That shrimp is here.

Oh, I'm a shrimp, am I?

Ah, button your lip.

Think you're a big shot just because you're making

a lot of noise around here.

Shrimp!

Shrimp!

They're hot.

They're tasty, they're fresh.

- Shut up. - The guy's going nuts.

Get out of here.

Look out.

Stop.

You're tickling me.

Tickling you?

I ain't even touched you.

Oh, would anybody be surprised if I sang a song?

Well, it's about time.

Now I know why I go walking

round in a wonderful glow.

There's a lot that I'm not conscious of,

but this feeling I feel must be love.

Now I-- now I-- now I--

now I-- now I--

now I-- now I-- now I-- now I-- now I--

now I-- now I know.

Now we both know.

Girls, girls, girls.

Beautiful girls.

Purple flash.

Big lover.

Girls.

Beautiful girls.

There he goes, the purple flash.

The purple flash.

flash.

What's in them pills you been eating?

It's the purple flash, the great lover.

Hey, lover, roll them great big blue eyes.

That's him, the purple flash.

Arrest that man.

They broke his door down to get to him.

The purple flash.

I do.

I do.

Love-- it can get you in the strangest messes.

I know your story well.

It's just like tortured Tess's.

You had a gal.

mama, what a gal was marry.

She was your best gal.

Oh, beat me, daddy, what a pal was Mary.

That is, you see, what I mean is you

thought she was your best gal.

I had a friend.

Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe, the Rock of G--Gibraltar.

He was my best friend.

So, so, so, so sweet as chocolate malted.

I told my friend 'bout my gal 'cause I

thought he was my best friend.

Life was sweet.

I was happy man.

World complete.

Then came the bust up that busted my crust up.

The fireworks began.

You lost your gal.

Oh, murder Jackson, blows those blues for me.

You lost your friend.

Oh, murder, murder in the first degree.

I got a feeling that something will happen.

This won't be the end.

No, no.

I'll find a new friend.

Yes, yes.

I'll find a new gal.

Ho, ho.

This won't be the end of me.

Well, zoop.

Well, root.

Well, well, I'll root with a heppa, heppa,

heppa, and a step, step, step.

Greetings,.

How you been?

Feeling great.

Give me some skin.

Looking sharp.

Sharp as a harp.

Feeling keen?

Oh, keen as a bean.

No tears for Mary?

They're dry as the prairie.

No woe for Joe?

Oh, no, no, no.

No beating the grave?

Nay, nay, nay.

No busted ticker?

Ticker ticking slicker.

Well, toast me, Melba.

Is this is a fact?

Meet me, daddy, and I'll hit you back.

Well, zoot.

Well, root.

Well, well, I'll root with a heppa, heppa,

heppa, and a step, step, step.

Hey, good looking.

Whatcha is a-cooking?

Feeling groovy?

Groovy as a movie.

Soft and mellow.

Mellow as a cello.

Born to be with chicken.

Now you's a-clicking.

No.

Solid jack.

Well, ration me some passion.

Pitch me some woo.

I'm a button glutton.

Smackeroo.

Well, drill me, lance.

I'm well all right.

Slap me, mama, 'cause it's Saturday night.

Well, zoot.

Well, boot.

Well, well, I'll root with a heppa, heppa,

heppa, and a step, step, step.

Well, zoot.

Well, boot.

Well, well, I'll root with a hep, hep, hep!

Mary.

Mary.

Mary.

Mary.

My name's Bertha Sewella.

No.

Mary.

Mary.

Private Weems?

Here, let me in here.

Who's Mary?

Mary Morgan, the girl I smuggled onto the boat.

- Uh-oh. - Huh?

- Make a note of that, Meeker. - Yes, sir.

Better look into this captain.

Yes, sir.

Did you say Mary Morgan?

Yes, Mary.

What are you doing in my dreams?

You're not a beautiful girl.

Well, I should think not.

His pulse is normal, sir.

Well, get the rest of him normal and lock him up.

You hear me? Lock him up.

Yes, sir.

Well, it was a nice dream while it lasted.

And so, after spending many long hours in the brig,

our hero reaches Baguna, the isle of dreams,

the garden spot of the Pacific, a lush tropical paradise

to spend many more hours in the brig.

Please, come here.

Blackie!

Blackie!

Butterball!

A million islands in the Pacific, and we

gotta land on one with no canteen,

no hula girls, and no Japs.

You gotta get it to me, fellas.

It's been weeks now.

I'm going crazy.

I warn you.

I warn you!

If I don't get my vitamins, it'll overexcite my thyroid,

and anything can happen!

Maybe we ought to get reinforcements.

Yeah.

Oh, now really, fellas?

I've lived with Danny Weems for 12 years, sir.

I admit he's got kind of a genius for stirring up trouble,

but he always means well.

He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Private Weems is not charged with hurting flies.

However, when I look over the list of his offenses,

it appears to me that's the only crime he hasn't committed.

But Colonel Ashley, I'm just as much to blame,

and I'm perfectly willing to--

She had nothing to do with it, sir.

It was all an accident, and then on the ship,

she wanted to tell you the truth, and I wouldn't let her.

That will be all.

This investigation has produced no evidence

that alters the case. Has it?

No, sir.

Then Private Weems will face a court martial as I've directed.

And until that can be arranged--

Colonel Ashley?

Private Weems has, uh--

If you please.

Sorry, sir.

Until that can be arranged, he will remain under arrest.

Now, what is it you want?

Private Weems has escaped, sir.

What?

Weren't there any guards there?

Yes, sir, are they're still there, sir.

You mean to tell me that Weems did this all by himself?

Yes, sir, but I can't figure it out, sir.

He was a man with no muscles at all.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, look at that place.

Well, there's one thing.

He got his health back, anyhow.

Well, what happened?

Well, I don't know, sir.

It all happened so quick, didn't it Blackie?

Yeah, he must have had accomplices, sir.

They came from behind and overpowered us.

Captain, send out a searching party.

Yes, sir.

Why did you fellas have to pick on me, anyway?

If you think the Americans are gonna to think I escaped,

you're crazy.

They'll know you did it, and they'll know

there's Japs on this island.

And you'll see what'll happen then.

How do you like that?

They can't speak English, but I can speak Japanese.

and of antiaircraft.

Well, how many men?

Men? Men.

Oh.

Let me see.

Now, there's, um-- there's a fellow

called George Motteltrow.

He-- he's a little fella from Detroit.

Has a rubber.

And we-- then there's, uh, Robert Clockelpoop.

He has hay fever all the time.

Never mind about the men.

What about tanks?

T-- tanks? Tanks?

Oh, tanks.

Uh, tanks.

Well, there's, uh-- oh, we have a great big tank.

We keep hot water in it all the time.

Enough of this foolishness!

Oh.

Well, I'm trying to think, but that thing hurt

my head all the time, and I--

I-- well, maybe if you let me take one of my pills,

I could think more clearly.

It would clear my head, and I'd tell you everything.

You think this is a headache pill, don't you?

Well, you're wrong mister Tojo.

We carry a thing like this just for such an emergency.

It's cyanide of potassium.

No, it's too late.

I've already drunk it.

One drop-- one drop will kill 100 men.

In one second, I'll be dead, and dead men tell no tales.

You see?

It's started already.

If you don't talk,

I will put two in your head.

- Oh, oh, no. - Yes!

Yes!

you must talk.

I will.

How many tanks?

How many tanks? That's all I know.

I told you everything.

Oh, look at that.

What do you know?

Danny's captured 'em all single handed,

but he's still in plenty of trouble with the colonel.

Oh, here's the colonel now.

But please, Colonel Ashley, if you'll only let me explain.

Lt. Morgan, you're in trouble enough yourself without trying

to intercede for Private Weems. - But colonel--

Oh, I know.

I know.

He's a hero, but he's violated every conceivable

military regulation.

If I can only find some extenuating circumstance,

such as a--

a mental lapse.

Oh, he has those all the time, sir.

Well, he's been with Major Brock all afternoon--

a complete psychiatric examination.

And Major Brock's as fine a doctor as you'll find--

oh, here's the major now.

Well, major, what's the verdict?

Him?

Oh, I'd rather not discuss that.

I've-- I've got to get to bed.

Bed? Bed?

What's this?

Hm?

Yeah.

Oh.

You're all right. It's me.

Look.

Look at my eyes.

I blink four times a second.

I'm-- I'm breathing through my liver.

I'm buckling at the knees.

I've got a-- I've got a click in my throat.

Look at my tongue.

I have ichthyosis colitis.

That can only happen to a fish.

Well, hello.

Oh, nurses.

Get a hold of me.

What am I doing?

I don't know whether I'm supposed

to take three pills at 10 o'clock

- or 10 pills at 3 o'clock. - What?

Hm?

Well, never mind.

I'll-- I'll take 'em all now.

Oh.

Next patient, please.

Oh, well, say ah.

- Ah. - Ooh.

Ooh.

Ee ooh ah ooh.

Well, ic Well, root.

Well, well, I'll root with a hep, hep, hep, hep hep.

All out for freedom.

It's all out for freedom.

Who dares to take it away?

10 million Yankees are standing pat.

And the world knows that is a pain.

That which we carry was not ours to bury.

We need to keep it or die.

We shall call out for freedom to the sky.

That's the Yankee doodle man reply.

That which we carry is not ours to bury.

We need to keep it or die.