Original subtitles

Nothing like a Sunday morning beer run.

It's a Sunday morning tradition,

every week for 20 years.

Uh, oh, yeah.

The liquor store is closed on Sundays.

Damn it. We forgot again.

This sucks.

We're going to have to drive to the liquor

store on the other side of the county line now.

Yeah, that county is cool.

They don't let Jesus tell them when to drink beer, no, sir.

Yeah.

They don't care about the Lord.

Let's go, Butt-Head.

Drive us to the liquor store.

I can't drive, dumbass.

They took my license away, because I got a DUI.

You said "D."

Besides, the ankle bracelet they gave me is, like, too big

for me to work the gas pedal.

You gotta drive, dumbass.

But I don't have a license.

Exactly.

That means they can't take it away.

But, um-- but I don't know how to drive, Butt-Head.

I was always too scared to learn,

because of something that happened a long, long time ago

You see, back when we were in school,

I used to sneak off at lunch and spank my monkey

in the driver's ed car.

But then one day, I accidentally

turned the car on, and it rolled into a ditch.

And I stubbed my schlong.

Beavis, I have never cared less about anything

you ever said in my entire goddamn life.

Now get your dumb ass in the car

and drive me to the liquor store.

OK, OK.

I guess I gotta drive.

Beavis, you can do this.

OK. Now, what do I do?

You turn the key, dumbass.

Ahh!

Now move the gear thing to R.

Is R the letter that has a schlong?

Yes.

Obviously.

OK, OK.

What if I run myself over?

You're not going to run yourself over.

Now put your hands on the wheel.

OK, OK. Putting my hands on the wheel.

Got it.

And press down on the gas pedal.

Press it with my butt?

No, dumbass.

What are you doing down there?

You said to put my hands on the wheel,

so I did it in a way that made sense to me.

How am I supposed to know how to do it if you don't tell me?

You've seen me drive 1,000 times, butthole.

Yeah, but I don't watch you.

I always, like, look out the window

and pretend that I'm shooting everything with a bazooka.

Just put your foot on the gas and back up, you dumb butthole.

Foot on the gas?

OK.

I guess you're the expert.

Whoa.

We're moving, Butt-Head.

What if there's a ditch?

There's not a ditch.

I don't see a ditch, Butt-Head.

Ahh!

Ah! Ow!

Ahh! - You ran yourself over.

Ow! Augh!

Three years ago, I asked the most unthinkable and crazy

question possible.

Are we the first generation that won't die?

Three years ago, I asked the most unthinkable, craziest

question possible.

Why did my wife divorce me?

the very best science ever done--

So I use all the most sophisticated medical

technology to find out.

And it turns out it's because I'm a butthole.

I hired a team of 30 medical professionals.

We measured the biological age of every one of my organs.

Organs.

I have the world's youngest schlong,

because it's never been used.

around 5:00 a.m.

Then I'll do a body composition measurement

using a smart scale, looking at fat, muscle, hydration,

weight, arterial stiffness.

Arterial stiffness.

At least his arteries have a boner.

How does that smart scale know all that other stuff?

He pees on it.

The scale is like, I have ingested all of your feces,

and I've determined that you have never scored.

Yeah, it's like, hey,

but I could have told you that before I ingested your feces.

Next, for breakfast, I will have Blueprint Longevity

Protein and Berry nut mix, collagen peptides,

extra-virgin olive oil, and--

Extra-virgin.

Yeah, like, hey, that's me.

For breakfast, I have strawberries and dirt

with some pepper on the side.

Which helps with blood flow, awaken my mind,

and keep my body loose and--

At 10:30 a.m., I lie in the schlong detector.

Results?

Schlong not found.

I do red and near-infrared light

therapy six minutes a day.

Currently, I have two additional therapies.

One is hyperbaric oxygen therapy.

None of the stuff is going to work.

Yep.

I'm going to live longer than him.

Yeah, yeah.

He might as well just enjoy the good life, you know?

Like us.

Yep.

Operating CEO for several endeavors,

including Blueprint, Don't Die,

and the longevity protocol is--

the rest of the day is filled

with endless activities.

including Blueprint, Don't Die.

My longevity protocol is a full-time job.

I am a content creator, and I am a father.

My favorite part--

I devote a full 90 seconds a day to my son.

Yeah.

I'm going to need all his organs in order to survive.

Hello, son.

How's your schlong?

Someday, it will be mine.

Yeah, yeah, but don't use it.

I want it to match.

My favorite part of the entire thing--

What's that thing he's wearing?

It's called a gimp harness, Butt-Head.

What?

No, don't worry about it, Butt-Head.

Uh, OK.

I didn't know they still made that model.

Huh.

Oh.

Oh, we're moving.

OK.

Help, Butt-Head. Help.

Help! I'm going too fast.

We're barely moving, you butthole.

I feel like I could relax more if I had a beer, you know?

We don't have any beers, dumbass.

That's why we're doing this.

Now drive faster.

Faster than this?

Oh, no, we're going right at that red thing.

Oh, no.

No, it's getting closer.

We're heading straight for it.

What do I do?

Help, somebody!

Why is this happening?

Why?

Jesus!

Haven't I been a good man?

Not like this.

Anything but this.

No!

What the hell is wrong with you, Beavis?

It's not my fault.

Should have been a sign somewhere telling me to stop.

Damn it, Beavis.

There's no such thing as a sign that tells you when to stop.

So pay attention to what you're doing.

Ahh!

I stubbed my schlong!

Sorry, Butt-Head.

This is all my fault.

I tried to drive us to the liquor store,

but I messed it up.

And then I stubbed my schlong.

Beavis, you suck more than anyone has ever sucked.

Yeah, yeah.

I know.

But I think, like, I could learn to drive better

if, instead of making me feel bad about myself all the time,

you, like, tried to make me feel good.

Ahh!

I'm not going to touch your schlong, Beavis.

No, no.

That's not what I meant.

I mean, unless you think it's a good idea.

But no, no.

I guess that's crazy.

Ahh!

What I'm saying is, I think I could drive if you just, like,

gave me some confidence.

But how am I supposed to give you confidence

when you suck so bad?

I don't know, but it might be our only chance

to get some beers.

Eh, OK.

I'll try.

Beavis, you suck.

OK, OK. That's a good start.

But there's probably other people

in the world who suck more.

OK, OK.

Yeah.

Keep going, yeah.

And your mom is only sort of a slut.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's working.

And when I did bang her, it was respectfully.

Yeah!

I can do this.

I can drive!

Coming through, yeah.

Yeah, get some, yeah.

- Go, Beavis. - Yeah.

I did it!

Yes!

Hurry, beer!

Let me get one more 12-pack in me and I'll be

ready to drive home.