Original subtitles

How lucky we are to be here, boys,

on our final day of the decade, the 1970s.

And what a decade.

Disco, Kojak, and the mighty Ford Capri.

Any questions?

Sir, why were you coming out of Miss Shaw's chalet this morning?

We were planning your New Year's Eve party for tonight.

But it's already planned. You told us all about it yesterday.

Right, Simon. I never kiss and tell.

And I certainly never make love and tell, so--

Yes! Well, thank you

for that fascinating interjection, Mr Mammoth.

Now, if I could just continue with the safety talk.

Safety talk, Roger.

You're not Evel Knievel, jumping over buses.

Skiing. Point your skis down the slope.

Hope for the best. I'll go first.

But you've never skied! What if something happens?

Then in that case, I would like you to always wear this...

...to remember me by.

You're not funny.

No. And I will need that back. It's my lucky necklace.

Okay, boys. Watch this.

Not that one, Mammoth. It's a black run.

I don't believe in segregation. I believe we're all the same.

That's not what that means!

All right, everyone.

Now, in the unlikely event of the avalanche alarm sounding...

Sir? What's that?

The avalanche alarm sounding.

Mammoth!

- Mammoth! - Mammoth!

- Mammoth! - Mammoth!

- Mammoth! - Mammoth!

Baaaah!

Oh!

Whew! Thank you.

Oh! That was close.

Mwah!

I would like to buy you a drink at the New Year's Eve party later on

to say thank you.

I haven't been out for that long? It is still New Year's Eve?

What is-- What is the date?

- Attendez. - What...

Parlez dans le telephone.

What is the date?

It's Monday, the 1st of January...

...2024.

♪ Out on the street, I was talking to a man.

- ♪ He said, there's so much... ♪ - Mr Mammoth!

Mr Mammoth told reporters,

"Thank God for this global-warming thing,

or I might never have been found."

♪ You need direction, yeah, you need a name.

♪ When you're standing at the crossroads...

♪ Every highway looks the same.

♪ After a while, you can recognise the signs.

♪ So if you get it wrong, you'll get it right next time. ♪

Tony, what's the story about you and Anne Robinson?

Hello, mate. Can I interest you

in a subscription to the Animal Rescue Hotel?

Come on, mate. It won't take long.

♪ Life is a liar, yeah, life is a cheat. ♪

Yeah. I can make the meeting. I'll be there nine-ish.

I'm just on my way now.

♪ No use complainin'; don't you worry, don't you whine. ♪

Who's a good boy?

♪ 'Cos if you get it wrong, you'll get it right next time.

♪ Next time. ♪

- Tony Mammoth? - All right.

- Can I just take a quick picture? - Oh. Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

Just...

♪ You got to grow, you got to learn by your mistakes.

♪ You got to die a little every day just to try to stay awake. ♪

He shot to fame as "the Iceman."

But this woolly Mammoth is glad his favourite pub didn't go extinct.

Yeah. I couldn't believe my luck, to be honest.

I mean, this place hasn't changed at all since the late '70s.

Er, bit of an exaggeration, Mammoth.

We do flavoured crisps now.

This is Barry, same great landlord.

Roger, same great best mate.

- Cheers, boys. - Cheers.

There we go.

♪ After a while, you can recognise the signs.

♪ So if you get it wrong, you'll get it right next time. ♪

So what's next...

What's next for Tony Mammoth

now that the world has moved on and your 15 minutes of fame is over?

Yeah, and thank God for that.

Who'd want to be famous now?

Not like it was back in the day, is it?

What would you rather do?

Go on the piss with Oliver Reed or eat kangaroos' balls in the jungle?

Not that he's done either of those things.

No.

I'm going back to do what I was born to do.

This might seem an unusual appointment,

as Mr Mammoth is technically in his 90s.

But Mr Freeman is currently indisposed,

and Mr Mammoth is fully qualified.

Also, the council insisted we had to rehire him,

as it would be ageist not to.

- Great! Moving on. - Er, just one thing, Mr Cowley.

Have you lost your mind?

He hasn't taught for half a century.

Leave this to me, Pete.

I know this school.

Every room.

Every corridor.

Every cock and balls scratched into a desk with a compass.

They knocked down the old school. It was full of asbestos.

The point is...

...I died for this school.

Can you say that?

Can you? Can you?

Can you say that?

I never hit a kid... even when everyone was doing it.

Also, if Mr Mammoth joins the staff,

I won't be the worst-dressed teacher then.

Very good. What's your name?

Mr Evans. Carl Evans.

Good joke, Carl.

Very funny.

Now, in the first instance, it'll be a trial period of a term.

Then we'll see where we are.

Oh, and while I've got you all here,

good luck to everyone for parents' evening this Thursday.

Parents' evening is this Thursday?

Brilliant. Best night of the year.

I can't wait. I can't wait. Where we going for drinks first?

Ha! Good one.

Chance would be a fine thing, Mr Mammoth.

Now, unless anyone has any more questions...

No? Great. Good meeting, everyone.

What...

I suppose you'd better come with me, then.

Yeah. I should go and meet the head of PE first.

- If you'll just take me to him. - I am the head of PE.

Yeah. Course you are. What's next?

"Go get me a tin of tartan paint from the woodwork department"?

There is no woodwork department.

What do you do with the thick kids?

- Come here, you. - I'll be late.

You can't go in with your hair all scruffy.

What will the girls think? Or the boys.

You know I don't mind if you're gay.

Yes. I know, Mum. You've said it loads.

And as I keep telling you, I'm not gay.

Mm. It-- It's fine if you are.

Whatever you want to be.

As long as you're practising safe sex.

- I'm not practising any sex. - No.

But if you are, I just want you to be safe.

Ohh. It's cool. We can talk about this.

You and me... chatting about sex stuff.

Just bodies at the end of the day, isn't it?

Okay. Well, I'm gonna leave the country now.

So this is the last time we're gonna see each other.

Come on. Give us a kiss.

Mwah!

Just ignore them. Rise above it.

Don't let them bother you, 'cos they don't bother me.

Hey!

If you scratch my car,

you'll be breathing out your earhole, you little shit!

- Bye, Mum. - Bye, love.

So these are your schemes-of-work folders.

I'm not really a folder sort of bloke.

Well, you are now.

Hey. You can't smoke in here.

I'm not gonna walk back to the staff room for a smoke.

Well, you can't smoke in the building!

In any building!

Who's that in the photo? Your sister?

No. That's my partner, Suzi.

- Business partner? - Nope. My girlfriend.

Good for you.

Mm.

Hey, that Billie Jean King, eh? What a tennis player.

I remember going to see Billie Jean King in 1975, Wimbledon.

Centre court, just after Jimmy Connors.

I didn't see all the Billie Jean King match, obviously.

But, erm, I remember thinking to myself, "Ff! That Billie Jean--"

Can you stop talking about Billie Jean King?

I've got loads of parents' evening prep to do.

Best night of the year, isn't it? All those mums.

I know you're seeing someone, but always good to have a plan B

in case you and, er, thingy-bob don't work out.

Oh, thank God for that.

Can you just go teach your lesson?

And try to remember it's not the 1970s.

Two words: British bulldog.

Perfect test of speed, strength, and stamina.

- Supposed to be badminton, sir. - Badminton.

It's a PE lesson, not a holiday at Pontins.

Right. It's just that Mr Freeman said--

Yeah, but Mr Freeman's not here, is he?

'Cos Mr Freeman's had a nervous breakdown and I haven't.

Okay?

Everyone go and line up.

And don't mention the breakdown! It's confidential!

- What's this? - It's a note.

"Please excuse Theo from PE, as he has--" What?

Carpal tunnel syndrome, sir.

Er, I play a lot of video games. Do you know e-sports?

No, I don't. And I don't want to know.

We're doing real sport today. So put that away. Go and line up.

- But my wrist is really sore. - You're a teenage boy.

Of course your wrist is really sore.

Put that away. Go and line up.

- But, sir, I haven't got any kit. - I will get you some kit.

Or would you rather I sent you to maths?

Yes. Yes, I would. I like maths.

- Really? - Yeah.

So I'm on my way back.

And I know you've asked me not to come into the school again

after that swimming lesson,

but I only jumped in 'cos I thought you were in trouble.

Anyway, the weather is awful and I don't want you getting cold,

so I'll literally drop your coat off and go.

Love you!

What the hell is going on?

- Mum... - Aah!

Theo wasn't even supposed to be doing PE,

and yet I come along and find him getting assaulted.

He got distracted 'cos she interrupted my lesson.

Ha! I wouldn't even call that shitshow I just saw a lesson.

- And what do you know? - About teaching?

- Well, quite a bit, actually. - Oh, yeah?

- My mum was a teacher. - My mum was a housewife.

Doesn't mean I can iron a shirt.

You shouldn't have been there. Simple as that.

It was an emergency. Theo forgot his big coat.

He could have frozen to death.

I doubt it.

- And what do you know? - About freezing to death?

Oh, quite a bit, actually. I froze to death.

Right. Well, I think that's all settled, then, no?

No. My son was excused on medical grounds.

What are you going to do about it? I want him sacked.

Mr Mammoth made a mistake, but sacking is extreme.

And ageist.

- Ageist? - Yes.

- Me? - Yes.

I ran a 10K for age concern. Thank you very much.

You dropped out the week before.

Yes, but I trained for it. You're not helping, Theo.

Well, I'm sure Mr Mammoth has learnt his lesson

and this won't happen again.

Mm.

Fine. Okay.

No PE for Theo. Got it.

Lovely to meet you.

Bye!

I've got to go, too, actually.

Trying to get me sacked on parents' evening week...

...in the middle of my longest-ever dry spell.

Last one was Linda. Lovely Linda.

- Died of a broken heart. - Congenital heart failure.

- That's the same thing. - Billie Jean King's still alive.

- She's 80. - Ah. A bit of good news.

Can we, er, get rid of the board of death now?

It's depressing the regulars.

Barry, we are the regulars.

I want to turn it back into a cocktail board

so that I can serve exotic drinks from around the world,

like, er, gin and tonic, vodka and tonic...

- ...rum and tonic. - Drink up, Rog.

You're two pints behind.

- I'll go at my own pace, thank you. - Gin and... lemonade.

Well, pick up the pace tomorrow night, because...

Rum and lemonade.

...I have fixed it for you to come with me to parents'--

- No! No, Mammoth! - Oh, really?

Oh. Poor thing.

Do not write his name on there.

Gin and water.

Vodka and water.

- Rum and water. - All right, Barry.

Tomorrow, then, eh? Me and you?

- Like old times. - I don't even work there any more.

- Haven't for 20 years. - Don't worry about it!

- I'll get you in. - It's not a nightclub, Mammoth.

You've changed. Do you know that? You got really boring.

No. I've just got old.

Barry's old. He's not boring, though, is he?

I could rebrand the old place.

I'll call it Barry's Cocktail Bar...

...and Pub.

See? He's still got a dream. He hasn't given up.

Where's the Roger who could drink a pint in five seconds?

- Where's five-second Roger? - Long gone, Mammoth.

In fact, I'm five-minute Roger these days,

because that's how long it takes me to have a piss.

I'm going home.

I'm tired, and I want to have a nap for an hour,

because it's bingo night.

I love bingo.

So thoughtless.

Bingo. What a load of balls.

- A lot of people like it, Mammoth. - No.

Barry, I'm saying bingo-- what a load of balls.

But a lot of people do like it.

Thoughtless. Me.

Can you believe Roger called me that?

I don't know who Roger is.

Play to the horn!

Bugger. Do me a favour. Go back to my desk.

Get my tobacco. There's a good lad. Come on.

Penalty. Wait for me.

Oh, bollocks.

Oh, bugger.

Aah!

It's okay, boys. It's not dented.

I mean, you're all right, though. It's nothing bad, is it?

- You hit me with a car. - Clipped you with a car.

Should've been using the Green Cross Code.

I wasn't expecting a lot of traffic on the school football pitch.

Too busy looking at your bloody cordless phone.

A phone should not be on a football pitch.

Neither should a car.

All right. Hands up. I'm not entirely blameless.

But keep this our little secret, okay?

- I think it's broken. - Can you wiggle it?

Your phone? Is that all you're worried about?

- It's new. - I'll buy you another phone.

On one condition: Do not tell your mother about this.

I cannot lose my job-- not this close to parents' evening.

Right. And what will I say when my mum asks what happened?

Tell her a kid kicked you.

Pick any kid you like. I'll back you up.

No.

A member of staff, then. What about Mr Evans?

The one that thinks he's funny.

Tell your ma you bent down,

he pinched your bum, and you fell over.

Just make up any lie and I'll buy you a new phone.

Deal?

Saint-Emilion. Very nice.

- Thank you. - Thought I'd say sorry for before.

Subconsciously, maybe I still blame you for not finding me in the snow.

Mammoth, I dug and dug and dug in that snow for six days and nights!

Not even a week.

Still, it's not about blame.

You're my oldest friend-- literally.

need to start treating you better.

- Really? - I know you can't come tonight,

but I thought

a couple of pre-parents' evening liveners, like we used to.

There you are.

Hey, don't be shy. Don't be shy. Don't be shy.

Come on. There we are.

Nice.

Do you know what? Do that first.

There we go.

Yeah.

There we go. There's a good lad.

Ahh.

Listen. Before you have that,

er, would you mind... dropping me into the do?

I would drive myself, but I've already had two glasses of wine,

and I don't drink and drive.

- It's not fashionable these days. - I see.

And I suppose you want me to pick you up later.

That's very kind of you. Yeah. Cheers, Rog.

Mm.

Right. Let's go.

It's showtime.

♪ She's crazy like a fool.

♪ Wild about Daddy Cool.

♪ I'm crazy like a fool.

♪ Wild about Daddy Cool.

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool.

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool.

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool.

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool.

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool.

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool. ♪

Oh. Cutting it a bit fine, Carl.

Someone slashed my tyres.

The bastards. That's awful.

Good luck, everyone.

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool. ♪

Yeah. El Mocambo club, Toronto, 1977.

Surprise gig.

Got to hang out with, er, Mick and Keith afterwards.

- You a Stones fan? - Yeah.

Er, so I know Tom fell behind last year--

Yeah, yeah. They're good guys. Got all of their stuff on vinyl.

Maybe call over one night Tom's dad's got him for the weekend.

- Pina colada? - Erm...

- Erm... - Sorry to interrupt, Mrs Taylor.

I just need to speak to Mr Mammoth.

Excuse me.

- What the hell are you doing? - I was in there.

- You can't hit on all the mums. - I'm not. Just the single ones.

Trying to pick up women on parents' evening?

Do you know how inappropriate that is?

It's very appropriate. Mum gets me.

The kid gets a positive father figure.

I'm fit. I'm active. Got a good job.

I can even take them to school every day.

- Everyone's a winner. - No, Mammoth.

Don't do it again.

Do you understand?

Jason's told me all about his fun new PE teacher.

My reputation precedes me, Mrs...

- Miss Mason. - "Miss"?

Interesting.

He does sometimes make stuff up, though.

He said you let him drive your car round the field.

What an imagination.

No. He's a-- He's a good lad, Miss Mason.

Just lacking a strong male role model.

Yeah. Well, there's not many of them round here.

Sometimes they can be right under your nose, can't they?

Here's 10p, Jason. Get yourself a Marathon from the tuck shop.

Give it back, please.

Next.

So there I was, nine strikes in a row.

In the next lane: Mr Roger Moore, 007.

Couldn't believe his eyes. Lovely fella, by the way.

Owner came over and said, "Excuse me.

You need to wear proper bowling shoes."

I said, "My friend, these are proper bowling shoes.

These are Italian handmade snakeskin leather bowling shoes."

Excuse me. Er, Mr Mammoth.

Guess who's in the other lane.

Billie Jean King. Next!

You'd be willing to do that?

Come round and give him home tutoring?

Anything to get him through his O-levels.

What's an O-level?

Sorry. I couldn't get parked. What did I miss?

Nothing. We're done.

They're my own teeth.

I struggle to get shirts to fit on the sleeves.

What are your thoughts on Brut 33?

Pina colada?

I can do this one.

I can do that one.

I can do both.

- Next. - Next.

Next!

- Poor you. - Mum, can we go?

Dean, I'm having an interesting chat with Mr Mammoth.

Shut up, Dean.

Nights are the worst, you know. The darkness.

Reminds me of being under the snow, on my own.

It will get easier, believe me.

I know all about lonely nights since Dean's, erm, dad left.

Needs his head seen to, walking out on you.

Do you fancy getting a drink after this?

I could drop Dean off at my mum's,

and, er, you could meet me after you finish.

No need. I have finished. I'll come with you right now.

Erm, my mate Roger can pick us up. Just give me two minutes.

Er, sorry, everyone. I've got to leave.

Er, good kid. Tall kid. Nice kid.

Not all there. Surprisingly sporty.

Okay. Let's...

You ran over my son.

No, no. Let's not do this now. Let's talk about this tomorrow.

No. No, no. We can't talk about this tomorrow.

- 'Cos you ran over my son. - You ran over her son?

I didn't run him over. I just clipped him.

And the car is absolutely fine.

Brilliant!

Oh, thanks very much. Yeah.

And we had a deal, Theo. I'll have that phone back, please.

Get away from him.

Did you think you could buy my son's silence?

For £700, yes.

Well, you can't, because Theo tells me everything.

Everything! We're like-- We're like best friends.

- Mum, calm down. - I am very calm.

Are you staring at...

No, no, no. Where'd you get that necklace from?

Not that it's any of your business, but it was my mum's.

Always wear this to remember me.

You're not funny.

No. And I will need that back. That's my lucky necklace.

Okay. Watch me.

Linda Shaw?

Yeah. How did you know--

That's my lucky necklace. Leo Sayer gave me that.

I gave that to Linda Shaw, New Year's Eve 1979.

Well, you can't have, 'cos my dad gave it to her the day he died.

- No, he didn't die. - What?

- Everything okay here? - Oh, yeah. Great.

Mr Mammoth ran over my son, and now he's calling my dead mum a liar.

If you don't sack him, I will be suing the school.

Great. Carry on.

What...

You're not gonna get me sacked.

Oh, really? And why is that?

'Cos I'm pretty sure... I'm your dad.

No. You can't be.

Don't even know your name.

It's Melanie.

Well, Mel... we've got a lot of catching up to do.

But right now, I really need that lucky necklace back,

because I'm dying on my arse over there.

♪ Aw, freak out!

♪ Le freak, c'est chic.

♪ Freak out!

♪ Aw, freak out!

♪ Le freak, c'est chic.

♪ Freak out!

♪ Aw, freak out!

♪ Aw, freak out!

♪ Le freak, c'est chic.

♪ Freak out!

♪ Aw, freak out!

♪ Le freak, c'est chic.

♪ Freak out!

♪ Aw, freak out!

♪ Le freak, c'est chic.

♪ Freak out! ♪