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♪ "Gasolina" by Daddy Yankee ♪

Lou, open the door.

Lou, Lou, come on.

We are not going to let you stay in there all night.

No, Lou.

I didn't just wake up and decide to call off

our wedding.

I've known for like a long time.

You know, and I think you did,

too, probably, in your own way.

Come on, Lou.

I'm sick of her bullshit.

It's so tired.

No, Lou.

I didn't just wake up

and decide to call off our wedding.

I've known for, like, a long time.

You know, and I think you did, too, probably in your own way.

But I guess courage has never really been your thang.

Lou. No, Lou.

I have known for, like, a long time.

You know, and I think you did.

Just a minute. No, Lou.

Kevin, the stripper, is ready to strip

right now. Gus already Venmoed him.

I could send you guys half the money back and bounce?

No, no, no, no, don't worry. Don't worry.

- Sure, she'll come around. - Dude, it's my bachelorette.

My fiancé left me.

I know, I know.

And I love you. I really do.

Oh, don't say but.

But Graham was a C minus little bitch.

You know what Gus and I called him? Gus.

What do you call him?

Toaster Waffle.

Yeah, we called him a fucking Toaster Waffle.

I don't get it.

It's like the last breakfast option.

Edible cardboard.

Well, I like toaster waffles.

It's because you're too much of

a pussy to eat a real waffle.

Get your fucking metaphors right, dude.

That doesn't even make any sense.

Fuck your metaphor.

It's my bachelorette party. - Bachelorette party, I know.

But don't you think that shattered

psyche might- maybe trump tired

fucking wedding cliche? I don't know, Lou.

I'm just trying to have this man

rub his rock-hard body all over me,

you sad, pathetic, selfish-

Tildy.

I'm sorry about last night.

You want my burrito?

Do you really think taunting me is the mood this morning?

No, dude, I'm like...

I'm totally not taunting you.

This is an olive branch for

hijacking the festivities last night.

Jeff isn't going to want to fuck you any

less if you just have one bite of burrito.

Jeff will want to fuck me no matter what.

The goal is to get everyone at

the wedding to want to fuck me.

We have very different goals.

Lou,

have you ever thought

this could end up being a good thing?

Like, I don't know, a fresh start?

You can get out of your head for once?

Come on.

What about the book you've been writing for six years.

Finish that. - My book is dead.

Okay, look, the point is, if there

was ever an opportunity to take

a chance, stop hedging, jump without a parachute.

You're suggesting I kill myself.

I think that's a fantastic idea.

Did you not just say you were done hijacking?

Yeah.

Give me a bite of that.

I hate you for making me eat this.

You're welcome. It's delicious.

It's not as good as you said.

No, it's not.

- Yes, it is. - No, it's fucking not.

It's bull** and it's disgusting.

You know everything.

All right, girly pop.

One week countdown.

We've got the final fitting,

Tuesday at ten,

Wednesday at two

We have mani-pedis.

And then Thursday, I'm going to need you at the

hotel to do these fancy little welcome bag things.

Also, look, I know the timing is weird.

I know things aren't great,

but I have a kinda massive favor to ask.

Anything. Tell me.

Help me write my vows?

No, I know I tried to write them myself,

but they were just so bad because

I'm not a writer, but you are.

You're the best writer I know, and I

just really fucking need your help, Lou.

I mean, I -

I just think that, like, I'm not,

in the right headspace.

You're my fucking maid of honor, Louisa.

Please.

♪ "Sea of Love" by Cat Power ♪

♪ Come with me, my love, ♪

♪ to the sea, the sea of love.♪

♪ I want to tell you ♪

♪ how much-♪

You are my favorite person to cook with,

to laugh with, to kiss on the neck when you're not looking.

You are my favorite person, period.

And I promise to love you every day

for the rest of my life.

- I love you so much. - I love you.

Thank you, Greg.

Jeff.

Gorgeous, sweet, kind, brilliant Jeffrey.

I'm not a scientist,

but at some point in the last 30-ish

years, I noticed that the body has a lot of duplicate parts.

Eyes, lungs, these old things.

Which is great.

Something breaks, you got a spare.

But I never understood why with a lot of the

body's key parts, nature decided one is enough.

One heart, one brain, one mouth.

And then, Smurf

I met you, and I realized I do have two of everything.

When my heart aches, it's yours that heals me.

When I'm too tired to think

straight, I trust you to guide me.

When I can't find my voice, I know

yours will tell the world that I exist.

Though, please don't let it sing for me.

And even in the moments when we

disagree, when we're not in unison,

I know that we are so much stronger and wiser and

more expansive together than we could ever be apart.

We make each other whole.

I love you with everything that we are.

♪ "Lady Luck" by Richard Swift ♪

The vows, Lou, honestly incredible.

Well, shut up. You know they were.

At least someone got to use them.

I need to tell you something.

You promise not to judge me?

Short term, no. Long term, we'll see.

I just always thought that I'd be married by 30.

- I guess I wanted to be. - Ew, why?

I know. It doesn't make any sense.

Woo! Yeah, Tilly!

I wasn't ready for the dip.

- She looks beautiful. - She does.

Okay, look, do you think she'll notice if I dip out.

Wow, he...

- Is hot. - Yeah.

- You wouldn't leave for that? - I don't know.

I mean, that smile, that personality.

Yeah, that's borderline homophobic.

- My God, fuck you. - Fuck you.

What?

All right, what about him?

He's been staring at you since we sat down.

- Tilda's cousin? - What?

Yeah, he's staring at you, not me.

What?

Yeah, he's totally staring at you.

- He's staring at you. - Yes, he is.

No.

No, he's like, he's like kinda goofy.

No, he's giving fuck boy vibes for sure.

Dude, you gotta hit that.

I mean, you'll regret it less than the Phoenix tattoo.

Oh, see, that I don't agree with.

- Hi, Lou? - Hi, yeah.

Cassie. We met at Tilda's shower.

- Oh, yeah. - Can I steal you for a sec?

They were amazing. Absolutely destroyed me.

That was so weird.

Oh, hey, Lou.

This is Dash.

Sup?

Hi, Dash.

What was weird?

Yeah.

Huh?

You sat down and said, "That was weird."

So I'm just trying to...

Oh, I don't know.

Come on, bro. You got to tell us.

Yeah, come on, bro. You got to tell us.

Mmm

Okay, well, that woman somehow

found out that I wrote Tilda's vows

Hold on, hold on. You did that? You did?

- Yeah. - That was fire.

Like, beautiful, romantic, electric.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

- Thank you, Dash. - Don't thank me.

Thank the universe for the gift.

It's incredible. I mean, she's also an amazing YA author.

No, no, no. Okay, so the woman, Cassie.

I guess that she wants me to write her vows?

Shit.

You keep complimenting her. I have to go.

Where are you going?

I just have to meet with somebody really great.

Oh my God. Right--

- You're welcome. Bye, Dash. - Bye.

I'm just gonna, you know so we...

I'm just trying to...

Ok, so, how much she want to pay?

No, no, I said no.

No why?

Because I don't know her, Dash.

So what? You think Tilda knows the chick that did her hair?

Paula?

Yeah, no, she's good friends with Paula.

Okay, but you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, I just think that hair versus vows-

You know what do they say?

Love is universal.

You can make a lot of money, Lou. Like, mad racks.

The wedding business is like a billion dollar industry.

People just light money on fire.

The flowers, these linens, the

DJ, the venue, the dress, the bar.

You know, this stupid ass, fat ass

invitations that nobody really opens.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Okay, okay, so hypothetically, how

much would I ask her to pay me?

Well, ask how much she paid for the cake.

And then say to her, you're

giving her the speech that her man

is going to remember forever,

and then ask for twice as much.

And that's still a discount.

You know what?

Fuck it. World's burning anyway.

Right.

Yup, it's a little dark, but, yup, it is.

She said yes.

♪ "Red Wine Supernova" by Chappell Roan ♪

Mexican lime has, like, this Mexico voice,

and spicy barbecue is for the Southern.

But how do we develop the overarching

big crunch potato chip brand identity?

How about an AI tie-in?

What does that mean, though?

Okay, here's a good idea by me.

What if it was like a ch-aby.

A ch-aby? Did you say that?

Yeah, you know, like a chip baby,

a baby who loves chips.

Like, waaa, gimme all the chips.

Lou, any pitches?

Okay, what about like a chip unicorn?

Uh huh.

Yeah, it's like, ironic cute, but it's also cute-cute.

Kinda like potato chips by way of-

Like Lisa Frank, you know? Fun, sparkly, nice.

I mean

that's obviously what I meant for the ch-aby.

Okay, I'm loving this.

We just need to make sure it's

authentic to our target demographic.

Oh, what if the ch-aby was riding a unicorn?

Hello, potential scam?

Hi, Lou?

My name is Rebecca.

You're writing vows for my friend, Cassie?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm getting married on November 1st,

and I desperately need help with my vows.

Can we meet? Is that okay?

Jesus, Lou, that's some to-do list.

That's crazy. And it's pathetic

Do you really think that's appropriate for

a work call? - Rebecca, can I call you back?

Sorry. Inside joke.

No, you're muted.

Sorry.

Inside joke.

Yeah, it is.

- True-crime podcast. - Classic

I wasn't even like a podcasting person, but

like she got me into it.

My best friend had a really great

wedding and her vows made everyone cry...

Of course, tears are a must.

♪ "A Love of My Own" by Carla Thomas ♪

and then I'll mention, Ann Arbor, Fresno...

...I'm like, I'm tired, I don't really feel like it

♪ "A Love of My Own" by Carla Thomas ♪

...like she is my sun but don't say...

...she likes philosophy and shit, and that's cool

you know so anything you could add in there...

...what if it was all from our cat's perspective?

...she is such a solid rock of a human being

♪ "A Love of My Own" by Carla Thomas ♪

...somehow our love feels

our love feels

- unpredicatable. - unpredicatable.

- and inevitable - and inevitable

- at the same time. - at the same time.

♪ "A Love of My Own" by Carla Thomas ♪

Until you, you made me believe

in something outside of myself.

You gave my life meaning.

♪ "A Love of My Own" by Carla Thomas ♪

Let's make sure the

dessert really compliments the cake...

the cake, but, doesn't, you know, step on it.

Oh, yeah, I love that.

Yeah, and we'll catch it next week.

Sounds great.

Yeah. Amazing.

Lou?

Hi, Olivia, right?

So good to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

- Is this your restaurant? - God, I wish.

No, my friend, Britta is doing our wedding food.

- It's hers. - That's amazing.

It's so hard to get a reservation here.

Oh, just text me. I'll get you in anytime.

Okay.

I'm just better at expressing myself visually. You know?

Thank you so much. And these vows are just so important.

So when Rebecca told me about you

it felt like such a godsend.

So what is your timeline?

Yes. The wedding is November 8th.

I just felt like a summer wedding.

It's so on the nose you know?

Seven weeks isn't too early to start, right?

No, no.

An early start is great.

I wrote a guy's vows last week,

an hour before his ceremony.

You're incredible.

And you're this vow expert without even being married?

Aaah! I...

You don't have to answer that. I'm sorry.

That was... - It's okay. It's okay.

No, it's okay.

I am so basic compared to you.

I've been dreaming about my wedding since I was five.

Well, tell me, who are you marrying?

Ooh, Mmm...

How do you summarize the person

you want to spend your life with?

Actually, you know what?

We're hosting this dinner on Thursday night for this olive

oil that I'm launching. Why don't you come?

You know, see us in action?

I feel that will feel so much more natural.

I mean, if he's there, are you okay with him knowing

that we're doing this together?

Well, no.

Uh... no

It should definitely stay between us.

You know, he won't know

There'll be a ton of people there.

Please.

Umm, since when do you shoot lefty?

- Oh, shut up. - Hey.

Oh, my God. Warren?

- Hi. - Hi.

- Klaus! - Oh, my gosh.

This is like, no one's called me...

- ... Klaus. Yeah. - thought that was you inside.

- Yes! - Yes!

No one's called me that since

- you and Northwestern. - Me.

- Crazy. - Yeah.

You look great.

Thank you.

So do you. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

I'm eating olives.

Yeah, you are in the right place for it.

- Yeah, they're briny. - Got you.

- Do you want some? - Obviously.

Yeah. No, go ahead.

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

Don't you live in San Francisco?

I actually moved 10 months ago.

- Oh, my God. - Sorry.

I meant to call, but...

- No, it's fine. - I'm a jerk.

Yeah, sorry.

I never know what to do with the pit, so...

Warren.

You just...

That was in my mouth.

Oh my God.

- Yeah. - Disgusting.

- Hi. - Not... right now.

- Hey. - Hey.

Wow, I see you've, um...

Warren, this is my friend Lou.

Oh, you mean my friend Klaus from Northwestern?

- No. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - No.

- Yeah. - Wow.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

We used to make playlists for each other.

That is wild. Wow.

I don't get it, though.

What's, what's a, Klaus?

Oh, it's her last name, Klausner.

Yes.

- Sorry, is it still Klausner? - Yeah, it's still Klausner.

Yeah, no.

Um, so, you two,

- this must be new. - Pilates.

Pilates! You do pilates.

I contain multitudes.

You guys are getting married, right? At the Art Institute?

- In November? - November.

That's the plan.

Agh!

You know, and Whit, and Leslie,

and, um, Michael, our fabulous olive producer.

Um... what do I even say?

Gosh, I'm just really not good at

speeches, so it's not my strong suit.

But Michael, he is five stars.

Okay, clink.

Well, don't freak out.

But I kinda run their Instagram.

Whoa, you run the Big Crunch Instagram.

I know. I know. I know.

Iconic. Congratulations.

Thank you. You obviously don't work in marketing.

No, I am still a public defender.

Still reading SCOTUS blog for fun.

War? Can I borrow you?

Yeah.

Salim, you finally get to meet my fiancé.

Hey, can we hang?

Just, uh, have lunch? Catch up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I'd totally fuck with an eat and catch.

Sounds great.

Fuck with an eat and catch. Is that what they say?

That's what they say, yeah.

All right, you're going to have to teach me.

Okay. Okay.

Does she know how obsessed

you were with him?

The Sexy Presidents party?

Why would she know about that?

Cuz that's the night that Warren and Amanda hooked

up sophomore year and sent you into a spiral.

It wasn't a spiral, and it was 10 years ago.

You okay?

A decade, if anybody's counting.

And I'm guessing he doesn't know about the vows.

He thinks that we do pilates together.

Oh my God, shut up. I can pull some fucking ropes.

Pilates is so much more than ropes.

Twelve out of ten. Brilliant idea. No notes.

Anyway, I found her.

She is a hottie with a body.

Honestly, good for Warren.

- She's bougie. - Stop.

She probably doesn't even play tennis.

No, definitely not. Walk us through the

logic of why you're doing this to yourself.

Okay, you guys know how many

deposits I lost on my failed wedding?

I made more money in the past two months

than I have in my whole bullshit career.

So...

Not for nothing, but, you know, real

people actually like my writing.

Damn.

Oh, Warren's still hot.

Yeah, I mean, still unavailable,

but still very hot.

You know who else is hot?

My cousin Dash.

Oh, please. We saw you on that dance floor.

He says he texted you and you never responded.

Dude, your cousin's like, kind of a fuck boy.

And you kinda wanna get fucked,

so what's the big deal?

Says the boy who literally hunts

out fuck boys every night on Tinder.

Okay, you know the guy from the

wedding that I hooked up with?

- Remember him? - Yes, smile boy?

Yeah, we've been hanging out like a bunch, and he has-

Wait. A bunch like a bunch of grapes because that's a lot.

That's not usually your vibe.

Can we just focus on Lou, please?

Don't focus on me. There's nothing to focus on.

I'm not going to ruin their engagement, okay?

I literally know what that feels like.

You really have to stop moving or

I'm going to fuck up your tattoo.

- You got it. - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Dorsiflex your feet.

Yeah.

Fuck, I think I'm going to have a hernia in my asshole.

UGH!

Oh!

- You okay? - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, dude, it is for sure the good sore.

Honestly, I still can't get over you and Warren.

Were you around for the Amanda years?

Do you mean sorority abyss?

Yeah, I mean he used to drink vodka Crystal Light.

I've obviously stalked her. I don't know.

She just- she seems so...

Boring, annoying, devoid of any personal style?

All of those things. All of them.

Yeah. All right.

What other college goss do you have for me?

Oh, God.

He never used to wash his jeans.

Yikes.

He was obsessed with this Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song.

Yeah, and then he

basically lived off of supermarket donuts.

Right. His taste.

That is...

Yeah, that's something we're still working on.

Yeah. Not a donut girl?

From the grocery store? No.

Yeah. I mean, the whole public defender thing, right?

Yeah. Yeah?

I don't know. When it's just like, violent

crime, you know, and olive oil. It's...

And also, if I'm being an asshole and prying-

No, no, you're right.

I don't love his job.

Yeah, it's so sad

and frustrating, bureaucratic.

It's just his heart.

That's why I fell in love with him. It's...

How do I even say it? It's boundless.

Yes, boundless.

This is why I need your help.

♪ "Can't Do Without You" by Caribou ♪

♪ "Just Walkin' in the Rain" by The Prisonaires ♪

It's just a right on Washington.

Yeah, okay.

You really didn't have to.

Oh, yeah, no, it's like no problem. Fuck.

Blind spot. I'm sorry.

- No, it's okay. - I'm sorry.

- Sorry. - I can do it.

No, it's fine. This is all good.

- Great. - Yeah, this is good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

Still an expert driver.

Okay, respectfully, suck a dick.

- Yeah, Jacques Torres. - Oh, yes.

You writing anything new?

I mean, there's like a YA novel.

Somewhere in a folder on my desktop

that no one wanted to publish.

Idiots and assholes.

- Yeah, exactly. - Yeah.

Okay, Come on, justice system.

Oh, okay. Let's go.

Homicide, double hom- triple homicide.

- I want details. - Really?

I mean, wait, it's not going to

make you squeamish or anything?

Warren, I spent years falling asleep to SVU

like plenty of healthy young American women.

Olivia not a very big fan of crime scenes?

She worries about how the job

is going to affect me long term.

Want to go defend some rich, white-collar fucks?

Yeah, I just think that real

money would be nice at some point.

You know, and relationships are about compromise.

You like what you do, though, right?

Oh, no, I love it.

How many people can say that?

Yeah.

Okay, do you remember Tilda?

- Are you kidding? - She teaches preschool.

- What? - No, the kids have no idea...

Yeah, there you go. There she is.

Yeah, the woman of the hour.

What the fuck?

I'm not a pervert.

- Wow. - Oh, I did not go to

any of those classes.

♪ "Love is Everywhere " by Wilco ♪

You and Olivia, what do you talk about?

Oh.

God, I don't know.

Like work stuff?

Pilates stuff.

Why?

I don't know.

She just doesn't seem like...

What?

Like my type?

Yes. Yeah.

I could probably say the same thing about you.

What do you mean?

Although you did date Amanda.

Okay.

So clearly, I don't actually know your type.

Amanda was a mistake.

- Warren, a two-year mistake. - Yeah.

But, umm, you know, Livy, look, I know

she's not the most down-to-earth person, but

she's a- I don't know.

Warm.

Not to get too cheesy, but, you know, she has grace.

And, I love the way she makes people feel.

She makes everyone feel happy and connected.

My life is a thousand times more joyful because of her.

So.

Wow.

Yeah.

She's also kinda gorgeous.

She's also gorgeous.

Lucked out.

What about you?

We've had like six meals today, and you haven't

said a thing about any kind of romance or...

Ummm.

Well, I was engaged.

Oh.

Yeah.

And now I'm not anymore.

Klaus, I'm -

That - that sucks.

Idiots and assholes, right?

It's standing up here with you, surrounded

by everyone we love, who loves our love.

It is the most electric moment of my life.

It makes me understand tradition and consistency.

God, I feel so much gratitude.

I can't even think about it.

It will make me want to start looking.

all over the place.

You know, I got a little worried.

You got abducted by aliens or some shit.

Yeah, sorry.

I've been super busy.

Understood.

Well, I mean, did things go good with

the girl from Tilda's?

Yeah. Yeah, honestly, it went, like, great.

I've been writing vows for a bunch of people.

It's kinda crazy that weddings are so word of mouth.

So my half of the cash?

I'm just saying if I hadn't

convinced you to do the first vows,

You know, we started this business together.

Yeah, umm.

Bro, I'm just fucking with you. Yo, relax.

Damn, your eyes getting watery and shit.

I'm not going to take your money.

I'm like, what's going on?

I don't know. I don't think we

really know each other like that.

We know each other.

Okay.

Cuervo. Okay.

- All right. - Okay, the game is called...

How are you feeling?

Bad Vows.

I've been collecting a bunch of them

because you learn just as much from bad

writing as you do from good writing.

It's like relationships.

Yeah. Okay.

I'm going to read the vows to you and ask you some

questions, and if you get them right, I drink.

If you get them wrong, you drink,

and then we just go back and forth.

Bro, I'm about to fuck you up.

No, I don't mean like that.

That kinda came out kinda crazy, right?

- Yeah, a little bit. - No, I don't...

- Okay. - All right, come on.

Let's do it. I'm ready.

Eric, you are my rock, but not just any rock,

a mountain, but not just any mountain.

God damn.

First question is, does she compare him to A, the Alps,

B, Mount Rushmore, or C, Everest?

No, that got to be Everest.

What are you talking about?

It's the only mountain that matters.

- I'm sorry. - No, you're playing.

- What do you mean no? - It's Mount Rushmore.

- Mount Rushmore? - Yeah.

Nobody would say that. Give me that. Hell no.

- Read it and weep. - Let me see that.

Hold on, wait.

She said, "The vision

of Washington, the genius of Jefferson,

Roosevelt's big stick."

Damn.

I promise to feed you when we're

old and our teeth are falling out.

Who's he mention more than his fiancé? His mom?

- Stop. - Come on.

You put it right there. You put that in this room.

- This is absolutely gross. - No, go.

Did he propose

at Dave & Busters or at the Anne Frank House?

What is he talking about when

he says, stank on his hang down?

Shut. No, it's not.

- You made that up. - That's really nice, right?

- Agape love? - Agape.

- It's like... - What is that?

- Agape. - Like agave?

- Like agave? - No.

It's like this kinda love.

It's like the biggest kinda love you can experience.

Like, imagine.

Can you feel it?

It's like the biggest...

The biggest kinda love.

You could feel.

♪ "My Lady's On Fire" by Ty Segall ♪

Oh, my god, my head!

Hey, sorry.

Sorry, did I wake you?

Yeah, a little bit, but it's all good.

You put me to sleep last night, girl.

Yeah.

That was crazy.

Hey, you want to get some food or something?

Umm, you know, I got to... I kinda gotta work.

It's 6 - 6:30.

I know. It's this fucking client in Europe.

- She's intense. - Intense?

Oh, well.

Rise and grind. I dig it.

Umm, listen.

- Last night was like- - Decadent,

mystical, increíble.

But I'm not the writer.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, like all those things.

Umm...

But I, like,...

I can't right now.

You know, I just got out of an engagement,

and I don't think that I, like,

really know what's going on in my head.

Umm...

Okay.

Yeah, so maybe if we could just do a

no-strings-attached kinda thing, maybe.

Yeah, of course. It should be no strings.

It's pure air, baby. You know what I'm saying?

It's all right. It's all right.

What about like, Geritan?

Geritan?

I don't know. Come on, you guys.

I pay you to do this. Names, let's go.

Stella, the unicorn.

That's my grandma's name.

What about Dave, the unicorn?

Come on.

What about Bush? No.

Okay. New thing.

What about a chip who's taken a vow

of silence, we call it a chip monk.

It's a unicorn.

What if it's called Chunk?

I can't tell if you're joking right now. Chunk?

Like, Chunk, the unicorn?

Yeah, because he eats so many chips.

Body shaming. Client will love that.

I mean, all the data about Gen Alpha

is that they're so fucking sensitive.

Yeah, I feel like Gen Alpha, though,

they're really easy to manipulate,

which the client does actually really love.

Aren't you Gen Alpha? I'm Gen Z.

Can't you tell by my work ethic?

Lou, we haven't heard from you.

Can I get you on camera?

Yeah. I mean, I'm kinda eating lunch right now.

Is it necessary?

Yeah, well, I need to see your face.

It's easier to iterate.

Hi. Yeah. Umm...

What about Corny the unicorn?

Just lean into the whole.

Lean into the what?

Wow. Thanks, Genji. That's...

Shit. I accidentally... it was supposed to be in an email.

Genji, weren't you just talking about body shaming?

- Oh, we did it again. - Fuck.

That wasn't about you, Lou.

That was not about you.

That was about my mom.

Genji, one on one after this.

So, you hung out with Dash?

Yeah, yeah we hung out.

Hung out? How?

Do you want to tell her that I fucked her cousin?

I fucked your cousin.

Dude, that's fire.

You're going to fuck him again?

I don't know. Maybe.

You're going to fuck Smileboy again?

Steven?

Actually, yeah, I am.

- Deedeedeedee, Steven? - Deedee, what is that?

What is your face?

I don't know. The last time you told us

the name of someone you were hooking up

with was literally pre-pandemic.

Well, it's a thing now.

Dude, this is bigger than Scandoval.

When can we meet this man?

Decade, maybe more if you keep acting like this.

Wait, so you're saying you can see

yourself with him for a decade?

Oh my God. All right, I don't know.

Tilds, okay? I don't know.

And besides, you're like, what?

You've been married for two days,

three days, and you're already trying

to live vicariously through me.

This would make me vicarious if I

was literally 22, snorting molly

- off an uncut dick in Cancun. - Oh my God.

But I will say, I like this settled down

shit way more than I thought I would.

I don't have to do my hair to get

someone to want to have sex with me.

I don't have to hold my farts

in, like, the whole thing is dope.

- Sounds like it. - Suck a dick.

- What? - Sorry.

No, it's just Olivia.

Don't look me like that. I can feel it.

I'm not looking you like anything.

I can feel it. It's just a little bit of writer's block.

It's like not a big deal at all.

No, I didn't say a word.

It would be so much easier to write these vows if

it just made sense as to why they were together.

For sure. Like the way that you and Warren make sense.

Uh. A lot of artists get this shit tangled up.

Okay, Stevie Nicks?

Do not ever compare yourself to Stevie Nicks.

I'm comparing our burdens, which are similar.

You're hedging.

Tell her she's hedging

Does she know about the Sexy Presidents party yet?

Hey Tilda, if you keep mentioning

the Sexy Presidents party,

I'm gonna tell everyone about your bunions.

She's definitely hedging.

- Hedging. - You're hedging!

But Rebecca said that, you know, you've

already sent her a couple of drafts.

Yeah, I mean, her wedding's a little before yours.

By a week.

Exactly. And you know, the thing about

writing, Olivia, is really that each piece

is kinda birthed, like out of a different canal.

Look, I just I really want to make

sure because the wedding's in a month.

I know. Yes, ma'am.

I have it literally in my calendar with an alert.

So...

What was that?

Oh, it means, it's hard to explain in English.

Got it.

I think it might just be helpful if

you can give me some more details.

Okay. Umm...

What kind of details?

I mean, that's kinda up to you.

- What about your lunch? - What lunch?

Warren said you had lunch.

Oh.

You didn't get details from there?

Yeah, sure. I mean, I got details

about how much he loves you.

You know I'm also not writing his vows.

What if...

What if we go on a double date?

You're dating someone?

Just, like, it's kinda new.

But I feel like at the olive oil dinner, I didn't

really get the opportunity to see you two together.

And this might give me that chance to get all those

details, and so I can wrap this whole thing up.

- Let's do it. - Yeah, great.

Great. Double date. Great.

- Hi. - We're about to start.

Yes. Wonderful.

- You're not coming? - No, God, no.

Not in like a million years.

But you have fun.

Hi. We met, I don't know if you remember.

- I remember. - Great.

Yeah. Okay.

My mother spent a year in Scandinavia,

and that's why she named it Eske.

No, I'm okay, thanks.

Should I have ordered a white for you, or?

No, it's all good.

It's just the oak notes and all that shit is lost on me.

I just, I do a little mezcal on the rocks,

scotch on the rocks.

You know what I'm saying.

We could put some rocks in the wine.

That's funny.

Might be good. I like that.

- Where did you meet? - Oh, just a wedding.

- Okay. - Yeah, yeah.

Love in the air.

Oh...

Where was there love in the air?

Lou and Dash met at a wedding.

Yes.

I mean, we could have met at a gas station,

and there still would have been love in the air.

Oh, my God.

It was Tilda's wedding, Dash and Tilda, they're cousins.

- Tilda? - Yeah.

It's a wild gene pool, like, for real.

So you guys, how did you guys meet?

I don't think I've heard the story yet, right?

- Oh, yeah. Umm... - Please, baby.

No, you tell it, baby. Please.

Okay.

Yeah. All right.

It was three years ago. Wow.

I was living in SF.

Livy was up visiting friends,

walking out of her hotel one night.

Yeah, and I saw him in the lobby.

He was trying to retie this bow tie.

The bow tie?

Yeah, this was for a legal aid fundraiser thing.

Bro, I bet you look good in a tux, man.

He does. He really does.

For real, right? My man got the jawline going.

Right? The hair.

- Look at the middle part. - He does. You're right.

The middle part is going crazy.

- It's good. - That's so funny.

Anyway, so he was about to strangle himself.

And I've watched my dad tie a thousand bow

ties, so I helped and we started talking.

I was complaining about the food.

Yeah, you were.

And I asked if he'd ever had the chicken at Zuni.

- I had no idea what that was. - So cute.

What is that?

- Chicken at Zuni? - No.

It's a really famous chicken.

Oh, famous chicken?

- Oh. - Yeah.

Dope. Yeah, that's cool.

You know when you hear that voice in your head?

Like, this.

- Don't let this go. - Right.

So I canceled on my friends and we went and had chicken,

and we talked for, like,

- five hours. - Five hours.

- Long time. - Wow. That's...

I mean, there was a year of long distance after that.

Yeah, but it only made us stronger.

Totally, totally, yes.

It'd be crazy not to stress test

a relationship before marriage.

But in the end, you convinced me to move back.

I mean, whatever it takes for love.

Yeah.

- To love, come on. - Yes, 100%.

- Cheers. - To love.

To love.

Drink to that.

Yeah, I mean, so what's super sad is his brother.

The one he killed?

Yeah, it was my client's character

witness in the first parole hearing.

That's some biblical shit.

That's what I'm saying, yeah.

How did he do it?

It was... It's kinda like...

Oh, sorry, sorry. I know that you hate this stuff, right?

What? No, I don't hate it.

Oh.

What?

You kinda do.

We don't, we don't have to talk about this.

This is my fault.

We can just change the subject, okay?

Has Lou let you read any of her writing?

A little bit.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Pretty fantastic. Am I right?

- Wow, crazy. - Do you guys want dessert?

The budino sounded kinda dope

She's always been bad at taking compliments.

No, I'm not.

It's just that I mostly write internet trash, so...

Wait, what do you mean mostly?

I'd get the budino.

So you are writing something?

Or even the gelato.

No, I can't talk about it.

I mean, is it another YA thing or-

It's like a ghost writing situation.

Okay.

Wow. Congrats. When do we get to know what it is?

Oh, my God, like.

40 or 50 years. I don't know.

It's like a fucking fucking Warren Report thing.

Like the Kennedy assassination Warren...

Yo, my man.

Thanks, bro.

Can we order- can we order some dessert, please?

Can we... budino, budino, budi- three budino, please.

And a gelato and an apple tart, because...

- You good? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm...

I think I just had way too much dessert.

It's my bad.

No, no. You were just...

You were just trying to help me out.

Well, by the way, I got you a little...

Sorry, Not Sorry.

Actually, Sorry. What?

When I looked at my skirt, I realized, oh my God,

a period was more than a punctuation mark.

Look, I'm just saying, if this shit is a YA best seller,

you can write a hit in your sleep.

Twilight 2.0, baby.

Thank you.

That's really- that's really sweet.

And thank you for coming tonight.

We got Pellies, Topos, Sanzis.

Sounds exotic.

What can I say? I like a good sparkling.

Thank you.

Does Tilda have a rich uncle or am I...?

I mean, my Pops does alright.

He has his own dry cleaning joint,

but I bought this place.

Fuck, I don't even know what you do for work.

Commercial real estate.

It's like offices, restaurants,

medical spaces.

My boy Arjun just hit me up about

200,000 square feet in retail in Miami.

Why do I look like I'm blowing your mind?

No, I just...

I didn't know.

You bought a house. I don't...

- Okay. - Yeah.

No one in our generation is buying houses, first of all.

Second of all, you didn't just buy a house.

bought like a really fucking nice house.

Thank you. Thank you.

- You know! - You're welcome.

You didn't think I was a serious person.

- No. - That's all right.

Okay, I do think you're a serious person.

It's just, like, your whole aesthetic. It's kinda...

Okay. The cologne, the lights in the car.

You like the lights in the car.

- What are you talking about? - It's a strip club car.

No.

I should've just stayed home and watched Vanderpump.

You got a problem with that, too?

No.

I feel like you got a problem with a few things tonight.

No, no, no on the contrary, I think it might be

the greatest artistic achievement

- of the 21st century. - Stop.

I don't believe you. You're trolling me. Stop.

I'm being completely serious right now.

Bro, seriously?

Yes, bro. Seriously.

Lala or Scheana?

Oh, for a million reasons,

- Scheana - Yes, that's my...

♪ "Stay High" by Childish Gambino & Brittany Howard ♪

Everyone has a hidden talent.

What's your hidden talent?

Get a bigger sign next time buddy. It's a little small.

No, I can't. It's fucking crazy.

After what you did to your friend. What you did to Ariana

It's not about the bon-bons.

♪ "Stay High" by Childish Gambino & Brittany Howard ♪

Huh!

Stop. Stop. Why would you do that?

I just told you I'm afraid of heights.

♪ "Stay High" by Childish Gambino & Brittany Howard ♪

- What? - What?

♪ "Stay High" by Childish Gambino & Brittany Howard ♪

Oh my God. Dash.

Dude, this burrito is like...

Like kinda amazing?

Oh, shit.

- Arjun, you dog. - What?

That Miami thing came through.

He needs me down there six months.

It's crazy.

Hey, that's great, isn't it? I mean, you know?

I was born in Taiwan, but my parents

moved to Houston when I was four.

Amazing. I've never been to Houston.

Or Taiwan. Wait, should we all go?

- Yes. - Yes.

- Yes. - Well, which one, though?

- I think both. - Okay.

Yeah, why not? We're doing it.

I told you that they'd be on one. I'm sorry.

Lou!

You want another coffee?

Yes, Jeffrey. Thank you.

And a new personality.

Steven, what do you do for work?

- I'm a landscape architect. - Amazing.

We've actually been talking about

redoing our yard, right, babe? Babe.

We live in a condo, though.

Well, we have a lot of fucking plants, so

I don't know what you're talking about.

Anyway, I can't wait to see your work.

I'm sure it's just amazing like you.

Do you know any other adjectives besides amazing?

Yeah, I do. Dickhole.

That's a noun.

I don't mind being told that I'm amazing.

- I know. - Just calm down.

Next time you come by the house, we can

show you what we started doing to the front.

Wait, what?

The house. Gus's house?

- Yeah. - Wait, wait, wait.

Did you two move in together?

You haven't told your best friends?

I didn't tell them because they're crazy.

Tell us what?

- They moved in together. - We're getting married.

Wait, what did he just say? What the fuck did he just say?

- We're getting married. - No, what?!

- Oh my God! - No!

Congratulations! Who proposed to who?

I did. And he said yes.

We're fucking getting married.

Holy fucking shit.

I didn't expect them to say that.

Welcome to the family.

Oh my God.

Gus, that's, that's, that's ...that's amazing.

- Yeah? - You just

popped the question?

- I just did it. - He's even hotter.

Yeah, he's very hot. I know.

- Oh, that could be cute. - With a corduroy?

How about a blue velvet?

I am actually happy for you.

- I can tell. - Thank you.

It's just been, like,

an insane last few months. I don't know.

Okay, but hasn't the wedding thing taken off?

I mean, aren't you the fucking Cyrano of Chicago now?

- Yeah. - And Dash?

I mean, he's sweet. He's really sweet.

And maybe some kinda genius.

It's just he's leaving for six months,

and I still have Graham's boxes

everywhere, and I'm writing fucking Warren's vows, like...

Dude, why are you still writing the vows?

You know how long I've been waiting for

someone to give a shit about my writing.

And they finally do.

And I'm not just going to quit over this, like...

I'm better at clearing dishes

than I am at picking out suits.

God, why can't I just have everything I want?

You know, like the fucking relationship and the

job and maybe a little bit of freedom from guilt.

Because you're not a straight white male.

Born before 1975.

I just thought it was an important distinction.

For sure.

♪ "Baby Baby" by The Shuffles Inc. ♪

♪ "Baby Baby" by The Shuffles Inc. ♪

Fuck!

So you've been googling me, too.

Calm down. I google a lot of things. Thank you.

Really? What's the last thing you googled?

Are you trying to data mine me?

I'll tell you my search history, if you tell me yours.

Okay, you first.

Let's go. Last three?

- Unedited, please. - Unedited.

Okay.

Resistance bands chest workout

Whatever, pilates.

Best parking United Center.

And how to fix a P-trap, you're up.

Okay!

Ummm...

Makeup remover, cheap, organic.

Okay, you are so editing.

I am so not editing.

Um... how many cups in a quart?

Four.

And is Ariana and Katie's sandwich shop still open?

Obviously.

Wait. Who's Ariana and Katie?

Warren.

VPR.

Vice President.

Vanderpump Rules?

I thought that we were friends. That's really...

- That's fucked. - I mean, we are.

We are. We are.

Which brings me to the reason I called.

What do you think about coming

to my bachelor party on Saturday?

What?

I don't... uhh, why?

Look, it's not going to be one of those.

It'll be fun. Educational.

I hate to say it, but I really don't think that

going to a strip club is totally educational for me.

I do have my own vagina.

Yeah, look, it's no strippers, I promise.

Just say you'll come, please.

Come on, Klaus. Come on, Klaus.

Fine. Okay.

- Yes. - What is it?

- Tell me. - Amazing.

I'll tell you on Saturday. Okay.

Got to go before you change your mind. Bye.

What the fuck?

Fuck.

This is all garbage.

Hell, yeah.

There we go.

Let's go! What's up, buddy? Come on, boy.

Come on, man.

- Lou, this is Teddy. - What's up?

- Hey. - What's up?

Remember Lou from school?

- Hey, how are you? - Good to see you.

How have you been?

By then, your tires should be nice

and baked and you can really punch it.

These cars can hit a top speed of 160 on the straightaways.

The helmets can absorb a thousand cubic pounds of

impact. The suits are fire retardant.

- In the event any - Oh, shit. I'm going full

fucking Lewis Hamilton on this shit.

Drive to survive?

- Drive to survive. - Drive to survive.

Drive to survive.

- Drive to survive. - Come on.

- Drive to survive. - Don't fight it.

Drive to survive!

♪ "Pomeranian Spinster" by Alvvays ♪

Klaus, you want to open it up a bit?

Oh, I think this is as wide as she goes. Yup.

What are you so afraid of?

Death, dismemberment, being engulfed in...

Did nobody read the waiver but me?

You're overthinking it.

I think you're underthinking it, Warren.

Okay, when you're writing, do you ever

get into that zone, that flow state?

I mean, I guess so.

It's like that. Don't think.

Just react.

Fuck it.

- Oh, my God. - Lou, you're doing it!

♪ "Pomeranian Spinster" by Alvvays ♪

Three times what she was doing before.

I drive faster in parking lots.

Bro, that's not cool.

I did it.

That was better, right?

Shit.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

- Oh my God. - I think so.

Oh my God. You were such a dork,

that you used to make us do the Settlers of Catan

tournaments on your birthday.

Settlers of Catan, best board game ever.

Yeah, if you're doing mushrooms like we were.

What?

Also, I thought you liked Settlers.

Wheat trading?

Harry Potter in the Quad?

Harry Potter's a masterpiece.

Dude, Harry Potter's canceled.

We're not going to talk about this, okay?

- Exactly. - No.

Well, it's safe to say that you

two are just big fucking nerds.

Oh, really? Oh, are we broing down right now?

- Let's bro down. - Fine, let's go, bros.

Whooaaa!

Thought there was a beer in there.

Where'd it go? Where'd it go?

Okay, okay, shut up. Get out.

Next round's on me.

Okay.

Okay, black car's gonna be here in...

- There you go. - So Lou, what do you think?

You want to roll to the strip club with us?

Roll to the strip?

Oh, no, I don't. I really don't.

- Strip to survive. - Strip to survive.

Strip to survive! Strip to survive!

Strip to survive!

Guys, guys, guys.

I don't want to go either.

Dude, Warren, it's your bachelor party.

Yeah, I...

Strippers make me sad.

No, dude, strippers make you happy.

Yeah, it's fun.

I've pre-paid for a champagne room.

I love you guys.

But just please, go without me.

All right, well, we about to have the breast time ever.

Was he hot at least?

You know, I wouldn't know.

Because when he came in, I hid myself in the bathroom.

Okay.

And I started fighting with him about

whether or not he was a feminist.

Wow.

I really missed you.

Is Olivia...

Is she enjoying Cabo?

Yeah, I think so.

Based on her Instagram.

Yeah.

What are you going to tell her about your eye?

The truth.

I was attacked.

- Viciously? Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, man...

You know...

What?

I was in love with you in college.

Ah, Warren.

You dated Amanda.

Yeah.

There was...

Remember that Sexy Presidents party?

You know, I was...

You were Nixon, I was Ford,

and Matt Bartok was rolling around in a wheelchair,

screaming, "I'm FDR."

- Yeah! - Yeah.

Yeah, and Amanda was Monica Lewinsky.

- Yes. - The white stain and all.

Yeah.

That was the night you guys-

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Because I was messed up over you.

You don't remember?

I leaned in to kiss you, and then you

made up some excuse to go to the bathroom

and peaced out.

♪ "Can't Do Without You" by Caribou ♪

We're dancing. Now. Come on.

No, it's a fear, a fear of embarrassment.

You made me drive a race car.

♪ "Can't Do Without You" by Caribou ♪

Hey Lou,

two weeks until my wedding and

still I haven't seen a single word of these vows

So, I think we need to set a hard deadline

Rebecca's wedding that's Saturday, six days, if

you wanna, you know, put it in your calendar.

No, Chel, the lounge is over there.

Just using that, ziplock bag, that's a strong move too.

Smarter than using just the plastic bag.

At this point, though, you're probably wondering...

When the writer is able to intertwine

her intellectual observation...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Tom Schwartz. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Wait, do we...

- Have we... - No.

Okay, you look familiar.

You're a fan of the show?

- Yeah, Lou. - Lou. Hello.

I love that name.

I love VPR.

I feel like we met before.

- I don't know what it is. - I don't know.

Face? I don't know. Something.

Nice to meet you, Lou. I'm Tom.

Yeesh!

I'm going to South Beach when Chicago's got this.

World's not fair.

♪ "Allegro Con Brio" by Ludwig Van Beethoven ♪

Because in that moment,

the borders between us dissolve.

And I know, know in my mind.

♪ "Allegro Con Brio" by Ludwig Van Beethoven ♪

I heard you wrote Rebecca's vows. I loved them.

- I was obsessed. - Yeah, thank you.

Thank you. Oh, food, thank God.

Excuse me.

Bruschetta, hell, yeah. Thank you, babe.

Lou!

- Hey, - We need to...

I was just enjoying the hors d'oeuvres.

Look, Olivia, I...

Here we go.

What's the excuse now?

No.

Olivia, I didn't write your vows,

and I can't write your vows. I just...

I can't.

What's the real story between you and Warren?

You hooked up in college?

Please.

Look, we didn't hook up.

I swear we...

You're going to eat the fucking crostino or what?

Hmm?

No.

You know what? Honestly, it doesn't even matter.

Warren will tell me what happened.

I just...

I can't believe I hired you to write my vows.

You don't know anything about love.

I could write something better in 10 minutes.

♪ "Allegro Con Brio" by Ludwig Van Beethoven ♪

Let's hear it one more time for Rebecca's Dad.

Mindy and Rebecca.

Their first dance as newlyweds.

Hey, you good?

I saw Olivia, and she looked salty as hell.

It's fine.

Look, I know you said no strings.

Dash.

I know I'm always playing it real cool, but

I think you should come to Miami with me.

Dash, it's been a really long day, and I

don't think we need to do this right now.

I just have to get this off my chest.

This, us, our connection.

I don't...

I think there's so much more there

that I don't think you realize.

This kinda thing doesn't happen,

you know, all the time.

Like, ever.

Yeah.

Say something.

Fuck, you wrote those vows, and all

of a sudden you're like, speechless.

I don't know.

Dash, I'm flattered.

I am.

I like you.

I do like you. I just...

Fuck.

It's all good.

I'm gonna...

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Yeah. I'll see you around.

Bravo Con or some shit.

I don't know.

- Klaus. - Hi.

Hi.

Hey.

- Hey. - The vows.

They were so good.

Oh, thank you.

They made me cry.

Thank you again.

Do you want to take a hit of this?

Oh, I'm all good.

It's dank. Okay

Okay.

Who was that?

I have no idea.

What are you going to do with that?

Something graceful, obviously.

Fuck.

Very graceful.

I try.

I really...

I try.

What do we have?

Want a drink?

No.

So, the other night?

Yeah.

I...

Warren.

I was in love with you, too, in college.

I just...

God, I had no idea that we were on the same page.

I thought I was so, so obvious.

Yeah, you probably were.

But I was so in my head then.

I didn't stop to think that I could just talk to you.

You know and...

I mean,

I...

I wish you said this 10 years ago.

I fucking knew it!

Livy.

- Olivia, please! - Fuck.

What are you... What are you...

Oh, my God.

- Snakes! Both of you. - No, Livy. Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, Olivia, it's not what it looks like.

Oh, my God. She does play tennis.

- Livy, let me explain. - Oh, God.

Okay, it's not what it looks like.

Don't you dare.

It is exactly what it looks like.

You're a liar.

You are a liar.

I asked you point blank and you lied.

Yeah, you're right.

- I know I'm right. - Warren.

Is she wearing your fucking coat?

Can I?

Can I just come out?

Can I stand up and can we talk?

Are you sure you want to?

Are you sure you don't want to just stay with that snake?

Let her wear all your coats.

Livy, please. Can we please calm down?

Stop saying, please.

Please, what?

- She is a snake. - OK, Warren. This is insane.

Do you still not know about her vows?

Why she's at this wedding?

Why she's suddenly back in your life?

What vows? What? Rebecca's vows?

Not just Rebecca, tons of people.

Warren, just listen to me for a second, please.

I hired her.

I hired her.

You?

- You hired her? - You think we'd be friends?

Really?

You think she knows how to do pilates?

She's trash at pilates.

I mean, why couldn't you just...

Because she doesn't -

I wanted to say something

worthy of my love for you.

I thought she could help.

I didn't realize it was a fucking con.

A con?

Olivia, what con?

You reached out to me.

You turned this into a lie.

If he's the love of your life like you say he is,

why is it so hard for you to string

two sentences together about him?

I'm sorry that you hate his job

and that you hate his taste, okay?

But I don't.

I think those might be the best parts of him.

- You know, and- - Livy, just listen to me.

Yeah.

That.

That's how she feels.

I had a crush on her in college.

And, you know, getting married-

It's not an excuse.

I've been scared.

But nothing is more important to me than you.

Livy, you are my forever, I love you so much.

Please, I'm begging you, please,

can we just talk about this?

Somewhere else.

Of course, somewhere else.

I think a slightly bigger break in the pant.

Yeah, right there. Exactly.

That's perfect.

You look sexy as hell.

Okay. Lapels? Notched or peaked?

Notched. Lou, what do you think?

I mean, literally

who cares as long as you're not wearing

velvet slippers like an asshole, right?

Hey, sir, do you buy wedding dresses?

Like the unused ones?

- No. - That's fine.

I'll just wear it for every Halloween until I die.

Fucking here we go again.

That way, when I come back as a ghost to haunt all the

children my exes had with wives they actually loved,

wraith-me can be covered in tattered lace,

symbolizing all my unraveled connections.

Is there a bathroom?

There's one right over there.

I'm harshing the vibe, aren't I?

Sorry, it's just that 90% of my clients

quit overnight because weddings-

weddings are word of mouth.

I'm assuming you don't want me to work on your vows.

You know, I don't think I could come up

with something as good as that wraith speech

you just gave, but I think whatever I

do say should probably come from me.

Great. Yeah, no.

The fucking

avoidant attachment style king found love that I-

You know what?

Shut the fuck up.

I know you're going through it, but I'm not going to let

you ruin this for Gus the way you ruined my bachelorette.

Aren't writers supposed to be good at empathy?

Okay, well, clearly, I'm not a fucking real writer, then.

Oh, wah, wah, wah!

I am so sick of your bullshit.

This is a situation that you created,

and you're not the only...

- the only - Casualty.

Yeah, casualty. Thank you.

You almost ruined an engagement out of nostalgia.

And instead of being a remotely decent friend.

You use the two of us as pain sponges in

moments that were supposed to be about us.

God, I thought I was the dumb one.

I need it simpler, snappier, guys.

It's not an Atlantic article.

I've given you 20.

It's sparkle time, horny for Corny,

mythical crunch, mystical crunch.

Do you need more?

No, I hate all of those.

And so we turn to Lou, who never wants

to offer anything unless solicited.

Lou, do you have any ideas?

Tagline.

Uhhh...

God, okay.

A couple of things before I go.

I know that Corny the Unicorn was my idea, but

it makes no fucking sense for a potato chip.

What are you talking about? Of course it does.

They're completely different starches.

So we're locked in production.

Like, art is being made. What are you talking about?

- I'm quitting. - For real?

- Yeah. - No, Lou, you can't quit.

- Yeah. - Listen.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm sorry.

I'm not going to try and say anything about your love.

You can't say a million times better.

But in a minor attempt for reparation.

I've sent you both my notes

on what you said about each other.

Olivia, you said how much you love Warren's

boundless heart and his dedication to helping people.

Warren

You said Olivia's warmth and optimism

has made your life so much more joyful.

That she brings everyone together.

Someone wise once told me,

it's good to test a relationship before marriage.

I'm sorry that I've been that test for you,

but

if you needed any convincing of your own insight,

eloquence, and faith

in one another, I hope this helps.

- You actually sent this? - Yeah.

That's not...

Fuck. That's not easy.

Is that?

- That's your dress. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, God.

Adita looks way better in it than I ever did, huh?

You're not wrong.

♪ "Unchained Melody" by The Fleetwoods ♪

Steven Anthony Dent.

I never thought I'd be up here with anyone.

But that's because until a few months

ago, I didn't know you existed.

So,

I don't know if you guys knew this,

but like all great love stories,

ours started on Tinder.

In a few months,

actually three months,

to be exact, you've taught me more about

myself than I've learned in the last 30 years.

My whole life, I've been

skeptical of how we're trained to express love.

You've shown me that real love grows out of

all the little things,

the little in between moments.

You rubbing my back for a few seconds for no reason at all.

You squeezing my hand right now

so I don't cry through these vows.

Because it's those moments where all the barriers I've

spent years putting up, it all goes away.

I'm just present in my body, in my heart,

grateful that I could live in this

connection through our palms and fingertips.

I've spent the last 10 years.

♪ "Unchained Melody" by The Fleetwoods ♪

- What? - What, what, what?

- It's Dash. - What's Dash?

Are you sure he's not just a rebound from your rebound?

No, I mean it's all kinda

hitting really fucking fast, but

No, I mean, all these vows I've written, it's like

It's because I'm good at intellectualizing love, but,

fuck!

Fuck!

Tild! Hearing Gus I never felt

any of that with Warren or Graham.

But, Dash, he's like, like the opposite.

Like, I don't have to force it.

It's all feeling, but, God, I am the dumb one. Aren't I?

Well, we're all the dumb one in our own way.

Right?

Who is it?

Are you guys doing coke without me?

- God, it's my wedding. - Sadly, no, but,

Lou finally realized that it's Dash.

Wow, welcome to the conversation.

Except, now, he's leaving all winter.

Fuck, Miami.

When does he leave? Do you know?

This weekend. Honestly, I think this afternoon.

- What do I do? - You go and you stop him.

Yeah, this minute. Go! Right now.

- Yeah! Are you sure? - God, yes, I love you.

Okay, I fucking love you. Go.

- It's okay? - Yes! It's okay. Go!

I love you so much. I love you guys so fucking much.

I'm sorry that I used you as pain

sponges. I'm so grateful for you.

Dude, you did that.

Those vows were the best vows that I've ever heard

They were really good. Now, go, go, I love you.

Oh, shit.

Steven, congratulations.

I need to leave right now, but

we have so many moments ahead of us.

- Go! - Go!

♪ "Linger" by Royel Otis ♪

Okay, who the fuck

am I actually kidding?

No, I'm going to get a car. Fuck.

Oh my God.

Okay, I don't want you to break the law

or anything, and I know this is

a little on the nose, but there

is a man about to board a plane.

What do you want me to do? You want me to ram the other cars?

- Hey! - Sorry. Sorry.

♪ Don't let it burn. Don't let it fade ♪

Okay. Oh, my God. I'm totally going to fucking miss him.

♪ But it's just your attitude ♪

♪ But it's tearing me apart ♪

♪ And it's ruining every day ♪

♪ I swore ♪

♪ I swore I would be true ♪

♪ And honey, so did you ♪

♪ So why were you holding her hand? ♪

♪ Is it just the way we stand? ♪

♪ Were you lying all the time? ♪

♪ Was it just a game to you? ♪

♪ But I'm in so deep ♪

♪ You know I'm such a fool for you ♪

♪ You got me wrapped around your finger ♪

♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪

♪ Do you have to, do you have to ♪

♪ Do you have to let it linger ♪

♪ Oh, I ♪

Sorry! Excuse me!

♪ thought the world of you ♪

♪ I thought nothing could go wrong ♪

♪ But I was wrong ♪

♪ I was wrong ♪

♪ If you, if you could get by ♪

♪ Trying not to lie ♪

♪ Things wouldn't be so confused ♪

♪ And I wouldn't feel so used ♪

♪ But you always really knew ♪

♪ I just wanna be with you ♪

♪ And I'm in so deep ♪

Fuck.

Hi.

What's with the shoes?

I had to run here.

Why? How far?

I can check my Fitbit, but...

You are never not roasting me, huh?

No, you're right. I'm not here to roast you.

No, you're here because that other dude

is getting married and you're tripping.

The way I treated you has been...

- Selfish. - Yeah.

- As fuck. - Pretty much.

Very much.

Do you realize how much I put myself out there?

I'm sorry.

Look, my car to the airport is coming in

a sec, so I gotta get--

No, Dash, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I didn't take you seriously.

I've never met anyone like you,

been with anyone like you.

And for someone who's a fucking idiot and a coward and

loves self-sabotage, it's so scary.

I think you might be the most

amazing person that I've ever met.

You know, you're like...

You're relentlessly generous and

open and full of this wisdom that's

more insightful than anything I

could think of in an entire year.

And you're funny.

You're so funny. And,

our sex is like...

It's really

And more than any of that, you are-

You are so confident in who you are.

You know what you want. And I...

I don't know when we're together, I feel hopeful.

And I'm so sorry.

I'm so fucking sorry. I just...

I just... I want to be with you.

Please.

You didn't pre-write that shit?

No, I just...

No, I...

No.

Damn.

I think that might have been the sexiest minute of my life.

♪...go wrong but I was wrong ♪

♪ I was wrong ♪

♪ If you, if you could get by ♪

♪ Trying not to lie ♪

- Fuck. - What?

I gotta leave. I gotta go to Miami.

I can't bail on Arjun.

I can be gone for six months.

Wait, for real?

Yeah.

I mean, the best part of being a struggling YA

writer is you can do it from literally anywhere.

And I've had way too many Chicago burritos.

I think it's time to deep dive on those Cuban sandwiches.

Cuban sandwiches.

Every day, every day.

That's my girl.

♪ You know I'm such a fool for you ♪

♪ You got me wrapped around your finger ♪

♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪

♪ Do you have to, do you have to ♪

♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪

♪ "Little of Your Love" by Haim ♪

- She loves Miami. - I do love Miami.

Brides out there they love her,

the vow business is going crazy.

What's up with the book?

She's sending it to publishers,

I'm telling you it's a bestseller.

- Yeah! - Bestseller.

Do you guys go to the IMAX theater?

- Babe. - I thought she was going.

♪ "Little of Your Love" by Haim ♪

Go around the circle and say one thing that you

love about everyone and one constructive criticism.

One thing I love about you, the

way that no hats fit your head.

None of them fit.

Everything goes full yarmulke.

There's a lot of conditioners in the shower, and

I feel like some of them are a bit redundant.

I feel like you can leave some of them out.

I wish you weren't so poetic all the

time, and I wish you just said things.

You know what I'm saying?

♪ "Little of Your Love" by Haim ♪

♪ "Good as Gold " by Scheana Marie ft The 27s ♪

- Yell it even louder daddy. - Shhh!