Original subtitles

Previously on Eternally Yours...

I'm crazy about Max,

but we've been together six weeks,

and now Dad turns him into a vampire?

At your mother's request.

LIZ: He was going to die, Charles.

JESSE: We broke him, we bought him.

He's got to join our coven.

You're undead, dude. It really sucks.

EMMA: You remember Mort. He's one of the twin teenage sons

of the other family in the coven.

Oh, my God, what time is it? I have to get to work.

No, you're not going anywhere.

You have no idea how to be out among the living.

- Oh, my God! - CHARLES: You could be exposed,

- which directly endangers us. - [chuckles]

I didn't think that it would be such a...

No, you didn't think, Max. That's the problem.

I'm sorry. I-I just didn't want to believe

that this could really be happening.

That everything about my life was going to be different.

But now I know that it is.

MAX: Mort,

Henry, guess what.

My telepathy power's starting to come in.

Hey. That's awesome.

Oh, my God, it worked? You guys heard that?

Yeah, loud and clear, man. Your powers

- are developing early. - Thank you.

You know, it's weird 'cause I went through puberty quite late.

- Uh... - Why are you telling us about puberty?

Wait, what? No, I just thought that in my head.

I didn't mean to telepathy that to you.

Yeah. It'll take a while to master it.

Sometimes a stray thought can be transmitted by accident.

Ah, that's a little terrifying.

Don't think about the zit on Mort's forehead.

Come on, man.

Oh, no.

Yeah, maybe you should just walk away, Max.

Walking away. [chuckles]

?

Did you guys know, in 1532,

the vampires had a truce with the werewolves?

And there was actually a coalition government

- for a period of time? - I recall that.

It worked until the minister of finance

dismembered the vice chancellor.

LIZ: They should never have scheduled that cabinet meeting

- during a full moon. - No.

- What's that book, Max? - It's a book of vampire history

that I found in Charles's study.

- [coughs] - Oh. Sorry, Phyllis.

- That's my bad. - [coughs]

Have you guys heard of a ceremony

- called the hospitio vampirus? - Yeah.

It's like an initiation celebration for new vampires.

Or as I like to call it, a bat mitzvah.

- Yeah. - Get it?

Bats.

I'm working on a half hour of vampire-related stand-up.

So far I've got that one.

LIZ: Oh, Emma,

I remember your hospitio like it was yesterday.

You looked so beautiful.

Aside from that haircut you insisted on getting.

Oh, my God, it was hundreds of years ago.

You have to let it go, Mom.

You're right. It's just hard to let it go

when those bangs are in all the oil paintings.

Uh, I was just thinking maybe it might be fun

if we did one of those ceremonies for me.

Aw, I love that you're embracing your vampire-hood.

Well, I just figure if I'm gonna be one, I might as well be one.

And turns out, this stuff is fascinating.

I mean, it is a rich history.

A little dark, with all the murder and stuff.

But very rich.

Max, I think having a ceremony for you is a great idea.

You deserve to be welcomed properly into our community.

And if a bang-less Emma gets a redo

with the pictures, well, then

- that's just a win-win. - EMMA: Again,

it was of the time.

All the Ottoman Empire guys loved it.

Are we sure we want to go through the hassle

of throwing a party?

Inviting a bunch of vampires

we don't really like and rarely speak to.

LIZ: Come on.

We never entertain.

We just threw that New Year's thing.

ALL: Three, two, one!

Happy 1913!

- [cheering] - [party horns blowing]

And thank you all for coming.

Fine. But this is the party for this century.

Yes. Thank you, Charles.

Man, I have to figure out what I'm gonna wear.

You wear a skin suit made out of your first victim.

[laughs softly] What?

I'm kidding. We don't do that anymore.

LIZ: Okay.

The party is in three hours.

Decorations are in place.

- Henry, you're doing the music? - HENRY: Uh, yeah,

got it, but, uh, what about my mom?

I mean, she's human.

She can't be here for a vampire party, right?

We sent her away on a spa day.

- [coughing] - You ready, Phyllis?

I don't think I'm up for going.

[sniffles] The doctor said I should rest.

Oh, but that's what the spa is for.

- Rest. - [coughing]

You're gonna want to hit the steam for that.

She's gonna be fine.

[Jesse whoops]

This is a big deal, Max.

Your own hospitio?

I mean, being celebrated in front of the community

and marking the beginning of this momentous journey.

Yeah, thank you. I-I am so excited.

You should be. Man, I'm really happy for you.

Like, so, so happy for you.

I mean, not jealous at all.

Sorry, what's going on?

Jesse never had his own ceremony.

- We wanted to have one, of course. - Of course we wanted

- to have one. - But we were just really busy that week.

Yeah, it was the Old West, 1876.

There was a train robbery and a roundup.

LIZ: Which, of course, led to the gathering of a posse.

I was in the posse.

It's very time-consuming, a posse.

JESSE: No, guys, it's okay.

I mean, would I have liked a ceremony? Sure.

But the important thing is that you turned me.

I was just a lowly cowhand,

and they plucked me from obscurity

and made me into a vampire.

- Yeah. - It's really not a big deal.

JESSE: Not a big deal?

I barely even knew you guys,

but you chose me to spend eternity with,

I mean, knowing that that meant

that I would be joining your coven.

I'll always be grateful.

MAX: Wow, you guys really saw something

in Jesse, huh?

- Mm-hmm. Yep. - Obviously, yeah.

[doorbell rings]

Ooh, great!

- Ah! The food's here. [laughs] - Ow.

Hi, Steve.

Hi, Liz. I've got your blood.

- Thank you. - Big order this week, huh?

Ooh. You okay?

I'm a little lightheaded. Could I, uh,

- come in and lie down? - Oh, Steve.

No. We're expecting people.

Okay. Could you just point me towards my car?

Yeah. Yeah, just- it's right there.

So, if you just go ahead and then down the stairs and then...

Yeah. Ooh. Yep.

- One foot in front of the other. - We're doing it.

- [sighs] - CHARLES: I'm sorry,

Celeste Bonafour is on the guest list

for this hospitio vampirus?

Why was I not consulted?

- Who's Celeste Bonafour? - LIZ: Ugh, she's this vampire

that Charles for some reason has had a grudge against

since the 17th century.

She is rude and-and she is stuck-up

and she thinks she's better than us.

We had to invite her. She's a prominent local vampire.

Wait, Dad, isn't Celeste that lady

you once paid a witch to curse?

That was a debacle. The unscrupulous witch

just ran off with the money.

I had to pay a sorcerer to hex the witch.

It was a whole thing.

LIZ: Please try not to make this day

all about you and your petty grievances.

Yeah, Dad, please, for once can you just think about Mom?

She put a lot of work into this.

Okay, Celeste can attend.

But when I see her, I shall be tight

with my smile and less than firm with my handshake.

- That'll show her. - Yeah.

[thunder rumbles]

- CHARLES: Careful. - Wait, Charles,

you only ordered five pints of Steve?

That's not enough.

Well, what would you have me do?

It seemed it was all he could safely give.

You don't give a fig about Steve. You're just a cheapskate.

If there's less, people drink less.

They self-ration.

Hello.

- Thank you for having us. - Ah,

the blood.

I am famished.

CHARLES: Oh, y-you'll want to pace yourself.

It's a sipping blood.

I hope you don't mind, but we brought our cousin Aldrict

who's visiting from out of town.

- Oh. - Aldrict.

Uh, this is Charles and Liz.

Have we met?

No. No. I don't think so.

- Hmm. - Hi.

I'm Max. I'm the, uh, hospitio boy.

- Oh. - But where's your skin suit?

Uh, I was told we're not doing that anymore.

VLAD: Sure. Why do any of it?

Apparently, the old ways don't even matter anymore.

I swear I know you from somewhere.

Did we kill a priest together? In Munich perhaps?

Munich, Munich. No, no.

- I'm sorry, I should mingle. - [door opens, closes]

CHARLES: Oh, damn it. She's here.

Excuse me. [clears throat]

Celeste, welcome.

- Charles, hello. - I don't know if you heard,

but we're asking people to remove their shoes

because of the inclement weather.

No, I was made aware.

But unfortunately, I'm unable to acquiesce.

You see, my boots complete this outfit.

Of course, but, um, the rain.

But, um, my outfit. [laughs]

Right.

Hans! [laughs]

[Charles hisses]

Dad, don't make a scene.

This is Max's big day, and you promised Mom.

All right, she can keep her boots on.

Also, there are some guys doing shots at the fountain.

CHARLES: Oh, for crying out loud.

It's a sipping blood. You'll want to savor it.

MAX: Liz. Everything okay?

You seemed a little thrown off by that Aldrict guy back there.

Max, can you keep a secret?

Yeah, of course. I'm great at keeping secrets.

Like how I've never told anyone

that my first kiss was with my second cousin.

- What? - Damn it.

Listen, that old vampire-

he knows a secret that I've been keeping since 1876.

It's about Jesse. Remember how I was the one

that turned him into a vampire?

- Yeah. - Well,

I wasn't trying to turn him.

I was trying to kill him.

[organ playing]

HENRY: Oh.

Here's my Bluetooth speaker.

Gonna go put this in the living room.

What do you mean that you were trying to kill Jesse?

Okay, here's what happened.

For the longest time after Charles

turned me into a vampire, I refused to hunt.

But didn't you need to eat?

Charles did the hunting for us.

I knew it made me a hypocrite,

but just the whole thought

of doing the actual killing, it was anathema to me.

[horse neighs]

CHARLES: Darling, I know you're scared,

but it's really not that difficult.

You just have to pick someone inconsequential.

Someone who barely matters, who won't be missed.

All right, well, I picked up all the cow patties.

If that'll be all, I'm fixin' to head into town.

I hear a block of ice just got delivered.

I ain't never seen no block of ice before.

CHARLES: Oh, farmhand.

You're always gone on long cattle drives.

Away for weeks on end.

Must be really hard on your family.

Not really, sir.

You see, I got no kin to speak of.

I did once, but the smallpox took 'em.

Yes.

I mean, that must have been really tough.

LIZ: He was the perfect candidate.

An anonymous drifter who no one would miss.

- So what happened? - One night

I stalked him behind the barn,

where I had lured him with a clever ruse.

- [owl hooting] - What was she talking about?

There's no block of ice here.

LIZ: I finally had my first kill.

The monkey was off my back.

Or so I thought.

Later that night I was out at the local saloon...

Your first kill. I am so proud of you.

Thank you for helping me overcome my fear, Charles.

You truly are the wind beneath my wings.

All right. I'm gonna go urinate some blood.

Well, that was so close to a nice moment.

MAN: Excuse me, uh,

- are you a whore? - What?

- No. - Oh.

Sorry, it's just that, uh, you're a woman

and this is the Wild West.

Uh, my apologies.

Congratulations on your first kill.

I couldn't help but overhear, what with my super-hearing.

- Vampire. - Oh.

- Yeah. [laughs] - Thank you.

- He was a farmhand. - [chuckles]: Ah.

He will not be missed.

Whoo! Damn, I feel good!

Yeehaw!

LIZ: Wait. No.

That's him now.

But I thought you killed him.

I thought so, too.

Uh, sorry, are you done with her yet?

I am not a whore.

Well, you're sitting there.

God, this era's a drag.

Because of my inexperience,

it seems I failed to drain him of enough blood.

Instead of killing Jesse, I had turned him into a vampire.

So you had to take him into your coven

just like you had to take me in.

Jesse assumed that we had chosen him,

not knowing that he was, in fact, a mistake.

Charles and I decided never to tell him the truth.

And if Aldrict remembers who you are,

Jesse will find out what really happened.

He will be crushed.

Which is why you need to distract Aldrict.

Keep him occupied.

Yes, leave it to me.

I mean, everyone wants to talk to the hospitio boy.

- Feels like it's my bar mitzvah. - [laughs softly]

My theme was jazz.

Oh. You had a tough adolescence, didn't you?

Yeah.

[coughing]

[phone vibrating]

Oh. [grunts]

Hi, Dr. Miller.

What?

What do you mean I have the bubonic plague?

How did I get that?

- [coughing] - Oh. Sorry, Phyllis.

That's my bad.

Stay away from other people.

Got it.

Very contagious. Understood.

Okay, well, thank you.

[coughing]

I'm sorry... sorry for talking on my phone.

I know I know that lady from somewhere.

Oh, and that man looks familiar, too.

Where do I know them from?

Uh, hey, Aldrict, uh, you know what I would like to hear about

is your hospitio.

Yeah. I mean, what was that like?

Oh, it was a lovely affair. Although it did get quite warm.

You know, August in a skin suit.

[glass tapping]

Excuse me. Hi.

Um, we just wanted to thank you all for coming

and for braving the rain.

And we appreciate the near-95% compliance rate

on the shoe removal.

This is Max's big day,

and as his girlfriend, I am so proud of him.

Girlfriend. That's big.

- Public acknowledgment. - Yeah, hard launch. Nice.

And of course, thank you to my mom Liz

- for organizing this whole event. - Yes, Liz!

- Yeehaw! - [chuckles]

Yeehaw!

Yes! That's where I know you both from.

Yes! Yes, you tried to kill him, but you ended up

turning him into a vampire accidentally.

- What? - I'm sure you're misremembering.

No, no, you said he was an annoying farmhand

and that no one would miss him. [laughs]

Oh, it must have been so awkward when you found out.

[scoffs] Liz.

That's not true, right?

MAX: Be cool, Max, don't telepathy to everyone

that it's definitely true and that Liz told you so earlier.

[all gasp]

Damn it. Seriously?

I sent that to the whole room?

- Thanks, Max. - S-So...

you didn't choose me?

What, I was, like, a mistake?

- Jesse, I can explain. - No.

Don't bother.

- I... - ALDRICT: Oh.

I see, he never found out.

And I was right, it is awkward.

I mean, am I right?

This is very awkward right now?

- Jesse, can I come down? - It's your world,

I'm just undead in it.

Not that that's what you wanted.

I am so sorry that you had to find out that way.

No, it's good.

Now at least I know where I stand.

And I know why I never had a hospitio.

Because there was nothing to celebrate.

Okay, okay, yes, I meant to kill you,

- but I'm so glad that I didn't. - [scoffs]

You're just saying that.

Please, Jesse, what can I do?

Uh, sorry, is this where they're doing the virgin sacrifices?

I saw some people heading down here

and I want to get a good seat.

We're not doing any sacrifice today.

Seriously? We're out of blood and the virgins are safe?

What kind of hospitio is this?

Thank you. Note taken.

Let's just go back upstairs.

I don't want to ruin Max's big day.

Please, Jesse. You have to forgive me.

Look, Liz, you've known about this deceit for 150 years.

I'm just now finding out about it.

So, sorry if, uh, my forgiveness timeline isn't working for you.

[sighs]

Oh, my God.

What was she thinking?

- Cheapskates, yes. - CHARLES: Celeste.

Like to see less of her in my house.

Dad, you're spiraling. What on earth could be so bad,

it's still bothering you 300 years later?

[sighs] It doesn't matter.

Clearly, it does.

- Just tell me what she did. - Fine. Back in Austria,

Celeste insulted your mother behind her back.

She called her shrill and tedious,

and said it was my misfortune

to be stuck with someone like her forever.

She said that? About Mom?

CHARLES: Yeah, she even commented on your mother's appearance,

remarking upon the crow's-feet wrinkles around her eyes.

Ah, but you're right. It's been long enough.

I should let bygones be bygones.

- Not a chance. - Emma, wait.

Celeste, who the hell do you think you are?

Excuse me?

My mother is an incredible woman,

and this is a no-shoes household.

On days when it's raining.

They complete the outfit.

Not anymore they don't.

- [all gasp] - Holy crap.

[gasping]

CHARLES: Is that a crow's foot?

CELESTE: Look away!

I'm hideous!

[wailing]

So the witch I paid cursed her with an actual crow's foot.

An elegant nod to her slander.

That's clever. I'd use that witch again.

Can I get her info?

CHARLES: Tradition dictates

that he who turns a new vampire

must welcome him into the fold

and bestow upon him his vampire name.

Everyone, please meet Max the Tolerable.

- [whooping, applause] - Yeah.

Um, thank you, everyone.

It is an honor to be your hospitio boy.

[chuckles] Um, in my short time

as a vampire, I've learned some important lessons.

One is that, even though Seattle has significant cloud coverage,

there are periods of intense sunshine.

And that, once burned, it takes a long time for the hair

- on your arm to grow back. - [soft laughter]

- Ha ha ha. - And another lesson I've learned

is that "coven" really means "family."

- I couldn't agree more. - Oh.

- Thank you, Liz. - There's something that I think needs to be said.

Ooh, I... I mean, I-I had more.

There was an incident earlier today.

You all saw it.

It came out that I was the one

that had turned Jesse into a vampire by mistake.

But what you don't know

is that that was the best mistake I have ever made.

- [hushed chatter] - Aw.

- Aw. Um, anyway, so I, um... - I know the old ways

say that a hospitio is meant for only one vampire,

but today I propose we do something new.

A double hospitio.

[exhales] Seriously?

It's long overdue.

Max, are you okay with this?

I think it's a great idea. Come on up here, Jesse.

There is room for more than one hospitio boy.

- [Liz laughs] - Thanks, man.

[sighs] Thank you. Oh, gosh.

Thanks, guys.

I mean, I know I said that I was cool

without having a hospitio, but...

- oh, this rocks. - [laughs]

[Jesse sighs]

LIZ: I hereby

name thee Jesse the Iceman.

- JESSE: Ah! - Oh, wow.

JESSE: Hell yeah!

Like the guy from Top Gun.

But also because we have a shared history

involving big blocks of ice!

- That rules! - [chuckles]

[laughs]

Iceman.

ALL [chanting]: Iceman.

Iceman. Iceman.

Iceman. Iceman. Iceman.

- Iceman. [cheering] - Yeehaw!

So, you went wide with the whole girlfriend thing, huh?

It kind of slipped out.

But, yeah, I guess we're official now.

Yeah, I guess so.

She is so much hotter than my second cousin.

- What? - Damn it.

Great party, Liz.

- Thank you. - Mm.

It was, wasn't it?

Although what was that whole business

with Celeste and her bird foot?

Crow's foot.

And that was, um...

- I really don't know what that was. - Hmm.

- It was gross, though, wasn't it? - Uh-huh.

Her little talons clickety-clacking

- as she ran out humiliated. - [laughs]

- Such fun. - Yeah. - [Phyllis coughs]

Oh, is this a... [coughs]

- ...party? - LIZ: It- uh, it's just a little

impromptu thing.

You're home a little early.

- Babe, how you feeling? - PHYLLIS: Not so great.

It turns out, I have the plague.

But the doctor gave me some antibiotics,

so I should be better by tomorrow.

But I am coughing up blood.

Oh, no, don't get up. I'll be fine.

That's no virgin, but we'll take it.

Okay, you know what? Honey, let's get you upstairs.

- Come on, let's... - [coughing]

CHARLES: And...

thank you all for coming.

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