Original subtitles

� Chappelle's show �

- � chappelle's show - chappelle's show �

- � chappelle's show - chappelle's show �

- � chappelle's show - chappelle's show �

� ah �

wait.

I don't think he's coming.

Oh.

Let's start the show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together

for donnell rawlings and Charlie Murphy!

Yeah!

Welcome back to another episode of chappelle's show.

Yeah, yeah.

Got a question for y'all.

You ever been in a situation where somebody didn't like you,

and you figured the reason why they ain't like you

is because they was a racist?

Only to think later on that...

They wasn't a racist at all.

You just was acting like an asshole.

On the opposite side, you might say,

"you know what? Maybe I was being an asshole."

Do you think about it like, "I wasn't being an asshole.

"That was a klansman I was just talking to!"

That's what this sketch is about.

Check it out.

you're in a good mood today, blockhead.

What's up?

Got a meeting with my boss today,

and I think I'm about to get that promotion.

Nigga, I thought you said your boss was a racist.

You know, I think he is a racist,

but I'm about to get promoted anyway.

Because of the hard work I put in,

I'm getting ready to become office manager.

I tell you something else too.

If I was a white man, I'd be taking his job.

Morning, fellas.

Hey, wolfie, what'd I tell you

about not wearing no pants around the house?

Aw, c'mon dog.

Ay, c'mon, man, you scratching your balls over my breakfast!

You got ball hair on top of your head!

That's not a joke.

That is ball hair. That's coarse.

Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm sorry. I'm a little on edge.

I'm nervous. I got a big date today.

- What? - A date?

All right, I didn't say nothing,

'cause I feel a little uncomfortable about it.

She's white.

You come in here with your tail waggin' over a white woman?

C'mon, dog, listen, this is the first date I had

since that werewolf bit me on the subway.

Sisters don't understand this!

Only thing nice a sister said to me

since I been a goddamn werewolf

is that I got pretty hair, and I'm tired of that shit!

So if you don't accept me and accept the people I love,

like I accept you, you fuckin' frankenstein,

and you, you fuckin' gauze-wrapped, stanky-ass,

3,000-year-old mummy--

yes, I know about you-- then I'm gonna be upset!

Now if you guys will excuse me...

I'm getting the hell out of here myself.

I gotta go see my probation officer.

Frank...

Have a seat.

Yes, sir. Pleased to be here.

Frank, I don't want to beat around the bush.

I've been getting a lot of complaints about you

from your co-workers.

What kind of complaints?

Well, amongst other things, conflict resolution.

Those motherfuckers!

Uh...

What else did they tell you?

They were afraid of your violent outbursts.

You've broken a lot of furniture, Frank.

I'm afraid I have to let you go.

Listen up!

You racist backstabbers!

Sorry y'all ain't evolved enough

to handle a strong black man around the office.

Let me tell you something.

Frank, Frank, you gotta relax.

You're with friends, okay? I love you.

We all love you.

We just don't want anybody to get hurt, you understand?

- Yaaah! - Aaagh!

Son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch! God damn it!

Argh!

Now all y'all know I'm the hardest worker in the business.

I'm tired of tiptoeing around this office

so y'all racists can be comfortable.

You scared of black people?

Well, that's your problem!

My color shouldn't even be an issue.

When you look at me, all you should see is a man...

Not a black man!

Nigga, you a frankenstein!

Aw, shut up, slave.

Hello, police?

Someone's going berserk in our office.

He's black.

Freeze!

Come on, let's get it over with.

Go on, do what you gon' do! Impress your white friends!

Fire one shot.

Firing one shot.

Ow!

Oh, damn. Aagh!

Damn slave!

You is a slave!

Y'all ought to get together.

Go out to lunch.

Have cold grits or somethin' to eat.

Aw, man, I'm about to be late again!

I better hurry up.

Aw, never gon' make it, man.

They gon' send me right back to the joint.

I need a taxi.

I need a taxi. That's what I need.

Fuck this shit, man.

I was standing right--

Yo, stop, stop!

- C'mon, I need a taxi, man. - No Brooklyn!

- I'm not going to Brooklyn! - I'm off-duty.

You're not off-duty! Your sign is on, come on!

N-no mummies! I don't trust mummies!

You know this ain't got shit to do

with me bein' a mummy, man.

Just be real with it, son.

Yo, just be real with it.

Shit...Why you have to fuck up my gauze, son?

You're late again. This is totally unacceptable.

My fault, sorry.

Ah, you people are always late.

"You people"?

What you trying to say-- black people are always late?

Actually, I was talking about mummies.

Listen, you've been late every month since you got out.

It shows that you have a clear disdain for me and the system.

You're going back to jail.

Ain't this a bitch.

The system is not designed for us, man.

Who, black people or mummies?

I don't even know anymore.

I don't even know anymore.

You know what they do to mummies in jail

when they gotta go to the bathroom

and nobody can find toilet paper?

What?

They use me.

I'd like to propose a toast...

New beginnings.

- Wolfie, I... - Yeah?

I think maybe we're moving too fast.

Huh?

What you mean? What are you talking about?

Wait a minute, is it...

It's not the black-white thing, is it?

No, really, you can tell me.

I was a little uncomfortable about it too; I'm not gonna lie.

Is everything okay over here?

Yeah, everything is fine.

Thank you so much.

Hey!

Excuse me.

That's very mature, miss.

Your penis is exposed, brother.

Oh...Thanks, ma'am, sorry about that.

I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve your kind here.

Wait, hold on, what's that supposed to mean, "my kind"?

Oh, no pants. How convenient.

So all this shit is about pants?

Police beatin' up people for pants, huh?

Just get the fuck outta here! I'm eatin' soup!

I got this, baby.

Freeze!

I should bite the shit out of this motherfucker!

I've got good news for all three of you.

Mummy, a judge ruled in your favor.

The probation officer can't lock you up for lateness.

Yes!

Wolfman, the police said they'd drop all charges

if you promise to start wearing pants.

Fuckin' racists!

Frank, the man whose arm you tore off

is willing to settle out of court.

Yeah!

As black men, we have to stick together.

And besides, I am a sagittarius.

Look, we gonna be right back with some more

chappelle's show after commercial.

- � Chappelle's show � - who is that?

You know, a lot of people are wondering

just exactly what happened with that $50 million check.

Check this out.

Right there we see his check, to the order of Dave chappelle.

Ashy Larry?

I'm rich, bi-atch!

I'm cashing that shit at a liquor store

right on 125th street.

You know, I watch a lot of television, man,

but one of the shows I hate on tv the most,

especially being a black man, is the news.

And when they do talk about us, what word do they use?

Minority.

Minority.

See, that's what Dave was about.

Say what you mean, news people.

The national association of minority-owned business--

minority entrepreneurship-- few minorities--

and they call you minority--

rap mogul Russell Simmons was honored today

- by the national association of-- - nigger--

owned business for his outstanding service

to the African-American community.

News center two's own Jack championship is there.

You know, Lisa, for the past few years,

- there's been a spike in-- - nigger--

entrepreneurship here in America, and few--

- niggers-- - have been more successful

than today's keynote speaker, Mr. Russell Simmons.

85% of the people in our public school system

are black or brown.

- And they call you-- - niggers--

but the fact is, in this state,

the black and the brown people together are the majority.

And the fact is, worldwide, white people are the--

niggers.

You know, that's how they do it.

And what's the--what's the other big word they like to use?

Special interests.

You know what that means.

Take a look at this.

Want this law to pass are minorities

and special interests.

The only people who want this law to pass are--

- niggers-- - and--

fags.

Y'all stay tuned.

We gonna be right back with some more chappelle's show.

Yes!

� Chappelle's show, chappelle's show �

I don't believe this, man.

Welcome back to chappelle's show!

You know, I can say from experience that

when you blow up in show business,

things change and kind of get surreal.

You start getting offers from all kinds of places,

and shit just gets weird.

This is what Dave kind of went through.

Check it out.

Show business will see you now, Mr. chappelle.

Thank you.

I'm a little nervous.

That's completely natural.

Everyone gets nervous the first time they meet show business.

Except p. Diddy.

what's up, playboy?

Oww!

Uh-uh...

Uh-uh. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Voting is sexy, right?

Dave chappelle.

I've been waiting for you.

I am the great and powerful show business.

Congratulations on two good seasons.

Now it's time to make your money.

So tell me, what are your goals for your career?

I don't know.

I was thinking maybe I'd stay true to myself,

you know, speak my mind.

Tv guide was right!

You are the funniest man on television!

Just do what I say.

It'll be painless, and you'll be rich.

I have one word for you... Are you listening?

Uh-oh.

Merchandising.

What you got?

Hey, mom, what's for breakfast?

Pancakes.

Oh, mom, not pancakes again.

I want to eat something fun.

I think I have just the thing.

Dave chappelle cereal!

That's right, kids, I finally got my own cereal,

the first black man since Mr. t.

It's got all the treats that you love from my show.

Purple crack pipes!

Yellow titty jokes!

Brown musicians!

And black and white observations!

I'm rich, bi-atch!

Wow!

See? I told you that was too much.

You wanna do a movie?

We'll get one of your hit characters from the tv show,

take the momentum right into a movie.

You ready?

- I don't know. - Here we go!

I need you to know the depth of my feelings for you.

I want you to know that...

I would die for you.

No matter what I do, what I say...

Every time I try to show you, it's as if...

It's as if you don't hear me.

Do you?

Do you?

What?

Lil' jon in love...

Crunking with his bitch's emotions this July 11th.

Was it good for you?

Yeah! Yeah!

Mmm, you want a sandwich?

What?

Mmm, you wanna sandwich?

What?

Do you want a sandwich?

Huh?

A sandwich.

Okay!

Do you love me?

How's that sandwich coming?

Yeah.

This summer, only in theaters.

I don't know, man.

I don't think that's gonna be good for 90 minutes.

Dave, I'm running out of ideas here.

How would you like to be on mtv cribs?

Cribs?

I don't know about that show, man.

My house is small, and it's not that baller.

I don't really want to put myself

on front street like that.

You think people actually live like that?

Mtv puts celebrities in those houses for the day

to get audiences to value stupid shit.

- Word? - You're perfect for it.

We're gonna turn you into a baller.

A baller?

What's up, mtv?

Come on in, you broke motherfuckers.

See how we livin'.

Ah--ah.

What you're stepping on is a marble foyer

that was cut out of none other than space Mountain.

Very rare.

You like this coat?

White panda.

Hulk hogan choked one out for me in China for my birthday.

It's reversible.

This side is bald eagle.

Look at my chandelier.

It's $2 million.

It's made out of expensive chicken dinners

I've eaten over the years from baller-ass restaurants.

Come with me.

Ha!

You'll notice here, these are some African statues.

I don't really fuck with Africa,

'cause people are starving to death,

and that's not baller to me.

Come on, motherfuckers. Keep up.

Now it's time to see my shoe collection.

You know ballers love nice shoes.

Everybody got they dunks and they jords

or whatever it is they wearing,

but, see, I like to cut the middleman.

Fuck shoe closet;

I got my own sweatshop, nigga.

Goddamn!

I got these bitches working 16 hours straight.

The heart of every house is the kitchen, right?

What's that you say?

You're a fan of archeology?

Right here on the bottom shelf,

you might recognize this as a tyrannosaurus Rex egg.

There's only two of these left in the world.

Each of these bitches is 4 million years old apiece, son.

Goddamn.

Rare. Very hard to find.

And I happen to have both of 'em.

Good God! Whoo-eee, that smell wild!

Damn fool--

goddamn!

It's pulpy.

4 million year old meat, nigga.

Goddamn, that shit smells wild.

I don't think this is gonna be enough for everybody.

I'm gonna get one more of these eggs.

Y'all want to eat some dinosaur, nigga?

Let's try it out.

Damn, that shit stinks.

Whoo!

Oh, my God, it's--

I swear to--

son, it's hatching.

Oh, shit!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a 4 million year old egg.

Come on, girl. Push.

Life.

Life is happening, ladies and gentlemen.

The first t. Rex that the world has seen in 4 million years.

It's happening in my home.

This is the most baller shit ever!

Yes. Yes.

I just wish I had...

My scissors!

Oh, I'm hungry, nigga. I'm hungry.

Oh.

Oh, nigga, that tastes baller. Oh.

Oh, hold up.

Recipe ain't right...

Unless I make it right.

This here's diamonds.

I sprinkle diamonds on everything I eat.

One, it's the most baller shit

you could possibly do to your food,

and two, makes my dookie twinkle, man.

'Cause it's baller!

Baller!

Thanks for coming by, cribs.

We'll be back with more chappelle's show

after these messages.

Hey, help us, robot. Help us. Help us.

Thank y'all for letting us

come in y'all household every fucking week.

And most of all, thanks for helping us all

put closure to a great moment in comedy.

That's coming from the heart,

from everybody involved with chappelle's show.

Thank y'all. Good night.

I'm rich, bi-atch!

Bye. Thank you.

My voice don't have quite the authority

that I wish it would have, so I hired melle Mel

to punctuate my statements, 'cause I'm baller like that.

That's right, you punk bitches.

It's powerful stuff.

Like, if I'm in the bedroom with my old lady,

and I might say, "flip over."

She say, "what you say?"

I said, "I said, 'flip over.'"

And she be like, "how'd melle Mel get in the bed?"

"That's none of your-- that's none of your business."

Ha!