Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Ethan had one of the easiest lives in recorded human history.

There was much to feel grateful for.

He had recently received a blowjob in a park.

His screen time was down to six hours a day,

not including laptop or TV.

He loved to read.

He didn't read, but he could read.

And when he did, which was never, he loved it.

Ethan's life was easy.

There was nothing to complain about.

And yet...

So, this feeling of hopelessness, is that something

that's been triggered by something specific, or...?

I think leaving the flat is a big part of it.

Like, I genuinely think

all landlords should be shot and then guillotined.

Wow.

Apart from my uncle, obviously. He's nice.

That's a lot of blame. I actually rent out a couple of apartments...

All I wanted was to live in a shit flat with my two best friends

and get drunk every night and make memories

that would last a lifetime, and just have,

I don't know, ten years of my life

where I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

I mean, is that really too much to ask?

Yeah.

But didn't you say you'd found another flat?

Yeah, yeah, we found a new flat,

but we can't move in for, like, three weeks,

so we'll have to crash with this guy, Jesse.

Who's Jesse? Well, he's like my boyfriend. OK.

Except we're not together and I don't like him.

He's really hot, but he's awful, which is maybe why he's hot.

You know, cos I wouldn't want to fuck someone I respect.

TELEPHONE PINGS, ETHAN CHUCKLES

I wouldn't want to, like, come in Gandhi.

TELEPHONE PINGS Maybe when he was younger.

Younger than... dead.

I mean... You're on your phone. Sorry, sorry.

Yeah. My father, he just freaks out

if I don't respond to him immediately.

Daddy issues?

No. No, of course not. Sorry.

Yeah, me neither.

I don't want to be like... Sorry. Yeah, sorry.

Sorry. I'm not trying to be like, "My life's so hard."

Like, "Woe is me."

You know, I... I didn't live through Aids or whatever.

Wow. How old do you think I am?

But sometimes it's like life is hard. You know, life IS hard.

And maybe...

...maybe woe IS me.

Mm-hm.

It just feels like everything's already over.

Listen, maybe the feeling that you're experiencing isn't

a feeling that everything is over.

Maybe it's a feeling that everything's not over.

Not over - maybe that's it.

I mean, you're what, 24?

24, yeah. Jesus. That's, um...

That's young.

It's...

You know, it's, uh...

Sorry, I didn't...

I've actually got a real client in about 15 minutes.

So, do you want to do this? Yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. Yeah.

It's just when your...

when your bio said "therapist", with the waiting times and stuff,

I was like, "May as well." I was just, like... Shh-shh!

You know what you are? What?

You're... You're just a hole.

You're just a hole for daddy. Say that.

I'm just a hole for daddy. Yeah, yeah.

Good boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And you know what?

You're fine, OK?

Just so you know, you're fine mentally.

Great. You're valid. You're enough.

Now open your mouth, you little slut. Open it wide.

You're just a hole.

Guys!

I think I broke the wall somehow!

Why would you use a drill, Ethan? Drills are...

I don't know what drills are for,

but they're definitely not for removing a photo from the wall.

I don't know, the drill felt powerful.

It felt like, "This is MY wall," you know?

But it's not your wall. It's Susan's wall.

Oh, well, I'm sorry that I wanted to memorialise

the night where I met the two loves of my life

and everything changed forever.

LAUGHING: That's not even the night we met!

What? That night you got so drunk, you pissed on that car.

Yeah, and there were people in it, and they called the police.

It's clearly just a shit wall. You know, really,

we should be refusing to pay the deposit because the wall's so shit.

But it's... it's a deposit. We've already paid it.

Well, then we should sue her! Just fix it.

She's coming round tomorrow,

so we need to be done and out by tonight.

Yeah. Some of us really need that money.

We all really need that money.

No, but we need it for food, not vodka tonics and Hinge+.

I don't have Hinge+ any more!

Ethan wasn't stupid.

He had never imagined things would be easy,

but he had imagined more interesting difficulties.

Who the fuck uses condoms?

So, pre's at 21:00, and then 100 drinks,

two lines of coke and we head to the club for 11?

No drugs until you fix the wall, please.

OK! Hey, the new landlord just emailed.

They said we can probably move in by the 27th.

Oh, great! Wait, 27th is like a month.

I thought you said three weeks.

Is that what you told Jesse? Don't eat that!

I told Jesse two days, but that'll be fine.

He'll be distracted by his own abs.

Oh, my God, that is vile! Yeah, I told you.

Oh, also, we need proof of income before we can sign anything.

Ab, have you got those payslips? Yeah, yeah.

Sorry. Work are just slow doing it.

I'll, um... I'm going in later, so I'll ask.

Cool. Thanks. I thought we all took the day off to finish packing!

Well, no, cos I've got my review next week.

What exactly did you take the day off of?

OK! It's not my fault

that I got fired for being on my phone too much.

Yes, it is. Yeah, I think it is. I'm just...

I'm really, really glad you finally got fucked.

Well, I didn't really get fucked.

It hurts! Oh, my God, it hurts so much!

It stretches! I don't know how people do it.

It's like... It's like being impaled. It's insane.

I've made my peace with it.

I'm never gonna get raw-dog slammed by a huge monster cock.

Well, that's defeatist.

Have you told Jesse that you're sleeping with other people?

What? No! I don't need him to meticulously approve

every therapist I suck off to completion.

We're not Amish, OK? It's chill. We're casual.

I don't get your relationship.

I don't get your relationship either.

But I don't judge you for going out with Tom.

Yeah, you do. You do it all the time. You call him an incel.

Well...

Well, it's because he has a low libido.

Abi... What?! ..he's 32.

That's not healthy. Healthy?

You're about to go stay with your ex-girlfriend, so...

She's... We're friends.

I could not be friends with someone who cheated on me...

...because they'd be dead.

Because I'd have stabbed him to death.

Wait, you guys think that she cheated on me?

Does anyone know what caulk is?

Am I saying that right? Caulk? Zara didn't cheat on me.

We were in an open relationship.

We... We were in an open relationship.

Were you? Or were you definitely not in an open relationship?

No, no, we were in an open relationship.

We just hadn't had that specific conversation yet.

But it was subtext - open relationship.

Mm-hm. Sure.

I can't believe she's training to be a therapist now.

She's gonna be the worst therapist of all time.

My last therapist rimmed me... THEY CHUCKLE

...really well. THEY LAUGH

Abi and Sam are very impressive young women, aren't they?

Always seem to have everything... sorted.

What do you mean by that?

I just don't understand why you don't come home.

I mean, I've got a huge amount of your old stuff

I need you to sort through.

Yeah, that's partly why I'm not coming home!

Ethan! You said you'd be here an hour ago.

I know! Sorry! Hello! Have you lost your shirt?

Gosh, look at you. I'm sorry. I'm Sarah's mum, Ethan.

Er, Ethan's mum, Sarah.

I'm so pleased he finally has a boyfriend.

Uh... he's not my boyfriend.

What? What?

Ethan, it's not safe to live with someone that you don't know!

Thank you. That's all right.

I mean, he could be, like, a scammer or a mad axe murderer!

Look at him. Look at you.

Be realistic. Come on!

He's joking, Mum! We're very serious.

We're practically engaged.

We're trying for a baby. Oh, don't be disgusting, Ethan!

Sorry, that's not a... I mean, um, you'd have to adopt.

He'd have to adopt. You'd both have to adopt, wouldn't you?

But do be careful,

because a friend of mine's daughter got one that bites.

Right, well, this is an electric group.

Should we start a podcast? Well...

Ethan, please, can we just take this stuff upstairs?

I'm halfway through a self-tape for the live-action Ratatouille.

Gosh. What, topless? It's a reimagining.

Well, I'll, um... I'll leave you boys to it.

I suppose I have to let you make your own mistakes.

I do wish there weren't thousands of them all in a row.

Oh, call your father. His rash has come back.

I mean, half his bottom has flaked off!

OK, um...

Why is everything in bin bags?

Oh, you know, my life's trash, so...

Hey, Ethan...

...don't talk about yourself like that.

I was joking. Hey, can you take the rest of the stuff upstairs?

Cos I've got to go back and do some DIY shit.

No, I'm in the middle of a tape. I can't.

Please! I'm so sorry. I'll be back later.

I'll be drunk. Hey, look at me.

I love you. Oh, please stop saying that!

I'm joking!

SARAH: Why is this such a tight road?!

When Ethan's mother was 24,

she was already working her way up the ranks

of one of London's most prestigious law firms.

When Ethan's grandmother was 24,

she had just arrived in London as a refugee

and was already raising three young children.

When Ethan's great-grandmother was 24,

she had already contracted the polio that would later kill her.

The end times are upon us! Yeah, no shit!

Repent! Repent!

Now, THAT was living!

Babe, it's OK. You're just trying to find the right moment.

Stop being so hard on yourself. I need to tell them today.

We have to send over, like, proof of income and stuff this week.

They're gonna fucking hate me.

Sam's going to want to take space from our friendship,

and Ethan's going to bleach his hair again.

Oh, babe, listen,

I'm sure they've figured it out, OK?

They're smart people.

Annoying? Yes. Unbearable, even.

But they're smart.

Hey! Look around. We did it! We finessed it.

We finessed life. Endgame!

THEY BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY

Oh, no, babe, I'm late for bouldering.

We're learning a new grip.

Love you! Love you, Schmoop! Have a fun night out.

And keep Find My Friends on! DOOR CLOSES

I'll introduce you first.

You're gonna love it here.

Everybody, this is Sam. Hi! Sam, everybody. Hi, guys!

She's crashing for a few weeks. Hi, guys!

Sam! Zara's told me all about you.

I read your piece

about the political aesthetic of the Kardashians.

I couldn't agree more - obviously.

You know, Kim Kardashian is essentially a Blairite construction.

It's so fucking interesting.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

I showed them all your Substack...

Proud ex. ZARA CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Come on. So, in your analysis,

I noticed a glaring absence of Kourtney,

which I thought was great,

cos I find her really problematic, to be honest.

Yeah, right?! Definitely.

Oh, nice. Yeah, I used to be in this room.

Oh, my God, I love it.

I'm, like, actually so obsessed with exposed wood.

I tried to expose more wood in my last flat.

Sam, I'm... I'm really grateful you're here.

This feels like a really important moment for us,

as old loves and new friends and...

...and housemates.

And Leon will explain the anarchist politics of the space to you.

Yeah, and I'll also chat to you about payment deadlines and stuff.

Just cos this is, like...

At its core of this space, it's a liberationist environment.

In order to have that, you just need to be keeping

an eye on Monzo requests, Splitwise and that kind of thing.

OK.

OK.

This is my wall.

TELEPHONE SPEAKER: Step one -

we're gonna take our patch and apply it to the wall.

Two - be as generous as you like in this scenario.

For this job, we're going to need some multipurpose Polyfilla.

You want to sand it down until it's really smooth

and you should be able to paint at that point.

TELEPHONE SPEAKER: If you're watching this before September the 1st,

you're about to have a lucky girl September.

They are really tailored.

Escucha las palabras de las brujas!

Escuch... TELEPHONE PINGS

SAM: Ethan, where the fuck are you?

ABI: Ethan, come on! What the fuck? Oh, fuck.

Where are you? This was your idea!

ETHAN GASPS

Fuck!

Amazing outfit. You look really... I'll see you in there.

I just need to squeeze through. Sorry, I'm playing.

Sorry, I'm DJing, I'm DJing. It's my friend's...

Oh, my God! Hi! Sorry!

Oh, my God, what the fuck?! I'm sorry.

Where the fuck have you been? This was your idea.

I know! You missed pre's.

We had baby Guinnesses and now you're not in the Instagram.

But I caught up on the Tube.

I had, like, ten BuzzBallz and now I feel electric!

Also, look what I found in my wallet. Ethan!

I think it's cocaine. It's white.

Yeah, but, like, six people die from every kilo of cocaine made,

you know? Yeah, but a kilo's, like, a lot, right?

Everyone here is a gay guy. You said it was gonna be diverse.

I thought you meant racially. OK, well, it's not that either.

All right, can we pick up the vibe, please?

I'm so ready to mourn our old flat

by throwing myself at someone on steroids.

Please, please, please, please, please!

When was the last time we went out as a three?

Is it all right if Tom comes?

He said he's round the corner.

I didn't know there was a squash court nearby.

Oh, pack it in!

I never thought I'd see Tom at Slut Pig.

Slut Pig?!

It's really hot. It's really hot.

Am I gonna be OK getting in?

Because obviously, I'm not gay, so...

Everyone's a bit gay!

No, I'm not, and neither are you. Sh!

Guys, we haven't moved!

It's one in, one out, and it's �20 on the door. It's �20?!

Oh, my God, that's why this crowd is like this.

Nobody's creative or interesting here.

Neither are we. Can we just go somewhere else?

No, guys! Seriously, this is one of the coolest club nights in London,

I promise.

Charlie! Hey, it's Tom! Looking ripped, man!

That's Charlie from bouldering.

He does compliance for HSBC.

No, please, we can't bail!

I've done coke which people died to make!

There's nothing open.

Nothing open?! No. Guys, this is pointless.

Let's just go back to Slut Pig. Oh, my God! No!

That fucking place smelled like gonorrhoea.

Yeah, I'm not contracting something antibiotic-resistant this week.

Guys, shall we just call it a night?

I've... I'm so broke until we get that deposit back, anyway.

We're not getting the deposit back, obviously!

Why?

Oh, my God, Ethan, did you not fix the hole?

I think I'm dyspraxic.

I could never catch a ball and I don't know how to spell.

I'm sorry. I will pay you back. Obviously I'll pay you back.

Are you fucking serious?! I don't know how to fix a wall!

I'm not... Bear Grylls!

You just use gauze and you spray caulk all over it.

Fucking hell, you guys are entitled!

God, no wonder Abi doesn't want to live with you any more.

WHISPERS: Tom... What?

TOM! What? I haven't...

What, you haven't told them?

What? Oh, babe, come on!

She is sick to fucking death of you pushing her around! OK?

Babe, you can tell them. They're fucking adults.

What did you just call me? Abi, we don't push you around.

Tell him we don't fucking push you around!

I never said that.

I'll order us a cab, bab. What?

What, you're just gonna live with Tom, then?

And what, get married

and drink flat whites and eat tapas?!

And make a baby out of your cum and your eggs?!

Well, you can't live in your 20s forever.

You're fucking in them! We're all fucking in our 20s!

When the fuck were you gonna tell us this, Ab?

Huh?

We have to sign the contract in a fucking week!

We can't do that without you. We don't have proper jobs!

Whose fault's that?!

Excuse me, people are trying to sleep!

Oh, my God, it's Friday night in London!

Move back to Surrey and leave the interesting people alone.

I'm so sorry.

So sorry. That's you. See her? That's who you are now!

Whoa, whoa! Back off! That's who you are! Back the fuck off!

Babe, you look nothing like that, OK?

Nothing. CAR HORN HONKS

OK, cab's here. Come on.

I'm sorry.

I want to live somewhere where I can have people over

and we can have them Negroni Sbagliato things.

And, you know, maybe I could do a post about it on my Instagram.

And the girls who I went to school with will see it,

and they'll go, "Oh, wow, look at her go!

"Abi's really living in London and has this amazing life,

"and we should all just give up!"

Well, that's fucking sad.

You want to pretend like you're an adult?

Well, it's better than pretending I'm a child.

Babe...

CAR HORN HONKS Babe, come on!

I mean, the cab's here.

My Uber rating's important to me, babe. All right!

I'm sorry!

Well, that's worse than not fixing the wall.

Where are you going?! I'm getting the fucking bus!

I hate the bus!

We'll start looking for two-beds.

I know the Brockley place was nice, but I think we can...

I can't believe you didn't fix the hole.

I'm sorry, genuinely.

I wasn't being a cunt.

I just wasn't... thinking about anything.

A lot of the times, it's the same thing.

What?

I'm gonna go back to the warehouse.

But I found a Spoons that's open!

Not tonight.

When Ethan's great-grandfather was 24,

he had already helped carpet-bomb Dresden.

When Ethan's grandfather was 24,

he had already married the love of his life,

the only woman he had ever or would ever kiss.

Jesse, can you wait up for me?

I think I left my keys.

I'm, like, rock hard on the bus.

I'm, like, horny as fuck.

So, like...

...stay awake, yeah?

When Ethan's father was 24,

he was out at a bar when he, by chance,

caught eyes with the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.

Just a few short weeks later,

that woman introduced him to Ethan's mother.

Fuck, you look good.

Where the fuck have you been?

I want you to fuck me like I'm nothing.

Wait, I fuck YOU?

Now, THAT was living.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Ow, ow, ow! Are you OK? Cos it's barely in.

Yeah, yeah, no, it feels amazing, apart from the pain.

OK, yeah, I'm sort of losing my boner here. Fuck!

Say something mean to me. Um...

Uh, I don't think you douched properly.

Not like that! I don't know if you have!

It's fine. I haven't eaten all day apart from, like, one kebab.

A kebab?! Yeah.

Uh, spit in my mouth.

Um... OK. Spit in my mouth.

Like that? No!

Spit on my face! Like, spit on...

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, Jesse!

Pull out! What? I'm not even in!

Fucking blinded me!

Not in my fucking eye! Fucking...

Here! I can't see it!

Great!

Friendship changes when you're older.

Things end, you know? It sounds healthy to me.

"Healthy - that's healthy! This is healthy!"

When did everyone become a fucking doctor?

It's so hot in here, Jesse.

Where are you gonna live now, hmm?

Back with your parents?

Fuck, no. I'll just stay here

until me and Sam can find, like, a penthouse or a bin or something.

I feel dizzy.

I feel like the coke lied to me and it was ket the whole time.

Ethan, Ethan, Ethan, Ethan, Ethan... Yeah?

I feel like maybe we're not on the same page about this situation.

This situation? Yeah, we are. Mm-hm?

Yeah, you can still fuck people in the bed.

Like, I don't care.

Like, you don't even need to wash the sheets.

I don't have a sense of smell ever since I walked into the glass door

of that doughnut place. Sure, but I would wash the sheets,

cos they're linen.

Is that good or bad? Find somewhere else to stay.

But you...

You said I could...

Ethan, I said you could stay for a couple of nights.

But this energy you're bringing, it's really, uh...

Mm, yeah, it's really not my vibe. OK, OK.

I'm under a lot of pressure at the moment.

My nephew's in ICU,

and I just hit 30K on Instagram, so...

That's amazing.

We're not even together, Ethan.

Look, you can't live here.

Um, I'm sorry, I just feel really, like...

GURGLING

Ethan?

Fuck! Oh, for fuck's sake.

I... I am... I'm just... I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna go.

I didn't mean leave now, Ethan!

Where shall I send your stuff? DOOR CLOSES

By most standards,

Ethan had one of the easiest lives in recorded human history.

But by his own standards, Ethan was fucked.

He was fucked.

Everyone he knew was fucked.

The world itself - the whole world - was irredeemably fucked.

DOOR CLOSES

Jesse kicked me out.

Let's...

Let's just one thing at a time.

Yeah.

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

All right, step aside, I've got the proper stuff.

Someone in the warehouse does woodworking.

Yeah, that makes... a lot of sense.

It seemed inevitable that things would only get

exponentially more fucked, day after fucked day, until death.

And yet...

Guys, I feel really guilty. Yeah, me too.

OK, well,

that doesn't really help anything, does it?

God, imagine if it did.

Then everything would be fine.

Everything IS fine...

...idiot.

And yet...

Can I stay with one of you tonight?

♪ You drive my car, I drive your dick

♪ And I don't care if we fall off the cliff

♪ You drive my car, I drive your dick

♪ And I don't care if we fall off the cliff

♪ When I moan in your car

♪ I call that ASMR

♪ You love it when I moan in your car

♪ I call that ASMR... ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media