Original subtitles

Gay! How nice of you to drop in. Drop in, indeed.

You told me to be here at three o'clock sharp.

Oh, did I?

Well, I hope you're going to make it worth my while.

Maybe.

I want to ask you some questions about your late Aunt Christabel's will.

Ask away.

Did you know that she instructed the firm of Lockett and Prout to draft a new

will for her just before she died?

Yes. How do you know?

You tell me.

Oh, did I?

Oh.

But your aunt never mentioned it to you.

No. So you don't know what's in the will?

No, do you?

Yes. And why ask me?

I was just trying to find out if you were hiding something from me.

Oh, Hubert, stop teasing me.

Has she cut me off without a penny?

No.

You see, your aunt has been dead now for six months. And as they haven't

discovered a will or a draft of a will, Lockett and Pratt think it safe to

assume that she never made one. In other words, that she died intested.

Intested? Is that good?

For you, yes.

You mean I do get some money?

After the necessary legal formalities, yes.

How much?

Between 20 and 30,000 pounds, including the house which you already have.

How much?

Why, that's wonderful.

Do you mind if I ring up Pell? Of course not.

Get me Mr. Butterworth, will you please?

No. I can't tell him now.

I want to see his face when I surprise him.

I think I'm going to have hysterics.

Fancy me being rich.

It's an awful lot of money. Now, you're not to blue it all at once.

Of course not.

Now, we can pay off all our debts in one fell swoop.

You've got many.

I can't thank you enough, Hubert.

Oh, don't thank me. Thank Aunt Christabel.

Dear Aunt Christabel.

Oh, Hubert.

While we're on the subject, you...

You don't think you'd be able to advance me a little on account, could you?

I think perhaps I could.

Now, you ought to promise me you won't be extravagant. Of course I promise you.

I'll be terribly economical.

Really, I will.

Staying here long?

Hello Cooey Wow,

I bet you didn't get that out of housekeeping

We should mend it.

Where'd you get it? Present from Aunt Christabel.

The young girl's taste is improving.

Micah and darling, this is for you.

Cigars? Aunt Christabel again?

How did you guess?

She's dead, isn't she?

What's the whole point, darling? I've just come from seeing Hubert. She's left

us all her money. At least... She didn't leave it to us, but she didn't leave it

to anyone else. So we've got it.

Well, isn't that good?

No more squabbles about money. But darling, what are you doing just sitting

there? Go upstairs and get changed. And Hubert's given us enough money on

account to go out and celebrate.

Go on.

We're going to be rich.

Now we're rich, we can get someone in to mend that stairwell.

Mrs. Rockefeller.

Go upstairs and get changed.

Yes, ma'am.

No, darling.

This one.

Good evening, madam.

But gay, a joke's a joke. Good evening, sir.

To the San Marco. But gay.

It's all right, darling.

It's only on April.

Just for this evening.

Dear Aunt Christabel.

There we are. It's a good boy night. Yes, I know. Mother's looking for me

now. The light. It's an option, champagne.

Yes.

There we are. Go along now. May I have the next dodge?

No, no, certainly not. No, no, no.

One little try.

No. No. No.

Time, gentlemen.

Go on.

Have some breakfast.

Have some coffee, darling.

Then we better stop making out that list.

Well,

I promised Hubert we'd be businesslike about all those bills.

Come on, darling.

under three headings, yours, mine, and ours.

What's Army and Navy stores, £9.15?

That's the last lot of gin we bought before we decided to give up drinking.

Oh, yes, I remember. And what's Fortnum and Mason, £19.10?

It's the first lot of gin we bought after we decided we couldn't give up

drinking.

Aubrey Mallet cigars. What do you want to send Aubrey Mallet cigars for?

He gave me a tip that some shares would go up before Christmas.

Did they? Then why did you pay them for an out of profit?

Because they went down again after Christmas.

Must we do all this today?

Not if you don't want to.

I know what you want.

The hair of the dog that bit you.

Don't make all that noise.

It won't shut. It never does.

It should do more than this.

I'll see to it.

I'll get you that brandy and soda.

Darling, there's no brandy.

Gin and tonic, Joe.

Sorry, darling, there's no gin.

What about a vermouth and Angostura?

ghastly mixture.

Still, it'll make you feel better.

And when you're dressed, you can get on the phone and order all the brandy you

want.

What's that?

Nothing. If it's another bill, there's no need to hide it.

I'm not hiding it.

Well, then why the guilty look?

I find it in the back of the drawer.

Oh, pearly.

It isn't.

It's a draft they were looking for. Our auntie's last will and testament.

She signed it on the back.

Oh, pal.

Does that mean I don't get anything?

You keep the house, but you don't get any money.

Pal.

I'm not at all sure we were meant to find this.

Do you mean that auntie may have intended to destroy it?

Well, everything points to that.

I mean, it seems a little hard on poor Auntie that a will she meant to destroy

should come to light just because you were rather clumsy with the drawer.

I was wondering when you'd get around to blaming me for it.

Oh, darling, I'm not blaming you. I mean, we mightn't have found this bit of

paper for ten years.

We might never have found it. The point is, what are we going to do about it?

Pell. Hmm?

Do you have a match?

Look, suppression of a will is a criminal offense.

But...

No. Oh, hell.

What are we going to do?

There's only one thing to do.

Telephone to her mother, Hubert.

And subject thereto, my trustees shall pay the income of the remainder of my

estate to my niece, Gabriel Butterworth, during her life.

Oh, I do get some money, then. You get the interest on the capital during the

lifetime.

How interesting is that?

Well, let's take a 25,000 and 3.5% trustee's stock. Let's see, that should

be... 875 a year, 16.10 a week.

Oh.

Precisely. Yes, but then you've forgotten the estate duty, the trustee's

expenses and income tax. That should reduce it to... 450 per annum.

How long would it take to pay off our debts at that rate?

Four or five years.

But... Could we sell some shares or something? Only at the discretion of

your trustees.

Listen. The trustees may raise one half of the capital and may pay or apply the

same for the common maintenance, education and benefit of my said niece's

children. Children? But we haven't got any children.

And I further declare that if my niece's husband shall die during her lifetime...

This is the most morbid will I've ever heard of. ...or if she shall divorce him

by reason of his infidelity or desertion. But I don't want a divorce,

pal. Well, in any of these events, if the trustees consider that your income

is insufficient, they are entitled to transfer half the capital to you.

I think Aunt Christopher must have been out of her tiny mind when she made that

well. Very probably.

Lane could find it rather difficult and rather expensive to prove that now.

Cheer up, darling. It's no use crying over spilt milk.

I'm not.

I'm just thinking about all the milk I spilt yesterday.

Darling, what's 312 pounds plus 68?

380.

And 380 away from 52?

A crafty talk with a bank manager or six months in clink.

It's no use, darling. We can't run this house any longer on your income.

Thank you not to make disparaging remarks about my income.

I'm not. It's a very nice little income. But it's not just big enough, that's

all. And it's this house. It's too big.

Why don't we sell the house and move into a flat?

Because if you wouldn't get anything for the lease, only three years of it to

run. Then we must make the house earn money for us. I mean, people will pay

almost anything for nicely furnished rooms with divans, won't they?

We haven't got any divans.

Then we must buy some.

And what will you use for money?

I'll call in that little man from Swallow Passage.

Perhaps he'll take the bureau and the Florentine mirror in part exchange.

Not the bureau.

Not my bureau.

I will not allow it.

Yes, that's right. It was I who advertised in the Times this morning.

It's a window of a place between the park and Harrods.

It is.

Very centrally placed.

Well, actually, there are three rooms, but you don't have to take them all.

No, you'd have to share a bath.

Yes, with my husband.

But he's out all day.

Would you be out all day?

What? Oh, how do you mean? Out all night?

Oh, I see.

For a moment, I couldn't think why you ordered a bedroom.

Very well, then.

Four o'clock tomorrow.

Goodbye.

There. What do you think of that? The advertisement appeared in the Times only

this morning, and I practically left the room already.

Male or female?

Female.

Hmm. I must write her name down. It sounded something like dressing gown.

She sounds very nice.

With a name like that, how do you know?

A woman's instinct.

Come in.

The removal men are outside.

They want their money.

And if you ask... Yes, Mrs. Weathers. Pell, would you?

a profession is.

It couldn't be better. She says it takes her out almost every night.

Then it probably isn't what she says it is.

She's a dance instructress. She partners men to dancers.

Really, Gay, how can you be so simple?

You don't really think... Oh, well, even if you are right, that's all the more

reason to give her a nice warm room and a well-sprung mattress.

Now, Gay... We're waiting, sir.

What?

Ready?

Money, money.

They worked hard for it.

Somebody

at

the front door.

Must have got the wrong house.

You better go, darling.

Must you put on the light?

And who are you?

I live here.

And the lady Butterworth, where is she?

She's upstairs.

What do you want?

I speak nothing to you. Go tell her I am here.

Go!

There's a lunatic downstairs. No, darling. It's Mr. Malika. I'd forgotten.

He said he'd be here at 9.30.

No, darling, he's not.

He's the prospective tenant for the second floor flat.

He's a foreigner.

I know, darling. Isn't it romantic?

One more floor.

One more floor.

Microphone?

There is no gas ring.

No, no, I'm afraid not, but we could have one put in if you like.

I would like. Is essential.

Is not more money, no?

Oh, no, no, I shouldn't think so. By the way, you can see the top of Olympia from

here on a fine day.

Is that good?

Can't do any harm, can it?

What did you say you did?

I did not say, but I will say now.

I came to this country to form a new political party.

The Truth Party.

Sounds pretty novel.

Your government do not like it. It embarrasses them.

They say you have too many parties already.

Well, honestly, don't you think we have?

That's the bathroom.

So? You'd have to share it with my husband.

He can be trusted?

I hope so.

Darling, this is Mr. Malik.

Malik. Theodore Malik. How do you do?

How do you do? What?

Your room is charming.

Also, your wife. But I'm only letting the room. That is understood.

I like very much the view of Olympia, but it's too expensive.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I suggest to your wife that she take the furniture out and she make a reduction.

But she say no.

I say no, too.

Very well.

I will think about it.

Good night.

I'll see you out.

No struggling.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Butterworth is expecting me.

I've come about the room.

Name? Miss Cressington.

All right, Mrs. Withers.

Thank you.

Ah, good afternoon, Miss Cressington. Oh, yes, of course, Miss Cressington.

Well, if you'd like to follow me, I'll show you the room. How sweet.

Yes.

I'm so glad you found your way. So am I. Such a nice district.

I'm sure it'll suit me to a tee.

I'm a great believer in first impressions, aren't you?

First love and all.

Hey, I cleaned out the... Oh, this is my husband.

This is Miss Dressingham.

Gressingdon. How do you do?

This way.

Well, it's really very cozy and so artistic.

It used to be our room, but we had to move upstairs.

Oh, I have an eye for anything artistic, and I can tell you have too.

May I?

Yes, do.

I hope you don't mind me asking you, but you won't be giving any dancing lessons

here, will you? Of course not.

I have a sweet little studio off Queensway.

Oh, it sounds very interesting work.

Oh, it is.

It is.

This afternoon, for instance, one of my gentlemen, quite an elderly gentleman,

well, it seems he's taken a fancy for a lady much younger than himself. So he's

coming to me for a refresher course.

And he's promised me double fees if I can polish his rumba before they go to

Paris next month.

People are so very kind.

I told you, didn't I, that you'd have to share the bathroom with my husband?

Oh, yes, I remember.

I'm sure we shall get on terribly well together.

May I? My card.

You never know, do you?

Shall I expect you on Monday? Oh, yes, please.

Will 10 o'clock be convenient?

Of course.

Au revoir.

Oh, excuse me. It's all right, Mrs. Withers.

Is anyone hurt?

No, it's you.

Good afternoon.

Mr. Malick, you should have let me help you.

No, it does not pay to accept help from those to whom you are

already indebted.

Well, I...

Oh, really, it must be good. We'll see you on Monday. Of course.

Goodbye. Au revoir.

All right, sure.

Excuse me.

I'm Mrs.

Compton-Chamberlain.

We've come about the furnished room.

Are we at the right place?

It's all right. You can come in now.

Where to, Mrs.?

It's all Charles Edwards.

My husband, you know. He never goes out. He likes to enjoy himself at home.

It's an ambulance!

Yes, it's Charles Edward.

Want any help, darling?

Perfect timing.

You know, we never wash up on Sunday after lunch.

Are we going out or going to sleep?

Is it raining?

No. Let's go to sleep. Come on over here.

No, thanks. If I don't lie down, I don't feel quite so awful when I wake up. I

don't know why you don't lie down if you always feel awful when you wake up.

You're lovely giving in.

You know, a woman writes to this paper...

Say, she's the third generation to be born in a thunderstorm.

Really? I've recently formed a friendship with an electrical engineer,

and I'm wondering, is this love or some hereditary reaction that I don't

understand?

Perhaps you're right.

What's that?

The Compton Chamberlain's, I expect.

Shall I go up and ask him to turn it down? Yes, do.

No, no, no, no, no.

Come in.

Come in.

Oh, Mr. Butterworth, I came down to apologize for that noise just now. It

was Charles Edward, of course.

He'd forgotten it was Sunday, that and being a little deaf.

That's all right, Mrs. Camberwell.

Would you mind if I tried with the door shut?

Of course.

We can't complain of that much, can we, pal?

Now, you mustn't hesitate to say if you think it's too loud.

Charles Edward and I would hate to be nuisances.

You're no trouble at all, Mrs. Chesterfield.

Oh, dear.

Oh, what is he up to? Charles Edward.

Charles Edward.

Stop it.

You can't blame the old chap, darling. He's used to the wide open spaces of

India. No wonder the Indians chucked us out.

I just came to tell you it's not poor Charles Edward.

It's that Miss Cressingham.

Extraordinary woman.

I'll see if I can get her to turn the volume down.

No, I just really care.

What is it?

This dressing gown. Something went wrong with her volume control, and it wouldn't

stop. Why couldn't she take something for it?

It seems to have stopped now, and I said you'd go up and fix it for her. Oh,

dear. Well, tell her I'm too busy.

But, pal.

Okay.

We've had nothing but interruptions all afternoon, and now I'm expected to be a

wireless mechanic as well. What do we get out of it all in the end? That's

what I ask myself.

Threats, darling.

It's just that we don't. We haven't collected for weeks.

But I... I will, tomorrow.

I promise. Oh, so you do, darling.

And the next time you get a PG, darling... PG?

A paying guest, darling. The next time you get a PG, darling, make sure you get

a ruddy PG. You can ruddy well afford to be a PG, darling.

Hello? Who is that?

Miss Frost.

Miss Frost?

Yes.

The room is still vacant.

What room?

Yes. Bedroom?

Yes.

Well, where are we going to sleep? In the garage?

Of course.

One month in advance.

One month in advance.

Very well, then.

Next weekend.

That'll be marvelous.

Goodbye.

My den.

Not my den.

There you are, Mrs. Butterworth. I was looking for you. I was afraid you were

out. No, only upstairs.

I just wanted to give you the rent.

I would have slipped it under the door, but I'm afraid I want to ask you for

some change.

Oh, well, not at all. Come in.

I'll get you the change.

Thank you.

Oh, how lovely.

I just want to get the rent book.

How ingenious are you to have made this part of the room into a bedroom?

Yes, well, we did that so that we'd have room for extra letting.

May I take a peek? Yes, do.

Charming.

Twin beds, I notice.

Did you have them from the beginning?

From the beginning?

Since you were first married, I mean.

Oh, yes, we've always had them. How wise.

May I?

Yes, do.

So many of my gentlemen, well, not mine, of course, but I call them that, have

confided in me that the first fly in the matrimonial ointment, as it were, is the

decision to end the era of the double bed.

But if love can't bridge a gap of three feet or so, I say, well... Tell me, how

do you come to be so very knowledgeable about all these things?

Not from personal experience, I can assure you, but there must be something

about me.

Men confide in me.

I've often thought if I could put my knowledge of the husbands at the

disposal of the wives, I could save a lot of broken marriages.

Are most wives so dim about their husbands?

Oh, yes, dear.

The good, faithful ones are.

From what I hear... May I?

From what I hear, there are only two kinds of wives.

Those who want to keep their husbands and don't know how.

And those who know how, but...

particularly want to.

Why should one have to think about how to keep a husband? I mean, if I thought

Pell wanted to leave me, I wouldn't lift a finger to stop him.

Oh, you only say that because you know he hasn't got the slightest inclination

to. Oh, my dear, you don't know how lucky you are to have a husband who

comes home regularly at six every evening.

Hello, my darling.

Hello.

Had a busy day?

Oh, pretty foul.

As I came in, Malick was going out.

What about it?

What about it? Well, he deliberately avoided me. Walked straight past me.

The rent.

Miss Conner, have you done anything about the rent? Yes, yes, Miss

Pressington paid. What about the others? Well, they were all out, darling. Well,

Malick was in.

Well, he must have slipped in while I was down. What about the Compton

Cheevleys? Who?

The Compton Cheevleys. Oh, darling.

Let's discuss this, not while I'm doing the dinner. Well, I want to know where

we stand before you get the dinner. Where are the rent books?

In the drawer on the sideboard.

There.

Just as I thought. With the exception of old dressing dials, everybody in this

house owes us money. I tell you, I am not going to go on running this house as

a charitable institution.

Those who can't pay must go.

You mean lose all our tenants? If necessary, yes.

Did you imagine we'd be able to let all these rooms again in a moment, just like

that? Of course we could.

Why not? Not at the rents we're getting. You mean the rents we're not getting?

The Chestertons haven't paid for six weeks.

Oh, the Chamberlains.

All right, and Theodore Molitor.

Malick. He hasn't paid at all.

Oh, he promised he would next week.

I tell you, dear, I'm not going to go on letting rooms for nothing. I think

you're perfectly horrible. You just stand in there and do nothing but

grumble. Well, I bet it was your idea, not mine.

And a jolly good idea it was, too. At least it got the worst of our bills

paid. What about all the new ones?

All those divan beds are getting the rooms turned into bedsits. What about

them? Have any of those bills been paid?

No. Exactly.

What have we achieved out of three months of letting rooms for nothing

except that now we've got 1,500 pounds worth of desks instead of 500?

I hope you're satisfied.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Did I hurt you?

No, you just took me by surprise, that's all.

You're sure?

Oh, I thought I'd find Mrs. Butterworth here.

Well, I'm Mr. Butterworth.

Oh, how do you do? I'm Juliet Frost.

How do you do?

Second floor back.

Second floor back.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, my wife told me.

I came to ask where the milk was kept.

The milk?

Oh, that would be in the kitchen.

Ah, the kitchen.

And where's the kitchen?

The kitchen? Yes, uh...

Must be here somewhere.

Ah, yes, yes, downstairs.

What about the larder?

Yes, that's a very good idea.

What a very good idea.

Not at all.

Look, large or small?

Large.

Thank you.

You see, I asked a friend to drop in tonight and she takes milk and her

coffee.

There's nothing else I can do for you. Oh, no, nothing at all, thank you.

You've been very kind.

We like to make our guests...

Feel comfortable?

Yes, I'm sure I'm going to love it here.

Your room comfortable?

Oh, it's beautiful, thank you.

You must come and visit it sometime.

Second floor, back.

Good night.

Good night.

What was she doing down in the kitchen anyway?

She wanted some milk.

Did she go into the larder with you?

Yeah.

Why?

I just wondered how you managed.

There's not much room for two.

She's very slim.

She's got a job of any sort.

Yes, she models.

Artists? No, clothes.

Good night.

Good night.

Pell, I've been thinking.

That's a change.

I've been thinking about all those new bills.

Yeah?

And I'm prepared to do the only thing I can to make it up. What's that?

Divorce you.

Divorce me?

I shan't like doing it. I mean, in fact, it's not the sort of thing I'd do for

anyone else. But don't be silly, eh? I mean, just because we don't see eye to

eye over certain of the tenants.

Darling, I'm not being silly.

But... Don't you remember Aunt Christabel's will? It said if I divorced

you, I could go to my solicitors and demand half my capital.

Oh, you don't think I'd take it?

Yes, darling.

Well, even if I did, I mean, what then?

Well, then we could get married again.

After a decent interval, of course.

Now, why didn't I think of that before?

You didn't think of it now.

But are you quite willing for me to go off with some other woman?

Hey, it wouldn't bother you, me being unfaithful to you? Not if I knew it was

only in fun.

Oh, it's only in fun, is it?

You know, it's going to be awfully difficult to convince everyone that

you've done it. Why?

Well, I... I don't know. You don't look the type somehow.

What looks have got nothing to do with it.

I know, darling. That's why I married you.

Now, you go and get cleaned up. Hubert and Janet are coming to tea, so hurry

up. They're going to take us to the pictures.

Is this a serious proposal?

Of course.

Aunt Cristabel left us a loophole.

Let's take it.

All right.

If you're willing, I am.

All right.

The trouble is, you know, we've always appeared to be rather a devoted couple.

We shall have to start being discontented and irritable.

Both of us or only me?

Well, mainly you, because I shall be thinking about the other woman.

Let's start on Hubert and Janet.

When they come, you must be lying down.

With a headache. Why have I got a headache?

Because you were awake half the night waiting for me to come home.

What time did you come home?

About three.

The worst for drink?

No, but very, very tired.

That's why I've got the headache.

Gail, sorry to hear you're not feeling well, darling.

Nothing serious, I hope. No, no, only a headache.

I haven't been sleeping very well.

I'll go and make some tea.

No, no, no, stay where you are. I suppose I'll have to make it as usual.

Well, look, Gay, just say the word and we'll push off. I mean, we don't want to

worry you.

Oh, Hubert!

Gay!

Please, don't take any notice. It's only my nerves. Your nerves? Well, I haven't

been sleeping very well.

Look, is there really something wrong?

Please, I don't want to talk about it. There's nothing wrong between you and

old Pell, is there?

All right, we won't press you. But anyway, I'm sure if there were, it

wouldn't be serious.

How can you be sure?

Well, because I know you and I know Opel. I've never seen a more devoted

couple. I suppose it's a sign of devotion that he came home last night at

three o'clock this morning.

He did.

Ten past, to be exact.

Well, he was probably out with the boys.

There was no boy he was out with. Are you sure of that?

Quite sure.

He hadn't even bothered to take the lipstick off his chin.

Probably drunk.

No. Only very, very tired.

Oh, my head!

Oh, I must get an aspirin, if you'll excuse me.

Come in.

And who are you?

I'm a friend of Mr. and Mrs. Bosworth.

Can I help you?

Yes.

Do you have change of one-half crown, no?

Yes, I expect, sir.

T's ready. Let me give you a hand.

Where's Gay?

Going to get an aspirin.

Who was that?

Who? Oh, one of the PGs.

How are they? Who?

The PGs.

Oh, they're not.

Not what? Not PGs.

What do you mean? Not pay.

Why don't you throw them out?

Well, I would, dear chap, but it's Gay.

There she is.

How am I?

That's what I want to know. How am I?

Obstinate.

Thank you.

Mule-ish.

That's charming. Extravagant and exasperating.

Come in!

Oh,

I'm sorry for intruding.

Not at all. Come right in.

Actually, I came to explain about the rent.

The rent.

Oh, yes, yes, the rent, yes.

I'm... Terribly sorry, but my money won't be through for a couple of days.

Oh, that's all right.

Don't let that bother you at all.

Thank you.

It's embarrassing.

Goodbye. Bye.

This charming girl.

Hubert's. Is she? Lucky chap.

Do you have a divorce department in your office, Hubert?

We handle divorce, yes.

Good.

Isn't it a miserable day?

Have you noticed how it always rains on Sundays?

Yes, doesn't it?

I don't know.

The last three Sundays have been fine.

There was a play called that, wasn't there?

Called what?

It always rains on Sundays.

Film. I thought it was a play.

It was a film.

I don't think you're right.

I know I'm right.

There's no need to be so aggressive about it.

I'm just as likely to be right as you are. That's just what you're not.

She hardly ever goes to the cinema. I do.

You went to a film last night, I suppose.

Oh, shut up about last night. We're discussing a film called It Never Rains

on Saturday. It always rains on Sunday.

Play.

Film?

Hubert, Janet, I'm right, aren't I? It was a film. Well, I really don't know.

Do you, Hubert?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

It's a matter of no importance.

The more you make such a fuss about it!

You'll have to excuse her. She's always like this when she's mad.

Yeah, well, I really think we'd better be going, don't you? I think we should.

We shan't get a seat unless we're early.

Goodbye, Katie. I hope you'll be better tomorrow.

Goodbye, Janet, darling. Goodbye, Katie.

Goodbye. And, Hubert, if I want your professional advice, may I ring you up?

Yes, of course.

Goodbye, Gail.

Goodbye.

How was I? Darling, you were

marvellous. The sort of wife any husband would run a mile from.

Was I really?

You were certainly well. I was halfway to the divorce court already.

Oh, pal, how wonderful.

Janet forgot her...

Gloves.

I'm so glad you two have patched it up.

I thought you would, though.

I...

You

know, it's going to be awfully difficult, pal.

I know.

All I've got to do is...

Play the cad who deceives a trusting wife by going off with some flashy bit

of goods.

I don't think she should be too flashy.

Why not?

I don't think you'd be attracted by the flashy type.

Or would you?

Would you, pal?

Well, I don't see myself going off with some prim little woman.

Well, this house is full of strange women.

I suppose I start by taking one of them out.

You wouldn't be thinking of the girl with the milk by any chance.

That's not a bad idea.

It's a very bad idea. We know nothing about her at all. No, we've got to be

very careful who we choose.

Take out references, you mean.

Well, it would be nice to have someone in the house.

Someone I could keep an eye on.

Somebody that everybody else would think you would fall for, but I know you

wouldn't. Someone like...

Like this dressing gown.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I have a heartache.

Yes, sir.

No.

Well, perhaps you prefer to play the part of the deceived husband and let me

be the guilty party.

Butterworth, what luck! I was just coming down to ask your help. Yes?

It's my iron.

I think it's... Well, I think it's... I really don't know.

Oh, in that case, it's Mr. Butterworth you want. He's the electrical genius.

Well, if you don't think I'd be... No, not at all.

I'll send him up to you.

As a matter of fact, I think he wanted to see you about taking some dancing

lessons. Oh, thank you.

Oh, Mrs. Butterworth. Oh, Mrs.

Chamberlain, I wonder if you'd be kind enough to do something for me. I've had

some bad news.

Oh, not Mr. Butterworth. No, it's my aunt.

She's been taken ill and the doctor's just phoned and he thinks I should be

with her. Oh, of course. So if you'd be kind enough to tell Pelham when he comes

in that I've gone and I hope to be back tomorrow morning.

Oh, that is if she's all right, of course. Oh, certainly.

Is there anything else I can do? No, thank you. I'm just going to take these

books up to Mr. Malick and then I must fly.

Goodbye.

One minute, please.

Oh, Madame Gay, it is you.

Well, I just wanted to return these.

May I come in?

Please.

I... I'm afraid we've kept them rather a long time, but my...

Husband has never found politics.

Easy reading.

But you, you have read them, yes. You are going to join my... Well, that's

actually what I wanted to tell you. You see, Pell says we couldn't possibly

afford it.

I should not have accepted the gas ring.

Oh, no, Theodore. If we economize anywhere, it must be on Pell's dancing

lessons. They are fearfully expensive.

Uh-huh.

He is with that woman tonight, huh?

He is no good to you, your husband.

One day you want, I should have him.

Oh, no, Theodore.

Why not?

Then he wouldn't be any good to anyone.

Would he?

I do not understand you.

You attract me. I want to be your lover. Well, it's very sweet of you, but... You

have not made up your mind, no? No, no.

You English women are all the same. You take so long to make up your mind. When

you do, the opportunity is gone.

Well, you see, I'm not actually in need of a lover at the moment.

Aha.

You already have one.

Oh, no, Theodore.

It's as plain as the face what is going on and you do nothing.

You do not even take a lover.

Oh, no, no, Theodore.

Besides, if I'm going to divorce Pell, my conduct must be beyond reproach.

Divorce him?

You are going to divorce him?

Yes. As soon as I have enough evidence.

Ah! You do not go away.

You go round the corner, and then you come back and catch him. Well, no, not

actually. You see, it would be no use my catching him. That wouldn't be accepted

as evidence.

But if someone else were to catch them... You want me to catch him?

Dear Theodore, you're so quick.

I go into her room and surprise them.

No, not her room. They wouldn't go there. They'll go to my room because

they know I'm away.

But I surprise them in flagrante delicto. In what?

Flagrante delicto is Latin for misconduct.

But not too flagrante.

Understood. I go now and get you a taxi.

Dear Theodore, you are so sweet.

Well, good night.

Time for bed.

Thank you for the lesson.

Yes, it was very instructive.

Look, I'll go down and you go back upstairs and come down in a few minutes

and get the taxi.

He's understood.

I'm from nice early bye-byes. How about you?

Must take care of that little headache, mustn't we? We don't want to lose our

beauty sleep.

Hello, you two.

You're back early, aren't you?

Mr. B, you wasn't feeling up to dancing, weren't you, pal?

No, no.

Slightly under the weather. He wants a nice early-byes.

Well, I'm quite ready for the land of night.

Nighty-byes, everybody.

Nighty-byes.

Nighty-byes.

Dancing, mistress.

Pal, we arranged that you wouldn't be back until 11.30.

Must we go through all this tonight? Of course we must. It's gone on quite long

enough.

Nighty-byes. Besides, I've made all the arrangements.

I've even arranged for a witness.

A witness?

Who? I don't think you better know.

It's that foreigner fella.

Never you mind. All I want to know is how long you think it'll take you to get

into flagrante delecto.

Flagrante delecto. It is that far enough. What time shall we say?

Midnight? Oh, Gabe, do we have to do it tonight? Oh, Pell, you're not sliding

out of it.

Yeah. Why, darling? What's worrying you?

Well, it's Thelma. She's not a woman.

She's not that kind of woman. I know, darling. That's why we chose her. Now,

now, now. You know what you have to do?

Yeah.

One, start and get undressed.

Two, tap on Thelma's door and ask her if she'll heat some milk for me.

Three? Three.

Cut into bed.

No, no, no, not yet, pal.

There's nothing compromising about being caught in bed with a glass of hot milk.

Isn't there?

The milk is just an excuse.

The great thing is to keep her talking, to stop her from dumping down the milk

and just walking out. There's no chance of that. That's why you mustn't get into

bed. You must create a romantic atmosphere so that she'll dally.

Dally? There's a moon tonight.

Yeah, I know. She showed it to me.

Make some remark about moonlight making you feel romantic.

Well, that's original.

Then she'll come and... Stand beside you.

And you take her in your arms and you say... Oh, Pell, surely you know

what to do next.

Wait for that foreigner, fella.

That's right, darling. Everything will be all right. And remember, put your

best foot forward. What's my foot got to do with it?

Oh, that must be Malick with the taxi. He's seeing me to the station. I'd

better hurry. I think it's raining. All right?

And remember... Whatever else you take off, keep your watch on.

I'm most frightfully sorry, but have you such a thing as an aspirin?

Oh, yes, of course.

I've still got this dreadful headache. I feel that I won't sleep unless I have

one. Just a tick, I'll go and get some.

You poor man.

Here we are.

Now, how will you take them?

Oh, orally.

I usually find they go around quite well with a glass of hot milk.

Yes, yes. Well, I'll go and heat some.

Oh, no, my dear, you mustn't think of it. I'm just making some horlicks for

little me.

I can easily bring you down a glass. Would you really?

Well, of course, I'd love to.

In five minutes, then?

That is kind of you. Not at all.

Now, you run along and leave everything to Thelma.

She'll fix it.

Thanks, hopefully.

Who is it?

It's Thelma.

Who? Thelma.

I've brought your hot milk.

Don't let it get cold, will you?

Rather not.

Thank you very much.

Well, I... I must be running along.

Nighty-byes again. No need to hurry away.

Oh, I must. Why, anybody must have seen me come in. Afraid of a little gossip,

I... Not for myself, no.

That's right. Oh, look at your hair. It's all untidy.

Let Thelma smooth it for you.

May I?

Make yourself comfortable.

We can't have you looking all tousled, can we?

How's our poor heady-weady?

Oh,

the headache's much better, thank you. Perhaps Thelma could take it away

altogether.

Take it away?

My friends tell me I have healing hands.

Really? But you must relax.

It won't have any effect if you're all tense.

Just let your head break loose.

If I let it go loose, how can I hold it up? Thelma doesn't want you to hold it

up. She wants you to let yourself go.

Like this?

That's it.

Now, just imagine you're a sack of potatoes.

And let the law of gravity do the rest.

There.

Now you're nicely relaxed.

No, no, no.

What's the matter?

I should never have asked you to stay.

You're thinking of me, aren't you?

You dear, good man.

I'm thinking of me too.

I know exactly what's going on in that head of yours.

You're so loyal.

And kind.

And good.

And true.

That's what I admire about you.

Bohemians, aren't we?

You know, I've partnered a good many men in your position.

And sometimes...

It's been difficult to keep the relationship on a strictly business

basis. Has it? Oh, yes. Especially in the proximity of a dance.

Whenever I've been tempted to, well, give way a little, I could always hear a

still, small voice inside me whispering, No, Senor.

This is not it.

It?

I sometimes thought it would be only human if you did show a little more

devilment. And I should be the last to blame you if you were too. Well, forget

yourself.

There's this warm, still voice inside of me too, you know. You're so strong.

So wonderfully, wonderfully strong.

I'm not really, you know. It's my headache.

Oh, well.

Wouldn't you like to pop into my body?

and let Thelma soothe you off to sleep. No, no, no, thank you very much. But at

least we shall always have our memories, shan't we?

Rather. I suppose I ought to leave you to rest.

Good night.

Are you sure there isn't anything else you'd like from me? No, no, no, no,

thank you very much.

Good night.

Good night.

Hold on a minute.

Miss Frost!

Telephone! Miss Frost!

Yes? Oh, Miss Frost, it's the telephone.

Thank you. I'll come right down.

I do hope it didn't wake

him. That's all right. Thank you.

Hello?

Just a moment.

Yes, darling.

Why so late?

I was expecting your call all evening, and you know what happened?

Oh, excuse me. I just wanted to thank you and to apologize for disturbing you.

That's all right.

This is a lovely room, but do you sleep in here?

Yes, I do.

Your wife, too?

Yes.

Well, not tonight, actually.

She's staying with her auntie.

I see.

Good night.

Good night.

I said... I said, do you like hot milk?

Don't on it. Why?

I hate it.

Don't like wasting it.

Do you have it?

Thanks, I'd love it.

It's nice and warm in here, isn't it?

Yes, yes.

Is it cold in your room?

Bitter.

Feel that.

Doesn't seem very cold.

No.

Not now.

I just had a hot bath.

What did you do that for?

I thought it might help you to see the moonlight.

Oh, yes, it's just coming out after the rain.

I love to see street lamps reflected on wet pavements, don't you?

So do I. They are rather jolly, aren't they?

And I like watching the raindrops run and trickle down the windowpane.

Oh, so do I. Yes, I could watch them by the hour.

So could I.

You, uh, shiver.

I'm not cold.

We'd better get away from the window.

You haven't finished your hot milk.

Oh, I don't really like hot milk.

You said you did.

I know, but I wanted an excuse to stay and talk to you.

I thought you might be prim and proper and tear me out. But you're not, are

you? No, I'm not. But wouldn't it be fair to take advantage of you, would it?

You wouldn't like to find yourself sighted in a divorce court. Oh, I see.

You're afraid someone's outside watching us. Somebody ought to be outside

watching. You see, in less than five minutes, someone's going to dash into

this room and expect to find me in a compromising situation.

Less than five minutes. How do you know? Never mind, I do know. So the sooner

you're back into your own room, the better it is for you.

Yes, I do see. Thank you.

Who are they hoping to find you with?

No one.

That's the trouble. I see.

Just tell me one thing before I go. Do you want your wife to divorce you?

I'd rather not answer that.

That means you do.

I don't want it, but she, my wife, thinks it's the best thing for both of

us.

All right, then.

What are you doing?

I'm staying. I'd like to help you.

I can't let you sacrifice your reputation just to help me get my

freedom. Why not? All I've got to do is be here.

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid.

All we need is an honest-to-goodness clinch at the psychological moment.

What do you call an honest-to-goodness clinch?

Well, you know.

Perhaps we'd better rehearse it so that it looks natural.

Yes, yes, perhaps we'd better.

You try taking me in your arms and seeing how we land up. I won't do

anything at all.

It's funny how when you think of the mechanics, you get everything so tied

up.

Would you, um... Don't you think we could manage without this?

Yes, yes, yes, perhaps.

You're out of practice, obviously.

Which arm would you like?

This one.

I don't think that would deceive anybody.

We're not cooperating. Try bringing this arm up, so.

Here.

Sorry I'm so slow.

Not at all. It's better to take it slowly and get it right.

What happens next?

You kiss me?

No.

No?

When? It's later, silly, when they come in.

What do we talk about?

What do you choose?

You got a boyfriend?

Mm-hmm.

Socialist or Tory?

Socialist. What's the matter? I've got a tickle on the end of my nose.

Can I, uh...

Shh.

Somebody's coming.

We better make sure next time.

Yes, it is. Well, back to work. We must get more abandoned sitting down here,

can't we?

Abandoned? Yes, well, that's what we need, isn't it? The referee will be

coming in through that door, so we want to give him a good ringside view.

You drape yourself across me.

Drape myself?

Do I see like this? No, no, no.

Like this.

Over here.

I always say if everything's worth doing, it's worth doing well.

Comfy?

Doesn't matter.

My leg's gone to sleep.

Don't let's answer it.

Why not?

Spoil everything.

You try that number again, please, on another line.

I'm sure there's somebody there.

I feel we're beginning to get to know each other quite well.

Actually, we're only ships which pass in the night.

No need to hurry about this, is there?

Yeah, but it was the wrong one.

He hasn't come yet. Oh, dear, he's awful.

Is this yours, ma'am? Smells funny.

Yes, thanks.

Well, shall I carry on in here or get on with the lunch? No, you see to the

lunch. Oh, all right.

May

I

come in? Of course.

If you wish.

This is yours, I believe. A little careless.

I've never seen it before in my life. I found it downstairs on the settee. Well,

it's not mine. Oh, come now, Miss Dressingard.

Cressingdon. Now, there's no reason to try to shield him. Shield him?

I've no wish to shield him.

He ought to be exposed.

Oh, now, Thelma, there's no need to go to the other extreme.

I mean, you must remember that's the way he's made.

Pell simply can't resist temptation.

Some men are like that, you know. Not many, I hope.

May I?

I never thought he'd be weak enough to fall for her.

Her? That Miss Frost, reeking of perfume and straight from her bath.

I shouldn't be surprised if she had nothing on underneath that dressing

gown. And he, kissing her like a wild beast.

A wild beast.

I couldn't believe it. I'd only left him five months.

This is extraordinary. I mean, he doesn't sound like Feather at all.

Ah, but you haven't seen him as I have.

with a beast let loose.

Hello, hello, hello, hello?

Hello, girl.

You left the office early, didn't you? Yes, yes.

I didn't feel much like work today.

Bet you didn't. Is anything wrong? Is it true that that girl with the milk was in

here last night with you? Juliet?

Yes, she came in. Wearing a flimsy dressing gown with nothing on

underneath? Certainly not. She had a nightdress on. What? Crepe machine.

Oh, you beast!

You horrible, underhanded, sliming, twisting little beast!

Steady on, Kay. No need to overdo it. Overdo it now. I shall divorce you. I

can't wait to divorce you. Steady, Kay. If we're going to take this divorce

business seriously, we can't go quibbling about details.

Details? If you'd stuck to Miss Dressingown instead of playing Romeo

with Juliet on the couch last night, everything would have been all right.

And get this straight. Once I've divorced you, I've divorced you, there's

going to be no remarrying. Don't be silly, Kay. That was the whole idea.

Well, it isn't any longer.

Hey, where are you going?

To see Hubert.

Hubert doesn't work on Saturday. Hubert does.

He doesn't? He does. He doesn't?

He does.

Hubert does not work on Saturdays.

Whoever's fault this is, and I'm trying to keep an unprejudiced mind. Nonsense.

I do beg of you not to do anything on the spur of the moment. That's what I

keep saying. Nonsense.

I need a divorce, and I want a divorce.

Well, I hope you know what you're doing. Well, I hope so, too.

Thelma, I'm at my lawyer's office, and I want you to repeat to him what you told

me this morning.

It may be important to you, but it's important to me, too.

In my profession, I simply couldn't afford to be mixed up in an unsavoury

divorce case.

She doesn't want to give evidence.

She's afraid of the publicity.

Well, maybe she's right. No.

I was just consulting my lawyer. He said it's your duty to give evidence.

What are we going to do?

Well, if you listen to me, I'll give you my advice. What?

Go home to bed and forget all about it.

You don't know when you're well off, either of you.

But we're not well off, and I insist on divorcing him. Well, you can insist

until you're blue in the face, but you haven't got a witness.

Then I shall get one.

Come on, old man, it's up to you now.

Good luck.

Excuse me, Mr. Batterworth.

Would you like to settle up with me?

Settle up?

I'm leaving.

What now?

I'm a respectable woman. I don't stay in a house where there's such goings-on.

I beg your pardon.

May I have my money, please, sir?

Here. Here.

How much is it?

Four pounds, seven and sixpence.

That's for the laundry and a bit of shopping.

Oh, and there's a man in the kitchen from the gas board. What does he want?

Gonna cut it off, I think, if he don't get paid.

Cut it off?

Nine pounds, eighteen and ninepence. That's what he wants.

Does he?

Keep the change. Thank you, sir.

Nice of you, sir.

I don't know what came over you, sir.

Rent books.

That man.

Ah, Mrs. Challington. Chamberlain? I want to talk to you about a little

matter of six weeks' rent.

Oh, well, yes,

it is dreadful of us, isn't it? But I did explain to your wife. Aye, no doubt,

no doubt. But my wife has now handed over the details of the collecting of

the rents to me.

And I've decided that those who can't pay must go.

Go, Mr. Butterworth? That's what I said, so don't dispute about the proverbial

bush. You owe me the best part of 20 pounds.

I want 10 pounds now, or you and Mr.

Chisler can quit on Monday. Ah!

Mr. Barnett?

Mr. Murray, I am now collecting the rents in this house, and you owe me 12

guineas. I want five pounds now, at once.

Reactionary. Then you leave on Monday.

Gay, you would not see this reactionary bourgeois turn me out on Monday. Mrs.

Butterworth to you, and I am Mr. Butterworth. But this is megalomaniac

nonsense. How do you expect me to find five pounds from nothing? Sell some of

your encyclopedias.

Who would buy them on a Saturday?

I don't know who would buy them any day of the week.

One is I'm going to have some money now.

And the same goes for you and Bonnie Prince Charlie.

Well, really, you're very high and mighty, Mr. Butterworth.

Some of us may be only too pleased to go.

When Charles Edward and I first came here, we thought we were coming to a

respectable house. What do you mean by that?

You know what she means.

Already I tell your wife what happened last night. What do you know about it?

Enough. Gay, you wish I should speak enough?

Yes, Theodore.

I do wish.

Very well. At twenty-five past twelve, I come in. I know the time, because it is

later than I think.

I come up the stairs, and what do I see?

His door opens, and who comes out?

Who? Who? Who?

In her negligee, Miss Juliet Frost,

hair in confusion then i was right it was her do you know about it too oh my

dear i didn't mean to say anything in front of you but now the cat's out of

the bag oh my dear mrs chamberlain please don't consider me at all i mean i

want you to be absolutely frank well my dear last night as i was coming up the

stairs you see we will tell the judge what kind of man you are

You fill your house with innocent women so you may seduce them. I will tell the

judge things he will never believe. Oh, no, Theodore, not things he won't

believe. The motto of my party is without truth there can be no justice.

You can rely on me.

From the evidence we have heard, it is quite clear that the husband in this

painful case took advantage of the fact that his wife let rooms to various

single and, I may say, unsuspecting women.

in order that he might conduct a clandestine affair with at least one of

them when his wife was away on an errand of mercy.

I therefore take the plaintiff's case as proven and grant the plaintiff a decree

nisi with full costs against the defendant.

I only regret that it is not in the power of this court to deal with the

defendant in this unsavory case more severely.

Oh,

next.

Good afternoon, madam. Thank you. Any messages?

Yes, your solicitor is here to see you. Oh.

Hubert?

Hubert? Oh, nice to see you. Oh, Phyllis, would you make us some tea,

please? Yes, madam.

And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? Well, actually, I was just

passing here, so I thought I'd deliver this to you in person.

Makes the divorce final.

Ah.

Madam, I forgot to tell you. The gentleman has arrived about the first

floor front.

Gentleman?

First floor front?

Gail, not still taking P.G.

Out!

But Gail...