Original subtitles

[patriotic music]

? ?

- Hello.

I'm Tom Anderson, veteran of two foreign wars.

Our nation's men and women in uniform do not just

use state-of-the-art weaponry to kill

those who would do us harm.

They also use humor to strengthen friendships

and brighten one's day.

Here's a humorous military tale I think you'll enjoy.

[birds chirping]

It just so happened a young private first-class needed

a place to stay for the night, and so he

stopped by a certain farm.

- Now you can stay a night in the barn on one condition.

Whatever you do, don't sleep with my three

beautiful daughters.

[girls giggling]

- So he headed to the barn to bed down for the night,

thinking about what the farmer had

said when he noticed there was a hole

in the wall about yay high.

Now, as you can imagine, this gave

the private an idea of just how

he could spend his evening.

- Then you attach the plywood patch with fiberglass tape.

You see how I center the tape on the seams?

That gives you a snug fit, because otherwise, you're

going to spackle it up nice.

And then the next day, you're going to come in and say,

who put all these cracks in my spackle?

- Right.

- So spackle, sand-

- Uh-huh. - And then-

did you keep any of the leftover

interior barn paint?

- It might be somewhere.

- [sighs] Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Yeah, they tell you they can match the paint

at the paint store,

but they don't know what they're doing.

[chuckling]

Oh, boy.

Some of you will get that on the drive home.

Well, I'll see you next time for more humor in uniform.

[patriotic music]

? ?

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

? ?

[both chuckling]

- We've got some time today before the lunch rush,

so I want you to clean the walkway in front of the store

with this pressure washer.

Do you understand?

- [chuckles] Lunch is cool.

- All right. Let's make today a good one.

[button clicks, machine rattles]

- [chuckles] Hose.

[both chuckling]

- Hose.

[both chuckling]

- Butt-Head, what is this thing?

- Uh, I think he said it's, like, a pleasure washer.

- Whoa, a pleasure washer.

Yeah.

You think it, like, feels good on your nads?

- Of course it does, dumbass.

That's why they call it a pleasure washer.

Hey, baby.

[hose hisses]

Ugh!

[groans]

[coughs, grunts]

- Did it feel good on your nads?

[chuckling]

- Uh, no.

Here, let me show you.

- Ahh!

- [chuckles]

- Whoa.

You know, this thing is cool, but we should probably, like,

turn it down a little maybe.

[dial clicking]

There we go.

Ahh!

Cut it out, Butt-Head! Ahh!

Butt-Head, let me down! Let me down!

- Uh, OK.

- Ahh!

- Oh, that sucked.

Now it's my turn. [chuckles]

- Uh, OK.

- Ahh!

- No, I mean to spray it. Come on.

It's my turn.

- Your turn?

Oh, is it now?

- Yeah, yeah. You just sprayed it, Butt-Head.

Come on. Now it's my turn.

- Hmm.

It doesn't feel like your turn.

- Damn it, Butt-Head. That's not fair.

You sprayed it twice, and I haven't gotten

to spray it one time yet.

- Beavis, you grow tiresome.

- Ahh!

No, Butt-Head, stop!

Ow!

Augh! Stop! Ahh!

[tires screeching, horns honking]

Ahh!

Ow!

- [chuckling]

Pleasure is cool. [chuckling]

- ? Eat my flesh,

? Drink my blood ?

? I am the shit ov God ?

- Yeah, you are.

Yeah!

Amen.

[chuckling]

Whoa!

- Yep.

This kicks ass.

- Yeah, yeah.

? ?

- You know who really loves this?

Chicks. [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's got everything chicks like.

It's got blood. It's got screaming.

It's got skulls.

It has, like, an albino.

It's got- you know.

[both chuckling]

- Yep.

It's like a checklist of things that chicks love.

[both chuckling]

This band, Behemoth, is, like, the fifth best

heavy metal band in Poland.

- Well, that's just because, you know, half the population

is dudes, see.

If you ask the chicks, they are number one.

Yeah, that drummer kicks ass.

- Those aren't drums, Beavis.

That's the sound of panties dropping.

[both chuckling]

- ? U for useless, S for the ?

- This is baby making music.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- In nine months, there's going to be

a lot of kids named Behemoth.

- Yeah.

- ? I am born of filth ?

? You're exalted in faith ?

- This is a part of the song where

he, like, stops singing and talks to the chicks,

like Barry White.

- Yeah.

- He's like, baby, would you like me

to pour some blood on you?

Or maybe some of God's feces.

[chuckles]

- Wait, who is that?

Is he in the band?

- No.

That's, like, Behemoth's son from his previous marriage.

- What's on his kid's face?

- Those are, like, the lyrics in case he forgets them.

Then he can just say, hey, Junior.

Get over here. Oh, yeah.

"I am the shit ov God."

I'm glad I had that tattooed on your face.

- And your teacher says you're having trouble at school?

What for?

- ? Ov God! ?

- This pleasure washer kicks ass.

We should use it to do the rest of our job.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll make things a snap.

- Besides, the sidewalk's all disgusting out here.

- Yeah, really.

Someone should do something about it.

Jesus Christ.

Welcome to Burger World.

May I clean your table?

- No, thanks.

[together] Ohh! Ahh! Stop!

- Here to clean the bathroom.

- Sorry, there's someone in here.

- Not a problem, sir.

- Ahh!

Ahh! Ow! Stop!

I- I said someone's in here.

- That'll be $11.79, ma'am.

- Here's a 20.

- OK.

I'm going to go ahead and spray you your change here.

[water whooshing, coins rattling]

[objects clattering]

Thank you.

Drive through.

[chuckles]

Hey, Butt-Head.

Can you spray a hamburger into this bun?

- Uh, OK.

[water whooshing]

- It worked.

- Whoa.

This thing is the way of the future.

- Yeah, yeah, and honestly, you know, it did feel

a little bit good on my nads.

I mean, it mostly hurt, but, you know.

But not entirely.

- It was like a hose for your hose.

- Yeah, exactly.

[both chuckling]

- Well, we just gotta refill the shake machine

and we can go home.

[hose rattles] - Allow me.

[chuckles]

- Butt-Head, how are you going to open the bag

of shake mix and pour it in the shake machine

with a pleasure washer?

That's impossible.

- Beavis, nothing is impossible for the pleasure washer.

[dramatic music]

- It's working.

It's working, Butt-Head.

[mixer rattles]

? ?

[fire crackles]

- That was cool.

- The pleasure washer rules.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah.

- Ahh!

- Whoa, it's a fire. Fire, fire.

- This rules.

[fire crackling]

- So, like, what do we, like, do?

- Uh, I don't know.

- Oh, wait a minute.

We could use the pleasure washer on the fire.

- No, dumbass.

We don't want to wash the fire.

That'll make the manager notice it more.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- And then he'll probably just start making us

wash it every day, you know?

You had time to wash the fire last week,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

- What a dumbass.

[both chuckling]

- Well, let's take this thing to the parking lot

and spray some ants.

- Oh, yeah.

Good idea.

[drywall crashes]

[sirens wailing]

- There's no water pressure.

- Die!

Die!

You must die.

[rock music]

? ?

[bluesy rock music]

? ?

- Chirp.

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