Original subtitles

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

? ?

- [sighs]

- Nothing like a Sunday morning beer run.

[chuckles]

- It's a Sunday morning tradition,

every week for 20 years.

[door rattles]

- Uh, oh, yeah.

The liquor store is closed on Sundays.

- Damn it. We forgot again.

[grunts]

- This sucks.

We're going to have to drive to the liquor

store on the other side of the county line now.

- Yeah, that county is cool.

They don't let Jesus tell them when to drink beer, no, sir.

- Yeah.

They don't care about the Lord.

[both chuckling]

- Let's go, Butt-Head.

Drive us to the liquor store.

- I can't drive, dumbass.

They took my license away, because I got a DUI.

- [chuckles]

You said "D."

[both chuckling]

- Besides, the ankle bracelet they gave me is, like, too big

for me to work the gas pedal.

You gotta drive, dumbass.

- But I don't have a license.

- Exactly.

That means they can't take it away.

- But, um- but I don't know how to drive, Butt-Head.

I was always too scared to learn,

because of something that happened a long, long time ago

[chimes twinkling]

You see, back when we were in school,

I used to sneak off at lunch and spank my monkey

in the driver's ed car.

But then one day, I accidentally

turned the car on, and it rolled into a ditch.

[somber music]

And I stubbed my schlong.

- Beavis, I have never cared less about anything

you ever said in my entire goddamn life.

Now get your dumb ass in the car

and drive me to the liquor store.

[chuckles]

- OK, OK.

[sighs]

I guess I gotta drive.

Beavis, you can do this.

[chuckles]

OK. Now, what do I do?

- You turn the key, dumbass.

- [sighs]

[engine turns over] Ahh!

- Now move the gear thing to R.

- Is R the letter that has a schlong?

- Yes.

Obviously.

- OK, OK.

What if I run myself over?

- You're not going to run yourself over.

Now put your hands on the wheel.

- OK, OK. Putting my hands on the wheel.

Got it.

- And press down on the gas pedal.

- Press it with my butt?

- No, dumbass.

What are you doing down there?

You said to put my hands on the wheel,

so I did it in a way that made sense to me.

How am I supposed to know how to do it if you don't tell me?

- You've seen me drive 1,000 times, butthole.

- Yeah, but I don't watch you.

I always, like, look out the window

and pretend that I'm shooting everything with a bazooka.

[chuckles]

- Just put your foot on the gas and back up, you dumb butthole.

- Foot on the gas?

OK.

I guess you're the expert.

[engine revs] Whoa.

Whoa.

We're moving, Butt-Head.

What if there's a ditch?

- There's not a ditch.

[gravel crunching] I don't see a ditch, Butt-Head.

Ahh!

Ah! Ow!

Ahh! - You ran yourself over.

- Ow! Augh!

- Three years ago, I asked the most unthinkable and crazy

question possible.

Are we the first generation that won't die?

- Three years ago, I asked the most unthinkable, craziest

question possible.

Why did my wife divorce me?

[both chuckling]

- the very best science ever done-

- So I use all the most sophisticated medical

technology to find out.

And it turns out it's because I'm a butthole.

[both chuckling]

- I hired a team of 30 medical professionals.

We measured the biological age of every one of my organs.

- Organs.

[both chuckling]

- I have the world's youngest schlong,

because it's never been used.

[both chuckling]

- around 5:00 a.m.

Then I'll do a body composition measurement

using a smart scale, looking at fat, muscle, hydration,

weight, arterial stiffness.

- [chuckles]

Arterial stiffness.

[both chuckling]

- At least his arteries have a boner.

How does that smart scale know all that other stuff?

- He pees on it.

[both chuckling]

The scale is like, I have ingested all of your feces,

and I've determined that you have never scored.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, it's like, hey,

but I could have told you that before I ingested your feces.

- Next, for breakfast, I will have Blueprint Longevity

Protein and Berry nut mix, collagen peptides,

extra-virgin olive oil, and-

- Extra-virgin.

- Yeah, like, hey, that's me.

- For breakfast, I have strawberries and dirt

with some pepper on the side.

[both chuckling]

- Which helps with blood flow, awaken my mind,

and keep my body loose and-

- At 10:30 a.m., I lie in the schlong detector.

Results?

Schlong not found.

[both chuckling]

- I do red and near-infrared light

therapy six minutes a day.

Currently, I have two additional therapies.

One is hyperbaric oxygen therapy.

- None of the stuff is going to work.

[chuckling]

- Yep.

- I'm going to live longer than him.

- Yeah, yeah.

He might as well just enjoy the good life, you know?

Like us.

- Yep.

[coughing]

[loud coughing]

- Operating CEO for several endeavors,

including Blueprint, Don't Die,

and the longevity protocol is-

- [coughing, hacking]

- the rest of the day is filled

with endless activities.

- [hacking]

- including Blueprint, Don't Die.

My longevity protocol is a full-time job.

I am a content creator, and I am a father.

My favorite part-

- I devote a full 90 seconds a day to my son.

- Yeah. [chuckling]

I'm going to need all his organs in order to survive.

- Hello, son.

How's your schlong?

Someday, it will be mine.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, yeah, but don't use it.

I want it to match.

- My favorite part of the entire thing-

- What's that thing he's wearing?

- It's called a gimp harness, Butt-Head.

- What?

- No, don't worry about it, Butt-Head.

- Uh, OK.

- I didn't know they still made that model.

Huh.

[tires squealing]

Oh.

Oh, we're moving.

OK.

Help, Butt-Head. Help.

Help! I'm going too fast.

- We're barely moving, you butthole.

- I feel like I could relax more if I had a beer, you know?

- We don't have any beers, dumbass.

That's why we're doing this.

Now drive faster.

- Faster than this?

Oh, no, we're going right at that red thing.

[dramatic music]

Oh, no.

No, it's getting closer.

We're heading straight for it.

What do I do?

Help, somebody!

Why is this happening? [metal crunching]

Why?

Jesus!

Haven't I been a good man?

Not like this.

Anything but this.

No!

[pole clangs]

- What the hell is wrong with you, Beavis?

- It's not my fault.

Should have been a sign somewhere telling me to stop.

- Damn it, Beavis.

There's no such thing as a sign that tells you when to stop.

So pay attention to what you're doing.

- Ahh!

[tires screeching]

I stubbed my schlong!

- Sorry, Butt-Head.

This is all my fault.

I tried to drive us to the liquor store,

but I messed it up.

And then I stubbed my schlong.

- Beavis, you suck more than anyone has ever sucked.

- Yeah, yeah.

I know.

But I think, like, I could learn to drive better

if, instead of making me feel bad about myself all the time,

you, like, tried to make me feel good.

Ahh!

- I'm not going to touch your schlong, Beavis.

- No, no.

That's not what I meant.

I mean, unless you think it's a good idea.

But no, no.

I guess that's crazy.

Ahh!

What I'm saying is, I think I could drive if you just, like,

gave me some confidence.

[chuckles]

- But how am I supposed to give you confidence

when you suck so bad?

- I don't know, but it might be our only chance

to get some beers.

[chuckling]

- Eh, OK.

I'll try.

Beavis, you suck.

[gentle music]

- OK, OK. That's a good start.

[chuckling]

- But there's probably other people

in the world who suck more.

- OK, OK.

Yeah.

[engine revs]

Keep going, yeah.

- And your mom is only sort of a slut.

[engine revs]

- Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's working.

- And when I did bang her, it was respectfully.

- Yeah!

I can do this.

[triumphant music]

I can drive!

[tires squealing]

[trash can thuds]

Coming through, yeah.

Yeah, get some, yeah.

- Go, Beavis. - Yeah.

[tires screeching]

[metal crunching glass shattering]

- I did it!

Yes!

Hurry, beer!

[both chuckling]

[bell rings]

[sighs]

Let me get one more 12-pack in me and I'll be

ready to drive home.

[rock music]

[ankle monitor beeping]

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