Original subtitles

BOTH: Hello! Hello! Hello!

So today's a little bit of a special one, isn't it, Cass? It is. Yeah.

BOTH: Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Because your two favourite mums are...

BOTH: ..becoming mums again.

Look at that. Look at that. Yeah.

Last-chance baby, as I like to call it.

Get one out before you both go off.

BOTH: You've got to get one out before you both go off.

Yeah, before it becomes socially illegal.

Yeah, if he's going to stick his penis into

another golf holiday in Thailand,

he can stick his penis into making one more child with you.

It's only fair. Yeah.

So we thought today we would share some wisdom

about how to carry a baby whilst also carry yourself.

And it's fashion - mums' fashion.

As two BMs on the G, with O on the W...

"Busy mums on the go with one on the way."

..there is nothing a great wardrobe can't fix.

And being pregnant is no excuse.

So first up, create a capsule wardrobe.

Cultivate a few key pieces that can take you

from conception to birth, birth to night,

night to bed, bed to menopause,

menopause to coffin and coffin to hell. Yeah.

As a mum, you never know when you're going

to need to break into a low-level jog.

We always like to have a foundation layer

of athleisure on at all times. Yeah.

We've taken our trainers

and we've added an extendable kitten heel.

Look at that, look at that. Can you see that?

That's in and that's out. Oh, God. Look at that.

Not too much. Just enough.

So we're going to do a little demo for you now

so you can see this in action. I'm going to flip mine now.

So you're standing at the school gates and you want to give yourself

a little boost of height and confidence.

So you just clack out the little heel,

and then you can clack away with dignity and style.

I'm going fast, as well. Yeah.

I'm picking up speed. Yeah, look at that.

I can't stop. God, I feel confident. Yeah.

Do you know what I call the kitten heel?

I call it the, "Beg your pardon?" of the foot.

Finally, fashion for the most fun a mum can have...

BOTH: A night out. Woo!

For your night-out look, it's time to let your personality shine.

So what we love is, we love a grey blay,

teamed with a grey shirt - unbuttoned to wherever you consent.

Yeah. And then that's finished off with a pair of bootcut jeans,

with a gorgeous distressed whisker detail around the crotch.

I'm feeling great. My cup is in the bowl.

And if there's not enough air, poke a few holes in.

Yeah, let that sausage breathe.

Yeah. So I've decided to wear some feathery earrings, here,

so that people might think that I work with birds,

or that I have some African friends.

Jambo.

And I finished my look off with a couple of -

Father, forgive me - pleathers.

And if you do end up at the nightclub

having a little dance, your wedding ring is covered. Oh, God.

But legally speaking, you haven't actually taken it off.

That does very well in court, when you're going

for full custody and child support,

because you've lied in writing about being on the pill

to conceive two of your last five kids.

I've done it with all five of mine.

Cheers. Cheers to that.

Ugh, stuff like this with, like, jokes on it

are so cringe. I hate it.

I know. It's like, who would make something like that?

Hey!

I did! I made that. Och!

Oh, my God. As if.

Who would spend �4 on a bottle of water

just so they could do some colouring?

I know. Who makes this stuff?

Hey, I made them!

It was me. I made them. Oh!

Clara Bandana and Missy Mini,

you've obviously made such a special bond whilst filming this movie.

Thank you for that beautiful question. Mm.

Um, this film was very personal to me,

um, and a lot of the themes in the movie

transcend the movie itself.

And do you mind kind of talking us through those themes?

Obviously, if it's not too hard for you.

Oh, yeah. Thank you for that space.

Um, I play Mrs Anus in the movie, My Ass. Mm.

And I play Mrs Bum Cheek in My Ass.

And I loved it, BTW.

I loved My Ass.

It was such a funny film, but also so real.

So, thank you. Yeah.

Yeah, well, it's a film about animated bottoms, mainly.

Um, so a lot of poo, a lot of farts, a lot of bums, you name it.

Amazing. Well, thank you so much for trusting us with it,

you guys. You are so brave.

Have an amazing night.

Thank you so much. Wow. Thank you. Thank you.

What drew you to this film in the first place?

You know, it's obviously a First World War film

set on the Western Front, all shot in one take.

Oh, thank you, yeah.

Well, when I got the opportunity to play

the true story of Ellen Dogslag,

the only prostitute on the Western Front,

I was like, "Yes, please."

You know, it was all filmed in one take

and all the sex scenes were actually real.

So I slept with about 80 to 100 actors and extras each take.

And who are you excited about seeing tonight?

I'm actually looking forward to seeing my swimming teacher

straight after this for a late-night lesson.

I pay him to watch me do handstands in the pool, so...

That's brilliant. It's great.

You look incredible! Give us a spin.

Oh! Whoa, there. INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES

Brilliant. A little birdie told me that you just landed a new role.

Yes, I have. I feel incredibly lucky and blessed.

It's actually a real privilege to be this lucky

and blessed and also feel so lucky and blessed,

as well as, like, kind of being so lucky and blessed,

and blessed as well.

Mmm. And can we know what the film is?

You can, actually.

It's called Hitler's Secret Stand-Up Career. And I play Hitler.

La-la la-la la

La-la la-la-la

La-la la-la

LA!

My name is Ellie Clane White.

And I am Natasia Lancelot-Lee Demetriou.

And we are the two actors, writers,

and humans behind this project.

Yes, the two lunatics finally bringing to the stage...

..at long last...

BOTH: ..a women-only Only Fools And Horses. Exactly.

ALL: Haggling, haggling, haggling in the marketplace.

Morning, Del Boy.

Busy morning down here in the marketplace, eh?

Mange tout, Rodney, you plonker!

It's so busy that this time next year, we'll be millionaires.

SCATTERED CHUCKLES

I play the eponymous hero, Derek Trotter. Or, "Del Boy."

I'll take three of your best pollock, my good man.

And I play the humble knave to the king -

Rottney Trotter, or Rottney.

This plonker's going to make something of himself.

I think for a long time now, people have been crying out

for a woman to step into the shoes of Del Boy.

And, uh... Well, here I am.

It changes things, I think. It's a call to arms.

Del Boy, please. I didn't know.

We're at a funeral. And these costumes are totally inappropriate!

The repetition of, "Plonker," for instance,

actually felt quite problematic to us. Mm.

And as women, we have loved interrogating that.

Calm down, Del Boy, please!

I'll calm down when you stop being a...

Don't. Don't say it.

Plonker, plonker, plonker, plonker!

Ah!

Del Boy, wake up!

No more plonker, Rodney, for me.

Rodney, are you coming or what?

It's urgent.

ALL: Money, money, money in the marketplace.

It's raw. Mm.

DEL BOY GRUNTS

It's fizzy. Yeah.

Fish. Fish for sale.

It's actually very funny at times.

Whoa, boy. There you are. Easy.

And actually, what we've done with the bar scene is genius.

It's funnier than the original, I think.

Play it nice and cool, son.

Nice and cool.

Whoa! No!

I fell through the bar

I fell through the bar Fell through the bar

I'll never, ever go far

If I can fall through the bar

And I feel even more like a plonker

For not warning Derek that the bar was up.

When the show first aired, it was an out-and-out comedy,

but strip it back, and at its heart, it's a very serious story

about three generations of working-class men...

Just one more and me worries go away

Just one more...

No, Del Boy, stop!

..who, in this production, will be played

by two heavily pregnant women, if that makes sense?

Just one more!

I'm sorry, Del Boy, for everything. I am a plonker.

No, you're not, Rodney, my son.

You are a millionaire.

I'm a millionaire. You're a millionaire.

We're all millionaires.

And what about me?

Am I a millionaire, too?

BOTH: Shut up, Grandad, you old git.

La-la la-la-la

La-la-la la-la.

Wow-wow-wow.

No, it's more...

Wah-wah, whoa-whoa.

It's more, "Whoa."

Whoa-whoa.

That song was in this film, right? Yeah, yeah. Cos they're green.

Green, yeah.

Read all about it. Read all about it.

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Hello, business-miss. Thank you for my wax.

You took my hairs the best of my life.

I have to go now. I'm very, very, very sorry.

I need to get my fringe tringe.

Oh, with compliments.

But did you not hear? We have bonkers new offer.

For every one full wax area you pay,

you get one free binge chim.

I can't believe... Wow, I can't believe it.

This is the best news of my entire life.

Thank you very much. I'm very sorry. Thank you.

I love my eyebrow and now you can see him.

Thank you, Internet Nails, for my fronge.

I needed my fringe trimmed and I got it free.

Thank you, Internet.

I come for bag wax and they put the hair on my head.

Thank you, Internet Nails, for my head.

UNTRANSLATED SPEECH

I don't have a fringe, so I didn't need a trim.

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ALL: Internet Binge!

Oof!

I mean, who wears crap like that?

Yeah, for real.

And this.

Oh, wow. OK, yeah, you win.

I mean, who on earth even makes stuff like that?

Hey! I do!

I made them. Ugh!

Babe, um...

..can I ask you something?

Mm.

When was the last time we had sex?

Mark, what the hell?

Well, you know, maybe it's time to kind of

spice things up a little bit.

You know, what would maybe turn you on?

Um, I don't know, like...

I guess I haven't really thought about it that much, but, um,

maybe - and please don't judge me - role play?

No judgment here. That sounds sexy.

Really? Yeah. You could be, like, maybe a... Like, a sexy nurse?

Ooh! Maybe you were, like, asking if my willy's working.

Oh, my God. OK, um... Amazing.

OK, tell me, like, who would you like me to role play as?

Yeah, um...

God, I haven't obviously given it, like, loads of thought at all. Sure.

But, um, off the top of my head,

you could role play as Chris.

Chris? Yeah, Anna's fiance.

Like, late 40s, kind of cool patchwork trousers,

like, little goatee. Chris.

Oh, him? Yeah.

Yeah, sorry, I guess I was imagining more that maybe I'd be,

like, a fireman saving you from a burning building, or...

We don't have to do this, Mark.

You were the one who brought it up, so, I don't know...

Are you going to be Chris or what?

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, totally. I'll be Chris.

God, I'm getting kind of turned on just thinking about it.

Great. Go on, then. Be Chris.

Yeah, um...

I guess I'll sort of, um... Yeah, sort of...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hello. He is northern, isn't he?

He's from Canterbury. Oh, sorry.

But he actually does this, like, very specific,

sort of cute American baby voice.

Right. I guess...

You know what, my accent stuff probably isn't that good anyway,

so maybe let's leave that. OK.

He plays the ukulele. Self-taught.

He just learned how to play the spoons.

Right. He's really good at spoken word.

Can you do that? I guess maybe I could give some beat poetry a go.

Yeah, great. Yeah, OK. Great.

Big da... Big daddy government.

You're living in your castle, but I support Arsenal.

That's not good, Mark.

Um, he does a lot of, like, close-up magic.

He wears a lot of different coloured dungarees.

He quite often wears a trilby, sort of tilted on the side of his head.

Wow, OK. He's just started his own vegan cigar company for women.

Like, he wants to open up the world of cigars for women, Mark.

That's just the type of guy he is.

No. They say that for every stranger you meet,

there is an emotion that repeats.

Was that your card?

What was my card? You've given me two.

I shouldn't have done that.

He was a great man. And that's turning me on?

They probably just are a bit small. I've never seen you look worse.

We shall fight them on the beaches.

What was that? Churchill with cigar.

It's a... I mean, it is a trick, though. No. It is a sort of trick.

This isn't working. Yeah, OK.

Well, it's actually really difficult doing a very specific impersonation

of someone you don't really know and trying to make it sexy.

OK, well, fine. I'm just going to go to sleep, I think.

Well, Sarah, can we actually talk about this for a second?

I mean, do you have feelings for this guy?

I mean, he seems really different to me.

Mark, that's insane, OK?

I'm not accusing you of having feelings for Sexy Nurse.

It's role play. OK.

Fine, we'll just be one of those couples that never has sex.

I'm cool with that.

AMERICAN BABY VOICE: Ouch, Sarah-warah, you hurt my fweelings.

Chris!

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, Chris. Let's have a look at your urethra.

By the feel of it, it's very infected.

God, there's so many of those buildings going up everywhere.

Yeah, it's crazy.

There's, like, three being built next to my old school.

God, you just think, like, who makes all of this?

Me! It's me.

I make them! All of them. OK?! Oh!

Wait! Wait a second. Wait!

What?

Do you really make those new tower blocks over there?

Yes, I do, OK? I made them.

I like steel and glass. I like tall things.

I like views of the city.

Not everything can be to everyone's taste, OK?

No, I really love them.

What? Yeah. I'm an architect.

Well, I'm studying to be one.

And I love the sleek lines, the tiny balconies,

the high profit margin on that much real estate,

on such little square metre.

God, I wish I could make something like that one day.

Well, we actually just got a contract for ten more,

so if you want to give me your details,

I could maybe get you in for an interview?

You're serious? Shall I give you my number?

I've got a pen and paper here, so...

Sorry, stupid pen.

Urgh! Who makes these things, anyway?

I do! I make them.

Those are the pens I make!

For goodness' sake! Ugh!

Move!

Your film's one of the most nominated films of tonight.

Don't. Um, it's been sort of, um... Stop!

..flooring critics and audiences around the world... Stop it!

..for its intensity and its sort of horrifically tragic themes.

I mean, it's even been discussed in Parliament.

You have got to stop tickling me. It's insane.

We tickle each other! I know!

So I play a terminally ill mother who loses her only daughter, Rachel.

And, uh...

Stop, that was right up my bum hole!

Oh, she loves it.

But it is... It's such a privilege to be part of a movie like this.

I play David the driver, who tortures and kills Rachel

and then ends up stalking her mother,

this gorgeous lady right here.

THEY GIGGLE

So what are you guys wearing tonight?

I am wearing vintage Mitchell and Webb.

Yeah, I'm just wearing a suit, I think.

It's black...or navy. I can't tell, and I don't care.

Congratulations. And how far along are you?

Far along... I just got here. What?

Sorry, I was just...

Oh, no, I'm not pregnant. No, this is a detachable baby bump.

I just thought it looked cute.

Oh! Yeah. So there's no baby in there at all?

God, no. I hate children.

Absolutely fire.

And so who are you excited about seeing tonight?

Probably the security guards. Yeah.

I'm single now, and I just really like a macho man, so... Yeah.

Somebody stop me.

Somebody start me. I'm knackered. Yeah.

It's, like, orzo is obviously a pasta. It's not rice.

It's so stupid.

Oh, God, do you remember when he made that salad dressing

with vegetable oil instead of olive oil?

Oh, yes. So funny.

BOTH: Anyway...

Uh, Rosie?

What's up, my Jackie boy?

Listen, I wanted to speak to you today because...

Well, you know we had that conversation last week,

um, about the future and, like, how we both want different things?

Uh, this is so hard. Oh...

And it's, like, it's not even really about you at all.

It's, like, all my shit and...

Are you OK? Oh...

SHE SNIFFS

Oh, sorry. Got a sneeze coming. Ha-ha! Ah...

Right, OK. Sorry, sorry. Carry on.

Well, it's just, like, with work and stuff,

it's like I've got this massive opportunity,

and it means being away for a minimum, like, six months.

Oh! It's coming. Sorry. One second.

And I also need to do a load of work on myself right now.

It's, like, I've got all this unresolved shit,

and it's not fair to pull you through all of that.

No, no, no. Fair, fair. Oh, God. This sneeze is not fair.

SHE MAKES NOISES

Rosie, I don't want to drag this out, OK?

Ah! I just think it's better if we just... Ah!

Oh, damn it. Damn it! I thought it was going to come, then.

It didn't. Ha-ha! Are you hearing me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. Sorry.

OK, well, what I was going to say was...

SHE GROANS

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! It's coming.

He's shy. He's shy of you.

He's intimidated by you, the sneeze is. Whoa!

Like, I think there's been a breakdown in communication.

Oh, Christ. I swear, this is a big-un.

Sorry. Are you OK? What were you saying? Are you OK?

Rosie, you can't put this conversation off

by pretending you need to sneeze.

Ah! Ah! Rosie, it's not fair to do...

Ah! Ah! You know what I'm trying to say to... Here it comes.

Ah! You can't just... Ah!

Oh, it didn't come.

Oh, it's back. I think... Whoa. Argh. We should... Ah! I just...

I'm breaking up with you! SHE SNEEZES

Oh.

Fair enough. Ha!

Ooh. Has anyone got a napkin? Yeah.

A bit of blood on my face.

Oh, there it is.

SHE GIGGLES

I guess my name is Pip Fish,

but my friends just call me Pip or P,

because Pip is my name,

and P is a shortened version of my name, which is Pip.

What does being a creative mean?

Thank you for that.

Yeah, it means not having to specify what you actually do,

talking about how tired you are

and occasionally filming yourself crying.

What do I wear when I work?

Um, yeah, I wear a lot of linen.

The material is incredibly breathable

and it makes me feel like I'm in the south of France,

which is usually where I am, anyway.

I have a second home there.

My biggest indulgence is...

..stealing other people's words and ideas.

What is the most creative thing I've ever done?

Gosh, it's probably microdose shrooms at All Points East.

No, no, microdose weed at Latitude.

My current passion project is choosing to be nonverbal

at my family events

if the conversation stops revolving around me.

Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak.

Sometimes you're just strong enough to quit after one day.

Random fact about me -

I have UK size 15 feet.

I get turned away from bowling alleys.

How do I unwind?

Words are my drug of choice, and I have a fatal addiction.

I also take a lot of cocaine.

Maybe I can be a bit of a drama queen.

If I play a game with my friends' kids and they win,

I can get really down.

My name is Pip Fish and I'm unemployed.

Have you got it? Come on, hurry up. Let's get inside.

It's fucking freezing out here.

And mind the step, there's a dead fox there that got stuck.

It won't budge. Not even with a hose.

I actually trod on the damn thing.

It's glued itself to the fucking stone.

Come in. Mind it! Move! Watch out! Otherwise I'll get your ankles.

GUNSHOT

That's loosened it.

So go on, then. What do you want to know?

Probably if the house is bloody haunted or not.

That's all these young perverts care about these days, eh?

Quite. Quite.

Well, sorry to disappoint,

but you'll find none of that rubbish here.

Ghosts are a fucking bloody nonsense.

Oh, not at all.

I just wanted to learn about your house and the family history.

Right, well, the house was commissioned

in 1553 by Claude Nose Rochford, Sheriff of Bungy. Good man.

It's been in the Rochford line ever since. Yeah.

Eight sugars, double cream in each one.

Where have all the bloody teaspoons gone?

You're not wearing your glasses, are you?

Oh, shut up. Oh, you shut up! How many times have I told you?

You always go on about the bloody glasses.

ECHOING GIGGLES

Shut up! Always having a go at me.

Oh, bloody shut up. Shut up. Shut up! Hopeless.

Bloody hopeless.

We were never supposed to inherit the house, you see.

We had 14 older brothers. They're all fucking dead.

Yeah. Mummy, dead. Daddy, dead. Brothers, dead.

So it falls to us, 21st in line.

ELECTRICITY THRUMS Oh, for fuck's sake. Bloody hell.

ECHOING GIGGLES

Yeah, it's bloody vermin chewing through the wires.

What the hell is that? Calm down, it's a fucking mouse.

Yeah. Tripped the electrics. Don't worry about that.

GUNSHOT

Missed again! Oh! Wear your fucking glasses!

The landscape here is very Constable-esque.

Beautiful, actually.

There was a thought about doing a painting course out here.

Problem is, can't stand artists.

All bloody queers or bloody liars.

No, no, I quite agree. Yeah. Careful of that ditch, there.

Our youngest sister fell in that.

Well, the doctor said it was just a sprained wrist,

but she was never quite the same again.

No, no. Did the kindest thing possible - bullet between the eyes,

and she was gone. Yeah.

It did take a couple more to finish her off, of course,

but that's what happens when you try and eat lunch

and take aim at the same time.

Lesson learned.

Oh, but who wouldn't pay a pretty penny

for a wedding vista like that? Yeah.

Bride and her bitches over there. You can imagine it.

Marquee up there.

What is that?

Oh, fuck off. Private property! Piss off! Look at this. Piss off.

Trespassing fucking hippy.

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait - that was mad! She just disappeared.

That was not, like, human.

Oh, shut up!

BOTH: It's not bloody haunted.

Don't be so fucking boring.

Bloody dogs. Used to breed them. Yeah.

There's only two type of dog, in my opinion -

black Labs and Queen Camilla.

Ha! Problem is, we had to put a bullet in the sire.

Bloody dog got a prick in his paw and was limping around like a woman.

Yeah, that bitch outside was our best breeder.

Sadly, the last litter was useless. Mm. All runts.

She'll have to be finished off soon.

We could finish her off today, if you like? Yeah. For your cameras?

Yeah, would you like footage of that?

God knows what people watch on television these days.

Granny said it would be the death of good society, and she was right.

Dear Granny. Cheers.

Never missed a shot. Never turned down a drink.

Never met an Irishman she didn't fuck.

Sorry if this is inappropriate,

but have you ever thought about doing ghost tours here?

That could be so lucrative. I mean, just what we've witnessed today...

STATIC BUZZES

Whoa! Oh, my God!

Oh, keep your hair on. Shit, shit, shit!

It's not haunted! This happens every single bloody day.

Gosh!

Whoa!

Oh, my leg! Oh!

HE WHIMPERS

Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Looks like you've snapped your ankle, young Max.

Oh, it's just twisted. It's just twisted!

Please!

It's the kindest thing we can do.

Don't worry. Won't hurt.

HE SCREAMS

GUNSHOT

Oh, my God! You look incredible! What a star!

What are you wearing?

I don't know. That's great. And who's...

SHE LAUGHS

Ah!

Why you always come crawling back?

Tell me, what can we do?

BOTH: If you want to show me love, make it Dubai.

If you want to show me love, make it Dubai

If you want to give me gift, make it Dubai

If you want to drink champagne, make it Dubai

If you want to pierce my ear, make it Dubai

If you want to respect my mother, make it Dubai

Respect her

If you want to wear some jewellery, make it Dubai

So nice

If you want to start a business, make it Dubai

I make my business Dubai

Oh, my God, the chorus is coming. I can feel it.

How hard is it to listen? Why can't you understand?

Diamonds are so easy They are just boiled sand

You know I am a crazy bitch with only one demand

Don't cry boy, don't be shy Just make my life Dubai

You want to bless my children? Make it Dubai

If you want to get eyebrow shape, make it Dubai

If you love your business partner and cousin, make it Dubai

If you want to steal my keys, make it Dubai

We've got the keys.

If you want to talk on mobile phones, make it Dubai

PHONE RINGS

If you want to meet my father, make it Dubai

Meet him

If you want to clean my shoe

Visit Dubai

Hold up, rewind

When I eat pistachio, it makes my life fantastical

I love all other nuts, but this one got me freaking

It's green and it's small and its shell needs peeling

This crunchy, creamy chocolate got me buzzing, I can't lie

I'm living life in heaven because I eat Dubai

Let's bring this home

If you want to start a car wash

And repair business for your cousin

Make it Dubai.

I love you, Nikki.

What, is this all real?

Is this all real?

Real.

Oh, my God.

I gave her a garage.

Hello? Oh, my God, my dream has come true.

It's her dream. Oh, my God.

It's all my dreams come true.

She loves cars. A garage!

She loves cars. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.

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