Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

BOTH: Hello, little internet fam. Today we have swept round the BA

for the BDs. BOTH: Big Asda for the best deals. And we found some great deals in the bakery aisle.

We did. We thought today, we'd do a review of my personal favourite

food group, the canvas of the convenient food world.

BOTH: A loaf of white sliced.

Oh, God, I love a white sliced. God, I love a white sliced.

God, I love a white sliced. Oh, God.

Is it in the backseat? It's in the backseat, yeah.

Here it is. I'm giving you... I'm giving you a counter lever.

So we thought today, we'd start off with your basic,

a loaf of soft white sliced.

There is quite a high salt content. Right, yeah.

I actually aspire to be more like salt. Oh.

Yeah, it's small, it's full of flavour

and it dehydrates anything too wet.

Preach. Yeah. Little bite.

Oh, wow.

I would say, the soft white sliced is the rice paper of the west.

Yeah. And I would say it is the Skip of the bread world.

Oh, God, I love a Skip.

Oh, I love a Skip. God, I love a Skip.

Such a fishy little mystery.

Yeah. One minute it's there, next minute it's gone.

Bit like my husband's erections.

That is so funny. God, that is funny.

Do you like that? Yeah, I can't stop laughing.

Gosh, you're chuckling away, aren't you? Look at me.

There is a moisture to this, can't quite put my finger on.

95% vegetable oil.

And there it is. Ten out of ten.

I heard something the other day and it really spoke to me

and I've really been thinking of nothing else since.

Go on. Don't just dress for the job you want,

if you want the dress, job for it.

Yeah?

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I love that.

I really love that.

I don't understand that.

It's very deep.

But I love that. Yeah.

I really love that.

So nice.

So nice.

So nice.

So nice.

So nice.

So nice.

So nice.

So nice.

So nice. So nice.

So nice.

So nice. Yeah.

So nice.

So nice.

Mm, so nice.

BOTH: So nice.

So nice.

So nice.

So nice.

BOTH: So nice.

So nice.

So nice.

So ni...ce.

So nice. So pink... Nice.

So nice.

So nice.

So nice. So nice.

So nice.

So nice.

So... No, that's not... Sorry, you've been in here for four hours.

Could you buy something or leave?

TINY FART

Could I use your toilet?

Fine.

Literally every Saturday.

BOTH: So nice.

Pregnant. Yeah, both pregnant.

Pregnant and doing a sketch show.

Does us being pregnant and doing a sketch show make it funnier?

God, no. No, no.

God, no. Less.

Hello and welcome to internet nails, glamour beauty office,

private members spa and shaving house.

We are located here in our limited edition kitchen bedroom

in the heart of the A406 motorway.

My name is Donna and this is my exclusive team, Nikki.

We want to welcome you to make your head

and the wishes for your body come true.

My name is Nikki, I'm very excited to meet you, to cut your hair,

tattoo your back or wax your face.

And, yes the rumours are true,

internet nails is growing more nails.

I can't wait to love my baby every day, kiss my sweet baby every day

and teach my baby about my passion for car engine.

I am the father, I am the father of the baby and I've got...

..want to thank my mother and my father and for God for everything

they've done for me.

Yes, I am father.

I love baby, so strong.

We are opening all new internet baby, premier relaxed styling

and elegance lounge for all make-up, hair straightening

and spray tanning mother baby needs.

Proud.

We have all new bump department where we can calmly

and beautifully apply stick-on diamond, temporary tattoo

or, er, face paint art to your bump decoration desires.

Please, Miss, how can I help improve your baby style

at this magical time?

Congratulations.

Thank you. I wish my baby's style was more

rocker chick lifestyle mixed with denim highlights

and zip attachments, cowboy essentials

mixed with international rap monger.

Yes, I think I can help with that.

Oh, my God, thank you, my baby is pop star horse rider.

Also, while I am here, I wonder if you could help with, erm,

personalised crystal nappy or full wigs with baseball cap?

Right this way.

We have inspirational quote, pooing joke,

flag of America and also more than that.

We have selections of hats with real natural 100% polyester wig

glued to the inside.

So sorry to ask but is this the best mother in UK outlet in the UK?

Yes.

I think it is, I think so.

It's got to be.

And finally we have renovated our lounge to become 100%

birthing penthouse with perfect lukewarm jacuzzi

and optional lightshow, extra fast chocolate fountain decorated

with white cotton baby boot and white cotton sheet drilled to wall.

Having a baby is also very pressure for the father

so we have built separate fathers' area so the dads can smoke,

play cards, talk politic or fight while the mother is sleeping.

MUSIC BLARES

I love my baby.

I love my baby more than you love your baby.

No. No? No. What do you say?

I love my baby so much I kill myself when she ask me for do it.

I love my baby.

Ah, you bit my back!

So, what are you waiting for? Come and to internet baby...

Shut up. ..today for free congratulation glass

of no alcohol mix wine.

We can't wait to love you and your new baby today.

Steady. Cheers. Cheers.

Haddi, no.

Steady.

One word, breathing.

The power of breathing.

I realised this the other day, it is so important to constantly be

breathing to stay alive.

Yes, it's so simple. Give yourself permission to breathe.

Breathe to keep your vital organs functioning.

Breathe to KEEP your vital organs functioning.

That is very profound, thank you for that.

Thank you. Thank you for that.

Yeah. I love that.

I love that. I might try that.

Yeah give it a go. Breathe to keep my organs functioning.

I might try that.

Not now. No, we're recording.

I don't want to try anything new.

Do it later, do it later. Yeah, later, I'll give it a go. Yeah.

Hey, guys, just thought I'd do one of these day in the life vids

since you're all asking.

Here I am, waking up. Ugh, no make-up on, I look awful.

I have to set an alarm otherwise I would sleep all day.

Can anyone relate?

Got gifted this gorgeous designer sack

and I've added this toddler's frilly bib to make me feel cute and small.

Some crazy faces in the mirror.

It's good to start every day with a bit of silliness.

Go and make coffee. Got gifted this new mug.

Oh, spilt some milk. The cleaner can get that later.

I love coffee, it's my religion.

Here I am arranging some food. Well, scraps in a bowl

and take it down to the basement.

I'm keeping a girl captive down here who my boyfriend cheated on me with.

He doesn't know she's down here and nor does anyone else.

Here she is begging for food

because I haven't fed her in like five days.

Quick fit check. I am such a hat person.

Then it's time for work.

I love working for myself.

I make and sell collages with pasta.

Stop after about ten minutes because it's really tiring.

Here I am eating a croissant. It's actually crazy how many croissants

I can eat in a day and don't put on any weight.

Get myself a little takeaway. Rice can be so small sometimes.

It's really inspiring.

Go downstairs to check on Deborah. Her real name is Charlotte

but I call her Deborah to undermine her

because it's such a sexless name and it's really crap.

I really don't like her

and the negative energy of keeping her hostage can be harsh

on my mental health but trying to be grateful always.

Here's James getting back home. Quick selfie and a glass of vino

and time for bed.

I really hope I don't hear Deborah screaming tonight.

I need to get my ten hours in. See you soon.

Right.

Hello again, you lovely lot.

You make my body feel so grape. Oops.

Come.

Me and you are a mash made in heaven.

COUGHS

Is it too hot?

Too hot, yeah.

You're a CHERRY bad boy, aren't you? Oop.

Udon... Ah! Bastard.

Just carry on.

Udon know how naughty I can be.

Hey, boy, you're really RAISIN my roof.

Oh, where's it gone?

Here it is, so tiny.

Lorraine?

No, I'm not doing it. Just come in.

No, I don't care. Why do you get to do all the small sexy stuff?

I have to do the big weird sloppy stuff.

We've spoken about this.

You just have like a more savoury look, don't you?

Sorry about that, boys.

My very bad sister is behaving very, very badly.

Lorraine, come out, the numbers are going down.

I CARP believe how horny you make me.

Do you like that, boys?

She'll be back out in a sec,

she's going to give herself a little wipe.

Look great.

Doctor, your ten o'clock is here.

Oh, brilliant, send her in.

We're ready for you.

Ah, hello, Mary. Here for your check-up?

Yes, Dr Palmer, spit spot and how are you?

I'm very well, thank you, how are you?

Yes, practically perfect in every way.

I'm looking after a couple of children at the moment.

The father's a bit emotionally repressed but with some songs

and some spoonfuls of sugar, I'm sure we'll get there in the end,

you know how it goes. Right, legs in the stirrups?

Er, yes, please. Someone's been here before.

Up I hop. Oop!

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.

Brilliant, let's have a little look, then, shall we?

Thank you.

Oh, erm, yeah. I can actually see something, hang on.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

Yes, last time I came to your office, doctor, it really was

rather dark and I thought it could do with a bit of a zhuzh.

Well, I mean, it's beautiful, thank you.

Doctor, sorry, I think you may have missed something.

Really? Surely nothing else can fit.

Doctor, why do you always complicate things that are really quite simple?

Come on, don't slouch.

One, two. OK.

Ah, so lovely!

Little treat.

Still hot.

Mary, your trade mark.

For your patients.

A framed photo of my husband.

For your wall.

My husband's sister! Mary!

She's beautiful.

Tickets to Monopoly Lifesize.

Mary, that's too kind.

It's fantastic. Take the whole family.

I think I can actually see something else.

Oh!

Wow.

Um, diddle diddle!

Oh, Bert. There you are.

Um, diddle diddle diddle, um diddle aye.

Hello, Mary. I seem to have been cleaning your chimney for years now.

Oh, Bert, do behave.

Thank you, doctor.

Bye, Mary.

Ta-ra!

Lovely to meet you, Bert.

Oh, yeah.

Mm.

Oh, they're absolutely disgusting.

Oh, Mary!

The party don't stop till I come down.

One night only, internet nails night club, sports bar opening party.

Ladies go free, men free if they pay 10.

Open all night until 12.

MUSIC: Sandstorm by Darude

Beware, if you come down, you're going to have good time.

What? What did she say?

Where you fucking going? No.

Cocktails, five for 2 and fully carpet floor all night.

Does everyone think they can handle this?

ALL: Yes.

No food on the dance floor, only sandwich.

Sandwich.

Dance with your pussy, live with your heart.

ALL: Internet nails.

Oh, bloody hell.

Next up, we have a Warburtons farmhouse batch.

It is still a white sliced but it's got a more rustic crust

and you are paying for that premium.

This might be quite good for hubby when he has a lads' night.

Yeah. Cos this is more of a male bread.

Oh, wow, yeah. With a woman's jaw, you are going to struggle

getting through that. Yeah. Yeah.

God, I'm getting neck ache just chewing that.

That is tough. God.

Be like eating through my front door.

Yeah, and I've got enough dead wood to deal with, with my husband.

What do you mean? Dead wood?

Don't get it.

Cos what I said earlier about the erection.

With your husband. Yeah, husband.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, that's very funny. Yeah, funny. Yeah.

God, my throat is sweating just trying to swallow that.

I would not buy again.

For a man, I think they might really enjoy the challenge of that, yeah.

So I'd say for a mum, zero out of ten.

Yep. For a man, or if you want to take your teeth to the gym...

Yeah. ..seven out of ten. Yeah.

My breasts are stuck in the cup holders.

Yeah, that's happened to me before.

For our last one, we have gone for a little bit

of a maverick actually here. Oh, yeah.

This is a Kingsmill Best of Both.

It still counts cos it is 50% white.

Yeah, I never usually touch anything to do with brown bread.

No. Cos I just think, where are they getting the brown from?

God. Is it poo? Is it soil? No.

Are they colouring it in with a brown pencil?

You never know with this government. No.

I have actually been using this for my kids' lunchboxes, recently.

Stop it. I know, I know, I know, I know.

One of the teachers, she actually sent home a couple of my kids

from school because they were so pale, she thought they were dead.

We thought we'd introduce some veg into their diet

and they actually love it. Brown bread is technically a vegetable

so that is actually genius, Lem.

Yeah, no, thank you. Wow. I guess we should have a try. Yeah.

Maybe it's a psychological thing.

Yeah. But if I can see my food is completely beige or white,

I can relax because I know it's been made in a factory, it's completely

sterile and it's filled with all the preservatives my body needs.

If I want nature, I can look at my screen saver.

Exactly. One out of ten.

Oh, thank you. Gorgeous, thank you.

What inspires me? The littlest things, really.

You know, a grandmother's hand,

a leaf falling from an autumn tree

or the silhouette of my perfect naked body in a mirror selfie.

I am very in tune with the earth and I'm incredibly sensitive

to the, you know, changes of this beautiful planet.

In summer, I can get very hot, and in winter, I can get very cold.

I'm someone who can really appreciate the art of just being.

I also have no inner monologue so often have nothing to say.

My perfect outfit, big sunglasses and calf leather gloves.

They have to be calf leather. Normal leather is far too rough

on my delicate skin whereas baby cow hide is soft like butter.

I actually have dysmorphia about my hair. I don't believe

I have any, even though I can see it and I really like it.

How do I spend my day?

Oh, well, I am currently obsessed with making fruit pies

so I'll whip up one of those, and then obviously I am a hedge fund

manager for one of the most powerful private equity firms in the world,

so a big chunk of the rest of my day is doing that, really.

My biggest indulgence?

My friends and family carrying me around like a baby.

People do often say to me that I'm too serious and that I never laugh,

but I think life and art is incredibly serious.

I also do have a very loose gut so if I do laugh,

I often follow through.

Something no-one guesses about me?

Well, I'm an only child.

My name is Florence Jasmine Florence

and I got a 35mm camera for Christmas.

What does mode mean?

I currently do a flat white, extra foam, double shot.

You won't believe this. I'm much more matcha at the moment.

I can't with the whole green tea thing.

It's much too grassy or fishy tasting for me.

For me, when things taste more like grass or fish, it makes me feel more

grounded, connected to the earth or like I'm at the bottom of the ocean.

You're kidding me. No.

That is incredible. Sorry, I'm just going over that in my head.

The bottom of the ocean. Those words together, they're very beautiful.

Fish and ocean, they go together.

I love that. I love that.

BOTH: We love that.

We really love that.

Hello, we are Pauline and Pat of This and That

and we own and run this wee little shop

seeing wee tiny mini wee things.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yeah, that would be nice.

Oh, oh, oh!

Just you wait.

Here you go.

Or maybe you'd prefer a coffee!

Look at that, so tiny.

Oh, no, I've gone.

That is just very small, isn't it?

So defenceless, every last little bastard one of them.

That is... Oh. Bloody hell, I've dropped it.

Every time! Look with your eyes and feel with your hands.

My eyes are knackered, my hands are two bags of bloody bats.

Oh, bloody hell. Move, I can't see nothing.

It's like the bloody sun, your head.

It's like a total eclipse of the floor.

The shop's been in our family for 50 years,

always selling tiny little wee things.

A wee owl in a priest smock.

Cooking pot filled with pills.

A wee baby holding an even weer baby.

Imagine a wee baby with an even weer baby as a friend.

I got a little ploughman's lunch here.

Tiny wee ploughman.

He loves his cheese and pickle after ploughing the field all day.

He deserves it.

Oh, jobbie, I'm going with that.

Going as well.

Just get so emotional when I think about these wee things.

Oh, no. I've just spotted a little frog in a bonnet.

Oh, don't. What the hell is a frog doing in a bonnet, for God's sake?

Oh, that's outrageous.

Oh, look at this.

He's thought to himself, it's too cold so I'm putting on a bonnet.

Oh, piss in a bag, I've bloody crushed it.

Oh, not again.

It's the hands.

We were diagnosed at a very young age

by our local doctor as genetically very clumsy.

Everyone has their cross to bear, I suppose.

And ours is having hands so girthy that we ourselves mistake them

for lorne sausage sometimes and try frying them up.

Ah!

Bastard. Oh!

Smashed.

Oh, piss.

Don't growl at me, young woman!

Tiny little pair of scissors.

Wonder if they cut.

Ah! There's the blood, yikes.

I'll get the first aid kit.

Yeah. Not the miniature one.

Because of the cloddishness,

we were never allowed near delicate things, so I think that's why

we're so drawn to little wee mini little wee tiny things, you know.

So, yeah.

Right, there you go. Here we go.

Let's have a look at that, then.

Good as new.

No, you have made that worse, in fairness.

I'm trying, Pat.

I'm telling the truth. It's all I can do. I'm trying.

Hey, hey. Oh, piss.

Hey.

Pauline? Yeah? The mail's here.

Oh, OK.

Pauline, look.

What are they?

Tweezers for the bigger hand.

Oh, my God.

It's a miracle. Give them a go.

Oh.

I'm holding the tiny piggy and I'm not crushing it.

He's completely safe from my bloody hands.

The grip on that.

Oh, God.

It's a miracle.

Hey, spend the day with me.

Wake up shivering and disorientated.

Here I am desperately trying to get some water out of my bowl,

but there's nothing left. Oh, I'm such a klutz.

Fit check, wearing a kind of soiled drip sheet,

which I think is really cute.

Here I am trying to accessorise my cage with these old rags. Oops.

I hear Molly coming down the stairs with food.

I'm so hungry, I'm begging her.

Eek, that's quite embarrassing.

Probably eat too quickly as I haven't had any food

for like five days. Greedy girlie!

I think she's keeping me here because I slept with James,

but I didn't sleep with him.

I just kissed him 17 times which isn't the same.

Girlie loves to kiss. Each to their own, I guess. No judgment here.

I just wish I had my freedom.

Then I just sit for maybe ten hours straight doing nothing.

It's really important to be mindful and present

so I just think of like a log fire or Martin Luther King's amazing

speech. He was an incredible public speaker and an inspiration to me.

I almost certainly have scurvy, which is really hard for me

but try to manifest positivity and strength.

Would be so cool if someone watching reports this to the police

but no worries if not. See you soon. Bye.

That's wide.

Don't be the change you want to see in the world.

World the change you want to see it.

Wow.

That is... Wow, I feel like I'm crying.

Am I crying?

It looks like you're crying, yeah.

Yeah, that is incredible. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you. Yeah.

Did you know you have a live bird on your head?

No.

No, I had no idea.

You do. Wow. Yeah.

BOTH: We love that. We love live birds.

We've been riding our whole lives.

I thought nothing would come between us.

I've been a bad bike daddy.

Haven't bought her in for a service in too long.

Have you gentlemen got other wheels that can cover you

while these two ladies have a few days getting pampered?

We thought we'd give the old electric for hire bikes a try.

E-bikes?

Peddle carefully, boys.

I've heard those girlies can be highly addictive.

So you just scan and she's yours?

Simple as that. Whoa, girl, she really wants to run.

So let's run. Yeehaw! Yeehaw!

Whoa, so many beauties to choose from.

My Juliets, parting is such sweet sorrow.

You're crazy, man.

Let's go to work.

Storm's a-coming.

Whoa, I can't believe how good she feels. It's like I'm flying!

Yeehaw!

Come on, girl.

This has gone too far, man. You missed the guys' trip to Penryn Bay.

Y'all know I can't take her further than zone two.

She doesn't do well off road and her charge won't last.

Take your own bike, like the good old days.

I've moved on.

I'm electric or bust.

Y'all know that.

Someone's going to end up fucking the bike.

Listen, I'm happy. We're goddamn happy.

She's just a bitch for rent.

Don't you dare talk about her like that.

Your mom called. You've had to move back in

because you've been fined so much on the app you had to go to court?

Give me a call back.

Dude, are you OK? I'm worried about you, man.

George said he saw you cycling at 5am on a Lime bike

with all your clothes off, dude.

I don't want anything to do with you and those whore bikes any more.

Come on, just one more ride.

I've been fully blocked out of the app and my momma's kicked me out.

I can't ride non-electric any more cos my calves are too weak.

I've got a serious UTI from sticking my dick into so many bike frames.

I need this! I need her!

I love her...

I've been spinning this goddamn wheel for six months.

Yeehaw, whoa!

LIME BIKE BLEEPS

Woohoo, that's my baby!

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