Original subtitles

This is the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers.

Can't wait to watch!

What do you want?

I'm trying to do attitude with two hours of ass and do my job.

I'll grow up!

With your roast master, Kathy Griffin.

A woman you make 19, 20 mistakes right away you're a twin.

And roasters, Brad Garrett, Greg Joroga,

♪ Oh please ♪

Tom Arnold, my body is falling so goddamn fast,

my gunna call this way, my heart has to be.

Jeffrey Ross, Whitney Cummings,

Gilbert Godfrey, Robin Quivers, Mario Cantone,

Melissa River,

- Oh, God.

- Donald Trump, and Carl Leibniz.

- Quivers, is it not getting good?

- I got it.

- This is the Comedy Central Roads to Joan Rivers.

And now, please welcome your host master,

Kathy Griffin.

[ Cheering ]

>> Hello, hello, hello.

We are here to celebrate the career of a groundbreaking comedian, a hugely successful

woman, celebrity apprentice champ, a true comedy icon, and a legendary bitch.

Tonight, we're here for the one and only Joan fucking Rivers.

Give it up! (audience applauding)

Yeah. We can only pray, Joan will have half as big

a nervous breakdown as she did on the celebrity apprentice.

That was juicy, wasn't it?

(speaking in foreign language)

Why trash?

No worse than Hitler!

Worse than Hitler.

And she's still one.

(audience laughing)

That's kind of the best part, isn't it?

(audience applauding)

You know why?

Because Joan has got the biggest

and maybe Harry's balls in this room.

(audience laughing)

Next to Brad Garrett.

(audience laughing)

And what an honor to have a true comedy icon here tonight, Mr. Carl Reiner.

(cheering)

- What do you mean?

- You're barely lucky.

You're luckiest people in the world.

- Carl, you're a barely living legend.

Now you remember Joan. don't you Carl?

God made her out of one of your ribs.

Now as you know, Joan and I share a large gay following.

And he's here tonight. Let's hear it for Brad Garrett.

Brad, Brad, Brad, look at you.

Sitting there with a gut full of resentment.

And by resentment I mean Ray Romano-seaman.

But for all of you homophobes out there,

beware, tonight is gonna be gayer than that kid

from American Idol this year.

Ryan Seacrest

(audience laughing)

But let's talk about the real queen of comedy.

Not only is Jonah comedian, she's an author, director,

life time,

and most importantly, she's still breathing.

And now, let's do what everyone is afraid to do.

Take a close look at Joan Rivers.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Joan Rivers!

Joan, you've been hurt like those who've been staying.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, here's my little fixie friend,

Joan Rivers.

- Joan Alexander Malenkley.

Born in Brooklyn, raised in large mine,

graduated from Barnard, five beta cap.

- I'm going $25,000 on plastic surgery.

- Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

- You kidding?

Everything.

- And you don't want us too much?

When you go to the bathroom, you have to wipe your ears.

That's when you stop.

(audience laughing)

- I've been around, I haven't just gotten here. Oh no, even you missed this other than, no he did to wipe the ears. That's when you stop. I've been around. I haven't got stop in here.

Oh, no.

Even you missed this other than--

no, he did to me last year.

Made me follow an elephant.

You look at me and I know you think you're a great star.

Bitch, I know.

He's going to [BLEEP]

meet you now.

I love you, John.

You know, I would have sex with you,

but I'm afraid that you are cousins.

[SCREAMS] Hello, everybody. I am Joan I would have sex with you, but I'm afraid that we're cousins. Yes!

Hello, everybody. I am Joan Rivers.

We're at the Oscars. Then we're going to do the dramas!

And then we'll take back the right carpet and...

Yeah!

Come in with the movie!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Can we talk?

Oh, wow, wow! Where am I getting?

I'm on the goddamn red carpet at two o'clock in the afternoon,

with a song like a hook on Miami

I am so sorry for this already saying things like who you wearing this is pathetic

Oh, come on now. Where is your mother who the fuck are you?

Lee majors

Slee major. Thank you MJ. Hey, Jessica Jessica. Jessica. What about your private lives?

Thank you for making me look like an ass.

Up to you, Melissa.

- The celebrity of Trent.

- Do I just pickle the human beat?

- Joan, she does seem so as Hitler and Buchenwald.

- I think it's kind of a crazy bit.

- [laughing]

- I despise any other question.

- How dare you hear of Oka player?

- That's beyond white trash. - Whether I win or lose, I won. - dare you, you're a poker player. That's Pion White Trash.

Where'd I win or lose? I won.

My charity is known now all over the world.

So we won.

Make me live all the time, you stupid best.

Don't leave us, you stupid best.

Don't leave us the best.

Humor was born in me, the gift of humor.

And by going on this show, if I can make you one person

out there in video instead.

And if I can hit a lot of money for doing it.

Please welcome our guest of honor this evening, my biggest idol,

Still edgy, still offensive, and still foxy

after all these years.

Joan Rivers!

[CHE PLAYING]

Everybody, Brad and Angelina are having a garage sale. Look at this.

Look at this.

Almost like new, turn around.

And this one speaks English, say something.

That's fucking enough.

All right, now.

All right, kids, go make jewelry.

I hate jewelry.

[applause]

[applause] (audience cheering)

Now a lot of people are going to joyously say a lot of terrible things about you tonight, Joan.

But as the saying goes, sticks and stones may break your bones,

but at your age you could actually break a hip taking a shit.

(audience laughing)

When Joan was born, the doctors took a look at her and said,

holy shit, we're gonna make a fortune on this one.

(audience laughing)

Then they got on the Mayflower and set sail for America.

(audience laughing)

Our Joan started out in Brooklyn as little Joan Malinsky. You know my Joanie. Jewish girls are supposed to grow up and marry doctors not support them.

Joanel is not an Orthodox Jew but men still fuck her through a sheet so they

don't have to look at that face.

face. Joan, can we talk? My guess is you don't have much of a sex life anymore. The only people you're screwing these days are your customers at QVC. By the way, I got the earrings

on. I got the earrings on. Joan Rivers collection. I love them. Joan, look, you know I adore you.

You're an inspiration to me.

You have made it possible, certainly, for every female comedian to work.

You're a trailblazer.

You're the first and last woman in the history of network late night to have a show.

You put the red carpet on the map.

Nobody watched the red carpet before Joan.

You put that whole thing on the map.

You got a fantastic career.

You're famous all over the world, and no matter where you

go or who you meet, everyone says the same thing.

Your gynecologist said the first time he took a look at you.

What an ugly cunt.

Honestly, Joan, you're my favorite.

You know that.

So let the resting begin.

All right.

Our first roster tonight

is Mr. Greg Giraldo, which is, I know,

which is the most insulting thing

you could possibly call someone.

Please welcome the hoo, Larry S. Greg Giraldo!

(audience cheering)

(upbeat music)

- Thank you, Tranny Bonaducci.

[ Laughter ]

How do you look like Ronald McDonald's

fucked Lucille Ball's corpse

than pushed it down a flight of stairs?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, shit.

What's with all the surgery, Kathy?

Lord, you've been stitched up thousands of times,

but you're still sad to look at.

You like the AIDS quilt.

[ Laughter ]

What a night.

A couple of trolls, a fairy, and a giant,

all going after a sunken-eyed little monster

who's obsessed with jewelry.

It's like the Lord of the Rings.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. It's like the Lord of the Rings. (audience laughs) (audience cheers)

Yeah.

The great Carl Reiner's here.

This is very exciting, yes.

(audience cheers)

Carl.

Carl.

You are such a comedy icon that Joan

named one of those shitty watches she sells on QVC

after you.

It's the Carl Reiner edition.

It's got liver-spotted hands and it's running out of time.

Robin Quivers, Robin, you look like a syrup bottle.

I don't mean to sound crass, but you must have an enormous pussy.

You're like Aunt vagina. Seriously.

[ Laughter ]

Mario Cantone is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Mario, you are one tiny, loud-mouthed fairy.

Your father must have been devastated

when you came out of the cupboard.

[ Laughter ] Brad Gart, everybody loves Raymond. Your father must have been devastated when you came out of the cupboard.

Brad Gart, everybody loves Raymond, holy shit.

You are a fucking monster, Brad.

How did you ever get your head so far up?

Ray Romano's ass with those bolts in your neck.

And Whitney Cummings is here for some reason.

I guess since Kathy and Joan have huge gay followings, Whitney Cummings is here for some reason. [ Laughter ]

I guess since Kathy and Joan have huge gay followings,

we needed someone with no following.

[ Laughter ]

Whitney -- Whitney's a girl who obviously knows the answer

to the question, "Hey, who do you have to blow to get on one of these roasts?"

[ Laughter ]

And speaking of degrading yourself sexually to get ahead and show business,

Tom Arnold is here. Tom -- [ Cheers and applause ] And speaking of degrading yourself sexually to get ahead and show business,

Tom Arnold is here. Tom.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It is great you can take time out from being Roseanne's ex-husband to be here.

Tom, you twitchy spaz.

Joan actually named another one of her shitty watches after you too.

It's the Tom Arnold that never stopped ticking and used to come in a giant hairy box.

And finally, finally we get to comedy legend and irritating Jewish lady,

Gilbert Godfrey to see everybody, huh?" (audience cheering) "Gilbert, holy shit, Gilbert, you look like you smell like pee."

(audience laughing)

And Gilbert's famously cheap.

I'm impressed you're here, Gilbert, you know?

'Cause, you know, when you do these things,

you gotta buy new clothes, you gotta take a week off from work.

But you showed up, you tightened your belt and you came.

You're like David Carradine.

(audience laughing)

And yes, sympathetic figure if ever there was one.

And now it really is my honor

to talk about comedy-great Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers, everybody.

(audience cheering)

This is exciting.

Joan, you are one irritating Jew broad.

The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.

What have you done to your upper lip? Did you blow a beehive?

Holy shit, you look like Steven Tyler fucked the life raft.

Seriously, you're not the only one here. All these rubber face monsters.

What the fuck? What goes into people's heads out here?

Why did you really, really?

Is that good?

How much worse could your real face look

than that clown mask you've had welded on your head?

You-- you used to look your age now.

You don't even look your species.

[LAUGHTER]

You once said you succeeded by saying what everyone else

is thinking,

and that's not true, it's not true.

I never heard you say, "Holy shit, what the fuck did I do to my face?"

I look like a surprise catfish.

Joan, you really are an absolutely incredible talent.

You're absolutely hysterical.

Every comic I know respects you, that's a God's honest truth.

Everyone thinks you're hilarious, I think you're the best.

At your age, you're still relevant, still cool,

and shit, you even got a boob job just a few years ago.

You're every man's dream. And by that, I mean every man,

a dream's of titty fucking a crocodile.

Thank you so much. Congratulations, Joan.

Coming up on the Roast of Joan River,

Jeffrey Ross, Greg Garrett, Robin Quiver,

Faro Reiner, Tom Arnold, Mario Cantone, and Joan River.

[cheering]

Can you say "make me rich"?

[cheering]

[cheering]

Our next Roaster is Mario Cantone.

You know him from Sex in the City and Sex in his Shitter.

Straight men of America, let me introduce you to someone you've never seen and never will again, Mario Cantone!

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

Oh, so warm, thank you, Kathy, for that warm introduction

said through your plastic surgery gone awry.

I always wanted to know what Andy Dick looked like

if he went to the gym.

(audience laughing)

Joan, your face is like the war in Iraq, an expensive bloody mess that everybody's tired

of seeing on TV.

Joan's Hebrew name is Nip Tuck.

This is Joan looking in the mirror.

Who are you? (audience laughing)

Joan lasted all the dead people

that should be here roasting her.

(audience laughing)

I know Betty Davis, stroke and all

is looking up from hell just going,

"Joan rivers, we are all waiting for you down here, waiting for you and your immobile face.

I had a stroke.

You know, yes, I had a stroke, but I never had any work done.

No, no, I did it the hard way.

You were the smart one, Joan.

You had plastic surgery early on. So after your stroke,

no one could have a tap. I saw that movie you guys did together. Fantastic. Great TV

movie. The two of you did about their lives. Mother and daughter. it was called Grey Gardens. (audience laughing)

- Melissa, I'm hungry, get me some canned food.

- Mother, I can't find the can opener.

- Ah, use my teacher in a jar by the sink.

(groaning)

- And you were brilliant in the vagina monologues.

Ah, my vagina talks to talk to talk to talk

and doesn't know what the fuck it's saying.

That's not true, my vagina does does talk and all it says is water

Oh

I adore you and that is the reason why I'm here. I think you're brilliant

You're funnier now than ever and that is honestly the truth

I mean you've always been brilliant you're genius So I adore you and I thank you very much and thank you very much.

And now I'm going to do something that never happens during a Hollywood pitch meeting. I'm going to bring up Tom Arnold.

And now the worst damn comedian period, Tom Arnold. (audience applauding) - Mario, thanks for lowering the bar, 'cause I don't think I could have followed Greg anyway.

(audience laughing)

You know, Kathy did the Apple Computer Billionaire,

Steve Wozniak, then he dumped her.

I guess because her face is such a pop-up blocker.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Yeah, you know what, it must feel good for Brad Garrett

to be here roasting Joan Rivers.

Because usually when Brad spend the night slamming

an ugly old whore, it costs Ray Romano $200.

(audience laughing)

Ray Romano.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Oh my God, it's Tyler Perry.

No, no.

Oh, I apologize.

I apologize.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

Greg Giraldo.

When is Hollywood going to give up on you buddy? You can kill a

pilot faster than a flock of seagulls. Well hold on, hold on, hold on, I gotta do this.

I gotta do the hang with me, hang with me here. Okay, tell me how I do.

(audience laughing)

Greg Giraldo, what is Hollywood gonna give up on this guy? He could kill a pilot faster than a flock

of geese carrying box cutters.

(audience laughing)

Greg Giraldo, he's got two geese in his name

and only 50 bucks in the bank.

(audience laughing)

Wait, wait, do the other one again,

but we'll just try it with a better punchline.

Which one? Which one?

(audience laughing)

They're both good.

All right.

Mario Cantone. Hey, buddy.

Now Mario's in the movies.

He was in that "Six in the City"

and every time the director said, take five, Mario's boyfriend

would shove his fist up his ass.

[LAUGHTER]

You guys really do that?

That's funny.

Hey, Whitney Cummings.

There, right there.

No roast is complete without an anonymous list.

Let me do it again.

You know what I mean?

Hey, Wendy Cummings.

Hey, hey, you know, no roast is complete without an anonymous.

How can I not say fucking anonymous?

I mean, a-a, for God's sake.

[laughter]

Fuck me. [cheers and applause ] -Fuck me.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You look like you've had some work done.

Have you? -No.

-No, okay, sorry.

[ Laughter ]

It's a real treat for me to be here with the great Carl Reiner

and I don't know if you know this,

but he received the Mark Twain Prize for humor.

True, true Carl? Yes, yes, yes. Yes, that's true.

What can you say? And then ten years later Mark Twain received the Carl Reiner Prize for humor,

which was...

and now, on to the guest of honor, Ms. Joan Rivers.

(applause)

You know, I heard you spit over 100 grand on your face,

and I'm going to tell you something that was money well spent.

That baby is tight, and you know the old saying,

"You don't fuck the face."

Well, in your case, I'll take my chances.

Plus, that work is going to save your daughter Melissa fortunate taxiderby costs so she can

still cart you around to keep her career going.

Hey, hey, hey.

I don't mean to sound judgmental, I just hate it when someone uses a much more famous

relative to further their own career.

Melissa, that's my gig bitch.

Okay, see what you want about Joan Rivers, but she's an icon, a real diva, which by the way is what they call a cunt when she's still sitting in the room.

[laughter]

Believe me, I know.

[laughter]

But I seriously, I love and respect you.

I watched that Ed Sullivan with my father.

He was a kid back in Iowa.

At an age when most people take it easy because they're dead,

you keep getting bigger.

But more importantly,

Joan keeps the comedy coming,

saying things that would destroy a younger,

less-c-now comics career.

Thank you, Joan. Thank you.

[applause]

Coming up,

Jeffrey Watts,

our "O'Rourke" and Joan Rivers.

Good evening, America.

I'm Donald Trump, and I'm not here to tell you roast jokes. Frank America, I'm Donald Trump.

And I'm not here to tell you roast jokes.

Frankly, it's beneath me.

And in fact, even doing cable, I only do network.

I don't do this kind of stuff, and I don't like it.

I'm here to announce my greatest, most ambitious construction project yet.

The Joan Rivers Facial and Body Renovation. And that is a big job.

My train-dye tells me since 1982 you've been condemned from the waist down. And like most

dilapidated structures, you haven't been entered in decades. But I, Donald Trump, promise

you no expense will be spared in your reconstruction. We'll tempt you, fumigate you,

and if necessary, send in a hazmat team

to remove all hazardous materials found in that toxic pool

you call a vagina,

which has already been responsible for at least one fatality.

Trump Rivers will be one of my biggest projects ever.

But Donald Trump is up for the challenge to make you

what we in real estate business call Dick Friendly.

Okay, I made that word up.

I think you're a wonderful person

and I'm proud to be your boss.

You were fantastic on the apprentice.

You beat a lot of very smart people

and some that weren't so smart. But

you know what, if you're not there on time on Monday, your ass is fired.

[applause]

Yuck. Oh, I mean, our next roaster is Jeff Ross. Unfortunately, Jeff can be seen on the

cover of his new book and it's available at Petco. Sleeptide everybody. Here's Jeff Ross. Unfortunately, Jeff can be seen on the cover of his new book

and it's available at Petco.

Sleeptide everybody, here's Jeff Ross.

(audience applauding)

Whoo!

- Nip tuck, what the fuck?

This is a roast, it's an autopsy.

Let's face it, Joan Rivers is so old.

If you Google her, you can find her

on Craig's and Schindler's list.

(audience laughing)

Wow.

Joan had a difficult choice to make,

whether to do this roast or be the fifth celebrity

to die this month.

(audience groans)

Oh, that's funny.

(audience laughs)

This is such an honor for me Joan.

You were my great, great, great grandmother's

favorite comedian.

(audience laughs)

Who knows? Maybe next year we'll roast the younger rivers.

Of course I'm talking about the Amazon and the Euphrates.

(audience laughing)

Oh, can we talk?

This woman is a legend.

A legend.

True.

(audience cheering)

True.

(audience cheering) Amazing. [cheers and applause] That's true. [cheers and applause]

Amazing.

Have you seen her new YouTube video?

Call Forget Matt Damon.

I fuck Charlie Chaplin.

[laughter]

Who's your plastic surgeon? Tim Burton?

[laughter]

Oh, my God. Kanye's mom had a better plastic surgeon.

[laughter] Oh my god, Kanye's mom had a better plastic surgeon.

[audience groans]

Thank you. May she rest in peace.

Oh, but all kidding aside, Joan, I think you're incredibly sexy.

I would fuck you like there's no tomorrow.

Because for you, that's a distinct possibility.

[audience laughs] Oh, look at her, she's a cougar! Fettie cougar. Holy shit, Kathy Griffin, I

wouldn't fuck you with chastity Bono's new dick.

I don't know. It's probably big.

And I see Brad Garrett is here. If you like my act, you can see it again later when Brad comes up.

This guy has two writers. Her names are cut and paste. Oh, and I see the great Carl Reiner is here.

This is so cool, man.

[APPLAUSE]

Carl, seriously, congrats on being on color TV

for the first time.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah.

Actually, tonight I should call you Van,

because you're sitting between a dick and a dike.

[LAUGHTER] Actually tonight I should call you Van because you're sitting between a dick and a dike. Wow we call Riner Joan Rivers. It's weird to see the limos parked in the

handicap spots. Oh there's my friend the lovely Robin

whoever's great to see Robin. Yeah. Let's face it) Let's face a Robin. Without the Howard Stern Show,

you only think you'd be singing until a microphone would be

"Welcome to Popeyes, may I take your order?"

(laughter)

Tom Arnold is here. I guess that's a joke on us, huh?

(laughter)

Of course tonight is actually a benefit It's a joke on us, huh? (audience laughing)

Of course tonight is actually a benefit for Joan Rivers' favorite charity, Melissa Rivers.

(audience laughing)

Oh, look at her, the lovely Melissa.

Look at that, you're like a chip off the old face.

(audience laughing)

You have your mother's nose.

(audience laughing)

It's in the will.

[ Laughter ]

You're amazing, Joan.

Forty years of telling her like it is,

you got the biggest balls in the business,

and Joan, her whole life, all she wanted to just be considered

in one of the guys.

And good news is, your doctor says you're only three surgeries away.

(audience laughing)

The real truth is Joan, it's like I read your,

when I was a beginning comedian,

I read your memoir, "Enter Talking,"

and you talk about how hard it was starting out for you.

And I was a beginning comic, and you really inspired me.

Your stories taught me that if you're willing

to enjoy the process, you can go pretty much

anywhere in this life.

So I love you a lot.

Thank you, Mamaloo.

All right.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Coming up, Robin Quiber, Scrat Garrett,

Carl Reiner, and Joan Rivers.

[CHEERING]

All right, everybody.

The next roaster is the great Carl Reiner.

And...

The great Carl Reiner!

We're lucky to have him because it's putting night at the home.

Now look!

He's such an old comedy legend. He even smells funny.

Here comes Sponge Bath Squarepants, Mr. Kyle Reiner.

I cannot believe it.

I started in television in 1948.

And no, no, I'm not asking for applause.

And the things we couldn't say on the Dick Fenn--

on the Dick Fenn dive show, we were not

allowed to say the word pregnant.

We couldn't say the word pregnant.

And today, for the first time, I

feel freed. Free of loss, free of loss, great, great. I want to try out my newfound freedom. [laughter]

Fuck!

[cheering]

[applause]

Let me throw in just a shit.

Oh, that's nothing.

But by the way, has anybody tonight,

I don't think so, has anybody used the word,

"cock sucker"?

(audience laughs)

I did it!

Oh, I wish my mother and father were alive to see this.

To see this, their son has made it.

He's a modern kid.

(audience laughs) I really am thrilled to be here, The seed is, their son has made it. He's a modern kid.

I really am thrilled to be here and I was thrilled that you stood up and gave me an applause. I didn't think you knew me. I swear to God. You all laughing.

Forget how beloved I am. When you're 87, you'll forget a lot of things.

Anyway, I made some notes which I can't read.

Oh, oh, yes, yes, yeah.

You all pot shot around.

I was saying, I was trying to think of something good dirty,

thing I could, you know, the best dirty jokes,

the best filth, the best filth I've heard in years.

And I couldn't compete with that, but I do remember when I did, oh God, lovely George Burns. I went back to his

dressing room and I said, George, you know, I said, you always talk about, you know, frick

and frack and your vaudeville career, but you never talk about things serious, your family,

yourself, you're like, I'd like to find out. He said, what do you want to know? I said,

well, for instance, I said, I'm 60 already. What do I have to look forward to in my, you know, sex life?"

And he said to me, "Which I give to you, you can all use it." Because it's true. He said,

"Have you ever tried to put an oyster in a slot machine?" And that's the only dirty one I got. Anyway, I wick a

pedia you'd you today. Did you feel it? Anyway, there are pages and pages and pages and among all of this, her real dream was

to be a serious actress.

And you know what happened?

It's really, it's cruel, it's cruel.

She walked on a stage and they started to laugh at her.

She was deadly serious and people have been laughing at her and laughing at her.

If we want to do her a big favor, we'll stop laughing at her. She wanted to go Joan of

Auk. I would love to see Joan burn to the stake, wouldn't you? Anyway, my last word,

Would you?

Anyway, my last word and this is a word I have never ever said

Anywhere and I heard it tonight, and I'm gonna try to say it I really very hard for me to say who was brought up with the you know the Hayes office and all those censors

It's the word for vagina

It's the word for vagina. I'm gonna make an attempt. I'm gonna make an attempt. Please get me through this. If I get through this, I can go on to the next level.

I'm 87. I'll go on to who knows? 88. Anyway, anyway, I'm gonna try to say it.

(audience laughs)

- Cut! (audience cheers)

(dramatic music)

- Thank you, Mr. Reiner.

Rest in peace.

All right, now wait a minute.

All this is happening.

It's out.

Where's Melissa?

Melissa, why aren't you on stage tonight?

Why aren't you sticky up for your poor mother here, who

stood up for you in the celebrity apprentice when

you're running around with that fake cast?

Now come on, get up here and make your mom a proud.

Come on.

Let's hear it for Melissa.

The best thing to ever come out of Joan, Melissa Rivers.

I'm really who want to come up here for three reasons.

One, unlike the rest of the people up here on this stage, I'm aware that I'm not a comedian.

[APPLAUSE] Two, I haven't had much sleep.

I had a terrible, terrible nightmare last night

that I was at my mother's funeral.

The worst part was I was 75.

[LAUGHTER]

And three, to be really, really honest,

it has hurt me very much to hear you call my mother

obnoxious and foul mouth crude, cheap and loud and you are all wrong because she is not loud.

She was an amazing mother growing up. She taught me everything about life, love and sex.

I remember so clearly. So clearly when I asked her what's a blow job and without hesitation she said to me,

"50 bucks, two dinners and a watch."

[laughter]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

But the truth is Mom, none of these comedians, no one in this room, would be here tonight

without you.

[applause]

I love you Mom, congratulations on this incredible night.

Coming up, Gilbert Godfrey, Brad Garrett, and Joan Rivers.

[CHEERING]

Our next roaster is no stranger to comedy, just laughter.

It's Brad Garrett at 6'8", the biggest joke in show business.

Please welcome the comedy "Tollicost", Brad Garrett!

[applause]

Wonderful, thank you. Great to be here tonight.

Joan, you look amazing. You're a regular Lucy Lou. (audience laughs)

Just fucking eyes.

Every time I look at you, I'm ready to order.

(audience laughs)

Look at this dais.

Is this unbelievable?

I mean, you have to be saying to yourself,

is this really the best we could do?

The only missing person here is Jared from Subway.

(audience laughs)

I mean, look at these fucking names. Whitney

Cummings hasn't even heard of Whitney Cummings. The only reason why Tootie from

Fox to Life isn't here is because Tom Arnold said yes. Look at you Tom, Jesus

Christ, you got the nervous system of a squirrel. You're sitting there sweating like a fag eating a corn dog. Come on Arnold,

how can you do so much coke and still be that fucking fat? The only reason Robin Quivers is here tonight is because sooner or later one of us is going

to need turn down service.

All she does on Howard Stern's show is interrupt people who are funnier than her.

I mean, come on.

If I want to hear a black woman step on a laugh, I'll go see the hangover at a Magic

Johnson Theater.

Come on, Robin. go see the hangover at a Magic Johnson Theater. (audience laughing)

Come on, Robin.

(audience laughing)

And we have the great Carl Reiner.

Carl, you were amazing tonight.

Too bad you couldn't be here to see it.

(audience laughing)

You're so fucking old.

He's watching me right now in black and white.

(audience laughing) Not many people know this, but Carl goes way back. He's so fucking old. He's watching me right now in black and white.

Not many people know this but Carl goes way back. He actually owned Robin's grandpappy.

Little slavery history tonight. Carl is 87 years old and he likes it. Tell everybody what great shape he is and I saw him backstage and he said, "Brad, I may be 87 years old,

"but I can still touch my toes."

I said, "Yeah, but it doesn't count

"when you do it with your balls."

(audience laughs)

And now we come to the wonderful Joan Rivers.

Yes indeed.

Joan has been,

(audience cheers)

Hi, baby.

(audience applauds)

Joan has been in show visits for 50 years

and still going strong.

Joan has had her face on more red carpets than an Irish lesbian ladies and gentlemen.

Joan and I know this is the fact Joan has fucked moral Jews than Bernie Madoff.

Both of you know that Joan, she sells beauty products on QVC.

I don't have a joke for that.

I just think that it's hilarious in a tragically ironic way.

So much for truth in advertising.

How Joan, Joan's face has been lifted so many times

that when she sneezes, she has to blow her clit.

(audience laughing)

So you could have said that, Carl. You can come back up here and say, "Blowing clit!" (audience laughing) So you could've said that, Carl.

You can come back up here and say,

"Blowing client!"

(audience laughing)

Joan's face has been lifted more times

than Bristol Palin's prom dress.

Can you say that?

(audience laughing)

Joan, you're a great comic.

And I just wanna thank you for letting me be part of this tonight.

You are truly a legend in your own time and I know that deep down, you have a great comic, and I just want to thank you for letting me be part of this tonight. You are truly a legend in your own time,

and I know that deep down, you have a very, very warm heart.

You're only original part left.

And Joan, I know at a different time,

maybe in a different world that you and I could have

had a shot.

If only I was into necrophilia.

(audience laughing)

Congratulations, Joan.

We love you.

(audience applauding)

- Coming up, Robin Quiver, Whitney Cummings and Joan Rivers.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪

Our next roster is Robin Quivers.

You love Robin. Everyone here arrived by limos.

She got here on coattails.

That's right. Howard Sterns the reason you subscribe to Sirius,

and she's the reason you subscribe to antiquated racial stereotypes.

Here's Robin Quivers!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Kathy.

I feel so at home up here.

Maybe it's because my show is also hosted

by a frizzy-haired loudmouth

with a nose job and a tiny penis.

(audience laughing)

Gilbert Gottfried.

Actually, Gilbert is the voice over king.

He does the parrot and a laddon,

the duck and the afflac commercial, and the

gerbil in Mario's ass.

Please, Mario is so gay he has to do a Brazilian wax for the pubes and his teeth.

(audience applauding)

Carl Reiner is here, I'm so excited. (audience applauding)

By the way, Joan, if you have a message for Edgar,

Carl will be seeing him in a couple of weeks.

(audience laughing)

Greg Giraldo, what a sad, sad career you have.

You can't even get a meeting with AA.

(audience laughing)

Don't laugh, Tom Arnold.

Your career is so bad, the director's cut

of your last movie was him slashing his wrists.

(audience laughing)

Your next film is gonna be Two Girls, One Cup, and Tom Arnold. (audience laughing) Your next film is gonna be Two Girls, One Cup,

and Tom Arnold.

(audience laughing)

I'm actually surprised to see all of these people here

because Joan, you're not well-liked.

You've been called bitch more times

than a white guy serving a life sentence.

(audience laughing)

(sighing)

Actually Joan, there's no point in trashing your face

because your surgeon already did that for us.

[laughter]

By the way, love to you and saw.

[laughter]

Your face doesn't move.

I can't believe they haven't hired you to host New Year's Rockin' Eve.

In closing, what do you call a woman who's broken down barriers for female comics?

A comedian who's entertained us and our families on TV for years. What do you call an icon, a beloved icon that's part of the fabric of this country?

You call her Carol Burnett.

But we love you anyway, Joan. Good night.

I love you. I love you.

(audience applauding)

All right everybody, our next performer is Whitney Cummings.

Now I'm not saying she fucked someone to get on this dais,

but when she saw the couch she did bend over.

Chelsea hand job, I mean Whitney Cummings.

Give it up for Whitney.

(audience applauding) I mean Whitney Cummings! Give it up for Whitney! [ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Keep it going for Chucky!

[ Laughter ]

There are so many legendary comedy icons here tonight,

but you guys are so old.

If this day has had a website,

it'd be called "Funny or Dying."

I don't know if I should be telling jokes

or calling out bingo numbers.

Carl Reiner, absolute legend.

Such a pleasure to meet him.

Yeah, if you guys have not seen his body of work,

please check it out online at WebMD.

Gilbert, God free us here.

Gilbert, what is with the squinting?

Stop looking for Jeff Ross' dick.

You're never gonna find it.

(audience laughing)

Gilbert's always been a big inspiration to me.

Gilbert, I used to love when you'd do that thing

where you would smash watermelons on stage.

(audience laughing)

Speaking of watermelon, Robin Quivers is here.

(audience laughing)

Robin does only sleep with white men. Robin's fucked so many white guys.

Abercrombie and Fitch took out ad space on her taint. Robin's vagina is like the

first five minutes of a movie. It's never been seen by a black guy. Robin [ Laughter ]

Robin Quivers is slept with so many white guys,

her hymen hasn't even broken yet.

[ Laughter ]

Speaking of people who make my vagina dry up,

Greg D'Roldo's here.

Greg, the only work you ever get is this roast. No one has any idea who you are.

You're like the Jeff Ross of comedy. The only thing lower than Greg

Drollo's ticket sales is Mario Cantones T-cell count. No, stop it. I love Mario Cantone, okay?

We're actually neighbors.

I just found that out on Megan'slaw.com.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

Tom Arnold is here, everybody.

Tom and Roseanne were like the original tabloid couple.

You guys were like John and Kate plus an eight ball.

[audience laughs] original tabloid couple. You guys were like John and Kate plus an eight ball.

And now for the amazing Joan Rivers everybody. Joan Rivers, yes, come on.

Joan, I love doing the wrestler.

(audience laughing)

John Rivers has done some TV. I actually recently saw her vagina

on an episode of The Deadliest Catch.

(audience laughing)

I can't imagine what that vagina looks like.

Joanl's vagina is so old,

it has a separate entrance for black cops.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

All jokes aside, Joan, you're my hero,

you're my biggest inspiration.

It is an absolute honor to be here.

Thank you so much for having me, I love you.

Thank you so much.

(audience cheering) Thank you so much for having me. I love you. Thank you so much. [APPLAUSE]

Thank you so much.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

Coming up on the roast of Joan Rivers, Gilbert Godfrey

and Joan Rivers.

You look very thin.

You look anorectic.

Fake wrist.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING] [cheers and applause]

All right, everybody.

Our final roaster is Gilbert Gottfried.

You may have seen him standing exactly

501 feet outside an elementary school.

[laughter]

Here's the always a little too touching

Gilbert Gottfried.

[cheers and applause] Gilbert Gottfried. (audience applauding)

- Thank you, keep it going for Swamp Thing. (audience laughing)

How lucky we are that Swamp Thing

would come shambling out of the swamp,

put on a dress, smear on some makeup

and host the show tonight.

Swamp thing, it's an hilarious.

Now it's great to see Robin Quivers here.

Anyone who listens to the Howard Stern Show

has heard Robin talk about being molested by her father.

She won't shut up about it.

She's very proud of it.

But what Robin Quivis conveniently

leaves out of her delightful anecdote

is that even as a kid, she was so ugly that her father would

close his eyes and fantasize about her sister.

Who was no looker herself, I may end?

And when he was done pillaging that only daughter, he used to whisper, "Don't tell anyone, because

he was embarrassed."

Oh, that shame that that poor man must have felt, having to hide the fact that his molestation

standards were so low. You know, there's been a lot of speculation tonight about Joan Rivers Vagina.

How old is it?

How dry is it?

How many men died during this construction?

Well, good people.

I have had sex with Joan Rivers, and I can tell you from experience that her much

malign vagina is in fact a glorious thing of unparalleled beauty.

It was early in my career I walked into the green room at Caturizing Star.

Who do I see the great Joan Rivers? At this point in my life I'd already had sexual

Congress with dozens of Joan Rivers impersonators. And most what total gentleman? I've missed

a Mario Kento. But Joan was an animal. She quickly desrobed her air she yellow veiny skin, was cold and smooth to the touch like

a dead Komodo dragon.

Which made my young comics custard cannon rock hard. (audience laughing) She spread her legs and I was immediately blinded

by a flurry of bats.

(audience laughing)

When the bats had cleared, I saw it.

The fabled Joan Rivers vagina.

It was magnificent.

A gleaming pink flower glistening with morning dew.

It filled the room with sunshine and rainbows.

A unicorn looked out of it, winking.

That's it to beckon me inside.

Take me, Joan Hish.

Fill me with your seed, so I may live another century!

She climbed atop two cases of rolling rock and began thrusting her heavenly evenly loins onto my young comic's goobazooka.

I shouted, "Take it all, my mubby."

Then she exploded, sending a hot rush of love slime,

sloshing to the floor, where it burned a hole

into the sewer below.

[laughter]

Spent, I felled back with tumbling into the furiously

masturbating, tarmonled.

[laughter]

Only to watch the great shown rivers slither away

into the open drain pipe.

[laughter] slither away into the open drink pipe.

I'll never forget that sight, because I haven't been able to open my eyes since. [applause]

Anyway, here's an old one.

Brad Garrett walks into a bathroom.

He sees a leprechaun taking a piss.

He grabs a leprechaun and says, "I've caught you.

Now you have to grant me a wish.

I want to hit sitcom on Fox and the little pillow says,

"for that you'll have to let me screw you in the ass."

Next thing you know, he's banging away at Brad Garrett's gritty bungal.

And Brad says, "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun fuck me in the ass."

Then Mario can't tell him, says, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun."

Good night! [ Cheers and applause ]

Coming up, Joan Rivers gets a revenge.

[ Cheers and applause ]

And now it's time to bring up the man of the hour,

Comedy legend Joan Rivers.

[ Cheers and applause ] man of the hour, comedy legend Joan Rivers. [APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

Shit, I'm a bitch!

- Ow, ow!

- I wanna come on here, God damn,

practice this wall. - Oh yeah, shut up.

(audience cheers)

I know this must be a rose, hello, ha ha ha.

But let me just tell you something,

I am disgusted.

And I am appalled by what I have witnessed here tonight.

I have been a comic for more than 40 years, 40 years.

Yes.

(audience cheering)

And after hearing the filth that came out of your

disgusting filthy mouths!

I am embarrassed for my profession.

I respect my craft, and tonight I watch all of you

defile it with vulgarity.

You took a comedy legend and you destroyed this poor son of a bitch.

Can you hear that call?

You used to work clean. do you remember that at all?

What'd you say to me, "Fuck!"

You said, "Shit!"

You said, "Con't!"

You never said that in your routine.

You say that for a homo in the synagogue call for money.

I'm so sick of this!

And ashamed!

heart. You know what you are darling? You are a thief. (audience applauding) I'm Kathy Griffin.

And happy griffing!

You know what you are darling?

You are a thief.

Yes.

You know what you are, darling?

You are a thief.

Yes, you stole my act, you stole my gaze,

and you stole the face of the Burger King.

I am not happy with this.

(audience applauding)

Who else won with chocolate?

Robin, you were supposed to be in class.

That's why we booked you. Oh, my God.

What you said was so too good about the father.

Oh, oh, when you do the Howard Stern Show,

every time it's a break, she goes,

"Oh, my father molested me.

My father molested me.

Take a good look at yourself, darling.

Let me tell you something.

You should be thrilled that that man paid any attention at all."

(audience laughing)

I saw you naked backstage, bitch.

You look like a fucking mudslide.

I don't even talk about you.

(audience cheering)

I don't know why I'm here.

Which brings me to Brad Garrett.

Brad, you have the nerve to criticize me.

The only thing lower than your show's ready

is a call on his balls.

Show 'em, call!

(audience laughs)

Wake 'em up!

And now I just have to talk about you, honey.

Who the fuck are you?

I know you're such a...

(audience laughs) Whitney came to me all sweet Oh, who the fuck are you? I know you're just...

Whitney came to me all sweet and went to your vice, me young comedian, I want you to...

I'll give you advice.

I'll give you the same advice I gave to David Carradine.

Hang in there.

Now...

And speaking of men and fishnets, I love that transition.

What am I going to say to you, Mario?

Welcome to the dais.

Dorothy, you're not in Ken's ass anymore.

You're in the big job.

You took a shit last week and Rock Hudson came out.

I'm in the "Shh."

Who's left?

Greg, when they said to me,

"Greg Giraldo is going to be on the show."

I said, "Who the fuck is Greg Giraldo?"

And then I thought, "This is wrong."

And I went and I googled you.

And you know what Google said?

"Who the fuck is Greg Giraldo?"

(laughter) But I thank you for coming. who the fuck is Gregoronda? (audience laughing)

But I thank you for coming.

- Thank you.

- Which brings us to Gilbert Godfrey.

- Whoo!

- I am a 76 year old woman.

I sat there.

I haven't got that much fucking time left.

Your set was longer than Bernie Madoff's prison sentence. I mean on...

Over your fucking eyes the audience is leaving you asshole.

Sick of you.

You are loud, you are obnoxious. You make me ashamed to be Jewish.

I have become a Jew hater tonight. You know what I'm going to do?

You don't want to do it? I leave you. I am going to do it.

Malibu. And I'm going to give Mel gifts on a blowjob.

That's how I'm going to do it.

[cheering]

That's how I say it. Thank you.

[cheering]

(audience cheers)

I was going to make it an announcement tonight that I was going to retire.

This was going to be it for me.

I wanted to spend my golden years

of my wonderful daughter Melissa,

my beloved grandson, Cooper.

I was...

(audience laughs)

I was just gonna sit back,

but after tonight's show

, no,no, I cannot leavecomedy

in the hands of these untalented people. No, comedy, comedy,

and. I say this with humility.

Comedy needs me. Comedy needs me.

Yes. Yes.

Down. Down

Comedy needs Joan Rivers.

And even more than comedy,

and I say this American needs Joan Rivers.

Yes.

American needs Joan, will you cue the fucking flag please?

Thank you, American needs Joan Rivers. And that is why tonight I swear to you I am going

to keep comedy forever going in this country. I will not retire to you understand me. I

plan to be around for the next hundred years

Just like herpes for your least expected. I will be there as long as they're a body parts

I will be there. I will get arms. I will get legs. These are ready a chastity bono's breath

I am going to be there

Take a good look at this face America America. Give me a close up.

Like that close, get back, you asshole.

This, this is the face of comedy.

And just like our flag behind me,

this face has been battered,

this face has been burnt,

this face has been spat on.

But I am proud to say, just like our flag in its lifetime

This face also has had 50 stars on it

Let's go home. Do you remember where you live?

Thank you all and God bless America! I don't know!

Don't take everything very well,

and you can see it's utter chaos here.

- I was expecting dirty language.

I was surprised.

- She wasn't the gold medalist of insult comedy before.

She definitely is now.

- This really is the first time I've been in a roast

where everybody, not counting me,

but everybody was super good.

- She was stellar.

Everybody hit it out of the park.

I'm surprised I'm still standing.

It's like a lot of money.

There'd be a watch that was invisible to the public but still made you want to f*** it.

My highlight of the show was when they said it was over.

Love you, Joni.

I love you and...

It's just so thrilling.