Original subtitles

Come on, Bear. We don't want to be left out.

If this is Grossman's idea, maybe we do.

Hey, what's the name of that team?

King... King Charles Troop from the East Coast.

Sounds more like a rock group. You sure they play basketball?

Hey, buddy.

Yeah, according to our self-appointed coach, they're pretty good.

I was afraid of that.

What's wrong? Don't you like competition?

It's just that every time we get involved in some kind of charity game,

basketball, softball, whatever...

We get wiped out. Yeah, but not this one. This is special. It's exhibition

game for underprivileged children. It's going to be fun, even if we do get beat.

Yeah, well, in the meantime, I'm developing a wipeout complex. Be

careful. For the first time, you're going to become humble.

At ease.

Wait. One at a time.

I don't take shorthand, and you people are confusing me.

Yeah, that's done him, coach.

I know what he better be telling me.

This is a co-ed basketball team, right, Grossy?

Well, Grossy, as your coach, I intend to be scrupulously fair, okay? Now, no

lineup decisions will be made until after the practice.

You'll be informed of the time and place.

For the moment, that's all I have.

I'll play the right side, top of the key.

I think that I will go out for prone.

I beg your pardon?

It's my best position.

Wait a minute. I recognize that look. Now, what great idea is churning in that

fertile mind of yours?

If it works, exhibition or no exhibition, there'll be no wipeout on

the basketball court.

We'll be forever grateful.

Yeah, well, just one thing.

You're gonna have to get along without me for a day or two.

Well, uh, I'll muddle through.

Do you want to move the car off the road, please?

Come on, move it, would you?

And ruin a $100 radio?

No, thanks. I'll change it right here.

Look, which would you rather buy, a new tire or a cemetery plot? Now, come on,

move your car. I'm going to have it moved for you.

Hold those up, Grossy!

What are we going to do now? Find another road?

What's wrong with this one?

Those are cops. The sooner they find our burnt offering, the sooner we get paid.

Right. Just don't get too brave, huh?

Andrew, trust me.

Since you guys are so concerned, how about grabbing a lug wrench?

I got a basketball game tonight.

Gotta save my arm.

If you like, we'll call for some assistance.

Give some guy 15 bucks for slapping on a spare?

Forget it.

Suit yourself.

But be careful out here, would you?

Did Ponce imitate he just missed making off city in high school?

Yeah, the day we met. We shook hands and five minutes later he told me.

Took him that long, huh?

Come on, let's go.

Let's go. Get it going. Come on.

You smell what I smell?

Whoever torched that thing had enough gasoline to float a battleship. At least

there wasn't anybody in it. We could be thankful for that, anyhow.

Arsonists with a conscience.

There's no such animal.

Hey, I wonder if that kid over there saw anything.

You're never going to find out unless you go ask him, are you?

Come on, Bruce.

You

see

that, Frank?

What have I been telling you? You see what can happen when you buy a trailer?

You're not being fair, Mariel.

Fair? I didn't buy this mess that we're dragging along behind us. You did.

You know, it's not the trailer you saw, right?

What you're really sore about is that for once I'm going to get to do what I

want to do on my vacation.

I'm going to get to go fishing.

Yeah, where there's no motels, no restaurants, no souvenir shops.

Yeah, and I'm going to get to save a fortune.

I hate you, Frank.

I really do.

I suppose at one time, Ponch was the best kite flyer in East L.A.

Hear Ponch tell it. He wasn't second best at anything.

I hear what you're saying.

Hi there, son. You got a minute?

It was two guys in a blue van.

I was gonna come over soon as I got my kite down.

Two sticks, some string, sports page.

That's the kind I used to make.

Want to try it?

Fantastic.

Now, as you were saying, And two guys stopped over there. They unhooked their

trailer and split.

Couple seconds later, wham-o.

What more can I tell you?

Okay, I'm gonna need your name and address, all right? Sure.

I was?

Look, maybe I can arrange for Paunch to give you a kite flying lesson.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I still

think five

bucks for a homemade kite is kind of steep, don't you think?

Took you all day to figure that out, huh?

Hold this for me, would you?

Fine coach you turned out to be. I didn't invent paperwork.

You big shots did.

I was telling him, Grossy. Hey, before I put you guys to shame with a basketball,

let me guess. That barbecue trail this morning was stolen, right?

How many of these brilliant deductions has he come up with today?

Let's see. I think I lost count of them now.

One other thing. I bet the owner and the thieves were in cahoots. Yeah, insurance

ripoff. RVs that people can no longer afford to gas up, pull around, or make

payments on.

At least we got a description of the van.

Yeah, it cost me five bucks.

Hey, partner, you had a busy day. Yeah, I missed you. Have a nice vacation?

Busy, busy, busy.

He's up to something sneaky. I can feel it.

Ah, come on, coach. You'll love it.

Let's get with it, eh?

I'm going to be watching.

They're good.

What do you think, Turner?

Well, they're black.

Not too tall.

Portable TV belongs to my wife.

Everything else goes with the unit.

It's hard to believe you're asking so little for your equity.

Why is that?

Write-off. I'm a building contractor.

Oh, I get it.

What Uncle Sam doesn't know doesn't hurt him, right?

When I know you better, I'll give you the answer.

How much is it insured for? 20 grand.

I wouldn't advise you to carry any less.

You owe the bank how much?

$10,000 and change.

Give me the down, take over the payments, and she's all yours.

Here.

Give me a call.

I just might do that.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Evans.

My pleasure.

Andrew?

Oh, Mr. Polwalt. Got a second?

Why are we taking off?

I would prefer that night watchman not to get a closer look at us. That old

bull is so... What difference does that make?

Probably none.

Why take a chance?

Are we kissing off the better part of 10 grand?

I bet you two bits we picked up a nail in that motel parking lot. I don't know

why I ever listen to you. We can still be at the lake before dark.

Change the tire and let's get going. Change what tire? I don't have a spare.

What do you mean you don't have a spare? It's in the truck.

On top of my white suitcase.

No, honey. Look, that tire's for the pickup truck. I never thought I was

going to need a spare for the trailer.

That was a brand new hunk of rubber.

Honestly, Frank, how you figure to outsmart a trout is far beyond me. It's

dangerous here.

Would you get back in the truck?

You're crazy.

It's got to be 110 degrees in there. All right, don't get back in the truck.

Walk up here on the shoulder.

We don't need any more trouble than we got. What are you going to do, make a

spare tire?

I'll tell you what, I'll go over to that house over there and call the garage or

a filling station.

Do like I told you.

Please!

I didn't hit him.

He fell.

You all right, mister? Let's have a look at you, all right? Yeah, I'm fine, fine.

I just stumbled.

Help me up, will you?

Incredible. Here, I'm just in front of me.

Is that true, mister?

Yeah.

Holy mackerel.

What a mess.

You heard? Don't move. Just stay where you are. No way, man. Get me out of

here.

Oh, Frank, stop. I've never been so frightened in my whole life. Me too.

That makes two of us. When I heard those brakes and saw you fall, oh, Frank.

Honey, I'm all right. All I did was just hurt my leg a little bit.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

Oh, look on the bright side.

Truck and a trailer, a complete wife house.

Yeah. But everybody's up and around all right.

Oh, thank the Lord. That is the best news I've heard since we left Indiana.

Are you folks on vacation?

Yes, sir.

So far, it has been a laugh a minute.

Muriel, don't start.

I'm going to hear about this the next 100 years. Oh, you can count on it,

mister. I'll probably get sued by everybody for a half a mile around.

Besides, oh, well, that wouldn't surprise me.

You hear that?

Do you hear that? All because you couldn't go fishing without that stupid

trailer. The next time I get a flat tire, I'll just send my wife to the

phone.

Do you have your driver's license, please?

Oh, it's in the trailer.

to you, so I suggest you contact your insurance agent and tell him the whole

story as soon as possible.

And you better keep him informed of your whereabouts, okay? We will.

Oh, and guys, thanks a lot. You've been wonderful.

Do you like fish?

We'll drop some off for you on our way home.

See what I mean?

Nothing ever changes.

Have a nice vacation.

Thanks.

Let me get this straight.

For $2,000, 10% of my insurance, you guys will burn my motor home

to the ground.

Is that the proposition?

With nothing in advance.

Thank you.

When the insurance pays you, you pay us.

You mean, if it pays?

Granted. These things are always investigated.

Sooner or later, however.

Unless they can prove you were involved, the insurance company must pay you.

That way you settle with the bank first. You got a bundle of money left over.

That should beat that tax write-off you were talking about, doesn't it?

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted.

But what you're proposing is a crime.

And I'm not a criminal.

You say you're a contractor, Mr. Evans.

I build houses, good ones. Look around the neighborhood.

You ever cheat on your income tax?

Inflate your business expenses, your gasoline costs, your tool purchases.

Did you ever put shop-grade plywood on somebody's roof and charge them for

grade-A lumber?

Oh, come on. How can you compare?

Have you ever been to court, Mr. Evans?

As a witness, perhaps.

One time, in a civil suit, I testified for a friend of mine. On the witness

stand, did you fib a little for this friend of yours?

What do you think? He was suing the phone company.

Spoken like a true American.

How can you compare?

Piddling stuff like that with ripping off an insurance company for 20,000

bucks. Look, you're missing the point.

If you're gonna lie and cheat, you might as well be honest about it and make it

pay.

I don't know. I don't know. You guys are confusing me.

Mr. Evans, so far, you have confessed to theft, fraud...

giving perjured testimony and falsifying a tax return.

Have I overlooked anything?

No, that about covers it.

To my way of thinking, sir, with your record, I find it very difficult to

understand why the thought of ripping off an insurance company is so abhorrent

to you.

I'm beginning to wonder myself, you know.

Now we're getting somewhere.

He's probably down the street tipping a few.

You ready?

Let's go.

What?

What's going on?

15 Mary 3 LA. PR reports dense smoke coming from a mobile home on the RV lot.

1600 North Willow. Be advised that facility's main gate is locked.

Fire and 1142 are en route. Code 3.

LA 7 Boy 2 away and responding.

10-4 7 Boy.

Blessing.

Step aside.

Hey, watch your head.

Okay,

be careful. All right, when I get to the door, we'll bring him out that way.

I think I missed something, Mr. Evans.

Would you say that again?

I said you were supposed to burn it, not smoke it to death.

Now the CHP wants to talk to me.

Congratulations, Mr. Wizard.

Your bomb fizzled.

It's impossible.

I am sorry about this, Mr. Evans.

We'll stay in touch.

And when things calm down, try again.

And don't worry, please.

I guarantee you will have results.

Forget it. The deal's off. I mean it.

I don't work that way, Mr. Evans.

Well, maybe you don't. I do.

I'm through with you guys, understand?

Don't call here again.

What's wrong, Ray? Oh, that was Porwell from the RV storage lot.

There's been some vandalism.

And he wants me to go down there.

Vandalism to what?

Our motor home.

I'm going with you.

Why? What about the groceries? They can wait. I'll put them away later. Come on,

let's go.

Hey,

cowboy, get rid of that.

Hey, you want to back off?

He has a smell from Vietnam.

Picric acid.

Lucky for some insurance company, that trigger was defective.

You guys run the license?

The owner's on his way.

Two RVs in two days. Seems like half the people in town are playing with matches.

If we could find a way to take the profit out of arson, the insurance

companies would make us millionaires overnight.

What have they done to it?

Why? I don't understand.

I know what you mean.

Look, honey, let me do the talking. You keep out of it, please.

Why do you say that to me if I haven't said... Never mind!

For once, please, just do what I ask.

Hi.

I'm Ray Evans.

What's happened?

Dispatcher tell you?

All she said was somebody tried to burn us out.

Dispatchman. I thought you talked to that over-the-hill watchman.

Let me handle this, please.

What's wrong with you, Ray?

My name's on that pink slip, too.

We were paying the man extra to keep an eye on that thing.

Where is he, by the way? I'd like to have a word with him.

Wait, did the watchman call your home?

Right, not, uh, not ten minutes ago.

Did you talk to him?

No, but my husband did.

Didn't you, Ray?

I'm a little curious.

Do you mind if we, uh, look around inside?

Before you do that, would you mind telling us once again, when did you talk

to the watchman?

Oh, about 10, 15 minutes ago.

Why?

What difference does it make? What's the big deal?

The watchman was overcome by smoking here. 15 minutes ago, he was

unconscious. There's no way you could have spoken with him on the telephone.

Oh, no, that couldn't be. There must be some... Barbara, please.

Your dispatcher didn't say a word about the watchman.

That's right.

We didn't tell her.

Well, somebody, please tell me what's going on here.

Mr. Corwin.

Is he okay?

In addition to suffering from smoke inhalation, he had an apparent coronary.

When he left here, he was in pretty bad shape.

I guess I got something explaining to do, haven't I?

Ray?

Ray, what is it?

What's happened? What have you done?

Something stupid, I'm afraid.

The Burners are Tom Dempsey and Andy Whitman, male cocks, early 30s.

Well, according to Mr. Evans, they're fairly new in town, so I doubt whether

you have anything on them.

That's right. Mr. Evans has agreed to cooperate.

Now, sir, I think I made that rather plain.

All right.

Thank you very much.

The D.A. thinks he may go a long way. What happens now?

After you've booked him, take him over to the DA's office.

Right.

Over there, you're going to fill out a sworn statement.

If the DA goes along with our proposal, you'll be released on your own

recognizance.

After that, you go home and wait.

If the watchman dies,

what will my husband be charged with?

The death of a person as a result of arson or attempted arson is murder in

the first degree.

Let's give him a few minutes, maybe help save the guy's marriage.

Yeah, you think the burners will strike again?

I'll make book on it. For a lousy 2,000 bucks?

Hey, that's the come on. After the fact, their 10% fee goes up to more like two

-thirds of what the sucker gets out of his insurance company.

Learn something new every day.

Is your plan to stake out the RV storage lot?

Um, you got a better idea?

Hey, John, Barry, I've been looking for you.

Holy smoke, you guys smell like my hibachi. Yeah, well, we feel more like

smoked herring. Hey, Grossy, tell us. Did John and I make the team?

Affirmative. After weighing your individual performances during the

tryouts, John, you and Barry are going to be starting forwards.

Congratulations. Thank you, Grossy.

Ponch is going to be alternating with Harlan at a guard position.

Uh, wait a minute now.

Ponch isn't going to like that.

I don't play favorites, okay?

Now, game's tonight, 8 o'clock. Arrive suited up and ready for action.

Officer Grossman.

Yeah, Joe.

What about me?

Where do I play?

Why, any place you want to, Sergeant.

Good choice.

That from a guy who doesn't play any favorites?

Yeah, he didn't just fall off a turnip truck.

My mama didn't raise no dumb kids.

Hey, I bet you think that I rented this rig just to go fishing, huh?

Shows you how much you know.

the way to Disneyland?

Are you traveling alone?

Yep. That's the way I plan to keep it.

What about your husband? Did he buy a new trailer?

Rented one. Out of spite, of course.

So, what else is new?

Does he know you're hitchhiking?

What Mr. Higgins knows or doesn't know is no longer a concern of mine.

LA-15, Marriott 3.

I need a taxi cab at 1932 Dyer Avenue for an 1148K to, uh,

Disneyland. Marriott 3, LA. Did you say an 1148 Disneyland?

You heard me.

Listen, uh, you know it's against the law to ride in a trailer?

Well, I just rode to the first stop sign, then I got out right away.

Would you like me to help you try and locate your husband?

I have a checkbook. What do I need with him?

All right, just the same.

I'll try and find him, all right?

And when I do, I'll tell him where he can find you.

that'll be necessary.

No!

Don't you ever do that to me again!

Do you understand me? I won't. I promise. Not ever. I didn't rent that

rig just to go fishing.

I got it so you could stay wherever you like as long as you like. I even got

trailer space at Disneyland.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

It won't happen again. Never. Never, never.

Honey.

When I looked in that trailer and you weren't there, I aged 20 years.

Everything's going to be fine. It's going to be all right.

Oh, Frank.

I love you.

That's more like it.

And I forgive you.

You what?

I didn't mean that.

Kiss me, darling.

You sound nervous, Mr. Evans.

What's wrong?

Were the police troublesome?

No. No, not really.

You were discreet, I trust?

Of course. You think I'm crazy?

No, no, no, no. But I was leery about calling you.

I was afraid you might not want to talk to me.

Listen, I'm sorry about that last conversation.

I was uptight.

I'll go next door to call the sergeant.

Why can't you call him from here?

Because if Dempsey were to call back, find the line busy,

he might become suspicious.

You sound like one of two things, a crook or a policeman.

What is it, Ray?

L.A., 15-7, Adam. 10-5 to Mary 3. I've got a blue van in the R.V. storage lot,

1600 North Willow. 10-35, 7, Adam is rolling.

This time, Andrew, may we have more fire and less smoke.

And all else fails.

It's back to basics.

Thank you.

There's no fire.

Come on. You sure?

You sure? Yeah, I'm positive.

You got a professional torch who's afraid of fire.

Come on, now.

No, it was Whitman's idea.

I hate fire.

All I did was drive.

You hate fire?

You better start getting used to a lot of heat. You hear me?

You heard the man, mister. Now put your hands on your head.

Where's Punch?

I was counting on him for a starter. Is he coming?

He took the sacred oath that he'd be here.

Hey, look.

Huh? Did I deliver?

Who's afraid of a wipeout now, huh?

Shades of wilted still.

So that's what you've been up to, huh? I checked personnel files, made the rounds

all over to West L.A., Santa Fe Springs, Newhall. You realize we're the only

station in these parts without a seven-footer in it, huh?

Arch, but somehow this doesn't seem completely honest.

Boys, I think we've been had.

I don't get it.

Yeah, I bet you don't. Honest, Sarge, I'm as surprised as you are.

It's all right. Listen to him. They love him. Come on, let's go have some fun.

I've seen those guys. I've seen them work somewhere, but where?

I just placed a King Charles troop. You ever go to the circus?

Ringman Brothers Barnum Bailey Circus. Right.

So, you burned up a couple of days of leave time. Was it worth it?

Off the end of it, when I think about how much those kids enjoyed that show, I

think of what the heck. Really? Hey, Bear, it just occurred to me, that

burner you picked up yesterday?

His buddy could be suing him for abandonment, don't you think?

I know one thing. My suspect will be sleeping on a board for the next couple

of months.

Would anybody like to hear about my day?

No. No, Grossy. No, we'll pass.

Well, in that case, I guess I'll be running along.

Sure. Second throttle cable this week, hot shot.

Ah.

The watchman at the RV storage lot is out of intensive care. I just spoke with

his doctor.

Yeah, I know one RV owner and his wife will be glad to hear that.

Anything from the DA's office?

Yeah, Dempsey and Whitman have cleared a half dozen arsons and they're still

talking. Yeah, that could go on and on.

Could.

New subject.

Sarge, did you ever figure out who set us up for that so-called basketball

game? Why, does it matter?

Hey, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed it as much as anybody.

But as the team coach, I don't appreciate being hoodwinked, and I'd

like to get that message across.

Hey, no problem. I'm sure the captain would just love to talk to you about it.

The captain? Mm-hmm.

Read him off, Grossy. Let him have it. Yeah, tell him we were never so

embarrassed in our lives.

Well, Artie?

Well, on second thought, upon reflection, the whole affair was rather

amusing, wasn't it?