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Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Cummins!

[APPLAUSE]

Aw, thank you guys.

So happy to be here.

Yea. Oh, yes. You guys are good.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you guys. Sounds like you guys are doing well.

I'm doing pretty well. I don't have a lot to complain about

right now other than being occasionally hungry,

which I don't care for.

That's my main complaint right now,

cause I'm trying to lose a little bit of weight.

I don't really want to. I didn't think I needed to,

but then I saw a picture of myself taken when I didn't know cameras were around.

It was taken from the side when I was not wearing a shirt,

or sucking in my gut, and, uh, that's when I learned that my side profile

does not match my front profile.

[LAUGHTER]

I had no idea what was happening down here.

I was like, how could I be this unaware of how I look to the rest of the world?

How could I be that in the dark, and I realized it's cause,

when I see myself, it's always from the front.

It's usually the bathroom mirror.

You know, I'm bent over at a flattering angle.

I got a soft 40 watt light. I like that very much.

I instinctively suck in my gut without even thinking about it,

just push air into my chest, just kinda think something along the lines of,

"You're doing great Cummins. Good job buddy.

"It's like meat lovers pizza doesn't even touch you, you son of a bitch. How do you do it?

"How do you do it? You can't help a dryer making your pants super-duper tight.

"That's heat and science working against you. That's a dryers business right there."

Turns out from the front I look like a dude who lifts weights.

From the side, I look like a dude who shouldn't cause it's probably bad for the baby.

[LAUGHTER]

Like a bearded science project of some kind.

I blame my physique on my gym.

It's very laid back, very non-competitive.

I work out at an old YMCA.

[LAUGHTER]

Place where nothing's been renovated in probably forty years including the other members.

I would say the average age of the other members of my gym is probably near dead.

It's like a nursing home gym. I love it.

My fiancé and I started dating, she's like, "Why don't you get a membership at a better gym?"

Probably because I like to dominate.

Happiness in life is mostly about putting yourself in favorable matchup situations.

[LAUGHTER]

I go to a decent gym, I'm average at best.

I'm goddamn Hercules at my gym.

Those seniors respect my feats of strength,

and they come from a better generation that's quick to compliment,

and I like all of that very, very much.

Like a random ego stroke.

I get'em at the Y like a while back I was doing the tricep press down,

and this little old lady Connie is patiently waiting her turn like a good person.

She's there all the time. When I'm finally done, she goes and she starts using it,

but she forgets to move the pin to a lighter weight and she just struggles for quite some time.

And then she realizes what has happened. She turns to me and she goes,

"My goodness. You just lifted that? Well good for you. Aren't you strong.

"I couldn't even move it."

And I thought that was sweet for her to say.

I also thought, "Of course you couldn't move it Connie. Look at yourself.

"Come on. You're like 90 pounds of old bird bones and paper mache.

"Why would you think you can move that?

"Come on Con. I'm pre-gaming on creatine whey protein shakes.

"You look like you're getting all jacked up on hard candy and formaldehyde, okay.

"I want you to look at that fan Connie. Look at it.

"That fan's on low. I turn it to high, you're stuck to that goddamn mirror.

"This is my gym Connie!"

[LAUGHTER]

Yea, domination. You take it where you can get it in life you guys.

Take it wherever you can get it.

I was trying to think about why I work out.

Like why I care about fitness. I like to lift weights. I don't care about health though.

I will say that.

I don't really care about trying to get super healthy,

right, like extend your life by ten years. Why would you want to do that?

It's not going to be the good years. You're getting the back end.

[LAUGHTER]

What you live on kale and smoothies and you get 90 to 100?

Who gives a shit.

[LAUGHTER]

That's a awful incentive. I want to have milkshakes and steak,

and then I want to get the fuck off this planet.

[LAUGHTER]

I enjoyed it.

[APPLAUSE]

I realized that hatred is my workout fuel.

I wish it wasn't true but just hatred of society. I just, I just, I like to try and get stronger cause,

if I can get a little bit stronger, I feel it's more realistic that I could savagely beat strangers

out on the street, and that makes life more bearable and pleasant for me to live.

And then I was thinking, "Why do I hate people so much?"

And ironically it's because I was raised with decency and manners and respect,

but I'm forced to live in a world where people don't care about stuff like that.

I wake up in a good mood cause I'm not around strangers,

and I continue to be in a good mood right up until I leave my place and walk out into the world

aka the human dickhead parade and I start to get a little angry.

Start to get a little irritated.

People's lack of manners.

Let's talk about it a little bit. Let's talk about a sidewalk etiquette for starters.

What's going on on the sidewalk out there?

I'll tell you exactly what's going on. Anarchy, and I don't care for it.

People act like there's no rules on the sidewalk. There is. It's a very simple rule.

You get the right half. All right. That's how it works.

The sidewalk mirrors the road. You get the right half.

People coming towards you, they get their right half and it works out.

Maybe if you were in Europe you get the left half.

I don't know and I don't care, so put your euro trash ass on the right side of the sidewalk,

and you respect our culture.

[APPLAUSE]

But maybe, maybe in a romantic situation you're taking up the whole sidewalk.

You're holding hands. That's adorable.

All right, take the whole thing. Make it yours.

Until you see an innocent person coming towards you.

Another pedestrian trying to live their life.

All right. That's when you should have the decency to single file it.

Know who's front. Know who's back. Have a plan. Act on it.

What you don't do is form a wall of narcissism,

lock hands like you're trying to defend your tag team championship belt

and push people into the street like a savage.

That's why I work out. Moments like that.

I'm not a huge guy. I don't even know how to fight,

but I feel just big enough to stand my ground now in moments like that.

Fifty pounds ago, I would let those people push me into the street and just be like,

"Meh, woulda, coulda, shoulda."

Irritated the rest of the day.

Now I stand my ground. I'm not going to move from my half. It's my half and I'm gonna keep it.

And the person coming towards me in my half, not on their half, they don't know it,

but they're playing a little game of sidewalk chicken,

and I have a distinct advantage cause I'm the only one who knows that we're playing.

Right. They're relaxed. They're lollygagging all loose in the shoulder.

I'm fucking tight in the shoulder.

My hips are tucked and my core is engaged. I am braced for impact.

I march forward sometimes I walk into them, sometimes I stumble them.

One time I knocked some guy to the ground and it felt pretty good, I'm not going to lie to you.

"So take your time getting up there chief. Think about some decency, manners while you're down there.

"Think about etiquette."

I could turn this whole show into a hate speech about manners.

The only other one I want to talk about tonight is door etiquette.

Right? Doesn't it drive you crazy.

It's so easy to fix. Here's how it works. When somebody opens up a door for you,

you say two words. You say thank you, and you say it every single time. Right?

It makes this planet a lot more bearable to be on.

I don't care if the person's holding the door open for you because they have to

cause they work there, say thank you. I don't care if you're on the phone.

Tilt your phone, "Hey, thank you."

I don't care if it's that person we all hate. All of us hate.

That person who holds the door open for you, no exaggeration,

a good 20 to 30 yards before you are ready to go through that door.

Now you suddenly feel peer pressure into a strange workout you never wanted to be a part of.

You find yourself kind of jogging to a door you were very comfortable walking towards.

I don't like that, all right? I got tight hips. Now they're chaffed. Now I'm sweaty. I'm out of breath.

That guy's an idiot, but I say thank you cause he's a polite idiot and I respect that.

I used to not do anything when people wouldn't say thank you.

Now I do something, I can't recommend this enough. It feels so good to give it a little bit back.

When someone doesn't say thank you, here's what you do.

You say a very angry you're welcome. Just, "You're welcome!"

And you stare at them just like that,

and it feels so good because technically you're not doing anything wrong.

You're saying nice words, a little too loud, but nice words.

What feels good about it is even though you're saying the words you're welcome,

that's not the two words they're hearing.

Comes out of your mouth, "You're welcome!"

Received by them, "Fuck you!"

[LAUGHTER]

Right? You're making the world a better place.

[LAUGHTER]

It's not always good going through life with an easily irritated disposition.

Probably not the best way to live. It's probably not.

Sometimes it comes in handy though, like jury duty.

I got called into jury duty last year. I didn't want to be there.

Found out I had nothing to worry about.

After roughly 15 minutes of honestly and pretty aggressively answering their questions,

they wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

It's one of my finest moments as a grown up.

I have a lot of strong feelings about a, about our court system, a lot of which aren't positive.

Like I do like... Like I don't like a lot of a...

A lot of trials go on way too long. It bugs me all right.

And a lot of trials have frivolous litigation. That's another thing that bugs me.

Just overzealous litigation. People suing for things they should not be allowed to sue for.

The only people who win are lawyers and insurance companies, right?

We all pay more. We all suffer because of that. We all pay more for every product we buy

cause that company had to carry extra insurance because of some shithead tried to sue them

over something stupid. Like this lady sued Universal Studios Haunted House a couple years ago

for scaring her too much, and she won fifteen thousand dollars for mental anguish.

Yea for being scared too much by a place she had paid to scare her just enough.

[LAUGHTER]

That's like suing a restaurant for having food so delicious,

you order desert and you knew you should have stopped at dinner.

[LAUGHTER]

I feel like you could probably pull that off. I feel you probably could,

just, "They knew what they were doing your honor. I wanted to be done

"when I was barely able to finish my pan-seared tilapia

"with a raspberry pinot noir glaze in the butternut squash ravioli.

"I could barely get it down. I had to loosen my belt.

"Had to take a Beano as a precautionary measure, and I knew there were still going to be consequences,

"and then that son of a bitch right there unsolicited

"brought to our table a slice of New York style cheesecake like a...

"With a crème brule topping... It was crispy, but it's not burnt. It's crispy,

"but it's not burnt. I don't know how they do that.

"Had a made from scratch graham cracker crust where you can smell the butter.

"You can smell the butter!"

[LAUGHTER]

"I've heard enough. Verdict for the plaintiff."

Thirty thousand dollars for intestinal anguish.

[LAUGHTER]

It feels possible to me.

Yea, and then those trials that go on too long. Those trials...

They waste everybody's time. Drag on for years

when anyone with common sense knows the verdict on day one. There are those trials.

Like there was a serial killer, early eighties in California, Robert Ing.

This guy, a... They find the remains of over like a dozen people that he had killed.

Find video tapes in his house, his DNA all over the remains.

Find video tapes of him killing the people whose remains they just found,

catch his accomplice immediately, who's also on the tapes,

who confesses right away, "Yea. That's us. I mean you can see us on the tapes,

"that's our DNA. Yes. Guilty. All of it, for sure. I mean it's definitely us.

"Totally for sure. Hundred percent. Hundred percent."

I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of it.

[LAUGHTER]

That trial goes on for over eight years. Cost over twenty million dollars.

Yea, that should've cost a couple hundred bucks, and been decided in about ten minutes.

That trial should've only lasted as long as it took

for the jury to realize that the person on the tape

is the person sitting across the courtroom from them, right?

Just minute one put that tape in. Push play and just wait a few minutes

till the jury's like, "Wait... Oh my... Oh shit...What? Oh my God..."

And then the jury foreman should stand up like, "Your honor,

"uh, your honor, we've reached a verdict. We've already reached a verdict.

"I know we haven't even heard from the defense attorney,

"but honesty... You know what, fuck that guy for even taking this case in the first place.

"I mean honestly... Where is his moral compass, honestly?

"He's seen... He's seen the tape. He's seen the tape.

"We're going to put in a guilty verdict right now,

"and, if I can be so bold, we'd like to strongly recommend the death penalty.

"And, if I could be so bold, we'd like to wrap this up before lunch

"and just kill him ourselves right now if we could. If you don't..."

[APPLAUSE]

I like a pro death crowd. Appreciate that.

[LAUGHTER]

Some people need it. Some people need it.

So I take this, this attitude into my jury selection,

and it's a murder trial. I don't want to be there.

I didn't know this, but when you get there

you can fill out a form saying you don't want to be there,

and the last question on the form is pretty straight forward.

It says, "Do you think you'd make a fair juror?"

I was honest. I said, "No. I'm a comic.

"I get paid to make quick judgments and stick to'em,

"and that's exactly what I plan on doing in your court."

I thought that would get me tossed. It did not. It made me stay there.

Put me in the jury selection box. The defense attorney starts asking me questions

in front of the defendant. Just awkward. He's listening to us.

And it was weird, the judge told us that the defendant had just been

released from prison where he had served several years for the attempted murder

of a rival gang member. Now he's being charged with murdering a rival gang member.

So, I'm like great. I'm in a room with somebody definitely getting better at murder.

I thought that cause when I saw him, I immediately thought,

"Yea, that guy's a murderer."

And I thought that cause he had gang tattoos all over his face.

Like a lot of gang tattoos over a lot of his face.

And look, I know that having gang tattoos all over your face doesn't make you a murderer,

unless your charged with murder.

[LAUGHTER]

Then it probably makes you a murderer.

You know, if you have any common sense.

So the defense attorney, he reads my answer to the last question

about making quick judgments and he thought I was joking I guess,

and he goes, "So have you made any judgments here?"

And I go, "Yea. I think that guy's guilty."

He says, "You can't know that. You've heard literally no evidence."

And I said, "Look at his face.

[LAUGHTER]

"Everybody thinks he's guilty."

And then I heard some snickering from the other potential jurors.

I looked over. I counted at least two thumbs up,

and I felt like I was killing in the court room.

The comic came out in me.

I felt like I had a hot crowd. I felt like they wanted more.

And I wanted to put on a good show, so then the attorney, he goes,

"Well if the prosecution doesn't provide enough evidence to prove him guilty

"beyond a reasonable doubt, you have to find him not guilty."

That's his words. You have too.

And I just said, "No I don't. I make bad decisions all the time.

"I can make one here." And he said that would be illegal,

and I got very nervous cause I wanted to say one more thing, but even though I watch a lot of crime shows,

I still can't fully wrap my head around what contempt of court actually means,

but I did feel like I was treading in that direction.

Then I also felt, well you've come this far, let's ride it out.

I said, "I don't know. You know the law better than I do,

"maybe that would be illegal, but to be totally honest I do illegal stuff a lot,

"and I usually get away with it."

[LAUGHTER]

Right?

[APPLAUSE]

I told him, I go, "I was texting my friends about how much I didn't want to be on this trial,

"while driving here today and no one caught me."

And he shook his head and he talked to the judge,

and about two minutes later I was walking to my car, free man.

Felt good. The truth had set me free. Finally paid off to have a bad attitude.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm not a complete idiot. I do understand that we need some law.

As much as I hate it at moments.

Like the whole gun control thing. I'm gonna talk about that for a second,

but before I do, I want to say that I'm not anti-gun.

I like to say that immediately, right. There could be some-- Yea.

I'm not anti-gun. There could be some gun nuts here, and those are the last people I want to piss off.

It's a dark room, I'm lit up and I move slow.

No, I grew up in Idaho with guns. I like guns. I grew up hunting.

I want to go hunting again. I like to go shoot, you know, targets, tin cans and all that stuff,

and it's fun and none of my friends have ever done anything crazy with a gun

cause we're not complete morons. Right? I don't, I don't have a problem with guns.

I don't know how to fix the whole gun control situation,

but I do know where we should start.

Better mental health regulation. Right? Certain-- Yea,

certain lunatics shouldn't have guns. Right? There needs to be some testing,

and I say that cause every time there's a tragedy on the news,

and they show the mug shot of the person who did it, it's always the same kind of dude.

It's never a hunter. It's never an avid outdoorsman.

It's never some hunting enthusiast. Never some fat redneck with a Cabelas cap

and a camo jacket, and he's got his thirty aught six in front of a twelve point real deer trophy buck,

"I like deer. I prefer... I do, I do. I enjoy it."

It's never that guy. It's always the same kinda guy.

You see his picture. You don't have to be a psychiatrist, or even a C student to be like,

"Well yea. That guy's fucking crazy. Of course he did that."

Like he's photogenicly insane.

You can diagnose mental illness off of any picture ever taken of him.

Cause he has that crazy stare where he's looking at you

like he's trying to solve a very tough math equation that's been carved into the back of your skull.

Right? That guy can get a gun.

Cause in almost every state you can get...

You don't have to pass any kind of test to get a gun permit.

No kind of mental competency test, but you do have to pass a test in every single state

to get a moped license. Just think about that for a second.

That's the priority. Apparently mopeds are a real threat you guys.

We can't give out moped licenses willy nilly.

We start doing that, eventually one of those people is going to kind of,

slowly run over another person. That's a risk we can't take.

[LAUGHTER]

I wanna, I wanna write the mental health test for guns. I'd have normal hunter safety stuff,

most of the time and then every 7th, 8th question I'd have a wild card just to weed out nuts.

Just something like, "How many times do you think it's okay to shoot your neighbors

"for playing lawn darts too aggressively on a Tuesday afternoon?"

And if you answer C, as many times as the devil told me to keep kittens

from drowning in the black hole sun, well guess what, you don't get a shotgun permit ever.

You're off. You're off the shotgun list.

[APPLAUSE]

If you're that crazy, I think you should be fined with a misdemeanor

for even calling shotgun to get into a car.

No tolerance for that.

If I was serious about this issue, I wouldn't just joke around though.

All right, I should make videos. That's how you reach people now is YouTube.

Make a video. Hope it goes viral. Like I should... I should make...

I should make a video establishing that I'm completely out of my mind out in public,

and then immediately after establishing that just buy a whole bunch of guns.

It'd be a good video. I could make it here in Salt Lake.

I know exactly where I'd make it here in Salt Lake.

Scheels sporting goods.

I'd make it there because they have a giant indoor Ferris wheel next to the gun section.

No other rides. No explanation.

I don't understand it at all, but I like it.

I was thinking I could make a video just me like, uhm, doing stuff in the Scheels.

Like I could ride that Ferris wheel around and around for eight hours in a row,

by myself if I want to. If I want to buy that many tickets.

It's weird, but it's not illegal.

While I ride it around and around, I could also mumble creepy shit.

It's my right. I could laugh at my creepy mumblings.

I could even point in uncomfortable, but non-threatening fashion at other people in that store.

Just around and around, "I like battleship, I do. Monopoly's fun, but sometimes you don't have time to finish the game.

"You look beautiful for a man. No. Yes. I don't know. Maybe. Hah. Just shittin, you know things happen."

[LAUGHTER]

Twenty minutes of that, every employee in that store is nervous as shit,

but they have to sell me a shotgun.

[LAUGHTER]

I get to wave it around when I leave.

Get people's attention.

I've definitely taken this far enough.

What if that first video doesn't go viral though?

I put a lot of time and energy into that.

I've already thought of a potential second video.

I'm sorry animal lovers, but to make this next video work,

I am going to have to kill one of God's creatures.

I'm gonna have to do it brutally.

I'm gonna have to kill a squirrel. Ironically, I can't shoot it

cause I need his torso to remain intact for the visual I want to present.

To make this next video work, I am going to have to catch and choke the squirrel to death,

which is going to be tricky.

It's not going to be easy. They're fast and they got tiny necks. I know that,

but I believe in myself.

It's probably legal to choke out a squirrel,

but it's probably not very legal.

It's probably a misdemeanor. probably have to pay a fine.

Probably get to keep my dead squirrel. I earned it.

God knows I earned it.

I need it. I need to make an incision above it's tail for this video to work,

and then I need to run these two fingers up its back between hide,

no you take this joke.

I need to run these fingers up its back

between hide and flesh and turn it into a dead squirrel puppet,

and then me and my dead squirrel puppet are going to ride that Ferris wheel at Scheels for several hours.

Sometimes we get along, sometimes we fight,

and then I'm going to make my dead squirrel puppet buy a gun on behalf of the two of us,

cause you can't stop me. Go ahead. Run background checks. Neither one of us are felons.

One of us does have a criminal record, which largely involves killing the other one. Let's not talk about it.

He can hear you. In my mind.

I've definitely taken this far enough.

That's why this is... That's why this is the last video. This is the last video.

Even if you hated this piece up until now, you're going to be like,

"I'm glad he went that far."

And if this next video doesn't work, then I just, I give up.

For this last video, I'm gonna have to kill two creatures.

I've thought about it. I'm going to have to catch and choke a squirrel,

and I'm also gonna have to catch and choke a chipmunk to death,

which is harder cause they're just as fast in my observance. Tinyer neck.

Probably a pinch technique. I haven't worked out the full deets.

Probably the same amount of illegal.

I pay two fines. I have two dead rodents to do with what I wish.

What I wish to do is make an incision above each tail,

and this is where it gets fun for everyone.

Then what I'm going to do is I'm going to run my fingers up the squirrel's back,

and then incredibly I'm going to find out a way to run the squirrel's fingers

up the chipmunk's back.

Just holding it in place with crazy glue, which is effective and name appropriate.

Now majestically, I have a dead squirrel puppet that has a dead chipmunk puppet.

The three of us ride that Ferris wheel right here in Salt Lake City is a trifecta of insanity and freedom.

[APPLAUSE]

The squirrel and I get along famously. Both of us hate the chipmunk cause he's the new guy,

and he's going to pay his goddamn dues.

And then I am going to make a dead squirrel, make a dead chipmunk,

buy a gun on behalf of the two of us, which is unnecessary and very creepy,

and also pretty impressive act of ventriloquism if you think about it.

Let's talk about talent for a second.

In order to pull off that visual, I have to move my lips a little bit, but not too much,

while at the same time moving the squirrel's lips a little bit. Not too much.

While at the same time moving the chipmunk's lips more than the other two pairs of lips.

And if I did that, you would be nauseous and probably dizzy,

but you would fucking respect me as a performer,

and I'm not sure what I'm talking about anymore.

[APPLAUSE]

If you learn nothing else from that last piece it's that I probably shouldn't be allowed to have a gun.

[LAUGHTER]

I talk about a lot of crazy stuff. I think about, uh, normal stuff to,

though I think about good stuff.

Like I think about how nice it is to be alive today.

Like I really actually do believe that we have it the best right now, 2015

that humanity has ever had it in the history of human beings.

It's the best right now. Most education, right?

Most freedom. Most technology, pretty good.

But yet some people, you'll hear'em complain and act like they would rather live in the past.

My Dad's one of these people. My Dad actually thinks he would be happier in the Wild West then he would be today.

He goes on these weird tirades where he convinces himself. He's like,

"No, I'm serious. Go ahead. You can make fun of me. You can make...

"Go ahead Danny, make fun of me. If I could push a button. Hell yes I'd go back.

"I've thought about it. Late 1800s. Montana. Wyoming. I'm a simple man.

"I don't need Twitter, twatter and all this dumb bullshit. I don't even like computers.

"Right. You just give me forty acres, God's country, gun, and a good woman.

"That's all I'd need, if I could."

"Well, if I could, I'd force you to go back to school until you stop saying shit like that.

"Cause a lot of ignorance just came outta your mouth."

I get the fantasy. He'd be happy if he'd have been born back then, right?

I'd be nice if he didn't know any better, right? I'd be great in a lot of ways,

but you wouldn't be happy going back,

cause we've grown accustomed to things getting better that we don't even think about,

we take for granted. Like in his example, there were no good women in the 1800s

by today's incredible woman standards for a lot of reasons starting with showers.

Showers had not been invented yet.

Not one nineteenth century woman had taken a single hot shower

with lufa and decent antibacterial soap in her entire filthy disgusting life,

and that's a nightmare. So gross.

Right? Different grooming standards. We take Brazilian waxes for granted now.

Back then they didn't even have disposable razors.

Put that together with the previous thing I said.

Is that a jungle you really want to explore?

Uh uh, no. You're not that brave Cortez.

[LAUGHTER]

Right? Sex would have been bad. Sex was taboo unless it was the missionary position for procreation.

You had to be married. There was no reliable birth control.

Right? Oh my God, that'd be horrible going back.

There weren't good women. There were dirty, hairy women who hated sex

and always got pregnant and that sounds like a nightmare.

If I walked out of a time machine in the late 1800s

in some strange hypothetical situation,

I hope I would have the fortitude to cut my own dick off as a preventative measure.

Before I became desperate.

I wouldn't want to go back because of medicine. I'm a hypochondriac. I love doctors so much.

I love western medicine. Like, I'm one of those people, I know it's annoying, but a couple times a year, every year

I feel some weird stuff in my body, and I go to WebMD,

and I find out how I'm going to die quickly.

I'll have like three headaches in a week, do a little bit of research,

and I'm like, "Spine tumors! Okay, I don't know how many I have, but I know that I have them.

"That's great. That's just great."

I read one webpage, and now I know what I have.

I'll even do things that would clearly trigger symptoms, but not put it together because I panic.

I'll have like three Red Bulls and my skin will tingle and my hand will shake,

and I'm like, "Fucking Lou Gehrig's disease, are you kidding me! How long have I had it?!"

I start thinking about a will and how my kids are going to grow up without a father.

All right, but then I go to a doctor. He's like, "No, your just stupid.

"That's the only thing you suffer from."

I'm like, "I like you. I like you doctor."

I was thinking about how lucky we are to have doctors.

Like again, in my Dad's situation, there were no doctors in the Wild West.

Not by today's standards. There were just men who referred to themselves as doctors.

Men with a very limited understanding of science, who had whiskey for anesthetic,

cocaine based laudanum for antibiotics, and a saw instead of, oh I don't know,

proper medical tools. That's not what I consider a doctor.

That's a butcher with drugs.

Feel like every doctor's appointment back then was like a scene out of some

Eli Roth torture porn horror movie.

Just some creepy,

"Got some bad news for ya.

"I'm not going to be able to get the bullet outta ya arm,

"so, uh, I'mma go ahead and cut ya arm off haha.

"Nurse! Whiskey, laudanum, salt! Okay. All right.

"I'mma doctor."

Lotta hard blinks back then. A lot of weird lizard tongue action.

[LAUGHTER]

Watched a lot of bad westerns.

I wouldn't learn anything if I had to go back in time.

I'd be too, too spoiled. We learn so easily now.

Like I remember when I used to have to get dressed to learn.

Do you remember those days?

When I was younger, I know this sounds crazy...

When I was younger, if I wanted to acquire new knowledge,

I had to put on clothing. I had to eat to fuel myself for a physical journey to a different place.

I had to brave elements. I had to touch books that were gross and smelled weird.

I had to work for knowledge.

Right now, if you want to learn anything, you can be naked in your basement

as long as you have Wi-Fi, just learning away.

-"What are you doing down there Dan?" -"I'm trying to learn some stuff!

"I'm researching!"

It's amazing what we can learn. I wanted to know about azithromycin,

when it was invented cause that's what I take when I get sick,

cause I'm allergic to penicillin, at least in my head.

There's never been an official diagnosis, but I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to penicillin.

So my doctor gives me this Z-pack, right?

That's all I get actually from my doctor. I think fifteen years of doctors visits,

all I get is Z-packs. Sometimes his job doesn't seem harder than the Wild West doctor's job.

Feels pretty easy form my point of view, just, "Oh sore throat huh?

"Okay. We'll get you a Z-pack. That will take care of that.

"Leg cramps? Z-pack. Knock it out.

"Rectal bleeding? That sounds serious.

"Why don't we stick a Z-pack in your ass? Reckon it can't hurt.

"Nurse! Whiskey, laudanum, Z-pack."

[LAUGHTER]

Azithromycin went on the market in 1984. I learned that 30 seconds after wanting to know that,

and I learned it not knowing how to spell azithromycin.

We live in an age where we can learn very quickly about things we can't spell.

That's pretty incredible. Like, I just got my phone out...

I just... I typed in 'a' and the 'z'. I was pretty confident about the first two letters,

then it got pretty loosey goosey after that and I didn't try hard because I didn't need to,

I just kept hitting buttons, knowing eventually Google will be like,

"Did you mean azithromycin?"

"Ha ha... Yes. You are one hell of a detective Google.

"Who knew it didn't have a comma and three z's mmmkay,

"now take me to Wikipedia so I can learn some facts please."

[LAUGHTER]

I'm a getting married later this year, which is pretty exciting.

Thanks, aw, thanks you guys.

Don't do it... I know... It's always... I love that the guy who yells don't do it

is sitting with a beautiful woman who just slapped him after saying that.

I love how dumb we are.

We never learn. Now life's... Life's better with her in it.

Life is definitely... More confusing. Life is less confusing when you're alone for sure.

Like I live in a house now full of a lot of mixed signals I feel like.

Like one thing I can't... One thing I just don't understand...

Like one thing Lindsay does, is uh, she will lecture me pretty often about eating healthier.

She feels like I should eat healthier, which would come across as more genuine,

if she wasn't also constantly baking me delicious treats.

Like why would you do both of those things?

I realize they represent competing instincts inside of her.

Part of her does want me to be very healthy, so I can live a long time,

and she has a smaller chance of dying alone.

Right? That's the sad truth underneath, but another part of her wants to fatten me up

just enough so that no other woman will love me.

She, she feels threatened.

It's very strange though. She'll make like one of my favorite dishes,

like some like chocolate chip cookies or something.

I'll start eating them and then she'll say shitty things to me.

She'll be like, "Dan what are you doing? Seriously? How many of those are you going to have today?"

"I was going for all of them. I'm sorry. I thought these were fresh out of the oven delicious cookies.

"I didn't realize you had baked me shame biscuits and guilt wafers."

[APPLAUSE]

I feel like a lot of our relationship is her leading me in one direction,

me trying to act reasonably, and then her being surprised and upset.

This is one thing she does all the time. She'll come to bed completely naked.

Totally naked with the expectation of cuddling, and then be shocked and irritated

when she is instead groped and sexually harassed.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm sorry that no one told you how life works.

As it turns out, when you rub a naked ass against a naked dick,

the dick begins to form certain expectations

as how the current situation may twist into it's favor.

It takes a couple shots you know.

It's like that old saying, "Don't wake the bear."

Don't wake the bear you guys, or the bear is a...

The bear's going to try and fuck you.

[LAUGHTER]

What if that was... What if that was an old saying?

What a weird old saying that would be.

Especially if it was about literal bears.

Can you imagine if we lived in a world bears never wanted to kill us,

but they always wanted to fuck us?

How much... How much tension that would had to hunting and camping.

It would make for the weirdest news stories, like you know,

your buddy gets lost in Yellowstone for two weeks.

Finally staggers back to civilization.

[LAUGHTER]

-"Randy what happened?" -"I've been getting fucked by bears!

"I've been in a cave for two weeks living on salmon and a little bit of blueberries,

"and a lot of bear fucking. Now load my gun while I take a hot bath,

"and we're never going to talk about this again."

[LAUGHTER]

That's the kinda stuff I think about all the time.

[LAUGHTER]

I complain about Lindsay, but I do have it good. We don't argue very much.

That's pretty even. When we do, it's usually communication stuff. That's every couple.

Every couple has communication stuff.

Like our main argument is that she feels like I don't listen enough to her,

and I don't care about that. I don't.

I could listen more. I know I could. I could definitely work on more effective listening,

and I will when she works on telling better, shorter stories.

[APPLAUSE]

Like, like why is it always the listener's fault? That makes no sense.

People love a good story. People love to hear a good story.

If someone doesn't love your stories, well guess what, your no Stephen King my friend.

Let's tighten it up. Less details, more action. A little resolution here and there.

She's always asking me, "Are you even listening?" -"No. Of course not.

"Come on, you've been talking for over 25 minutes about a female co-worker I've never met,

"having problems I don't even care about. If this was a channel,

"I would have changed it 25 minutes ago. For sure. Definitely."

[LAUGHTER]

Some people like to talk. Some people don't. I don't like small talk. I just don't like it.

I don't understand people who do. I really don't. Like why?

Are you just talking to hear yourself in another voice.

Luckily Lindsay has friends who like to talk as much as she does, so it works out.

Like her friend Natasha... Her and Natasha talk on the phone every day for up to 3 hours, and they enjoy it.

If I have been on the phone for up to 3 hours, stay away from me because I'm very close to murder.

I've been on hold for at least 2 hours and 45 minutes,

and I just want my hard drive to work again.

One time they talked for 3 hours in the morning after already having talked the night before,

and so I assumed that Natasha was probably dying quickly.

Cause why else would you talk that long after you just talked?

So I'm like, "What's going on with Natasha?"

She's like, "Nothing." I'm like, "Well why are talking so much?"

She's like, "What do you care?" I'm like, "What are you talking about?"

She's like, "What do you care? What does it matter?" I'm like, "How could you talk for that long?

"You haven't been awake long enough to mathematically have enough new subject matter

"to even dissect since the previous conversation.

"What are you just hitting highlights of previous conversations? Just putting a montage together?"

I don't get it cause I'm the kind of person...

I didn't talk to my best friend from college for several years.

We finally connect. Fifteen minutes, we were straight. We were good.

We were both happy right where we left off.

Our conversation was so brief, it actually upset Lindsay.

She was irritated. She's like, "How could he even be your friend? How could you even call him your friend?

"What do you know about him? What do you know about his wife? What do you know about his kids?"

I was like, "I don't know. We don't talk about stupid shit like that.

"We keep it light and fun. We keep it moving.

"I don't know details. I do know his family is alive and well thank you very much.

"I know Paul. If his entire family was dead, he would have said something at some point.

"It would have definitely come up."

I don't want you to feel like I'm just picking on her randomly either,

just making this stuff up. I don't do that.

I, uh, I want to play a voicemail for you to show you what I'm talking about.

[APPLAUSE]

I love her, but my God. This particular voicemail I'm going to talk about,

she is leaving me a message about a dinner that she is going to that I am not going to,

that she's already told me about at least five times,

so my interest in this subject, pretty low. Pretty rock bottom.

She's going with this guy named Brad. Just the two of them.

Normally I wouldn't like that. I'm outta town. She's going to dinner with some other dude,

but I've met Brad. He's a nice guy. He's a co-worker. He's married. Couple kids.

And this probably shouldn't be important, but it is very important to me.

When I met Brad, I realized immediately that he's a lot shorter than me,

he has less hair and he's weaker looking physically.

I knew that I would destroy him in a physical battle.

He's a small waifish man with an especially skinny neck.

I remember that neck detail cause when I saw him I had a weird fantasy that if he wasn't paying attention

and I got a running start, I thought I could probably punch his head off his neck.

Like a dandelion kinda thing, and that gives me great comfort,

and they can have girls night whenever they want, you know?

So here's the voicemail I get.

"Hey baby, it's just me. It's 4:40 and..."

Okay we're only four seconds in, but I want to address a few things.

[LAUGHTER]

So far you've heard two things, and I like to think that as reasonable adults

you can agree that both of them were completely unnecessary.

Like I'm not trying to be a dick, but she's definitely, definitely wasted objectively

four seconds of my life so far. For sure.

Hey baby. It's just me. Ha ha sure is.

You know incredibly I knew that before ever listening to this voicemail cause you left it on what is

referred to as a cell phone, where your name is assigned to each and every voicemail you leave.

That name is currently in the favorites section. We're going to re-evaluate that.

Gonna re-think that.

And you're right, it's exactly 4:40 cause that's what time the voicemail says,

cause all of them are time stamped since the beginning of voicemail technology,

so great job. Two for two on facts. One hundred percent accuracy so far on things I don't care about.

Then she gets into it. "Um, I am starting to drive to have dinner with Brad.

"I'm supposed to meet him at 5, and I feel I won't get there till like 5:15, but um,

"we're just going to a place called El Torito Grill, um, in Sherman Oaks

"cause we're both coming off the 405. Um... But in opposite directions, so--"

[LAUGHTER]

I've... I've heard this voicemail a lot of times and it still legitimately upsets me.

Why would I possibly care how Brad is getting to a dinner I'm not going to.

Am I going to be relieved knowing Brad's route to this dinner? "He is. He is taking the 405.

"Thank Christ. Thank Christ. I didn't want to say anything, but I couldn't sleep last night.

"I couldn't sleep. I just kept laying there, just tossing and turning,

"just thinking 'how the fuck is Brad getting to dinner tomorrow?

"I hope he takes the 405. That's definitely the best route.'"

I don't. I don't care. I don't care.

I would only care if his journey was amazing and significant and a good piece of story.

You know, like definitely tell me if it's something like, "Hey babe.

"Uh, Brad and I are going to dinner, as I told you,

"but he was able to pick up a couple of nuclear powered jetpacks,

"and a friend of his opened a rift in the space time continuum,

"and we're going to have dinner in New Orleans in 1873."

And I'd be like, "You are full of shit, but thank you for that.

"Thank you for making that bearable. I appreciate that effort.

Yea, no, it's not done, "For both of us, and...

"Yea, I can't imagine that I'll be that long cause we have a lot to catch up on, but I don't think,

"Oh that late. And I mean I don't want to be, but I definitely to be out late enough that I don't sit in traffic

"coming home." I'm not going to play you the rest because it goes on for quite some time,

and I can tell that some of you are getting genuinely irritated yourselves.

[LAUGHTER]

I do love Lindsay by the way, I just... I just feel like I love her the most when she's sound asleep.

So pretty. So pretty, so quiet. Right? She's the person I fell in love with.

The person I didn't know. Isn't that how love works?

The person you want them to be. She's great.

I tease her. I definitely need to work on my own communication stuff.

She gets mad at me for not sharing details sometimes and not talking enough,

and she's right sometimes. Sometimes I don't share enough.

She actually, I don't know if she's right about this example, but she still blames me on our first vacation,

she blames my lack of giving, what were apparently important details for her falling quite hard down an escalator.

And I like that you guys are laughing already in this.

Makes me feel like I understand you people.

Here's what happened. You can decide if it was my fault.

We flew from LA to San Francisco. We're walking through the airport carrying our luggage,

we run into the first escalator that we're going to take down to the BART transit system going to the city.

I have my luggage behind me. She's behind me with her luggage behind her,

and then some dude behind the both of us has his luggage,

and, uh, picks it up and just sprints past us. And I want to know what that guy's up to.

It was very weird and strange and I start making assumptions in my brain, right?

And I'm like, and I decide though to share none of those assumptions with Lindsay.

Cause I love her, but I've just been... You heard the voicemail.

I've been on a plane with her for 75 minutes where I've essentially been a verbal hostage.

I'm tired. I've been with her for an hour and fif-- A solid hour and fifteen of me basically going,

"Haha. Mmmkay. Yea. Yahhaha all right. Oh what? Yea. Okay. Mmhmm. Yes."

I have nothing left and I'm empty.

And I just need two minutes of quiet to rebuild my soul to a level where I can love another human being again.

So I keep all these assumptions in my head.

I'm like, "Where is this guy going? Why is this guy running? Oh ok.

"He's running to that train. It's probably going to be a long wait for the next train or he wouldn't run.

"I bet those doors are going to close quick. This guy knows what he's doing. I like it."

Now I know that we have to get our asses in that train immediately,

cause Lindsay said if we don't make it to our hotel by 8 o'clock,

and we're already cutting it close, we don't even get to go out tonight.

Right? So now I know that we have to run to make this train, right?

It was going to be hard. We don't get to go out because her feet are killing her.

Her feet are killing her because she's wearing the boots that she said she wore for me,

cause I think those boots are sexy, and I do think those boots are sexy in the bedroom,

and I fucking hate those boots everywhere else on Earth.

I swear to God, every time she puts'em on, ten minutes in she complains the rest of the night how much her feet hurt,

till eventually I feel so much tension in my chest, I feel like I need to rip those boots off,

beat a stranger before I have a heart attack or aneurysm or some word I don't even know about yet.

So now I know I have to get my ass and her ass onto that train immediately,

or my whole day is complete shit,

and so I think all of that in a series of flash thoughts over about 2, 3 seconds of real time.

The rest of the world just sees me going...

And out of nowhere to her, I just go, go! And I grab my luggage and I run as fast as I can.

And I assume that she's right behind me. I assume that she is also properly assessing the same situation.

She gets it. She's on my team. I'm very incorrect.

I realize later that her life is very different in those moments.

She did see that guy run cause she sees everything cause she's at least half hawk,

but she didn't care about that guy cause she also saw something I didn't cause I'm not detail orientated.

She saw a painting up and to the left that she greatly admired,

and she was busy just enjoying the start of a vacation.

She was relaxed standing behind what apparently was her tour guide I was to find out later.

She was just enjoying the art. Some nice landscape.

Just busy absorbing details that she would undoubtedly share with me at great length later.

Until I want to find that artist compound and burn it to destroy the rest of his work.

And out of that tranquility, it's interrupted by her tour guide going, "Ahh!"

And trying to run away from her.

And that scares her, and she panics and tries to run after me with less success.

I almost get into the train. I hear a stranger just yell, "Oh my God!"

Which you never want to hear yelled near a train, cause good news will not follow that.

No one's going to follow that up with, "There's so many free puppies here!

"It's free puppy day at the train."

No. Tragedy follows that. I look around. I see why they've yelled.

Lindsay has fallen to a degree I still don't fully comprehend.

Somehow, she had managed to pull her luggage around her, fall over her own luggage,

She's face down on the metal platform beneath the escalator. Face on metal.

Body, crime scene position, luggage impossibly on top of her.

It doesn't look good. I'm concerned about her physical health and well-being.

I would love to tell you that concern is the very first thought I had,

but you know what, you don't get to pick your thoughts in life.

[LAUGHTER]

You can tell yourself that you're a beautiful person who only has beautiful thoughts and you're a fucking liar.

You don't get to pick your thoughts. Concern was a very close second thought.

My first instinctual, I can't help it thought was just, "How the fuck you fall that way?

"Really? How do you fall forward as a sober adult and not get at least one hand down to stop your fall?"

She has two arms, both work, and yet she chose to lead with her face.

Why is she trying to ruin her vacation? Why is she doing this to me?

[LAUGHTER]

And then I run over to help her. To help pick her up. Incredibly she pops up on her own.

All she says to me is, "Just get my stuff on the train."

She's very upset. I just want to listen to her at this point.

I get her stuff on the train, my stuff on the train. We're both in the train.

Now I want some answers. I want to know why this has happened,

so I can help fix it, and I start asking questions. I'm like, "Baby,

"I didn't see it, but that was probably one of the worst falls I've ever been around as an adult.

"Let's forget about the hotel. Let's go to the hospital.

"You're probably bleeding internally right now. That couldn't have been good."

No matter what I say to her, all she will say back is, "Stop. I don't want to talk about it."

"Baby, you're in shock. I bet you have... I bet you have at least two ribs and a lung right now.

"I read about this one time. Right? Let's go to the hospital. Forget about, let's go to the hospital."

"Stop. I don't want to talk about it."

How ironic.

[LAUGHTER]

The very first time I would like her to be more verbose and that's when she withholds. Okay.

And she won't. She won't talk, but I want to know what's happening,

so I start just scanning her like some primitive doctor, cause I want to find some wounds.

Start looking through her hair. Looking for exposed skin.

It was incredible, nasty fall. No blood, bruise, scrape. Nothing.

No bump. It's like she was Bruce Willis in Unbreakable.

She was an obscure, heavily outdated pop culture reference that I refuse to let go of.

Out of respect to Bruce in the apex of his career.

But she was... I thought it was incredible, like nothing had happened,

and then once we realized she's somehow okay, that's when she starts to weep.

And I'm not exaggerating that word. I'm not talking about teary eyes.

I'm talking about multiple tears flowing down cheeks, and that makes me sad for her.

It makes me feel empathy towards her, but just like thoughts,

you don't get to pick your feelings and emotions.

In addition to empathy and sadness, I also felt frustration and shame. A lot of embarrassment.

Right, cause she's crying you guys. She's weeping like a baby.

She's a grown up. She's not bleeding. She's crying like a baby,

and I want her to put on her big girl panties, soldier up,

and make it back to the hotel and let this out in privacy like a grown up.

Because I hate being around a weeping woman in public.

It's one of the things I hate most in life, cause in moments like that,

people feel sorry for her. They feel very differently about me.

In those moments, I'm reminded that apparently I look like the kind of guy who probably beats the shit out of women.

That's the clear assumption of everyone outside of earshot. Everyone who can hear me knows the score.

They hear me saying stuff like, "Baby I think you're hurt. I really think-- Okay. You're not going to listen.

"I think you're making a bad decision. I think we should go to the hospital.

"All right. I can't force you, but you're probably bleeding internally. I bet you are.

"I read some stuff. I bet you are. All right. Well you're going to do what you want then."

Everyone else just sees me, looking like me hunched over a petite weeping woman who's just fallen down stairs.

They just see me, "Hhhahnlll. Hhhhaljl. Nahahana."

I know what they think, they think I'm saying stuff like,

"That's why I fucking pushed you cause you don't listen. You don't. You don't.

You don't listen, and that's why banana feet takes a shortcut down the magic stairs.

"Cause you're just like your mother. You're just like your mother."

[LAUGHTER]

And apparently all of that was my fault.

All of that could have been avoided, if I just would have mentioned my plan earlier in the evening.

If I would have shared details, and, if I could go back in time

and tell her what she wanted to hear and make it all better, would I do that?

No, absolutely not.

From my perspective, that was the most memorable, fun day maybe in our entire relationship.

I mean pretty good day really. It's always a nice day when you're around somebody who has a nasty fall

cause you get the same adrenaline rush as having a nasty fall yourself.

None of the pain of a nasty fall.

And she wasn't bleeding, so she wasn't really hurt.

We did make it to the hotel by 8 o'clock. Almost on the dot,

so we got to go out and have some fun. A deal is a deal. I insisted.

Went out to a nice bar. We had a couple of drinks. End up having a great time.

Got to go back to the hotel, got to have sex with those boots still on,

and I get to tell this story for the rest of my life, so not bad. Not a bad day.

[APPLAUSE]

She's a good sport.

[APPLAUSE]

One of the things I respect most about her actually is she stepped and I have two kids

from previous relationship and she's like the second mom.

I have a son Kyler who's nine. I have a daughter Monroe who's seven.

They're good kids. Yea, they're good man. I'm lucky.

You know they're happy. They're healthy. They are... They are quite smart,

which is the one thing I would scale back if I could pick.

I'm not even entirely joking. If you have smart kids, you know that they are a lot of work.

They're so curious. So curious. Just constant questions. All the time questions.

Right? They like to talk about their talents all the time. Always showcasing what they can do.

Like to go outside, you know that gets old.

They never have any interest in just quietly,

respectfully watching an 8 hour Criminal Minds marathon on the couch like a good person.

They don't care about stuff like that.

Sometimes I get jealous when we're at Chuck E. Cheese,

or we're at the mall food court and I see a couple dumb kids, I think,

"That's a sweet life right there."

If you have dumb kids, you appreciate them. You cherish those easily pleased little angels.

Sometimes I fantasize about having a couple little glossy-eyed little mouth breathers I could just shove

in front of a Sponge Bob marathon.

Kick over a juice box and some string cheese. Carpe Diem.

I could leave the house for 8 hours, not even get a babysitter. Why?

I'll come back. They're right where I put'em.

They may smell worse, but they're just as happy.

That's what's important.

My son Kyler, he's actually gifted. He skipped a grade.

Skipped second grade cause when he was eight he was tested and he reads at a 12th grade level,

and I'm happy for him, but I'm a little sad for me.

I think every good parent wants their kids to eventually accomplish things they weren't able to,

but I'll tell you this... Not when their eight.

Little early. I'll tell you what I don't like about it.

I don't know for sure that I read at a 12th grade level.

I strongly assume I do, but I've never been tested. No one ever had any interest.

And I'm definitely never getting tested now.

I will be emotionally crippled for the rest of my life if I took the same test he took when he was eight and got a 12,

if I took that tomorrow and got like a 6... No good. No good.

I would completely panic. Probably paint his room with as much lead as I could get my hands on.

Make sure he eats off aluminum for the rest of his childhood.

"Dad, why does this fish taste like mercury?"

"Cause I got to narrow the gap! That's why!

"You'll stop getting mercury fish when you stop knowing the fish tastes like mercury.

"You think about that professor."

[LAUGHTER]

You work out that equation.

[LAUGHTER]

My daughter doesn't care about school, but I think she's probably the smartest person in the family.

Monroe doesn't care about school. She doesn't care about her teacher.

She doesn't need that validation. She doesn't need school.

She's street smart.

She's seven. I truly believe she could drop out now, she'd probably be okay.

Force her personality to carry her through life.

She just gets... She just gets life. She doesn't have to have things explained to her. She just understands things.

Like last... When she was six last year, she told me she wanted to be a comic,

and at first I was like she doesn't know what she's saying. That's a word she heard that I do.

There is no way a 6 year old brain could begin to process the complexity,

artistry, philisophory and overall intellectualism that goes into what I do.

Right? Sure.

Thank you for that pity.

So I asked her though. I'm like, "Monroe, why do you want to be a comic?"

Without hesitation, she goes, "I wanna make fun of people and not get in trouble."

Yea. She gets it. That's pretty much it.

[APPLAUSE]

That's really the essence of it.

[APPLAUSE]

God, she is too smart though. Devious. She did something when she was 2 years old

that will scare me for the rest of my life about what she's capable of.

The planning and the manipulation that went into this.

Had tears... It still just blows me away.

When she was 2, her daycare had a no binky policy.

You turn 2, no more binks. You're out of the binks.

And, if you don't have kids, a binky is just a pacifier,

but what it really is, is a baby cigarette.

[LAUGHTER]

Binkies are baby smokes, and some kids have a 2, 3 pack a day binky habit.

That's a good analogy. Have you ever seen like a chain smoker not get to smoke for a long period of time?

They get very anxious, get very upset. They get very negative.

They take that first hit, body relaxes. Positive outlook.

They become reasonable again. That was Monroe.

Right before she turned 2, just angry with no binky,

just, "No! I'm not... I'm not dying! You don't know! No, I'm not! No!"

[LAUGHTER]

"I, uh, I'm gonna go lay down for a little bit."

[LAUGHTER]

When she was turning 2, she was so into binkies, to go to sleep she needed

one in her mouth, one in each hand, 10 to 15 more binkies scattered around her crib in just a binky paradise.

And they expected that level of junkie to go cold turkey in one day. It's unreasonable.

It's unreasonable. Couple days after the ban, they start catching her sneaking her binks.

I was real proud how she did it. She wasn't real overt.

She didn't push it in their faces. She was real crafty.

She'd show up at day care. She'd let the first hour go by, just act like nothing was wrong.

Right? Just, "I don't need a bink. I don't need one. Hah. Big girl pants right here. I'm good. I'm cool."

Right, after like an hour, she'd sneak off to the darkest corner of daycare,

where she would take a binky out of her pocket,

and she would just take a couple hits and then put it back in her pocket.

Walk around again like, "What's up? I'm good. Totally cool.

"Don't even need it. I don't need nothing. I'm good."

[LAUGHTER]

I thought that was hilarious. I thought their response to that was even funnier.

To make sure she doesn't get in binkies in the future,

they start giving her full body pat downs every time she comes in.

Right? Like she's a 2 foot felon trying to sneak a shiv into the yard.

She must've had crazy street cred with the other toddlers.

[LAUGHTER]

Well her pop pop, grandpa was taking her to daycare this time,

and he would get embarrassed when they would catch her with a binky,

so he starts giving her full body pat downs at home.

So she's getting two full body pat downs now. Still sneaks in a bink.

We figured out how she did this, it's terrifying what she's capable of.

She must've realized that pop pop always patted her down in the same location by the front door,

so in anticipation of that she hid a binky in that location

then had the patience to get dressed, get her little pat down,

and then right as they're leaving cup the binky in her hand,

and then feign affection for her grandpa. "Hug pop pop! Hug pop pop!"

She didn't give a shit about pop pop. Just the next step in her plan.

She needed to get close to him, so she could give a fake hug,

and when he's not paying attention drop the binky into his front shirt pocket

and let him transport it unknowingly like a toddler coke mule.

[LAUGHTER]

She would let pop pop get the contraband through customs,

get her second pat down, then chase him like the most affectionate granddaughter of ever

into the parking lot. Just, "Hug pop pop! Hug pop pop!"

No, just an excuse to get the binky back outta his pocket,

sneak it back into her pocket and then strut victorious into daycare like,

"Pop pop can die now and I don't care. Da da da."

It's pretty incredible.

[APPLAUSE]

I thought it was kinda messed up that they didn't let her have a binky after that.

If I'm working that daycare, after all that, she keeps the binky.

Partly out of respect for what she's already accomplished,

partly out of fear of what she may do next. Feel like we're all lucky.

A couple weeks later people are going to see a burning daycare and a happy girl just walking down the road.

-"Are you okay little girl?" -"I'm fine. The bad people are burning."

[LAUGHTER]

That's terrifying. I've always read my kids, you know, bedtime stories.

I mean obviously I don't read Kyler stories now. He's probably dissecting Nietzsche as we speak.

He's trying to discover if we even exist or life has meaning,

but I've always read him like kids stories you know before bed,

and, I'll be honest, I don't really care for children's literature.

And a lot of times I would feel guilty. I felt like I was setting him up for disappointment later in life,

Cause I'm putting these images into their brains of this just positive, blissful world

that doesn't actually exist the way it's described.

And so I took it upon myself to write a new kids book that is significantly more realistic,

if it may be a little darker.

It's kinda like a kids book for grownups,

and so I'm going to pretend that you guys are my kids right now.

You guys are good kids and I'm proud of you.

I love you guys.

[APPLAUSE]

I wanna read you a little bedtime story called 'Daddy bear and the three rabbits meet the real world'.

So let's, if we could, let's dim the lights a little bit.

Make a little story time ambiance.

Here we go. It's about time for bed.

[LAUGHTER]

Boy bear and girl bear settled into the cozy confines of Daddy bear's soft furry lap,

and they handed him the 'Little Engine that Could'.

Story of a small train that pulls an impossible... Like literally impossible amount of freight,

over a very large hill simply by repeatedly telling itself, "I think I can. I think I can."

"Yea. Right," thought Daddy bear, "As if optimism could overcome a poor payload to horsepower ratio,

"gravity and other basic laws of goddamn physics."

[LAUGHTER]

Amused by his own sarcastic logic, Daddy bear laughed aloud.

"What's so funny?" asked girl bear.

Hmmm. That's a tough question for Daddy bear to answer.

On the one paw, he didn't want to shatter his cub's belief in a just and fair world.

Even if he knew that world was no more real than the possibility of his wife bear

letting him bring a new young lady bear into bed from time to time.

[LAUGHTER]

On the other paw, he also didn't want his kids growing up just thinking

that believing something actually gives you the ability to do it,

cause despite what horseshit self help books like 'The Secret' claim,

it's not true. A lot of very well educated people truly believed for example,

that the Titanic was unsinkable. Unfortunately for them,

giant, hole punching icebergs don't give a shit what you believe.

[LAUGHTER]

The world has very firm rules.

[LAUGHTER]

"Well," said Daddy bear, "I laugh cause this story's bullshit."

"Why'd you say a curse word?" asked the suddenly scared boy bear.

Momma bear told him only kidnappers, carnys and drug maniacs talk like that.

He suddenly wondered which group his father belonged to.

"Just get used to that word," said Daddy bear, "Life is full of bullshit." "How?" said girl bear.

"Well, for example," said Daddy bear. "The average wage of the US worker has increased by less than

"ten percent over the past 30 years, while in that same time,

"the average cost for a four year college degree has risen over 500 percent.

"That's greedy corporatization of higher education bullshit."

[APPLAUSE]

"What do those numbers mean?" asked boy bear.

"Well for you," said Daddy bear, "It means you're getting a scholarship or going to community college my friend.

"They also mean your mother and I will literally, I swear to God,

"we will literally kill you if you major in philosophy. Uh uh. Not today.

"You can intellectually jerk off on your own dime buddy. It's called a library.

"Check out some books."

[LAUGHTER]

"No more little engine tonight," said Daddy bear.

"Time for a new story called three rabbits meet the real world.

"Once upon a time, father rabbit gave his three kid rabbits each ten thousand dollars,

"with another hundred grand going to the rabbit who made the most of this initial opportunity.

"Rabbit one took his money and invested in a modest burrow with a slightly used dependable car.

"He got a stable desk job that had a low income ceiling, but decent benefits,

"and even if he didn't really enjoy the work he did, he did enjoy the consistency it provided.

"He invested in low to moderate risk 401ks, always ate at home,

"and never, ever bought brand name clothing."

"I hope he gets the money," said girl bear. "He seems reasonable."

[LAUGHTER]

Daddy bear thought rabbit one sounded like a fucking dork rabbit.

[LAUGHTER]

Probably the kind of rabbit that wears a condom even when he jerks off just to be super safe.

No. Rabbit one's dead, just no one's told him.

[LAUGHTER]

"Rabbit two made a very different choice. He took his money and flew to Amsterdam,

"where he indulged, indulged... He indulged in a culture of casual sex, designer drugs

"and partied harder than the statue of David's dick.

[LAUGHTER]

"Although fun while it lasted, rabbit two's hedonistic lifestyle eventually caught up with him.

"He was found dead in a closet, butt naked with his own belt around his neck

"in a failed attempt at erotic asphyxiation. Yea."

Boy and girl bear looked at each other nervously.

[LAUGHTER]

They knew if Momma bear heard what Daddy bear had just said,

she would flip the fuck out.

They also knew that this was a way better story than the little engines so they stayed quiet.

[LAUGHTER]

Let's see where this goes.

[LAUGHTER]

"Rabbit three took his money and used it on a bid for a foreclosed home,

"then flipped it for pennies on the dollar with the help of hardworking,

"cash under the table illegal Mexican labor rabbits.

"He repeated this process time and time again, hiding most of his profit from the IRS,

"while reporting losses on fake web businesses that only actually existed on paper,

"and then father rabbit came and gave the money to the wisest rabbit."

"Was it rabbit two?" asked boy bear.

"Seriously? The rabbit who died jerking off alone? In a closet?

[LAUGHTER]

"No. Now I'm gonna assume you were joking because I don't want to pay for therapy.

"in my opinion, it's very overpriced and it's a soft science."

[LAUGHTER]

It's true. Rabbit three got the money. Girl bear was outraged.

"What!" she said. "Why not rabbit one. Rabbit three cheated.

"And grandpa bear says cheaters never win."

"Yea, he does," said Daddy bear, "But to be fair, grandpa bear says a lot of things.

"You know that sometimes grandpa bear says that Asian bears can't see as well cause their eyes are smaller.

"Mmmhmm. It's true. one time he said that earthquakes are God's way of warning us

"about homosexuality, cause apparently he thinks God's less concerned with genocide

"and starvation than he is with sodomy and mustaches touching nut sacks."

[APPLAUSE]

"So you might want to grain of salt it when it comes to grandpa bear's advice.

"Fact is kiddo, sometimes cheaters win.

"Sometimes they realize that societies rules are subjective, ever changing and arbitrary.

"You don't have to take my advice either, but if you want it,

"I think you should trust your gut. Love often. Forgive, but never forget.

"Take chances without being totally reckless.

"Life is a wonderful, beautiful gift that you only get one time for sure,

"despite what anybody says. Why wouldn't you take it out of the box every once and a while

"and play with it a little bit."

For the record, that last part is not a masturbation reference.

[LAUGHTER]

And then Daddy bear sent his confused and forever changed cubs to bed,

and he made a mental note to have one or three less gin and tonics before the next story time.

[LAUGHTER]

And he laughed and laughed and laughed until he nearly awoke mama bear

from her Vicodin and Chardonnay induced slumber,

and they all lived happily enough ever after. The end. Thank you guys so much!

I hope you had a good time. Thank you. Aww thank you guys.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you guys. Nah you guys are the best.

I'm so happy I got to be here. Thank you. Thank you guys.

Have a great night.

♪♪

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