Original subtitles

ever get from you guys. Not a hard luck story.

Now you come back here and I'll give you an assignment.

It'll be your last interview with the cashier.

Stu! Stu Smith!

Stu! Oh, Mr. Conroy, give me a crack at that Skyler story, will you? You?

If you ever got your foot into a drawing room, you'd step on a sliding rock.

Stu's the only man who's got brains to handle this. Scram. Say it, bud.

Did you find Stu? Not yet.

Well, did you look in the... First place I looked.

Not there, eh?

Well,

go and dig him up.

Stu!

Pray for me, Gallagher.

Pray for me.

Hold everything.

Stu, your hands are shaking. You've been drinking again. Come on, come on. Here

they come, Gallagher. Here they come.

Boss is getting hoarse.

There's the third one.

If I don't make that last one, there's a sob sister that I know that's going to

get a kick right in the... Whoa!

Almost had that.

Oh, Stu!

Stu Smith!

Stu! What?

The screen?

Here they come.

Gallagher! I made it!

You're always picking on me.

It took me three hours to get those little gadgets in those holes, and you

screw it up in a minute. Hey, look.

Not as easy as it looks, is it?

No wonder you're batty.

Would it be imposing too much upon you if I asked you to do a little work

today, just to sort of break the monotony?

With me, you can always do business.

You know what to do in a drawing room?

It isn't a question of knowing what to do. It's knowing how to get in one to

count.

Yeah, yeah, it's okay, okay.

Now, listen, we've got a tip.

The Schuyler family have finally made a deal with that chorus dame.

Gloria Golden?

Yeah, yeah, little Gloria.

Ah, the human cash register.

Got her hooks into the Schuyler kid, huh?

Right, for the first time this year.

Yeah, it was only April. Well, come on, get going, get going. Get going where?

I could write that story without stepping out of the office. Yes, and get

us in for a million-dollar libel suit.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Now, you get over there and get a statement out of the old lady, the

sister, or the kid.

Any of them, but get it. All right.

Give me a voucher for the expenses.

What expenses?

Well, all you need is coffee at Long Island, and you better get a shave and a

shine, because you, you're going to have a tough time getting in there as it is.

Yeah, I know those blue noses.

Their ancestors refused to come over on the Mayflower because they didn't want

to rub elbows with the tourists.

So they swam over.

Dexter Grayson, if you're any kind of a lawyer, you'll get those letters back.

But I keep telling you how difficult it is, Mrs. Kyler. The last time I asked

her for those letters, she made very uncouth noises with her mouth.

I don't know why you're making all this fuss. I only sent her six of them. If

you had to make a fool of yourself, why didn't you tell it to her instead of

writing? Because I couldn't get her on the phone.

Imbecile!

You should have known better than to write, Romeo.

I found that out a long time ago. I should say you had. At the rate you two

are going, we'll have to leave the country to save our faces.

Splendid, Mother.

Let's hop over to Monte Carlo.

It's a great place to save a face. Oh, shut up.

What is it, Smythe?

Pardon me, Madam, but what am I to say to the newspaper men?

Dexter, go out and tell those ruffians I have nothing to say.

You can't do that.

Leave it to me. I know how to handle reporters.

All right, then. Get it over with.

We've decided to see the reporters.

Send in the man from the Tribune first. Very good, sir. Smythe. Some bicarbonate

of soda.

Double strength.

I know those news mongers will upset me.

I anticipated it, madam. The bicarbonate is ready.

Hey, Benji.

You'll find the silverware in the dining room.

Much obliged.

Mr. Grayson has decided to see you.

The gentleman from the Tribune first.

There are no gentlemen on the Tribune. I understand, sir.

Hey, take it easy. Take it easy.

Oh, listen, my boy. No use you hanging around here.

Just buy a copy of the Tribune, read it over, then make a rewrite, and you can

use it for your last edition. Never make the last edition.

Take me four hours to translate your story into English.

Oh, is that so? I'm afraid.

Take off your hat. You might make an impression.

Impossible. Put it on again.

Hey, make up your mind, will you?

Hiya, folks.

What's the matter? Ain't there a blush in the crowd?

You're the Tribune man.

Yeah, hello. How are you?

Fine.

Have a seat.

Thanks, I will.

This way.

Oh, man.

Oh, boy.

Fine newspaper, the Tribune. Oh, well, I should say.

I knew you were managing editor very well. Is that so?

Yale, 21, I believe.

Huh? We were classmates.

What's the matter? She got a cold?

I got him his job on the paper. I'm a stockholder, you know. Oh, is that so?

One tribune man to another. Yeah.

But right now I'm acting in the capacity of Mrs. Kyler's attorney.

Oh, that's all right with me. I won't hold that against you.

But you see, I'm over here to find out about it. I know, I know.

But there's no truth in the story whatsoever.

Oh, yeah?

However, I've taken the trouble to prepare a little statement.

Here it is.

Here.

So you see how silly that rumor is?

Why, sure.

It's all a lot of hooey.

That's what I wanted to say, but I couldn't think of it.

Thank you very much. All right, all right. Don't mention it.

Give my regards to your managing editor.

I certainly will.

Well, so long, folks.

Bless you.

Bless you. Thanks.

Hello, Mackenzie.

My, bring in the other reporter. Yes, sir.

Skyler's the name, I presume?

Yeah, thank you, thank you. My name's Smith.

Stuart Smith.

No relation to John, Joe, Trade, or Mark.

Of course, you can't have everything.

Nice set of Conrad you have out there, Miss Skyler. I was just glancing through

this one.

What's Michael telling the paper about?

Just a habit.

Mr. Skyler is a bit put out by all these rumors going around.

Rumors? Rumors?

Since when is a breach of promise case a rumor? No breach of promise case has

been filed.

The matter has been settled out of court.

Oh, I see.

Gloria isn't exactly satisfied with the $20,000.

Dexter Grayson?

You told me it was only $10,000. And you didn't even get those letters from that

gentleman.

So you did give her $10,000, huh?

And their letters.

Well, well, that takes it out of the rumor class, doesn't it? We admit

nothing.

However, I have a little statement all prepared.

Statement? Good.

I have it right here. Good.

Fifty bucks, eh?

Don't you know you should never offer a newspaper man more than $2?

If you do, you'll think it's counterfeit.

I don't need $50.

As a matter of fact, I've got $50.

The man from the Tribune seemed perfectly satisfied.

Oh, Benji? Yeah, Benji would. He never saw $50 before.

You could have bought him for six bits.

Funny thing about Benji, the more he gets, the more he prints.

He looks stupid, doesn't he?

But oh, how smart he gets when he bends over a typewriter.

So ten grand was the amount you gave the gal, huh?

Any other statements you folks would like to make? We have nothing more to

say. Wait a minute.

Don't get excited.

Nothing to worry about.

Little publicity never hurt anybody.

Dexter, have this person leave immediately.

I think you better go.

Go, huh? Oh, wait a minute.

That's a great story.

Newspaper reporter was forcibly ejected from the Schuyler mansion and... Oh,

wait a minute.

I don't mind if you don't. And?

I'm sure you're quite willing to be decent about this.

Decent? Why, Miss Schuyler, I want to be noble.

You're not going to fit this silly thing, are you?

No.

Why not?

Oh, because my name's Schuyler, too, and I haven't done a thing.

But I'll have to suffer with Michael, and so will Mother.

Mother's suffering already?

As a special favor to me, you won't print that story, will you?

Please?

You know something, lady? If you sold life insurance, I'd go for a policy in

60 seconds. Oh, thank you.

I knew you'd understand.

May I use your telephone?

Certainly. Right over there.

Yeah, all right.

Hello?

Uh, Beekman, 1300.

Beekman, 1300.

Yeah, that's an unlucky number. You know that, don't you?

Hello? Hello, Tootis. Conroy? Let me have Conroy.

He isn't?

Try the washroom, will you?

Say, I interviewed a swell guy the other day. Einstein.

Swell guy. A little eccentric, but a swell guy. Doesn't wear any garters.

Neither do I, as a matter of fact.

What good are garters after... Hello?

Hey, Conroy, this is Smith talking.

I'm up at the Skyler's.

No, I'm not having tea.

That is, not yet.

Is she beautiful?

Oh, boss, her pictures don't do her justice.

If I were that guy Ziegfeld, I... Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Yes. You can see where her beauty comes from.

From her mother.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Just hold, keep your shirt on. I'll come to

that in a minute.

Yeah. The Skylers admit the story is true.

Right. Now, they gave the gal 10,000 bucks, but she's got some letters, and

she's holding out for more dough.

And it looks to me like she's going to get it.

Right, boss. I'll be right over.

Right.

No, I don't think I can get any pictures now.

Right.

I've met some rotters in my time.

But without a doubt, you're the lowest excuse for a man I've ever had the

misfortune to meet.

Well, if you feel that way about it, here's your nickel for the phone call.

Oh, how are you, Mr. Clark? Come right in.

How are you?

And

she

walked up to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said...

Mr. Smith, you wouldn't print that story, would you?

No, I wouldn't print it. Read it.

You're certainly going to be poisoned to that junior lego from now on.

Gosh, and I hope not. I got a call on her this morning.

You what?

Sure.

I must drop in and see the witch.

Her wounds need soothing.

For heaven's sake, Stu, are you completely bats? What for?

I thought that story was cold. You can't go back there. Sure, the story's cold,

but I'm not. I'm sizzling. Look.

Oh,

came the dawn, came the dawn.

And with it came love.

Oh, Gallagher, you got to meet her.

She's it.

And that.

And those and them.

Well, I've seen her pictures, and I don't think she's so hot.

You don't appreciate it. Pictures don't do it justice.

Oh, Gallagher, she's queenly.

She is queenly. And I know queens.

And, oh, has she got herself a nose?

And I know noses, too.

That little snozzle of hers is the berries, I tell you.

And is it cute when she throws that little snozzle to the high heavens?

Of course, I haven't got a nose.

Sure, sure, you've got a nose, Gallagher, you've got a nose. But that's

different.

Women are different, Gallagher.

You know, like brewery horses and thoroughbreds.

Oh, now, Stu, I wouldn't be too hard on her.

I wouldn't call her a brewery horse.

Gallagher, she's a real McCoy.

The rest of us are truck horses.

There you go, talking like a woman.

Well? Well, you're my pal, aren't you?

And don't turn female on me.

Pay that check, will you, Gallagher?

I'll give it back to you sometime.

Maybe.

I go. I go with Conrad in quest of my youth.

Fry those tomatoes, will you, Gallagher?

No, no, no, no, Jeeves.

Was that nice?

Was that being a gentleman, Jeeves?

Your name is Jeeves, isn't it? The name is Smythe.

Smythe. Well, well, well.

Why, huh?

Well, congratulations.

What a small world.

Brothers on delivery.

Now, as Smith to Smythe. Mrs.

Skylar is not at home. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I waited outside until she

went out.

She's a nice lady. She's all right. But we don't vibrate well together.

No one's at home, son.

Now, gee, would you call this no one?

What's wrong?

Mrs. Schuyler left orders, miss, that if this person came again, I was to call

the police.

That's a good idea.

Telephone the police.

Number is spring 3100. Get a couple of cops over here and we'll have a rubber

bridge, huh? You may go, Smythe. But I... Now, the lady said you may go.

What do you want?

Well, I tell you, when I was here yesterday, I had one of your books in my

hand. When I got outside, I realized I still had your book in my hand.

So as long as I had your book in my hand, I thought I might as well take it

home and read it.

This morning, I got up and put your book in my hand, and here's your book in your

hand. That's considerate of you. Yeah, that was considerate of me. I recommend

you read that. I'm not interested in your literary recommendations.

Well, perhaps it would be a little heavy for you. If you'd like something

lighter, something with a touch of romance, just listen to this.

Adorable Babykins.

Does her miss her baby?

Him sends his boo for little Sweetums a billion oceans full of kisses.

Bobo is so lonely. Just a moment. I don't see how that trash can possibly

concern me. Yeah, but you don't know who Bobo is, and you don't know who Babykins

is. I'm not interested.

Smythe will open the door.

Smythe will open... But Bobo is your brother Michael.

And, of course, nobody would ever guess who Babykins is.

Where did you get those letters?

I stole them when I was interviewing Babykins about Bobo.

I suppose you're going to print them.

No.

Give you another guess.

Oh, I don't need another guess.

It's quite obvious.

Oh, it's obvious, huh?

Will you step into the library?

Sure, I'll take a chance.

You know, the Indians used to walk like this, except the squaw always walked in

the back.

Do you know why that was?

That was in case of an attack from the plunder.

Of course, if the attack was from the rear, she had to be pinned upon a

papoose.

Oh, yes, papooses always had bows and arrows.

Of course, if she wasn't married, then she had to protect her own nub.

What country is this library in?

Miss Skylar, how about car fare back to the front door, huh?

Uh, what are the initials, Mr, uh... Smith.

Stuart Smith.

My friends all call me Stu.

It's an injustice, Stu, because I hold my liquor all right.

Will 5,000 be enough?

For what?

For the letters, of course.

You shouldn't do that, Miss Schuyler.

That's all right for your lawyer friend.

But you shouldn't go around thinking you can buy people.

There are your letters.

I don't know how to thank you.

Mother will be so grateful, she'll probably want to kiss you.

Your mother want to kiss me?

Give me back my letters.

That's the breaks I get. It's the mothers that are always grateful to me.

You're a peculiar person.

Why, the other day I pleaded with you not to send in that story and... I know,

but that was news.

This is blackmail.

And I don't like blackmail.

I won't even pretend you haven't done me a great favor.

I wish there was something I could do for you.

Well, you could make this table a little, uh... a little less wide.

There is something you can do for me, Miss Skylar.

I haven't had any lunch. You got anything in the icebox?

Oh, you fool.

After years of research, I finally discovered that I was the only guy in

the world who hadn't written a play.

So believe it or not, in my spare time, I'm now writing a play. Really?

Yeah. Haven't figured out the plot yet.

But it's laid in a Siberian village.

You're a bit eccentric, aren't you?

Me?

Most ordinary guy in the world, me.

Only one thing wrong with me.

You don't wear garters.

No.

No, that's just a symbol of my independence.

I know what's wrong.

I'm colorblind.

That's what's wrong. I'm colorblind.

I've been sitting here for a half hour looking at you, and I don't know yet

whether your eyes are blue or violet.

I'm just beginning to believe that something could be done with you.

So you can do anything with me you want to do.

Putty. Yes, putty. That's me.

We're getting back to those eyes of yours.

Would you mind if I... If I kind of got closer so I could see them?

Not if you're going to lose any sleep about it.

Now, how would you like them? Open like this?

Close them both.

Something tells me I'd better leave.

That's an excellent idea.

Oh, hello, Mother.

Oh, hello. Hello, Mrs. Scarlet. Come right in. We'll have a slug of tea.

What is this person doing here? Why?

Well, as a matter of fact, I was just trying to decide the color of Ann's

eyes. I can't tell whether they're blue or whether they're violet.

What would you say, Mrs. Cavanagh? Oh, don't say it, Mother. Please.

Mr. Smith came here today to do us a great favor. Indeed?

Perhaps he will do me a great favor.

Oh, with pleasure, Madam.

Get out of here. Oh, Mother.

It's all right. It's all right, Ann.

I can take a hint.

It's a little subtle, but I get it. It's all right. Please go.

I'll explain to Mother.

The caviar was lovely, Madam.

You must come over and see us sometime.

Where were you yesterday?

Oh, Stu and I went for a long ride.

Dexter, is there any finishing school we could send him to?

Yes. Sing Sing.

Oh, just the same. He's going to be a different person when I get through with

him. When you get through with it. Yes, it's going to be a very interesting

experiment. To make a gentleman out of a tramp.

Exactly. Now, Anne, you'll remember how much it costs to get rid of that

baseball player.

You don't seem to understand that this one's different. He has brains.

What about me, Anne? You?

Oh, don't go serious on me, Dexter.

Miss Montgomery, Mr. Stuart Smith, Mrs.

Ames, Mrs.

Radcliffe, and Mr. Radcliffe. How do you do?

Hey,

who's Anne's new boyfriend?

Well, if my ears don't deceive me, I believe his name is Smith.

Smith? He can't be one of the brothers. He hasn't a beard on.

Well, he must have something. Or Anne wouldn't have her clutches on him.

Oh,

my name is Smith.

That you seem to have been able to stand for the last month.

I'm white, male, and over 21.

I've never been in jail.

That is, not often.

And I prefer scotch to bourbon. I hate carrots, I hate peas, I like back

coffee, and I hate garters.

I make 75 bucks a week, and I got 847 bucks in the bank.

And I don't know yet whether your eyes are blue or violet.

because your two followers do.

Yeah, sure. I got a new dress.

New hat, too.

Well, I'll try and get Stu to come with me.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's all right.

You know, he thinks he's stuck on some society gal.

No, it won't last.

Better not last.

What? Oh, I'll be surprised, eh?

Well, listen, if there's any news in that sheet...

that I haven't thrown in the waste paper basket, I'll eat it.

They're going to kick about that expense account. You call yourself a reporter?

Well, it has been alleged, yes.

Why, you wouldn't know news if you fell into a mess of it nose first.

So you're the bright lad that's never been scooped?

Not on my own beat, no.

No? Well, where were you when that happened?

I've heard of people being scooped on their own funerals. But this?

Holy mackerel.

Why, it's news when Ann Scarlett gets her fingernails manicured.

But this?

She gets married to one of our... reporters and the Tribune beats us to

it. Well, what do you guys want?

Go on, get back to your desks. Go back to your work.

Now, don't tell me you were drunk at the time and don't remember, or is it one of

Benji's snowstorms? No, no, no.

It's true, all right. Only we didn't want it to get in print yet, that's all.

Why not?

Well, you see, I've acquired one of those new mother-in-laws, and we were

afraid she wouldn't understand the whole idea, so we were going to wait until she

went to Europe. Well, what do I care about your mother-in-law? You're still

working on this paper, aren't you?

Or are you? Yes, sir. Well, it's your business to get news, and here you have

a story right in your own lap, and you let the Tribune scoop us on it, making a

first-class grade-A monkey out of me.

Well, if it ever happens again, just don't bother about coming back.

That's all.

Thanks for your congratulations.

Hey, sir!

Oh, Stu.

I fooled you, didn't I? You thought it was me. Hi, Stu.

Hi, Joe.

Well, well, Stu.

Congratulations.

Have a drink from the house. Have a drink. Drink? Well, I'm going to have a

lot of drinks.

Have a drink.

Have a drink.

Come on.

Wait a minute. Excuse me. Wait a minute. I'll be right back. Wait a minute.

Well, well, well.

Gallagher, old pal.

So there you are, huh?

Where did you run away for?

I didn't run away.

Sure you ran away.

Aren't you going to congratulate a guy?

Sure.

Wish you all the luck in the world, pal.

Thanks, thanks.

I hope you'll be very happy. Oh, sure, we'll be happy.

What's the matter with your eyes?

They smoke.

Joe! Yeah? Little, uh, snifter?

Say, was I a lucky guy to fall into a girl like that, hmm?

Look at that.

I don't know how I rate that, Gallagher.

Gosh, there's a swell girl. I want you to meet her.

Who, me? Yeah. Oh, she wouldn't want to meet me.

I'm just an old load of hay. Ah, thank you, Joe.

Tell you what we'll do, we'll have a party down at your house, one of those

spaghetti parties, you know?

Haven't had one in a long time, have we, Gallagher?

Not since you broke into society.

Remember the time we had the spaghetti party?

And while I was serving the spaghetti, I dropped it on the floor, and when those

mugs weren't looking, I served it to them anyway, remember that?

Yes, Ann, I'd love that.

Stu, do you think your wife would walk up three flights of stairs, just eat out

of paper plates?

Ann, oh, sure, Ann, I'd love that.

Remember, she's a scholar.

Now get this, Gallagher, Smith, that's the name.

Myers. Hello, Chief.

Oh, here she is. Oh, cut that out. Just because I'm married, there's no reason

for that. It's me, the offspring.

Well,

what's the Benedict looking for in the newspaper? His lost freedom?

Well, if it isn't old Fagin himself.

Gallagher and myself just came over here to do a little, uh...

Work on a story.

Baloney. Joe, bring me a special.

Isn't it swell about Stu's marriage?

Is it?

Well, when are you quitting?

Quitting? I'm not thinking of quitting.

I take it you don't have to work for a living anymore, Mr.

Skylar? Now, get this, Conroy. My name's Smith.

Always was Smith. Always gonna be Smith.

Is that so? That's so.

And Skyler's in the blue book. You're not even in the phone book. Think that

one over, sucker.

But that doesn't make any difference if they love each other.

Laugh. He's like a giraffe marrying a monkey. What?

Listen. You'll never be anything but just the reporter that married to

Skyler's millions.

Stu Smith is dead and buried.

From now on, you'll be just Ann Skyler's husband.

A rich wife's magnolia.

If you can smoke that without getting sick.

You're welcome to it. But that's perfectly ridiculous. Wait a minute. Let

me do the talking now, Gallagher. Now, you get this, Conroy.

Ann Skyler's got a lot of dough. All right.

I married her. All right.

But her dough and me, no connection.

Just a boy in a gilded cage.

A what?

You heard me.

A bird in a gilded cage. Gosh, I've been reading a lot of cheap tabloids.

Ann and myself are going to move downtown in a nice little flat. We're

going to forget all about this social stuff.

And we're going to be known as Mr. and Mrs. Stu Smith. Now, how do you like

that? And live on your salary, I suppose.

Live on my salary, yeah.

That is, until I finish writing my play. What play?

My play.

The one about the Siberian bloodhound?

Siberian bloodhound? Oh, no, no. It's been all rewritten.

Played in Arabic now.

Arabic? Sure.

Arabic, my... Well, I'm sorry to see a good reporter go bluey.

Let me know when you're quitting. I'm not quitting. No?

No. For he's only a boy in a gilded cage, a beautiful sight to see.

Tweet, tweet!

Oh, go on and laugh, you hyena.

Oh, don't pay attention to him, Stu. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Pay attention to him? I ain't paying no attention to him. You think that guy can

get me upset?

Not that mug.

It's a tough mug.

Hard, cynical.

He doesn't know there's any fine things in life, that guy.

It's getting so now that if a guy steps out, he's called a magnolia.

Stu Smith, a magnolia.

Say, Stu Smith is not going to hang around and be any speakeasy rat, I'll

tell you that. Not me, not me.

I'm going to step out and mean something in this world. You watch me.

I'm a lucky guy that I can even be near, Ann Skyler.

I've been hit with a carload of horseshoes, and believe me, I know it.

Lucky, I'll say I'm lucky.

Don't you think I'm lucky, Gallagher?

Sure, I think so. Sure you would, pal.

Paired in a gilded cage, huh?

How's her family gonna feel about it?

Her family?

Oh, they'll be all right. I'll bring them around.

Gilded cage.

That ain't mine, her family.

Gilded... Stu Smith.

Ha! Gilded cage, that mug. What does he know?

I don't know what you need me here for. It isn't my funeral. Stay right here,

Michael. Someday you'll be head of this family.

But thank heaven I shan't be here when it happens.

And I hope you'll never have a daughter who gives you gastritis, as Anne has me.

Oh, now, Mother, calm yourself. There's no use to get so excited. Oh, isn't

there? Sit down.

It's my father's week.

A double string.

Mother, if you keep this up, you'll have a nervous breakdown before you go to

Europe. Oh, it's a good thing your father passed away before he saw

insanity ravage the family.

I can't imagine what made you do such a thing. A reporter of all things. A

reporter. A barbarian who lets his socks come down. Mother, I promise you that he

won't be a reporter much longer.

Once I get him away from that atmosphere and get him away from a man named

Gallagher... Sit down.

Drink hearty, Mother.

Anne. Anne.

Mrs. Scarlet.

Well, what's to be done?

He's here now.

Nobody seems to want to do anything.

Why not ask me? Perhaps I could offer a suggestion.

Do what about what?

About what? Your marriage to Anne.

Oh, my marriage to Anne.

Now, Mrs. Scarlet, we don't want you to go to any trouble about that. We just

want the usual blessings, that's all.

Young man.

I want you to know that I object violently to this whole affair.

No, Mother, your attitude's perfectly ridiculous.

It's done now.

Stuart and I are married.

Yeah, I'm afraid she's right, Mrs. Schuyler.

I'm really very sorry, Mrs. Schuyler, that you feel this way. I... I was in

hopes that you would like me.

I'm not the... the burglar that you think I am.

After all, we're married. I think the thing to do is to kiss and make up,

Mother. Stop calling me Mother.

All right, Grandma.

Oh, this man's impossible.

I can't talk to him.

Grayson, let's go where we can think.

You see what you've done to me?

Ah, got it too, huh?

Who won that round?

Raid your mother won that round.

That is, she got the last blow in. You know, I don't feel the way they do.

You're really not as bad as everybody thinks.

Well, begin to appreciate me, huh?

Come on upstairs. I'll give you a little, uh... Sure, I'll be right up.

He's all right. I like him. Oh, I'm glad.

Come here, baby.

I haven't seen you for three hours.

You're neglecting me already.

What's the matter?

Something I ate, no doubt.

Egg marks the spot.

You ought to get some new ties to it.

I don't need no new ties.

I got another tie.

Got another one besides this one.

It's a pip, too.

Only one thing wrong with it.

You know what that is?

It has a little weakness for gravy.

And once in a while, it leans toward ketchup.

Of course, that's only in its weaker moments.

When you move down to my place, I'll show it to you.

In your place?

Yeah.

Oh, it's great. Of course, it doesn't compare with this coliseum of yours

here. But it will serve, milady. It will serve.

The architecture is...

where it has a little feeling of Missouri Gothic.

And the furniture sort of leans toward Oklahoma Renaissance with a tiny touch

of Grand Rapids.

Don't you think it's silly of us to think of living there when we have this

whole big house?

When we have...

You mean you'd like to have me live here in your house? Sure, we can have the

whole left wing and be all by ourselves all the time. Oh, we could have the

whole left wing. Well, wouldn't that be nice? Would that be room enough for us?

Oh, darling, of course. If it isn't, there are six rooms and two baths, but

if that isn't enough, Mother will give us the blue room, I think. Oh, Mother

would give us the blue room.

You haven't a red room, have you?

Well, bless your heart, wouldn't that be nice?

Well, well.

Six rooms and two bares and a brew room.

I guess she would let us have the right wing if we need it, wouldn't she? No,

but we don't need it, I'm sure. Oh, I see. We won't need that yet.

Plenty of room. Plenty of room.

Look, Ann.

Now, never mind.

You're not serious about this, are you? Of course I am, Stuart.

Now, well, now, let's get this settled.

You have the cutest nose I ever... Never mind, never mind, never mind my nose.

What kind of a chump do you think I am?

You think I'm going to live here in your house, on your dough?

What do you think my friends would all say? Oh, don't be silly.

I'd get the razzing of my life for that.

A bird in a gilded cage, that's what I'd be. Not me.

No, no, not me.

What do you think my friends would say if they found me in a little cheap flat?

It isn't cheap.

It's nice. Oh, listen, stupid.

Let's not talk about things like that now. Now, wait a minute.

I'll do anything you ask me to do, but I will not live... I love that nose. Oh,

it's such a sweet... Oh, the nose.

Nevertheless, whether the nose is sweet or not, I'm not going to live in your

house. You might as well get that straight.

You want me to be happy, don't you?

And I'm not going to live in that.

Mr. Smith, sir.

Mr.

Smith, sir.

Mr. Smith, sir.

How do you like your bath, sir?

I like my bath all right. How do you like your bath?

Who are you?

I'm your valet, sir.

Dawson is the name, sir.

You my what?

Your valet, sir.

Thank you, thank you,

thank you. I'll do that for you sometime.

It's very sweet now.

Say, listen.

What did you say your name was?

Dawson, sir.

Dawson.

Was I very drunk last night?

Drunk, sir? Yes.

Gosh, I must have been plastered if I hired a valet.

Oh, but you, you didn't engage me, sir.

Who did engage you, then, if I didn't engage you? What are you doing? Did you

take anything out of those pants? Oh, no, sir, no.

What are you doing fooling around in here?

Oh, Miss Skylar. I mean, Mrs. Smith. She engaged me this morning, sir.

Oh, Mrs. Smith.

Mm-hmm.

So Mrs. Smith engaged me a valet, huh?

That's very nice of you, Smith, to engage me a valley.

Say, you know, you're nice.

You're all right.

You'd make a good wife.

Well, thank you for... Well, not for me. You just... Anybody liked you'd be all

right.

You're a nice fellow, you're all right, but I'm sorry I don't need any valets

today. Oh, but indeed you do, sir, if you don't mind my saying so.

A gentleman's gentleman, as it were.

Someone to draw your bath and lay out your clothes, help to dress you. It's

really most essential, sir. You know, you're trying to tell me that I need

someone to help me put on my pants and button them up. Quite, sir, quite. And

I'm sorry. Now, I appreciate your efforts, but I don't need anybody.

To help me button my pants. I've been buttoning my pants for 30 years, all

right. And I can button them with one hand, as a matter of fact. But, Mr.

Smith, now, please.

You listen.

You've got a nice face.

And you wouldn't want anything to happen to your face, would you? Oh, no, sir.

All right.

Outside. I beg your pardon? Outside.

Oh, I think I understand, sir. You mean you want me to go.

There you are. You caught on, didn't you? You see, you're nice and you're

smart, too. You caught on right away.

Outside. Go on. Outside.

And don't come back. No, sir. No.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's this?

Oh, that's a canary, sir.

That's a canary. Who brought that in here? Canary, huh?

Go on now. Get that out of here. Get that out of here.

Yes, sir.

Very good, sir. It's a bird. A bird in a gilded cage. Get that thing out of here.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Dawson, see that all Mr. Smith's clothes go to the cleaners this morning,

please. Very good, madam.

Hey, who is this mother?

I got a present. Shut your eyes.

I keep them closed.

I know you're going to love them. There.

She's little.

Couldn't be an automobile, could it?

Isn't that nice?

You like them?

Got my initials on them, too. They're cute. They're nice little... What do you

do with them? You wear them, of course, silly.

Not me.

Haven't worn these things for years.

Yeah, I know that.

Guys, that'd be foolish. I couldn't look Gallagher in the face.

Darling, I don't care whether you can look Gallagher in the face or not, but

you're gonna be a good boy and wear garters.

Yes. I love you, dear. I'll eat spinach for you. I'll go to the dentist twice a

year for you. I'll wash behind my ears for you, but I'll never wear garters.

Oh, yes, you will, my dear.

Oh, yes, you will, my dear.

You'll wear a garter, and you'll like it, too.

Oh, no, I won't, my dear.

Oh, no, I won't, my dear.

I'll wash behind the ear, but no, I won't, my dear.

Oh, yes, you will, my dear.

Oh, yes, you will, my dear.

You'll eat spinach, but you'll wear garters, too. Oh, you can't carry a

tune. You can't carry a tune.

All you are good for is to sit and spoon-spoon.

Oh, you won't wear garters. Oh, yes, you will, my dear.

Yes.

Is it real?

Of course it's real.

Any diamonds on them?

Must have set him back at least six bits.

One just can't wear those and be decent.

Yes, you can, if you belong to the 400.

Hey, I wonder what number he is. Come on, get out.

What's the matter with you, Munson? Have you ever seen a guy with a pair of

garters on before? What do you suppose he wears them for? Can it be possible to

hold these socks up? Yes, that's it.

You know, ones hose look horribly untidy when the hand moves slightly. Don't you

think so, Percy?

Is it? Oh, my dear, they look...

Gustly? They look gustly. Come on, come on, two of you. Come on, come on. Get

out of the way.

Hey, Stu.

Your policeman.

Yeah.

Hello.

Oh, hello, dear.

Hi. Wait a minute.

Go on, beat it, will you? Go on, go on. Screw, screw it. This is my wife. Go

ahead, folks.

Pardon me.

In your respective chapeau and over your cauliflower ears.

Hello, dear.

It's nearly six o'clock and you know how long it takes you to dress.

But the ambassador's coming at eight, and you've got to be ready by the time

he gets here.

I'd like to see Miss Wilson, please.

Whom should I see?

Miss Gallagher of the Post.

Miss Gallagher, the person. Oh, yes.

Miss Gallagher. Yes.

I'm Miss Wilson, Mrs. Schuyler's social secretary.

I was sent in the post in place of our social editor. Oh, yes, of course. Miss

Ramsey telephoned me.

Well, what would you like to have?

Why, a list of the guests. That's the usual thing, isn't it? Yes, of course.

I'll get it for you.

In the meantime, would you like to take a look around?

Yes. Thank you.

It's a lovely dress.

Thank you.

Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith? Yes.

Oh, you mean Anne Scarlet's husband?

Yes. Oh, he's probably very tired. You see, he's had to meet all these people

personally tonight.

Yes, that's the matter.

You newspaper people have a lot of fun with him, don't you?

What is it you call him, the Cinderella man?

Miss Wilson. Yes. Mrs. Smith would like to see you. All right. Will you excuse

me?

Mr. Smith, I've read some of your plays, and I'd like an autograph.

Well, well, well, if it isn't my old friend. Hey, turn around, gal. Let's get

a look at you. There you are. Well, daughter of the slums, how'd you get out

of the ghetto, huh?

Well, I'm pinch-hitting for our society editor tonight.

I wanted to see some life in the raw. Oh, you wanted to see some life in the

raw, huh? Well, gal, I'm afraid we ain't got no raw life up here.

Well, I'll have to go someplace else. No, you won't. Maybe we could interest

you in some well-done butterflies, or perhaps some slightly fried pandas, or

better still.

Some stuffed shirts. And guaranteed, every one of them will give you a good

stiff pain in the neck.

Say, who's been tying your tie, lady? It looks rotten.

Gallagher, do you look good. Mark, what are you doing to yourself, huh? What did

you do to that hair?

And where did you get that dress?

Well, I dyed one and washed the other. Oh, you dyed one and washed the other.

Well, you certainly look good.

Don't turn around now, but there's a very beautiful girl up there who seems

to be staring at us. Staring at us?

My mistake. She's glaring. She must be my wife.

It is my wife.

Hi, Ann.

Don't go away.

Stay right there because I'm going to bring a friend up I want you to meet.

Prepare yourself for the treat of your life.

This is Gallagher.

Gallagher? Sure, my pal on the paper.

She's subbing for the society editor tonight.

Oh, yes, of course. How do you do?

Gallagher? Mrs. Smith.

How do you do?

You know, Stuart, you failed to mention that Miss Gallagher was a very beautiful

young girl.

Gallagher?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you failed to mention that Gallagher was a girl. I

failed? Well, now, that's funny.

Isn't that funny? Yes, isn't it?

Well, you see, I...

We never look at Gallagher as a girl.

No? Well, what do you look upon her as? Well, down in the office, we always just

look at... Gallagher, that's all. Well, you see, they all consider me just as

one of the boys. Right.

Indeed, how interesting.

Yes, isn't it?

Miss Wharton will give you the guest list and any other details you need,

Miss Gallagher.

Well, thank you.

I'll go and look for her at once.

Goodbye, Mrs. Smith. Goodbye, Miss Gallagher.

Goodbye, Sue.

That was kind of a rotten thing to do, Ann.

After all, Gallagher's my friend.

The least you can do is be courteous to her.

I thought I was very charming, Stuart. You did.

That's a lot of hoy.

I'm going to apologize.

Oh, Stuart, please.

I'm sorry, Doctor. Really, I am sorry.

That's all right, Stu.

Forget it. As far as she's concerned, I'm just part of the hired help.

Oh, no. No, no.

Strange. I've never seen Ann act that way before.

It's funny I never thought to tell her that you were a girl, isn't it?

Yes.

Hello there, Meadows.

Who is it you wish to see, sir? I want to see Stu Smith.

Oh, excuse me, I mean Mr.

Smith. Pardon me, Mr.

Smith's engaged.

We have a reception here this evening. Oh, a party. Great, great. Jolly times

and merry pranks. That's me. I'm a guy who loves parties.

You know, I... Beautiful pair of shoulders.

But listen now, as a favor, will you please make it snappy laughing waters

and tell Stu Smith I've got to see him because if you don't, my whole family's

going to die.

I'll tell Mr. Smith at once, sir. Have a seat.

Well, I've got a seat, but I have no place to put it.

Oh, pardon me, sir, but I've heard that one before.

Excuse me. I want to be sure and see that he doesn't take away any of the

bars.

Well, well, well.

My little pal Gallagher's a gal, huh?

That's just to give you an idea that I know how to treat a gal.

Get fresh with me and I'll suck you in that little nose of yours.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

What's the matter, Benji?

A little clumsy to get in your pocket?

No, I was just looking at it. Pretty, ain't it? I see. I was just looking for

the price tag.

What do you want?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I just flew over. I wanted to see how the old news hound looked made up for a

gentleman. Would you like to have me turn around for you, Benji?

Oh, boy, I'd love it.

How's that?

Not bad. Not good, but not bad.

You ought to be able to fool about almost anybody.

Is that so?

Well, have you seen enough, or would you like a photograph?

A photograph?

What's the matter? Hasn't Mama had you done an oil jet?

Just a jiggle, oh, da, da, da. Now, get this mug.

You've got the kind of chin I'd just love to touch.

And if you don't get out of here, I'm going to hang one right on it. Uh-uh,

now, take it easy. Take it easy, Dempsey. Just relax, my boy. Relax and

open your pores.

I bring a message from Gosha. Yeah?

Yeah, the boss sent me over to offer you a job.

He wants you to write a daily column on the Tribune. Go on.

Well, it's all right. You can write your own ticket, 150 bucks a week. All right,

I'll buy it. What's the catch?

No, there's no catch. This is on the up and up.

Of course, all you have to do is just sign the article, By Ann Schuyler's

husband.

Well, how's the old Cinderella man feel about that?

Well, Bull, sir, very neat.

That's what I think of it, Benji.

Mike, the gentleman's leaving.

Yes, sir.

Good morning, Mother.

You know, everybody thought he was so charming last night.

I was so worried for fear he'd knock over a vase or something. I must have

acted like an idiot.

What does it say about the reception last night?

Oh, the usual thing. Blah, blah, blah. Attended the blah, blah reception and

wore the same blah, blah thing.

Stop it, Ann. You're behaving like the person you're married to.

Oh, you don't have anything to complain about, Mother.

He was all right last night, wasn't he?

I told you not to worry about him.

It was a miracle.

The man was ill or something.

Look, the front page.

I knew it. I knew it. I felt it in my bones. Did you see the papers?

Cinderella man grows hair on chest.

This is the most terrible kind of publicity that could possibly... Don't

you think I know the question?

Smith, send for Mr. Smythe.

Smythe, send for Mr. Smith.

A double string.

Cinderella man grows hair on chest.

I wear the pants, Suzanne Schuyler's husband.

Good morning, everybody.

Maybe it isn't good morning, huh?

Anne, did you ever get a feeling there was somebody else in the room with you?

Have you seen this?

Yeah, the worm.

I beg your pardon? He's a worm, and I'm going to step on him. To engage in a

brawl, a cheap common brawl in my own home.

I wear the pants. The pants, not even the trousers.

I tried to stop the evening papers, but it's useless. You, you, you quit trying

to stop anybody. Well, at best you might deny it. Why deny it? The more you deny

it, the more the print. Let him alone.

Let him alone.

The thing to do is to sit still, keep your trap shut.

Trap shut? Certainly. I'll take care of this guy, binge him myself, personally.

Now, what are you crying about?

Oh, is it true, Stuart? Did you, did you really say it? Yes, I said it. Sure, I

said it. I didn't say it for publication.

And you struck him right here in our house? Yes, I'm sorry. I struck him

right here in your house, and I'll strike anybody in anybody's house that

calls me a Cinderella man. Well, what else do you expect them to call you?

Daxter. That's the 14th crack you've made to me.

I'm keeping count of them. When they get to 20, I'm going to suck you right in

that nose.

As a matter of fact, I ought to suck you right now. And, Skylar, are you going to

sit there and watch this man insult us?

Haven't you any decency left?

Oh, why doesn't Daxter show some decency?

You might show some too, Mother.

What do you expect a man to do when he's called such names?

I'm glad you hit that reporter, Stuart. He deserved it.

All right.

All right.

It's your funeral. And Skylar?

Come on. Beat it, Shadow.

Cinderella man.

That's 15.

Pardon me, Mary.

They phoned through from the mayor's reception to remind you it's past the

hour for the reception.

Are the cars ready?

They've been ready for the last hover.

I hope I don't have to make any speeches tonight, Anne.

Oh, you can't disappoint all those women. You know, it isn't every day they

get to see a famous round-the-world flyer. Yes, I know, but they scare me to

death. You know, this is the fourth dinner that you've taken me to this

week. And I'm running out of material.

Are you complaining?

Yes. There's always too many other people around.

Anne! It's getting late. What are we waiting for? You're waiting for my

husband.

If you'll excuse me, I'll run up and see what that slowpoke's doing. I'll be

right back.

waiting for you.

Where's your valet?

I poisoned him. Oh, stop trying to be funny and get ready, will you?

I am not going.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about I'm not going.

What am I going downstairs and tell those people? Go downstairs and tell

them, tell them, tell them anything. Tell them I'm not going. Tell them, tell

them I'm not at home.

Stuart, would you mind telling me why you're not going? Yes, I'll tell you.

For the same reason I've never wanted to go out with those social parasites,

those sweet-smelling fashion plates. I don't like them. They bore me.

They give me the jitters. You know you're talking about my friends.

Yes, I'm talking about your friends, and they still give me the jitters.

Well, are you going or aren't you?

Anne, come here. Look after my lipstick, Stuart. I'll tell you what let's do.

Let's you and me sneak out.

All by ourselves, huh? Are you crazy?

Think of the fun we can have. We'll sneak down the back stairs and get in

the valleys forward. How's that? Oh, will you stop being silly, Stuart?

No, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll take you down and introduce you to all my gang. Would you like that? But I

don't want to meet your gang.

Oh, I don't mean the newspaper fellows that you don't like. Another gang I

know. You'd love them.

They're writers, they're musicians, they're artists.

Great crowd of people. Do great things. People worthwhile.

Meaning that my friends aren't worthwhile, I suppose. Oh, God. They're

all right, Ann, but I... Oh, that's what you mean.

Heaven knows you've made that clear to me often enough. And I'm sick and tired

of it. I've given you party after party. I've taken you into the best homes in

this town and introduced you to people of importance.

And are you grateful? No.

You insult them and act like a bore.

I'm sick and tired of making excuses for you and the things that you've done.

Perhaps it's just as well you're not coming tonight. Maybe I can enjoy myself

for once without having to worry about you and what you're going to do.

friend is what is known as society Bell telling X star newspaper reporter to go

to how have you been mr. Smith

You call, sir.

Smite? Yes.

Smite.

Come here. I want to talk to you.

Smite.

Come here.

Come on, Smite. Talk to me, will you?

Smite, I'm going nuts. I'm going nuts in this house.

This big... Come here.

Come here. I'm not going to hurt you, but come on. Come on.

Come on. What's the matter with you?

Come here.

Yes, sir.

You try.

Me, sir? Yeah.

No, no, no. Give it more volume.

No,

no, that's enough.

I just wanted to give you an idea.

Now you know.

This house is haunted.

No, sir. Yes, sir.

Have you looked in the closets all over there?

Yes, sir.

Found no skeleton? No, sir.

It's hard to just say.

Yes. House is care.

Smythe, what do you do with yourself? I mean, when you're not carrying those

double strength, what do you do with yourself?

Well, sir, I putter.

Smythe.

Well, when you're alone and you want to amuse yourself, then what?

I just putter.

Oh, putter.

Do you have to have a putter to putter? Oh, no, sir.

I putter with my hands.

Well, isn't that nice? You just go ahead with your... It's all right.

How do you do that?

Well, sir, I'll show you.

That's butt-dring, sir.

No, that's... Well, well, well... Well, that's all right. If you like it.

Can anybody? Anybody can do that? Oh, no, sir.

Some people are natural putterers. Others can never master it. Oh, my. You

mean some people are born and never would become putterers, huh? Yes. Oh,

my. Wouldn't that be tragic not to know that you could never be a putterer? Yes.

How about me? Do you think if I concentrated and put my whole soul into

it that someday I might be a putterer? You, sir? You could never be a putterer.

Not a good putter, sir. Well, if I couldn't be a good putter... I don't

want to putter. If I can't be a good putter, there's... Why? What makes you

think I couldn't be a good putter? Well, sir, to be a putterer, one's mind must

be at ease.

A person with a problem could never be a putterer. For instance, a fish can

putter in water, but not on land, because he'd be out of place.

An eagle can putter around the rugged mountaintops.

but not in a cage, because he'd be restless and unhappy.

Now, sir, if you'll pardon me, with all respect, as a smite to a smith, you are

an eagle in a cage.

A bird in a guilty cage?

Yes. That's all I want to know.

Hello, Gallagher.

Hello, Gallagher, old pal. How are you, old pal?

Oh,

hello, Stu.

Pretty good, I can't complain.

How's our gentleman of leisure?

I'm on the coast of Norway and I can't get out. Will you come get me out of the

coast of Norway?

Oh, your play.

You act one, scene one, the coast of Norway, and then a lot of blank. Is that

it?

Huh? Come on.

Oh, don't be silly.

All right, all right. If you feel like you need a chaperone, call up Hank.

Yeah, you'll find him at Joe's, no doubt.

Yeah, Hank would be my idea of a perfect bodyguard.

Sure you would. I knew I could depend on you, old pal.

Snap it up, will you, Gallagher?

Okay.

I'm glad to see you. Hello, Hank. How are you? Oh, fine, but kind of thirsty.

Thirsty? Come right in. I'll get you a drink. Oh, say, you remember Joe?

Sure. Well, I sort of invited him along to bend an elbow with me. It's all

right. It's all right. It's all right. Bring him in. Come on, Joe. It's all

right. All right. Hello, Joe. Hello, kid. How are you? Glad to see you again.

Say, just a minute. Yeah?

Johnson's outside.

You don't mind if he comes in and dips the beat, do you? No, no. Bring him in.

More the merrier.

Hello, Johnson. Hello, Stu, old pal. How are you? Glad to see you. I'm glad to

see you.

Look, wait a minute. I got two of the boys I brought along. They're cruising

around, nothing to do. You don't mind if I bring them in? You brought two of

them? Yeah. That's all right. Bring them in. Well, what's the difference? Red,

come on in.

Hello, boy. Come in. Come right in. Hello. Come right in. Hello,

Stu.

Hello, Stu, old boy.

Hello, Stu.

Hello, study boy.

Hi, old boy.

Hi, Stu. Hi,

old copper.

Hello, Stu.

I'm sorry nobody could come.

Why don't you bring your family with you? You know, the rest of the gang had

to get out the morning edition.

But they'll be down later. Now, Hank, you sure they're coming? Because it

would be lonesome without them.

Mike, take this crowd in there and give them a drink. And find out what the boys

in the back room want.

I say, that's my family.

Don't be holding out on us.

You certainly took no chances, did you?

I'm sorry, Stu. I asked Hank, and well, Hank did the rest. I see. Hank brought

him over. That's all right. We'll give him a drink. We'll throw him out.

Holy God.

Is there a green elephant standing beside that fountain?

No, this is just little Benji Baker.

What?

Big Chief Benji, come to White Man's T.P. to make friends.

Big Chief, very sorry.

Show how sorry we'll bend over and let white man kick big chief where Sun never

shine Excuse me, I wouldn't miss this

That's all flashed out. By golly, I'm certainly glad you're not really sore.

But you know our racket. You know, after all, news is news. Sure, it's all right.

That was a great story, Ben. That was a great story. I wish I'd friended. Well,

I gave her the breaks, didn't I? That was that hairy chest story.

You raised it up to the chin, I see.

Go on in the other room and get yourself a drink.

You know what I should do with you?

I should sock you right in that funny little nose.

Yes, and I'd love it.

Sure you'd love it.

How far have you gotten?

I've just been able to get off of that Norway coast so far.

Act One, Scene One. The street in Old Madrid.

Well, you're not getting your play done, but you're certainly covering a lot of

territory. Haven't I covered some territory?

Yes, I feel like I've been on a cook's tour or someplace.

Stu, have you ever been to old Madrid?

Been where?

To old Madrid.

I've never even been to new Madrid.

Then how do you expect to write about it?

Draw on my imagination, I suppose.

Ah, did Conrad draw on his imagination?

Did who?

Conrad. What do you know about Conrad?

I don't know a thing about him, but isn't he the one you're always yelling

about? Gosh, you look cute.

Isn't he the one that always writes about things, only the things he knows

about? Right. Didn't he go to sea before he wrote about it? Right. Then why don't

you write about something you know? Write about yourself and Anne.

The poor boy who marries the rich girl. Now, there's a swell theme.

Hmm.

That's an idea there, Gallagher.

That's an idea there. I wonder now.

Oh, sure.

She'd make a beautiful heroine.

And as her mother...

And, oh, what a character that old dame would make with her double strength.

And that lawyer friend of theirs, he'd make a great villain.

And there's you.

What could I be?

I don't know. You could be something. Come on, scram now. We've got an idea.

Let's get this set.

It's a great idea now.

Great idea for a play. Just get me a cigarette, will you?

Here.

Now I see.

How would I start?

Hey,

pal, how would you start, huh?

And here, the survivor's party.

Literary people. He's drunk.

Smile, you've been drinking.

I have.

Double spread.

Very drunk.

My owner's Mr. Smith. Well,

for crying out loud.

I don't know.

And I don't care.

Now,

Gallagher, if we could only get a great scene.

A tremendously emotional scene. Something that would just wring the

hearts out of the public to bring the curtain down on the second act would be

okay.

Couldn't dig one out of your hat someplace, could you?

Nope. I'm afraid I'm all out of tricks tonight.

Now we've got them right up to where the boy is wearing his white spats and going

to pink tees and the frow-inners. How's that?

Very good.

Now if we could just get where we...

What does this mean? What does what mean?

Oh, that mob downstairs. I got so interested in the play, I forgot all

about them. I'll go down and tell you.

Have we got a play, Ann? Oh, have we got a play?

Of course, most of it's Gallagher's. She did most of it. That brain of hers just

snaps like that all the time. Well, I'm not interested in the way her brain

snaps.

I think I'd better go, Stu.

I think you should, Miss Gallagher.

Hey, wait a minute, Gallagher.

What's the idea, Ann? The idea is simply this, that I want these people to leave

here immediately. Now, wait a minute.

Aren't you being a little unreasonable?

Unreasonable? Have you any idea what the place looks like downstairs?

Do you expect me to stand here and see this house turned into a cheap ballroom?

Now, don't get excited, Ann. There's no reason for that.

Perhaps the boys have had a little too much to drink. That's all right. I'm

sorry. I'll go right down and throw them out.

There's no reason for you to take this attitude.

After all, I certainly have a right to invite a few of my friends to my house,

haven't I?

Your house?

Oh, I get you.

It's all right.

It's all right. I don't blame you.

Kind of forgot myself for a moment there.

That's what I call getting me told, isn't it, Ann?

I suppose I've been boarding out this last year.

All right, I'll tell you this. I don't like your boarding house, lady.

And if it's all the same to you, I'm moving out.

Let's do it.

It's something I should have done a long time ago. Only I didn't have sex enough

to do it. No, I have to stick around here.

Try to make a success or something, and I know darn well it's a failure from the

very beginning.

But no more.

No more. So that's that. Oh, you can't walk out of here like this. Oh, I can't.

Who's going to stop me? I'd like to see somebody stop me.

What do you think I'm going to stick around this joint?

Just to look at this mausoleum, not on your life. You're going to make no

stuffed shirt out of me.

Now, what do you think of that?

What's going on here?

Who's this woman?

Joan of Arc, what's it do you?

Heavens, the man's insane.

Sure, I'm insane.

But I've got some good news for you.

This magnolia is leaving your sweet-smelling vanilla joint. This bird

in the cage is going to button his own pants from now on. And that's what's

known as telling the mother-in-law. You rascal!

You've done nothing but watch me. Watch me ever since I've been here.

Treated me like a thug.

Watched me like a hawk. Mistrusted me. Every time I leave the house, that dame

goes out and counts the silverware. That's ridiculous!

It's all right. It's all right. I don't blame her.

I know I'm out of my own crowd.

Should have had better sense in the beginning.

But I'll stay in my own backyard from now on. You're acting like a child. All

right, I'm a child. All right, I'm a child.

Have it any way you want.

But I'm going back to my own apartment where I should have lived in the first

place. But no, I've got to listen to you and move here.

All right, if you want to live with me, Ann, that's okay.

But the sign outside will say Mr. Stu Smith. And you'll have to be Mrs. Stu

Smith or there's nothing doing. No more and Skyler's husband.

And here's some more news for you.

You can take your red room, your green room, your left wing, your right wing,

and you know what you can do with them. Come on, guys.

Could you spare a dime for a cup of coffee?

Coffee?

How'd you like to be the knight of the garter? No, no, just... It's all right.

Wait just a minute.

Entertain the gentleman, Gallagher.

There you are, my man.

With those, you can eat for a couple of months. Well, how about the socks?

I wouldn't worry too much about it, Stu.

She'll see it's your way.

Oh, I'm not worrying about her. I'm worrying about that second act curtain,

that's all.

Well, you're just a first class chump. Well, you just staged a scene that'll

play like a million dollars. How about that Declaration of Independence for the

second act curtain?

It's an idea, Gallagher. It's a great idea.

Gallagher!

Yeah? Say, how about my breakfast?

How do you expect me to ring a curtain down on an empty stomach?

Well, it'll be ready in a minute. Never mind that. If you can't get my breakfast

ready, can't get here in time in the morning, then you can go get yourself

another job.

Sorry, Bob.

Don't be sorry. Just get the breakfast. That's all.

Hello, Smith.

Holy jumping swordfish.

I suppose you know why I came.

No, I have no idea, unless some of the silver wire is missing. No.

Don't be absurd, Smith.

May I come in?

Surely. Come right in. Thanks.

May I sit down?

Surely. Sit down. If I'd known you'd come in, I'd have thrown you up a

waffle. Oh, I don't eat waffles. You don't? Ann asked me to come and see you

about the divorce.

She did?

She wants me to arrange the financial settlement.

Listen, Jason.

I got 106 bucks and 75 cents in the bank. Now, Ann can have any part of that

she wants, but she's got to hurry, because I'm spending it awful fast. You

don't seem to understand. Ann doesn't expect anything from you.

We would like to know how much you would want to... Now, wait a minute.

Do I get from you that she wants to pay me alimony? Well, that's putting it

crudely, but... Do you remember what I told you about that 20th crack?

Perfect. All right, you've just made it. Now, before you go unconscious, I want

you to get this through your nut. I beg your pardon? Unconscious, you know, when

you don't know anything. You're in natural state.

There are some people you can't buy their self-respect for a bucket of

shuckles. Well, I happen to be one of those guys. We just thought... Don't

think. Let me do the thinking.

Now, you go back to that Skyler outfit and tell them that I didn't marry that

dame for her dough and I don't want any of her dough now. Yes.

I was too poor to buy her a wedding present when we were married, so I'll

give her a divorce for a wedding present.

Now stand up.

And now for that 20th crack.

Who's that?

A kind of lawyer.

What do you want?

Gallagher, that guy just dropped by to give us a great opening for the third

act. What was the idea he gave you?

Swell idea, Gallagher. How's this?

The family lawyer comes to see the kid to talk over the divorce, you know.

Then they insult the poor but honest boy by offering him alimony. So the kid gets

sore, sucks the lawyer in the nose and throws him out.

How's that for the beginning of the third act, huh?

Well, from now on, the play will be easy.

All you have to do is bring the wife back, have her say she's sorry, and then

your play's over.

What's the matter with you? You think I'm going to let that guy go back to his

wife?

Not on your life.

He's got to go to the other gal.

What other girl?

The little old Brian girl, of course.

The one you suggested in the story.

Yeah.

But that's ridiculous, Stu.

Well, you can't make a sudden change like that.

Gallagher, what are you going to do? Tell me how to write a play? No.

There's nothing sudden about that.

He's always loved the girl.

But he was such a sap, he didn't have sense not to tell her.

That's all right. We can fix that.

He'll go to the gal and... Yeah, I'll show you.

He'll go to the little LeBron gal and he'll say... In some pretty words of

some kind, he'll say something that you can write.

You say, darling, I'm sorry.

I've been a fool all my life.

I've always loved you, only I didn't have sense enough to see it. And as

quick as I get a divorce from my wife, I want you to marry me.

And she'll look at him and then she'll say, yeah.

And then they'll embrace or something like that.

And you kiss her or something.

What's the matter, Gary?

What's the matter?